1/3/15
Saturday
First journal entry for the year. We
have had a 4 day long streak of ice and freezing that this area is certainly
not used to. We are grateful to God that we have been blessed with plenty of
firewood this year, through part time work with a tree trimmer. Kept a fire
going for 4 days as that is our source of heat other than a small space heater
in the bedroom. While many in the area have lost power due to the ice buildup
on power lines and breaking tree branches we have been fortunate out here in
the country to have not lost power. Losing power happens out here often and I
was blessed to be able to purchase a generator about a year ago so we are
prepared for that.
Every time I write in this journal I
talk about how I don’t write in the journal. LOL. Not really funny. It’s an
indication of my lack of self-discipline or perhaps a sign that I stay
distracted. I don’t know but I need to get better as this is my memory also, a
record of what happens I can go back to. And there has been much that has
happened. It has been a busy and eventful year.
1/23/15
Friday
How frustrating it is to always see
what I haven’t completed. Started the entry for this journal you can see above
twenty days ago and never finished. Did I get distracted? Did something come
up? I don’t know, but I know this is sadly typical. I know they taught me that
this is a common issue for those with traumatic brain injuries at the Brain
Injury Institute in St. Louise but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Then
it almost seems like I say this as an excuse, a justification for me not
accomplishing what I set out to do. What do others think of me when they see
how little I do? I’ve had folks come to the farm and watched as they were
dismayed at the messes, at all the piles of things started and not finished. I
know it frustrates my wife greatly but she doesn’t say anything. My joke about
it, that I am the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you will
ever meet. Which one depends on the moment you meet me, isn’t really funny. Not
when it’s a reality you live and can’t seem to do much about. I’ve accomplished
much in the past despite the TBI but I always had help. They call TBI
(Traumatic Brain Injury) the unseen illness because there are no outward visible
evidences of it. Folks talk with me and can tell I’m no dummy so they can’t
comprehend why I don’t follow through. How can I explain it? How can I help
folks understand without getting all this “Oh, you poor man, I feel sorry for
you” crap I hate. There are some I work with who are always trying to protect
me from the pain I live with. While I appreciate the consideration I don’t like
being coddled. This “Why don’t you go pick up the twigs while we pick up the
heavy limbs” makes me feel like I’m some kind of child who is not up to doing
men’s work. So what do I want? I work to overcome difficulties, to get things
done despite them, so trust me to say “I can’t handle that” when I know it’s more
than I can do and let me carry my fair share of the work.
I can do great things, with a little
help. My issue is staying on task, not getting distracted, and being able to
make the judgment call of what is important to do first. Our brains are
incredibly complex, with many parts needing to cooperate with other parts to
make good decisions. I’ve been around many people who have survived serious
brain injuries, and no two of them are the same in the problems they must overcome.
There is often a disconnect with some realities and it is difficult to help
some see where their thinking is wrong. I’m betting I am the same way. I’ve
seen some who are fixed on their concept, so assured they are right that any
attempt to correct an error is seen as a great affront. There is a stubbornness
that is hard to overcome. However on the other side of that coin are great
ideas that are beyond some people’s ability to accept. A Rabbi once said that
the foundation of every successful man is built with the bricks those who
doubted them threw.
I am sitting here drinking a warm
cup of hot chocolate I made with the remains of this morning’s coffee. When we
woke up the house was once again cold, as it usually is in this weather. I
raked the coals left from the large overnight logs I put on to burn as long as
possible, up and threw on some wood to get a fire going again. I went out and
started Cherie’s car and scraped the ice off the windows so it would be nice
and warm for her when she left for work. I didn’t think to sweep off the 3
inches of snow from the hood and roof so Cherie got a broom and did that. The
roads were nasty and Cherie called to let me know there are all kinds of wrecks
on the interstate so I would not choose that path when I went to work. Then
Butch called to say they would not be doing tree and lawn work today because it
was too much of a mess.
Thus I am able to spend some time writing
this and hopefully some other things I need to write. There is so much. I have
a letter to one of my brothers in Christ I started writing in January of last
year that needs to be finished. Just another example of things I have not
finished. There are bible studies started and not finished and the two books
that are on my heart to write. I wanted to write about our year last year, a
summary of what happened, something I could send out to friends and family with
pictures, but that did not even get started. When I go out and work, whether it
is tree or lawn jobs, or installing the floor for Geneva, by the time I get
home I’m done for. The pain level is often way high and on top of that there is
the fatigue.
This is another part of TBI that is hard for
some to comprehend. It is clearly documented by many studies and recognized by
those who work with TBI survivors, but hard for others to understand. When I
had my three companies I would work seventy to eighty hours a week and still go
to the bars and play. No doubt, looking back now, I was stupid and burning the
candle at both ends, but the point is I had an energy level that no longer
exists now. Sure I’m older now and I know that plays a part but this fatigue is
different. When I first got back with Cherie, three years after waking from the
coma, I would conk out around noon every day. Simply run out of steam and could
fall asleep sitting in a chair. It was necessary for me to take a two or three
hour nap in the middle of every day. This wasn’t a physical tiredness but a
mental one.
Now, fourteen years later, I have much
greater endurance but I still wear out both physically and mentally. I am
jealous of those who can get so much accomplished, who have the energy level I
once had, but that’s just the way it is. This is where God has put me. I pray
for greater energy and wisdom all the time. Pain I just ignore until I can’t.
But I am grateful for the life I have and realize it is only through the mercy
and grace of God that I am able to breath. The difficulties I must overcome are
all the results of the decisions I made earlier, of the sins I pursued. There
is one rule of the universe we can’t avoid, a biblical truth that is
unavoidable, we all reap what we sow.
How grateful I am to have this time to
write. In my imagination I think I can say something important, something that
will help someone improve their life. My hope is that these words are words of
life, that give hope, not taking it away. One of my frustrations is seeing so
much need but finding so little time or resources to help with those needs. I
find myself doing odd jobs to try and pay the bills and at the end of the day
being so worn out that nothing else happens.
But now I have a short window of
opportunity, and what have I done with it so far? It looks like I complained,
just vented my frustrations. Great. So much for saying something important. But
there is still time so here is one of the things that has been on my mind.
In a conversation with a generous friend he
mentioned the difficulty with doing business with friends and people we know
from church. We talked about how folks often avoid this and how it is a
commonly accepted belief that it is not wise to do business or work with family
or those we are close to. I agreed with this man but it got me to thinking.
What does the Bible say about this? I thought there were some proverbs that
addressed the issue of doing business with friends so just went and read the
entire book of proverbs. There was advice regarding guaranteeing or becoming surety
for loans and advice against working with fools, greedy, or dishonest people
but I didn’t find anything about hiring friends or family. Now I read proverbs
quickly and might have missed something but what I did find in proverbs was lots
of wisdom regarding helping others, especially those who are not doing as well
as you are. There were also some very pointed words regarding greed and taking
advantage of others, especially the poor. Also God’s heart is revealed in
Deuteronomy and other parts of Moses’ writings and especially with the words of
Jesus. All through there it is clear we are to help those who are our neighbors
and family in the sense of the family of God, fellow believers. Jesus not only
said to give to anyone who asks of you but also said that if someone takes
advantage of you to let them and forgive them. The worlds wisdom says to avoid
doing business with those close because it will cause divisions and discord,
and frankly I have done just that thinking it is the smart thing to do.
What this really boils down to is it is a
matter of faith. Do you really believe God and His promises? If we avoid
helping someone because of fear that something bad will happen or they will
take advantage of us then we are not really trusting in God, who said that all
such sacrifices will be rewarded, both here on earth and in heaven. I know of
some who in the name of this “wisdom” won’t help someone in need but often it
is just an excuse they use because they really don’t want to be bothered and
have other things they would rather do. Proverbs addresses that also and so
does Jesus, the son of God and the one who will judge us on that last day. What
will be judged? We will be judged on our works, what we do or don’t do, and on
our words, what we say both publicly and in private. How do our works line up
with our words? Lots of people say all the right things but what we do reveals
what we truly believe in our hearts.
Gee, I can’t believe it is already 12:44.
What will I do with the rest of this day? The snow is already gone and there is
some tree work I need to finish up for a friend. I think I’ll fix a meatloaf
sandwich with what is in the fridge and do some praying as I decide what to do.
Do I keep writing and finish things I started or do I go to work and finish the
job I started. That will help pay some bills though the income tax bill we have
from when I worked at A-1 is thousands of dollars and we have a long way to go
on that. I need to fire up the tractor and start preparing to farm this spring.
Would love to get several trailer loads of mulch while it is free, because that
would be a huge help creating grow areas for melons. Would like to get some more
telephone poles. There is so much to do and so little of me to do it. What I
really would prefer is to spend time studying the bible and teaching others the
way of God, to tell of the freedom God offers through Jesus and the gift of
eternal life available to us all. That is the most valuable thing I can do,
more valuable than all the money in the world. It is where my heart is but we
have to eat and pay bills.
