Frustrating to be me

6/7/12 Thursday

          It is frustrating to be me. I talk about the problems I have in part to help raise awareness of the issues that come with traumatic brain injuries. There are several regular readers of this blog who have told me of personal experiences they have with TBI. Some have suffered brain injuries themselves and many know or care for relatives or friends who are survivors of TBI. So I don’t want to sound like a broken record or appear to be whining all the time and apologize if that is how it comes across. Many of our issues have nothing to do with my brain injury but everything is connected in one way or another.

          One of the issues I personally have (Understand that no two brain injuries are the same in the problems they cause) is a total lack of a sense of time. This is connected to the short term memory loss. I will remember doing things but often can’t tell if it was yesterday or last month. Yesterday I went out to work on the farm and decided to check on the 100 tomato plants we put in. I was thinking it would be time for me to start tying strings on them to train them to grow vertically. I clearly remember putting the fertilizer feed device on their drip irrigation line and had forgotten to turn it off so they got flooded. In my mind that just happened 2 or 3 days ago so I was quite shocked to find my tomatoes dead or dying from a lack of water. I saw the size of weeds growing in the pots and how the grass had totally grown over the top of the buckets the tomatoes are in and realize that it has been a week or two since I was last here.

          So here is the deal. I am intelligent and all that but need to have a schedule and be reminded of things I must do repeatedly like a 6 year old child. There are some who think I am stupid and others who think I am just plain lazy or don’t care about my life. “If he really cared he would take care of that” is a comment that has been made by those who would rather judge and put down instead of understanding. It is not that I don’t care for I have big dreams and a clear vision of what is possible, but can’t seem to follow through. As far as lazy is concerned, I work hard, work till the pain level is more than I can handle, work till it gets too dark to see, but don’t always work on what is most important. This is due to the fact that once I focus on something I forget about everything else. And if I get distracted by another task that needs doing (Lord knows I am surrounded by hundreds of things that need doing) what I was working on gets forgotten.

          So there is the investment of a hundred or so plants going uncared for. There are fresh gopher mounds everywhere. That tells me the gophers are tunneling into the tomato and pepper plants, where they will feed on the root systems and kill them off. The grass has grown rampant as well, totally taking over some areas. It is not only that I forgot, or thought that I had recently worked with this area of the garden, there is also the fact that there is more work than I can keep up with. That is especially true lately with this gout thing slowing me down, coupled with the need to go and work for some money to pay bills with.

          How I long to get an RV park built here. There is no question that it will pay off quick regarding the investment in dollars goes. But this will provide the basic financial foundation we need to grow the farm and will also allow me to minister to others, what I view to be the most important of all. This is another thing I haven’t gotten to yet, putting together a business proposal to look for investors for the RV park. For those who desire I not succeed this will be seen as good news but I will overcome. I always like it when they put comments on this blog that reveal their true heart, uncover that they are those who would rather tear down than build up, and show the bitterness inside that motivates them. When they speak up it gives me a chance to at least say I love them and are praying for them, that they would learn to love as Jesus loves, and thus turn and be healed.

          This gout seems to be showing up in my other foot now. The big toe on my right side is swollen and starting to be painful. That is the side that is partially paralyzed so I don’t feel the pain as much as on the left foot, but I feel it anyway. The pain medication I take does a good job on the neurological pain that comes from the broken neck and back but does not seem to touch this inflammation and pain in my foot. I take ibuprofen for that. So I will ramp up on the water I drink, forcing myself to drink more as I combat this gout thing. There are certain foods to stay away from but eating meat has been a staple of life for me for as long as I know so that makes it harder. I will ask Cherie to fix more vegetables and less meat till we can get a handle on this.

          Working on that 1929 Ford has become a headache. I put a new fancy electronic ignition on it and there is no spark at all. Called the manufacturer and he made several suggestions, which I incorporated yesterday to no avail. Today I must go through every wire and try to discover what the problem is. Will talk to the manufacturer again and see if he can point me in a right direction. But I must keep working on this as the owners desire to get this old Ford painted and ready to be in the Fourth of July parade. Thus my farm must be put on hold again while I attend to other things. There is just not enough of me to go around.