Why? My thoughts on the shooting

12/15/12 Saturday

          Why? That is a question on many peoples mind after the senseless killing of 27 people, with 20 of them being little children. It is an understandable question and one that will be hard for anyone to answer. Such death of the innocent is incomprehensible for most but there are some hard realities that are shown in this horrible event. First reality is that this is not unusual at all when considered on the worldwide stage. Most of us in America live in a cocoon where we only allow in what disturbs us the least, and barely tolerate that. However, throughout the world there are horrors  that defy the imagination and these horrors are perpetrated against all aspects of humanity, from babies to seniors.

          Now many of you know that I am a believer, a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that some of you aren’t and understand that well. There was a time I did not believe there was a God of any kind and thought that if there was he was way out there somewhere in space and not at all concerned with the things that go on here on earth. However that has changed now that I have seen evidence of the living God and have come to understand that truth.

          Today I see the world through a different set of eyes. The answer to the question “Why” is a spiritual one that is as old as mankind. The young man who killed his mother, all those children, and the rest, was a man who had no hope, nothing to look forward to, no future, no good reason to live. Why did he have no hope? Because he had no God or understanding of God. This I know well for at one time I was that boy.

          They say he had Asperger’s syndrome, that he did not fit in and escaped through his video games and other means. This I relate to as well, having a tested IQ in the top 2 percent of the nation, no social skills, and all the other indicators of Asperger’s. My escape was books, which I devoured by the hour. Fortunately my books taught a system of values and honor that were often key elements of the science fiction I enjoyed the most. What was unfortunate for this young man is that the video games of today teach and encourage anger, revenge, violence, and that killing is an acceptable solution for problems.

          When I lived without the thought of God existing I lived with only the moment to answer for. You see, if there is no God there is no reason to be good, other than whatever immediate gratification it got me. I only obeyed the law out of fear for the consequence of breaking it and if I felt I could escape that consequence there was nothing to prevent me from violating those moral strictures. Thus the platitude “If it feels good do it” became my law. Without God there is only this life to live. Without God there is no accountability. Without God life has little value. Without God there is no eternity. And without God there is no hope of a better future at the end of life here on earth. So there is only here and now.

          I can only imagine what went through that young man’s mind and that imagination barely touches the surface, if at all. But I have seen many who fit the profile in one way or another, and in fact I probably wasn’t far from it myself. One of the two boys I raised does in some aspects, and there are others I know who are withdrawn and only fit in with a small niche group. Part of what they lack is a sincere understanding of the love of God, and it is this love that I feel is the key that can open the door to their hearts and allow healing to begin. Unfortunately in the world we live in that key is one that has been rejected by many and openly ridiculed in several sectors of American society. Because of this the sad news is we will be seeing more and more of these kinds of events.

          But in regards to the question “Why” there are many aspects to consider, no simple cut and dried answers. The boy (I know, he was 20 but still a boy in my mind) was bullied, did not fit in, was on psych medication, and often retreated into his private world. Apparently he sometimes attended the catholic church with his mother but I suspect it had no real impact on him. There are many who go to church but that does not mean much. Some go because their parents make them, some go because they are “supposed to”, some go to impress others, and on and on the list can go. The reality is that few people who go to church truly practice their faith. If they did there is a possibility this tragedy might not have happened.

          I know I am opening a can of worms here but that is what I am good at. The fact is that there is a general disgust of Christianity in many circles, because so many see the hypocrisy there. I have friends on Facebook who knew me before I returned to God. They never knew I had been a Christian before, that I had fallin away, but they watched as I destroyed my life through drugs, drinking, and criminal activity. It saddens me to see their disdain of Christians in some of the comments they make, but I understand it. Many of them don’t know what to think of me now and my faith in God makes some uncomfortable. That’s ok, I understand this as well.

          The point I am making is that if more people really understood and lived the way Jesus wants us too, there would be fewer people with the potential to become mass murderers. Oh, things like this will still happen and in the coming years it will get worse. The reason I brought up the poor opinion many have of Christians is to highlight the way it should be, versus the way it often is.

          We, or at least many of us, are familiar with the story about a baby being born in a manger at the small town of Bethlehem. “Oh, geese, he’s going to tell that whole Jesus was born in a manger story!” I can hear someone saying at this moment. Well, yes and no. To understand what it means to be a true Christian we need to understand what it is all about. You see, that little baby, born amongst a bunch of farm animals and camels, was God coming to earth. Now I know how ridiculous this may seem to those who don’t believe and I understand the ridicule thrown out regarding such a concept, but bear with me and allow me to choose whatever belief I desire. The “Why” regarding God being born on earth has to do with the love He has for us, and His desire to remove the wall that stands between us.

          I never understood all this God stuff before. It just did not make any sense to me. Why would God be born a baby? Why would He then choose to die a horrible death on a cross? “Why” has always been an important question. It wasn’t until I was sent to prison that someone explained this in a way I could understand. People would say “God loves you” but even that I could not understand. A loving father was something I had never really experienced in real life. No hugs, no kisses, no “You did well” affirmations that I can remember. Understand that I was much like that boy we started this out talking about. Socially inept, unaccepted, bullied even by the girls in school, I was a cast out and would fly off in anger on occasion. So a loving protective relationship was a foreign concept to me.

          Let me tell you how “Why”, regarding God’s love, was explained to me. “Imagine God as a pure white sheet, not a spot or wrinkle, perfect in every way. Now you know”, my fellow inmate explained to me, “that you are not pure at all”. Oh, I knew that for sure. “So you understand then that you cannot take a handful of mud and throw it on that sheet, because it would no longer be pure and white”. Ok that was pretty simple and easy to understand. “But it wasn’t always that way” he continued “originally God would come down to the garden of Eden and walk and talk with Adam and Eve. They were in charge of it all, taking care of God’s creation. They could do anything the wanted except one thing. There was one rule. Only one. “Don’t eat of the fruit of that tree” God said. “For if you do you will surely die”. Now this I can understand. I was in prison for breaking the law. The law of the land is pretty clear (or at least used to be) and says “If you do such and such the penalty is…” With God it is equally clear. He spelled it out straight. Death is separation from God, for God is the source of all life. When we choose to purposely do what we know is wrong, which is what the word “sin” means, then we are no longer pure white and thus become separated from God.

          But God, forever loving us all no matter how bad we get, decided to make a way for us to regain that fellowship with Him. God follows His own rules, that is a part of His pureness, and the wages of sin is death, separation from God. So there is a law and there is a penalty that must be paid for breaking it, and now we are back to that little baby being born and laid in the feed trough of the animals. (Stay with me folks, I will get to that boy who committed such a horrible act. This will all tie together) For my friends who are atheist, agnostic, or doubt Jesus was even born, who pride themselves on logical intelligent thought, there is lots of third party documentation of Jesus’ birth and the events that followed. Roman, Jewish, and Persian historians who were not followers of this religious belief recorded these events. Third party courtroom acceptable proof that it happened, if you will. I don’t believe because it is convenient, I believe because I have learned it is true.

          I need to explain that the question “Why” regarding the Connecticut shooting is not an easy one with a simple answer and my attempt to answer it will undoubtedly fall far short. Understand that this one incident is only a small part of a much larger picture, and it’s that larger picture I am ultimately addressing while trying to somewhat understand the shooting.

          Jesus, who is God’s Son and was there when all was created, came out of heaven and humbled Himself in every way, was born, raised, felt pain, endured temptation, and then was sacrificed like the unblemished lambs that the Jews would kill every year for the sins of the entire nation. He never did anything wrong, but lived His life as an example for all of us to see and learn from regarding how to live. It was that sacrifice that paid the price for all we have ever done wrong and through it we can have forgiveness of all of it. That forgiveness is like taking a bath that washes it all away and leaves us clean and pure, so we can once again have fellowship with God.

          But that example of how we ought to live, how we should act towards one another is what I desire to bring up regarding not just the school shooting but for everyone we get to touch.     This is where we, all who wear that “Christian” label, bear some of the blame. Jesus gave us only two real commandments, to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. And to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Everything in the bible boils down to this. But we must recognize the reality that there is the way things should be and the way they actually are. Those who are unhappy with what they see done in the name of God are justified in that, for God is not happy with it either.

This is nothing new. Jesus warned several times that this would be this way. It happened in His life and is a part of the record of the early church. Jesus’ harshest words were for the religious leaders who were the rankest hypocrites. Jesus also warned us of the condition the world would be in during the last days, before He returns to clean it up and start over. He said “For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be famines and earthquakes. But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs. Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations because of My name. At that time many will fall away and will betray one another and hate one another. Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many. Because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved. This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.” (Mathew 24)

We see all of these things taking place, no question about it. The part about people’s love growing cold is especially relevant, and holds true not just for people like the shooter but it is something I see in the church too. My Bible tells me this would be as well. This scripture found in Paul’s letter to Timothy sounds like it is describing people who don’t know God and have no religion but the sadly amazing part is it actually describes those in church, as indicated by the last part, where it says they were “holding to a form of godliness”. “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power” (2 Timothy 3)

It is no wonder that there is so much anger towards the church and church people. Cherie and I have seen and experienced so much of this unholy behavior in churches that we keep a guard up when around church people we don’t know. How sad it has been for me to watch pastors practice the very judgmental things God hates, and then call it good. What can you do? When I dared say “that isn’t right” I was escorted out.

But in the midst of all the darkness there are always some wonderfully bright lights that shine out, people who truly love and are willing to sacrifice for the good of others. It is a shame that they are the exception, rather than the rule, but even this Jesus said would happen. In the end only a few will make it. Those who’s treasures are in heaven, not on earth. Part of the “Why” I lay at the feet of a weak compromising church, and the shepherds who bear responsibility for how they lead the sheep. They WILL answer to God on that final day.

So again there is the way things should be and the way they really are. That young man went to church with his mother, but it is clear that this did not impact him. A true Christian should reach out to those who don’t fit in, should love them and take the time to get involved. Sadly this rarely happens in today’s world. There are many who will throw some money in a basket during a church service and think they have done something, but all they have done is appease their conscience and avoided anything uncomfortable. Jesus said to “Love your neighbor as yourself”. You know, the more you love yourself the harder it is to meet that standard.

Like I said at the beginning of this, “Why” is not a simple question. There are cultural, medical, and social factors that weigh in here as well. Lots of things that contribute to the question “Why”. We are all products of our environments. Remember the old saying “garbage in, garbage out”? We are what we feed ourselves and for many youth in America today, and for that matter for the rest of us as well, what we are fed is a lot of garbage. Whether it is the television shows or movies, what is called entertainment is not that which promotes love, forgiveness, honesty, or many of the other things most consider good. It is a lot of violence, anger, revenge, sexual promiscuity, and deception. Then there are the video games, something else the shooter escaped into. In many of them you go from room to room with the goal of killing as many as possible. This boy was also on psychotropic medication, which only adds to the disconnect from reality.

The bad news is that it doesn’t matter if the government takes every gun there is, we will still be seeing more events like the one that prompted me to write this. It will get worse. Should this be the last days spoken of in the Bible it will get much worse. For those who play at being Christian there will be a purging as with fire. Ultimately this is a battle between good and evil, and it sure looks like evil is winning. But even this was foretold. In the final chapter evil will be punished and those who pass the test rewarded, but the tests will be hard. The world will tremble as these things come about but before that the world will rise up in complete rebellion against all that is good in the eyes of God. Know this first of all, that in the last days mockers will come with their mocking, following after their own lusts, and saying, "Where is the promise of His coming ? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation." (2 Peter 3.3)

I am tired. There is more I want to say but this is enough rambling as it is. I will close with this statement about those children. It is what Jesus said when His disciples asked “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. "Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

10 "See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven. 12 "What do you think ? If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go and search for the one that is straying ? 13 "If it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine which have not gone astray. 14 "So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones perish.  (Mathew 18)

          Some will say “But they did perish” but I will remind you that God does not see things as we do. Those children are in a place prepared for them long ago, they are in heaven with our heavenly father. In that place there is no time, it is eternal and has no end so no, they have not perished. It is a place I hope to go to when my time here on earth is done and I want to invite as many as I can to join me. I believe in love that requires sacrifice, I believe in helping others, I believe in doing good.

Dumb smart person

12/14/12 Friday

          Been staying busy. Managed to fix the humidifier. Took it apart and nosed around trying to figure out the problem. Saw the fan wasn’t working so took it out and put the ohmmeter on it. Discovered something was blown so went to Radio Shack. Learned it was a heat fuse but they did not have one that size so went home. Decided to bypass the fuse and discovered the bearing had come out of its mount. Took that apart, bent some metal, and put it back together. We now have a humidifier that works.

          Went to the appliance store that I had dropped the freezer off to find out what it would cost to get fixed. The freezer was one that was being thrown out by the jail because it no longer froze, just cooled. I figured that if it did not cost much to fix it would be a good investment and if it did cost too much I could add it to my worm growing operation. The freezer had been there two weeks and they still had not looked at it so I said “Just load it up, I’ll take it home”. The owner happened to be there and explained he had just learned the freezer was there two days ago. I had called the shop four or five times asking about it so was not impressed. He hurried to plug it in and I said “Don’t bother” so he said there was no charge. Said it needs a $50.00 computer board. Fifty bucks is a lot of money for us.

          Getting this freezer off of the truck by myself was a challenge. I did it without dropping it on the dogs, who were swarming all around trying to help as they do. So I managed to avoid letting them trip me up as well. Unfortunately doing this raised the pain level up pretty high and that slowed me down. I forgot to eat all day long as well and Cherie thinks that contributed to the major slowdown I experienced later in the day. It did not last long, for which I am always grateful. For those who don’t know these slowdowns are one of the problems caused by the traumatic brain injury. They don’t happen as often as they used to and are hard to explain to those unfamiliar with TBI. Basically my brain function slows down and you can hear it in my speech as aphasia sets in. Then it goes away and I am fine.

          Maisey is back from her surgery. We so love our pets. Hopefully this will slow down her urges to explore and certainly it will be nice to know we don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant. We will watch her for ten or so days, when she needs to have her stitches taken out. She scared us a few times when she ran out onto the busy highway in front of the house, chasing the trucks coming out from the oil well across the street. That got her in serious trouble with me and I spanked her butt, hoping she would understand it was because of going on the road.

          Things at the jail are going well. Several have made decisions to be followers of Christ. In talking with the sheriff he asked if I could provide a card or flyer that had my contact information on it because many come to him with concerns for relatives who are caught up in drugs or drinking and they are unsure how to help. Cherie created a half page flyer for me. We decided to call it “Freedom Ministries” despite the fact that there are already many organizations that use that name. We put the scripture found in John 8 on it “Whom the Son sets free shall be free indeed”. Then it says “Christ centered counseling. There are many things that bind us, But these chains can be broken. I have 35 years experience with the world of alcohol, drugs, crime, and all the problems that come with it.” Actually, if I would go back to when I first started using drugs at age 23 it would be 42 years’ experience in that world but I figured I would just go to when I first was sent to prison. That was a long time ago. Now I use all that bad to try and help others.

          We are still looking at how we can make this a working farm that pays the bills. It is frustrating to see so much opportunity but be unable to grasp it. The Lord will make a way, of that I am confident. Talked to a company that makes manufactured homes and builds the “Man camps” that are used to house oil field workers this morning. He is sending information to me about that, along with contact names of some of the oil companies that would be interested.

          I am not keeping up well with many things that need to be done. It always frustrates me when I fail to follow through on stuff. I forget so much and am still not good at making lists of things I should do. It’s an old problem that does not go away. I make promises to others and then it disappears. I remember them later and say “I need to do that” but in moments it vanishes again, the second something else catches my attention. I have often joked about myself, saying I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you will ever meet, it just depends on what moment you meet me. My tested IQ continues to go up each year I am tested to where it is now above average, but nowhere close to where it had once been. But I must be reminded like a child of what I am supposed to do and when. I am sure there are some who think I am just lazy or all talk. There is not much I can do about that.

          I’ll be heading to Midland this afternoon. There’s a prayer and share group that meets on Friday afternoon I like to attend. I will stop by the mechanic’s shop and see if he has even moved the truck yet, much less worked on it. He keeps dancing and making excuses but I decided not to take him to court, to practice the faith I teach so must accept whatever does or does not happen. Got to go now.

         

They said I am demon possessed. LOL

12/2/12 Sunday

          It’s catch up time again. Always seems to be catch up time around here. I stay busy and often find that what I thought I did I did not do. That is one of the most frustrating results of this brain injury. There is much that has happened so where do I start? Thinking, thinking…what to share and what should I keep to myself? There are of course things that happen which are not very positive or uplifting so the internal debate is “Can anything good come out of me talking about it?”. Sometimes that is a tough question. We live in a fallen and messed up world, with many varying viewpoints on what is good and what is not. Regardless of who you are and what you believe there is someone who will take offense regarding the stance you display. I understand that well as it seems I have an innate ability to rub others the wrong way. I guess this is unavoidable, especially in this day and time. As I write I am deciding what to share and what not, but I also understand that it is not what a person says that matters, it is the motive behind it that is important. I have recently been called a racist and demon possessed by different people in different situations. I can write in a way that puts them down and makes me look right, or I can write with the hope of making people think and examine their hearts, with the ultimate goal of improving their lives. Will contemplate whether or not to write about these instances as I work on the journal. (I did decide to write about it. You can read find it near the end of this post) The racist thing was a comment from a guy who says that everyone who did not vote for Obama or is not accepting his ideas is racist so he threw that at me. Not really worth taking the time to discuss. The demon possessed deal is different, and might be worth shining some light on.

One of the roots of all disagreements is the need folks have to be right, and to prove to others that fact, which of course requires that they prove the other person to be wrong. In all conflicts there is the desire to win, to come out on top. At the core of that lies pride, the source of all sin. Now I know that some of the readers of this blog are not believers in the same God I put my faith in, and I greatly respect their right to believe or not believe however they choose. In fact I feel honored that they still visit and read these ramblings of mine despite not holding the faith I have.

We had a beautiful thanksgiving dinner. It was just Cherie and I and she went all out to make it extra special. The turkey had been given to us a month or three earlier so that was a blessing for sure. Cherie made the green bean casserole from fresh beans and I’d have to say it was the best I’ve ever had. Of course, when you are unable to remember ever having green bean casserole that statement loses some value but I suspect it is a safe bet cause it was yummy. There was sweet potatoes mashed and a sweet potato pecan pie, something I had never heard of before. Cherie got out her grandmothers antique china for this meal as well. We prayed, gave God thanks for all the blessings He has given us and really enjoyed a wonderful time together.

I sent email messages to my sister, mother, and brother, wishing them all a happy thanksgiving. They all replied, even my brother. His response was only one sentence but considering the friction we have had I was grateful for even that. My hope is that our family could be reconciled but that will take some effort on my part. Unfortunately I am not very good at keeping in touch despite desiring to. Just like I forget when I posted in this blog I forget to write to my family.

I finally got the diesel truck running. It has cost us more to keep running than we paid for it but I suppose we should expect that from an eighteen year old truck with 200,000 miles on it. Two flywheels (because they didn’t put the first one on right) a starter and then what is called a PMD failed. That is the electronic controller of the fuel injection pump on the Chevy diesel, a part that is known for its high failure rate. Not knowing much at all about diesels I went online and joined a diesel owners forum. There I learned all kinds of things and got lots of good practical advice on what was wrong and how to fix it. When I described how the truck would surge in power and would quit running in the middle of the street they quickly identified the problem, and a solution. The factory placement of this part is on top of the motor, where temperatures get pretty high so a common solution is to relocate it.

Meantime the other truck still had not been repaired (and hasn’t yet today. Fact is the mechanic just refused to fix what he broke, told me to take my truck and go away. Problem is it does not run and I borrowed his truck to tow it there) so this left us in bad shape, with Cherie’s car the only trustworthy transportation. With money tight we do the best we can, and pray a lot. One day, as we walked out of our Sunday school class we meet a friend from the Kairos prison ministry, whom I hadn’t seen in almost a year. We got to talking and catching up on what had been going on and he learned about the trucks not being operational. Later he offered to help pay to get one of them fixed and the least expensive fix was the diesel. Even though he seemed to be willing to pay for the more expensive repair, the need for a transmission in the other truck I suggested he help with the diesel. That was a repair I could do myself so all we needed was the part.

After searching and asking online I learned Auto Zone carried the part in two forms. One was remanufactured and the other was new. The remanufactured one carried a 1 year warranty while the new one came with a lifetime warranty. That cost a hundred dollars more so I called our friend and he agreed that the lifetime warranty was worth the extra money, especially for a part that is known to fail. With the part purchased next came the task of relocating it to a cooler place. One of the Diesel owners forum members had an extra wiring harness to use so sent it to us at no charge.

The general consensus on that forum is to move the PMD and mount it behind the front bumper so that is what I did. The important step is to install a heat sink with it to cool this device that generates a great deal of heat on its own. Purchasing a heat sink means I’d have to spend thirty to eighty more dollars and I am pretty frugal when it comes to spending money, our own and that of others who want to help. So looking around I saw an old lawnmower I scavenged from the landfill for parts years ago. The top of the cylinder is finned and designed to dissipate heat so I removed it. Finding a piece of ¼ inch steel plate I’d saved from somewhere (I don’t throw much away, ever) so cut it to size and proceeded to drill and tap holes to mount it on the cylinder head and to mount the PMD on top.

Unfortunately the tap set I have is, like most of my tools, cheap and made in China. I was not able to get one little hole tapped. Was missing the appropriately sized drills I needed to so this required several trips to the store as taps bent, broke, and to get drill bits. But finally it all came together. Yay. I now have a truck that runs.

So we are blessed. We live in the midst of all kinds of darkness and while things are tight and sometimes difficult we are blessed. When I went to the jail yesterday I taught the guys a lesson from Mathew 5. In it Jesus said “you are the light of the world”. Light shines brightly in the darkness, it is there to lead and guide those seeking a way out of what often traps them. As I taught these men behind bars I wanted to emphasize that there is a way out of the path that put them in the jail, that Jesus came to set the captives free. Freedom from all those things that chain us, that lead us in directions we do not want to go is a big aspect of our faith in God.

The other message I wanted to convey is that when they get out of jail they will again face all the temptations that got them put in jail in the first place. Several of them have made the decision to become Christians or to renew the relationship to God they had once had. I have seen and experienced what happens when someone makes that decision to change their life and as a part of that to change how they live it. Their friends often are the ones who drink, use drugs, and practice the things that are appropriate for a follower of Christ. They don’t understand or don’t like a lifestyle that is based on doing what is right, from a Christian perspective. You see, they, like I once did, don’t see anything wrong with spending your time partying, getting trashed, and all the stuff that comes along with that, so for them it is right.

Jesus said “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John 3)

This has always been the way of things when it comes down to how people act. In prison, and in the outside world, people who truly live as Christ are seen as weak and often attacked. My desire in teaching these men is to prepare them for the ridicule they might get when they get out and their old friends find that they no longer wish to carouse with them as before. There are unfortunately many who fall back into their old lifestyle and are lost after having been found. One of the things we are praying about is to find a place where I can work with these men and others, helping them to get or stay free from all those things that bound them before.

At Church today we started studying the prophet Hosea. The teacher described the conditions of the nation of Israel in the time period Hosea wrote and asked “How does that compare to what we see in our country today?”. There is no question, at least in my mind, that our country has followed the path of the Israelites, that God has been abandoned in many circles, forgotten in others, rejected and ridiculed by many, and in the church we see so much compromise that the line between right and wrong is so blurred many cannot see the difference. Read this scripture out of second Timothy.

 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

Now I read this for years and presumed it talked about people who were in the world but the other day it hit me, right between the eyes, this is a description of what was to happen in the church. When you read the context you understand Paul was not only warning Timothy of what he would face but prophetically describing the church of today. “Having a form of Godliness but denying its power”. The prophet Isaiah said it well The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.

          It is sad to watch so many, who proudly strut their faith in Jesus, yet talk about others, killing them with their words, and justify it by saying “We are doing the Lord’s work”. Think of the Pharisees of Jesus’ day. Understand that they were confident they were doing God’s work as they fought against Jesus. They were righteously indignant when Jesus ate with sinners, when He did not wash His hands the way they thought He should, and followed Him carefully, looking for anything they could find to accuse Him of. How quickly they forget the number one command of the one they call Lord, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.

Paul also told Timothy “Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived.” in his letter. I can definitely relate to that. Recently got an email from a pastor, who’s church we had attended for over a year and it said “You need deliverance but I knew you would not receive that information from me. You have the spirit of religion, rejection, unforgiven toward all the people who do not bend to your concept of your religion. The people at church spotted 4 others. I can't remember all of them right now. You need to seek help. We know you had already been ask to leave other churches before you came to ours. We thought we might could help you.” (Can you feel the love here? Me neither, just a whole lot of judgment) Heck they saw so many demons in me that the pastor lost count.

For the year we attended I practically begged this pastor to meet with me. We had gone there to submit our ministry to leadership, to be under submission to the pastor, as I feel this is the correct biblical way of doing things. Instead it seemed that jealousy, envy, and even a paranoid fear I was there to take over, ruled in the pastors mind. It is clear from this and several other emails I got (for she never sat down and talked with me) that not just the pastor but many in the church sat down and talked about me many times. They looked hard for faults and decided I was demon possessed and needed to have these demons cast out, but never once said a word or offered to help me with this perceived fault. I wrote back and said I would let them pray over me and try to cast out demons for as long as they wanted. There was of course no response because they really don’t care, just offer empty words to justify their judgment.

Here is more of Paul’s words in 2 Timothy, “I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.”

I’m done for now. Probably said too much. But every word is the truth and truth is seldom popular. Remember, God really does love you.   

Found what I started, and did not finish

So I evidently wrote this last Tuesday and probably got distracted, thus it never got finished. Not sure were I was going with the thought so figured I'll post it the way I found it. Then I'll work on a post that will update what's happening on Westbrook Farms. Hope it gets finished and I don't get distracted.

11/20/12 Tuesday

          Been busy working on the farm. There is increasing damage from gophers and evidence of their incessant spread abound everywhere. More drip irrigation destroyed as they chew through the plastic. I am at a loss regarding how to rid this pest from the farm. Oh, I know some ways to do it but as usual am unable to afford the resources needed to do so. There is so much we could do with just a few dollars, so much. We watched the PBS show they had on the dustbowl and that brought in a fresh perspective. Those farmers in Oklahoma and upper Texas were tough beyond measure, as they fought to carve out a life and dream with next to nothing. But they had a few bumper crop years before it all came crashing down so that helped greatly and gave them a glimpse of what could be. We haven’t had that gift and moved here without even a hoe, lawn mower, or anything besides our clothes and a few pieces of furniture. In the fantasy that was my hope I envisioned being welcomed by all and finding great help along with those who could give friendly advice. Now understand I was still in bad shape from the brain injury that left me wandering homeless and lost so my sense of reality was not in tune with the hard truth we found. I guess it is still off a little but I have learned a lot about people in the eleven years since I woke from the coma.

          I suppose part of my problem is I study the bible and tend to view the world from its perspective. When you understand how God sees things, just a little glimpse of how He sees things, then all fall short, even yourself. So I know how things are supposed to be and see how they really are and it breaks my heart. But in the midst of all that there are a few shining lights of exception that break through like lighthouses on dark stormy nights, beacons to aim for as you are tossed by many waves of disruption and despair.