Choosing to not fear

2/28/13 Thursday

            It was cold this morning, the weather lady on the news said 27 degrees. There was no wind so we were fairly cozy in the house. I got up at 2:00 this morning and restocked the wood burner. I often do this, waking up by some instinct to keep the fire going. It is 12:45 in the afternoon right now. Cherie came home for lunch and fixed some couscous. I am having a bad slow down. Can barely talk. Perhaps I’ll record what I sound like during these episodes. It is so strange to be me. I am smart but can’t remember what to do. We run into people all the time who don’t know what to think. It is like being on drugs and I wonder if some people think I am high or a drug addict because of how they act towards me. This is a pretty bad slow down. Wonder how long it will last. I worry about this. Here we are trying to build a business and asking others for help. I didn’t talk a lot about the effects of this brain damage. Did not want to scare people away who might help us. But I don’t want them to think I purposely tried to hide the fact I have problems to overcome. As I wrote that last sentence it occurs to me that I did purposely avoid that issue. Is it wrong to not point out my weaknesses? I don’t hide them. I try not to focus on them. There was a period where I talked about the issues that come with a traumatic brain injury all the time, was constantly trying to explain why I was different. It was almost like I was apologizing for what I was afraid I would do before I did anything. I figured out that doing this caused more problems than it solved. People would always say “We understand” but in reality they did not.

You can see how much sand the wind blew in and this is just one window.      

     Things are progressing with purchasing the property on the interstate. I have great hopes and at the same time great insecurities too. There was a time I was a proponent of positive thinking and it was a core value I presented during the many sales seminars and training sessions I taught. I was often complimented on how impressive I was with my “Can Do” attitude and great self-confidence I exuded. I built several companies and overcame many obstacles in those days but it is much harder today. I guess a lot of that got beat out of me during the days that led to the accident and in the years of desperation that followed waking from the coma. I was so on top of the world before that and then became totally dependent on others for my daily needs, even having to have my diapers changed as I lay helpless. It is hard for me these days to be confident. I have no doubts regarding the potential for the RV park as there are dozens of them all over which are filled with RV’s but there is a fear inside I must overcome, a nagging lack of confidence that looks for everything to go wrong. I suspect part of that is a result of the personality change that came with the brain injury. Plus I have constant reminders of my areas of weakness and having a bad slowdown like I just did doesn’t help.

 See those streaks of dirt? During high winds the walls are pressurized and thus fine sand blows out of every little crack and crevice, like along the door trim.

            So I will choose to trust in God and have faith that He loves me and that He has always had a plan for us. Plus I will choose to be confident. It’s not an easy thing to do for me, not like it used to be. But I sit here being honest and that might be part of my problem. One of the results of the brain injury was that I was, and still am, painfully honest. I don’t put up a false face well, I am not good at pretending to be happy when I am not or pretending to be anything. But if I am to be a leader then I understand that I need to present that confidence and a positive outlook because I know that my attitude can greatly affect or infect those around me. This I know and have seen in so many ways. With my telemarketing company I would always keep an eye out for those individuals who had bad attitudes because I knew that one bad apple could spoil the whole room. Here I am struggling with my fears and doubts and telling the whole world about them. There is no question that the RV park is a good idea and will be successful. My doubts are in myself I guess and my fears are related to the bad experiences we had in the past, with people who would say one thing and do another, with betrayals from those we trusted. I can’t allow myself to let those past betrayals to cause me to doubt others. A scripture I cling to, that I rely on, says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge God and He will direct your paths”.

We loved Ben and Gretchen, both dogs we rescued. It broke our hearts when someone shot them both. There is so much we just don't understand.

           We have had dogs come into our lives who had been obviously abused. When I lifted my hand quickly to simply scratch my nose Gretchen would cower down in fear. We loved her for the entire two or three years she lived with us and that fear she had slowly got better. In some ways I am like that dog we loved, having been beaten too much. The Love of God in my heart is slowly mending those wounds. I recognize the source of these fears within me and with the recognition no longer allow them to have much sway. But they are there.

            We look forward to what God and the people He has put in our life has for us. We look forward to creating a place that will help others along with it being a place we can share the Love of Christ with others. 

This is our worm farm, where we make some great dirt.

            I am doing better now regarding the slowdown. It’s 3:00 so that one only lasted 3 hours. Not as bad as some have been but certainly worse than the ones that only last fifteen minutes or so. They always tire me out, suck a lot of energy from me. I will get back to working with the worm dirt we have. It’s time to get it sifted out so I can prepare planting soil and get some of the seeds started. The worms did good this winter and I found lots of them thriving in most of the refrigerators. In one the rats or mice found a way in and ate lots of the worms. Rats and mice are always a problem here. They have been getting into the engine compartments of our vehicles and caused some serious damage chewing wires and stuff. Time to go and get some stuff done now.