Been thinking about people

11:40 – The air conditioner is done and working well. I looked at my watch and thought it said 12:30 so was frustrated it took so long. I was an hour off but in my mind still think I should have the dogs washed and air conditioner fixed by 10:00. At least I’m consistent in my expectations for myself. Always think I can do a job quicker than reality later slaps me in the face with. Oh well. Don’t suppose I’ll ever get used to that.

Been thinking a lot about people we know as I work. I’ll have to put my thoughts in the private journal, the one that will probably never be published though a lot of it will end up in one of the books I’m writing. One of those will be fictional though, based on the realities we have experienced. Don’t know if I mentioned it but I was contacted by a publishing house regarding writing a book. That one will be the auto biography. I hope to be able to write all good things regarding what we’ve experienced here but in order for that to happen some people will need to change. There are lots of good endings to our story, though it’s too early to talk about the end. Regardless I will tell the truth, as I try to always do anyways. The truth for some is wonderful but for others something to be feared. I always marvel at the “Christians” who run and hide, endeavor to cover up their thoughts and actions, for with God there are no secrets. Not even what you think is hidden from Him. 1 Corinthians 4.5 says “He will bring to light9 what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.”

In Mathew chapter six, where you can also find the Lord’s prayer, we are instructed to do our deeds in secret. Mathew 6.3 “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” So there are no secrets with God, however in that chapter Jesus is clear about those who go around doing good things so that everyone can see it and calls them hypocrites. This is the balance that we should strive to achieve. When it all comes down to it hypocrisy is putting forth that false image, hiding what is not flattering and making a show of the good things you do. It’s not what you do, but why you do it that’s important and it’s the motives of the heart that God will expose.

I know I’m getting preachy but…well, I say these things with the hope of helping others for we will all face God and we will all answer to Him. Now John 3.16 is the bible verse most of us are the most familiar with. It says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

It’s important to read all of a scripture, not just pull out the part you like. At verse nineteen it goes on to say 19 “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” So this is why I marvel at the church goers who seek to hide their deeds from those around. What is more important, what people think of you or what God KNOWS about you? I try to live in a way that is pleasing to God and know that I often don’t do very good at it, but I try. I know that when I fail that God will forgive me, but only if I ask and ask right.

Anyway, I’ll be writing more than one book but the autobiography is the first one. Here’s a question for a few of you, “How do you want it to end? What would you like it to say about you?”

Not just hard, WAY hard water

7/20/10 Tuesday
First thing on the list is to finish rebuilding the evaporative air conditioner. I had presumed the reason it wasn’t cooling air was due to the high humidity, and while that is a fact upon closer inspection I discovered the tubes that transfer water had once again plugged up. This is nothing new and I’ve cleaned them out before as best I could. Our water is not just hard water, it’s way hard water. When lawn sprinklers and even water hose attachments plug up with mineral deposits after a short period of use you know the water is hard. So I had to go buy a kit to replace all the tubing and already spent a couple of hours carefully scraping and chipping mineral deposits off the pump, which I just replaced last year. Cherie and I have lived in front of the fans all week. It doesn’t get to me much as I’m working outside all the time but it’s been hard on Cherie, who spends her work day in air conditioning. When we get a few extra dollars I’ll buy a window air conditioner. The biggest problem will be getting electricity to it as there are no plugs on the outside wall.

Today I’ll go to Midland and do my laundry. It’s going to be a tight couple of weeks as we’ve had several expenses to pay out on. I’ll poop scoop at our friends house and check on the cabinet repair job I did but haven’t followed up on. I think that going to Midland will not happen till later in the day as there is plenty that needs doing here on the farm and I want to catch it early in the day before it gets too hot.

Giving the dogs a tick bath is high on the to do list as well. As expensive as Frontline is it still doesn't seem to do well against the ticks. Rascal and Trixie will stand still for the bath but Gretchen and Ben are another matter. I'll have to spray them with the Adams spray we have that seems to work.

Cherie is doing better now. The depression comes in waves and she is working on forgiving the people who unwittingly hurt her so bad. There’s more to that but I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. When the time’s appropriate I might write about the whole situation, or I might not. I’ll take Cherie’s advice on that one.

That’s it. There’s work to do and it ain’t getting done while I sit here and write. See ya next time.
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Came in to take my ten o’clock pain pill. 1 every four hours, took first at 6:00 this morning. Woke up hurting as I often do. I just got done washing Trixie and Rascal. Bending over each one of them for over ten minutes each as I scrubbed the shampoo in as per the instructions was excruciating, but it has to be done. Looking at the clock I can tell I spent way more than ten minutes each on them. You don’t know how many ticks are on them till you wet them down and start scrubbing in the shampoo. When they are wet you can see the ticks easier through the thick fur and as I work the shampoo in with my fingers I can feel them easily. My fingers are trained to detect ticks or anything else in their fur now. We constantly find ticks as we pet them. Cherie tells me we just put the frontline on them two weeks ago and you are not supposed to apply it more than once a month.

Ben and Gretchen have disappeared, as they regularly do, so I’m unable to spray them down. Guess I’ll go work on the air conditioner now. Hard to believe it’s already after ten. Time flies when there’s lots to do.

I remembered yesterday that there had been a pipeline break on our land last year and they had come out and dug it up to repair. It’s a pipe that runs from our oil well towards the highway. Now I wonder if that’s responsible for the big increase of salt in our well water. We really need to pursue that. Several people told me that they would get me the number and address of the railroad commission, who’s responsible for that, but none of them have. It’s a constant frustration for me to keep forgetting what I need to do and to consistently not follow through on things. Just read an article concerning a veteran who sustained a traumatic brain injury in Iraq five years ago where he expresses the same frustration. Then there is always the constant flow of people who can’t seem to comprehend this. They look at me and talk with me and are unable to detect these issues so presume I’m fine. That’s why they call it the “Unseen illness”. I’ve built companies despite multiple TBI’s and was able to do it because I could hire people to compensate for the problems that come with it. That came up at the USDA meeting when I was asked what made me think I could accomplish the business plan when I had a hard time with day to day tasks. I told them I would hire people to help but that didn’t seem to get through, get past the preconceived notions of what it takes to be successful. I’ll make it with or without their help, but it would sure be easier with it.

Break time’s over. Gotta go

The daily struggle continues

It continues, the daily struggle against all that would hinder us and keep us from achieving our goals. If you believe in God you must understand there is a devil. With that in mind I must ask “How much of this is a spiritual battle?” There are forces at work against us, just as there is an unseen hand that has done wonderful things that defy logical explanation. So I pray, pray that God help us overcome these difficulties and whatever it is that is against us. I know there are people who actively work to hinder what we do, who use the power of the tongue to poison the minds of those we come in contact with. I also see the greed and selfishness that overcomes otherwise good people so that the good they wish to do actually is to our detriment.

There is the depression that comes on like a flood so I must think it too has spiritual roots. I can be feeling great and walk outside to have feelings of despair and hopelessness wash over me with such force that I want to give up and just turn around and come back in. And I watch Cherie fighting this same thing. She will tackle a task such as designing and printing flyers for the widow with enthusiasm and joy but when it comes to something connected to the farm and this house it’s quite a different matter. Cherie remarked to me the other day how she can be doing great and feel energetic till the moment she comes home. Then the depression and even physical tiredness sets in. So I’m beginning to think that there is more to this than meets the eye, that it’s a spiritual thing.

So the key then is for us to have faith, to believe in our heart the scripture that says “If God be for us, who can be against us” and “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me”. In this regard I have failed Cherie for it is my responsibility to lead in spiritual matters, to dedicate time to pray and study the bible with Cherie. In many ways I must be her strength, someone she can lean on and depend on to hold her up and support her. It is an area I am lacking in currently.

I’ve been out mowing and pulling weeds all morning, and it seems like I just touched the surface. This area is where our onions are, plus some collard greens that surprisingly showed up. They’d been planted along with a whole lot of stuff but none of it ever came up due to the well water poisoning the seeds. One day, after the rains, I was out there with Sam showing him where to hoe and we saw them growing. They weren’t growing on the hills I planted them but evidently the seeds had washed off so these were growing in the walkways.

Despite having a whole T shirt tied on my head I had sweat running into my eyes and on my glasses. The T shirt is soaked through so much I could wring a bucketful out of it. Hard to believe it’s already noon. There’s so much to do, there’s always so much to do.

There is a day coming when we will have the resources we need to work this farm. I’ll be able to afford and support the help we so desperately need, and with that help comes the increased ability to make this a profitable working farm. Till then I struggle forward as best I can. If every door we come to seems like it’s slammed in our face it doesn’t matter. That’s because we trust in God and there is nothing that can stand in His way, nothing God can’t overcome and deal with. Those who wish to take advantage of us must face God. Right now I’m sure someone reading this is snickering at my blind belief, laughing at the naiveté I and all Christians like me, am displaying. All I can say is “watch and see what God can do”.

So pray for us and specifically pray for my wife, that she can overcome this depression that is attacking her.

Part of the daily struggle right now is fighting the ticks that infest the dogs. We put hundreds of dollars worth of Frontline on them but it seems to do little good. Bought some more tick shampoo and I’ll wash them again today. Unfortunately I’m unable to wash Gretchen and Ben, the outside dogs, for they won’t stand still for it. I’ll spray them with the Adams tick spray we have. That will help.

Took my second pain pill and think I’ll run to Stanton, where I’ll pick up mail and if Carols is open buy some tacos for lunch. Then it’s back to work.

Another hot day

There are always those who lie in wait to take advantage should you wander into their net



7/19/10 Monday
It will be another hot day and there is no rain in the forecast. Cherie is fighting depression again and I am at a loss for what to do. I love her dearly and have worked hard to make her smile, but it’s been hard after she learned of what someone else said, coupled with other things that came to light. So pray for her please.





I spent a lot of time yesterday repairing more damage the gophers did to the drip irrigation system. Not good. I’ll try to blow their tunnels with oxygen and propane like I saw on you tube. Gophers have caused more damage and trouble than any other pest we’ve seen. Poison doesn’t always seem to work and bothers me to use. If a poisoned gopher comes to the surface there’s the possibility that one of our dogs will eat it and thus become poisoned or even one of the hawks that constantly comb the area looking for a meal.

I will be attacking weeds, the never ending fight I can’t seem to get ahead on. If I could get crops to grow like weeds I’d be a rich man. Plus I plan on focusing some time working on the lawn and flower garden, with the hope that it will help brighten Cherie’s day.

That’s it for now. Don’t feel like writing much, more worried than anything and there is always work to do.

Just a little hope goes a long way

The water wagon loaded with jugs of rainwater. They didn't go far, only three rows barely wet.

7/18/10 Sunday
Yesterday was a good day. Cherie has been feeling real down ever since she became aware of what someone said, and the reduced value they placed on us because of it. The statement had to do with our inability to have children. It cut Cherie deeply, way down to a core going all the way back to our first marriage and the hopes all, or at least most, couples have of creating a family. This is a hope that is now unattainable to us, though I did have the privilege of raising two boys from early childhood to adult that came with the second wife.

Not only did this get her down but created an anger that brewed inside till she released it as I sought to ease the pain. She didn’t release it at me, just vented all the hurt and pain. It was good for her to get it out.

Here's the sink and cabinet to be replaced.

Cherie had found a faucet that was on sale for $28 bucks at Home Depot and mentioned it to me. I made it important to take her there, deciding that the price was very affordable. It looks amazingly sharp and was mixed in with other faucets by the same maker that were $75 to $100 dollars. Quite a deal. As I looked for something to fix the storm door, that had torn itself off the hinges, Cherie went looking at other stuff. She came back excited and showed me a sink and cabinet that would fit the faucet well. This is all for the bathroom, which is a nasty decrepit room that has tile falling off the wall and all kinds of other problems that come with age and poor workmanship. The price of the cabinet was $68 dollars but for twenty more we could get one a little nicer and a few inches wider. I’d earned a few dollars helping a friend and knew this would go a long way in helping Cherie feel better by replacing what she is embarrassed to have anyone else see, so decided to get it.
The bathtub that is also on it's last legs. I can only run hot water, so must wait till it cools off before I get in. That and because there is no shower contributes to the "Stink" issue I posted about yesterday.

Come to find out the cabinet was damaged. I noticed the box was deeply dinged so insisted on inspecting the contents before purchasing it. It was the last one of the type and when we discovered the kick plate was broken asked for a manager. When the clerk learned who was on duty that day she grimaced, stating that he was a hard ass and seldom gave discounts. She described the damage on the phone and he cut the price almost in half. Cool, that was a big blessing, and enhanced Cherie’s happiness as she loves getting a deal.
Talk about hard water, just look at the mineral deposits on the bathtub faucet. There are some we know who express their sense of superiority, though I doubt they even realize it, that would see this as proof they are better than we are. We inherited this farm and are fixing it up as God provides, and have learned to be content with what we are blessed with. And we are grateful every day, though some days that's hard to do.

There’s only one problem now. I have to put it in. That requires dealing with very old plumbing, which is scary. One turn with a wrench and the whole pipe could rupture. What makes it harder is that I can’t crawl under the house to fix something because we still have a bee hive down there full of feral honey bees. There’s no way I’m crawling down there with that very real danger to face. I don’t know if there is a water shut off to the house anywhere. What we do is turn it off at the well so there is no water anywhere. So much of this place is still a mystery and my grandfather did a lot of…uh…southern engineering and just enough to get by. Eventually I plan on expanding the whole bathroom so it’s bigger than a closet. That requires building a wall and tearing the existing one down. Not a big problem but the potential issue is what condition the floor is in. I suspect that parts of it will need to be replaced but that will have to wait till there’s some money to spend. It would be nice to have a shower and a tub that runs more than just the hot water. (the cold water faucet no longer works due to mineral deposit buildups)

But just the hope, seeing the light and knowing that we possess a new faucet and sink brightened Cherie’s day. Well worth any amount of money I could spend. I’ll tear off the rest of the tile, that’s falling off anyway, and start preparing for the replacement.

We went to church at the little place down the road today. We like it, it’s close and there are only maybe twenty people there today. It will grow I’m sure. There’s work to do so that’s all the writing I’ll do for now. God bless y’all and have a great day.

If I stink, it's your problem! (how I used to think)

7/15/10 Thursday
11:00 – Been out planting, or at least that’s what I went outside to do. No seeds have actually made it into the ground yet. I untangled the drip hose that was rolled up in order for me to till the areas to be planted. Then I started laying the hose out but had to cut up some more coat hangers to make wire hold downs to keep the hose from blowing away. I looked at the seeds to be planted last night and discovered many of them will require trellises. That means I need to till and prepare beds over where I built the T-frames for this purpose. Some of the other seeds must wait till later in the year to be planted so they were put aside. I picked out four or five seeds to plant in the area already prepared. Reading the instructions on the back of the package I see the suggestion that the seeds be soaked for one or two hours before planting to insure or enhance germination. They are soaking now. While they soak I’ll go to work on the trellis area. I’m planting okra, garden peas, bush beans, and maybe some squashes. There are carrot seeds that interest me but I must re read what they require. It would be nice if I could remember what I’ve read and studied before, every year, but hasn’t happened yet.
This was a 7 foot tall weed with a 2+ inch thick stalk at the base. No wonder I break hoes. Almost went and got the axe or chain saw to get it.

Came in to take my 11:00 pain pill so that’s done. I’ll post this and get back out there. Will need to come in and clean up before to long for the meeting in Big Spring. Don’t want to go there all nasty and soaked with sweat. Cherie’s doing a good job of teaching me about little social things like that. My personal inclination is “I’m a farmer so if I stink that’s the way it is. If you don’t like it that’s your problem”. But I’m learning to be considerate of my public appearance and of what others think. Not terribly convenient but I suppose it makes life easier.

That’s it. There’s always work to do and the day is shortened by my need to run to Big Spring. While there I need to remember to stop at the VA and get a new ID card. Still haven’t gotten the new driver’s license yet. That should arrive in the mail next week. You watch, as soon as I get all this stuff replaced I’ll find the wallet. I wonder how much money is in it? Don’t have a clue and can’t remember, but I know money was tight so doubt there’s very much in it. What I miss the most is the piece of paper that had all the phone numbers in it. Can’t replace that.

Another snake

There are many snakes in life. Rattlesnakes usually announce their presence, as this one did when Rascal ran past it. The dangerous snakes are the ones that don't do that, the ones that hide in the grass and disguise their intent.

7/14/10 Wednesday
Another Wednesday. Some call it hump day cause it’s halfway through a five day workweek. I don’t have a five day nine to five job so every day is hump day I suppose. Everyday I get up and overcome whatever difficulties arise and every day I work as much and as long as I am able to. Every day we put our trust in God. We trust Him to protect and guide in this often times wicked world from those who would take advantage of us or who strive to keep us from achieving our goals. This isn’t paranoia, it’s a reality we have been forced to face more often than we’d like.

Yesterday I was forced to kill another rattlesnake. Hate doing it but we can’t have them around the house where they could kill the dogs or bit us. I think that’s only the third one this year. Cherie killed one by herself a few weeks back. It was small, a baby that had not yet developed rattles but a rattlesnake none the less with well developed fangs that can inject venom.

It’s going to be another hot and humid day and the humidity is forecast to continue for days. I don’t mind the heat too much but the humidity is nasty. If it was dry like it normally is out here in the desert then the evaporative air conditioner would cool the air effectively. Unfortunately it doesn’t work well at all with high humidity so the house isn’t cooled off and we spend most of our time in front of fans, which are placed strategically in every room.

The blackeyed peas I planted last week have come up. I planted more yesterday and still have much more to get in the ground. The soil has lost most of it’s moisture and is dusty dry on the surface now. I had to run the tiller back over where I’d tilled just a couple of days ago to break up the crustiness that develops when it dries. Today I plan on planting the various seeds that Cherie picked out. Plus I need to prune the tomato plants and run wire through the T-frames I built months ago in order to begin guiding the plants to grow vertically.

Here's a lone carrot I found as I was tilling to prepare for summer plantings. It was at the end of a row I had planted in the spring, the sole survivor of a hundred seeds. It's small, which tells me the seed germinated long after it was planted, probably after a rare rain. We're grateful for everything we get, no matter how small

So there’s plenty to do, as there always is at Westbrook Farms. In addition to work on the farm I now need to start working on developing a blog for the Kairos prison ministry I’m involved in. Met with other members of the group yesterday where we discussed ways to recruit more people to get involved. With my background in marketing and experience blogging I am well equipped to contribute in this way. When I explained just how potentially powerful a well designed blog would be they got excited about the concept. Another thing I’ll be doing is helping them develop a media package designed to promote the Kairos ministry and hopefully get some air time on local TV stations. I guess I’m the media director for the ministry now and that includes creating media releases for newspapers, radio, and television, in addition to internet venues. It’s exciting for me to take this on, and a mark of how far I’ve come in my recovery from the brain injury. Hopefully I’ll fulfill others expectations and do well.

Nuff said. There’s heat to beat and work to do so time to get outside while it’s still cool, relatively speaking.

There's work to do (Always)

7/12/10 Monday
No time to do a lot of writing this morning. There’s work to do and a busy day scheduled. The rain has stopped and the ground is quickly drying up so I’m under the gun to get seeds in the ground. I know there are still tons of weeds that need to be tackled but If I don’t plant seeds there is no hope of late summer/fall crops. The people who judge us based on how deplorable things look can go to…well I need to control those thoughts and not let it get to me. We try hard and do the best we can. I’d like to see some of those who talk keep up with me. Doubt many of them would despite not enduring the pain and fatigue I daily overcome. The hard part is the mental one, forgetting what I need to do and getting distracted so my original task remains undone while I work on something else I saw.

Anyway, time to get to work. It’s still only in the 70’s though will soon reach the ninety degree mark. There are a few phone calls on my written schedule to make so I will get them out of the way and get out there.
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Spent 4 hours at the friends house. They left without letting me know so the last hour was spent sitting around wondering where they went and what to do. It was hot so I was soaked with sweat. It took a lot out of me. Wanted to go to work here on the farm but I have no energy left. Am physically weak so odds are I need to replenish electrolytes and certainly need water. I’m also in a real crappy mood. Dogs got yelled at more than once. Not a good end for the day. There’s work to do and I’m not up to doing it. Tomorrow I meet with Dave and Ken with the Kairos ministry. That’s right in the middle of the day so will once again keep me from getting things done.

Cherie rearranged the bedroom so the tv no longer sits on the tall dresser. Now we can only get two stations, the Christian one and channel two. Fox is no longer there. There goes that. Doesn’t help the mood any. Fox had some of the few shows that I could stand to watch. Ok, Fox comes in now after Cherie put tin foil on the antenna and fiddled with it.

The heat is back

Before

7/11/10 Sunday
The heat is back. It was nice for a while when the high’s were only in the 80’s, despite the 90 + % humidity. We went to church this morning and enjoyed fellowshipping with our many friends there. After we went to visit some other friends and were surprised with a barbeque rib cookout. We discussed some issues they are helping us with and I’ll go back over there tomorrow to do some work for them. Unfortunately that took up the cool of the day and there is lots to do so when we came home I went straight to work. Didn’t last as long out there as I thought I would so came in to sit in front of the fan and cool off. It’s 6:00 now so should start cooling off soon. It will be a late day again as I work to get as much done. I told our friend that I wouldn’t come over till later as I plan on getting as much done as I can around the farm during the cool of the day.

After, same area minus weeds.

9:00 – I’m done for the day. Worn out again. As much as I would prefer to be planting seeds I’m forced to spend time fighting weeds. Been mowing them for days now and have barely scratched the surface. You can see in the first picture how high the weeds are. Many of them are five foot tall now and got that way in just three or so weeks. There are areas that were cleared to the ground with a hoe twelve days ago and the weeds are back, already a foot high. That’s the rain. Desert weeds are geared to go for broke anytime it rains and, boy do they go.

I spent four hours mowing these weeds down. Now I know that because I just mowed them they will grow back right away so the next step is to break out the tiller and till what’s left under. The reason I mowed is to catch the clippings with the grass catcher in the mower. These clippings will become compost in the raised beds I never was able to finish. The front end loader died before I could move dirt back into them and I was never able to get the sixteen remaining railroad ties needed to finish building them because of whomever convinced the old man I was out to take advantage of him. May God deal with them. So I’ll pile clippings there as high as I can and next year it will be some good fertile soil.

Cherie went through seeds and picked out some for me to plant. That’s a big help for me. As much as I need to keep up with weeds I am also pressed to plant seeds. We hope to have a fall crop due to the rain fall we’ve been blessed with but the ground is drying out quick. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Weeds need to be removed from where I need to plant for sure. One of the comments we received at the USDA meeting was an observance of the weeds and with that the question came up regarding my ability to keep up with the work. Frankly I can’t by myself and explained that if we can create an income we can afford to pay for the help we need. Meantime I do the best I can with what I’ve got, and all I’ve got right now is me. Not much to look at and a little disabled but I keep on plugging.
This was just a few small spots of grass a few weeks ago.

We’ve got a few spots where some of the tens of thousands of Bermuda grass seed actually germinated. It looks real good and I had to mow it. The grass on the side of the house I wasn’t sure about because I didn’t have an eye to be able to tell what kind of grass it was, so I left it alone hoping it was the Bermuda I planted there. It wasn’t. Don’t know what it is but it’s nasty looking stuff so I’ll have to till it all under and plant Bermuda again. I’ll take some of the Bermuda that came up in other places and transplant it Once it takes root it’s proven to do quite well and spread rapidly. Eventually we will have a yard.

With all the rain there have been lots of mushrooms come up. This bad boy is as big as my hand. In Michigan we had morel mushrooms come up. I knew someone who pointed them out to me so knew what they were and picked them to eat. Not even going to think about that here. Too many mushrooms will kill you in a heartbeat. But I can enjoy the pale beauty of them and wonder at how quick they come up.

I’m tired and plan on getting up with the sun to get as much done as I can. See ya when next I can.
Be

I WILL OVERCOME

7/9/10 Friday
The meeting with the USDA people hit Cherie harder than I thought. “I hate this place” she exclaimed as she broke down. “It’s like it was a big joke” she said as I tried to console her. I’ve admired Cherie for her strength, for the burden she took on when she remarried me despite the severe effects of the brain injury. I admire the fortitude displayed when we moved here to a house with no hot water, heat, or much of anything else. She endured the rejection and isolation we experienced at the church we attended for over a year until we found the love and fellowship we needed in Midland. We lived on my disability check for the first few years a meager life, eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly along with whatever else we could scrape up. She hung in there, she has stayed at my side, we are in love if nothing else. As Cherie cried she said that me and her job were the only bright spots she had. It breaks my heart to see her pain but it was good to hear that I was the bright spot in her life.

So what can I do? I love Cherie with all my heart and it is for her I wish to build this farm into a thriving business, in order to provide a life for her and also with the hope of gaining acceptance and a measure of prestige. But it’s been a struggle, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve been a one man show fighting through the effects of the brain injury and pain to accomplish the little that has succeeded. My reaching out for help has met with little success. We been blessed by many who have donated needed items but as far as accessing government programs and serious level business resources my efforts have to date done little. So I sit on seventy five acres of land that I don’t have the tools or resources to develop. The USDA guys said we qualified for payments on our acres through a government program that was similar to the CRP program, only we could lease it out for grazing or do other things with the land, except grow vegetables. But that is just meager subsistence money. I have land that can be farmed and developed. Why would I want to just sit on it and barely exist? I don’t understand that whole attitude. Am I regarded as some kind of low life who has no ability or worth, someone who should just be relegated to a bare just getting by existence?

I’m upset, and my words reflect that. I won’t quit. But I love Cherie. I want to make her happy and secure. In my mind the path for that is through this farm, it’s a resource that has yet to be developed. I’ve perceived that some think I’m chasing a pipe dream, perhaps even think I’m a fool for daring to dream of better things. Perhaps I am. But the alternative, to dare not to dream, to resign myself to subsisting and just existing, is not acceptable to me. There is that spirit deep within that says not only “I will survive” but “I WILL OVERCOME, I WILL SUCCEED”. I made it past the survival mode after I woke from the coma. I wasn’t expected to live and did, I wasn’t expected to ever be able to walk and talk, and I do both well now though I have a limp and sometimes say things I shouldn’t. Should I worry about what others think? I know the answer is No but what people think hurts. What people think also becomes another obstacle that must be overcome for their attitudes precipitate actions that cause problems. Whomever convinced the old man that I was only there to take advantage of him caused much harm, which could well have been their intent. I know that if a community came together to help someone great things can happen but also that the opposite is true. Jesus did fantastic things everywhere he went but when he went to His hometown the bible says in Mathew 13:58 And He did not do many miracles there because of their unbelief. So even Jesus was hampered by the attitude of those around Him. As a sales trainer I used to teach the power of a positive attitude, of a “Can Do” mentality. It’s just hard to maintain in the face of all this.

Just talked to the widow we help. Other peoples problems sure help make yours seem smaller. I want to help others but have a hard time helping myself. Doesn’t matter, I will still do what I can for others when I am able.
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As soon as I walked outside it started raining. Wasn’t a hard rain, just a light sprinkle. I looked at all that needs to be done and found myself once again fighting depression. It’s too muddy to do a lot of things. As long as it’s just a light sprinkle I’ll stay out there working. The words of that meeting keep echoing in my head, particularly the question asked about what made me think I could do any of this stuff we dreamed about for our future if I had a hard time keeping up with what I had to do now. With God’s help I can do amazing things. There is a scripture that says “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” that comes to mind. I think I’ll go online and look it up.

I so enjoy having internet access now. I use a site called crosswalk.com that has great bible study tools. The scripture is in Philippians chapter 4 and when I read the whole thing it brings comfort. Let me share it with you. The first part is one I know well.

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This verse is a principle I try to practice, though often not successfully. It is important as Christians, and for everyone else for that matter, to take care what we feed our minds. It’s just like the computer adage, “Garbage in, garbage out”. You are what you feed yourself and I don’t care who you are, if you stay in filth you will get dirty, both inside and out.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things

And there is the scripture that started this

11. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Does this make everything better? No. It just gives me strength and helps me to choose to trust God.

Breaks over, time to get out in the rain and work. Doesn’t matter if I get wet from the rain as I generally get soaking wet from sweat in a few minutes anyway.
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The miscreants are back. They’ve stayed close for a few days, to our great relief, but went exploring again last night. As is often the case there is evidence of trouble they flirted with. Ben looks ok but Gretchen’s back leg is bloody and swollen. At first Gretchen was the only one I found despite calling but when I came back to the house later Ben was there.

I think I’ll focus a lot of energy working around the house to make things look nice for Cherie. I’ll mow the weeds we call a lawn after pulling the big ones and fix things up in her flower beds. Hope that helps put a smile on her face. It needs doing badly anyway as I’ve neglected that as I struggle to prepare beds and plant seeds. Can’t do it all but sure wish I could.

I could rule the world, with the right equipment

7/8/10 Thursday
Spent three hours meeting with USDA folks. Discussed what we would like to do versus what we are able to do. These are the guys who have their fingers on all the programs the government offers to help people like us. At the end there was nothing there. The advice I got was to keep on doing what I’ve been doing. That and to make friends locally. We would love to make friends locally, tried with no success. There’s all kinds of beginning farmer programs but we don’t seem to qualify, despite being beginning farmers. Lots of the programs require matching funds and previous experience. We don’t have any funds to match and no agricultural experience. So help is out there but we can’t seem to get any. Did I just miss what was being said? Or did I simply not understand it?


Been beating my head against the wall for five years now. No wonder depression is something I must fight all the time. I was asked about my physical ability to do things, it was a “what makes you think you can handle more if you’re working at your limit now” kind of question. I explained that what I do now was physical labor with few tools and that if I had the right equipment my capabilities would be expanded a hundredfold. We talked of the dream I have for the place and all agreed that it was a very possible and doable vision, wonderful was a word used. We discussed basic things like raising goats for milk, growing alfalfa, drip irrigation, water quality issues, even putting in an RV park campground. But when I said “All these things are good, but what I need is the resources to accomplish them. How can I get the resources?”. There seemed to be no answer to that. There are millions of dollars worth of resources out there but obtaining them is tough. Everyone agreed there was great opportunity sitting on our seventy five acres but no one presented a clear plan on how to tap into it. Wine grapes is a great option but it costs eleven thousand dollars an acre to develop and then it takes years before you begin to see a return on that investment. That’s just like putting in an apple orchard. You must invest in the trees and then wait five years before the investment begins to produce. “What can I do next year?” I asked several times, but got no answer. I can grow alfalfa but have no equipment and need to install irrigation.

Cherie’s frustration was evident on her face when we left. She said “I wasted half a day so I’m going back to work”. I felt really bad. She took off of work to be there by my side, to help me keep up with what was going on. It’s not done, I need to come up with a plan but it’s clear we need to find others who can partner with us. I had planned on that anyway but it’s been made more evident.

I fixed a pot of coffee. We had a hard rain while this was going on but now the sun has come out. That means it will be a muggy day. The humidity was 93% this morning. Have to fight off the depression that wants to overwhelm me. This whole thing was a disappointment. But can’t quit, that’s not in me. I have a dream damn it and it’s a good one. So I’ll keep pushing on no matter what others think. If nothing else I’ll grow some vegetables.
This seeder didn't come with the different templates designed for a variety of seed types, but I do the best I can with what I've got.

Yesterday I remembered the seeder I had bought at an estate sale a year or so ago and dug it out. Had to put tape on the holes and cut it out to make them the right size for blackeyed peas in order to make it work. It still puts two or three peas in a hole sometimes but I can do in sixty seconds what it took twenty minutes to do before. I’ll just weed out the extra plants later. It’s a simple hand pushed seeder but that illustrates the difference the right piece of equipment makes. Sixty seconds versus twenty minutes. I could rule the world with the right equipment, or at least do some serious farming.
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Here's a picture of a barn swallow that built it's nest on the light in our veranda just outside the kitchen door.

Listening to a Bible study on GLC. It’s on the story of Daniel in the lions den where the king, Nebuchadnezzar, was talked into making a law that demanded death for anyone worshipping a god other than the ones of Persia. Because Daniel was caught worshipping the God of Israel the king was forced to enforce his own law. We all know how the story goes, that God prevented the lions from harming Daniel despite being in the lions den overnight. As I listen to this I realize that I shouldn’t be so demoralized by our meeting with the USDA guys today. If my vision for this farm is something God wants, it will happen no matter how many obstacles are in the way. If it’s not then I don’t want it to happen anyway. What I also know is that anything that God wants the devil will do his best to block and destroy.

This is the spiritual battle that goes on constantly, the battle of good against evil. For those who don’t have the belief in God we do, this is a laughable or even ludicrous concept. I’ve read many comments on a wide variety of news stories online where people are eager to express their disdain, or worse, of Christianity in any form. I understand this well, and at one time shared in that disbelief. I also understand well the history of the Christian church and what has been done in the name of religion over the centuries. But I know that true Christianity is about love, not the emotional type of feeling many call love but to choose for the highest good of others even at personal loss. It’s humbling yourself and swallowing pride. It’s turning the other cheek. When those who call themselves Christian act otherwise those who look for reasons to despise God are quick to latch onto it. We all mess up, no matter how good you are. I know I do all the time. That’s where forgiveness comes in and is so important.

We had a big blast of rain that blew through about an hour ago. It poured down pretty heavily. All of my rain barrels have been full for some time now. Too bad I don’t have more. Would love to build a cistern to catch the rain with. Have plans from the internet on how to construct one. It’s pretty muddy so I’m wondering if the seeder will work well. Don’t know but plan on going out and finding out now. If it doesn’t there’s plenty of other things to do and I have only two hours of daylight left so time’s awastin.

Bustin butt

It’s 5:24 now. I’ve been bustin butt out there but don’t seem to have gotten much done. Had to come in to let the pain settle down some. There’s a thunderstorm brewing to the south and when it got close it brought a nice cool breeze that was welcome for sure. I needed to go to Midland and buy a new ink cartridge for the printer but called Cherie and asked her to do it for me.



Here’s a picture of a phenomenon we’ve seen before out here. I walked out and saw tens of thousands of these winged ants covering the ground like a moving carpet. Plus they are flying all over this area and thus land on me and bump into my face as I walk by. I don’t know what the story is regarding these critters but now that I know Burr Williams of the Sibley Center I’m sure I can find out. The winged ants seem to be fighting or perhaps having sex. I don’t know but they gather in clumps wrestling and clinging to each other in piles. Burr said they are harvester ants and this is a mating swarm that happens after rain

I got the tractor out and carefully drove it over the rows I plowed yesterday. This compressed the dirt and helped make firm pathways between the rows. This will make things easier later when I must work on the rows weeding and picking what I grow. Yesterday it took almost two hours for me to use a hoe to level the plowed hill, make a furrow, plant seeds, then cover and tamp them down. Two hours for one row. I’ve got almost fifty rows to do so that’s not acceptable.

Today I fired up the Cub Cadet tiller we were blessed with and used it. Much better. Instead of making the traditional hill (Or whatever it’s called. The word escapes me at the moment) I’ve decided to plant on lower surfaces. I’ve been learning how to grow for five years now and fighting this memory issue in doing so. Each year I repeat mistakes I made the year before and did that again this year. Everything I planted this spring I did on mounded rows only to have the wind blow it all away. So this time nothing is raised. Eventually I’ll get railroad ties and telephone poles and create raised beds with them blocking the wind and providing some protection for the plants.

I got the wheelbarrow and a shovel and went to a pile of manure I got from the old man before he was told that I was taking advantage of him. It’s a shame that someone felt it was important for them to cause trouble and cause this division. Now I can’t even get manure from the old man. I suppose that even that could be interpreted as my taking advantage of him. I had to chop down the weeds growing on it first and then filled up the wheelbarrow. The thought was to distribute this on the rows I’m planting, thus enhance the quality of the soil. It didn’t take long for me to decide this won’t work. A full wheelbarrow load only lasted for one third of the row and shoveling it by hand was a lot of painful work. Too bad the Massey Fergusson broke down because with it’s front end loader I could easily move a lot of the composted manure in a timely manner. Eventually I’ll obtain the equipment that will help me do the work that needs doing. Till then I’ll have to skip work like this. It’s more important for me to get seeds planted. They won’t grow as well as they would with the compost but they’ll grow. So it’s a good idea that I don’t have the ability to pursue. I have lots of those.

I’m tired but there’s work to do. There is a bible study at the halfway house tonight that I wanted to attend but won’t. Rain is forecast for tomorrow and there is too much seed that needs to get in the ground. I’ll be working out there till it gets dark again, like I do most every day. I’ve rested and the pain pill is working as good as it’s going to. Cherie is fixing something for dinner so as soon as I eat I’m heading back out again.

Called me a "small minded man"

7/7/10 Wednesday
It’s another day. As is true with every day there is more stuff to do than one person can accomplish. When Sam was here working for me I would express my frustration about not getting things done that needed doing. His reply was invariably “it’s just you, your only one man”. There is so much I want to do, so much that can be accomplished, but he’s right. Currently it’s a one man show and there’s only so much one man can get done. Add to that the levels of pain, slow downs, and other things that demand my time, it’s an uphill battle wading through waist deep sand. But I’ll keep going, because that’s what I do. I know that in time all of the hard work and effort will pay off. I have a clear vision of where I want to go and a vague idea of how to get there, so God willing it will happen. I think it’s time to start looking for business partners, others who can share my vision and understand the real possibilities for this farm. A few months back, in an unrelated incident, someone called me a “Small minded man”. That person is a scam artist and this was his response to me trying to prevent a friend from getting involved with a criminal scheme, but his greed overcame any sense of caution so I gave up.

But the point here is that I am far from being a small minded man. Fifteen years ago my net worth was well over a million dollars. Oh I couldn’t have gotten a hold of a million dollars cash if I wanted to but my marketing company was billing fifteen to twenty thousand dollars a week and had according to the Ohio Bureau of Unemployment records I had 127 employees that year. Plus I had the liquidation company that maintained 80,000 square feet of warehouse at it’s height and would employ up to twenty five or thirty people depending on what was going on. As a marketing consultant I helped others start or revitalize their companies in addition to the work I did for many larger corporations.
A man reaps what he sows. I'm working hard to sow good seeds

So “What happened?” many would ask. Sin happened and I paid a dear price for it. Actually I paid a lot of prices for it many times but it all culminated in my losing everything, including my life and mind. I went from being on top of the world to wandering homeless with the severe traumatic brain injury. I could barely hold a conversation and even walking was difficult due to the right side being paralyzed.

But God is merciful and has restored my life, my wife, and my mind. I still have difficulties to overcome but I am a fighter and every year the healing progresses. I bring this up as a sort of resume, to explain that I know business and am not a delusional dreamer with no hope of achieving my goals. I am a miracle, an example of God’s mercy and grace, and of His love despite my turning my back on Him. You watch and see what God has in mind, what God can and is doing. We will build a place that blesses many, that will be a venue that shows the power of God to change lives.


I had posted an outline of what we plan on doing a few months back and one of the locals commented it was “goofy”. There is a seed of bitterness that has been planted here. A seed that has grown, as they always do when watered and fertilized by gossip, so that this weed of poor opinion and judgment spreads it’s tentacles among those who have not talked with me, (not serious conversation beyond “How’s the weather” level) some have never met me. This is the devils work and the sad part is that these are often good church people who don’t comprehend the evil they are partaking of. So what do you say? Not much if they won’t talk to you, but I pray for them and pray that God will heal this and that they will learn what the Love of Jesus really is about. It’s about sacrifice, it’s about turning the other cheek, it’s about talking to and forgiving those who despitefully use you. Jesus made it clear in Mathew 22 when He said 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' 38 "This is the great and foremost commandment. 39 "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' 40 "On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." In John 13:35 Jesus said "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

So Love is the signature of Christianity, the light so to speak that shines in the darkness to show the world that God is and that God cares. It was this love we sought when we came here, knowing at the time that with my brain injury I was prone to say and do things that were offensive. I’m sure I still do that but not nearly as much as before. It’s taken a while but my brain constantly repairs and rewires itself and I continue to learn social skills. We found that love and fellowship in Midland, where we were graciously accepted with open arms despite my issues. My concern is to heal the wounds I may have created, and to help others walk in the Love of Christ. As a former pastor this is a deep concern for it is my desire to have all who wear the name of Christ walk in a way that honors that. I’m sure that some will be upset that I even expose any wrongdoings but isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? Are we not to expose all works of darkness to the light of Christ.

Ephesians 5:8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord ; walk as children of Light 9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth ), 10 trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

If what you do embarrasses you and if there is a desire to scurry and hide in the darkness, shouldn’t that be enough to make you realize there is something wrong here that needs to be corrected? The words of Jesus, (right after the well known 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.) John 3:20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21 "But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." I try to live a life in which there is no shame, one open for the world to see. One that God, who sees all things and even knows the deep thoughts of your heart this very second as you read this, will approve of.

Galatians 6.1 “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness ; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” If I was wrong, and odds are I have been, then others should have, and still need to, come to me, talk with me, and help me correct the wrong I’ve done.

Anyway, I’ve gotten off track again. I know that great things will happen when people come together in one accord, with a singleness of mind to do good. This is my desire and I believe it’s God’s desire too. I also know there is an enemy out there who’s desire is to divide and destroy, and who finds far to many willing tools to accomplish this. Galatians 5:14 "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." 15 But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. 16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

There’s work to do and time’s a wastin. I guess you can tell by now that I was a pastor. I want to end this with some scriptures, with the hope that some will read them and act accordingly. My words can be empty and vain but there’s little room for arguing with the words found in the bible, though I am sure many will anyway.

Ephesians 4:1 Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, 3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace….

14 As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming ; 15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love…..
(Click to enlarge)

29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children ; 2 and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

Nuff said.

I'm a welder now, sort of

7/3/10 Saturday
It’s a Sabbath day, from the Jewish Hebrew roots perspective. We struggle with the many conflicting teachings we hear on that subject. It’s an old conflict dating back to the early church days and Paul spent much of his time writing on that. I read and study but am still not clear where to stand regarding keeping the Sabbath, how to do it, when to do it, do we have to do it? What I know is that it’s one of the ten commandments and I’m certain the rest still apply, I mean there’s no question about thou shalt not murder, steal, commit adultery, or any of the other ones. And keeping the Sabbath holy is listed right in there with them. Jesus had lots to say about that and one time he told the Pharisees something about how they would pull their cow or donkey out of a ditch on the Sabbath and consider it ok, to make a point about their being so picky about things. So I read Galatians this morning and discussed what it said with Cherie as part of our morning scripture and prayer. It’s supposed to be a day of rest dedicated to the Lord, but that’s hard for us both. For Cherie the weekends are the days she doesn’t have to work her regular job and is thus able to catch up with stuff around the house. For me there’s always stuff I need to do and I’m always behind. My conclusion, at the moment, is that we are under grace and no longer subject to the Law from the Jewish standpoint. I think we can still keep the day holy to the Lord and get some work done. I think we should strive to make every day holy.

I finally got the welder out of it’s box and used it. Can’t remember when I bought it but it was a few months back when we had some money to spare for that kind of thing. The hoe finally bit the dust. It’s the third hoe I’ve gone through and held up pretty good to some seriously hard work. Cutting down some of those weeds is like cutting down small trees. The steel of the blade snapped across about a four inch area. I got the welder out of the box and of course “Some assembly required” is almost an understatement. It’s a cheap welder that only uses welding rods that are 1/16 of an inch thick, or perhaps thin would be more accurate. It can be wired for either 110 or 220 volts but we never hooked up the extra wire I ran for 220 so I set up of at the 110 level. At 220 I can use a thicker welding rod. It took me a few tries to get it right but I successfully welded my hoe back together. While at it I ran a bead across the edge with the idea that this would provide some harder steel that would hold an edge better. Seems to work but the file no longer will sharpen the edge because it’s harder that the file is now so I use the grinder to sharpen it.

The miscreants didn’t come home till noon today. Sure wish they would stay home at night and not go wandering but that’s the way it is. They were pretty muddy from their adventures but that’s nothing new. Ben was sure glad to get his pets when he saw me.

I’m going to plant some more seeds today. We planted a bunch of sunflower seeds and I figured out I over ordered them. Planted the whole ridge and didn’t use half of one of the two bags I have so we’re going to have a bunch of sunflowers when it’s all said and done.

Money is going to be exceptionally tight this month. I paid out what we had in the farm account for labor and will have to get some money from Cherie to put gas in my truck. No more eating out for a while now. We got dog food and Cherie is buying essential foods today so that’s covered. I need to buy a new wallet to replace the one I lost but that will have to wait too.

Getting a replacement drivers license was an additional expense this week. We took my birth certificate and my DD214 military discharge papers to Social Security to get a new Social Security card and they told me that wasn’t acceptable. “What!” I more or less exclaimed. The lady told me that they would accept a current medical bill or something like that as proof I’m an American but not my birth certificate. So if I was an illegal alien I could walk in with a medical bill and get a social security ID card? This doesn’t make any sense to me at all. It seems that anyone can go to a hospital and get a bill but I know that getting a copy of my birth certificate isn’t that easy. There’s something wrong with the system, something is amiss here.

Lost my wallet, plowed it under

Somewhere out there is my wallet. (and this is just a small part of what I tilled under)

7/1/10 Thursday (and Friday)
It’s been another wet day. Sure nice to have some rain and it gives me some hope that some seed I plant will come up. Sam has worked for me for three days and that helped to catch up with the weeds some. I fired the tractor up and spent a few hours pulling the disc over areas that needed it. Unfortunately my wallet worked it’s way out of the back pocket of my jeans and fell out while I was doing that. We carefully walked every inch of where I disced up the soil but there was no sign of it. It’s buried somewhere out there and odds are it’ll show up. Might be a couple of years from now but the wind will blow and, behold, there’s my wallet.

Meantime I must apply for a new driver’s license, social security card, VA Id card, and get new bank cards ordered. There are phone numbers and business cards in the wallet that I can’t replace but that’s not the end of the world, just a big inconvenience. I don’t think there was very much money in it cause we don’t have much money at the moment. Today was Sam’s last day of working. He so wants to keep working and I so need the help. He knows that when we are blessed with more funds we’ll have him come back. Till then it’s just me again.
Just some of the piles of weeds we hoed up. There's about 20 more like this

7/2/10 Friday
It’s hard not to get depressed when I work on the farm. It just slaps me in the face, all the things I haven’t kept up with and understanding that I can’t keep up with it all by myself. Plus there’s the fact that I really don’t know what I’m doing. I know a lot more than I did five years ago, when we moved here, but there is so much more I need to learn. It would be nice to have a friend who understood what it takes to grow farmer’s market type crops and could give me advice. I’ve met people who do but they have busy lives and one of my big weaknesses is that lack of social skills, an inability to develop close relationships with others that has plagued me my whole life. I’m guessing that’s a reason. Don’t really know for sure. What I know is this lack of closeness that exists for me here. A big part of that is probably due to the depression I must always fight. In Toledo I had two close friends, my secretary and Bernie, the glass artist, they are both dead now. I have other friends up there but not close ones.


Today I’ll work outside when it’s not raining. It’s raining this morning and the weather forecast says I can expect it to continue off and on all day, plus tomorrow too. This is rain from the hurricane that has made it’s way up here. Sam got all the weeds chopped down from one garden plot. That took two straight days of work to do. There is still one more area that needs to be cleared. We’ve been hoeing down the weeds and raking them up in piles that I will allow to dry and burn. The idea is to capture as many of the sticker seeds as possible so they don’t grow more sticker grass but that’s a lost cause now. The sticker grass has matured to the point that the seeds/stickers fall off the plants as we rake it up and cover the ground. If I’d gotten to this earlier it would have beaten the making seeds cycle, but that’s just another thing I haven’t kept up with. So at this point it’s a lost cause. I’m not physically able to hoe this all down by myself so I’ll till it under with the tractor despite the fact that in doing so I’m essentially planting weed seeds.
Squash bugs. Because they are still white and haven't developed their black and red skin I can tell they are young, thus susceptible to pesticides. Hate to use pesticides but these critters will quickly destroy what little managed to grow. So I'll compromise my morals in this instance.

I discovered that the squash bugs are back. They have infested the spaghetti squash pretty badly. I’ll look in the fridge that is in the garage, where I store seeds and chemicals, to see if I have anything to kill them with. That fridge no longer cools but I keep it plugged in and running anyway, hoping it at least keeps things from getting real hot inside. The idea is to keep seeds and things from going bad. It was free from the widow because it didn’t work for her so I brought it here to use as a worm bin, but when I plugged it in it worked. It might just need a recharge of Freon or something but we don’t have the money for that right now.

Time to get to work. Hopefully I’ll get lots of seeds planted. Don’t have a lot of confidence in that. Don’t have a lot of confidence in much of anything right now. I’ll try my best and see what happens. Part of today will be spent applying for replacement driver’s license and other things lost with my wallet. At some point I might run the disc over areas I disced yesterday with the hope it might bring the wallet to the surface. That’s a lot of area as I spent about three hours doing it.
This is the area that I'll just disc under. You can't see it but it has carefully plowed furrows with drip irrigation tape installed. I'll pull of the tape and start over.
Went out and took these pictures. It started raining again. The soil is too wet to run the disc over again so that idea is out, the one about running the disc to see if it brings my wallet to the surface.

Posted a picture on Burr’s Sibley Nature Center site of a plant that was mixed in with the weeds I pulled. Come to find out it’s called “devils claw” that has a wicked looking seed pod I’ve seen in various places. Burr put a link to a photo essay they have at Sibley’s website on it. Cool plant that has many uses from food to basket weaving material. Hard to believe this delicate looking flower can produce such a nasty looking seed pod. Don’t have time to look up a picture of the seed pod but it has wicked long curved hooks on it designed to catch a ride on passing BIG critters.

Cherie’s got some nice clothes out for me to wear when we go to town to start replacing lost wallet stuff. She’s going to drive cause I don’t have a license with me. Normally I wear whatever nasty clothing I’ve been working in because I’m not terribly worried about how I look to others and don’t feel like changing clothes every time I go somewhere. I’m sure that just gives the gossips something to talk about.


We use this area of the driveway as our rain gauge.