Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Wound is still fresh

This morning's sunrise

10/5/10 Tuesday
It’s wonderfully cool these mornings, and nights. Makes for great sleeping and a lessened desire to get out of the bed when we wake up. The appointment with the vet for Midnight has been moved to next week so I don’t have to worry about that today. Frees up more time to work around here. Yesterday I was fighting off slowdowns for much of the day. Didn’t have any real bad ones but was always on the edge of one with ringing ears and a slowed ability to process information.

At some point I want to get moving again on the business plan. Like so many things in my life it’s been put on a back burner and forgotten about. I keep intending to get to it and keep not doing so. It’s so hard for me to stay focused on anything and thus so much never happens. How I can use some help just planning stuff and staying on task till it gets done, but it’s not there. I work hard and stay busy but don’t do what I need to. We prayed again for God to bring someone in our life who can help me put this dream together. It will happen despite the work of the enemy to disrupt any relationship we develop. That gets frustrating for sure and it’s happened so much we are gun shy. Janie accused us of causing that, said “no wonder no one likes you” once. Gee lady, I’ve got a brain injury and social skills is an area hit hard so where’s that love of Jesus thing you talk about but only practice when it’s convenient? You know, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous ; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly ; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth ; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13) I get so tired of hypocrites but still reach out to them with hope.

Ok, enough of that. The hurt runs deep and the wound is still fresh. I try to get over it and try to forgive but it doesn’t simply go away, and probably won’t as long as they refuse to talk or respond in any way. I continue to pray for them. Cherie said I was a better person than she was because of that.

There’s work to do, always, so that’s all I’m going to write.

11:30 – Came in for a break. It’s another struggle day but I claim victory over it. Writing often tells me how well this brain is working, just as having a conversation does. I’m pretty slow now. Putting these sentences together is hard. The TV is on to GLC and there’s a guy teaching out of Timothy. I can’t think with that, unable to focus, so I turned it off. Fixed a sandwich and took my second pain pill for the day. There’s too much to do to lay here, no matter how bad it is. I’m hoeing weeds and fortunately that doesn’t require much thought. Simple tasks when I am simple. Wonder how long this will last.

1:00 – Went out to take pictures of what I was working on. It’s a hard slow down. The right leg isn’t working well at all so walking is difficult. This is really bringing out the paralysis. On the bob scale my brain is operating at a three, real bad. Taking pictures required concentration. Would forget why I was out there several times. If the camera wasn’t in my hands I might not have figured it out. Haven’t had it this bad in a long time. Was going to town but won’t drive when this bad. I’ll keep plugging away at work as long as I can. Refuse to give up. This sucks but I will overcome. I will win, I will not accept defeat. Want to cuss but won’t. I am blessed. My life is a gift. I will rejoice and be glad in defiance of these circumstances. Though friends turn their back on me I will still love them. Will fight the confusion that tries to defeat me. God is my God and He is greater than all that comes against me. I am tired but won’t quit. Time to get up and to work.

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