Great internal conflict

11/10/10 Wednesday
This is a morning of great internal conflict. So many questions once again rise up, and with them a repeat of doubts I wrestle with. There is so much I see that bothers me, people who talk out of one side of their mouth about God and being Christian, yet with the other side deny that belief with both their words and their life. Is everyone a liar? Do all just pretend to believe with the false hope that pretending some how will buy their ticket to heaven? Don’t get me wrong, there are those I’ve met who are true to what they say they believe, but they are a precious few in the midst of all the masses and shine like jewels in a sea o mud. It’s such a paradox, how so many in Islam are out there willing to die for their belief, and do so, yet so many who wear the label of Christian are unwilling to surrender the smallest of luxury or put themselves out in anyway for Christ. Anytime being a Christian is inconvenient they choose convenience.

ABC news ran a story yesterday regarding the growing number of those in the ministry who no longer believe. They interviewed some of them with their face and voice disguised in order to protect their identity. I was already aware of a study that showed ten percent of those surveyed had lost their faith. These are all people still active in the ministry, pastors and priests, but despite the fact they no longer believe in God they still remain in the ministry, essentially living a lie. Why do they do this? It’s their source of income and to quote one of the ones interviewed on ABC “I have no other marketable skills” so he didn’t know how to do much else.

One of the guys interviewed is a Southern Baptist preacher and he told the interviewer that even his wife did not know he had lost his faith. Wow! What a lie he is living, not even confiding in his wife. The source of his unbelief comes from the bible, which is actually the source of my belief. His doubts come from things like the story of Noah’s ark and the flood and some other seeming contradictory things he found. I’ve wrestled with many of these things as well, but in the end what I see is the truth of what the bible says about the future, which is happening today, even as I write this. Here’s my opinion. Anything that the hand of man touches is prone to corruption and such is true of what we call the bible today. Throughout the centuries there have been many who have sought to put their thoughts and influence into the bible and how we believe. Some have succeeded to one degree or another and many have failed. So is the bible the “Perfect Word of God” as some say, in the sense that every word came out of the mouth of God? Not quite. Again, this is my opinion. (I already know that this statement will cause some to rise up in arms, mortified that I would say such a thing and calling me a heretic) The bible was written by many men over the course of thousands of years and in many cases is clearly influenced by the culture and beliefs of the day that a particular person wrote. Case in point is when Paul said in 1 Timothy 2:12 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” He went on to explain that it was Eve who was first deceived in the garden of Eden to justify this. Fact is there were powerful women on the old testament who were clearly used of God and placed by Him in positions of authority, and in fact were prophets.

I choose to believe. Choose it despite all the doubts thrown in my direction, because I’ve seen and experienced the truth of the power of God in my life and the life of others I’ve known. I choose to not let the hypocrisy of those who deny their faith by the life they live cause me to waver. For to allow that means I become like they are, and that is unacceptable to me. I will not become what I despise in others. I will be true to what I believe and always have been. If you go back and read this blog, that goes back to 2005, you will find that honesty I hold so dear. I refused to represent what I didn’t have faith in, and in the early years, after I woke from the coma, I doubted the existence of God and didn’t hide the fact. So unlike some in the ministry, who have over the years lost their faith and in the process become increasing liars both to themselves and those around, I have come to know God is and that He is active in our life and a rewarder of those who love Him.

One of the hypocrites called me a prophet as we tried to work through problems that arose when he didn’t practice what he professed, when it became evident that his words were empty. I found that strange and told him “I’m no prophet. I don’t hear God’s voice like the prophets did”. His reply was that I wrote like a prophet. I don’t know about that, I just know what I see, and know the results of the directions some choose to go. It will be sad to watch because they choose not to listen to truths they don’t want to hear or acknowledge.

I’m watering and fertilizing the corn this morning. Plan on making some hot sauce with our real hot peppers and tomatoes. Will certainly wear gloves this time. There are bible studies I need to write and work to do on the farm, another conflict. What to do? What to make important? If I neglect the farm weeds grow and plants die, but it I neglect the studies and writing there are lives I fail to touch. In a way they are the same for with the lives I sow, plant, water, and fertilize truths in the soil of their heart, and if I fail weeds of doubt and temptation grow and choke out the words I sowed in the soil of their heart.

It is time for me to get out and sow more. Time for me to offer myself up, to tell of what God has done in our life, to speak of His love and mercy. Let me know if you’d like me to speak at your church or group.