They Google, makes stuff so difficult for someone my age who has short term memory loss. Passwords seem to disappear and have to be redone.
Friday, February 03, 2023
Monday, December 12, 2022
Hi friends Its been a long while since I posted here. Lost passwords again and have been lost doing life on this farm. So much has happened in the 21 years since I woke from the coma. Much of this blog is a journal that will help me remember. I pray I will get better at this. Doing facebook kind of replaced it.
Sunday, November 29, 2020
Testing
There are times I get quite lost on this internet stuff. Lost access to this blog I created years ago and am trying to get that restored. There has been interest in helping me write a book or 2 about the miracle my life has become. The record recorded here would be useful for someone wishing to learn what I have experienced. All the rules have been changed on how to do things with this blog. So I have to learn all over again
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Well I hope I am back on this blog. Been a real pain to wade through the changes made by google and just to figure out how to access the site. Lots of changes have been made by google on how to do things so I have to learn things all over. Wonder about the other blogs I used to have. Are they still there? What will it take to access them? Will I have the self discipline to follow through and to once again become a regular contributor to my own blog? Only time will tell.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Memories from music
Saw
a link on Facebook to a Metallica song. It had been a long time since I heard
it so I clicked on the link. It opened a door. A door to memories long hidden
and put away, memories of a life long gone, a life left behind, a life I have
no interest in living again, but I am living it in the memories. The sound of
the bike, the feel of the wind, bars, fights, guns, knives, blood, drinking
till I could not stand, trying to find a vein with a needle but they are all
used up, fear, anger, hate, what I thought was love, prisons, so many prisons.
How grateful I am to be alive. How grateful I am for God’s mercies. How
grateful I am to be free. How grateful I am to be reborn, to leave the past
behind but have it as a tool to help others find freedom, to be able to relate,
to understand. Not much I haven’t seen or done but who I was is not who I am
and I am grateful for that. Forgetting what lies behind I press on for the goal
ahead, to the life God has in store, the eternal future. Thank you Lord.
It’s
amazing what a song can do. There is great power in music. As I worked to
recover after the coma, as I wandered lost with amnesia trying to remember who
I was the occasional song I heard on TV, in a bar, or wherever I was, would
sometimes flood my mind with memories. This is a valuable tool for those with Alzheimer’s
to help them find themselves for a few moments. Just thought I’d post these
ramblings as I prepare to write in the book that is long overdue, the book that
will never reveal all of who I was but will give some tantalizing glimpses. The
song Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits just came on my headphones. Memories of
wars, of those who had your back in the midst of death, of a trust deeper than
family. Gotta go.
I pray for God to use me, to use my life, my experience to bring life to others.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Why did Jesus die?
Good
morning friends. I am blessed to have 2 days off and nothing scheduled for Saturday.
Lord help me get things done and help me understand what is important for you
and what is not, to prioritize my days. There is always so much that needs
doing. One of the problems I struggle with from the brain injury is the ability
to prioritize and keep on task. A moment’s distraction and all plans are
forgotten as I focus on whatever distracted me. I hope to visit Geneva and help
her exercise and learn to walk. I hope and need to visit the jail. Haven’t been
there in a week. There may be new people to tell of God’s love and some of
those I’ve been ministering and teaching may now be gone, but if not they have
been hungry to learn more of God. I give all these men my phone number but it
is rare when any call me.
One
of the things God has laid on my heart is to write down how I have learned to
explain God’s plan of salvation and share it with you. I didn’t grow up in
church, in fact God wasn’t mentioned at home. I was sent to a camp thing and on
Sunday they asked “Are you protestant or Catholic?”. I didn’t have a clue what
those words meant, it was like a foreign language to me. They sent me I think
with the catholic group and I watched totally confused all kinds of rituals
that didn’t make sense. When I was sent to prison in 1975, a 19 year old kid
who had been ushered out of the military after Vietnam, I watched as others,
who were also arriving in prison for the first time, ran to church in fear. I
wondered about this God stuff. What if there was a God? Well, if there is a God
it would be wise to find out so after a year in prison I decided to see what
this was about.
Much
of the Christian faith didn’t make any sense to me. Why would God send His Son
to die a horrible death? Why would God have a Son? Why is there a hell? What
kind of God puts people in hell? I had people try to explain it and do the
whole Romans road thing but it didn’t click until it was said in a way I could
comprehend.
Imagine
a clean white sheet, perfect, pure, not a spot or even a wrinkle on it. This is
a picture of who God is. In the garden of Eden God would come down and walk and
talk with Adam and Eve every day. It was like “Hey guys! What’s up? You want to
name some more animals today?” During this time of creation God said “You can
do anything you want, anything except one thing. The only rule is you cannot
eat of that tree I put in the middle of the garden. If you do that then you
will die”. Now I’m in prison. I understand well that if you break the law there
is a penalty. So far this is making sense but why death for eating fruit? Isn’t
that a little harsh?
The
guy reminded me of the clean white sheet that symbolized God. He said “You can’t
take mud and throw it on the sheet. The second you do it is no longer pure.” I
understood that I was far from being clean, it was clear to me that I was in no
way pure. When Adam and Eve purposely chose to do what they knew was wrong they
became tainted. Death is the separation from Life. God is Life and the source
of all life. With their sin (there is that word people don’t like) they had to
be removed from the garden of Eden and the presence of God. But even then God
provided for them. They didn’t drop dead but they no longer enjoyed that
personal face to face relationship with God.
So
far I am following what was being said. But what about this thing about God’s
Son coming to earth to die such a horrible death? Why would Jesus leave heaven,
where He was making worlds with just His words, and be born here on earth as a
human baby, having to have His diapers changed, learn to talk, and walk, and
grow up like the rest of us and…die?
“Imagine”
the man said, “That when that judge slammed his gavel on his bench and said “I
sentence you to ten years in prison” someone said “Judge, I love this man so
much I would like to do his time for him, go to prison and pay the penalty for
what he did”. “Wouldn’t that be great?”. That is what Jesus did for you and for
the whole world. Instead of you dying He died. Because God loves you so much He
gave His only son, and His son loves you so much He came down and died, so that
you and I can be washed clean, made pure, and thus have that fellowship with
God.
The
only requirement is that we truly believe. Believe not only that Jesus died for
our sins but that He is God’s son and thus God. Believe to the point we choose
to bow down and make Him Lord and accept His love for us. It is a total
surrender folks, a “I’m not in charge anymore but will let God be in charge”
decision. You can’t keep purposely, intentionally, continually, doing what you
absolutely know is wrong without even trying to stop, for to do so is to spit
in the face of God and trample under your feet the blood Jesus shed. That’s not
how it works.
Today’s
scripture is John 3
16 For God so loved
the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him
should not perish but have everlasting life.
17 For God did not
send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through
Him might be saved.
18 He who believes in
Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because
he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19 And this is the
condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness
rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
20 For everyone
practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds
should be exposed.
21 But he who does the
truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have
been done in God."
Friday, March 18, 2016
Lost access to this blog
It took forever to learn how to access this blog because Google tied things up when the consolidated everything we had together. Lord willing I'll be able to renew my posting. Life has been difficult but that is nothing new. Lots of frustration. People can be a pain and I continue to not understand why they act the way they do. That is especially true for the ones who say they are Christians but don't do what Christ said to do. I have a day off mowing lawns and hope to catch up on stuff. Pray for us please.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Finally. Will I get back on track?
1/3/15
Saturday
First journal entry for the year. We
have had a 4 day long streak of ice and freezing that this area is certainly
not used to. We are grateful to God that we have been blessed with plenty of
firewood this year, through part time work with a tree trimmer. Kept a fire
going for 4 days as that is our source of heat other than a small space heater
in the bedroom. While many in the area have lost power due to the ice buildup
on power lines and breaking tree branches we have been fortunate out here in
the country to have not lost power. Losing power happens out here often and I
was blessed to be able to purchase a generator about a year ago so we are
prepared for that.
Every time I write in this journal I
talk about how I don’t write in the journal. LOL. Not really funny. It’s an
indication of my lack of self-discipline or perhaps a sign that I stay
distracted. I don’t know but I need to get better as this is my memory also, a
record of what happens I can go back to. And there has been much that has
happened. It has been a busy and eventful year.
1/23/15
Friday
How frustrating it is to always see
what I haven’t completed. Started the entry for this journal you can see above
twenty days ago and never finished. Did I get distracted? Did something come
up? I don’t know, but I know this is sadly typical. I know they taught me that
this is a common issue for those with traumatic brain injuries at the Brain
Injury Institute in St. Louise but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Then
it almost seems like I say this as an excuse, a justification for me not
accomplishing what I set out to do. What do others think of me when they see
how little I do? I’ve had folks come to the farm and watched as they were
dismayed at the messes, at all the piles of things started and not finished. I
know it frustrates my wife greatly but she doesn’t say anything. My joke about
it, that I am the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you will
ever meet. Which one depends on the moment you meet me, isn’t really funny. Not
when it’s a reality you live and can’t seem to do much about. I’ve accomplished
much in the past despite the TBI but I always had help. They call TBI
(Traumatic Brain Injury) the unseen illness because there are no outward visible
evidences of it. Folks talk with me and can tell I’m no dummy so they can’t
comprehend why I don’t follow through. How can I explain it? How can I help
folks understand without getting all this “Oh, you poor man, I feel sorry for
you” crap I hate. There are some I work with who are always trying to protect
me from the pain I live with. While I appreciate the consideration I don’t like
being coddled. This “Why don’t you go pick up the twigs while we pick up the
heavy limbs” makes me feel like I’m some kind of child who is not up to doing
men’s work. So what do I want? I work to overcome difficulties, to get things
done despite them, so trust me to say “I can’t handle that” when I know it’s more
than I can do and let me carry my fair share of the work.
I can do great things, with a little
help. My issue is staying on task, not getting distracted, and being able to
make the judgment call of what is important to do first. Our brains are
incredibly complex, with many parts needing to cooperate with other parts to
make good decisions. I’ve been around many people who have survived serious
brain injuries, and no two of them are the same in the problems they must overcome.
There is often a disconnect with some realities and it is difficult to help
some see where their thinking is wrong. I’m betting I am the same way. I’ve
seen some who are fixed on their concept, so assured they are right that any
attempt to correct an error is seen as a great affront. There is a stubbornness
that is hard to overcome. However on the other side of that coin are great
ideas that are beyond some people’s ability to accept. A Rabbi once said that
the foundation of every successful man is built with the bricks those who
doubted them threw.
I am sitting here drinking a warm
cup of hot chocolate I made with the remains of this morning’s coffee. When we
woke up the house was once again cold, as it usually is in this weather. I
raked the coals left from the large overnight logs I put on to burn as long as
possible, up and threw on some wood to get a fire going again. I went out and
started Cherie’s car and scraped the ice off the windows so it would be nice
and warm for her when she left for work. I didn’t think to sweep off the 3
inches of snow from the hood and roof so Cherie got a broom and did that. The
roads were nasty and Cherie called to let me know there are all kinds of wrecks
on the interstate so I would not choose that path when I went to work. Then
Butch called to say they would not be doing tree and lawn work today because it
was too much of a mess.
Thus I am able to spend some time writing
this and hopefully some other things I need to write. There is so much. I have
a letter to one of my brothers in Christ I started writing in January of last
year that needs to be finished. Just another example of things I have not
finished. There are bible studies started and not finished and the two books
that are on my heart to write. I wanted to write about our year last year, a
summary of what happened, something I could send out to friends and family with
pictures, but that did not even get started. When I go out and work, whether it
is tree or lawn jobs, or installing the floor for Geneva, by the time I get
home I’m done for. The pain level is often way high and on top of that there is
the fatigue.
This is another part of TBI that is hard for
some to comprehend. It is clearly documented by many studies and recognized by
those who work with TBI survivors, but hard for others to understand. When I
had my three companies I would work seventy to eighty hours a week and still go
to the bars and play. No doubt, looking back now, I was stupid and burning the
candle at both ends, but the point is I had an energy level that no longer
exists now. Sure I’m older now and I know that plays a part but this fatigue is
different. When I first got back with Cherie, three years after waking from the
coma, I would conk out around noon every day. Simply run out of steam and could
fall asleep sitting in a chair. It was necessary for me to take a two or three
hour nap in the middle of every day. This wasn’t a physical tiredness but a
mental one.
Now, fourteen years later, I have much
greater endurance but I still wear out both physically and mentally. I am
jealous of those who can get so much accomplished, who have the energy level I
once had, but that’s just the way it is. This is where God has put me. I pray
for greater energy and wisdom all the time. Pain I just ignore until I can’t.
But I am grateful for the life I have and realize it is only through the mercy
and grace of God that I am able to breath. The difficulties I must overcome are
all the results of the decisions I made earlier, of the sins I pursued. There
is one rule of the universe we can’t avoid, a biblical truth that is
unavoidable, we all reap what we sow.
How grateful I am to have this time to
write. In my imagination I think I can say something important, something that
will help someone improve their life. My hope is that these words are words of
life, that give hope, not taking it away. One of my frustrations is seeing so
much need but finding so little time or resources to help with those needs. I
find myself doing odd jobs to try and pay the bills and at the end of the day
being so worn out that nothing else happens.
But now I have a short window of
opportunity, and what have I done with it so far? It looks like I complained,
just vented my frustrations. Great. So much for saying something important. But
there is still time so here is one of the things that has been on my mind.
In a conversation with a generous friend he
mentioned the difficulty with doing business with friends and people we know
from church. We talked about how folks often avoid this and how it is a
commonly accepted belief that it is not wise to do business or work with family
or those we are close to. I agreed with this man but it got me to thinking.
What does the Bible say about this? I thought there were some proverbs that
addressed the issue of doing business with friends so just went and read the
entire book of proverbs. There was advice regarding guaranteeing or becoming surety
for loans and advice against working with fools, greedy, or dishonest people
but I didn’t find anything about hiring friends or family. Now I read proverbs
quickly and might have missed something but what I did find in proverbs was lots
of wisdom regarding helping others, especially those who are not doing as well
as you are. There were also some very pointed words regarding greed and taking
advantage of others, especially the poor. Also God’s heart is revealed in
Deuteronomy and other parts of Moses’ writings and especially with the words of
Jesus. All through there it is clear we are to help those who are our neighbors
and family in the sense of the family of God, fellow believers. Jesus not only
said to give to anyone who asks of you but also said that if someone takes
advantage of you to let them and forgive them. The worlds wisdom says to avoid
doing business with those close because it will cause divisions and discord,
and frankly I have done just that thinking it is the smart thing to do.
What this really boils down to is it is a
matter of faith. Do you really believe God and His promises? If we avoid
helping someone because of fear that something bad will happen or they will
take advantage of us then we are not really trusting in God, who said that all
such sacrifices will be rewarded, both here on earth and in heaven. I know of
some who in the name of this “wisdom” won’t help someone in need but often it
is just an excuse they use because they really don’t want to be bothered and
have other things they would rather do. Proverbs addresses that also and so
does Jesus, the son of God and the one who will judge us on that last day. What
will be judged? We will be judged on our works, what we do or don’t do, and on
our words, what we say both publicly and in private. How do our works line up
with our words? Lots of people say all the right things but what we do reveals
what we truly believe in our hearts.
Gee, I can’t believe it is already 12:44.
What will I do with the rest of this day? The snow is already gone and there is
some tree work I need to finish up for a friend. I think I’ll fix a meatloaf
sandwich with what is in the fridge and do some praying as I decide what to do.
Do I keep writing and finish things I started or do I go to work and finish the
job I started. That will help pay some bills though the income tax bill we have
from when I worked at A-1 is thousands of dollars and we have a long way to go
on that. I need to fire up the tractor and start preparing to farm this spring.
Would love to get several trailer loads of mulch while it is free, because that
would be a huge help creating grow areas for melons. Would like to get some more
telephone poles. There is so much to do and so little of me to do it. What I
really would prefer is to spend time studying the bible and teaching others the
way of God, to tell of the freedom God offers through Jesus and the gift of
eternal life available to us all. That is the most valuable thing I can do,
more valuable than all the money in the world. It is where my heart is but we
have to eat and pay bills.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Nothing easy
7/31/14
Thursday
In my busyness I forgot about this
blog again. Had an email from the newspaper that showed someone had accessed an
old post and a picture of Rascal when he was a puppy. They track who accesses
things because our blog has a link from the papers website. Going back and
reading the old posts from 2007 revealed how far I have come regarding the
brain injury. At that time I was still having seizures and struggled to
understand things or people. I still struggle to understand people and probably
always will. What bothers me the most is how many wear their “I’m a Christian”
label but seem to not understand what that means. So many have their “God in a
box”, a box that fits who they want God to be and allows them to live any way
they choose, justifying all the hypocrisy. They choose a god in the box that
requires no personal sacrifice and little personal discipline, one that makes
them happy and allows them to despise or ignore everything outside of their
comfort zone.
The seizures have been gone for
years now. Praise God for that. It was sad to see Rascal as a little puppy
right after we got him and Trixie, because he is gone now. The cancer that took
him was a horrible experience but we loved him the best we could, making his
last months as joyous as possible. We still miss him and so does his sister,
Trixie. She hasn’t been the same since. But this is life. There is no life
without death and often death brings life. As a follower of Christ I died to my
old way of living and all the things that held me bound, but now I am set free,
born again, and have a new life to live, one that hopefully shines a light in
the darkness that surrounds us.
Things are going slowly here.
Nothing is easy and there are always problems to overcome. The Oasis project is
a struggle. Now that I am no longer with A-1 we don’t have a source of income.
I hoped to sell trucks we bought at auction but failed to take into account that
people can go to a dealer and get financing. Had a few potential buyers ask if
I would take payments and I did not want to get into that zoo because if they
missed payments I would have to repo or go to court. So despite having good
trucks at great prices we haven’t sold any. Someone broke the glass out of the
driver’s door of the 2004 F150 we had at the Oasis store on the interstate.
They rummaged through the glove compartment and did not take anything.
So we sit on a potential gold mine
with the Oasis store but are having a hard time buying food or gas for the
vehicles. It is frustrating. Some have helped us a little with personal needs
but the help I really need is to create a business of some kind. We are working
with Midland College on a business plan. That is going slow because I still
have a hard time organizing and following through on things. Had a friend suggest
I get on disability because, to use his words “You are really disabled”. That
disturbed me a lot. I sent him an email explaining that if I ever declared
myself disabled that would close the door for any kind of a future so would not
do so. He did not respond or answer my phone call. That too bothers me, how
some of my brothers and sisters in Christ distance themselves because we are in
need.
That’s it for now. Lots to do. We
had a rare rain last night so I must get some diesel fuel for the tractor and
move dirt while it is wet. Once it dries it becomes hard as a rock. Will work
on the cabin spaces at the store and must disc here on the farm. As always I
will try to update this blog more often, but history shows I haven’t been good
at that.
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