10/13/05 Thursday
Woke up slow. Hate when that happens. Maybe shower and breakfast would help. I remembered I was to help Cherie get to work on time by fixing breakfast but she didn’t want any. She was on her computer looking at Trellix web, the website builder software when I got up. I made some coffee and poured a glass of orange juice to take my pill with. Cherie asked me to pour her a bowl of cereal and then to iron her T-shirt. She was still running late leaving at a time where if she made every light and there was no traffic or police she might make it to work on time. It’s not good to always be in a rush. I think it would increase the likely hood of an accident.
I don’t have anything scheduled today which works with me being slow. Yesterday I put lots of stuff on paper mapping out the website. Now I just have to figure out how to do it. As I slowly work thru writing this I think of a good way to organize my work on the site. I will make a folder for every room so I can fill it with the contents of that room. Pictures, writings and all.
I think I will hit the shower to see if that speeds me up. The ears ringing thing is back along with the dizziness. …….The shower didn’t help. Still slow but I remembered Cherie asked me to wash the towels. That’s pretty amazing for me to remember that when I am this slow. I will fix something to eat now. AND put the laundry in the middle of the room so I don’t forget it. I need to use the timer so when it goes off I remember I got stuff in the machine.
I took the trash out, intending to look in on the laundry when I came back. That thought was gone by the time I got outside. When I came back in Fred was waiting. He just kinda made conversation asking about the weather and if I had anything planned. He never got around to asking me to take him out of his cell and I’m not doing well at all. “Fred, I’m not doing well and am going to lay down” I told him. I had every intention of doing just that but when I went to make this entry saw I had laundry downstairs. I had turned off the timer, confident I would go after the garbage. Better go right now.
Cherie just left to go back to work. I am always happy to see her. Kinda like the sun coming out when she walks in the room. The timer beeped so I went down to get the laundry. Using that timer helps a lot when I am slow. Still there and may even be worse than this morning. Sinuses are working over time so maybe that is contributing to this. Now that I think about it I think I have been forgetting to take aspirin for hours now. Headache won’t let me forget long.
It is 2:30 now. I am still doing poorly. When I got up to reheat the coffee I had warmed up an hour or so ago and forgot I had a hard time walking. The headache is getting worse. Guess I will take a Tramadol and my second pill. I heard the microwave ring so I better get the coffee before I forget.
4:05. It’s a good thing I use a pill minder cause I never took the seizure pill. I checked it to see if I had. Still real slow. Walking like I am tipsy with an occasional stumble. Going to get the Tramadol now and back to bed. Might shut the blinds to darken the room.
It’s 6:30. We just got back from Subway where we went for dinner. I am at the level that I had Cherie drive. Real slow. I have a hard time walking and have to be touching something so I don’t start to topple.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
101205 Wednesday
10/12/05 Wednesday
I was sure today was the twelfth and checked to make sure it was. It is good when I remember the date. I know I am to pick up Sharon this morning and have been worrying about her. We tried to call her a few times with no answer. Yesterday I called at 7:00, again there was no answer. I wonder if she has caller ID and just refuses to answer. I know that among the issues she has is paranoia and a tendency to build things up in her mind till it becomes delusional. By this time the results of my getting angry with her may have her viewing me as her enemy and she will have searched her memories for anything I did that can be construed as a violation of her trust. She will do what we all do, She will build up a case in her mind that justifies her opinion, something that can be presented in a courtroom. “Yeah but he did this and he did that and I know what else he did.” She did this about Wayne also.
I feel pretty bad about this but it will be difficult to fix it if she won’t talk. I just tried to call her again and there is still no answer. I still have this pile of stuff on Paxil with me and will drop it off to see how she’s doing. With the intense withdrawal symptoms from this drug can come symptoms like suicidal and homicidal thoughts and hallucination. She has called for an ambulance more than once because of this withdrawal.
Cherie had a rough morning and was running late and getting upset. She said she was going to have to get me up to fix breakfast cause she is hungry. She had tried to get all the bills paid and that had put her behind and she didn’t finish. We had talked about it last night and I told her we need to pay our bills on the first of the month and she was to do that from now on. Here we are filing bankruptcy and we need to reestablish our credit so we need to make every payment on time because it shows up on the credit reports. At least I think it does. I never had in mind Cherie doing all this stuff this morning but that is Cherie. Her reflexes were honed by her parents to jump when she did a perceived wrong and make it right. This could have waited till this evening. I had asked Cherie how to do this bill paying and bank stuff on the computer and she did but I can’t remember much at all. Especially where to find the site on the computer. I can follow the directions but some days that is hard.
I am running about a 7 this morning. Had three cups of coffee and should eat. It is one of those dreary, overcast, damp, and cool days. It works for me. I will put the “easy listening” music on and try to get stuff done without getting distracted. Of course getting distracted is a problem as I forget what I was doing. This is also one of the reasons putting this website together is so hard. I think of something I want to do with the website and by later, when I get to the computer, the thought is gone. And adding to that is that I have to relearn how to use the software each time and seem to get confused with it. Perhaps going slow will help and I am trying to carry a notebook and pen with me to record these concepts. If something is written down it can happen, otherwise it’s gone.
I can’t believe it is already 10:48. I showered and then fixed a fried egg muffin with cheese and bacon on it. I just got done washing the dishes which always aggravates my back pain. Sitting down only helps if I don’t slouch. I took my pill and vitamins. Right now the headache is growing in the front of my skull and I am slowing down. I will grab some aspirin and get back to work. It is too early for me to be tired.
I think I will start over on the website. I was using a template for a business website. That was adding to my confusion as I would label a button to go to a page only to see it is set up to list employees with all their information. I may have found a blank template where I have to do everything from scratch. I will explore that and see if there is some kind of tutorial in Microsoft Publisher. I may have already gone through the tutorial but there is no memory of it.
Fred called right in the middle of me writing an outline of The Story room. He asked me to come down and program his scanner for him. It seems I had tried to do this before and couldn’t. I sat down and read the instruction manual and did what I thought it said to do but no matter what it wouldn’t do what Fred asked for. Actually I never could figure out what Fred wanted. The frequencies he wanted me to program in are already there. Now I remember doing the exact same thing the last time. Fred is saying something about he wanted the channel changed as he pointed to a corner of the screen. The lettering is so small I have to squint so I know Fred couldn’t see it at all. Right in the middle of all this Cherie calls. I try to talk with her and figure out what Fred wanted at the same time. She was talkative and asking if I ate while letting me know she decided to stay at work for lunch. I had to cut her off so I could continue getting frustrated at Fred and his machine. It didn’t take me long to look at Fred and say “I can’t figure this out Fred. I give up.” I still am unsure what Fred wanted but that’s ok. I’m tired now. The aspirin didn’t touch the headache.
It’s 1:20 now. I don’t notice the headache as much. I vacuumed the carpet finally. The little marvelously compact vacuum Cherie got has a high pitched super sonic wail that just hurts. I will be glad when we can have a house of our own. A house where we can create the dream we both have. To live together, to grow old together, to enjoy life together, and to do good together. I still marvel at us coming back together after twenty years. I am filled when she laughs, we are complete. I know, I got it bad. And love every minute of it.
I’m doing better with paper and pencil designing this website. The more I map this out the more work I see I need to do. I think what I will do is prioritize the work and get something out that is complete. Then I can start building the rooms and perhaps it will interest others to watch the blanks get filled. At my speed it may take years. I think I will fix a peanut butter English muffin and take my second pill. The right ear is ringing now and kind of dizzy.
Hope the food helps along with the pill. I’m still not sure just how bad I need the pill.
I just tried to put my picture on the blog but got confused. Getting pretty slow. I had to comeback and write about this. Both of my hands are kinda numb and tingly. Real dizzy and ears ringing. Time to lay down.
That came on fast. I am better now. Cherie came home and fixed a nice chicken thing with noodles and I made some desert with maraschino cherries that turned out good.
I was sure today was the twelfth and checked to make sure it was. It is good when I remember the date. I know I am to pick up Sharon this morning and have been worrying about her. We tried to call her a few times with no answer. Yesterday I called at 7:00, again there was no answer. I wonder if she has caller ID and just refuses to answer. I know that among the issues she has is paranoia and a tendency to build things up in her mind till it becomes delusional. By this time the results of my getting angry with her may have her viewing me as her enemy and she will have searched her memories for anything I did that can be construed as a violation of her trust. She will do what we all do, She will build up a case in her mind that justifies her opinion, something that can be presented in a courtroom. “Yeah but he did this and he did that and I know what else he did.” She did this about Wayne also.
I feel pretty bad about this but it will be difficult to fix it if she won’t talk. I just tried to call her again and there is still no answer. I still have this pile of stuff on Paxil with me and will drop it off to see how she’s doing. With the intense withdrawal symptoms from this drug can come symptoms like suicidal and homicidal thoughts and hallucination. She has called for an ambulance more than once because of this withdrawal.
Cherie had a rough morning and was running late and getting upset. She said she was going to have to get me up to fix breakfast cause she is hungry. She had tried to get all the bills paid and that had put her behind and she didn’t finish. We had talked about it last night and I told her we need to pay our bills on the first of the month and she was to do that from now on. Here we are filing bankruptcy and we need to reestablish our credit so we need to make every payment on time because it shows up on the credit reports. At least I think it does. I never had in mind Cherie doing all this stuff this morning but that is Cherie. Her reflexes were honed by her parents to jump when she did a perceived wrong and make it right. This could have waited till this evening. I had asked Cherie how to do this bill paying and bank stuff on the computer and she did but I can’t remember much at all. Especially where to find the site on the computer. I can follow the directions but some days that is hard.
I am running about a 7 this morning. Had three cups of coffee and should eat. It is one of those dreary, overcast, damp, and cool days. It works for me. I will put the “easy listening” music on and try to get stuff done without getting distracted. Of course getting distracted is a problem as I forget what I was doing. This is also one of the reasons putting this website together is so hard. I think of something I want to do with the website and by later, when I get to the computer, the thought is gone. And adding to that is that I have to relearn how to use the software each time and seem to get confused with it. Perhaps going slow will help and I am trying to carry a notebook and pen with me to record these concepts. If something is written down it can happen, otherwise it’s gone.
I can’t believe it is already 10:48. I showered and then fixed a fried egg muffin with cheese and bacon on it. I just got done washing the dishes which always aggravates my back pain. Sitting down only helps if I don’t slouch. I took my pill and vitamins. Right now the headache is growing in the front of my skull and I am slowing down. I will grab some aspirin and get back to work. It is too early for me to be tired.
I think I will start over on the website. I was using a template for a business website. That was adding to my confusion as I would label a button to go to a page only to see it is set up to list employees with all their information. I may have found a blank template where I have to do everything from scratch. I will explore that and see if there is some kind of tutorial in Microsoft Publisher. I may have already gone through the tutorial but there is no memory of it.
Fred called right in the middle of me writing an outline of The Story room. He asked me to come down and program his scanner for him. It seems I had tried to do this before and couldn’t. I sat down and read the instruction manual and did what I thought it said to do but no matter what it wouldn’t do what Fred asked for. Actually I never could figure out what Fred wanted. The frequencies he wanted me to program in are already there. Now I remember doing the exact same thing the last time. Fred is saying something about he wanted the channel changed as he pointed to a corner of the screen. The lettering is so small I have to squint so I know Fred couldn’t see it at all. Right in the middle of all this Cherie calls. I try to talk with her and figure out what Fred wanted at the same time. She was talkative and asking if I ate while letting me know she decided to stay at work for lunch. I had to cut her off so I could continue getting frustrated at Fred and his machine. It didn’t take me long to look at Fred and say “I can’t figure this out Fred. I give up.” I still am unsure what Fred wanted but that’s ok. I’m tired now. The aspirin didn’t touch the headache.
It’s 1:20 now. I don’t notice the headache as much. I vacuumed the carpet finally. The little marvelously compact vacuum Cherie got has a high pitched super sonic wail that just hurts. I will be glad when we can have a house of our own. A house where we can create the dream we both have. To live together, to grow old together, to enjoy life together, and to do good together. I still marvel at us coming back together after twenty years. I am filled when she laughs, we are complete. I know, I got it bad. And love every minute of it.
I’m doing better with paper and pencil designing this website. The more I map this out the more work I see I need to do. I think what I will do is prioritize the work and get something out that is complete. Then I can start building the rooms and perhaps it will interest others to watch the blanks get filled. At my speed it may take years. I think I will fix a peanut butter English muffin and take my second pill. The right ear is ringing now and kind of dizzy.
Hope the food helps along with the pill. I’m still not sure just how bad I need the pill.
I just tried to put my picture on the blog but got confused. Getting pretty slow. I had to comeback and write about this. Both of my hands are kinda numb and tingly. Real dizzy and ears ringing. Time to lay down.
That came on fast. I am better now. Cherie came home and fixed a nice chicken thing with noodles and I made some desert with maraschino cherries that turned out good.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
101105 Tuesday
10/11/05 Tuesday
Well I remember the date this morning without looking in the calendar. That is good. I woke up feeling like I worked all night and wanted to close back my eyes and curl up under the warm blankets. But Cherie had turned on the TV and brought me some Bob coffee, forcing my brain to wake up as I began to listen to the news. She is so cool and that was one of the gentlest wake ups I have had. I wonder if I am fighting something off because of how my head feels.
Fred called last night and wants to return the shredder he bought yesterday. The phone rang just as I start to write about Fred. It’s Fred. I convinced him to let me look at it before we return it so he’s calling to see if I’m ready to come look at it. “Fred, I have to shower and get moving so I’ll call you when I am done.”
Sure enough the shredder was just fine, Fred just didn’t understand how to work it and can’t see to read the directions or the one switch. The real problem he had is he didn’t know that the shredder had a switch that activated the motor when you put a piece of paper in it. I showed him how it worked and he evidently was able to shred something but after the paper went through the machine stopped. Hence it is broken. I explained all this and told him that the other shredder that he gave us was the same way and worked fine. He had been plugging and unplugging that shredder for a couple of years when all he had to do was put the paper in.
With all that done I came up here and started organizing Wayne’s stuff and get out what I would need when I take him to the Zeph Center. I decided I would make copies of these assessments we got from the lawyer and that turned into a big challenge. I scanned and scanned and could not find where they were saved to or anything. Then I run the scanner, faithfully following the directions on the screen, secure in the fact that I will have all four pages together. No and No. Nothing worked but at least I figured out how to save one image at a time and did that painstakingly slow process. I know I had figured all this out before but it’s gone now. It’s is so much fun to learn the same thing over again like it was the first time you ever saw it.
At this point I am not to swift. I started that almost two hours ago. Hope I am clear when I take Wayne in. I went ahead and copied the rest of the forms. The lawyer had said he developed these forms himself but one of them was copied right out of a law book because it still had reference and page numbers. He didn’t even have his secretary retype it, just made copies of the copies. One page even still had some former clients name.
Fred just called again. Now the shredder is broken again. “Maybe we should take it back” he tells me when I walk in. I look at it and immediately see the problem. Fred uses one of those outlet plug ins that give you six plugs for the price of one. The only problem is that the slots where the plug goes in are so close to the edge that Fred had one tang in the outlet and the other exposed along the side of the outlet. With Fred’s blindness he thought he had plugged it in right.
I explained the problem and plugged the shredder in with confidence that I had saved the day. It didn’t work, the light didn’t come on, and no matter how many times I tried to force paper through and plugged it in to different outlets it wouldn’t work. “Well Fred, I reckon we best be taking this here thing back to the store” I said with resignation. As I began to pack it up I noticed a wee little slot on the bottom of this thing. What was that? I thought and picked it up to look closer. Sure enough it is a safety switch to prevent the shredder from running when it is removed from the basket that catches the shredded paper. I see that the machine could only work if it faced the correct direction and showed Fred how to do it, taking his finger so he could feel the slot and the opening that needs to face forward. I know he can see better with his fingers than his eyes.
It is time for me to prepare to go to the Zeph Center with Wayne. I need to take my pill early and some aspirin and body ache pills. I am having the ears ringing along with that strange lightheaded feeling where everything feels disconnected. I did eat breakfast so should grab a snack other than the apple crisp that calls me whenever I open the fridge.
I got Wayne to Zeph and went in with him to see the psych. I told her how I was gathering the medical evidence needed for Wayne’s hearing at social security and asked if she would fill out the assessment of Wayne’s mental status. At first she wasn’t’ sure and when she started looking through the four page assessment she began to ask Wayne questions and filling in the form based on her observations. Many of the questions were identical to some of the verbal tests I have been given such as counting down from 100 by subtracting seven. In the end she completed the assessment and signed it. I asked her to make a copy and put it in his file and she said that was standard procedure.
I took Wayne out to Kroger after that to get groceries and essentials like toilet paper. Then I took him home. Right now I can’t remember much of the rest of the evening other than I fixed dinner. It was fairly good, smoked sausage and rice with a soup made of whatever I could find in the fridge that either got cooked or tossed.
That’s pretty much it for today.
Well I remember the date this morning without looking in the calendar. That is good. I woke up feeling like I worked all night and wanted to close back my eyes and curl up under the warm blankets. But Cherie had turned on the TV and brought me some Bob coffee, forcing my brain to wake up as I began to listen to the news. She is so cool and that was one of the gentlest wake ups I have had. I wonder if I am fighting something off because of how my head feels.
Fred called last night and wants to return the shredder he bought yesterday. The phone rang just as I start to write about Fred. It’s Fred. I convinced him to let me look at it before we return it so he’s calling to see if I’m ready to come look at it. “Fred, I have to shower and get moving so I’ll call you when I am done.”
Sure enough the shredder was just fine, Fred just didn’t understand how to work it and can’t see to read the directions or the one switch. The real problem he had is he didn’t know that the shredder had a switch that activated the motor when you put a piece of paper in it. I showed him how it worked and he evidently was able to shred something but after the paper went through the machine stopped. Hence it is broken. I explained all this and told him that the other shredder that he gave us was the same way and worked fine. He had been plugging and unplugging that shredder for a couple of years when all he had to do was put the paper in.
With all that done I came up here and started organizing Wayne’s stuff and get out what I would need when I take him to the Zeph Center. I decided I would make copies of these assessments we got from the lawyer and that turned into a big challenge. I scanned and scanned and could not find where they were saved to or anything. Then I run the scanner, faithfully following the directions on the screen, secure in the fact that I will have all four pages together. No and No. Nothing worked but at least I figured out how to save one image at a time and did that painstakingly slow process. I know I had figured all this out before but it’s gone now. It’s is so much fun to learn the same thing over again like it was the first time you ever saw it.
At this point I am not to swift. I started that almost two hours ago. Hope I am clear when I take Wayne in. I went ahead and copied the rest of the forms. The lawyer had said he developed these forms himself but one of them was copied right out of a law book because it still had reference and page numbers. He didn’t even have his secretary retype it, just made copies of the copies. One page even still had some former clients name.
Fred just called again. Now the shredder is broken again. “Maybe we should take it back” he tells me when I walk in. I look at it and immediately see the problem. Fred uses one of those outlet plug ins that give you six plugs for the price of one. The only problem is that the slots where the plug goes in are so close to the edge that Fred had one tang in the outlet and the other exposed along the side of the outlet. With Fred’s blindness he thought he had plugged it in right.
I explained the problem and plugged the shredder in with confidence that I had saved the day. It didn’t work, the light didn’t come on, and no matter how many times I tried to force paper through and plugged it in to different outlets it wouldn’t work. “Well Fred, I reckon we best be taking this here thing back to the store” I said with resignation. As I began to pack it up I noticed a wee little slot on the bottom of this thing. What was that? I thought and picked it up to look closer. Sure enough it is a safety switch to prevent the shredder from running when it is removed from the basket that catches the shredded paper. I see that the machine could only work if it faced the correct direction and showed Fred how to do it, taking his finger so he could feel the slot and the opening that needs to face forward. I know he can see better with his fingers than his eyes.
It is time for me to prepare to go to the Zeph Center with Wayne. I need to take my pill early and some aspirin and body ache pills. I am having the ears ringing along with that strange lightheaded feeling where everything feels disconnected. I did eat breakfast so should grab a snack other than the apple crisp that calls me whenever I open the fridge.
I got Wayne to Zeph and went in with him to see the psych. I told her how I was gathering the medical evidence needed for Wayne’s hearing at social security and asked if she would fill out the assessment of Wayne’s mental status. At first she wasn’t’ sure and when she started looking through the four page assessment she began to ask Wayne questions and filling in the form based on her observations. Many of the questions were identical to some of the verbal tests I have been given such as counting down from 100 by subtracting seven. In the end she completed the assessment and signed it. I asked her to make a copy and put it in his file and she said that was standard procedure.
I took Wayne out to Kroger after that to get groceries and essentials like toilet paper. Then I took him home. Right now I can’t remember much of the rest of the evening other than I fixed dinner. It was fairly good, smoked sausage and rice with a soup made of whatever I could find in the fridge that either got cooked or tossed.
That’s pretty much it for today.
Monday, October 10, 2005
101005 Monday
10/10/05 Monday
I woke up tired and slow. Hate to start the day that way. When I turned my phone on there were two voice mails on it. They were from Ahmed. I forgot that he needs me to get him to his truck. I want to not call but must do what I say. OK I called but there was no answer. OOP’s the phone’s ringing. That would be Ahmed calling back. It was and he asked if I could take him to his truck. I looked at the clock and at 8:15, with me needing to shower and eat, plus having to take Fred to a variety of places, on top of an hour drive there and back I had to tell him no. Suppose it’s time to get my butt moving.
When I’m slow everything slows down. It took me an hour to get cleaned up and dressed. I think this normally takes maybe twenty minutes but can’t really remember. All I know is that on days like this it is like waking up many times a day. I’ll be going along and look at a clock to see an hour or three has gone by. I will have to stop and think for a while to remember what I was doing or was supposed to be doing. Kinda like the momentary confusion when your mind is sorting things out as you wake from a deep sleep only it’s in the middle of your day.
It is a good thing I didn’t take Ahmed because I would not have been able to get there and back in time. Fred won’t be any fun easier if I am in this state. Hope I improve. On days like this I drive like an old man, nice and slow, but I seldom drive significantly slower than the speed limit like some.
I took my pill earlier this morning but sense that I better take my aspirin and tramadol for headache. Headaches are never a good way to start. My typing speed is still real slow, an indicator of brain function. I want to fill in the events at the apple butter festival but it will have to wait for a better time. And, so I don’t forget, I need to tell of Ahmed’s beliefs about 9/11.
It is 12:25 now. Cherie just left for work. I was fixing grits, bacon, and fried eggs for brunch when Cherie got home at 12:00. With it I whipped up some of what my dad used to call dirty gravy or something like that. It is just a flour gravy using the bacon grease to make the rue with. Every time I make it I think of my dad. How he used to cook breakfast, the buttermilk biscuits, and this gravy. There are some good memories and many areas where dad had an influence and when I write about him I need to make sure I include the good. Otherwise it will be a pretty grim picture and I like to be as balanced and honest as I can in my writing. It would be nice if he would talk to me and help me know what happened when, give his contribution to that book.
As always when I am with Cherie I have a good barometer of how I am doing. Pretty bad, about a 2 or 3. As I listened to my voice I remembered who I sound like. Tom Hanks in Forest Gump talked in a way that is reminiscent of me when I am slow. I was stuttering now and couldn’t communicate well with Cherie. When that happens I get frustrated and must withdraw from conversation because it turns into a progressive deterioration as my brain becomes overloaded and starts to freeze up.
I got Fred to his destinations OK. The first stop was Office Depot where he wanted to buy a new shredder. He wanted one with an on off switch so he would not have to keep unplugging it to turn it off. He started looking at the high end where the shredders went for about three hundred bucks. I steered him to the cheap seats where I knew he wanted to be and began describing what he looked at. His constant question was “Does it have an on off switch?” which I answered by telling him they all had on off switches. “How much is this one? Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked pointing to the machine I had just showed him and priced for him. He finally settled on that one so we headed to the register. I gave the clerk the slip that identified what Fred wished to purchase, allowing them to get one from storage. When it arrived Fred said “Open the box. I want to make sure it’s the right one.” The manager promptly opened it up and I\ explained to Fred, who couldn’t see what he looked at, that it was the correct one. “Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked the manager. I let him answer figuring a second opinion might stick better than just me telling him.
From there Fred wanted to find a Dollar General to buy Sweetest Day cards. I did not know if there was one nearby so after taking Fred through a few strip malls I suggested we drive up to Maumee where we knew a Dollar General was. “Fred gas costs too much to just drive around hoping to find one.”
When we got there the card rack was nearly cleaned out. It was evident that the vender who stocked it had not been there in a while. Fred asked a clerk if they had Sweetest Day cards and upon hearing a confirmation of what I told him said lets go. The next stop was at Deals where the same song was playing, No Sweetest Day cards so we headed to the Dollar Tree. They also did not have any but the lady working there told Fred that Big Lots had some.
Big Lots is only three or four stores down Dollar Tree but Fred wasn’t up to walking that far so I drove him to park closer. Inside we found Sweetest Day cards though the selection wasn’t great. I know that Fred buys these cards for all the women he has in his life, none of them in a romantic way, so I looked for the general ones for him. I would pick one out and read every word loud enough for him to hear. As I tried to keep with the style of card I knew he wanted he kept pulling out cards who’s covers caught his eye. “Fred, that one says “to my husband” so you don’t want that” I would tell him and get out an appropriate card to read before he grabbed something else. Eventually I read enough cards for him to pick out four. I’m sure some of the patrons in the store wondered as they saw a middle aged guy reading Sweetest Day poems to an old man. Of course I was reading loud enough for half the store to hear because Fred doesn’t hear well.
Fred said I better get a card for Cherie and I thanked him cause I don’t often think of that kind of thing on top of not knowing Sweetest Day was coming. We checked out and I helped Fred go through his dismay at how much cards cost. He bitched about it all the way home.
I am tired and had to keep from nodding off as I slowly worked on writing this. It is 1:18 now so you can see how much I wrote in an hour because I marked the time seven paragraphs earlier at 12:25. Still slow but hope I speed up by the time I take Barb to the doctor at 4:30. I think I will take my afternoon nap because it usually helps.
Wayne just called to make sure I was still going to take him to the Zeph Center cause they had just called him. It is smart for him to call because you never know when I will forget or fail to write it in the calendar. After I clean forgot about taking him to the Pilgrim Church on some recent Friday he is starting to help me out. My joke is that me helping Wayne out was like the blind leading the blind but working together we can get more done. Now I will try again to lay down. Even walking is slower as I have to be more deliberate, taking care my right leg goes where it’s supposed to.
I’m waking up again. But before I can gather what I was doing the phone rings. It is Allen and he wants me to look up knife fish and then gets into all these details describing variations between sub species until I cut him off. I said he would have to be here with me because there was no way I would be able to navigate the web. It turned into an argument right away. I now remember that Allen had called earlier and we talked of his problem and stuff. That one went well but not this time. Allen argued with me and that seems to be my weakness for it is then I get angriest the quickest. I hung up on him.
Fred just called and I have to get Barb now. Got Barb and am sitting in the parking lot writing this. I got the jazz station in and have the windows down on this cool drizzling day. I am not as slow as before but still not speedy. Barb just came out so I will take Barb home where I will pick up Dawn for the grocery store.
I told Barb that she needs to get Dawn into the car as quick as she can because “My wife gets home at 5:00 and I want to be there so lets get going.” She went to Dawn’s door and I could see her explaining to Dawn. They promptly got in the car and we were off. “Are you getting a lot of stuff at the Pharm?” I asked Dawn cause I knew she was filling her card there. “No, just a few things.” She replied so I dropped them off at the store.
I’m going to get something to drink I told them and took off. I found a Burger King and went up to the drive through window. “I’ll have a medium strawberry shake” I said to the box. It told me how much to pay so I reached for my wallet as I drove toward the pay window. It was stark naked inside, not a dollar. I spent it all at the Apple Butter fest and of course forgot I did so. Seeing that I pulled out of the line and going past the window I waved at the guy trying to be as polite as I could. Then I was out of there and headed back to the Pharm where I pulled up front in the fire lane and waited for them to come out.
They had promised to be quick and I was confident they would. Sure enough I can see them coming through the check out. But wait! What’s the hold up. First I see Barb going to the customer service desk and then after a while I see Dawn heading that direction also. I was just beginning to think about going in when I saw Barb heading out with Dawn close behind. Come to find out there was a long line at the machine used to fill up your food stamp card. I pull up to their apartments and let them unload. As soon as they were clear I put it in gear and was gone.
I got home and greeted my lovely wife with a kiss and a hug. We are like some Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver couple from Leave It To Beaver and just love some theatrics when we come together. She fixed the “Old Settlers Beans” dish that I love so well. Then she told me this incredibly easy recipe for apple crisp which I just finished baking. Cherie just came in and as I looked up at her, startled as always with how beautiful she is, she said “Do you mind if I go out?”. I told here of course not and asked where she was going. She is going to Jo Ann Fabrics and then to Michaels, which is a craft supply store. This means she is continuing to get back to the sewing and creating she loves so much. I encourage this as much as I can but should listen to myself. I haven’t picked up my wood carving tools since the Cedar Creek rejection that spun me into a depression.
I woke up tired and slow. Hate to start the day that way. When I turned my phone on there were two voice mails on it. They were from Ahmed. I forgot that he needs me to get him to his truck. I want to not call but must do what I say. OK I called but there was no answer. OOP’s the phone’s ringing. That would be Ahmed calling back. It was and he asked if I could take him to his truck. I looked at the clock and at 8:15, with me needing to shower and eat, plus having to take Fred to a variety of places, on top of an hour drive there and back I had to tell him no. Suppose it’s time to get my butt moving.
When I’m slow everything slows down. It took me an hour to get cleaned up and dressed. I think this normally takes maybe twenty minutes but can’t really remember. All I know is that on days like this it is like waking up many times a day. I’ll be going along and look at a clock to see an hour or three has gone by. I will have to stop and think for a while to remember what I was doing or was supposed to be doing. Kinda like the momentary confusion when your mind is sorting things out as you wake from a deep sleep only it’s in the middle of your day.
It is a good thing I didn’t take Ahmed because I would not have been able to get there and back in time. Fred won’t be any fun easier if I am in this state. Hope I improve. On days like this I drive like an old man, nice and slow, but I seldom drive significantly slower than the speed limit like some.
I took my pill earlier this morning but sense that I better take my aspirin and tramadol for headache. Headaches are never a good way to start. My typing speed is still real slow, an indicator of brain function. I want to fill in the events at the apple butter festival but it will have to wait for a better time. And, so I don’t forget, I need to tell of Ahmed’s beliefs about 9/11.
It is 12:25 now. Cherie just left for work. I was fixing grits, bacon, and fried eggs for brunch when Cherie got home at 12:00. With it I whipped up some of what my dad used to call dirty gravy or something like that. It is just a flour gravy using the bacon grease to make the rue with. Every time I make it I think of my dad. How he used to cook breakfast, the buttermilk biscuits, and this gravy. There are some good memories and many areas where dad had an influence and when I write about him I need to make sure I include the good. Otherwise it will be a pretty grim picture and I like to be as balanced and honest as I can in my writing. It would be nice if he would talk to me and help me know what happened when, give his contribution to that book.
As always when I am with Cherie I have a good barometer of how I am doing. Pretty bad, about a 2 or 3. As I listened to my voice I remembered who I sound like. Tom Hanks in Forest Gump talked in a way that is reminiscent of me when I am slow. I was stuttering now and couldn’t communicate well with Cherie. When that happens I get frustrated and must withdraw from conversation because it turns into a progressive deterioration as my brain becomes overloaded and starts to freeze up.
I got Fred to his destinations OK. The first stop was Office Depot where he wanted to buy a new shredder. He wanted one with an on off switch so he would not have to keep unplugging it to turn it off. He started looking at the high end where the shredders went for about three hundred bucks. I steered him to the cheap seats where I knew he wanted to be and began describing what he looked at. His constant question was “Does it have an on off switch?” which I answered by telling him they all had on off switches. “How much is this one? Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked pointing to the machine I had just showed him and priced for him. He finally settled on that one so we headed to the register. I gave the clerk the slip that identified what Fred wished to purchase, allowing them to get one from storage. When it arrived Fred said “Open the box. I want to make sure it’s the right one.” The manager promptly opened it up and I\ explained to Fred, who couldn’t see what he looked at, that it was the correct one. “Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked the manager. I let him answer figuring a second opinion might stick better than just me telling him.
From there Fred wanted to find a Dollar General to buy Sweetest Day cards. I did not know if there was one nearby so after taking Fred through a few strip malls I suggested we drive up to Maumee where we knew a Dollar General was. “Fred gas costs too much to just drive around hoping to find one.”
When we got there the card rack was nearly cleaned out. It was evident that the vender who stocked it had not been there in a while. Fred asked a clerk if they had Sweetest Day cards and upon hearing a confirmation of what I told him said lets go. The next stop was at Deals where the same song was playing, No Sweetest Day cards so we headed to the Dollar Tree. They also did not have any but the lady working there told Fred that Big Lots had some.
Big Lots is only three or four stores down Dollar Tree but Fred wasn’t up to walking that far so I drove him to park closer. Inside we found Sweetest Day cards though the selection wasn’t great. I know that Fred buys these cards for all the women he has in his life, none of them in a romantic way, so I looked for the general ones for him. I would pick one out and read every word loud enough for him to hear. As I tried to keep with the style of card I knew he wanted he kept pulling out cards who’s covers caught his eye. “Fred, that one says “to my husband” so you don’t want that” I would tell him and get out an appropriate card to read before he grabbed something else. Eventually I read enough cards for him to pick out four. I’m sure some of the patrons in the store wondered as they saw a middle aged guy reading Sweetest Day poems to an old man. Of course I was reading loud enough for half the store to hear because Fred doesn’t hear well.
Fred said I better get a card for Cherie and I thanked him cause I don’t often think of that kind of thing on top of not knowing Sweetest Day was coming. We checked out and I helped Fred go through his dismay at how much cards cost. He bitched about it all the way home.
I am tired and had to keep from nodding off as I slowly worked on writing this. It is 1:18 now so you can see how much I wrote in an hour because I marked the time seven paragraphs earlier at 12:25. Still slow but hope I speed up by the time I take Barb to the doctor at 4:30. I think I will take my afternoon nap because it usually helps.
Wayne just called to make sure I was still going to take him to the Zeph Center cause they had just called him. It is smart for him to call because you never know when I will forget or fail to write it in the calendar. After I clean forgot about taking him to the Pilgrim Church on some recent Friday he is starting to help me out. My joke is that me helping Wayne out was like the blind leading the blind but working together we can get more done. Now I will try again to lay down. Even walking is slower as I have to be more deliberate, taking care my right leg goes where it’s supposed to.
I’m waking up again. But before I can gather what I was doing the phone rings. It is Allen and he wants me to look up knife fish and then gets into all these details describing variations between sub species until I cut him off. I said he would have to be here with me because there was no way I would be able to navigate the web. It turned into an argument right away. I now remember that Allen had called earlier and we talked of his problem and stuff. That one went well but not this time. Allen argued with me and that seems to be my weakness for it is then I get angriest the quickest. I hung up on him.
Fred just called and I have to get Barb now. Got Barb and am sitting in the parking lot writing this. I got the jazz station in and have the windows down on this cool drizzling day. I am not as slow as before but still not speedy. Barb just came out so I will take Barb home where I will pick up Dawn for the grocery store.
I told Barb that she needs to get Dawn into the car as quick as she can because “My wife gets home at 5:00 and I want to be there so lets get going.” She went to Dawn’s door and I could see her explaining to Dawn. They promptly got in the car and we were off. “Are you getting a lot of stuff at the Pharm?” I asked Dawn cause I knew she was filling her card there. “No, just a few things.” She replied so I dropped them off at the store.
I’m going to get something to drink I told them and took off. I found a Burger King and went up to the drive through window. “I’ll have a medium strawberry shake” I said to the box. It told me how much to pay so I reached for my wallet as I drove toward the pay window. It was stark naked inside, not a dollar. I spent it all at the Apple Butter fest and of course forgot I did so. Seeing that I pulled out of the line and going past the window I waved at the guy trying to be as polite as I could. Then I was out of there and headed back to the Pharm where I pulled up front in the fire lane and waited for them to come out.
They had promised to be quick and I was confident they would. Sure enough I can see them coming through the check out. But wait! What’s the hold up. First I see Barb going to the customer service desk and then after a while I see Dawn heading that direction also. I was just beginning to think about going in when I saw Barb heading out with Dawn close behind. Come to find out there was a long line at the machine used to fill up your food stamp card. I pull up to their apartments and let them unload. As soon as they were clear I put it in gear and was gone.
I got home and greeted my lovely wife with a kiss and a hug. We are like some Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver couple from Leave It To Beaver and just love some theatrics when we come together. She fixed the “Old Settlers Beans” dish that I love so well. Then she told me this incredibly easy recipe for apple crisp which I just finished baking. Cherie just came in and as I looked up at her, startled as always with how beautiful she is, she said “Do you mind if I go out?”. I told here of course not and asked where she was going. She is going to Jo Ann Fabrics and then to Michaels, which is a craft supply store. This means she is continuing to get back to the sewing and creating she loves so much. I encourage this as much as I can but should listen to myself. I haven’t picked up my wood carving tools since the Cedar Creek rejection that spun me into a depression.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
10905 Sunday
10/9/05 Sunday
It is a beautiful day. One of those days when the weather was as if you had ordered it. The sky is a pale blue with clouds so far off they look like a distant mountain range. It is 45 degrees out and the high is expected to be only 57. The temperature is one that is perfect for our different body abnormalities. I have an altered body temperature control mechanism from the brain damage. Where I used to thrive in the heat it now beats me down. Now I am comfortable in just shirt sleeves while others wear coats.
Cherie has her own problems with the heat. Her hot flashes from the change of life are intense and leave her weak. At work it kills her when she is testing bottles and can’t leave her post, other wise she can go to the 40 degree room which helps tremendously.
It will be crowded but I think I can handle it. I took some of the herbal stuff that helps me stay clear.
We are back from the Apple Butter Festival. It was a hoot but wore us out. After paying $6.00 to park in somebody’s back yard we headed back too the Maumee River. To get to the bridge we have to cross U.S. 24. Here is the first hoot. For those who are not familiar with it U.S. 24 is a high traffic highway with only one lane in each direction. There are police cruisers with lights on in the middle of the road and there are five and sometimes six officers out on the highway directing traffic.
It was a strained kind of coordination as they all tried to stop or direct traffic in a way that would not send cars careening into each other. “Hey Rodger! Go ahead and send them through.” “No Wait!” said the woman who would eventually take charge and direct everyone. As I watched I thought of the cops directing traffic I had seen in Chicago. There you had one man handling massive numbers of cars coming from all directions. Here is a commentary on the human factor. One man can do more than five who despite them all sharing the same goals can’t truly coordinate. We get across the highway and on the bridge. Now we can see across the river and there is already a crowd.
---------------------------------------------------
Never finished writing about that. Slow and tired out. We went to look at sunset at the Masonic parking lot like we do. They had something going on so we weren’t comfortable because we knew we stood out and didn’t belong there. We went to the new video store that just opened but most of their stuff was DVD which we don’t have except in this laptop. I hurt from the festival. Can’t write good right now so quit. I tried to work on the website but couldn’t. Got confused easy, brain kinda froze up, real frustrated. Done. Good night.
It is a beautiful day. One of those days when the weather was as if you had ordered it. The sky is a pale blue with clouds so far off they look like a distant mountain range. It is 45 degrees out and the high is expected to be only 57. The temperature is one that is perfect for our different body abnormalities. I have an altered body temperature control mechanism from the brain damage. Where I used to thrive in the heat it now beats me down. Now I am comfortable in just shirt sleeves while others wear coats.
Cherie has her own problems with the heat. Her hot flashes from the change of life are intense and leave her weak. At work it kills her when she is testing bottles and can’t leave her post, other wise she can go to the 40 degree room which helps tremendously.
It will be crowded but I think I can handle it. I took some of the herbal stuff that helps me stay clear.
We are back from the Apple Butter Festival. It was a hoot but wore us out. After paying $6.00 to park in somebody’s back yard we headed back too the Maumee River. To get to the bridge we have to cross U.S. 24. Here is the first hoot. For those who are not familiar with it U.S. 24 is a high traffic highway with only one lane in each direction. There are police cruisers with lights on in the middle of the road and there are five and sometimes six officers out on the highway directing traffic.
It was a strained kind of coordination as they all tried to stop or direct traffic in a way that would not send cars careening into each other. “Hey Rodger! Go ahead and send them through.” “No Wait!” said the woman who would eventually take charge and direct everyone. As I watched I thought of the cops directing traffic I had seen in Chicago. There you had one man handling massive numbers of cars coming from all directions. Here is a commentary on the human factor. One man can do more than five who despite them all sharing the same goals can’t truly coordinate. We get across the highway and on the bridge. Now we can see across the river and there is already a crowd.
---------------------------------------------------
Never finished writing about that. Slow and tired out. We went to look at sunset at the Masonic parking lot like we do. They had something going on so we weren’t comfortable because we knew we stood out and didn’t belong there. We went to the new video store that just opened but most of their stuff was DVD which we don’t have except in this laptop. I hurt from the festival. Can’t write good right now so quit. I tried to work on the website but couldn’t. Got confused easy, brain kinda froze up, real frustrated. Done. Good night.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
101105 Saturday
10/11/05 Saturday
I had written much more yesterday but must of forgotten to save it cause it’s not here now. Yesterday ended rough. I had one of those headaches, where I have to turn off the lights and television, come in fast. I also have the return of an old problem where if I yawn real strong it affects some nerve some where and paralyzes my vocal cords and the right side of my neck. That hasn’t happened in months. I choked on a cracker and after getting that washed down a Tums that I took for the acid stomach. Both had not gone down the right path but lodged in the airway. I coughed and cleared my throat for quite a while.
By nine I just curled up in bed and told Cherie I was done for the night. She continued going through clothes in the closet until she got the message I was done and needed no lights and quiet. “I’ll just go in the other room and be quiet” she said and I asked her for my good night kiss. That was the end cause I conked out right away and don’t even remember when she came to bed.
We had gone to the Glendale Family Restaurant for dinner. We have learned to rush there immediately after Cherie gets off work to beat the crowd. Getting into the parking lot is like coming into pit row at a Nascar race as everyone else who comes for the fantastic food at unbelievable prices rushes in. We didn’t quite make it before the waiting list started but were only third or fourth on it. Seconds after we arrived the waiting room filled up. I was going to save some of the ribs I ordered and Cherie had planned to do the same with the chicken she ordered but it was so good we cleaned it up.
Then we ordered desert and both got this turtle cheese cake. It was one of the best cheesecakes I have ever had and as Cherie and I discussed that fact I made a comment that cracked us both up. A dangerous thing to do with a mouthful of food. In trying to describe this dessert I told Cherie it was like a taste orgasm with every bite. I ate so much I had a hard time walking and started having the powerful hiccups I call stomach lurches. These can be so strong they hurt and almost make me lose my food.
I was up and down all night and woke up at 4:30 or so. Right now I am operating at about a 6. I have to take Barb to the dentist this morning so must get going. Cherie just fixed some scrambled eggs and got me a glass of orange juice. I am blessed to have her in my life.
Oh yeah, while it is in my mind I need to write that I had Cherie call Sharon to see how she is doing. Sharon’s son Gary answered the phone and after carefully inquiring who it was gave it to his mom. Sharon was rather abrupt and the conversation did not last long. I feel bad for losing it with her and will write her a letter as I don’t trust myself not to get mad again if we talked.
Gotta get showered and out of here. I called Barb to make sure she was up. Basil answered and when I told him she was to go to the dentist he woke her up. Then I called Fred to let him know Barb was up so he wouldn’t call her and so I could get the package he had for her. When I knocked on the door and Fred answered he showed me a cardboard box with the top leaves taped up to increase the volume of the box. It was packed full to the top so I picked it up and headed out. “I’ll open the door for you” Fred said as I tried to get a hand free without dropping everything.
At Barb’s now and carried the box up to the door. She fought the cats to put the food in her fridge. I think she is up to six or seven now and one of them is again pregnant. I let Barb know that it was 49 degrees out so she needed a sweater or something warm and got her out to the car.
She kind of rambled a bit, telling me about one thing and then switching to another subject. I would make a comment on occasion but didn’t have much to say. As I listened I began to think about Barb, her life, her humanity. Her cats are the place she can love and feel, where she is safe and can have the emotions that were robbed when she lost her children. Like all of us she wants to belong and fit in, to have friends. She is locked into a place where fitting in can be dangerous.
I feel for her as I write this. I am in the parking lot of the dentist sitting in the Lincoln listening to jazz. The last time I was here it took Barb an hour and a half to get done. Typical Medicaid doctor in that she packs them in and runs as many through the mill as possible. I’m not real speedy but I can do stuff for the website without having to understand the software of the MS Office publishing program.
Just got started on that when Barb finally came out. We headed back to her place and as we passed a rummage sale she pointed it out to me. Then we passed another one and she was happy to see it. “Look Bob it’s a rummage sale” she said with the enthusiasm of a child who just saw something wonderous go by. “Do you have any money?” I asked her and when she said no I told her there was no sense in going then. That didn’t matter because now she was telling me what she could do with one of the pieces of furniture that was out on the lawn of the first sale. Describing in detail how she would put curtains on the front of this cabinet, dreaming of a life that could have been. She was talking to the window as we drove on, just speaking out loud as her eyes looked fixatedly at the vision in her mind.
I was sad as I watched her and now as I write of this. It renews my desire to make a difference in my world.
Cherie went to so some shopping so I have the house to myself and am hoping to get stuff done. I am still slow, maybe up to a seven but it is hard to tell. It is when I am around Cherie or some one else and have to interact I can get a clearer idea of how fast the brain is working. Typing helps me gauge this as my speed and accuracy vary widely depending of how efficiently this brain is working.
I was tired when I got back and the headache was coming so Cherie got me some aspirin and I took them with a Tramadol. Now the headache is here but I am not letting it win. I had to eat another Tums when I got here so the heartburn thing is back with a vengeance. Cherie will pick up some Pepsid at Sam’s Club because that seems to work well. I am going to take another Tums now with the hope it will help me concentrate on the work I must do to create the website.
Never got to work on the website, in fact that was pretty much the end of the day for me.
I had written much more yesterday but must of forgotten to save it cause it’s not here now. Yesterday ended rough. I had one of those headaches, where I have to turn off the lights and television, come in fast. I also have the return of an old problem where if I yawn real strong it affects some nerve some where and paralyzes my vocal cords and the right side of my neck. That hasn’t happened in months. I choked on a cracker and after getting that washed down a Tums that I took for the acid stomach. Both had not gone down the right path but lodged in the airway. I coughed and cleared my throat for quite a while.
By nine I just curled up in bed and told Cherie I was done for the night. She continued going through clothes in the closet until she got the message I was done and needed no lights and quiet. “I’ll just go in the other room and be quiet” she said and I asked her for my good night kiss. That was the end cause I conked out right away and don’t even remember when she came to bed.
We had gone to the Glendale Family Restaurant for dinner. We have learned to rush there immediately after Cherie gets off work to beat the crowd. Getting into the parking lot is like coming into pit row at a Nascar race as everyone else who comes for the fantastic food at unbelievable prices rushes in. We didn’t quite make it before the waiting list started but were only third or fourth on it. Seconds after we arrived the waiting room filled up. I was going to save some of the ribs I ordered and Cherie had planned to do the same with the chicken she ordered but it was so good we cleaned it up.
Then we ordered desert and both got this turtle cheese cake. It was one of the best cheesecakes I have ever had and as Cherie and I discussed that fact I made a comment that cracked us both up. A dangerous thing to do with a mouthful of food. In trying to describe this dessert I told Cherie it was like a taste orgasm with every bite. I ate so much I had a hard time walking and started having the powerful hiccups I call stomach lurches. These can be so strong they hurt and almost make me lose my food.
I was up and down all night and woke up at 4:30 or so. Right now I am operating at about a 6. I have to take Barb to the dentist this morning so must get going. Cherie just fixed some scrambled eggs and got me a glass of orange juice. I am blessed to have her in my life.
Oh yeah, while it is in my mind I need to write that I had Cherie call Sharon to see how she is doing. Sharon’s son Gary answered the phone and after carefully inquiring who it was gave it to his mom. Sharon was rather abrupt and the conversation did not last long. I feel bad for losing it with her and will write her a letter as I don’t trust myself not to get mad again if we talked.
Gotta get showered and out of here. I called Barb to make sure she was up. Basil answered and when I told him she was to go to the dentist he woke her up. Then I called Fred to let him know Barb was up so he wouldn’t call her and so I could get the package he had for her. When I knocked on the door and Fred answered he showed me a cardboard box with the top leaves taped up to increase the volume of the box. It was packed full to the top so I picked it up and headed out. “I’ll open the door for you” Fred said as I tried to get a hand free without dropping everything.
At Barb’s now and carried the box up to the door. She fought the cats to put the food in her fridge. I think she is up to six or seven now and one of them is again pregnant. I let Barb know that it was 49 degrees out so she needed a sweater or something warm and got her out to the car.
She kind of rambled a bit, telling me about one thing and then switching to another subject. I would make a comment on occasion but didn’t have much to say. As I listened I began to think about Barb, her life, her humanity. Her cats are the place she can love and feel, where she is safe and can have the emotions that were robbed when she lost her children. Like all of us she wants to belong and fit in, to have friends. She is locked into a place where fitting in can be dangerous.
I feel for her as I write this. I am in the parking lot of the dentist sitting in the Lincoln listening to jazz. The last time I was here it took Barb an hour and a half to get done. Typical Medicaid doctor in that she packs them in and runs as many through the mill as possible. I’m not real speedy but I can do stuff for the website without having to understand the software of the MS Office publishing program.
Just got started on that when Barb finally came out. We headed back to her place and as we passed a rummage sale she pointed it out to me. Then we passed another one and she was happy to see it. “Look Bob it’s a rummage sale” she said with the enthusiasm of a child who just saw something wonderous go by. “Do you have any money?” I asked her and when she said no I told her there was no sense in going then. That didn’t matter because now she was telling me what she could do with one of the pieces of furniture that was out on the lawn of the first sale. Describing in detail how she would put curtains on the front of this cabinet, dreaming of a life that could have been. She was talking to the window as we drove on, just speaking out loud as her eyes looked fixatedly at the vision in her mind.
I was sad as I watched her and now as I write of this. It renews my desire to make a difference in my world.
Cherie went to so some shopping so I have the house to myself and am hoping to get stuff done. I am still slow, maybe up to a seven but it is hard to tell. It is when I am around Cherie or some one else and have to interact I can get a clearer idea of how fast the brain is working. Typing helps me gauge this as my speed and accuracy vary widely depending of how efficiently this brain is working.
I was tired when I got back and the headache was coming so Cherie got me some aspirin and I took them with a Tramadol. Now the headache is here but I am not letting it win. I had to eat another Tums when I got here so the heartburn thing is back with a vengeance. Cherie will pick up some Pepsid at Sam’s Club because that seems to work well. I am going to take another Tums now with the hope it will help me concentrate on the work I must do to create the website.
Never got to work on the website, in fact that was pretty much the end of the day for me.
Friday, October 07, 2005
10705 Friday
10/7/05 Friday
I went to bed at 10:00 or so last night. Right now the only thing I remember after the last entry is the phone call with Sharon. Cherie had talked to her yesterday but didn’t tell what they talked about till after dinner. Sharon told her that the girl underneath her came to her door upset. The girl told Sharon that someone had called NPI and told them about the guy who had moved in with her and that she once had 12 people in an hour coming to her door. This comes at a bad time as Sharon is still going through withdrawals from Paxil, which was given to her to calm her nerves and help her not fixate on things.
She had worked herself up and after telling Cherie she was afraid for her life she said it was Wayne’s fault. “There’s no way Wayne would have known these things unless Bob had told him” she said. “Tell Bob that he is to no longer tell Wayne the things I tell you in private”. That was fine so far, I could deal with it but her next statement set me off. Cherie told me that Sharon was going to tell the girl it was Wayne who had reported her and give her his phone number.
Hearing this I instantly got up and headed for the phone. “She can’t do that. That’s not right. I have to call her now” I told Cherie as I dialed Sharon’s number. When Sharon came on I asked her “What’s going on Sharon”. She ran through the same things Cherie had told me so I told Sharon she was wrong to put this on Wayne. She told me all the reasons she was right as she argued with me. “Sharon you can’t endanger Wayne like that. Even if he did report it, your wrong to do this” She tells me that Wayne put her life in danger “Why should I be in danger because of him. He talks about you also. He says all kinds of things about you”.
She won’t listen to anything I say and I get irritated and then mad. I had already told her that the only thing I had told Wayne was the guy parked his Cadillac out front. I’d also explained that Wayne lived right next door to the girl and pretty much knew all this stuff. I think Wayne did tell Gary about it and wonder if Gary had gone to her directly instead of going through NPI management. If that were so it raises the possibility of Gary being in collusion with her and others. That is not unusual in an atmosphere of drugs, prostitution, and the money that goes with it.
I finally had enough when she went back to me telling Wayne every detail of her life. I told her she needs to get a grip and settle down and then just hung up. By now my voice had raised quite a bit and stayed angry after hanging up. “I’m tired of helping people” I told Cherie and then said I wouldn’t do anything for her anymore.
It took me a while to calm down and I understood she has a medication problem on top of her brain damage. I should have told her to take another Xanex and kept calm, that is hard with the emotional control issues I have from my TBI. Hell I started crying at an issue of gunsmoke I watched yesterday or some time near, I don’t know. This is always something that is hard for me to keep a handle on, you know the emotions.
So this and cooking a dinner that was real good is all I can recall of yesterday after the last entry. Now I can go back and read the journal and it will open the door for lots of yesterdays memories. Kinda like a key I can use to unlock things inaccessible otherwise. Now for today.
I woke up slowly, kinda tired but got going pretty fast. I asked Cherie if I had anything scheduled today. She said no so I relaxed a bit. I remembered I was to see Jeff for our weekly breakfast meeting because it has become a routine providing the repetition required for me to recall.
I pulled up to the Waffle house and could see Jeff already seated through the window. His first question after I had sat down was “Is this a good day today?”. That tells me he is reading the blog and it helps him understand what it’s like for me. “I’m doing good now, in fact real good. I don’t know how long it will last but this is what I call prime time” I replied and we were off.
I’m not sure that Jeff got to say much because I was mentally alive and loving it. We talked about the Bible study a little. He had it with him but I’m not sure he read it. When I told him that what I got from the parable was a lot different from the book they were studying he asks “How so” with a puzzled look on his face. I expounded of my take of this saying it was directed at the Pharisees so I think it refers to all religious leadership.
From that we moved to how Jeff was and we talked about marketing and sales and what he could do that was different. It was a great time of lucidity and I realized how much interaction with someone else stimulates my brain, wakes up that lazy bastard. I don’t get out much and visit and the small circle I do see regularly are often unstimulating regarding conversation. The short time with Jeff helps wake up a brain that grow fat and sluggish from not being used.
I asked Jeff if anyone from the home group said anything about me because I had sent notices out to lots of folks about the blog. I kind of hoped some of them would have cared enough to inquire and that they would show some of the compassion they talk about. I never wanted any thing other than a how are you doing on occasion. Makes me wonder if I am really that bad that they distance themselves so quick.
After that we went to leave and I noticed a Fed Ex semi with double trailers pulling up to the light. The back door of the front trailer was all the way open and it was packed to the roof with boxes. Another Fed Ex truck had pulled up behind him so I ran toward him yelling and waving my arms because he was closer. He had his windows up and didn’t see me till the light changed.
As they both started forward what I feared happened. A bunch of boxes tumbled out of the trailer and were consequently run over. The trucker behind him looked at me with that “what the hells wrong with him” look until I pointed to the run over boxes that were just appearing from the truck in front of him. I watched the look on his face as he struggled to identify and comprehend what he was about to run over. It dawned on him so he hit the brakes, almost causing the guy behind him to rear end him. He got on his radio and flagged down his compatriot whom I saw pulling over.
Then I went to pick up Cherie’s check and came home knowing I was going to get lots done because I was sharp. Fred called. “Are you ready?’ he asked. I hadn’t checked the calendar because Cherie said I didn’t have anything planned but come to find out I was to take Fred to get a haircut. He had forgot also so we got there late and had to reschedule. I took Fred to Radio shack, the Dollar Tree, and Deals till it was time for his haircut. After his haircut I drove him to see Helen where they exchange bags. She had made a big batch of chili for him and I don’t know what else, probably some more of what she cans. They talked for a while and then I took Fred to the Pharm where I acted as Fred’s eyes as I always do. He was more confused today than usual. He would pick up a can and I would tell him “That’s beefaroni” then he would get a can from the next basketful and I would say “That’s spaghetti o’s”. After that he went right back to the first basket and pick up the same can asking “What is this?”. It ran at about that level all through the store and we got in the check out line at last.
I was glad to get back home and now I am getting tired. It is 3:00 now and I ate a smoked sausage sandwich before I got to work on this journal. The back is in pain again as it always does when I sit at this laptop. I probably should take a nap.
I went to bed at 10:00 or so last night. Right now the only thing I remember after the last entry is the phone call with Sharon. Cherie had talked to her yesterday but didn’t tell what they talked about till after dinner. Sharon told her that the girl underneath her came to her door upset. The girl told Sharon that someone had called NPI and told them about the guy who had moved in with her and that she once had 12 people in an hour coming to her door. This comes at a bad time as Sharon is still going through withdrawals from Paxil, which was given to her to calm her nerves and help her not fixate on things.
She had worked herself up and after telling Cherie she was afraid for her life she said it was Wayne’s fault. “There’s no way Wayne would have known these things unless Bob had told him” she said. “Tell Bob that he is to no longer tell Wayne the things I tell you in private”. That was fine so far, I could deal with it but her next statement set me off. Cherie told me that Sharon was going to tell the girl it was Wayne who had reported her and give her his phone number.
Hearing this I instantly got up and headed for the phone. “She can’t do that. That’s not right. I have to call her now” I told Cherie as I dialed Sharon’s number. When Sharon came on I asked her “What’s going on Sharon”. She ran through the same things Cherie had told me so I told Sharon she was wrong to put this on Wayne. She told me all the reasons she was right as she argued with me. “Sharon you can’t endanger Wayne like that. Even if he did report it, your wrong to do this” She tells me that Wayne put her life in danger “Why should I be in danger because of him. He talks about you also. He says all kinds of things about you”.
She won’t listen to anything I say and I get irritated and then mad. I had already told her that the only thing I had told Wayne was the guy parked his Cadillac out front. I’d also explained that Wayne lived right next door to the girl and pretty much knew all this stuff. I think Wayne did tell Gary about it and wonder if Gary had gone to her directly instead of going through NPI management. If that were so it raises the possibility of Gary being in collusion with her and others. That is not unusual in an atmosphere of drugs, prostitution, and the money that goes with it.
I finally had enough when she went back to me telling Wayne every detail of her life. I told her she needs to get a grip and settle down and then just hung up. By now my voice had raised quite a bit and stayed angry after hanging up. “I’m tired of helping people” I told Cherie and then said I wouldn’t do anything for her anymore.
It took me a while to calm down and I understood she has a medication problem on top of her brain damage. I should have told her to take another Xanex and kept calm, that is hard with the emotional control issues I have from my TBI. Hell I started crying at an issue of gunsmoke I watched yesterday or some time near, I don’t know. This is always something that is hard for me to keep a handle on, you know the emotions.
So this and cooking a dinner that was real good is all I can recall of yesterday after the last entry. Now I can go back and read the journal and it will open the door for lots of yesterdays memories. Kinda like a key I can use to unlock things inaccessible otherwise. Now for today.
I woke up slowly, kinda tired but got going pretty fast. I asked Cherie if I had anything scheduled today. She said no so I relaxed a bit. I remembered I was to see Jeff for our weekly breakfast meeting because it has become a routine providing the repetition required for me to recall.
I pulled up to the Waffle house and could see Jeff already seated through the window. His first question after I had sat down was “Is this a good day today?”. That tells me he is reading the blog and it helps him understand what it’s like for me. “I’m doing good now, in fact real good. I don’t know how long it will last but this is what I call prime time” I replied and we were off.
I’m not sure that Jeff got to say much because I was mentally alive and loving it. We talked about the Bible study a little. He had it with him but I’m not sure he read it. When I told him that what I got from the parable was a lot different from the book they were studying he asks “How so” with a puzzled look on his face. I expounded of my take of this saying it was directed at the Pharisees so I think it refers to all religious leadership.
From that we moved to how Jeff was and we talked about marketing and sales and what he could do that was different. It was a great time of lucidity and I realized how much interaction with someone else stimulates my brain, wakes up that lazy bastard. I don’t get out much and visit and the small circle I do see regularly are often unstimulating regarding conversation. The short time with Jeff helps wake up a brain that grow fat and sluggish from not being used.
I asked Jeff if anyone from the home group said anything about me because I had sent notices out to lots of folks about the blog. I kind of hoped some of them would have cared enough to inquire and that they would show some of the compassion they talk about. I never wanted any thing other than a how are you doing on occasion. Makes me wonder if I am really that bad that they distance themselves so quick.
After that we went to leave and I noticed a Fed Ex semi with double trailers pulling up to the light. The back door of the front trailer was all the way open and it was packed to the roof with boxes. Another Fed Ex truck had pulled up behind him so I ran toward him yelling and waving my arms because he was closer. He had his windows up and didn’t see me till the light changed.
As they both started forward what I feared happened. A bunch of boxes tumbled out of the trailer and were consequently run over. The trucker behind him looked at me with that “what the hells wrong with him” look until I pointed to the run over boxes that were just appearing from the truck in front of him. I watched the look on his face as he struggled to identify and comprehend what he was about to run over. It dawned on him so he hit the brakes, almost causing the guy behind him to rear end him. He got on his radio and flagged down his compatriot whom I saw pulling over.
Then I went to pick up Cherie’s check and came home knowing I was going to get lots done because I was sharp. Fred called. “Are you ready?’ he asked. I hadn’t checked the calendar because Cherie said I didn’t have anything planned but come to find out I was to take Fred to get a haircut. He had forgot also so we got there late and had to reschedule. I took Fred to Radio shack, the Dollar Tree, and Deals till it was time for his haircut. After his haircut I drove him to see Helen where they exchange bags. She had made a big batch of chili for him and I don’t know what else, probably some more of what she cans. They talked for a while and then I took Fred to the Pharm where I acted as Fred’s eyes as I always do. He was more confused today than usual. He would pick up a can and I would tell him “That’s beefaroni” then he would get a can from the next basketful and I would say “That’s spaghetti o’s”. After that he went right back to the first basket and pick up the same can asking “What is this?”. It ran at about that level all through the store and we got in the check out line at last.
I was glad to get back home and now I am getting tired. It is 3:00 now and I ate a smoked sausage sandwich before I got to work on this journal. The back is in pain again as it always does when I sit at this laptop. I probably should take a nap.
The rest of Thursday
Sharon asked me to dig up info on lawyers who are suing Glaxosmithkline aver Paxil. I got almost a book of stuff I printed up for her. Lots of bad stuff about it. She will have to call the numbers herself as I can’t apply for her. Local lawyers seem to be as clueless as all the doctors she has talked to. Glaxo is still doing a good job of covering this up despite several lawsuits being settled. They are the number two in the nation regarding the sales of antidepressants at a billion or more a year. I think that if I take this pack of info to the lawyers we will fine one to take the case.
I got Barb to LMHA and she was done quickly. I called Fred because he had told her he wanted to take her to Crissey Rd thrift shop for the free old bread. I know that they don’t get the bread in till 12:00 or so if it comes in at all and I didn’t want to take Barb home and pick her up again. Fred seemed to have forgotten that and Barb didn’t want to go sit at Fred’s for three hours so I gave the phone to her so she could tell him. I then took her home and came home myself. Fred never called for me to take him and I didn’t call him either cause I feel it a long way to go for stale bread.
I ate lunch. Had the last enchilada that Cherie had made a couple of days ago. It was damn good. (pardon the French) A nice thing about short term memory loss is I didn’t remember what it tasted like so got to enjoy it for the first time again. I am tired which is to be expected when you get up at two in the morning. The brain has been in good shape all day. I think it is time for a nap but first I want to call Jim Davidson at probation to see if I can hurry this getting off probation thing. Tried earlier but it was busy.
Alright, that puts some bounce back into my step. Just talked to Jim and he told me the completion papers are done and he just put them on Julie’s desk. He said something about the judge already seeing them. I’m not sure what that means but it is good. Maybe I will be a free man soon. I am still tired but may work on the website because the brain is not bad. Got to use it while it is there. Either that or the Bible study.
Tried the website but it is confusing at the moment. Probably should take that nap.
I laid down but I couldn’t go to sleep so I turned on the TV and on PBS there was a history program that was covering the war of 1812. This returned many fond memories of the historical 1812 reenacting I did at Fort Miegs. I really miss it but couldn’t do it anymore.
Then I began to think of this getting off probation thing and wonder. Do I dare get my hopes up? I am kind of afraid the hammer will fall, like it did so many times before. Can’t let my guard down.
I finally got up and decided to take the garbage out. Actually I was walking to the kitchen and saw it where I had put it this morning and had forgotten about it so off I go. My legs seem strangely weak, probably because I was laying down. I’m still not up to speed but not to bad. I would say about a five or six. I took my second pill, one of the 100 ml. ones, at 1:50.
I got Barb to LMHA and she was done quickly. I called Fred because he had told her he wanted to take her to Crissey Rd thrift shop for the free old bread. I know that they don’t get the bread in till 12:00 or so if it comes in at all and I didn’t want to take Barb home and pick her up again. Fred seemed to have forgotten that and Barb didn’t want to go sit at Fred’s for three hours so I gave the phone to her so she could tell him. I then took her home and came home myself. Fred never called for me to take him and I didn’t call him either cause I feel it a long way to go for stale bread.
I ate lunch. Had the last enchilada that Cherie had made a couple of days ago. It was damn good. (pardon the French) A nice thing about short term memory loss is I didn’t remember what it tasted like so got to enjoy it for the first time again. I am tired which is to be expected when you get up at two in the morning. The brain has been in good shape all day. I think it is time for a nap but first I want to call Jim Davidson at probation to see if I can hurry this getting off probation thing. Tried earlier but it was busy.
Alright, that puts some bounce back into my step. Just talked to Jim and he told me the completion papers are done and he just put them on Julie’s desk. He said something about the judge already seeing them. I’m not sure what that means but it is good. Maybe I will be a free man soon. I am still tired but may work on the website because the brain is not bad. Got to use it while it is there. Either that or the Bible study.
Tried the website but it is confusing at the moment. Probably should take that nap.
I laid down but I couldn’t go to sleep so I turned on the TV and on PBS there was a history program that was covering the war of 1812. This returned many fond memories of the historical 1812 reenacting I did at Fort Miegs. I really miss it but couldn’t do it anymore.
Then I began to think of this getting off probation thing and wonder. Do I dare get my hopes up? I am kind of afraid the hammer will fall, like it did so many times before. Can’t let my guard down.
I finally got up and decided to take the garbage out. Actually I was walking to the kitchen and saw it where I had put it this morning and had forgotten about it so off I go. My legs seem strangely weak, probably because I was laying down. I’m still not up to speed but not to bad. I would say about a five or six. I took my second pill, one of the 100 ml. ones, at 1:50.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
10605 Thursday early
10/6/05 Thursday, early morning post
It is 1:52 in the morning. I just snapped awake with the fact I wasn’t able to publish the last entry to the blog on my mind. I was thinking it could be because I had run the virus scan and deleted cookies but as I waited for this laptop to power up realized I didn’t run that till after the problem. Don’t know what happened just that it said “error 5” every time I tried. It seemed to work fine this time so who knows. I was getting slow fast as this happened and get lost pretty easily at these times.
Still have the headache and back pain. Sitting at attention in front of this thing. I am sure it would make an interesting picture with me sitting down like a Westpoint cadet at this desk. Of course my lack of clothing would eliminate the word interesting but, hey it’s 2:00 in the morning so who cares.
Cherie just woke up and headed into the bathroom. This two in the morning thing probably doesn’t help her but when I asked if I woke her up she said “Honey I’m up and down all night”. This change of life she is going through is an incredible ordeal and she is toughing it out the hard way not taking the hormone pills so her body adjusts quicker.
I probably should try to go back to bed just to keep my clock right. The ears still ring but that comes and goes. I am not real speedy but much than last night. I crawled into bed at nine and just curled up refusing the urge to turn on the TV. I do remember Cherie waking me up for her goodnight kiss. I am blessed to have a woman so patient and understanding cause this instability makes me a sometimes difficult person to be around. I got a little snappy last night as I endured the sudden slow down.
I’ve been up an hour now. Still debating going back to bed but like to take advantage of when the brain works. I’m only operating at a 7 but after having the increased number of slow downs this is good. I have been able to do some basic stuff like asking to be listed by Toledo bloggers.
After much internal debate I decided to stay up and just put on a pot of Bob coffee. I also went to get my seizure pill and see I did not take my second one yesterday. This may or may not account for the slow down. I can’t remember for sure but I think I had decided to take the 150 ml pill instead of the 100. I had loaded the pill minder with one 150 and one 100 for each day and never switched it over. Got to keep up with this stuff. The pill minder is the only way I know if I took my medicine because I can’t remember these small events like taking a pill.
One of the reasons I stayed up is I remembered that I needed to finish writing about Ahmed. While it was uncomfortable enough for him to ask advise on how to ask American girls out and to question me about the girl downstairs that was not what really disturbed me. When he started talking about his religion and Iraq he became animated and his eyes really changed. I have seen this look before in the eyes of those who are fanatic about their subject whatever it may be.
We got on the subject as he expressed his feelings toward Mia, how he wanted a relationship. He quickly made the point he did not want sex because that is “illegal” in his religion. I said that my beliefs are similar about just going out and having sex with whomever. I asked what kind of a Moslem he is and that started him up. He said there is only one Moslem and that Americans don’t know anything about his religion. He went into detail saying there is only one God, one book the Koran, and one profit Mohammed. He went into details telling me that by the age of eleven children memorize 650,000 verses from the Koran. I doubled checked on that thinking his lack of mastery of the English language caused an error in that statement. Having seen a Koran I doubted the book could contain that many verses. He confirmed that was what he meant.
Then he explained why there were different sects such as Sunni and Shiite. He said they were all one but that there were five individuals who each were shown different things out of the same book, the Koran, and they had recorded what Allah had revealed to them. He didn’t use the word prophet for these five guys which I found interesting. Ahmed just said that there were different followers of each teacher. It is his opinion that the Koran is the most incredibly complex book that Allah can give hundreds of thousands of principals for all. Non Moslems can only have a shallow surface knowledge of this book because they couldn’t penetrate it’s true meanings. “I am Sunni” he said, finally answering my question.
I asked him why Moslems kill Moslems and that really got him going. He now began to show me a mindset that is scary because I realize that what he was now saying was sincerely believed by a large population of Moslems. He said Moslems do not kill Moslems, it was the CIA and United States that was doing the killing in order to cause a civil war in Iraq because we lost the war. He espoused that he absolutely knew this was true and had proof. Claiming that Americans were fed false information and that nothing on the news is true he asked “Did you know that just a few weeks ago American soldiers were caught with a car bomb? You didn’t hear that did you?” This “fact” was his proof we are all being fooled and manipulated by our government.
I looked at Ahmed and said that in every war governments would spread stories that were designed to inflame the people, thus creating fear and anger at how they were wronged by the enemy. “Do you think you can believe a lie?” I asked. This set him back for about two seconds and recovering he returned to his tirade. Now he told me that Zarcowi (however you spell his name) did not exist at all. He was created by the CIA. The real Zarcowi had been jailed many years ago in Palestine for some minor criminal offence and then taken out by British soldiers and shot.
Bin Laden was just a man who collected money for the CIA. That is all he ever was but he was betrayed by them and is now used as propaganda to further the goals of the U.S.. Then Ahmed got onto Saddam Hussein. “Where do you think he got the poison gas he used?”. He worked for the CIA also. The US put him into power.
I understand now why things are so hard for us in Iraq. These stories are in wide circulation among the Sunni Moslems and probably among the other sects of Mohammed also, though I suspect not to the same degree. We are the great Satan to this part of the world which is in the grip of this false image. I expect to hear more when Ahmed returns from driving his truck as he does every weekend. He had checked himself several times as we talked, starting to say something and then stopping as he carefully watched my face. I will encourage him to speak more of these things as I want to get a better picture of this mindset. I will resist asking him why he came here from Lebanon if he thinks so little of this country. It may be wise to keep on good terms with him. He is a nice guy but the potential for trouble is high. Rushing to judgment is wrong and would only confirm his opinion of this country. The more I know the better I am able to assess a situation.
I think I will look on the net for information. I have seen on the Christian station former Moslems who have converted to Christianity and had much insight on this religion. Personally I think that religion has been used as an excuse to steal, kill, and destroy for the entire history of man. Nah, I don’t think that I know it, and Christianity is high on that list. That is why I don’t believe in “religion” per se. I am spiritual and think there is a God, at least I hope there is, and that all life is connected and has God as it’s source. For more on this you will have to visit the other blog I will be creating, maybe today if I can.
It is 1:52 in the morning. I just snapped awake with the fact I wasn’t able to publish the last entry to the blog on my mind. I was thinking it could be because I had run the virus scan and deleted cookies but as I waited for this laptop to power up realized I didn’t run that till after the problem. Don’t know what happened just that it said “error 5” every time I tried. It seemed to work fine this time so who knows. I was getting slow fast as this happened and get lost pretty easily at these times.
Still have the headache and back pain. Sitting at attention in front of this thing. I am sure it would make an interesting picture with me sitting down like a Westpoint cadet at this desk. Of course my lack of clothing would eliminate the word interesting but, hey it’s 2:00 in the morning so who cares.
Cherie just woke up and headed into the bathroom. This two in the morning thing probably doesn’t help her but when I asked if I woke her up she said “Honey I’m up and down all night”. This change of life she is going through is an incredible ordeal and she is toughing it out the hard way not taking the hormone pills so her body adjusts quicker.
I probably should try to go back to bed just to keep my clock right. The ears still ring but that comes and goes. I am not real speedy but much than last night. I crawled into bed at nine and just curled up refusing the urge to turn on the TV. I do remember Cherie waking me up for her goodnight kiss. I am blessed to have a woman so patient and understanding cause this instability makes me a sometimes difficult person to be around. I got a little snappy last night as I endured the sudden slow down.
I’ve been up an hour now. Still debating going back to bed but like to take advantage of when the brain works. I’m only operating at a 7 but after having the increased number of slow downs this is good. I have been able to do some basic stuff like asking to be listed by Toledo bloggers.
After much internal debate I decided to stay up and just put on a pot of Bob coffee. I also went to get my seizure pill and see I did not take my second one yesterday. This may or may not account for the slow down. I can’t remember for sure but I think I had decided to take the 150 ml pill instead of the 100. I had loaded the pill minder with one 150 and one 100 for each day and never switched it over. Got to keep up with this stuff. The pill minder is the only way I know if I took my medicine because I can’t remember these small events like taking a pill.
One of the reasons I stayed up is I remembered that I needed to finish writing about Ahmed. While it was uncomfortable enough for him to ask advise on how to ask American girls out and to question me about the girl downstairs that was not what really disturbed me. When he started talking about his religion and Iraq he became animated and his eyes really changed. I have seen this look before in the eyes of those who are fanatic about their subject whatever it may be.
We got on the subject as he expressed his feelings toward Mia, how he wanted a relationship. He quickly made the point he did not want sex because that is “illegal” in his religion. I said that my beliefs are similar about just going out and having sex with whomever. I asked what kind of a Moslem he is and that started him up. He said there is only one Moslem and that Americans don’t know anything about his religion. He went into detail saying there is only one God, one book the Koran, and one profit Mohammed. He went into details telling me that by the age of eleven children memorize 650,000 verses from the Koran. I doubled checked on that thinking his lack of mastery of the English language caused an error in that statement. Having seen a Koran I doubted the book could contain that many verses. He confirmed that was what he meant.
Then he explained why there were different sects such as Sunni and Shiite. He said they were all one but that there were five individuals who each were shown different things out of the same book, the Koran, and they had recorded what Allah had revealed to them. He didn’t use the word prophet for these five guys which I found interesting. Ahmed just said that there were different followers of each teacher. It is his opinion that the Koran is the most incredibly complex book that Allah can give hundreds of thousands of principals for all. Non Moslems can only have a shallow surface knowledge of this book because they couldn’t penetrate it’s true meanings. “I am Sunni” he said, finally answering my question.
I asked him why Moslems kill Moslems and that really got him going. He now began to show me a mindset that is scary because I realize that what he was now saying was sincerely believed by a large population of Moslems. He said Moslems do not kill Moslems, it was the CIA and United States that was doing the killing in order to cause a civil war in Iraq because we lost the war. He espoused that he absolutely knew this was true and had proof. Claiming that Americans were fed false information and that nothing on the news is true he asked “Did you know that just a few weeks ago American soldiers were caught with a car bomb? You didn’t hear that did you?” This “fact” was his proof we are all being fooled and manipulated by our government.
I looked at Ahmed and said that in every war governments would spread stories that were designed to inflame the people, thus creating fear and anger at how they were wronged by the enemy. “Do you think you can believe a lie?” I asked. This set him back for about two seconds and recovering he returned to his tirade. Now he told me that Zarcowi (however you spell his name) did not exist at all. He was created by the CIA. The real Zarcowi had been jailed many years ago in Palestine for some minor criminal offence and then taken out by British soldiers and shot.
Bin Laden was just a man who collected money for the CIA. That is all he ever was but he was betrayed by them and is now used as propaganda to further the goals of the U.S.. Then Ahmed got onto Saddam Hussein. “Where do you think he got the poison gas he used?”. He worked for the CIA also. The US put him into power.
I understand now why things are so hard for us in Iraq. These stories are in wide circulation among the Sunni Moslems and probably among the other sects of Mohammed also, though I suspect not to the same degree. We are the great Satan to this part of the world which is in the grip of this false image. I expect to hear more when Ahmed returns from driving his truck as he does every weekend. He had checked himself several times as we talked, starting to say something and then stopping as he carefully watched my face. I will encourage him to speak more of these things as I want to get a better picture of this mindset. I will resist asking him why he came here from Lebanon if he thinks so little of this country. It may be wise to keep on good terms with him. He is a nice guy but the potential for trouble is high. Rushing to judgment is wrong and would only confirm his opinion of this country. The more I know the better I am able to assess a situation.
I think I will look on the net for information. I have seen on the Christian station former Moslems who have converted to Christianity and had much insight on this religion. Personally I think that religion has been used as an excuse to steal, kill, and destroy for the entire history of man. Nah, I don’t think that I know it, and Christianity is high on that list. That is why I don’t believe in “religion” per se. I am spiritual and think there is a God, at least I hope there is, and that all life is connected and has God as it’s source. For more on this you will have to visit the other blog I will be creating, maybe today if I can.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
10505 Wednesday
10/5/05 Wednesday
Feeling like I went through a wringer. Still slow but not as bad as yesterday. Maybe a five. Maybe worse. Still waking up and the headache is making sure I don’t forget it is there. Cherie was on her last minute rush again and was trying to take care of the bills that she should have done this weekend. I said something about how she should have worked on them before she spent hours surfing the net but that upset her and she said her brain worked better in the morning. It might work better but it still works at night. How can I get through to her to not wait till the last minute, to schedule or at least prioritize needed things. Don’t know. I guess I am at a 4 because typing is hard. I keep pushing the wrong buttons and am in slow motion.
Today I take Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. I don’t know if I will take this laptop to work on the website cause unless I sharpen up I doubt I will be able to do much. I will check E mail now.
Jeanie sent a message. It is the small things like a how ya doing that help so much. Helps fight the loneliness and depression. She liked the picture of the woodcarving I finally figured out how to post. It is just a regular post so will go down the line each day till it no longer shows up except in the archives. Now I need to figure how to make it a part of the profile thing so it has a permanent place up front. My head is thick. Wish it would clear up. I fixed an omelet and took my pills. I think I will grab some aspirin and a tramadol for the headache. I am glad for spell check cause I keep misspelling simple words.
Don’t even want to hear the easy listening music that is usually soothing, just as much quiet as I can get. Every noise is there even the hum of the computer and the traffic on the turnpike plus cars outside. The school bus sounded like a freight train. Great, I have all the symptoms of a hangover and I don’t drink except a glass of wine with dinner. Just so you know that was Saturday. Or maybe Thursday or Friday. I would have to look in the journal to see. I remember grilling the New York Strip steak but this brain can’t seem to put a time tag on these memories. It is one of the anomalies of my brain injury. One of the reasons I do the blog is to help others understand the confusing things of traumatic brain injury (TBI) so they can better accept those who have it, not reject them as so many have me. Of course when it is those who claim the title of Christian it hurts worse. When one of their core tenants is love, that is defined in first Corinthians 13 as long suffering, kind, not envious, not puffed up, not rude, doesn’t seek it’s own, not provoked, thinks no evil, loves the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, and they tell you not to come by when you ask for help and emotional support it seems like a definition of hypocrisy. They love when it is convenient but not when it is uncomfortable. I am sure they will be offended if they read this which in and of itself violates this tenant.
Enough of that. Sharon called and she is at the Zeph center because of the problems Paxil is causing and I need to get her early so I can get her new prescription. Now I am at LMHA with Sharon. I have improved dramatically since this morning. Poor Sharon is a mess from this Paxil withdrawal. She had to call an ambulance and go to the emergency ward because she was falling apart, thinking homicidal thoughts, and just generally getting confused, unable to even prepare meals.
I took her to James pharmacy to get the prescription they gave her to help settle her down. I talked to her and could see how bad she was. She worried about everything and id just stressed to the max. She took all the information I had downloaded for her on Paxil and showed it to her doctor at the Zeph Center. This doctor was amazed that none of the drug company sales reps had said anything about this issue despite the fact that Smith Beecham Kline stopped making the drug and everyone who can’t get it will suffer withdrawals that can be so bad they lead to suicide. This is the cleverness of billion dollar corporations for they know that the pharmacists will just fill the prescriptions with the generics. Doctors will still prescribe Paxil because they don’t have a clue despite S.B.K. knowing since 1993 that the drug had some serious problems. This way they shunt the problem to the manufacturers who make the generic version of the same drug.
It is 3:00. I have been on the move for some time now and am beginning to tire. I took Fred shopping after I took Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. She forgot the packet of paperwork and proof of income she had filled out for this. She asked me to go in with her because of the mental instability she is suffering from. The case worker gave her a new packet to fill out and I had to help her because she had difficulties understanding basic questions. We got it all done and I talked to the case worker about the drugs and prostitution at NPI properties. She said there was nothing she could do and told us the hoops anyone has to jump through to move.
I am going to have to take something for the headache and eat something. Probably should take my second seizure pill. Yawning like crazy and I think I will take a short nap. I am to cook dinner tonight so will have to make sure I get up in time. The cat is incessantly demanding attention.
I cooked dinner and it was not real good. Matter of fact it was nasty. As much as I hate to waste this ended up in the trash. At least the flan I cooked yesterday was terrific. Hey you win some and you throw the rest away. I always have room for improvement but all things considered I think I am a good house husband.
Today my back pain is worse than usual. I suppose I am doing good for having broken the back once and my neck three different times. It would help if I exercised and lost some weight. There was something I was going to write about when I sat down but it is gone now. I am getting that dizzy feeling and slowing down a bit. I laid down because of the pain. May be done for the night.
Never did figure out how to get this Outlook program to work. Still haven’t even figured out how to sign up for Hotmail. I never heard from my sons. That hurts. I don’t know what or why when it comes to them and don’t want to push. If they don’t want to have anything to do with me it is their decision. I won’t try to force myself on them. It would be nice to know one way or the other. They may just be busy. I know Bruce was going to take some urban warfare training in preparation for his return to Iraq. I would like to see him before he goes.
My ears are ringing now. A precursor to the slow down along with equilibrium. Really slowing down. Typing in slow motion and have to look at the keys. I quit.
Feeling like I went through a wringer. Still slow but not as bad as yesterday. Maybe a five. Maybe worse. Still waking up and the headache is making sure I don’t forget it is there. Cherie was on her last minute rush again and was trying to take care of the bills that she should have done this weekend. I said something about how she should have worked on them before she spent hours surfing the net but that upset her and she said her brain worked better in the morning. It might work better but it still works at night. How can I get through to her to not wait till the last minute, to schedule or at least prioritize needed things. Don’t know. I guess I am at a 4 because typing is hard. I keep pushing the wrong buttons and am in slow motion.
Today I take Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. I don’t know if I will take this laptop to work on the website cause unless I sharpen up I doubt I will be able to do much. I will check E mail now.
Jeanie sent a message. It is the small things like a how ya doing that help so much. Helps fight the loneliness and depression. She liked the picture of the woodcarving I finally figured out how to post. It is just a regular post so will go down the line each day till it no longer shows up except in the archives. Now I need to figure how to make it a part of the profile thing so it has a permanent place up front. My head is thick. Wish it would clear up. I fixed an omelet and took my pills. I think I will grab some aspirin and a tramadol for the headache. I am glad for spell check cause I keep misspelling simple words.
Don’t even want to hear the easy listening music that is usually soothing, just as much quiet as I can get. Every noise is there even the hum of the computer and the traffic on the turnpike plus cars outside. The school bus sounded like a freight train. Great, I have all the symptoms of a hangover and I don’t drink except a glass of wine with dinner. Just so you know that was Saturday. Or maybe Thursday or Friday. I would have to look in the journal to see. I remember grilling the New York Strip steak but this brain can’t seem to put a time tag on these memories. It is one of the anomalies of my brain injury. One of the reasons I do the blog is to help others understand the confusing things of traumatic brain injury (TBI) so they can better accept those who have it, not reject them as so many have me. Of course when it is those who claim the title of Christian it hurts worse. When one of their core tenants is love, that is defined in first Corinthians 13 as long suffering, kind, not envious, not puffed up, not rude, doesn’t seek it’s own, not provoked, thinks no evil, loves the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, and they tell you not to come by when you ask for help and emotional support it seems like a definition of hypocrisy. They love when it is convenient but not when it is uncomfortable. I am sure they will be offended if they read this which in and of itself violates this tenant.
Enough of that. Sharon called and she is at the Zeph center because of the problems Paxil is causing and I need to get her early so I can get her new prescription. Now I am at LMHA with Sharon. I have improved dramatically since this morning. Poor Sharon is a mess from this Paxil withdrawal. She had to call an ambulance and go to the emergency ward because she was falling apart, thinking homicidal thoughts, and just generally getting confused, unable to even prepare meals.
I took her to James pharmacy to get the prescription they gave her to help settle her down. I talked to her and could see how bad she was. She worried about everything and id just stressed to the max. She took all the information I had downloaded for her on Paxil and showed it to her doctor at the Zeph Center. This doctor was amazed that none of the drug company sales reps had said anything about this issue despite the fact that Smith Beecham Kline stopped making the drug and everyone who can’t get it will suffer withdrawals that can be so bad they lead to suicide. This is the cleverness of billion dollar corporations for they know that the pharmacists will just fill the prescriptions with the generics. Doctors will still prescribe Paxil because they don’t have a clue despite S.B.K. knowing since 1993 that the drug had some serious problems. This way they shunt the problem to the manufacturers who make the generic version of the same drug.
It is 3:00. I have been on the move for some time now and am beginning to tire. I took Fred shopping after I took Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. She forgot the packet of paperwork and proof of income she had filled out for this. She asked me to go in with her because of the mental instability she is suffering from. The case worker gave her a new packet to fill out and I had to help her because she had difficulties understanding basic questions. We got it all done and I talked to the case worker about the drugs and prostitution at NPI properties. She said there was nothing she could do and told us the hoops anyone has to jump through to move.
I am going to have to take something for the headache and eat something. Probably should take my second seizure pill. Yawning like crazy and I think I will take a short nap. I am to cook dinner tonight so will have to make sure I get up in time. The cat is incessantly demanding attention.
I cooked dinner and it was not real good. Matter of fact it was nasty. As much as I hate to waste this ended up in the trash. At least the flan I cooked yesterday was terrific. Hey you win some and you throw the rest away. I always have room for improvement but all things considered I think I am a good house husband.
Today my back pain is worse than usual. I suppose I am doing good for having broken the back once and my neck three different times. It would help if I exercised and lost some weight. There was something I was going to write about when I sat down but it is gone now. I am getting that dizzy feeling and slowing down a bit. I laid down because of the pain. May be done for the night.
Never did figure out how to get this Outlook program to work. Still haven’t even figured out how to sign up for Hotmail. I never heard from my sons. That hurts. I don’t know what or why when it comes to them and don’t want to push. If they don’t want to have anything to do with me it is their decision. I won’t try to force myself on them. It would be nice to know one way or the other. They may just be busy. I know Bruce was going to take some urban warfare training in preparation for his return to Iraq. I would like to see him before he goes.
My ears are ringing now. A precursor to the slow down along with equilibrium. Really slowing down. Typing in slow motion and have to look at the keys. I quit.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Second part of Tuesday
Cherie came home and I had her read this journal to explain what had happened. It is often clearer and easier to have her read instead of trying to verbalize things. We went to the bank to have the photo ticket notarized so it can be sent in and it will be in my name. The banker recognized us but of course I didn’t recognize her. She is one of those who I told our story to and remembered it well. I told her about the blog and wrote down the address.
I am slowing down now. Cherie says that often happens when I get angry. Barb is supposed to call me when her check comes in so I can take her to the grocery store. I won’t answer the phone because I really don’t think I need to be out there and don’t want to explain why. She will call Fred then who will call me. He had wanted to get a haircut today but I told him no because I already had Wayne scheduled. I am sure he sees that his car has not moved today so may be upset I didn’t take him for a hair cut. I really don’t want to deal with all that so will hide here in the apartment.
As much as I hate to take pills I think I will have to take a pain pill cause the back is getting pretty bad. Of course they are non narcotic pills and is really just a prescription Alieve so don’t do much. The headache is coming with a vengeance also of course. This is beginning to look like a pretty rough afternoon. Chest kinda hurts so will take an aspirin also.
I am real slow now. I took my second seizure pill and am trying the 150 milligram ones. I have to wonder if that is causing me to feel doped up. Wish I could remember good enough to track this. I know I record my slow downs as much as possible so should check to see if they happen at the same times. If they are it may indicate a problem. Problem is I can’t remember good enough to tell doctors. Ears are ringing. This sucks. Oh yeah should put down the time. It is 3:43 now and I think I took the pill at 2:00 or so. Hate pills especially if dependant on them. The right leg is especially numb and I am having a hard time walking.
It is hard to help others like Wayne because of this. Keep getting lost and forgetting what I am doing.
I was trying to figure out how to use the MS Outlook program. Many of the E mail response things on websites and now blogs require this. They automatically bring this up when you push their send E mail button. I keep filling it out but can never get it to send. There was no send button. When I pulled up the Outlook program I have, that came with the MS Office I paid bucks for, I saw a list of the mails I have tried to send over a long period of time. It took me a long time to get to the place in help that told me I need to register a server. It talked about POP 3 and other stuff I am clueless about. I did find where it said I can’t use the free Yahoo only the one you have to pay for. There was a whole list of servers that work but the only one I remember was MSN so I will go look at that now.
It is real frustrating when I can’t even do something as simple as signing up for a free hotmail account. Tried several times but couldn’t understand the mistake messages. I think I will quit now. Maybe Cherie can help when she gets home. At times like this I just want to go hide in my bed and hope it gets better but I won’t. I think I will look up the recipe on flan and try to cook. Focusing on that may help. The headache never went away and has grown to the point it is in the way. I usually am good at ignoring it. Will put on some gentle music.
This has been one of the roughest days I have had in a while. I was at stuttering level about a 2. I’m a little better but not much, maybe at a four. I did manage to make the flan and it is the oven now. It was hard to do and I had to ask Cherie for help a few times. I can’t figure out what to write so will check E mail. Just staring at the screen.
I am slowing down now. Cherie says that often happens when I get angry. Barb is supposed to call me when her check comes in so I can take her to the grocery store. I won’t answer the phone because I really don’t think I need to be out there and don’t want to explain why. She will call Fred then who will call me. He had wanted to get a haircut today but I told him no because I already had Wayne scheduled. I am sure he sees that his car has not moved today so may be upset I didn’t take him for a hair cut. I really don’t want to deal with all that so will hide here in the apartment.
As much as I hate to take pills I think I will have to take a pain pill cause the back is getting pretty bad. Of course they are non narcotic pills and is really just a prescription Alieve so don’t do much. The headache is coming with a vengeance also of course. This is beginning to look like a pretty rough afternoon. Chest kinda hurts so will take an aspirin also.
I am real slow now. I took my second seizure pill and am trying the 150 milligram ones. I have to wonder if that is causing me to feel doped up. Wish I could remember good enough to track this. I know I record my slow downs as much as possible so should check to see if they happen at the same times. If they are it may indicate a problem. Problem is I can’t remember good enough to tell doctors. Ears are ringing. This sucks. Oh yeah should put down the time. It is 3:43 now and I think I took the pill at 2:00 or so. Hate pills especially if dependant on them. The right leg is especially numb and I am having a hard time walking.
It is hard to help others like Wayne because of this. Keep getting lost and forgetting what I am doing.
I was trying to figure out how to use the MS Outlook program. Many of the E mail response things on websites and now blogs require this. They automatically bring this up when you push their send E mail button. I keep filling it out but can never get it to send. There was no send button. When I pulled up the Outlook program I have, that came with the MS Office I paid bucks for, I saw a list of the mails I have tried to send over a long period of time. It took me a long time to get to the place in help that told me I need to register a server. It talked about POP 3 and other stuff I am clueless about. I did find where it said I can’t use the free Yahoo only the one you have to pay for. There was a whole list of servers that work but the only one I remember was MSN so I will go look at that now.
It is real frustrating when I can’t even do something as simple as signing up for a free hotmail account. Tried several times but couldn’t understand the mistake messages. I think I will quit now. Maybe Cherie can help when she gets home. At times like this I just want to go hide in my bed and hope it gets better but I won’t. I think I will look up the recipe on flan and try to cook. Focusing on that may help. The headache never went away and has grown to the point it is in the way. I usually am good at ignoring it. Will put on some gentle music.
This has been one of the roughest days I have had in a while. I was at stuttering level about a 2. I’m a little better but not much, maybe at a four. I did manage to make the flan and it is the oven now. It was hard to do and I had to ask Cherie for help a few times. I can’t figure out what to write so will check E mail. Just staring at the screen.
My philosophy
I carved this while recovering in St Louis from the accident. It sums up how I now view life.
10405 Tuesday
10/4/05 Tuesday
It is 4:10 in the morning now. I woke up at 2:00 and now at 4:00. I had one of those vivid complex dreams that seem like an entire movie in length. I also have that rare sensation of hunger. What that says about what this brain is up to I haven’t a clue. It’s just another area that works when it wants to.
Back to the dream. This one seemed to supply a complete background history with it. All the memories were available for it. I was at a medical university hospital being trained. I had a good relationship with everyone. I had left to chase a dream or other opportunity. There had been an offer to go to a nationally televised comedy show where I was to be the butt of the jokes. That wasn’t bad as it paid well and got me into the industry. I ended up going to another medical facility to do the same kind of work I had done at the first.
There was a strange interlude that did not fit the rest of the dream. I was slogging down a shallow river trying to get to a building in a town that looked like it came out of the set of a wild west movie. Then the water went away and I was walking on the muddy river bed which was also the main street. I had the impression that this river was dammed up every day to clean the street. I didn’t get to my destination before the dam was released so was still walking down the street when the water came rushing back. Now I struggled through the rushing water to get to the boardwalk.
The next thing I know I am walking into the intake area of the first hospital I had worked at. It is like a big garage bay and was being cleaned up. There were not many people there but the ones who were there were in their lab coats and busily cleaning and organizing the place. As I walked in it was like I had been gone for a year or two. I looked for familiar faces and someone I was walking by looked at me and slowly recognized me. Then it got out that I was back and others I had been friends with began to come in to welcome me. One brought a sword I had made for him to show me he had been taking care of it and was both proud and happy I had given it to him. Others followed suit so I was feeling like I was coming home and these were friends I missed.
Then the head doctor who had been running the training part of this facility came in. He too was happy to see me and shook my hand with a welcoming smile on his face. We talked and he looked closely at my face and I saw his expression as he realized I might have come by for more than just a visit. He gently broached the possibility that I might wish to return to my former position. I had been unsure I would be accepted but was happy when he confirmed my hope he would allow me back into the program. He did have one condition, that I not bring the big box of tools that I had apparently kept there before. This was fine so we talked of the TV opportunity and he laughed when I told him I was going to make $80,000 a year. “Their were going to rob you at that price” he said and I realized he was right. Then I woke up.
It is unusual to remember this much of a dream. The last time I got up this early I was back in bed by 8:00 AM and tired much of the day after that. I think I will fix a bowl of cereal and take my pill then return to bed and wait till Cherie gets up for work so I can watch the news. I am scheduled to take Wayne to the veteran’s service commission for a food voucher this morning. I keep trying to keep my back straight as I type so the pain does not increase to the point it interferes with this activity but I keep drifting into the slouch.
It is 8:00 now and Cherie just left for work running late as she often does. I seem to be doing very well and hope it stays that way. I need to gas up Fred’s car today so will get on the net to look up the lowest prices. As usual I let the gas go lower in the tank when it is my turn to fill it. Fred wanted me to fill at ¾ of a tank but I still want to bear the brunt of the gas so will only do that when it is his turn.
Jan sent me an E mail yesterday that had some news which was kind of sad and a vindication at the same time. The prison ministry at Cedar Creek has evidently foundered and may no longer exist. She didn’t give details just a short note. This ministry was for me the start of a series of events that had hurt Cherie and I so much. I had been asked and actually voted in to lead the outreach to those in prison. Then someone in leadership at the church felt that her toes were stepped on because I did not go through proper procedures to take that position. I got upset about this and that is a no no in Cedar Creek. They rushed to put someone in that position who evidently was part of the inside group. I really don’t know. Kelly, the person they rushed in, is a sweetheart and we met with her and her husband. While she was impressive as an administrator she wasn’t a leader who could inspire and motivate and is more geared to social work, not ministry of this sort. I hope she isn’t offended by this and I stress it is only my personal opinion and have been wrong many times. As always I encourage any one to put their side in the comments area and if they wish I will publish it on the blog. Regardless the results speak for themselves.
Enough of that. When the brain works I may write too much. I just called Wayne to check on taking him to the veterans commission for a food voucher. He is doing poorly this morning with increased pain and weakness. When I took him to Kroger’s yesterday he had a hard time and for the first time I remember had to sit down on his walker several times to rest. I hope the MS isn’t in aggravation mode where it increases the damage it causes. It is a shame Wayne can’t get the new medications for MS that help others so much but if your poor and on Medicaid you get only enough to keep you alive, especially in Ohio. I will take Wayne later today. He wanted to put it off till Thursday but that day is full on my calendar.
I suppose I should fix breakfast and get moving so I can make use of this prime time while it is here. I turned off the TV. I was thinking the other day that I bitch about having to spend these times of high lucidity driving folks around but I spend some of that time in front of the Zombie vision. Need to make better use of my time and complain less. Time to get moving.
Got all my get ready stuff done except getting dressed. It is getting warm and I just turned on the air. I sweat like crazy when it is warm and have since the injury. I figure it is something connected to the TBI cause Cherie tells me I always feel like I have a fever. I know that cold really doesn’t bother me but heat does. Of course the Bob coffee I am drinking contributes to the sweating.
I just called my probation officer, Julie. I am just a little upset. On August 22 I had gone in for my monthly visit and we talked about my community service hours. I gave her copies of the documentation I turn in for those hours and explained that by next week I will have exceeded the court requirement. I explained to her that my grandmother was not going to live long and that I would like to get free from this probation as soon as possible so I could go to Texas to be with her. I even gave her a copy of the E mail Virginia sent telling of how Minnie Lee was going down hill and they did not know how long she would last. She promised to get the hours submitted right away so it can go through the paperwork mill and get credited. When I saw her a month later she apologized for not starting any of this paperwork. I told her that I had exceeded the requirements by far and she assured me she would get on it.
Now she tells me that she still has not started any of the paperwork because she was sick for two days with a bladder infection and had just got back to work today. Then she promises again to get on it because she is leaving on vacation on the seventh which is three days away. I again explained my need to get this done and practically begged her to do so. She says she will get an intern to help her do it today but then goes into the same spiel she went into the last time about how long it takes the court clerks to do their paperwork. Then she started telling me that I am not high on her priority list because she has more important things to do like reports to the court.
What am I to do? If I make waves by calling her boss or writing the judge I fear retribution. This has happened before to me and after being put into jail for a month with no charges ever being filed I feel helpless. Anything I say will be treated with the disdain almost all in the justice system have for anyone convicted of a crime. It is like I have a gun to my head and don’t dare complain. I can’t afford a lawyer and if I could I would have been done with this long ago and perhaps could have appealed this conviction for a crime I never committed. It is time to get on building the website because it will expose much of this history.
I just called Wayne and asked him about skipping taking him to the Veterans place. He said it was fine cause he didn’t feel to hot. I tried to explain this to him but he had a hard time following and seemed pretty confused thinking I was talking about my grandmother when I was explaining my probation officer had not started the paperwork. Getting upset I decided it best to end the call before this lack of emotional control that comes with my TBI kicked in. Actually it already is so I better stay inside and avoid contact with others because the fuse is real short. God help me.
It is 4:10 in the morning now. I woke up at 2:00 and now at 4:00. I had one of those vivid complex dreams that seem like an entire movie in length. I also have that rare sensation of hunger. What that says about what this brain is up to I haven’t a clue. It’s just another area that works when it wants to.
Back to the dream. This one seemed to supply a complete background history with it. All the memories were available for it. I was at a medical university hospital being trained. I had a good relationship with everyone. I had left to chase a dream or other opportunity. There had been an offer to go to a nationally televised comedy show where I was to be the butt of the jokes. That wasn’t bad as it paid well and got me into the industry. I ended up going to another medical facility to do the same kind of work I had done at the first.
There was a strange interlude that did not fit the rest of the dream. I was slogging down a shallow river trying to get to a building in a town that looked like it came out of the set of a wild west movie. Then the water went away and I was walking on the muddy river bed which was also the main street. I had the impression that this river was dammed up every day to clean the street. I didn’t get to my destination before the dam was released so was still walking down the street when the water came rushing back. Now I struggled through the rushing water to get to the boardwalk.
The next thing I know I am walking into the intake area of the first hospital I had worked at. It is like a big garage bay and was being cleaned up. There were not many people there but the ones who were there were in their lab coats and busily cleaning and organizing the place. As I walked in it was like I had been gone for a year or two. I looked for familiar faces and someone I was walking by looked at me and slowly recognized me. Then it got out that I was back and others I had been friends with began to come in to welcome me. One brought a sword I had made for him to show me he had been taking care of it and was both proud and happy I had given it to him. Others followed suit so I was feeling like I was coming home and these were friends I missed.
Then the head doctor who had been running the training part of this facility came in. He too was happy to see me and shook my hand with a welcoming smile on his face. We talked and he looked closely at my face and I saw his expression as he realized I might have come by for more than just a visit. He gently broached the possibility that I might wish to return to my former position. I had been unsure I would be accepted but was happy when he confirmed my hope he would allow me back into the program. He did have one condition, that I not bring the big box of tools that I had apparently kept there before. This was fine so we talked of the TV opportunity and he laughed when I told him I was going to make $80,000 a year. “Their were going to rob you at that price” he said and I realized he was right. Then I woke up.
It is unusual to remember this much of a dream. The last time I got up this early I was back in bed by 8:00 AM and tired much of the day after that. I think I will fix a bowl of cereal and take my pill then return to bed and wait till Cherie gets up for work so I can watch the news. I am scheduled to take Wayne to the veteran’s service commission for a food voucher this morning. I keep trying to keep my back straight as I type so the pain does not increase to the point it interferes with this activity but I keep drifting into the slouch.
It is 8:00 now and Cherie just left for work running late as she often does. I seem to be doing very well and hope it stays that way. I need to gas up Fred’s car today so will get on the net to look up the lowest prices. As usual I let the gas go lower in the tank when it is my turn to fill it. Fred wanted me to fill at ¾ of a tank but I still want to bear the brunt of the gas so will only do that when it is his turn.
Jan sent me an E mail yesterday that had some news which was kind of sad and a vindication at the same time. The prison ministry at Cedar Creek has evidently foundered and may no longer exist. She didn’t give details just a short note. This ministry was for me the start of a series of events that had hurt Cherie and I so much. I had been asked and actually voted in to lead the outreach to those in prison. Then someone in leadership at the church felt that her toes were stepped on because I did not go through proper procedures to take that position. I got upset about this and that is a no no in Cedar Creek. They rushed to put someone in that position who evidently was part of the inside group. I really don’t know. Kelly, the person they rushed in, is a sweetheart and we met with her and her husband. While she was impressive as an administrator she wasn’t a leader who could inspire and motivate and is more geared to social work, not ministry of this sort. I hope she isn’t offended by this and I stress it is only my personal opinion and have been wrong many times. As always I encourage any one to put their side in the comments area and if they wish I will publish it on the blog. Regardless the results speak for themselves.
Enough of that. When the brain works I may write too much. I just called Wayne to check on taking him to the veterans commission for a food voucher. He is doing poorly this morning with increased pain and weakness. When I took him to Kroger’s yesterday he had a hard time and for the first time I remember had to sit down on his walker several times to rest. I hope the MS isn’t in aggravation mode where it increases the damage it causes. It is a shame Wayne can’t get the new medications for MS that help others so much but if your poor and on Medicaid you get only enough to keep you alive, especially in Ohio. I will take Wayne later today. He wanted to put it off till Thursday but that day is full on my calendar.
I suppose I should fix breakfast and get moving so I can make use of this prime time while it is here. I turned off the TV. I was thinking the other day that I bitch about having to spend these times of high lucidity driving folks around but I spend some of that time in front of the Zombie vision. Need to make better use of my time and complain less. Time to get moving.
Got all my get ready stuff done except getting dressed. It is getting warm and I just turned on the air. I sweat like crazy when it is warm and have since the injury. I figure it is something connected to the TBI cause Cherie tells me I always feel like I have a fever. I know that cold really doesn’t bother me but heat does. Of course the Bob coffee I am drinking contributes to the sweating.
I just called my probation officer, Julie. I am just a little upset. On August 22 I had gone in for my monthly visit and we talked about my community service hours. I gave her copies of the documentation I turn in for those hours and explained that by next week I will have exceeded the court requirement. I explained to her that my grandmother was not going to live long and that I would like to get free from this probation as soon as possible so I could go to Texas to be with her. I even gave her a copy of the E mail Virginia sent telling of how Minnie Lee was going down hill and they did not know how long she would last. She promised to get the hours submitted right away so it can go through the paperwork mill and get credited. When I saw her a month later she apologized for not starting any of this paperwork. I told her that I had exceeded the requirements by far and she assured me she would get on it.
Now she tells me that she still has not started any of the paperwork because she was sick for two days with a bladder infection and had just got back to work today. Then she promises again to get on it because she is leaving on vacation on the seventh which is three days away. I again explained my need to get this done and practically begged her to do so. She says she will get an intern to help her do it today but then goes into the same spiel she went into the last time about how long it takes the court clerks to do their paperwork. Then she started telling me that I am not high on her priority list because she has more important things to do like reports to the court.
What am I to do? If I make waves by calling her boss or writing the judge I fear retribution. This has happened before to me and after being put into jail for a month with no charges ever being filed I feel helpless. Anything I say will be treated with the disdain almost all in the justice system have for anyone convicted of a crime. It is like I have a gun to my head and don’t dare complain. I can’t afford a lawyer and if I could I would have been done with this long ago and perhaps could have appealed this conviction for a crime I never committed. It is time to get on building the website because it will expose much of this history.
I just called Wayne and asked him about skipping taking him to the Veterans place. He said it was fine cause he didn’t feel to hot. I tried to explain this to him but he had a hard time following and seemed pretty confused thinking I was talking about my grandmother when I was explaining my probation officer had not started the paperwork. Getting upset I decided it best to end the call before this lack of emotional control that comes with my TBI kicked in. Actually it already is so I better stay inside and avoid contact with others because the fuse is real short. God help me.
10305 Monday
10/3/05 Monday
I am tired this morning and the headache is not too bad. Poor Cherie had a rough morning as the hot flashes were particularly bad. I am sure that is a big factor in making her emotional. She was running late and didn’t want to go to work and was almost crying when I kissed her before she rushed out to work.
I woke up thinking about the Bible study with a particular verse on my mind that fits in well. I am operating at about a 7 this morning and made some changes and additions to the study in a fairly rapid manner. Love it when the brain works. I called Jeff so I can return his book with the study. I doubt he will present it to the home group because it doesn’t fit in with their book and is not as gentle as they like. Rocking the boat is generally avoided there and some truth they may not want to hear. I don’t know and it is improper for me to judge them in this so I apologize in case any of them read this. Who am I to speak of these things. I am Balaam’s ass as found in Numbers 22.
It’s 1:30 now. I am tired and slowing down. It has been a long day already and I wish I had the energy that I used to. Today started with me taking Ahmed to the 280 fuel stop where his truck is parked. When I went out to take Jeff’s book and the Bible study Ahmed was trying to charge up his car. We talked a little about the car and when he would need my jack to replace the starter. Then he asked me for the ride. I took him to the bank at first and then back to the apartment because he forgot something.
As I waited out front Fred came out looking very confused at why I was there. I rolled down the window so he walked to the car. He asked why I was there, what was wrong, did I go to Wayne’s yet? I explained that I was going to take Ahmed to his truck. Fred is not real happy and bitched about the car idling and wasting gas. Then Ahmed came out so that pleasantly ended the conversation.
I dropped the book off at Jeff’s work and then went to the storage unit to pay the rent. After that I hit the turnpike to get Ahmed to his truck. The conversation with him was uncomfortable and disturbing. He asked me about Mia, the girl who lives below us. He said he had seen her and thought she looked good. Then he asked me if he should go out with her. I just looked at him and said I don’t get involved in stuff like that. He brought the subject up again asking me how he could approach her and that he wanted a relationship with her.
It was when we started talking about his Moslem religion it got strangest and scary. I will have to fill this in tomorrow. It is 10:30 and I am worn out. I slept for three hours this afternoon and never got my second wind. This will be the first night I didn’t publish this on the blog. Think I will retire now. Cherie and I are still so much in love after being together two years we still look at each other in wonder and get teary when we hug. All the love songs I used to think were sappy now move me. Good night.
I am tired this morning and the headache is not too bad. Poor Cherie had a rough morning as the hot flashes were particularly bad. I am sure that is a big factor in making her emotional. She was running late and didn’t want to go to work and was almost crying when I kissed her before she rushed out to work.
I woke up thinking about the Bible study with a particular verse on my mind that fits in well. I am operating at about a 7 this morning and made some changes and additions to the study in a fairly rapid manner. Love it when the brain works. I called Jeff so I can return his book with the study. I doubt he will present it to the home group because it doesn’t fit in with their book and is not as gentle as they like. Rocking the boat is generally avoided there and some truth they may not want to hear. I don’t know and it is improper for me to judge them in this so I apologize in case any of them read this. Who am I to speak of these things. I am Balaam’s ass as found in Numbers 22.
It’s 1:30 now. I am tired and slowing down. It has been a long day already and I wish I had the energy that I used to. Today started with me taking Ahmed to the 280 fuel stop where his truck is parked. When I went out to take Jeff’s book and the Bible study Ahmed was trying to charge up his car. We talked a little about the car and when he would need my jack to replace the starter. Then he asked me for the ride. I took him to the bank at first and then back to the apartment because he forgot something.
As I waited out front Fred came out looking very confused at why I was there. I rolled down the window so he walked to the car. He asked why I was there, what was wrong, did I go to Wayne’s yet? I explained that I was going to take Ahmed to his truck. Fred is not real happy and bitched about the car idling and wasting gas. Then Ahmed came out so that pleasantly ended the conversation.
I dropped the book off at Jeff’s work and then went to the storage unit to pay the rent. After that I hit the turnpike to get Ahmed to his truck. The conversation with him was uncomfortable and disturbing. He asked me about Mia, the girl who lives below us. He said he had seen her and thought she looked good. Then he asked me if he should go out with her. I just looked at him and said I don’t get involved in stuff like that. He brought the subject up again asking me how he could approach her and that he wanted a relationship with her.
It was when we started talking about his Moslem religion it got strangest and scary. I will have to fill this in tomorrow. It is 10:30 and I am worn out. I slept for three hours this afternoon and never got my second wind. This will be the first night I didn’t publish this on the blog. Think I will retire now. Cherie and I are still so much in love after being together two years we still look at each other in wonder and get teary when we hug. All the love songs I used to think were sappy now move me. Good night.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
10205 Sunday
10/2/05 Sunday
I woke up early this morning, about 5:00. The headache is there and I am running at about a 7 on the Bob scale. Cherie is still asleep but I am sure she will wake up as she usually does when I am not beside her. Today she will be driving to Novi Michigan where she will attend a big sewing convention with all kinds of workshops and of course tons of booths where manufacturers will be hawking their products.
She would have preferred to go yesterday but had to work so today is the last day it will be open. It bothered her to miss church and she was anxious for my approval asking for it so many times I got upset. I had told her yes and encouraged her to go several times but her mind kept laying guilt trips so she would ask “would you mind if…” Of course this is a constant battle as I work to help her overcome a lifetime of abuse that had destroyed her self esteem. She is slowly getting better and I complimented her yesterday when she said she was going to run down to a fabrics store to enter a drawing with out the “would it be ok if I…” prefix.
I am not sure if I will go to church with Cherie up in the Detroit area. I will play that one by ear. I would have to borrow Fred’s car and try to do so as little as possible. I know I will worry about Cherie because I know that the Detroit area can be confusing. I would go with her mostly to drive but am sure that my presence would deduct from what she would get out of it. The fact that I am a typical guy and have little knowledge or interest in sewing is not the major factor in this. The real problem would come from the brain injury. For me strange places with lots of noise and a large amount of sensory information to process can be overwhelming and triggers the slow downs. There was a time I went with Cherie to a large shopping mall when it was packed with people and had to leave, almost running over people to escape the noise and confusion and reach the safety our quiet car. Add to that the fact that I would physically have a hard time keeping up after an hour or two. I love Cherie so much and have encouraged her to get back involved with the sewing she loves so much that the last thing I want to do is dampen that.
Yesterday I looked at bottle my seizure pills come in and saw that I had not been taking them as prescribed. I was taking two 100 milligram pills a day and had not used the 150’s I had. Come to find out I was supposed to take to of the 150’s and a 100 each day. I really don’t like taking lots of medication and had questioned if it was doing much good but after the partial seizure when I had forgotten to take it I understand it does help. Perhaps ramping up a little will help stabilize the slow downs. It would be nice if I could have more time with a brain that functions at a higher rate of speed.
Cherie’s gone now and I’ve washed the dishes and cleaned a little. That and sitting at this computer both aggravate the pain in my back. If I keep it ramrod straight it doesn’t hurt. Just the slight slouch does it.
I took the plaque and ten commandments carvings out side to get a picture of them in the sunlight because the quality indoors was poor. I did this to publish them on the website. Come to think of it I will put the plaque on the blog. Jeanie, whom we had gotten to know from the Cedar Creek home group read the blog and sent us an E mail that was a big encouragement. Small words can go a long way to help lift one up. Of course small words can tear down a soul also when there is malice, spite, or even a touch of judgment. Jeanie, if you read this we thank you for your heart and love you.
I didn’t go to church this morning which I am sure some will find appalling. My brain is functioning at a 7 or 8 and I want to make use of the time to work on the many things that have languished. I promised Jeff I would write up a little Bible study for the home group so will do that first but what is vitally important is to organize Wayne’s papers and make preparations for his Social Security hearing. That will also require me to set up appointments with several doctors to get documentation of his MS and establish it has advanced to the point he is truly disabled.
It is 1:38. I just got real week and tired. Realizing I have not eaten I fixed the peanut butter and honey on toast I like and had a glass of milk. I am slowing down and think I will lay down for a bit. Barely started the Bible study on Mathew 21.28.
It is 3:00 now I had taken my second pill and two aspirin before lying down. I am still slow and the headache has not gone away. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel as I snoozed. It is frustrating to return to this state but I must press on and ignore this pain and force the brain to work however slow.
As I read the book they are studying in Jeff’s home group I was surprised to see little resemblance in the lesson to the parable. Sure it covered some of what Jesus was saying but in a rudimentary way and the author seemed more concerned about making the parable conform to what he wanted to say.
I got the Bible study done. It is midnight now and I am exhausted. When Cherie got home at around five I was still slow. I did not start to come out of the slow down till about seven. Did not get much done.
I woke up early this morning, about 5:00. The headache is there and I am running at about a 7 on the Bob scale. Cherie is still asleep but I am sure she will wake up as she usually does when I am not beside her. Today she will be driving to Novi Michigan where she will attend a big sewing convention with all kinds of workshops and of course tons of booths where manufacturers will be hawking their products.
She would have preferred to go yesterday but had to work so today is the last day it will be open. It bothered her to miss church and she was anxious for my approval asking for it so many times I got upset. I had told her yes and encouraged her to go several times but her mind kept laying guilt trips so she would ask “would you mind if…” Of course this is a constant battle as I work to help her overcome a lifetime of abuse that had destroyed her self esteem. She is slowly getting better and I complimented her yesterday when she said she was going to run down to a fabrics store to enter a drawing with out the “would it be ok if I…” prefix.
I am not sure if I will go to church with Cherie up in the Detroit area. I will play that one by ear. I would have to borrow Fred’s car and try to do so as little as possible. I know I will worry about Cherie because I know that the Detroit area can be confusing. I would go with her mostly to drive but am sure that my presence would deduct from what she would get out of it. The fact that I am a typical guy and have little knowledge or interest in sewing is not the major factor in this. The real problem would come from the brain injury. For me strange places with lots of noise and a large amount of sensory information to process can be overwhelming and triggers the slow downs. There was a time I went with Cherie to a large shopping mall when it was packed with people and had to leave, almost running over people to escape the noise and confusion and reach the safety our quiet car. Add to that the fact that I would physically have a hard time keeping up after an hour or two. I love Cherie so much and have encouraged her to get back involved with the sewing she loves so much that the last thing I want to do is dampen that.
Yesterday I looked at bottle my seizure pills come in and saw that I had not been taking them as prescribed. I was taking two 100 milligram pills a day and had not used the 150’s I had. Come to find out I was supposed to take to of the 150’s and a 100 each day. I really don’t like taking lots of medication and had questioned if it was doing much good but after the partial seizure when I had forgotten to take it I understand it does help. Perhaps ramping up a little will help stabilize the slow downs. It would be nice if I could have more time with a brain that functions at a higher rate of speed.
Cherie’s gone now and I’ve washed the dishes and cleaned a little. That and sitting at this computer both aggravate the pain in my back. If I keep it ramrod straight it doesn’t hurt. Just the slight slouch does it.
I took the plaque and ten commandments carvings out side to get a picture of them in the sunlight because the quality indoors was poor. I did this to publish them on the website. Come to think of it I will put the plaque on the blog. Jeanie, whom we had gotten to know from the Cedar Creek home group read the blog and sent us an E mail that was a big encouragement. Small words can go a long way to help lift one up. Of course small words can tear down a soul also when there is malice, spite, or even a touch of judgment. Jeanie, if you read this we thank you for your heart and love you.
I didn’t go to church this morning which I am sure some will find appalling. My brain is functioning at a 7 or 8 and I want to make use of the time to work on the many things that have languished. I promised Jeff I would write up a little Bible study for the home group so will do that first but what is vitally important is to organize Wayne’s papers and make preparations for his Social Security hearing. That will also require me to set up appointments with several doctors to get documentation of his MS and establish it has advanced to the point he is truly disabled.
It is 1:38. I just got real week and tired. Realizing I have not eaten I fixed the peanut butter and honey on toast I like and had a glass of milk. I am slowing down and think I will lay down for a bit. Barely started the Bible study on Mathew 21.28.
It is 3:00 now I had taken my second pill and two aspirin before lying down. I am still slow and the headache has not gone away. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel as I snoozed. It is frustrating to return to this state but I must press on and ignore this pain and force the brain to work however slow.
As I read the book they are studying in Jeff’s home group I was surprised to see little resemblance in the lesson to the parable. Sure it covered some of what Jesus was saying but in a rudimentary way and the author seemed more concerned about making the parable conform to what he wanted to say.
I got the Bible study done. It is midnight now and I am exhausted. When Cherie got home at around five I was still slow. I did not start to come out of the slow down till about seven. Did not get much done.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
10105 Saturday
10/1/05 Saturday
I am tired, kinda slow, and depressed this morning. Running about a 6. The depression is connected to my fear the boys don’t want to see me. Bruce said he would be hard pressed finding time which may be true but my mind thinks the worst. Adam has not returned my calls or my E mail. I know their mom is a bitter woman and had to stop her from putting down their dad in front of them when we were married. I worry that the poison of her words has contributed to this but I also know I bear some responsibility because of how I acted around the divorce. I still love them and think that despite making some big mistakes I did a decent job of raising them since they were four and five years old. Hopefully time will heal those wounds.
Cherie is at work this morning. I don’t have anything scheduled but would like to visit Eileen later.
It is 12:28 now. I am still slow. Just talked to Eileen and she is not doing well. There may be another tumor and they don’t know what is wrong with her voice box. I hope it isn’t cancer. We are going now to visit her.
It was a good visit. Eileen was doing better today and it was much easier to visit when the rest of the gang wasn’t there. When her daughter, Terry, and the attachments such as children and significant others are present it is a zoo of voices all competing for prominence. Add to that equation everyone smoking, it gets hard for Cherie to breath and the nicotine has a definite affect on me, and was the trigger for the grand mal seizure I had last year. Today was nice and settled. Glen is sick and was sleeping.
We visited for four hours. Eileen had a chance to talk about her fears and failing health as well as trying to understand what the doctors were doing. She has been shuffled from doc to doc and it is not over yet. There are so many things going wrong with her it is hard for all the specialists to get on one page.
I had been so slow when we left to go over there that I had Cherie drive. I don’t do that often as I am a poor and nervous passenger. As we talked I brightened up considerably and both Eileen and Cherie noticed. I showed Eileen the blog and we talked of the website. Eileen had stopped writing her tales of working for me when she got sick but will get back to it. She holds so many keys of my past because there was no one else as involved with my life. She worked for me while I was in prison so knows things about my second wife who had been milking the companies for all they were worth while letting them fall apart as she partied the money away. There is no doubt that the website will stir things up in many circles. Nothing like the truth to cause problems.
We reminisced about many things as Eileen began to share stories. Cherie heard some shocking things regarding the behavior of my employees and I. There is enough material here to write several books that will be exciting and titillating as well as tragic. And I don’t have to make anything up. If my writing ability can convey these events as they were it will do well. The emotions were intense and to put them on paper in a way the readers can experience them is the key. Of course I have had no training in journalism and the last grade I completed in high school was the ninth. This website will be under constant construction as I research and record my life. This will be therapeutic as well as keep me occupied. It is good not to be idle for idleness can lead to trouble. It helps for me to be focused because of the TBI.
Right now I am cooking twice baked potatoes and will be grilling New York strip steaks to enjoy with my gorgeous wife. I am blessed.
I am tired, kinda slow, and depressed this morning. Running about a 6. The depression is connected to my fear the boys don’t want to see me. Bruce said he would be hard pressed finding time which may be true but my mind thinks the worst. Adam has not returned my calls or my E mail. I know their mom is a bitter woman and had to stop her from putting down their dad in front of them when we were married. I worry that the poison of her words has contributed to this but I also know I bear some responsibility because of how I acted around the divorce. I still love them and think that despite making some big mistakes I did a decent job of raising them since they were four and five years old. Hopefully time will heal those wounds.
Cherie is at work this morning. I don’t have anything scheduled but would like to visit Eileen later.
It is 12:28 now. I am still slow. Just talked to Eileen and she is not doing well. There may be another tumor and they don’t know what is wrong with her voice box. I hope it isn’t cancer. We are going now to visit her.
It was a good visit. Eileen was doing better today and it was much easier to visit when the rest of the gang wasn’t there. When her daughter, Terry, and the attachments such as children and significant others are present it is a zoo of voices all competing for prominence. Add to that equation everyone smoking, it gets hard for Cherie to breath and the nicotine has a definite affect on me, and was the trigger for the grand mal seizure I had last year. Today was nice and settled. Glen is sick and was sleeping.
We visited for four hours. Eileen had a chance to talk about her fears and failing health as well as trying to understand what the doctors were doing. She has been shuffled from doc to doc and it is not over yet. There are so many things going wrong with her it is hard for all the specialists to get on one page.
I had been so slow when we left to go over there that I had Cherie drive. I don’t do that often as I am a poor and nervous passenger. As we talked I brightened up considerably and both Eileen and Cherie noticed. I showed Eileen the blog and we talked of the website. Eileen had stopped writing her tales of working for me when she got sick but will get back to it. She holds so many keys of my past because there was no one else as involved with my life. She worked for me while I was in prison so knows things about my second wife who had been milking the companies for all they were worth while letting them fall apart as she partied the money away. There is no doubt that the website will stir things up in many circles. Nothing like the truth to cause problems.
We reminisced about many things as Eileen began to share stories. Cherie heard some shocking things regarding the behavior of my employees and I. There is enough material here to write several books that will be exciting and titillating as well as tragic. And I don’t have to make anything up. If my writing ability can convey these events as they were it will do well. The emotions were intense and to put them on paper in a way the readers can experience them is the key. Of course I have had no training in journalism and the last grade I completed in high school was the ninth. This website will be under constant construction as I research and record my life. This will be therapeutic as well as keep me occupied. It is good not to be idle for idleness can lead to trouble. It helps for me to be focused because of the TBI.
Right now I am cooking twice baked potatoes and will be grilling New York strip steaks to enjoy with my gorgeous wife. I am blessed.
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