Sunday, May 25, 2008

Feeling stupid

5/21/08 Wednesday
I am dead dog tired. It’s 9:30 PM. Wally came and hooked up the electricity to the garage for me. I really appreciate it. At one time I did lots of wiring in my warehouse but that was before the accident. Like all other things I used to know I must relearn it. The stuff (electricity) scares me now.
5/23/08 Friday
It’s so hot I can’t stay out there very long. The wind is blowing at twenty five or thirty miles per hour and that is like standing in a blast furnace. My sweat evaporates almost immediately. That helps cool me down a little but sure dehydrates me, just sucks the water right out. Adding to that is the sand the wind is throwing in my face and eyes. The last three days were over a hundred degrees, about 102 the weather guy said. Today is cool ??? at ninety eight or so. Anyway, perhaps I can actually do some writing now that I will be spending more time inside. Wednesday’s entry is a good example of how this heat drains me, and yesterday I didn’t even open this journal.

Jay, and his wife and son, Mike, brought a piece of carpet over this afternoon. It was in their dining room, which they are remodeling. We plan on putting it in the bedroom. They also brought a small freezer they didn’t need. It is only about three years old. They had bought it for a guy that the Christmas in Action group were helping and he died shortly after. So now we have a nice little freezer. That will be great as it allows us to take advantage of bulk buying of products on sale thus saving money in the long run. We are blessed so much these days and I sometimes wonder why.

I just dozed off as I was thinking of what to write next. I do that a lot nowadays. Of course this is around the time I take a nap anyway so that probably has something to do with it. So I guess I’ll take a nap. It’s just seems so strange to me, having to take naps, but it’s common with traumatic brain injuries from what I’ve read.

It is very frustrating for me to constantly have to fight the effects of this brain injury. This morning I went out and carefully got soaker hoses into position, a task that takes about an hour. Two hours later I go to move these hoses to new positions and give other plants the water they so desperately need in this heat, and discover that I had never turned the water on. I know what happened, the same thing that always happens, on the way to turn the water on I stopped to do something simple like pull some weeds or turn on the other faucet I use to feed water to this garden. That’s all it takes. The other set of hoses had been running so I moved them. I just went out to move these hoses again and hook up a soaker hose I had just poked several hundred holes in. It is one of three we got at Lowe’s that don’t work worth a damn so I’ve been modifying them. So what do I find? The same hose I had forgotten to turn on was still not running. Again it vanished from my mind and didn’t get done. Just another moments distraction. I really can’t do more than one task at a time these days and even that is a chore as I must really focus to complete it.

I hate feeling stupid and having the results of this brain injury slapping me in the face. Our friend took us out to eat at KD’s Barbeque. They took us there once before but that didn’t matter because I don’t remember much about being there. The regular location was closed so we went to their highway side one. At a regular restaurant I can sit down and look at the menu. This gives me time to decipher what they have and figure out what to order. Plus this is all familiar to me and so I am much more comfortable. At KD’s it’s different. If I could have followed someone it would have been easier as I could have watched what they did and just followed suit. But I was put at the head of the line. There is so much for me to process. Do I grab a tray? Where are napkins, knives and forks? Where do I go to next? The lady opened the lid on a big metal thing that was full of all kinds of meats as she talked to Janie. “What do you want?” she said. There was so much stuff that my mind couldn’t process it fast enough so I just said “ribs” because I knew they had them.

We were there in the first place cause our friend had asked “where do you want to go eat”. I’m not good at making fast decisions when there are many options to choose from so I had said the first thing that came to mind “ribs”. When she asked where I wanted to go for ribs I gave up and said that she would have to decide. I really hate being put on the spot where I must think quick, it’s just uncomfortable for me.

So going through the whole process of getting your meal was tough and got tougher. I always start to slow down when in these kinds of situations. It was a whole new unfamiliar environment where I wasn’t sure even where to go sit. As I slowed down farther I moved to a corner where I felt protected. Janie had picked up a friend on the way here so that added to my discomfort. I hate being stupid around someone I just met. It’s embarrassing to say the least. I just wanted to go home after it was all done and did.

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