My failure in leadership

3/24/10 Wednesday
Alan won’t be coming to work this morning. He has other things he needs to do and besides that until we sell the truck or trailer we can’t afford to pay him. We already owe him a weeks worth of pay. He is gracious and understanding, and more than willing to continue helping with faith we will eventually pay him, but this places hardships on his shoulders and he has enough on his plate as it is. This is such a critical time on the farm, with so much that needs to be done NOW. So we pray that God will provide, as we always do, and He always does, but it’s tight and uncomfortable. With Alan’s help I have managed to get two plots planted and made headway on preparing other areas. But there is so much more to do. I would like to purchase the Bermuda grass seed we need and get it sowed before it’s too late. That’s the thing about farming, it doesn’t wait till you’re ready.

With Alan not being here this morning I have a chance to catch up on inside stuff, office work that needs to get done along with washing the dishes to help Cherie. Alan gets frustrated as he sees first hand the problems I have because of the brain injury. My inability to plan ahead, or more accurately to remember what I planned, becomes evident during each day. Yesterday I asked what he was working on and he said he was just moving things from one place to another so it would look like he was doing something. That hit me hard as I realized my failings to guide and lead him with regard to working on the farm.
Here's the truck we have for sale. It's a 2001 F450 super duty 7.3 diesel, six speed trans with a PTO, and rated at 15,000 lb GVR so is heavy duty for sure. I'm asking $9,000 but that's negotiable. If you know someone who could use it spread the word.
Alan often helps me by making me think about what I’m doing and what needs to be done. It’s the same old frustration for me, the one I’ve been struggling with ever since I woke from the coma, and one that is common for many of us survivors of TBI. That is the ability to plan and organize my day. A central part of what was taught at the Brain Injury Institute in St. Louis dealt with that and showed how to use lists and stuff to help. There is so much to do here that I bounce from one thing to another without finishing many of the tasks because I forget what I was doing moments before. Remembering that I had at one time simultaneously run two companies that I had built with over a hundred employees only brings home how much I’ve lost ability wise. I don’t care about losing the wealth and prestige at all. That all vanished in the wind and in the process I’ve learned about what has real value in life, that is what I do for God.
The trailer is also for sale. It's a heavy duty equipment trailer with a steel deck that can haul back hoes and pretty much anything you can drive up on it. I don't know what trailers are worth so am asking $2500 based on prices I've seen on other trailers.
Time to get back to work. Cherie’s helping a lot by making lists of things I need to do and then reminding me of them. Without her I’d be more lost.