To bring life out of death

4/23/12 Monday I don’t have much time to write but must. Kairos was, as always, a wonder. How torn I am by my desire to help others change their lives, to bring life where there is death, versus the need to work and pay bills. Many of the guys at the prison kept asking when I would come back to the class I had been helping teach on Mondays, and many others expressed how they had been helped by my few words and how they missed me coming to the prison. Each one of them brought more pain and anguish to my heart as a feeling of responsibility and guilt for not meeting that responsibility rose up inside. The same holds true at the small little jail Stanton has, where I was able to visit with the guys last week. What I understand, what I know clearly in my heart, is that how much money I make isn’t important to God at all. What is important to God is the people of the world, whom He loved so much He sent His son to die for, so that they can have eternal life. When I stand before God, and before Jesus, who will be our judge, I will be called into account for how I treated those whom He loves so dearly. Did I judge them? Did I shun away from those I wasn’t comfortable with? Did I let others continue in a path that will bring destruction without at least trying to warn them? Or did I reach out, give of what I had, whether money or time, and show them the Love of God! It’s pretty clear to me, and has been since I woke from that coma. That is part of what it says on that plaque I carved while recovering. “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has lasting value is the lives we touch”. If I could I would give my life for others, but I find myself constrained to doing other things in order to pay bills and provide for my wife. I have a home that needs much work. The cesspool my grandfather built 50 years ago is falling apart, with the railroad ties he used to make the walls rotting away and the steel roof panels to cover the top rusting into pieces. Soon we won’t be able to flush the toilet and already we see evidence of the drains not working well. The farm lies unworked and unplanted as I work for another man to help him make money. We have great dreams and a vision for this farm, that are seemingly unattainable, at least with the resources we have. My vision entails a place that employs others, who are disadvantaged, and provides food and shelter for those in need. It is to create a haven should the world fall apart, a place that is self-sufficient, but even if hard times do not come a business enterprise that is profitable and beneficial to all around.

Regardless, I am unable to accomplish this or much else by myself. God, in His wisdom, has made me dependent on others to function. How frustrating this is. I hold in my hands the key to eternal life, as every Christian does, and so want to spend my days sharing that. But meantime there are responsibilities to meet and work to do. So I must get going this morning. I need to buy a half inch drill bit to fix our brush hog mower that goes behind the tractor. While in town I will fill the four empty five gallon water bottles so we have clean water to drink and cook with at home. I hope to also buy some valves so I can continue installing the drip irrigation we hope to use to grow watermelons. On Thursday I leave for another Kairos event, this time in Fort Stockton. That will keep us busy till Sunday again. After that I must return to the job in Odessa. So I have three days to work on the farm. It’s not enough but I’ll do the best I can. I got the brush hog working and it held up to mowing a good part of the weeds we have. Took almost an hour to get the rusty nut off the bolt that holds the rear wheel on the mower. Had to take it off so I could adjust the height up higher. Finally got to giving the dogs a tick bath. Ticks are bad this year for sure. Perhaps I will be able to bug bomb the front part of the house tomorrow. I am tired and pretty sore tonight. Tomorrow will be the last day I have before it’s time to head out for the Kairos at a prison in Fort Stockton. There is so much to do that I doubt I will get to it all. I hope to visit the guys in the Stanton jail and to finish mowing weeds at Mary’s house. Then there is drip irrigation to work on and a house in Big Spring we need to secure for the job we have for banks and realtors. Nodding off to sleep as I write so probably should get some shut eye.