Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Too dark to see

4/4/12 Wednesday
As I opened this journal, the last words I wrote stuck out to me “Till it gets too dark to see”. My thoughts are heavy this morning as I watch the gathering gloom in the world around us, and even here locally with many we meet. On the news there is little news, but a presentation of ideas and views that are diametrically opposed to all that we hold dear as servants of God. As the views are espoused there comes with them the concept that if you don’t agree or accept the worlds view, there is something wrong with you. There is the Miss Universe pageant entry who was born a male but had a sex change operation so, after some publicity, the pageant has changed their rules, to “Keep up with modern thinking”.

There is so much I see, for I see with eyes that are different now. When I woke from that coma the whole world was new, as if I was a baby just born into the world. In the eleven years since I woke up much has returned regarding my memory but that fresh outlook still remains. I watch people who have money cling to what they have, guarding it carefully so no one else can get it. Their money has become their God, the idol they worship, but they are blind to that in themselves. There is a self-deception that is common in this, as they surround themselves with others who also diligently guard their riches and each pats the other on the back as they complement themselves for all the great charitable work they do. I have watched as those who have money develop the fear or attitude that everyone who is not as well off as they are after their money. This is often true but not always, but it sets up a defensiveness and distrust in their minds.

Today was a high pain day. Worked for Jim at his milling machine and that is like washing dishes for me. There was little heavy lifting but standing there and having to stoop slightly to observe my work is what hurts the most. Yesterday was similar so by the time I get home I am shuffling along carefully.

Went out to find the string attachment for our weed wacker and couldn’t. Nuts, I know it is somewhere but don’t have a clue where. Of course I can’t remember what I did with it so searched high and low in the garage. No luck but it sure brought out some frustration. My garage is like a picture of my life, full of unfinished projects and things I had planned on doing. Searching through the garage was a reminder of the shortcomings this brain injury has caused.

As I looked I saw this black plastic box and wondered “What is that?”. So I dug it out from under the pile of stuff on top and opened it. “Wow!” I exclaimed as I saw it was a brand new never used electric impact wrench. Here’s the deal, I don’t remember ever buying it, don’t have a clue when I could have, and despite seeing it still can’t remember. It could have been sitting there three or four years. I found a box of tools that was new to me but at least I think I know where it came from, the old red diesel service truck I had. It is a little depressing to be faced with these reminders that I still have the results of that brain injury to overcome.

I’m tired tonight. Usually I get out and work on the farm when I come home from working for Jim but not this time. The pain pills only dampen the pain and being reminded of my disability sure curbed my enthusiasm. So I decided to just crawl in the bed and write this. Having a hard time staying awake so I’ll probably sleep good tonight. That little rant about the darkness I wrote this morning shortly after waking up. Part of that is the fact that I am getting so tired of the hypocrisy I see everywhere. Hope I don’t offend any of you. All I desire is for those who believe in God to get real about it, and understand that we all will answer to God. Nuff said. Good night folks.

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