10/21/09 Wednesday
It’s raining this morning. Praise God for rain. We’ll take all we can get. It’s supposed to clear up this afternoon so I’ll spend the morning studying wells and ways to hook them up to determine what I will do with ours. I talked to a well guy yesterday and he wasn’t too enthusiastic about my idea of putting a booster pump in to help move more water through the system. So I’ll study.

Cherie looked at her calendar and discovered that there is a conflict with my giving my testimony on Friday. Friday is also the day that the Farm Bureau has their yearly dinner and business meeting. So I’ll have to put off giving the testimony till later. Feel bad about that last minute change and hope it doesn’t cause too much of a problem.
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It’s 1:35 now. I studied online how to drill your own well, chatted with my oldest son, Bruce, via Messenger, and called a well drilling guy in Odessa to get a quote. Then I fixed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. After that I went outside to work. This morning, before Cherie left for work I could hear a slowdown in my voice, in how it changes my speech. Didn’t think much of it. I am real slow now. Didn’t realize it till I went outside. And I have a headache too. This sucks but fortunately it doesn’t happen as much as it used to. There were times when I had several slowdowns in a day. Headaches have been bad lately but that may be because I stopped taking the blood pressure medicine they gave me for headaches, not high blood pressure. Just don’t like taking too much medicine, especially for high blood pressure I don’t have. Hope this clears up soon. I’ve got things to do.
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4:01 – I’m feeling a little better so will go out and try to work. Will dig a trench to connect the garden water system to the well. There’s other things to do but I think it’s best if I keep it simple and focused.

A friend died

10/20/09 Tuesday
Yesterday was a roller coaster day with lots of ups and downs. But it ended well and that counts. I got the stove vent hood installed. Cherie is thrilled with it. The old one stuck out and had sharp edges so that, despite being a short person, Cherie had hit her head on it. The new one of course looks better and completes our kitchen renovation though I still have some pieces of trim to put on. We thank our friends who contributed so much to this and are always grateful for their help. Cherie loves the fact that we now have a light over the stove. That helps a lot and it’s nice to be able to see what you’re cooking.

I just learned that my friend, Sonny Gray, died on the 12th of this month. They already had the funeral last week. It’s frustrating to be this far away and out of touch. Someone told my son, Bruce, that I might know a Sonny that died and he just let me know this morning. Sonny was one of the people who responded when ABC ran the “Toledo’s John Doe” news story on me and helped me get off the street by letting me stay there and sleep on his couch. He was an old friend and we’d had lots of good times together. I’ll miss him and had looked forward to visiting the next time I made it to Toledo. We were on a pool league together and shot pool all over the area. Sonny was a biker and belonged to a world I’ve left behind but still miss. He had just gotten a kidney transplant from his brother a couple or three years ago and had been doing well last time I talked with him. I guess it’s a part of getting older that more people we know die. I’ve been to more funerals since I was reunited with Cherie than I can recall for the rest of my life. When I make it to Toledo next time I want to spend more time there, looking up and visiting friends I haven’t seen in years. The last few times we were up there were rushed. I preached my secretaries funeral for one visit and spent the time with her family and the other time we went Cherie and I attended her family reunion so spent time with her family.

So I’ll work around the farm today. Need to buy seed and fertilizer but I need to prepare a place to store it. Plus I still need to figure out what to do with the water system before a freeze comes. I guess that should be first on the list.
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It’s 4:46 already. I’ve been busy but can’t think of much I’ve done. I poop scooped, met Cherie for lunch, went shopping for stuff to fix the plumbing, figured out I need to come home and take measurements. Bought Frontline for ticks for the dogs, wrote on the blog and Facebook, read email. Got one from Ron and Paula. They are going to be able to tape some programs for GLC, too cool. Got one from Cecil, who oversees the Christian group that meets at the He Brew coffee house on Illinois Blvd in Midland. I will be giving my testimony there this Friday. Y’all are welcome to come but let me know so we can make sure there’s room and enough food. Starts at 12:00 I think. Food and stuff comes after the prayer and fellowship and my testimony.

Strange, Depression rolls in like a wave

It’s strange. I went out to work and depression just hit like a big wave. This happened so fast and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s like some kind of attack. With it came less tolerance for the dogs always being in the way. I looked at all the things to do and saw no reason to do them. I know all the reasons to do them but it seems like a waste of time. This is unreasonable I know, I can identify that and recognize it is depression but the feeling of futility is hard to overcome. So I came inside and am writing. It’s getting pretty warm out so I think what I’ll do is get to working on something inside, something other than writing. I’ve got plenty to write and do on this laptop but I think getting physically involved with something would be better. Something to distract my mind. Writing helps me work through these feelings though. This emotional instability is like being on drugs but there are no drugs. Depression is always made worse and often created through drug and alcohol use so I’m glad I’m free of that. This is the time I would grab a drink or pop a pill to make me feel better, and it would, for a short time. Then it would wear off and the cycle starts up again. I know what I can do, I need to install the overhead stove vent Steve and Janie bought us a while back. That will keep me distracted and working on something, besides it should have been done a while ago anyway.
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4:21 - Now I’ve got a killer headache. The depression has gone but this headache is taking it’s place. It’s like being in the boxing ring and getting hit again and again. Too weird. I called UTPB and set up an appointment to meet with them Thursday at 2:00. So at least something is getting done. It’s a push through day for sure. Then there are internet distractions fighting to waste my time now so I'll resist that. It’s time to exercise discipline, to take control of my mind, to force myself to focus on what is good and pure, to keep moving forward with what I know needs to be done, to not allow this crap to bring me down. But the headache is rough. I’ll take some aspirin, close the blinds, and keep marching.

Now what do I do???

OK, Now what do I do??? I dug this hole about five feet deep thinking that I would find the feeder line here. Why would I think the feeder line would be here? Because someone in the distant past took the time and effort to drive an iron pipe that deep into the ground and then made sure it was protected with a piece of plastic pipe over it. In my pseudo logical mind I assumed someone went through all that effort for a reason and I deduced that the reason would be to mark the location of something buried deep under the ground, something like a water pipe. I didn’t find anything except what looks like a gopher tunnel a good two foot deep. I’m sure there’s a pipe somewhere but I’m not inclined to dig a five foot deep trench until I’m lucky enough to find it, not when I can backtrack from the water spigot.





Which is what I did. The feeder pipe looks like it’s a two inch or more size tube. That falls into line with what Al told me while they were helping fix the wall. I’d mentioned that I thought the pipe from the well was 3/4 inch and he expressed his doubts judging from the water pressure at the house. I don’t know where I got the idea it was 3/4 inch, but once that thought was in my brain it stayed. So in this picture you can see where it angles in, from the direction of the highway of all places, and is reduced to a smaller size. It then feeds into the water spigot. I’m anxious to know where the water feeds into the house so I dug on the other side of the spigot and found evidence of a pvc pipe heading out from it. I’ll assume that it’s the one going to the house despite the fact that assuming has gotten me into trouble before, especially where it comes to how this house is put together.








So I know what I want to do. I just don’t know how to do it. I have three water pumps that I recovered from the landfill. Two appear to have been for swimming pools and the other is a “jet” pump. I’m not sure what a jet pump is but think it might have been attached to a spa or a hot tub, something with a whirlpool type feature. I haven’t tested the pumps to see if they work but I know the motor is good on at least one of them. Plus one has a big filter attachment that I'm hoping to use to filter the water before it goes anywhere. My thoughts are to install one inline in order to increase the water pressure so I will be able to run more than one water sprinkler at a time. This will go a long way to enhancing my ability to irrigate. In order to do this right I also need to get a pressure tank so that the water pressure is maintained at the correct level and to prevent me from blowing things apart. That costs money and we have the CRP funds available. I just don’t have the technical knowledge on the proper way to put all this together. So I’ve got the pipes exposed but am not sure what to do next. Nuts. Hell, it’s lunchtime so I’ll grab a bite to eat and think about it.
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Don’t know anything more on a full stomach than I did before. So I should seek out some advice. Won’t be hard to find someone who knows more than I do.

Sticky situations

10/19/09 Monday
It’s Monday. Ok, so what am I going to do? I need to start buying supplies for next year’s farming. There’s fertilizers and soil treatments, organic pesticides, irrigation materials, seeds, and other stuff that I need to start making a list of. I should pick up some more manure from the old man. Then there is continuing the project of locating and digging up the feeder pipe from our well. Once I do that then I need to do lots of plumbing to hook it up and also install a booster pump and pressure tank. And there is the continuing work of preparing beds for spring planting. Plus I need to plant rye seed over the entire five acre plot, but that’s not urgent and can be done later, I think. I also want to build an extension off the garage, which is what the two telephone poles are for. This will provide badly needed storage space.

There’s so much we want and need to do but the resources aren’t here. As we consider these things my thoughts naturally turn to the possible release of funds I inherited from my dad’s mother that he had control of prior to his death. “How much is there?” I wonder and also wonder when I might get it. I know there was at least ten thousand there from correspondence I had from my brother in 2003. But there’s the paranoia I must deal with, paranoia that is based on my brother’s past actions, so I wonder if those funds are still there and worry he will devise a way to steal them. Paranoia is a nasty thing to have plague you and dreams up scenarios that are unlikely. Like Dr. Phil says “Past performance is a good indicator of future behavior”. I’m beginning to understand why he’s been such an ass, at least I think I do. That’s because I have written documentation and proof, even in his own words in the emails he sent, of how he stole not only from me but from our grandmother. So I think Larry is being this way because he doesn’t want his lies to be exposed, the big false front he puts up, and he knows I know the truth, and that I’m no longer the brain damaged easily manipulated person he picked up from the hospital. So he's afraid of me and blusters to keep me away. However I'm more than willing to let it go in order to gain some semblance of a family again. It's a sticky situation.

But in the meantime we consider things we can do with a few extra dollars, things like drill a new water well and get needed farm equipment, things that will help us build a thriving farm and business. It would be nice to have some cash to take with me to Toledo because we can buy equipment up there right now at robbery prices due to the economy. But I’ve got work to do outside so that’s it for now.

Doing what doc said not to do

10/18/09 Sunday
I’m frustrated. We bought a new battery for this laptop and it seemed to charge up just fine, but when I unplugged it so it would run on the batter it went dead. No power at all. It shows as being fully charged but there’s no juice available for the computer when I unplug the AC. This laptop has a new hard drive, new motherboard, new screen, and now a new battery, so I’ve been nursing it along pretty good. I think the problem may be with the motherboard but will have to go online to learn how to figure that out. When I put the motherboard in I presumed the battery was no good because having no power was the issue before it died. I don’t know. Perhaps it’s time to think about getting a new laptop but being frugal I’d rather see if I can fix this one.

We work hard to be frugal and also to not ask too much of others. Despite that some have judged us and distanced themselves. That hurts and was exactly what we worked hard to have not happen. We’ve been blessed greatly with other’s leftovers in many cases and are grateful for all the help that so many have loved us with. But there’s an uncomfortable line there, a line that is hard to see and a line that different people draw in different places so you don’t know when you cross it. And of course they don’t talk to you about it but you can perceive the change in attitude. I worry about that, perhaps too much, and probably in worrying cause the problem I wish to avoid.


Friday I went to the place that someone emailed me about regarding firewood. Nate, Cherie’s nephew, had put an ad in Craigslist about our needing firewood and someone let us know where people in Midland can take their brush and tree limbs. It was a great tip and there is lots of wood there. So I took the chainsaw and cut and loaded wood till I hurt too much to get any more. One of the pieces probably weighed close to a hundred pounds. That’s the one that did me in. I’ll unload the truck today. Then I'll cut and split the wood and stack it so it will dry quickly. There's plenty of wood already dry and ready to burn so by the time that's gone the new stuff will be seasoned. We decided to skip church to catch up on all the stuff that needs doing.






Yesterday I cut the hose that feeds our irrigation system while I hoed down weeds so that precipitated me doing a job I’ve needed to do all year. That’s digging till I find where the water line from the well comes in so I can tie into it, thus getting away from using a water hose, a real weak spot. So I dug. Then I soaked the dirt with water to loosen the rock hard clay sand mix and dug some more. Water soaked dirt is real heavy you know, so it took a toll on my back. I dug till I couldn’t dig any more and called it quits. I hurt so much that it was hard to reach over to the dresser from the bed and pick up this laptop. No problem. It’s what I do all the time.











And it’s what I’m doing this morning. I’m in a digging mode and there’s plenty of digging to do. So I dug the holes for the telephone poles I’ve been intending to do all year. Putting the telephone poles in the ground hurt a lot more than digging the holes for them. They are pretty heavy, one a lot more than the other as it was fresher and still full of creosote or whatever that black stuff is. But I inched it up higher and higher to my shoulder and then walked it higher still till it slipped into the hole. Then I came in and laid down, grabbing this laptop and discovering the battery won’t work. I can’t take a pain pill till 11:00 so have to wait, but now that I’ve laid down for an hour I can get back to work. Still lots of digging to do. There are so many things that the doctors told me I shouldn’t, or in some cases, couldn’t do. But I don’t listen very well and I refuse to lay around and do nothing. So I do what I’m not supposed to do all the time. That’s been the story of my life anyway so why change now. I’ve always enjoyed beating the odds. Time to work.
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It’s a high pain day. I’m paying the price for working hard. It’s 3:00 and I came in to take a pain pill and lay down. Feels like I’m wasting time. Plus I’ve had lots of the headaches lately too. They’ll stop me quicker than this back pain does. They’re not migraines technically but are common with brain injuries and sure do hurt as much or more than migraines. Pain pills don’t touch them but aspirin often helps.

I am bothered.

I am bothered. Turned the TV on and started to watch the show “Flash forward”. We had started watching it before and it was one of the few shows on TV that we could find any pleasure in, but not today. As I watched my thoughts turned to world events and the things happening in this country too. I get regular updates from many watchdog organizations that keep track of everything from agricultural issues too the spread of Islam, and it makes me aware of just how deep corruption has spread within our government and around the world. So sitting and being entertained makes me feel like Nero fiddling while Rome burned. Only I’m no Nero and he caused the conflagration he fiddled too. But the world is a slow fire and our country is being eaten from the inside with a cancer fed by greed and power. It seems that the people of America are being lulled hypnotically to sleep, distracted by mass media entertainment that feeds us lies and half truths and keeps our minds on what is not at all important. But that is nothing new, it is the entire history of mankind and the result of ease and wealth mirrored over and over again by every great civilization that has existed. But this time it is following a predicted path. The prophesies of the bible are becoming clear like objects revealed as a fog lifts. The countries and governments, along with religious systems have been called out by name and they are becoming evident as they rise to through the mist. So while this happens we worry about our jobs and positions, about what others think of us, and about having a good time and being entertained.

So I turned the television off. God isn’t interested in that. There are more important things to do than just vacate my mind in front of that box that spouts ideologies I don’t agree with, yet accept because it’s on the TV. I find myself laughing at jokes I don’t think are funny, and find myself being corrupted by it, being fed that which I object to. It’s a powerful medium, a pulpit that many now use to preach their “gospel” through. Their “gospel” is death in the eyes of God. But it’s just what the bible said, “In the last days men shall call evil good, and good evil”. So where’s this coming from? These thoughts I’m having? I’m an ex-con who’s seen and lived a life that touched on all these areas of decadence so why now does it grate against my spirit so? When it comes down to it what is really important? Is it how much money you make? Is it how many people look up to you? Or is it what God thinks of you and what honors and pleases Him. That last sentence wasn’t a question. We will all stand before God naked and take only our deeds with us to present Him with. Our deeds and the thoughts of our hearts. It’s not what you do but why you do it that matters.

U TPB wasn't there

3:00 – It’s been a day already. When I loaded the trash for the landfill on the truck I noticed this strange line of clouds on the horizon. By the time I had the truck loaded and was on the way the line had gotten much closer and I could tell it was moving at a pretty good clip. So I had to take pictures. I took Rascal and Trixie with me to the landfill. They love it. The storm, or front I suppose you would call it, was interesting to be in. The clouds were twenty feet off the ground and moving at quite a pace just above our heads.

I picked up Cherie’s truck to drive to the college seminar in Odessa, leaving mine at her work. Getting to the UTPB Center for energy and economic development building I went in with my notebook, eager for the class. I checked with the information desk and several individuals but no one had a clue about the class. NUTS!!! So I went out to the truck and called Cherie to have her go online and see if she could figure it out. She looked and looked and finally, in a comment section, saw that the seminar was not at the CEED building but on the main campus. This was not mentioned anywhere in the online communication I’d had. I’ve never been to the campus and had no interest in driving around lost when I was already going to be late so that ended that. Real frustrating. The other events had all been at the CEED building.

I picked Cherie up and we went out to lunch at the La Mission restaurant we both like so much. She’d just got her paycheck so it was our go out to eat something nice moment. We had a great time. After I dropped her off at work and picked up my truck. Then it was off to Lowes with the hope of finding the same style stone after three years. We are in luck, they still carry it.

Came home, checked mail in Stanton. Our CRP check came so that’s always good. Cherie and I will sit down and determine how to spend it. But I’m tired right now so will take a nap.

Going to UTPB today

Here's another of the foggy morning pictures I took yesterday. Do you like this one or the one from yesterday of the pump jack better? I guess it's vote time for your favorite picture.

10/15/09 Thursday
It’s going to be a busy morning and, for that matter, a busy day as well. There’s not a cloud in the sky and the temperatures are low, with the high maybe making it to 80. I had hoped to disc the entire five acres while the ground was still wet but it was pretty much dried out by yesterday.

I’ll need to buy some more of the paving stones to complete where the woodstove goes. We bought the stones three years ago, I think, and hope Lowes still carries them. If they don’t I’ll figure something out. Worked on trying to piece what I had together for a few hours yesterday before I gave up. Only need two more stones to finish the job.

At 11:30 I’ll be going to Odessa to take a class at UTPB on how to do business with the State of Texas, and perhaps the federal government too. This is a vital class for us and what we plan to do with this farm. Still need to make a run to the landfill too so am debating doing that this morning or waiting till after the class. Probably should do it this morning because odds are that after the class I’ll be worn out. So that’s it, time to get out to work.

Foggy morning

10/14/09 Wednesday
It’s a foggy morning. I see that as a photo op so got out and took some pictures. Made sure to get some of the pump jack because our friend, Janie, said she’s taking or collecting them. It’s also going to hit ninety degrees today so I won’t waste time this morning writing and will get out on the tractor and get as much done as I can. That tractor is such a blessing despite being as old and beat up as I am. I’m not really old, being only 53, but sure am beat up. I can do in an hour with the tractor what would take me all day to do before. Yesterday evening I disked up where the apple trees used to be, before the gophers killed them. When I came in I discovered my wallet was no longer in my pocket. Nuts!!!. It was dark by then so I grabbed a flashlight and went searching. Fortunately it had worked it’s way out of my pocket and fell behind the seat of the tractor. Otherwise it would have been plowed under the ground. So I’ll take it out of my pocket before I get on the tractor and hopefully will remember to do that in the future. Should get a biker wallet with the chain that attaches it to your pants, but that’s not always convenient with my dressing styles.

So I’ll post some pictures and get out to work. When done outside I’ll come in and work on the stone floor where the woodstove sits.
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11:58 – If I didn’t quit working I wouldn’t know how tired I am. It’s so strange how that works. I’ve been out on the tractor all morning and didn’t have a clue how late it was till the tractor stalled and I looked. Seeing it’s about lunchtime I climbed off and came in. That’s when the tiredness washed over me like a gentle breeze. That’s also when I became aware of my pain level as well. It’s easier to ignore when your busy. I suppose I’ll get something to eat because it’s that time of day. I need to make a water run into Stanton and get twenty more gallons of our drinking and cooking water so I’ll probably grab some taco’s at Carrols roadside stand and check the mail as well. Rascal and Trixie came in with me and are crashed next to me on the bed. Only takes them seconds to do that. As much as they love to go for rides I’ll sneak out and leave them behind. They get too rambunctious when I take them into town, barking like crazy at everything. But I also need to take the trash to the landfill so they can go with me there. I took my afternoon pain pill so that should kick in, in about thirty minutes. I’ll just rest here till then and do some quick online stuff like post this and check email.
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4:32 – I ran the tractor till it ran out of gas. Burnt some piles of weeds and hauled dirt into the backyard where I’ll use it to build up the soil over where the cesspool is. I guess it made it to 90 degrees, or at least it seems like it. Haven’t worked on the stone floor inside yet, just stayed focused on what I was doing outside. Now it’s lay down and rest time. It’s been over four hours so I can take another pain pill. Cherie should be getting off work in a half hour, as long as she doesn’t have to work over. I’m wiped. Probably will take a nap as I just nodded off.

It's good to have friends

10/13/09 Tuesday

We had some decent rain last night. Not a lot, only about an eight of an inch showed up in the rain gauge, but it’s got the ground wet. So I’ll be running the tractor disking up the soil in preparation for planting grain rye. Al and Wally spent the whole day working on our house and the more they discussed what to do and how to do it the more grateful I was for their help. They understood things that would have never occurred to me. It was a long day and they didn’t quit till 4:30. Today they plan to come back and finish up the inside of the wall after Al goes to his doctors appointment. It is so good to have friends like this and we are grateful for them and all the others in our church family in Midland. God has blessed us in so many ways. Evidently Al put the water system in for the Stanton church so we talked about that a bit. I still reach out to them and always will till God is honored.


Someone sent an email regarding a place I can get firewood in Midland so I need to go check it out. It’s late in the year to get wood as it needs to dry and cure but we’ve got at least a cord already so it should be fine by the end of the cold season. Even if it’s not there’s plenty of dead trees I can access for firewood so we won’t go cold. Regardless I’ll cut what I can cause if I can’t use it this year I sure can next winter.



They used "concrete" siding to repair where the house burned. It's interesting stuff and fireproof, in addition to being inexpensive. Eventually we will have to reside or do something with the house as the siding is old and in some places rotting. This looks like this would be good stuff to use for that. Being fireproof has a definite appeal to me. So does being inexpensive and the fact that it lasts a long time. I wonder if it can be put right on top of the existing siding? We're thinking of using some inside to protect the wall from the heat of the wood stove.
Posts are short lately. I suppose that’s because I’m busy. See ya.

What I feed on

10/9/09 Friday
It’s a chilly morning with a breeze and humidity to drive the chill home. Cherie’s knee was extremely painful this morning and she had a hard time walking to the truck so that has me concerned. God will heal. The cold front coming in brings out all these pains in both of us. We start our days out in prayer now. This is something new and a sign of my renewing faith. I’m enjoying listening to bible teaching on GLC this morning. This is also indicative of the restoration of my faith. We both prefer to have this type of programming on the TV versus much of the other crap you find. I’m tired of feeding my mind that which is not positive. It’s all who killed who and how along with who’s screwing around on someone else and lots of other really not wholesome happy stories on much of the television. And that’s entertainment? I’ve experienced all of that in real life and am tired of it. Peace and quiet are what I crave and joy is a wonder I enjoy more than ever before, as in my entire previous life. Life is short even if you live to be a hundred and I choose the life I have, as we all do. So I choose to feed on what is enlightening and healthy and avoid that which sucks one back into an unhealthy environment.

So there’s my morning thought processes. There’s work to be done always. The task of the morning is to choose what is most important to do and plan my day to accomplish those goals. I will contact GLC on behalf of Ron Charles this morning, thanking them for having him on and inquiring about what it takes to be a regular programmer on the station. That would be good. Then I need to contact the Texas Rehab lady and make sure they didn’t drop the ball again regarding getting me assistance in starting this business up. There’s plenty to do outside but I don’t have to get out and “beat the heat” because the weather will be nice. So I’ll spend the morning writing and emailing. That works well because my mind is generally sharper in the morning versus after spending a day out in the heat doing physical work. There are so many times I think I’ll come in and write after working outside only to find I’m exhausted and in pain so don’t.

One of the things I am forced to do is to recover everything I lost when I tried to upgrade my blog and add the “Follower” widget yesterday. Every link I had is gone along with other things like “Statcounter” and the Blogflux button. It will take me a while to figure out what’s gone and recover it. This kind of stuff is frustrating and stressful for me as I work to comprehend what I’m doing.
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I picked up mail and some burritos for lunch. Took Rascal and Trixie with me cause they love to go for rides in the truck. We got more cards from people expressing their thoughts regarding the loss of my dad. We’ve gotten a lot of these and it’s touching. I’m not used to people caring this much. After coming home and eating I cleaned up around the house some, then went outside to work. That didn’t last long. I’ve got another bad headache and can’t blame it on weeds because I haven’t been around them today. So I’m back inside where it’s not so bright. I got the space heater out this morning. It’s the first time we used it this year. It’s been pretty cold the last couple of days. Carman kitty comes and lays on my chest all the time because it’s warm. He’s getting pretty old so the cold gets to him more. Right now all four of our inside pets are on the bed with me. This headache is not at all convenient.

Muggy day

10/8/09 Thursday
It’s muggy out. Lots of moisture in the air and lots of clouds. There’s been a chance of rain circulating around us for days but we haven’t gotten any of it. It sure would be nice to get some rain, we sure could use it. I suspect that the headache I had was triggered by the weeds I was chopping down. When I thought about it I’d had one the last time I messed with the weeds. Oh well, there’s more weeds to chop so that’s the way it is.

We had a surprise come in the mail yesterday. Someone who follows the blog and we’ve not met sent us a nice letter telling of how she grew up on a farm and understood the trials we go through, especially with this old house. She included a check that she asked go towards fixing things on the house. Cherie cried and I almost did too when I read it, but I’m a strong man and men don’t cry, right? I suppose I debunked that theory years ago. There has been plenty of crying since I woke from the coma and it’s good to cry, a little.

I haven’t worked on the business plan much the last few days but need to get back on it. I will call the UTPB business section, the one putting on the seminars, and set up a time to meet with them. They help people do this and I can use all the help I can get. But today I think I’ll keep working outdoors, at least this morning I will. I want to buy some Bermuda grass seed but need to research what kind to get. There are many different varieties. One of them will work best out here with our soil and dry conditions so I need to figure out which one and where to get it.

I’m drawing a blank as far as anything else to write about. I did email my sister and she emailed right back. This is always good news with me, communicating with my family. Pray that the wall between my brother and I gets broken down. That will take some work.

Evidence of God

I am constantly amazed at how things seem to come together. As I hoed down weeds a white car did a u-turn and went to the field next door, where I saw someone get out and start picking peas. Rascal and Trixie kept barking and heading over there so I finally had to put them in the house. I had an urge to go over and meet the people and decided to follow through on the thought. So I introduced myself to the African-American lady who was picking peas and we started talking. She was there with her mother and they were on their way to El Paso for a church conference. She told me she was from Snyder, a town not far from here, and had picked peas from this field twice before. Of course I told her our story, as I am prone to do. Come to find out her husband had a tumor in his brain and is currently undergoing rehabilitation for the damage it caused. This is the amazing part. Before my injury I can’t remember running into situations with TBI (traumatic brain injury) many times, except a former boxer who had obvious issues. Since I woke up I find TBI survivors and caregivers for them everywhere I turn. So we talked and shared. In my quest to find God things are lining up in ways that can no longer be excused as just coincidences. It becomes more apparent as I go that there is an unseen hand guiding our lives, and thus I find evidence of God and His love. It is my daily prayer and it is answered. I told her the blog address and it will be interesting to watch what comes of this.

Who do you think I am?

10/7/09 Wednesday
It’s a chilly morning. Winter is on the way for sure. Today I must see the VA representative as he wasn’t in his office yesterday. I did get the discovery request in to the court yesterday. Cherie brought home another wonderful meal from our church family. We’re getting spoiled with these fantastic meals and are looking forward to eating the leftovers. Especially the chicken casserole we had Monday. We’ll need to inquire about the recipe on that one.

I’ll go back to chopping weeds and preparing garden beds for next year. Learned the hard way that I need to spend all winter getting ready for spring planting. Not doing so put me way behind this year and I never caught up. We are anxiously waiting for the yearly CRP check as that allows us to purchase seed and supplies for next year. Plus it’s when we pay all of our taxes. There will be some inheritance money coming from dad’s estate. Actually it’s from my grandmother on my dad’s side of the family, funds he had control of regarding it’s disbursement. I don’t know how much for sure but know about an amount that he had offered years ago, through my brother Larry. I refused to sign for it unless I could talk to dad in person so never received it. My desire to talk with dad was more than my desire for money despite the fact that I was homeless at the time. It was a confusing time with the effects of the brain injury much greater then. I carefully asked my sister about that, terribly afraid it would be seen as a greedy selfish insensitive thing to bring up.

I am perhaps overly conscious of my image, of how they perceive me. But I know that for the most part I am a stranger to my family, a stranger with a precarious history. Even though I lived in St Louis a year after my brother picked me up from the hospital, he never took the time to get to know me, and even if he had I was such a mess from the brain damage it wouldn’t have given him a true picture. I so want to be accepted and liked by my family. And I so want to dispel notions and perceptions that I suspect exist that I am walking on eggshells. A problem is I only suspect these notions and perceptions but don’t really know what is really there. So it all could be an overworked imagination coupled with a touch of paranoia. What I do know for sure is what my brother wrote and said, and that wasn’t good, so I have to think he relays that to the rest of the family. I’ve got my work cut out for me, to erase a lifetime of mistakes and non communication. Plus I’m still restoring memories. I couldn’t remember many good times in my childhood but when mom showed me the models dad had built it brought some back. Dad had taught me how to build models and it was a joy we shared. I would build model boats, he put in steel shot for ballast, and we would take them to the farm and float them on the lake, where Larry and I would shoot them with the 22. We had a lot of fun on that farm.

So it’s back to here and now. We hope to drill a new water well with any funds we get. The transmission on my truck is starting to slip badly so that needs to be replaced. Then we hope to travel to Toledo where I can catch up on my two boys and many friends, particularly my former secretary’s family. Perhaps I can help Suzie access her mom’s life insurance. Also, Toledo, or northwest Ohio, is a great place to pick up used farm equipment at fantastic prices so I hope to get things vital to running this farm.

That’s it for now. Always work to do.

Life renews

10/6/09 Tuesday
It’s a busy day ahead of both of us. Cherie is real busy at her job as the new pastor is in and with that comes change. She’s an administrative assistant at a church, by the way. Tuesday is always a busy day for her as it’s the day the church newsletter gets put out. There is rain on the way so I want to be ready for it and put out about seven hundred pounds of rye seed for winter. I worked on chopping down weeds, that look like trees because I haven’t kept up with them, yesterday. It was a 94 degree day with high humidity. It quickly reminded me of how out of shape I am and I didn’t finish the section I was working on. I’ll hit that today. Also I plan on writing a request for “discovery” to the court for the traffic ticket. That will ask for evidence I need to fight the ticket such as the type of radar unit and the officer’s training, among other things. Also I’ll drop off information to the Texas VA representative for our dispute with the VA over the disability payments they want back. Plus it’s a poop scoop day so I’ll be going to Midland for sure.

Our church family has been so supportive during this time of sorrow with my dad’s passing. We got lots of cards and a few phone calls too. They are supplying dinner for us starting yesterday and I think ending tomorrow. We had a chicken casserole last night that was wonderful. We also got a full pan of brownies and an apple dish that is rich and good. I love it but guess we’ll put our diets on hold a couple of days.

I’ve been thinking about dad a lot, guess that’s normal. With it comes a lot of worries, and hopes, about the future with my family. My brother is a big concern and I ponder how to approach him a lot, wondering what will work and what won’t. Regardless I won’t sit and do nothing. That’s not me. If you let wounds sit and fester they just get worse and the infection spreads.

Time to get to work.
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It’s noon now. The cold front blew in and sure makes it more comfortable to work out there. With it came dry air. I’ve been working on the blackeyed pea plots, tearing down the weeds and rolling up the drip irrigation tape. I was going to leave it in the ground but learned from a farmer that he always rolled his up. He knows a lot more about stuff than I do so I’m following his advice. I typed the subpoena for information on the ticket up this morning so that’s done.

3:00 – I’m getting ready to head into Midland. A comment made on Monday’s post made me aware of something God wants me to deal with. This is a season of restoration for me, and I am now seeing how God’s hand is miraculously bringing things about. That awareness came as I pondered the comment and all the other things that have been occurring the last few weeks and months. The more I thought on it the more I was able to see the hand of God bringing things about. My dad’s death came with a moment of reconciliation that I will be eternally grateful for. So now it’s time for some restoration and forgiveness here in Stanton. At least I hope it is. This has been on my mind for a while and I started writing a letter for that purpose but never followed through on it.

Last nights sunset. A wonderful greeting home from God

10/5/09 Monday
It’s good to be home, but things aren’t just the same. Oh, I’ll get back into the routine of building this farm but my thoughts are on my dad and family now. There is so much I wonder about in my insecurity. How did I appear to them? What do they really think of me? Was I able to dispel wrong concepts they had? Hell, I don’t even know what concepts they have so there may not even be any wrong ones. Overall it seems to have gone well. I asked Robin if I did ok and she uncomfortably told me “Yes”. I’m sure the question in and of itself was putting her on the spot and caused the discomfort.

So the task of restoration continues. When it comes to my brother there is something going on. Anytime I mentioned trying to talk to him everyone stiffened up. As long as no one talks things don’t get better. I wish I knew what their perception of this is, what has been said by him. I tried to talk to Larry but he ran and pretty much shut down every attempt. He did mention this blog regarding that. To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a word in it that isn’t the truth but that doesn’t mean there can’t be errors. One of the things I hoped to convey is that a common problem with traumatic brain injuries and the memory loss that goes with it is that the TBI survivors must try to fill in the gaps of memory and often comes up with memories that aren’t accurate in doing so. You can read about this in the survivor’s stories on the LA Publishing link on this blog. So I could well be wrong in many of my conceptions of what happened. The problem is that if no one talks to me and shows me these errors I have no way of correcting them. My interest is in the truth, seeking and learning what it is in all areas, not just my own life.

I can so understand the awkwardness of this weekend. One thing I acknowledge is that a man reaps what he sows so most of this is my fault, the result of a lifetime of errors and mistakes. I can’t blame anyone for this but myself. Many people have the habit of blaming others for the mistakes they make and often look for someone else to place the blame on, denying their own culpability. I try not to do this and accept my mistakes, not hiding or running from responsibility. But the flip side is that I expect others to have that kind of honesty and perhaps that’s not reasonable? So in trying to navigate these psychological relationship pitfalls and not trigger negative reactions I must let others maintain their perspective, I suppose. This is where forgiveness comes in. This is where forgiveness becomes the key to unity and restoration. To not to call someone out on a wrong, to not demand honesty, perhaps that is what’s necessary. It’s been 8 years now since I woke from the coma and I am still learning social skills.

So I hope and pray that I made a good impression and that my family is beginning to learn who I really am. I didn’t put on a front for them, I don’t put on a front or false image for anyone. But I did try hard to not cause a problem and say things without thinking them through. There is such sadness here. My dad has died and my mom lost her husband of over forty years. So it’s not all about me. Everyone there lost a dad or friend. Mom held up pretty well, all things considered. She said she was glad to see me and wished it was under better circumstances. There’s the sadness, or at least one of them. We had just started the journey to reconciliation between me and my family when my dad died. But I have received grace in that, because I was blessed with a letter and a short phone call from dad before he passed. That means so much to me.

Mom asked what size shoe I wore and then my shirt size. Much of what my dad wore will fit me so she asked if I would like any of his clothes. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to be anything like what I’d seen in my grandmother’s relatives, who’s greed for things drove them to ransack this house and steal what they could even before she was dead. That disgusts me still. But I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I’m so worried about how I’m perceived that it ties me up some. But dad had nice clothes and his tastes are very much like mine except I prefer button up shirts. I suppose as I get older and working buttons get harder that will change. So I was grateful for the gifts of clothes and shoes. My personality is such that I won’t take something, even if it’s nice, if I won’t use it. Some people just take because they can and end up with tons of things that never get used. I was honest with mom and told her I wouldn’t wear all the shoes but knowing she had closets full of stuff she needed to find a home for offered to take what I won’t use to our church or a ministry that distributes to the poor.

What she gave me that has the deepest value to me is my dad’s watch. It’s not an expensive watch, just a nice Timex, but it was my dad’s. I didn’t have a watch and had looked at getting one before so it’s something I’ll wear and use all the time. What makes it valuable to me is that every time I check the time it will remind me of my father. I have a silver dollar on my key ring that belonged to my grandfather that does the same thing. It provides a link to them, a path to a memory, and provides a sense of closeness that I had always desired for with my dad.

Dad’s hobby was building and flying radio controlled airplanes. This is another area of common interest that we could have pursued together once we reunited. Mom offered the planes to dad’s friend who shared this passion with him. I asked her to show me the planes so she took me out to the garage. There was a P-51 Mustang just like the one I had started to build before I had the wreck. Looking at it and the other planes just amplified the sense of loss. As much as I would have liked to have them and would thrill to fly these planed dad built I didn’t dare ask. Again I don’t want to appear greedy or come off wrong. Besides I had heard her offer the planes to dad’s friend at the funeral so it wouldn’t be right. I think I’ll ask my sister for the friends name and address and offer to buy them from him. I think that would be politically correct but am not sure. It would be sweet to have them. I would make a runway here on the farm and have 80 acres of land to fly them over. And each time I would think of dad.

I have a farm to build and it’s the first day back so enough writing. We did come back to a tick infestation. I suppose eggs hatched while we were gone. There were ticks all over, crawling up the wall even. So we stripped the beds, vacuumed everything, sprayed the dogs, and sprayed the carpets. There’s always lots that needs to get done. I have to harvest Basil seeds before the birds and ants get them and…well tons of other things. So bye now. Thanks for your prayers my friends. We appreciate them greatly.

Today's the funeral

10/3/09 Saturday
It took seven hours to drive to Georgetown. Georgetown is roughly in the center of Texas and we don’t live on a far edge of the state. It reminds us of how big Texas is. It was an 8 hour drive from Toledo to St Louis and that took us into four states, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri. So we were tired by the time we got here. Unfortunately we were too late to meet my sister and family for dinner. That was a real disappointment. I didn’t have a clue how far of a drive it would be. It was a rush to get what we needed (Including a new dress shirt) and have all the animals set for our absence so we didn’t leave until 1:30.

My sister had read the blog and called me. She explained that the “all of us” was her and mom so I didn’t feel as left out as I did. She also is worried about how my brother and I get along during this, as I am too. I tried to assure her that I have every intention to not be a problem, that my concern was my brother based on the virulence of the letter he wrote me a month ago. It had really surprised me and revealed much of what he thinks so has me wondering. So I’m still worried. I had and have no intention of causing any problems. It’s my dad’s funeral. At least I got one letter, that my brother helped write, from dad, and one phone call before he died. I am grateful for that. Very grateful. But I’m nervous, afraid I’ll say something wrong or in some way offend during this hard time. I’m not used to being afraid of anything. So we’ll pray before we go and I’ll appreciate your prayers as well. Pray for peace.

Heading to the funeral

10/2/09 Friday
We’re getting ready to go to Georgetown for my dad’s funeral. There are lots of thoughts running through my head regarding what we’ll find there when it comes to my family and stuff. I’m a stranger to them all and most of the information they’ve had regarding who I am and what I’ve done came from unfriendly sources such as my bitter ex wife. Then there’s my brother, who also displays open bitterness. My sister is the bright spot and the only one who has talked with me, but those conversations have been rudimentary via email. So none of them really know us. Robin told me that dad passed peacefully with “all of us there”. It hurt to not be included in the “all of us”. I had made sure to tell her I was ready to get there at a moments notice in case this happened. So I’m real unsure of what we will find there, especially with my brother and his influence. So pray for that.

My father died

9:32 – My sister Robin just called. Dad passed away. In response to my statement that I wished I could have sat down and talked with him just once that he wasn’t really there for the last week or two so it couldn’t have been. We will leave tomorrow for the Saturday funeral and need to make arrangements for our animals to be cared for while gone. I’m sure I’ll write about this later as writing is a way I have of working through things but right now I just want to work on things and think. We were so close to becoming a father and son again, so close to restoration, so close. Now I wonder what happens next. What happens next regarding my relationship with my brother and the rest of the family. My experience with deaths in families hasn’t shown much good coming out of it and when my grandmother died it seemed to bring out the evil in others as their greed and selfishness became visible. I pray this will not happen.