Tuesday 11-1-05

11/1/05 Tuesday
Wow! Another month gone by in a flash. Time moves quickly when you can’t remember much of what happened in the days before. I can remember lots of things when I go back in this journal for that is one of the reason’s I keep it. It serves as a key to unlock those memories. Not only has the month gone by in a flash but so has the years since my accident.
When I looked at the last part of yesterdays entry I thought I should explain something to keep up with one of the purposes of this journal. That is to bring understanding of TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). I guess it would be more accurate to say “understanding of MY TBI” because everyone’s injury can have different symptoms depending on the extent and locations of the damage. There are some commonalities in most TBI’s such as short term memory loss and the diminishing of emotional control I have. Not only do I have a problem with getting angry and expressing it but I will start crying when a movie hits an emotional moment. Both are embarrassing to me. Of course there is always something positive to be found in anything if you look for it. For me it is in expressing my love for Cherie. No embarrassment there at all.
Last night I checked the E mail address I set up for the blog and was pleased to see a message from one of the readers of the blog. She is also one who has a brain injury. I wasn’t sure if it was 26 years ago she sustained it or if she was 26 years old but it is good to find a kindred spirit. It also helps me know there are readers out there because I get very few responses and it encourages me to keep on. As she briefly described what she has endured since her accident it was a mirror of my experiences in many ways. I hope she continues to write.
It is 11:40 now and I just got back from taking Fred to Big Lots so he could replace the hose to his shower head. Yesterday I ran him around looking for a washer for it because he thought that was why it was spraying all over the place. I had offered to help him fix it but he said he wasn’t helpless and could do it. He is proud like I am and doesn’t want to admit his weaknesses.
It took me two or three years before I would even use the word “disability” when referring to myself. I still don’t like it but have faced up to the fact that I can’t do what I once did. Now I can still do lots and retain much of the intelligence I was blessed with. Some assume I am kind of stupid because of things like not recognizing who I met yesterday but they are mistaken. What I can’t do is process information quickly or deal with multiple issues at the same time.
When Fred called to have me take him to the store he said that Barb wanted me to take her to the church for the food hand out. We had gone through this yesterday when Fred had bought $40.00 of food and we took it to Barb. I told her then I wouldn’t take her so she did what she does. She called Fred and gave him the “I’m starving” guilt trip. I told Fred this morning that I wouldn’t take her so he asked why. I told him I didn’t want to and on his questioning of that told him that I didn’t appreciate how she was acting towards me. When I was driving Fred to Big Lots he brought it up again. I told Fred that Barb gets a check every week for food but she no longer has me taking her to cash it and then to buy groceries. “That money is going somewhere Fred and there is a good chance it’s drugs” I explained. “Fred, you just bought her $40.00 of food yesterday and she has a check coming this week. I will take her to cash the check and then straight to the grocery store to buy food with it but she has to learn how to handle her money because you won’t always be there to bail her out. Beside that I will not do anything that helps her buy drugs.” He tried to bribe me by telling me he will fill up the car even though it is my turn to do so. I really don’t care about the money and am bothered that he would spend $30.00 to get me to take Barb to a food handout where she gets maybe $15.00 worth of food. He is old and his thinking has been going downhill over the two years I have been driving him around. I will do what I can to protect him from himself, Barb, and anyone else who would take advantage of him.
Cherie came home for lunch and I always enjoy her presence. She asked if I have eaten and of course I haven’t. It amazes me that I am getting so fat when I don’t feel the sensation of hunger and forget to eat. She fixed me a chicken sandwich that was so stuffed I had to take it apart and make two sandwiches out of it. We talked about our day and she asked me to make dinner. I love it when she asks me to do things but she seldom does, I think because she feels she must take care of me and do everything. She is getting better at scheduling things for me to do. This is important so I don’t just vegetate.
I am operating at about an 8 today as you can tell by the fact I am writing lots. Right now I will get into the software we bought to help me design the website. No wait. Cherie wanted me to scan a picture of her parents into the computer and touch it up so she can send it to the Toledo Blade for their 50th wedding anniversary. I better do that now while it is on the brain because it will disappear in five minutes if I start anything else. I’ll be back.
I got that done, or at least a part of it. I will have to play with it to get it right and will need Cherie’s advise regarding what looks good and what doesn’t. I am getting tired and probably should take my afternoon nap. Kind of hate to waste the time but it will help me be more there later. I think I will take the manual for the new web building software and read it in bed. If I fall asleep fine but if I don’t I have not wasted the time.
As I tried to read I found that I was getting lost and couldn’t follow the book. It is another slow down. I turned the TV on and after a bit turned it off and curled up under the covers. Carman jumped on the bed and came up to my face purring and demanding attention. I petted him a bit but that got old. I couldn’t really sleep so just got up. The headache is here so I suppose I should take aspirin and Tramadol for it.
I have been thinking of my brother and also of my two boys. I will try to call them again. My ex wife Barb answered the phone when I called. She told me Adam is working two jobs so he is gone from 9:00 AM till 11:00 at night. That is a pretty busy schedule so I understand his not returning calls. I asked Barb to leave a message and hung up. I have no interest in talking to Barb and doubt she wants to talk to me. Too much pain there and we can’t talk civilly anyway.
I hate these slow downs. This one isn’t too bad, I’m running at a 6 or so. Maybe I will try to carve.
No I won’t. The slow down is getting worse. I got dinner started. It is scalloped potatoes and I put the kielbasa in with it so they can cook together. Don’t have a clue how that will work out. I am probably at a three or four. Typing in slow motion. Won’t really know till Cherie comes home cause when I talk I can tell better.
Cherie came home from work and asked if I wanted to go to the park. I had gone to bed by then and she was concerned, knowing I was not up to speed. The park was a good idea regardless of how I felt and I know how much she enjoys it so we went. When I am slow my control of the right side is diminished so I limp badly. Walking helps that and also I believe it helps the slow downs by increasing the blood flow to the brain. We took Cherie’s camera this time because my digital camera doesn’t work well in poor lighting. There were more deer out than we have ever seen before. Probably eight or so. Regardless it is always good to spend time with Cherie.
Bruce returned my call a little while ago. He called from Colorado where he is going through desert and urban warfare training. He will be deployed to Iraq in December. I asked him to call when he gets back home so I could see him before he leaves. He told me about the hardships he is discovering about being a home owner. While he was gone he had one of Adams friends house sit and the kid had a party or two causing some damage. Adam is working two jobs now and Bruce said it was so he could move out of his mom’s house. (The one I bought and she took in the divorce)
I love those two boys and deeply regret not being involved in their lives. The divorce and the slide into madness I had with the depression was a big factor in my losing touch with the boys and then the wreck and brain damage added four years to my absence. I hope to restore my relationship with them but it will be hard.
It is getting late now so I will end today’s entry and retire for the night. Bye y’all.