7/22/06 SaturdayIt is 5:00 in the morning. I just woke up after having one of those strange detailed dreams that sometimes show up. It is a dream that does not fade away when I wake up but remains in my memory. Understanding that this is a way my mind processes often unresolved thoughts that are bouncing around in my subconscious I like to record it. Then I can look at it in the future just to see how it compares to my life at the time.
The dream seems to cover hours of time minute by minute. I am with people I know and am comfortable with and we are going to meet at someone’s house for a dinner. It is honor of someone but I don’t know who. We all part ways to get to this house. Someone is concerned that I may not know how to get to this place. He is with me in the car at first though I never looked over and saw him. As I drive I think I talk to him over a cell phone on walkie-talkie mode. I know to look for a highway marker that identifies the road as state highway 12. Sure enough it is hard to find but sure of myself I make turns on the back country roads I am on. I find it and make the turn. The house is a half mile down the road that ends there. I pull over to change my pants into something more appropriate and do so nervously for fear that if someone from the house saw me they would think ill of it.
Coming into the home I am welcomed and shown to my seat. It is in the middle of a long row of tables along the wall and is on the wall side. Instead of going around and making everyone I must pass scoot up or move to let me pass I leap over the table to my seat. There is no chair but I good naturedly sit on the floor. My eyes are at the level of the table and I have fun with this and everyone likes the humor of seeing me peering over the table top. The leader of this group laughingly instructs someone to fetch me a chair. This done I am welcomed to the group. They are celebrating the life of someone who had recently passed.
Volunteers are requested to clean out this person’s belongings from the warehouse he worked in. I go with them because it is the same place I had my two companies at so was very familiar with it. The management of the building kept an eye on me because of their mistrust. I understand this because it is a result of my actions years ago.
As we start this job we see that we need to dismantle and remove a large boiler type unit. I see many of the desks and woodworking projects that I had left behind years ago when things went bad. There is a desk there that had been stripped in preparation for refinishing. It is a wonderful ornate desk that is as good as they come. It has a matching chair with it as well. I ask the guys if they would be willing to help me move it onto my trailer so I can finish the job.
I go to fetch my car. It is a Cadillac much like the one Fred had. Getting to the front of the building requires that I scale down the side of the building from the third floor we were on. I recognize the building as my old high school when I finally reach the street in front of it. Getting to the car I see a tow truck driver just lifting it up with his truck. He tells me I am lucky and sets it back down. I see that the rear tire has been stolen. The front tire is worn and bald, obviously not safe. As I grouse about the boldness of thieves in the city to steal the tire right in front of the school the tow truck driver tells me he will go and get me a new tire. I look in my wallet and see there is not enough money to pay so I realize I will have to borrow it.
Now I am making my way back to where the desks and the dead guys property are. I must travel a convoluted route that is known to me from the years I had spent in the building. Finding a hidden door I go through but must prevent students from entering it after me. I get to the desk, which my friends have now carried outside. The manager of the building is there and on his phone. He tells me that I now can’t have the desk because one of the tenants decided they would take it. I am not as upset as you would think, understanding that this is a price I pay for my past behavior. I ask nicely if there was anyway I could get this desk so he gets back on the phone. He is strangely cordial to my surprise. I expected a different attitude because of how I had acted years ago. After talking to the fellow who wants the desk he tells me that he still wants it so I was out of luck. I understand and that’s the end.
I woke up at this moment alert so got up, put on a pot of coffee, then turned on this laptop. I was amazed when I went online to find fourteen responses to the post I made on the Homesteader Forum. Just blew me away. I suppose that after all I have been through the last six years I am not used to acceptance. Not only because of my slide into madness where I isolated from the world prior to the accident, wandering homeless after I woke from the coma, but the rejection of the church last year that hurt us both so deeply. It is good not to be alone.
As I was writing this I heard Cherie’s voice crying out in consternation. At first I thought she was having a bad bad dream so rushed to wake her and assure her. She wasn’t having a dream but a Charlie horse cramp in her leg that was excruciatingly painful. I massaged her leg to help it relax. She is up now and got some coffee. Just stubbed her toe on the Victrola records we had recovered from the farm so she decided to go back to bed. This is her day off from work so it is good for her to relax. I don’t know what we will do today. Perhaps I can get the computer over to Denise and install it. That is the third and probably last computer I have the privilege of giving away. Perhaps I will get one for Allen but am unsure if he would want it. Jeff has two more he is willing to donate but I will be responsible and only give them to those who have a use and will appreciate them. Allen’s paranoia may be such that he will fear going online because it will open his life for examination, perhaps by the government. I tried to call him again yesterday but got no reply from the message I left. I also need to call Eileen and see how she is doing.
The back is in pain again. I am sitting with it ramrod straight to lessen it but still migrate into the slouch that exacerbates the pain. Think I will give it a break, post this, and go lay down next to my lovely wife. In thinking about the response from the Homesteader I am wondering if it would be good to direct them to the “What happened” entry that explains things. It reveals some of the unpleasant parts of that time and part of me fears it will alienate me. Nah, I will live by my philosophy of complete honesty. If it bothers someone that is their problem. I was how I was, and I am now who I am, I think a much better person.
If any of Y’all (I can say that cause I’m moving to Texas) wish to read about that just type in “What happened” to the search engine at the top of the blog. Time to give the back a rest.
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