Disability got canceled

Ben playing with Ginger.

4/29/09 Wednesday
I’m feeling rough this morning. Woke up fine but about an hour later started getting that fuzzy headed feeling that is a precursor of things to come. My typing speed tells me I’m slow, I’d guess a five on the bob scale. I’ve loaded the truck with things destined for the landfill. Part of that is a basketball hoop and backboard I’m disappearing for Steve and Janie. The pole is filled with concrete. That hurt when I loaded it on Cherie’s truck. I’m not taking it to the landfill. Don’t want to lift it again. Just dumped it out in the back where so much stuff has gathered.

After the landfill I plan on posting more flyers about Ben. I’m clinging to the hope someone took him home thinking he was lost or abandoned. Gretchen started to take off yesterday evening. I debated calling her back or following in case she knew where Ben was. I called her back. Being in heat her instincts are to go out and find male dogs. I blame her for Ben being gone. She wandered in when we got her and went out exploring just about every day, taking Ben with her. I think she’s responsible for Scooter disappearing. For those who don’t know, Scooter was a little yorkie type dog that appeared one day. When Gretchen went into heat last time, the time she had the litter, it caused a lot of problems with Ben, who was aggressively protective of Gretchen. Scooter just disappeared one day.
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We knew it would happen. I just picked up the mail and there is a letter from the VA stating that my disability pension was discontinued because of Cherie’s income. In fact they suspended it as of December 2003 until we fill out the ream of paperwork and send it in. They will assess us for anything they see as overpayment going back that far. It could be a bunch. So as usual, when things start looking good we get stepped on. But at least Cherie has a good stable job so that’s good. It will be tight but we’ve lived on next to nothing before. This is why I must get the farm going and adds to the frustration on not being able to do so. It also amplifies the depression I’m dealing with. I was looking so hard for Ben on the way to the landfill I ran off the road twice. A lady called and said “You lost a dog?”. My heart jumped in hope but when she said the dog she had was white it sunk back down. If I drank I’d be drunk now. Glad I don’t drink. But it’s hard to keep going. Hell it’s hard to even get going. I look at my failures to get stuff done and think “why try?” But I know why so will trudge through. I’m building a life with and for my wife. I need to keep my eye on that goal and not let the other stuff overcome me. It’s tough when you work hard and fail.