Self fulfilling prophesy

(click to enlarge) Yesterday's sunset

5/13/10 Thursday
We had rain last night, rain that came with some quarter sized hail. It was a quick intense storm as the “dry line” rolled over us. Wasn’t as much volume as I would have liked for it only added a few inches in the many buckets and barrels I have situated under roof eaves. We’ve had some rainstorms that fill them up in moments. There’s a chance of more rain over the next few days so I must focus on getting areas prepared and seeded. I need to prepare at least one of the raised beds with the hope that the asparagus and sweet potatoes are still alive. So much to do and so little time. Sure wish I could afford to pay Mike to help. Through his help we made huge strides forward with this farm but there is still an overwhelming amount of stuff to do. I’ve been fighting off a lot of depression, forcing myself to keep going despite feeling like there is no point. The dogs are a big source of comfort for me as they come to give and get loving with no strings attached. Helps me not focus on the obstacles I face. As has been the case for years my biggest problem is being able to focus and choose the tasks that are most important to do. I end each day realizing what I forgot to do. Need to get back to carrying the notebook so I can write down things as I remember or think of them.

I bought an auger drill bit that is over a foot long. Cost nearly twenty bucks but I need it to drill holes through the railroad ties in order to drive stakes through them and thus keep the ties in place once I fill the beds with dirt. I’ll have to change how I was making them because I may be unable to get more from the old man. I plan on writing to him and ask if he would be willing to sell some. I walk on eggshells with so many people because I seem to cause so many problems or at least am unable to connect with them. This is not unusual with TBI survivors but that doesn’t make me feel any better. What throws many off, perhaps, is the evidence that I am still smart. The other day someone said that if they didn’t know I’d had a brain injury they wouldn’t be able to tell. He said that his first impression was that I was like a professor, someone highly educated. I remember the conversation but don’t remember who I had it with. Typical for me. So when people see that you’re not a total idiot they don’t understand when you say or do things that aren’t very nice or correct. I spend a lot of time worrying about what I said or did, and don’t remember clearly, and think that the very fact I’m so self conscious about it possibly causes the problems I worry about. Kind of a self fulfilling prophesy kind of thing.


I’ve got work to do and it’s only me so odds are the pain level will be an issue today. Moving those railroad ties by myself will certainly hurt but must be done. That won’t hurt as much as bending down to put tiny seeds in the ground will. Regardless, times a wastin so I must get to work.

Pressing on

Rows I created yesterday for planting.

5/12/10 Wednesday
Got a reply to my letter back from the old man yesterday. It was a break in the tension, at least that’s what I believe. I have hope that we can eventually renew our friendship. His last sentence summed things up well when he said “better communication on both sides probably would have helped”. That holds true for almost every problem I have with others. I certainly write better than I talk but my level of blunt honesty surely causes a great deal of stress in others.

All of this has upset Cherie as well. My lack of smooth social behavior has been a problem for as long as she has known me. Actually it’s been a problem ever since I woke from the coma. Even in the hospital I caused problems despite the fact that they were teaching me to talk. The social worker expressed her desire that I leave the state of Oklahoma at one point. This is a common issue with brain injury survivors as we often have drastically altered perceptions of the world around and interpret what we hear and see differently. That comes back to the need to communicate well. Communication is a two way street with the other parties needing to give us feedback on what we are saying and doing. With me that is hard because I have a hard time accepting or recognizing errors in my thought processes and, convinced I’m right, would argue till I was blue in the face. With time I would understand I was wrong but it required a patience on the part of others, a patience that was seldom there.

There is a possibility of rain starting tomorrow so I must focus on getting seed in the ground. Plus I have boxes of asparagus and sweet potatoes that we ordered online a week ago that should have been planted when they arrived. The plan was to plant them in the raised beds I was making with the railroad ties but I with the dust up with the old man I was unsure if we would be keeping them so never finished putting them together. I am so behind now and the funds to pay for help are greatly diminished, so it’s back to being behind the 8-ball again. I still have an obligation to finish tearing down the barn in Crane county but have been unable to find another person at the halfway house to help. That job requires two other individuals because we must tear down the heavy steel frame. I’m trying to reserve some funds for that job but time is eating away at them. Nothing out here comes easy and keeping my word to the barn owner will require sacrifice for sure.

Yesterday my youngest son, whom I raised with the second wife, posted a video on U-tube. It broke my heart for so many different reasons, many of which I won’t go into here. How I miss him and his older brother and how I regret the many mistakes I made during that segment of my life. One of the hopes I have for the vision I have with this farm is to provide for him in some way, to help improve his life. Adam is learning disabled, probably from being dropped on his head while a baby long before his mother and I got together. I so recognize his issues.

Meantime I must march on. There are so many things I haven’t followed through on regarding the business plan that it is depressing. I wonder at times if I should keep striving and think “What’s the use”. But I won’t give up, I’ll keep struggling forward no matter how much I fail and how many obstacles are put in my way. God will provide. He always has and the many small miracles of provision help me continue on. So I press on and refuse to give up.
=======================================================
1:57- I just got back from mowing the old store. This is day four or five of mowing, I’ll have to look back in this journal to see but it’s not that important to me. It sure is hot and has been for a few days. The old store hasn’t been mowed yet this year and we’ve had some rain so the weeds are up there. Don’t know if the old man knows I’m mowing it so will need to let him know. It’s been a tough job on me, in general I get about two hours in before I am done for and hurt too much to continue. I scared up a four foot rattlesnake and ran to get the camera but it disappeared. Without a stick or something like that I wasn’t going to tackle it so continued mowing very carefully, hoping to at least get a picture. Didn’t happen.

So I’m home and will fix something to eat. Probably peanut butter and jelly as that’s always handy. Then there is an urgency to get seed planted and prepare for the hoped for rain. Lots to do there. Started preparing to plant corn and blackeyed peas. I might not be able to get compost mixed in like I want. I’m already beat and it’s only 1:50. One more day of mowing and I’ll be done but getting stuff done here is more important. I have live plants, asparagus and sweet potato we ordered online, that are over a week old and not put in the ground yet. They may be all dead by now. So mowing must wait.
Here's a cool weed that was growing at the old store. Kinda looks like a dandelion but I don't think it is. Real pretty to me. Would like to see the flower, or is it the flower?

Another day

5/11/10 Tuesday
Another day and always more to do than I can get to. I managed to give Rascal and Trixie their tick bath yesterday. Still depressed about the sudden change in the old man and his suspicion of me and my motives. Hope and pray for resolution or restoration or whatever you call it. I like the guy. It just hurt. Not much to write cause there’s so much to do.

Snakes, they are everywhere

(click to enlarge)

5/10/10 Monday
Snakes, they are everywhere, both reptilian and human. We killed our first rattlesnake for the year yesterday. I really hated to do it because snakes help keep the rat and mouse population in check. In fact we could see the swollen spot in the snakes belly where it had eaten such a rodent. But this snake was at the base of the house and because they are poisonous and will kill our dogs, much less possibly even us, I had to get rid of it. Then this morning we found a baby mouse trapped in a bucket and in the last few weeks the cats have killed, or at least found, a few more.

The one that was found still alive we noticed through the commotion of Gracie cat and both Rascal and Trixie as they chased it from cover to cover in the house. So I joined the chase with a broom as Cherie watched from safe distances. It was nuts because the mouse would end up underneath Gracie and Gracie didn’t seem to have a clue what to do with it so would sit there with a mouse hiding between her paws. That’s the one I talked about flushing down the toilet.
This picture shows the fence we put up and you can see on the far side where I'll be building a double door gate.
Now to the human snakes. Someone has been planting poisonous words in the old man’s ears, indicating that I’ve been taking advantage of him and perhaps even stealing. So last week he blew up at me when I went to get the railroad ties he told me I could have. I don’t lose sleep over much and work hard to live a life that I am proud for the whole world to see, but this hurt. There’s a lot of people who have never talked to me but talk about me. I don’t know who all of them are (oh, I know a few by name) but I see the results of their words in the attitudes of people we meet. The old man has been my hope at acceptance for he’s the only one who has spent any time with me and thus should have an idea of the level of my character. Evidently that led those, who’s desire is to tear down, not to build up, to seek him out and tell him what a bad person I am, I’m sure with the veneer of looking out for his own good and protecting his interests.

This hurt deeply. I enjoyed the friendship and company of the old man and would drop everything anytime he called for help. Wrote him a long letter and dropped it off at his house yesterday. Cherie and I have prayed about it and must leave it in the hands of God, in whom we trust. In the meantime I will do my best to fulfill what I consider to be my obligations to the old man and perform the tasks I told him I would do. To me that’s part of being a man and the creed I live by. I will say what I mean and to the best of my ability do what I say. The last part has become hard for me because I find myself making promises that end up being difficult to keep. My world is full of unfinished projects, things I started but seem to never finish.

The scripture I read with Cherie this morning for the start of our day relates to this. Most of us have heard John 3:16 hundreds of times, you know “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” but I like to read all of a verse and not just pick out part. It amazes me that Jesus told this to the disciples early in his ministry and it’s clear that Jesus always knew He would be killed, but they couldn’t quite grasp it till after His death. Down in verse 19 it says, “And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

I live my life as an open book, exposing myself through this blog and working to live a life that there is no shame in. But it seems that very openness is one of the main reasons some of the church people reject and shun me. I was told clearly that they didn’t appreciate me keeping this journal, and I guess I understand that but at the same time find it sad that they should be ashamed and in their shame act in ways that are clearly contradictory to their stated beliefs. My desire is that all would come together in the Love of Christ and for their forgiveness for what I saw as honesty. Like it says in 1 Corinthians 13 “Love is patient and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, things no evil; love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

So there are snakes, and they cause pain, but I choose to love them despite that. I’ve reached out to those I’ve offended but even that was not received. That’s ok, God judges and takes care of things.

I went back to the prison Saturday. It was great to see the guys we met last week and see how they are doing. Here, in prison with all kinds of evil and hate around, we found love and even joy. What a wonder it is to see these men, who live with so much pain and the results of bad decision making, caring for each other and coming to deeper walks with God. Unfortunately there was a fight in a cell block and an inmate was killed so we were “Locked down” for a bit, but that’s ok. It just illustrates the difficulties these men must face every day. I was asked to give a talk on loving those whom are hard to love. Not sure how well it went for I didn’t have any time to prepare, but it’s a subject I know well.

Building the farm moves on, little by little, with constant setbacks. Mike and I were able to stretch fencing last week and got one plot done. I still must build gates and fence in two more plots, especially in order to grow melons. I fear that this year will be like last year was for much of what I planted did not come up and I am so behind on things. We no longer have funds to pay for the help I was so grateful for. They say it might rain Thursday or Friday so I must rush to get some seeds in the ground. It’s a shame that the well water is so bad for I must depend on the rare West Texas rains now. But I’ll keep plugging along.



The railroad ties I got from the old man would have helped greatly but that resource is apparently gone. Here’s some pictures of the damage the wind causes. One shows how it exposed my onions and left them bare. We covered them back with dirt and the wind promptly exposed them again. The next picture shows two rows. One I had just built back up and the other had at one time looked just like it but is now flat with the drip tape exposed. That tape had at one time been buried deep in the ground.



I’ve got work to do and it’s going to be close to a hundred degrees so I must get out there while it’s still cool. The wind will be back today, predicted to hit forty miles per hour at points. Be blessed my friends and have a good day. Remember, God loves you.

Kairos weekend, God is good

5/4/10 Tuesday
Wow, hard to believe we’re already four days into May already. I have much to write about and told Mike to take the day off in order to free up time to write. This morning started out rough, with Cherie experiencing intense pain on her right side, so I took her to the emergency room. Finding where to go at the Midland hospital was tough because of all the construction and poor or unclear signage. When we finally made our way in it was noisy and chaotic because of the construction. Cherie was back and forth about whether to go or not, even after we got there, but the pain was pretty bad. She decided that this is caused by a kidney stone, a problem she has had several times now so is familiar with. The final straw came when, after being told Cherie was experiencing severe pain, the nurse exclaims “Jesus Christ” in disgust as if Cherie was just someone using the facility without a real need. With that Cherie decided to leave, go home, and tough it out. So I brought her home. Cherie will take the day off work and keep moving till this thing passes. I’m mixed on that, having great concern for her and understanding the potential for this pain to be something serious, but on the other hand trusting her past experience and not desiring to run up another hospital bill.

I need to write about the Kairos experience, not just to record the event for my memory but also for the families of some of the inmates. When the word got out that I would be writing about it on the blog several inmates came to me and got the address so that they could have friends and family out in the free world go online and read about it. Too bad I can’t post pictures, camera’s are a big no no there. In fact we can’t take cell phones or much of anything else inside the prison.

So now I must strive to remember the events of those four days. That will take some effort and unfortunately much of what happened I will be unable to remember, but much of it I will never forget. The difficulty will be in trying to convey the depth of feeling that was there, of the Spirit that permeated the event. It’s one of those “You had to be there” kind of things.

I rode down to Fort Stockton with Ron, a character in his own right. Ron has an IQ equal to what mine used to be before the brain injury and has a good understanding of the effects and consequences of TBI. It was a pleasure to talk with him. I can’t recall if we went to the church everyone met at and was the central headquarters and kitchen for the event, or if we went to the prison first. That’s how it works with my memories; my mind doesn’t put time stamps on them so it’s hard to figure out what happened when.

The church is a store front church in downtown Fort Stockton. It has a large commercial kitchen in it so might have at one time been a restaurant. In it is where the “outside angels” worked hard at preparing the foods along with printing materials and performing a world of other tasks, not the least of which is praying for us while in the prison. We would all meet there every morning to have breakfast along with discussing and planning each day. When we would head out to the prison the angels would send us out with song and clapping hands and when we came back at the end of the day we were received the same way.

Everyone was concerned about me and kept asking “Are you ok?”. I presumed their concern was based on the fact that I’d been in prison before so they were worried about how I would handle it, but in retrospect I realize that might not have been the case. My worry was about the effects of the brain injury, if the stress of being there would trigger the petite seizures that hound me, and I had shared that concern with some. I did very well, no slowdowns though I did have a few moments where that feeling of being overwhelmed and I could sense the precursors of a slowdown, but nothing came of it. Being in the prison itself didn’t bother me, it’s an arena I am deeply familiar with and there is a security that exists with familiar surroundings. It did bring back lots of memories, memories long since buried in the recesses of my mind. For me, it’s good to remember. These memories make it clear again the results of bad decisions, the wages of sin, if you will. They remind me of how blessed I am to be alive and free, of how close I came to being neither one of those.

The first day was a learning experience for both us and the guards. Many of them had not seen a Kairos weekend and it’s quite outside the realm of normal activity within a prison. For me it was all new anyway and I was careful to observe and do what I was told. I just remembered that Ron and I had driven down early to participate in a training session at the prison, where we met the chaplain and assistant warden.

Anyway, the way it was set up is that there seven large round tables that each would seat seven inmates and two or three of us “volunteers” (that’s what we’re referred to as). Each table was named after a disciple of Jesus. My table was the “James” table. There were name tags at the tables, each one with a string of yarn so they could be hung around our necks. My memory isn’t clear but I don’t think they set up the tables till later in the day, or perhaps even the second day. There were chairs set up facing each other all around the room. This was all in the gym, by the way. As the guys were called out of their cells and arrived in the gym, their name was announced. Each of us had a list of guys we were “sponsoring” and had that person’s name tag with us. I only had one name on my list and some others had up to three. This being my first ever Kairos I was happy to only have one name. In prison things always change so the guy who’s name I had never showed up. Whether he had gotten in trouble so lost the privilege or perhaps been transferred to another prison I don’t know. There were alternate names just for this contingency and I went through three of those before I was matched up with someone. I’m not at liberty to say the full name but I can tell you I called him Charlie.

Charlie and I hit it off at once. There was an instant bond between us as we talked. I never asked any of the guys we met what crime they had committed to be there and really don’t care. Charlie and I have similar backgrounds and drug use is a central source of our problems. When he learned I had been in prison before it helped greatly with his ability to feel free to talk.

Because my ability to remember is jumbled I am unable to go through the events on a day by day basis, other than the last day. That one was unique so easily distinguishable from the others. Besides that, by the time we got to the last day I was much more relaxed and able to take in what was happening. So I’ll cover the whole thing in rather general terms.

There was a huge cloth banner put up that stretched clear across the gym and served as a wall, behind which was an area referred to as the chapel. We all would go back there on a regular basis and there would be some songs sung, prayers read, and talks or devotionals given. Then we would return to the tables and discuss the subject talked on. During the day there were three (or maybe four, I’m not totally clear) major talks given in the main area where our tables were.
Me with my grandmother when she came to visit me in prison. This is 1975 or so.

All in all it was a moving experience. You know, good people do bad things and bad people can choose to become good. I heard so many stories of destroyed lives and poor decisions. All of them were familiar stories that I’ve heard before, even the one about having a mother who was a prostitute and growing up in that environment. Sin is sin and the results are always the same, especially in the long run. What I know is that each one of these men desire to be good and to repair the damages they’ve done. What I also know is that without help, and especially without God, they have drastically reduced chances of overcoming the demons of their past. Jesus said “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothing and cloth you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go visit you?” The Lord will reply “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me”.

When they heard my old prison number several sought me out to talk. Having “Been there and done that” helped them to confide in me and gave me a credibility that enhanced things.

I wanted to write more about this but got some bad news and am having a hard time focusing. God is good and I’ll trust in that.

Going to prison

4/28/10 Wednesday
We’ve been busy. Got a load of railroad ties yesterday and today Mike and I laid them out where two of the raised beds will go. First I had to work to level the ground out. That meant firing up the Massey Ferguson and wrestling with it to get it to go where I wanted. It took a while to get things done marginally well and then we unloaded and stacked railroad ties.

4/29/10 Thursday
This morning the pain level is high, an expected result of moving all those railroad ties. As we worked yesterday Mike kept asking “Did you move all these by yourself? How did you do that?” referring to the raised beds I’d made last year and the telephone poles put in as fence posts along with the two fifteen foot posts I installed at the end of the garage. I explained that I would move things a few inches at a time until it got done and dragged some of them with the truck and a chain. Some stuff took days to get done and required rest till the pain went down. Mike kept worrying about me hurting my back as we worked together carrying the railroad ties so I told him “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be ok”. Carrying loads will strengthen my muscles and help keep me strong as the years go by, thus enhancing my quality of life when I hit the 60’s (as in over 60 years old, an age I one time never expected to reach but now plan for.
Cherie's rose bush.
We set the alarm for 5:00 this morning to get up and ready for the Kairos prison ministry trip. This is not going to be convenient as far as timing goes for there is so much to do that is at a critical time regarding the farm. I am already overwhelmed and behind schedule, but this is something that will help others and placing others needs before your own is a principle I try to practice.

The trip will last 4 days, a big chunk out of my schedule. I just decided to take this laptop with me so hope to have internet access in Fort Stockton. Got to get dressed and ready to leave. For those of you who pray, remember me during this event as we go into the prison to work with the inmates.

Pictures tell the story

It's windy again. I have Mike from the halfway house working for me today. Was going to have two guys working but Cherie looked at our finances and informed me that wasn't smart as we've gone through most of the stock money already. Nuts, there's so much to do. I'm tired but that's nothing new. Work till it gets dark and I can't do any more. It's already 2:00 and I don't want to spend a lot of time writing so I'll post pictures. Organizing and playing with this so that descriptions end up near the pictures is a time consuming pain so I'll post descriptions and let you figure it out. The first picture is of a Tohoca daisy or something like that. Cherie says that's the name and they are growing wild all over here so she asked if I could transplant some near the house, which I did.

The second picture shows the disc I bought for fifty bucks and why it was so cheap. Many of the bearings wore right through the steel and some of the disc's themselves are broken and need to be welded. I bought a cheap welder at harbor freight but doubt it's up to the job. Trying to save money might have just wasted it.



Third picture shows where I tilled in the area where cantaloupes were planted last year and probably again this year. You can't see it but there is drip irrigation installed for about fifty yards. Next I must make hills around each dripper with compost and other good stuff and then plant seeds.

This picture shows how I must relearn what I learned the year before. That lesson would be that the drip tape must be buried deep underneath the row. I know I experienced this last year, the rain and wind exposing and blowing away the tape, but wasn't able to remember so I repeated last years mistakes. Now I must go back through the rows and rework them all to bury the tape. Would have been easier to remember but that's part of living with a brain injury.




The mint and other things in the herb garden are going crazy. Just booming up there in growth. Tomorrow I plan on getting another batch of railroad ties and Mike and I will build a bunch more of the raised beds. These will go in the area we have strawberries growing now and many of them will become strawberry beds but there are plenty of other things we can put in as well.



Speaking of strawberries, look at these. I picked the whole bowls worth yesterday. They are tasty, way more flavor than what you can get at the store. Oh they might not be as big but the flavor is big.





I used the plow to dig these furrows on the ridge where our windbreak trees are. This way I am able to bury the drip tape deeper as a permanent installation. The sunflower seeds I ordered to grow on this ridge just came in today. After Mike levels the dirt off and covers the tape we will sow more Bermuda grass. Picture in your mind all of this covered in nice green grass and you can catch a glimpse of my vision for the farm. Time to get to work.

Life comes from death

4/21/10 Wednesday
It’s 9:45 am and I just came in from digging post holes. The pain level is high but that’s expected and nothing unusual when I’m out working. It’s time to take one of the pain pills that I both hate and appreciate at the same time. I’d prefer not needing them and dislike the idea of taking a drug that can be addicting, especially because there was a time in my life that drugs were a problem. But they allow me to keep going, making the pain tolerable, so I am careful about it.

As I worked I once again contemplated the relationship between death and life. Back in the day I wore a T shirt that said “Death is certain, Life is not”. It was one of my favorite shirts that showed a giant grim reaper with dozens of agonized souls in it’s bony hand. At that time this was a central part of my philosophy but that sure has changed now. Yes it’s true that death is certain but there are now some truths I live by that reduce the uncertainties of life.
Here's a wildflower Cherie found growing on our CRP acres and had me transplant to the front yard. Don't know what it's called but they look good. There's some purple daisies she wants me to transplant as well but I haven't gotten to them yet.

Now I say “There is no life without death”. “Oh! That’s morbid” some might think when they hear this but it’s a truth that reaches into many aspects of life. Think about it, everything you eat was at one time alive and it’s through it’s death you receive nutrition and thus life. As I regarded the blessings of our life, the miracle of Cherie and I being restored and building a life on this farm, I realized that even this came through death. The farm is our inheritance and became available when my grandmother died. Even the tractor and many of the tools and supplies I have this year are a result of my father’s death and the inheritance I received. Actually that inheritance was from his mother that he had held onto for forty years and I only got once dad died.

But more importantly, my life came through my death. Sure, in the Christian theology there is a death to self and your old life that is required, a spiritual death so to speak, but in my case there was a literal, physical death. (I’m still listed as a fatality by the State of Oklahoma on the accident report) When I woke from the coma it was as if I was a child again. I had to have my diapers changed and was spoon fed what could only be described as baby food. Then they taught me how to talk and how to walk. At the time the prognosis was that I would be a vegetable the rest of my life. It was a long road from there to where I am now, but what a wonderful journey that’s been, despite the hardships that would stop some in their path. Through this death and subsequent restoration of life I was able to see what I had been blind to prior to the wreck. I saw the waste of life I was practicing, the worthlessness of drinking, using drugs, women, and partying all the time.
The car I died in. Actually I was flung out of it according to the accident report.
Oh I had money and drove a fantastic car, I had my companies and the prestige that went with that, but I didn’t have life, not like I do now. These days things are tight, my truck only has two gears that work and doesn’t look pretty, and…well I could list all the things that aren’t perfect but that’s not the point. It’s not what I don’t have but what I do that’s important. You see, I believe I’m one of the richest people in the world for I have what money can’t buy. I have my wife, my first and now third wife through the miracle of the circumstances following being raised from the dead. I know that sounds overly dramatic but the fact is I was declared dead at the scene, life flight was called off, I was covered up and loaded in the ambulance for transport to the coroner, and came back to life.

I have eternal life through God, who loves me so much He sent His son to die in my place. So through His death I have not just life but eternal life in heaven with Him. But it’s important to note that I have a better life here on earth through Jesus, that by living and practicing the moral principles found in the bible I can avoid many of the pitfalls that would ensnare me and drag me back into the living death I once practiced. So I strive to give life now, give the gift I’ve been given to others so that they too can be free of the chains that bind them, the habits and practices that bring death, not life.

There is no life without death, and through death you can find life.

It’s time to get back to work. The medication has taken effect and sitting in this chair for an hour has allowed the pain to subside. This evening Ron Charles arrives and Cherie and I are so looking forward to picking him up at the airport. Be blessed y’all. I know that some of my friends and readers don’t share my faith in God and hope you are not offended by my openness. Please understand that I am not offended or judgmental of you and that through the life I’ve lived and things experienced comprehend many other belief (or lack of belief) systems. I’ve seen others who tried to cram their religion down your throat and know the uncomfortable feelings that brings up so have no desire to be seen that way. I just love life, the gift of life I’ve been granted, and share that with you.

Met people, Pushing through

4/20/10 Tuesday
Went to a public meeting that had representatives from several state and federal agencies dedicated to rural and agricultural development. It was good from the standpoint of the people I connected with because I learned only a few things I didn’t already know. But it’s people that are the key to our obtaining the help needed to pursue the dream. Unfortunately I can feel a slowdown coming right now. It’s 1:43. I want to process and record what was said at the meeting but fear it will be lost because of another seizure.

I had planned on going to Midland this morning to dig up and take home all the pecan tree seedlings I wanted but received notification of the meeting last night. I’m sure I can get the trees at a later date. Discovered why the wheel was wobbling on my tractor. Seems that three of the six bolts holding in on had worked their way loose and fallen out. That’s a lot better than having a wheel bearing fail. Tractor Supply didn’t have the bolts in stock so I got them at the John Deere dealer in Stanton this morning after the meeting. As much as I want to get those trees I am pressed to finish disking the five acres because the sun is out and the ground will dry quickly. At least I can run the tractor during a slowdown. When the slowdown/seizures are bad I won’t drive my truck, especially in traffic in Midland, but the tractor is slow, steady, and uneventful (most of the time) so doesn’t require quick thought or action so is safe. I can feel this damn thing coming on hard so it might be a bad one. Will push through no matter what, like I usually do. Got a headache rising up as well. So it’s an attack for sure. Thinking’s getting hard. What was I going to do? Got to get diesel for tractor. Better get moving or I’ll get lost. This sucks. But I’m blessed despite it. Hope it doesn’t last long.

We are grateful

4/19/10 Monday
The start of another week and it promises to be busy. Ron Charles will be flying in Wednesday night to tape 24 sessions for GLC. He’ll be so busy with that that there will be little time for visiting or much else. I look forward to seeing him and will be blessed to serve him in anyway I can, in addition to learning from his teaching as he tapes the programs.

Cherie and I went to the master gardeners’ sale Saturday and Cherie bought three rose plants along with several other plants. Yesterday I made this bed for the rose bushes on the north side of the house. Little by little we are creating a home here.


You can see the little ditch I dug in back to run the drip irrigation to this area.

After days of rain we had our first sunlight and break yesterday. It didn’t rain Saturday but by the time we got done doing everything we had to do it was getting dark so I wasn’t able to work on the farm. But there’s things that won’t wait so we didn’t go to church Sunday and I went straight to work. One of the important things is to till the soil while it’s still damp so I got on the tractor at about 7:30 yesterday evening. I ran it hard but noticed that one of the front wheels is wobbling real bad, a sign that perhaps we lost a bearing. Nuts. I’d done 2/3rds of the disking but decided I’d better park the tractor till I can check it out. Last thing I need is to have a wheel fall off in the field. Looking at that is high on the agenda for today.

There’s always a lot to do and without Alan here to help it makes things a lot harder. Yesterday I bought fence posts to use with the 800 plus feet of field fence we bought to enclose some of the plots. I’ll need to build gates for this project as well. I saw landscape timbers at Lowe’s while looking at fence posts and they are much cheaper so picked up 20 of them. They will work very well to hold up the fence in between the areas I put telephone pole posts in and it saves us a few bucks. I need to hurry up and dig the postholes while the ground is still wet. It turns brick hard when dried out.


That money we got from selling the stock won’t last long at all. In fact it’s already dwindling quickly and we’re being careful, buying only things we need, with one possible exception. That would be a copier/scanner/printer we picked up at Best Buy. One of the important things we are doing is trying to get the office organized and set up for this first year in business as a farm. We have three printers and a scanner floating around the office that are adding to the clutter. With the way we reorganized the furniture to accommodate the file cabinet we were blessed with the cords aren’t long enough to hook them up. Plus our Mac is wireless and has Bluetooth so we decided to take advantage of that. This HP unit came wireless ready so now we can print from our laptops and the Mac anywhere in the house and there are no wires to run. We consider this a long term investment that will see a lot of use as the business grows. It whips out copies in seconds, (like 2 seconds for a full sheet of just type) so when it comes to making flyers it will be nice.

We still have created our website. We got the domain name for it a couple of years ago, knowing it will be a vital part of the business. But neither of us are really savvy when it comes to designing websites, plus we haven’t had time with all the other things going on. But it’s getting to that time where it needs to be done.

Unfortunately none of this will matter if I can’t get our water problem solved. The central ingredient to farming is growing crops and the water has gotten so bad that almost none of our seeds germinated. I have barrels placed under roof eaves that filled with rain water during the storms we can use but that won’t last long. One of the investments I must make with the stock money will be for the water. I’m just not sure what to do and must study on that more. Putting in a rainwater harvesting system is a goal. That requires installing rain gutters and piping all the run off to a large tank that holds perhaps 6,000 gallons or more.



This picture shows the sand and then mud that came in through our windows in the office. This sand gets everywhere, including in our computers and printers. There’s no question it will, or has, caused harm to the equipment. So I caulked the windows shut. If we need air we will open the door. Caulking all the windows unfortunately won’t stop all the sand as it blows in even through the baseboards along the walls and we can spot every pinhole in the wall by the read streak left from the fine sand that is forced through.



Our strawberries are doing well and survived from last year. We picked some of them and they are much sweeter than they were last year, and bigger to. I presume that’s because the plants are established now and not stressed because they were just planted last year and struggling to survive. I hope to propagate as many as I can. This variety is advertised as able to produce in hundred degree weather. The other varieties we tried didn’t make it at all.

That’s it for now. I’ve got lots to do so have little time to spare writing though there is much more to say. Mondays are the days that have some of the highest numbers of readers visiting this blog so I want to make sure I let y’all know what’s going on. I appreciate all of you visitors and am often encouraged by your comments and emails. There is so much I don’t write about that I should to give a better picture of our life.

This picture is from our first wedding.
The biggest part of that is the love that Cherie and I have for each other, how we complete and support each other. It doesn’t matter how hard things sometimes are, with my seizures and coping with the effects of this damaged brain, with tight finances and dreams that seem just out of reach, and everything else, because we have each other. We often talk together about that, about what a miracle our lives are. And the question comes up “Where would we be if we hadn’t gotten back together?”. Cherie one time said that she didn’t think she would still be alive, and I suspect that I would have returned to drugs and drinking, not caring about my future and where I would be. So we are acutely aware of God’s grace and His hand in our lives, of the miracle and wonder of our being reunited and the difference it has made in the quality of our lives. And we are grateful, grateful for life and the future we are able to work towards.




Like it says on the plaque I carved while recovering after the wreck “Love Life. Live a life you can love. Become a person you can be proud of. All things can teach wisdom, If you look for it. Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has real lasting value is the lives we touch.

Y’all have a good day.

Friday

4/16/10 Friday
The rain has stopped, finally. Now I must wait till things become a little less muddy before I get out and take advantage of the wetness. This will help me pull up some of the mesquite trees and also to compact some pathways I’m making. In addition to that I will sow as much of the Bermuda grass as I can and will probably have to resow some areas because the seed washed away. With the ground wet it will be easier to dig more post holes so I might mark out where we want to build a barn and chicken house for the telephone poles that will be a big part of those. It’s a shame Alan isn’t here anymore cause I sure could use the help. Guess I should go to the Stepping Stone ministry and see if there’s anyone there who would like to work.

I’ll be going to the prayer luncheon at the HeBrew coffee house this afternoon and need to leave in a few minutes. Ron Charles is coming back to town next week

True Christian love denies self

4/15/10 Thursday
It’s raining, praise the Lord. We prayed for rain and there’s been moisture for two days. Yesterday was more like a light sprinkling that dampened the ground but that was perfect for the Bermuda grass seed I sowed. Today it’s serious rain that will help greatly wash the chlorides from our well water out of the soil. Most of what we planted, as far as seeds, didn’t come up. I noticed an oily film on the dogs water the other day and have to wonder if that came from the well water but realize it could well have gotten there from other sources as it’s next to the garage door. We definitely need to get the water tested.

I see that I haven’t posted on the blog since Monday. I post on Facebook more often as it’s convenient and I write shorter posts. Y’all are welcome to visit me on Facebook. Not sure the correct way of finding it but it’s simply listed under my name, bob Westbrook. Cherie used to keep up with what I was doing from work through Facebook but they put in a firewall that blocks all Facebook stuff.

Before
I ran the tractor for three hours yesterday morning because it was past time to till under the rye grain as it was starting to develop seed heads. Unfortunately it was raining so I got soaked through. Even my boots soaked through and are still wet this morning. But that’s how it is, you do what you have to do when you need to do it. With the wind and cooler temperatures I certainly got chilled to the bone. I also ran the disc over the pathways to loosen the soil and then sowed more of the Bermuda grass. The urgency to do this was to take advantage of the rain. This is a vital part of our long term goals regarding creating an attractive place of business in addition to our home so getting this grass established is important. I have to take advantage of the rains because we unfortunately can’t water the seeded areas from the well as that will actually kill the seeds, or at least prevent them from germinating. As soon as it clears up I will get out and sow more of the seed before the ground dries.
After

Unfortunately we weren’t able to get the ground all leveled out as we would prefer. Just didn’t have time and funds before the rains came. Speaking of funds, we sold some of the stock so now have a few dollars to spend on building the infrastructure of this farm/business. I will have to spend it wisely and carefully for it won’t last long. Much of it will be spent on labor and gathering materials for future building projects. We plan on putting in a poultry operation at some point. That will be a good source of revenue, both from the free range eggs and organic meat. Eventually I’m thinking of having a hundred chickens but we’ll work up to that slowly and figure it out as we go. My grandmother used to have some chickens out here and I remember just how much better the eggs and meat was than what you could get at a store. But in all of this there’s a learning curve as it’s all new to me.

Now that we have some funds I’ll gather more telephone poles, railroad ties, and we’ll finish tearing down that barn in Odessa. All of this material will go a long way in building the barn, chicken house, and other things we would like. Plus I’ll finally be able to buy the fencing that is needed to surround each garden plot, thus keeping coyotes, rabbits, and our dogs out, along with possible pilferers, a concern after all our cantaloupe was stolen last year. Had some of the posts up for over a year but never had the finances or help to finish the job

I love this high speed internet we have from Stelera. We are now able to listen to radio (or at least music) and can also watch videos and shows because it downloads or streams fast enough. With the music it makes available things like Jazz, orchestra, and other venues like Christian that otherwise we can’t get out here. I’m trying to find some gentle stuff on a Christian station that works well in the background but had to change channels twice now cause they came up with some hard rock or rap style that disturbs the spirit.

This illustrates how deep a change there has been in me. I used to be a hard rock head banging guy that loved being up front at concerts. Now my soul desires that which is soothing and gentle and what I used to find pleasure in grates. Part of this is probably from the brain injury but a lot of it is a change in my outlook on life, on what is good and what is not. I am more aware of the spirit behind things, of that which corrupts and that which builds up and promotes the good. This morning I decided to fast and will try to pray more as I strive for a closer walk with God, whom I seek.

Looking outside I see that the barrels I placed under eaves to catch rain water are mostly full. That’s good and will be used on the crops as much as possible, especially when everything dries up again as it always does in the desert. Eventually we will install rainwater catchment systems to capture as much of it as we can, but like everything that takes money.
Alan with Carman Kitty. Carman isn't shy about getting pets from him.

Alan has reached a decision that I can’t disagree with even though it’s not what’s best for me. It was brought on when he had a tooth infection and learned he needs an expensive root canal. Looking for a dentist and medical help made him realize that he needs a job that offers medical benefits, something we can’t offer. For that matter we can’t even offer him a stable income. So he decided that moving his mobile home onto our property, with the requisite commitment to work here and be a part of building the farm, wouldn’t work. He found what sounds like a great deal on some land that he can buy and put his home on. I totally understand that, to have a place of his own, a place he owns and can call home. Plus there’s the practical need of a steady income and medical benefits. Sure it’s a blow to us but agape love, the love Christians are supposed to have, is one that chooses for the highest good of the other person, what’s best for them, not what’s best for you. It doesn’t do any good to talk and not practice what you believe, in fact that does great harm to the message of Christ. Alan was worried, or at least not looking forward to letting me know this, but I encouraged him to pursue that course. He’s a good man and needs all the support he can get to make a new life for himself. As much as I'll miss the help I'll miss the company more. It's nice to have someone to talk to and work with.

What else? There’s so much to do that I’ve neglected. Mostly work and research for the business plan and following through on things I’ve started in that regard. I can’t remember much of it so the need to get organized makes itself known. With that in mind I must quit writing this and get to work. First on the list is to rearrange the office as Cherie and I discussed to take advantage of the file cabinet we were blessed with and reduce the clutter that’s gathered everywhere. I do have to run into Midland today and drop off stuff Cherie asked me to take care of for her. I also want to purchase the tall Bermuda seed that will be sowed on the outlying five acres. It’s not regular lawn type grass seed but graze that grows almost two foot high and will provide permanent cover in addition to helping fight off the weeds. It’s not cheap, but that gets back to long term investments in creating this farm. Plus later we can harvest it for hay if so desired.

Dumpster diving

Last nights sunset

4/12/10 Monday
There’s a chance for rain for the rest of the week. It’s not a strong chance, just scattered thunderstorms that could be severe. So we’ll pray for rain and hope it doesn’t come with damaging wind and hail. We need the rain badly to help wash the chlorides from the soil and also with the hope it will cause the seeds we’ve planted to germinate. Out of twenty fifty foot rows only a handful of seeds have sprouted and they are primarily squashes and melons though it looks like one of the lettuces has a few sprouts showing. If we get rain I’ll rush out and replant as much of it as I can and have still have seeds of.





Spent much of yesterday preparing more rows for planting. The ground is rock hard from the lack of rain so that was a painful exercise. I don’t know if Alan will show up for work or not. He wasn’t at church so may have gone to Dallas to visit family. Let him know last week that we sold half our stock so would be able to pay him and asked that he come to work. I sure need the help.



We need to finish tearing down that barn in Odessa. The lady emailed me about it. I talked to Eric and he said I could use his cutting torch for the job. Now that we have funds coming we can afford to finish this job and the materials gained can be used to build a barn here on the farm. Nothing comes easy but bit by bit I’m building this farm despite all the obstacles that come up.










There have been no serious bites on the truck and trailer we’re trying to sell and that may be a good thing cause I certainly need it to get the rest of that barn. Eric tried for a week to place an ad with the paper but their online thing is down so he wasn’t able to. Here’s where trusting that God has things under control comes into play. He’s smarter than me (Duh) and knows our needs and the future, so perhaps that’s why the truck hasn’t sold. I’ll relax and not worry about it.





You can see where I cut two liter bottles to use as protection for plants. These are pepper plants.


Cherie’s been having a hard time with doing our taxes. I had to tell her to call it a night and come to bed at 2:00 in the morning. She’s so fretted up and frustrated about it that she couldn’t let go and go to sleep. I made the decision that we will pay someone to do our taxes. She kept trying to use turbo tax but it kept balking when it came to our CRP payment and jacked everything up to us owing over a grand. With this farm there is no longer such a thing as simple taxes. Seems that there is an automatic 400 dollar fee for me being “self employed” because we own the farm despite the fact we haven’t made any money. But there are plenty of expenses, such as the tractor we bought, that can be deducted. So no easy simple form for us. Knew that would happen but figured it would be for this year, not last. We’ll file an extension to give us time.








That’s it for now. There’s moisture in the air and work to do. I went dumpster diving yesterday after church. We need containers to protect the plants from the wind so I went to Aldridge nursery, where I know there are often discarded plant pots. And there were. There weren’t as many of the larger ones I prefer but as you can see there were a lot of smaller ones that will work just fine. I’ll spend part of the day cutting the bottoms out of them and then transplanting the pepper plants. Plus I’ll uproot some more of the mint plants and start them in pots for sale at the farmers market. I’m sure that there are plenty of people who would love to have a mint plant growing in the house because they smell refreshingly great, and it’s nice to be able to pull a couple of leaves off for tea and other things.





Some tomato plants made it and some didn't. No rhyme or reason for it, at least that I know but I'm still learning.