Pressing on

Rows I created yesterday for planting.

5/12/10 Wednesday
Got a reply to my letter back from the old man yesterday. It was a break in the tension, at least that’s what I believe. I have hope that we can eventually renew our friendship. His last sentence summed things up well when he said “better communication on both sides probably would have helped”. That holds true for almost every problem I have with others. I certainly write better than I talk but my level of blunt honesty surely causes a great deal of stress in others.

All of this has upset Cherie as well. My lack of smooth social behavior has been a problem for as long as she has known me. Actually it’s been a problem ever since I woke from the coma. Even in the hospital I caused problems despite the fact that they were teaching me to talk. The social worker expressed her desire that I leave the state of Oklahoma at one point. This is a common issue with brain injury survivors as we often have drastically altered perceptions of the world around and interpret what we hear and see differently. That comes back to the need to communicate well. Communication is a two way street with the other parties needing to give us feedback on what we are saying and doing. With me that is hard because I have a hard time accepting or recognizing errors in my thought processes and, convinced I’m right, would argue till I was blue in the face. With time I would understand I was wrong but it required a patience on the part of others, a patience that was seldom there.

There is a possibility of rain starting tomorrow so I must focus on getting seed in the ground. Plus I have boxes of asparagus and sweet potatoes that we ordered online a week ago that should have been planted when they arrived. The plan was to plant them in the raised beds I was making with the railroad ties but I with the dust up with the old man I was unsure if we would be keeping them so never finished putting them together. I am so behind now and the funds to pay for help are greatly diminished, so it’s back to being behind the 8-ball again. I still have an obligation to finish tearing down the barn in Crane county but have been unable to find another person at the halfway house to help. That job requires two other individuals because we must tear down the heavy steel frame. I’m trying to reserve some funds for that job but time is eating away at them. Nothing out here comes easy and keeping my word to the barn owner will require sacrifice for sure.

Yesterday my youngest son, whom I raised with the second wife, posted a video on U-tube. It broke my heart for so many different reasons, many of which I won’t go into here. How I miss him and his older brother and how I regret the many mistakes I made during that segment of my life. One of the hopes I have for the vision I have with this farm is to provide for him in some way, to help improve his life. Adam is learning disabled, probably from being dropped on his head while a baby long before his mother and I got together. I so recognize his issues.

Meantime I must march on. There are so many things I haven’t followed through on regarding the business plan that it is depressing. I wonder at times if I should keep striving and think “What’s the use”. But I won’t give up, I’ll keep struggling forward no matter how much I fail and how many obstacles are put in my way. God will provide. He always has and the many small miracles of provision help me continue on. So I press on and refuse to give up.
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1:57- I just got back from mowing the old store. This is day four or five of mowing, I’ll have to look back in this journal to see but it’s not that important to me. It sure is hot and has been for a few days. The old store hasn’t been mowed yet this year and we’ve had some rain so the weeds are up there. Don’t know if the old man knows I’m mowing it so will need to let him know. It’s been a tough job on me, in general I get about two hours in before I am done for and hurt too much to continue. I scared up a four foot rattlesnake and ran to get the camera but it disappeared. Without a stick or something like that I wasn’t going to tackle it so continued mowing very carefully, hoping to at least get a picture. Didn’t happen.

So I’m home and will fix something to eat. Probably peanut butter and jelly as that’s always handy. Then there is an urgency to get seed planted and prepare for the hoped for rain. Lots to do there. Started preparing to plant corn and blackeyed peas. I might not be able to get compost mixed in like I want. I’m already beat and it’s only 1:50. One more day of mowing and I’ll be done but getting stuff done here is more important. I have live plants, asparagus and sweet potato we ordered online, that are over a week old and not put in the ground yet. They may be all dead by now. So mowing must wait.
Here's a cool weed that was growing at the old store. Kinda looks like a dandelion but I don't think it is. Real pretty to me. Would like to see the flower, or is it the flower?