Thursday, May 13, 2010

Self fulfilling prophesy

(click to enlarge) Yesterday's sunset

5/13/10 Thursday
We had rain last night, rain that came with some quarter sized hail. It was a quick intense storm as the “dry line” rolled over us. Wasn’t as much volume as I would have liked for it only added a few inches in the many buckets and barrels I have situated under roof eaves. We’ve had some rainstorms that fill them up in moments. There’s a chance of more rain over the next few days so I must focus on getting areas prepared and seeded. I need to prepare at least one of the raised beds with the hope that the asparagus and sweet potatoes are still alive. So much to do and so little time. Sure wish I could afford to pay Mike to help. Through his help we made huge strides forward with this farm but there is still an overwhelming amount of stuff to do. I’ve been fighting off a lot of depression, forcing myself to keep going despite feeling like there is no point. The dogs are a big source of comfort for me as they come to give and get loving with no strings attached. Helps me not focus on the obstacles I face. As has been the case for years my biggest problem is being able to focus and choose the tasks that are most important to do. I end each day realizing what I forgot to do. Need to get back to carrying the notebook so I can write down things as I remember or think of them.

I bought an auger drill bit that is over a foot long. Cost nearly twenty bucks but I need it to drill holes through the railroad ties in order to drive stakes through them and thus keep the ties in place once I fill the beds with dirt. I’ll have to change how I was making them because I may be unable to get more from the old man. I plan on writing to him and ask if he would be willing to sell some. I walk on eggshells with so many people because I seem to cause so many problems or at least am unable to connect with them. This is not unusual with TBI survivors but that doesn’t make me feel any better. What throws many off, perhaps, is the evidence that I am still smart. The other day someone said that if they didn’t know I’d had a brain injury they wouldn’t be able to tell. He said that his first impression was that I was like a professor, someone highly educated. I remember the conversation but don’t remember who I had it with. Typical for me. So when people see that you’re not a total idiot they don’t understand when you say or do things that aren’t very nice or correct. I spend a lot of time worrying about what I said or did, and don’t remember clearly, and think that the very fact I’m so self conscious about it possibly causes the problems I worry about. Kind of a self fulfilling prophesy kind of thing.

I’ve got work to do and it’s only me so odds are the pain level will be an issue today. Moving those railroad ties by myself will certainly hurt but must be done. That won’t hurt as much as bending down to put tiny seeds in the ground will. Regardless, times a wastin so I must get to work.

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