my blog bit me in the butt

6/6/12 Wednesday

          There is always so much to do and it is always more than I can do alone. We have another swarm of bees under the house so I put a fogger in the crawls space to get rid of them. Got bit by one yesterday as I worked to repair the drain on our bathroom sink. I spent hours with a hoe attacking weeds yesterday, and the day before, but you can barely tell I did much. The rabbits continue to attack our cantaloupe and the snares I put out haven’t caught a thing. I have a business plan to amend for Texas Department of Assistive and Rehabilitation that has been sitting untouched for weeks now. As with most things in my life I simply don’t remember to do it or when I remember there is something pressing that needs to be done. There is a long list of projects laying dormant around here, all victims of that inability I seem to have to follow through on things. It is frustrating to be sure.

          This blog bit me in the butt Monday. After three years I finally got notification from the court that my trial for the traffic ticket was scheduled. Three years!!! Geese, I had forgotten it existed. Finally I would have by day in court to fight this ticket that was clearly a misreading of the radar on the part of the trooper that issued it. I had requested what they call “discovery” for this ticket when I went to court and asked for a jury trial, but had received nothing from the state. It was supposed to be mailed directly to me but having not seen anything I presumed it got lost in the shuffle. That was good, as I planned on asking the ticket be dismissed based on not having any of this evidence I needed for my defense. It did not work out that way.

          When I arrived at the court the prosecutor asked to talk with me privately. She was nice about things, not antagonistic at all as I had expected. Come to find out the state had generally denied all my requests for discovery, calling them “overbroad”. I asked specifically for the make and model of the radar unit in the officer’s car, nothing general or overbroad about that, but it really wasn’t going to matter.

          Come to find out the prosecutor had looked up my blog and read my account of getting the ticket. In that account I admitted going 60 miles an hour, nothing close to the 71 MPH the officer said her radar read, but still over the 55 MPH speed limit. I don’t regret being honest but honesty comes with a price. The prosecutor said that she wished to avoid embarrassing me in court and offered to cut the fine down or let me take a defensive driving course and pay a fine. It really didn’t make a difference that I was not going as fast as the ticket said because I had admitted going over the speed limit so I was stuck. Now we have to come up with $123.00 dollars plus whatever the defensive driving course will cost. As always this makes things tough. We barely make enough to pay our bills and eat and that dumb job I took securing houses for banks owes me ten checks that are being held for every stupid reason they can find and if I don’t run out and mow a lawn as quick as they want the refuse to pay on other jobs already done.

          Working on the 1929 model AA Ford is a constant series of headaches as I struggle to figure things out. The electronic ignition is the latest contest. I called the manufacturer and he gave me some good pointers I will try today. Have to get going to work on it now so bye till later.

Funny, and not so funny

6/1/12 Friday

          It’s hard to believe we are in June already. Almost halfway through another year and I am always so far behind on things. The gout remains active. Got my foot in my boot yesterday but getting the boot off was quite a chore after walking in it much of the day. I got the foot in the boot again this morning and already know there will be a price to pay but there are chores to be done and they will get done to the best of my ability. I also need to go work on that 1929 Ford truck today, as I said I would and try hard to be a man of my word.

          Had an experience yesterday, working on Cherie’s truck turn signal. This turn signal in the rear has been a consistent problem, as was the one on the other side was too. I guess this is a common issue with Chevy pickups around the years it is as the auto parts places stock replacement boards on the shelf.

          We know when the turn signal stops working because the light blinks much more rapidly than normal. Once again I removed the entire rear taillight assembly and took the board holding 4 bulbs off. I left the turn signal on in order to see when it started working again. Pulled the bulb in question out and it was still good, so I put it back in, jiggling it around in case the connection was bad. No luck. Played with the board more, unplugged the connection from the truck and put it back on, and then it started working. “Hallelujah” I thought as I put the assembly back together and reinstalled the taillight, all the while it was still blinking away like it should. I gathered my tools, closed the rear tailgate, and headed back to the garage when it stopped working again.

          “Nuts!” I exclaimed (or something similar to that) and headed back to the taillight. Once again I took it apart, once again I played with it, and this time I put some little pieces of aluminum foil in the contacts where the plug attaches. No luck on anything no matter how much or how I manipulated it so I gave up, deciding I will need to buy a new board for it. So I start to put it back together and suddenly the bulb starts blinking. Don’t know what caused that but am glad so keep on putting the taillight assembly back on the truck as it blinks away. As soon as I screw one of the retaining screws in tight the light stops working. By this time the sun has gone down and I am in no mood to start this process over again so finish putting it on. Then I once again gather my tools and when I close the tailgate the light once again starts working.

          I have no confidence it will keep on working and plan to buy another replacement board for it. When I told Cherie this story she laughed so hard it almost brought tears to her eyes as she apologized for laughing. I wasn’t laughing at all but am glad to make her laugh so that made things better.

          I am not looking forward to seeing how much more damage the rabbits have done to my cantaloupe this morning. It is frustrating to not be able to spend the time working on that issue I need. I plan on putting the fertilizer feed device in operation on the tomato plants, where I will not only add fertilizer through the drip irrigation but some of that bacteria I got that helps fight the salt in the water. Then I must rush to Midland and work on that model A Ford.

          Yesterday I had another reminder of the problems that come with having so much of my brain no longer operating. A week or so ago I went to Odessa to mow one of the lawns for that company we are not happy with. I had to remove the spark plug from the mower and clean it so had my entire set of tools out. Unfortunately I forgot to put the tool set back in the truck when I packed things up after the job. I didn’t realize it till I started looking for the tools to work on something. I called Cherie and she helped me remember where I had used them last. We made the 95 mile drive to see if the tools were still where I left them but they were long gone, picked up by whoever came by and saw the set sitting on the porch of the house. Sometimes being me is frustrating. I keep telling myself this is part of the price of being alive but it doesn’t always help me feel better about getting so lost so easily and losing so much because of it. It is similar to what some experience when they get up there in age, or similar to a child who is so easily distracted in their early years but for me, who once ran multiple companies, just plain frustrating.

          Well I have work to do and because of the foot it takes me much longer to even walk to where I am going. I shuffle along at about 12 inches a step, carefully placing the left foot down each time to reduce the pain. That company has more lawns it wants me to mow but that will have to wait. Remember that God is and God does care about you. Bye now.

God set me down

5/30/12 Tuesday I think that the Lord has set me down. Last night my big toe started getting sore and it got steadily worse till this morning it felt like I had slammed it with a hammer. The gout is back. This means I can hardly walk so working on the farm is not an option despite the fact I had so much planned to do.

What this means is that I must stay in and work on so many other things that have been put off. There is the book I am writing, and the other books too. There are bible studies to finish and put on paper, there are letters to write to prisoners and others. And there is lots of research that needs to get done as well.

Part of me would rather be out in the 100 + degree heat working on the farm. I always would do that thinking “When I come in I will do the writing and stuff” but the reality is that I am always wiped and in pain by then so nothing gets done. Let me fill in a little about what has been happening out here on Westbrook Farms, and outlining areas.

I traveled a couple of hundred miles to mow two lawns for that job working with properties owned by banks. Tired of always having every job reduced in pay I finally called them and changed my official contracted area to just Martin County. That makes everything else classified as being out of my area and so eligible for a trip charge. Before that they wanted me to travel 90 miles to Odessa to mow one lawn and only pay $35.00 for the job. Unfortunately they are holding several hundred dollars in back pay in ransom. By contract they can refuse to pay for old jobs if I haven’t completed the new ones. It is old but I will maintain my integrity and personal honor and finish what I said I would do, despite them not keeping their word.

 All the time I have spent driving to and from these jobs is time that would be better spent working on the farm and our life. While driving home from mowing the lawn in Lamesa I called Cherie. She told me that there was a rattlesnake on the veranda. The dogs were barking like crazy at it and I was glad to hear that Rascal had enough sense to be afraid of it so stayed away. Duke did not display such sense so Cherie got all the dogs in the house, where they were safe. When I got home I quickly located the snake hiding behind the love seat we have outside. It wasn’t big, about 3 foot long and I suspect is the same snake we saw in the garage a few weeks back. Now, I like these snakes for they kill off the rats and mice, and I am not too keen on mice and rats. We have lots of them here and they chew up electrical cords along with doing all sorts of damage. The thought entered my mind to just leave the snake alone, but other factors prevailed. First was my wife’s peace of mind, and second is the safety of our dogs and us too.

 The snake was hard to get at, tucked away behind the love seat out of reach. I scooted the love seat forward enough to be able to reach back behind it and took a board to pin it down. Cherie was praying up a storm in her concern as I messed with this poisonous serpent but I wasn’t worried. I played with lots of snakes as a kid growing up in Texas so it wasn’t a big deal. Pinning its head down I reached down and grabbed it behind the head and picked the not so happy critter up. Oh, it was rattling up a storm for sure and I sure wish Cherie had the camera so we could have captured a picture of its wide open mouth and fangs. But this was unnerving for Cherie as it was so I didn’t want to impose. I had a big plastic tub with a tight fitting lid ready so carefully placed the snake in it and quickly put the lid on.

 Now I know that many here in West Texas say “The only good rattlesnake is a dead rattlesnake” but I don’t buy that. All snakes perform a valuable function keeping rodents down and the only time you have to worry about a rattler is when you mess with it. They are not anxious to bite anyone and would much rather run and hide. We have to be careful out here, always observant of our surroundings, because I have often almost stepped on a few rattlers. I like them because they tend to warn you they are around and rarely strike without such warning. Besides that, I know that a rattlesnake bite is seldom deadly and am also confident that my God will not let us be harmed. So I took this snake down the road to an area that is wild and few people ever go and turned it loose.

There is a lot of frustration here, with both me and Cherie, because we see so much potential for the future of this farm and have great hopes, but struggle just to pay bills. But the most frustrating part for me is to see so many lives that need to be touched by the love of God, so many people who need help in many ways, yet not have the means or time to lead them in a right direction. Visiting at the jail last week I had a man who, as tears streamed down his face, expressed his frustration at not being able to break free of the drugs and lifestyle that he knew was harming not only himself, but his family too.

 I deeply understand that other people are far more important than me becoming a successful farmer or businessman. It wouldn’t matter if I once again became worth over a million dollars. That really doesn’t mean a thing compared to being able to save just one life. I have been blessed with losing everything I had, from wealth, life, to my mind, and then had the privilege of wandering homeless carrying everything I owned in a plastic garbage bag. “Why would you say that is a blessing?” one of you readers might say. Because it helps me understand what is truly important, especially in the long run, knowing that we will all stand before God and have to answer for every word that comes out of our mouths.

 I firmly believe that there are no accidents in my life. Oh, I have had lots of accidents and wrecks, made more mistakes than I can count, and acted the fool so many times I can’t remember. But I am confident that all those bad things now allow me to relate to and help others heading down similar roads. It gives me an insight and wisdom that can be used to help others choose wisely. I see my past life as a form of training for the future God has in store for us, but that future seems so hard to grasp and see. Plus my number one responsibility is to care for my wife, to help provide for her security, and that job I am not doing well. Hence the frustrations.

 My bible reading lately has been in 1 and 2nd Samuel. As I read about how the nation of Israel decided they needed a king and the whole story of how Saul was picked to be king, I saw so many parallels to what we see in the church today. The contrast between King Saul and David, who would become king after Saul, is a striking illustration of the good and bad we all face in ourselves, and the pitfalls that can destroy our relationship with God, and others.

 So who was this Saul that God chose to be king of Israel? He was impressive to look at, a head taller than everyone but when the prophet Samuel told him that he was the hope of Israel Saul said “But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why do you say such a thing to me?” Point is that Saul understood he was no one special at this time. We will see how that changes. Samuel then anoints Saul with oil and tells him that he would be king of Israel.

 A very important part of this story is what follows. This can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 10 starting at verse 5. Samuel told Saul that he would be filled with God’s holy spirit, would prophesy, and that he would be a changed man. In verse 9 it says “As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul's heart”. Understand that this is as close to the equivalent to being a born again spirit filled believer as can be in the old testament. Later, when Samuel called the whole nation together and started picking out tribes and clans by lots Saul, despite having been told he would be king and experiencing these spiritual events, was hiding in the baggage. He was afraid. But we will see that change and it won’t be for the better.

So to go over the points made, Saul was appointed king, God changed his heart so that he became “A different person”, and God’s spirit filled Saul so there was a definite relationship. We can see through the coming chapters that at this point in Saul’s life he heard from God clearly.

 What we will be learning next is that God has a set of standards that He holds us to, and that there is a point of no return. Only God is the judge of where and when that point is reached but His judgment is final. The bible says God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. He does not change. However in these latter times many have put God into the box of their choosing, creating in their mind the kind of God they want. Often this God is one who is more tolerant of their sins and allows them to continue doing what they know is not pleasing to God with no repercussions. That is a dangerous line to walk.

 Saul, after being anointed as king went home and back to work in his families fields. One day he came home from working and found everyone crying because the Ammonites were attacking one of the Israelite cities. The bible states that the spirit of the Lord came on him mightily and Saul burned with anger. Then he sent word to the nation for all to come and go to war. So far so good. Saul went out and whipped the Ammonites good, proving he was a fit leader and king. With that Saul was reaffirmed as king and the whole nation celebrated for days.

 But it didn’t take long for things to start to go sour. Saul pulled together a bunch of troops and went to pick a fight with the Philistines, who had long ruled over the area. Now he was stirring up trouble against the big boys. He sent word throughout the land for everyone to come and fight. No one had a sword or spear except Saul and his son Jonathan because the Philistines had made sure there was no blacksmith in the land. Now we have thousands of well-armed and mad Philistines gathered with chariots and foot soldiers that were so numerous they weren’t counted.

The Israelites answered Saul’s call but soon started slipping away into hiding. There was a spirit of fear that surrounded the camp as even the soldiers with Saul trembled in sandals. Samuel, the prophet of God, the source of assurance for the nation that God was with them, was supposed to come in 7 days, but didn’t. With that even more people slipped away, running scared.

 What does Saul do? Instead of waiting patiently on Samuel, instead of doing what he was told, he took matters into his own hands. The sacrifices that were being saved for Samuel to offer to God were brought to Saul on his orders and he offered them up himself. As soon as he was done Samuel showed up. “What have you done?” Samuel asked. Saul had all the excuses and made sure to put a religious spin on it saying “I had not sought the Lords favor so felt compelled to do so”. Samuel told Saul "You acted foolishly, You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. 14 But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

What is interesting to me is that Samuel is clear that God has already picked out a replacement for Saul. However Saul will remain as king for a total of 42 years. Here we find another principle in the bible, that God has his own timetable and another one is also good to note. God told Saul that He had already picked out his replacement. It wasn’t long after that that God told Saul, through the prophet Samuel, that the kingdom would be torn from him. This is found in 1 Samuel 15:28 “Samuel said to him, "The LORD has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today and has given it to one of your neighbors--to one better than you. 29 He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."

Here is an insight we need to pay attention to. In God’s mind, once a decision has been made it is viewed as fact despite the actual physical event not having occurred yet. Samuel said “Today” the kingdom was torn from him, and given to another, but this actually won’t happen till over 20 years later.

What I want to focus on in this scriptural lesson is what it was that caused Saul to fall. We have all seen great people of God fall into disgrace and some into grave sin. There is a common root all these falls have, and that root is pride. Pride is the root of all sin, starting with Lucifer, when he said “I can be like God”. Remember Saul’s start? How he said he was the least of the least? Remember how Saul hid in the baggage when Samuel was picking out the King? There is a danger when anyone is put on a pedestal. The churches of today do that with all their leaders, placing them in front and having so many depend on these leaders for so much. It is so very hard not to let this feed your ego, so very hard not to let it go to your head when all around you tell how great you are, what a fantastic sermon that was, and how you really helped them, and on and on for years.

 In chapter 15 of 1 Samuel we read of this final straw that placed Saul into disfavor with God. Samuel came with pretty clear and specific instructions. This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt. 3 Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.'

 I don’t have time to discuss why God would demand such a drastic action and understand how harsh it is but what Saul did was to compromise. When he attacked he spared the life of the king and then allowed his men to keep the best of the flocks and livestock. What stands out to me later is how religious sounding Saul is when Samuel confronts him. 1 Samuel 15:13 When Samuel reached him, Saul said, "The LORD bless you! I have carried out the LORD's instructions."

 It is important to make note of the fact that just before this it was revealed that Saul had gone and set up a monument to himself after defeating the king in battle. Now we see the ego, the self-importance growing in Saul. And next we find how Saul justifies and makes excuses for doing what he knew was wrong.

 But Samuel said, "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?" 15 Saul answered, "The soldiers brought them from the Amalekites; they spared the best of the sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the LORD your God, but we totally destroyed the rest."

 It doesn’t end there. Despite Samuel plainly pointing out that Saul had disobeyed God’s clear instruction Saul now begins to verbally dance, to try and talk his way out of trouble. I think we all have been guilty of that kind of dance before as we try to avoid an unpleasant truth regarding our actions. Read more of that conversation between Saul and Samuel.

Why did you not obey the LORD? Why did you pounce on the plunder and do evil in the eyes of the LORD?" 20 "But I did obey the LORD," Saul said. "I went on the mission the LORD assigned me. I completely destroyed the Amalekites and brought back Agag their king. 21 The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God, in order to sacrifice them to the LORD your God at Gilgal." 22 But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 23 For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king."

 And here we find some truths that we should take to heart. Rebellion is as the sin of divination, or as some translations say “witchcraft” and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. I would say that the comparison of arrogance to idolatry is because when one is arrogant he, or she, basically think so much of themselves that their pride in who they are is almost like setting themselves up to be worshipped.

 I would like to point out also the blindness Saul has to his own actions, the self-deception he practices when he says “But I did obey the Lord”. Pride blinds and deceives us, causing our eyes to see a picture of our own making and a product of our imagination. How many times I have seen this and some are so infatuated with themselves that they are not willing or able to have any fault pointed out. If anyone dares to try and show them a fault it is perceived as a personal attack instead of a “you can do better” word of admonishment with the motive of raising them up.

One last point I see in this. In verse 24 of 1 Samuel 15 we read "Then Saul said to Samuel, "I have sinned. I violated the LORD's command and your instructions. I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them". I have to wonder if Saul was really afraid of the people or perhaps just wanted to make them happy and give them what they wanted. Again this is a common issue in our modern world and unfortunately in the ministry too. So many preachers, desirous to be popular, or not wanting to lose members of their congregations, tell the people what they want to hear instead of telling the truth.  

 That is all I have time for now. There is lots to do on the farm and other places so I must go now. The gout has gotten better to the point I can put my foot in a boot and walk, though it is with pain. So I must go but would encourage you to read the rest of this story in 1 Samuel. In it you will see Saul maintaining his religious veneer as he becomes internally torn. He will say “The Lord bless you” one minute and the next kill the priests of God in a city. There are many spiritual parallels we can draw from this and apply to our lives here and now. I have seen religious people talk of the love of God and then tear down others, killing them with their words. Bye now.

5/27/12 Sunday It’s kind of a rough morning. The little sore spot I had in the back of my throat for a week has now spread and grown. Even drinking water is difficult. Worked real hard yesterday. First on the farm and then at one of the widows we care for homes. The rain we had a few days ago naturally caused the weeds and grass to grow. Many of the weeds were three foot tall so quite a challenge for my lawn mower. She wasn’t home so will be pleasantly surprised to find some of the jungle around the house is now cut down. Couldn’t do it all as I ran out of gas and my body ran out of ability as the pain level and paralysis both made themselves known. I left my hoe there so must go back and get it. When I came home I rested a bit and then went back to work on the farm. Did not get much done as I had one of those now rare slow downs. Cherie convinced me to come in and call it a day. This morning I don’t have much energy at all. It was a restless night for both Cherie and I so we did not get much sleep. I am gargling with hot salt water a lot now to fight this sore throat thing. Doesn’t seem to be making a big difference but will continue anyway.

5/25/12 Friday Cherie’s truck is breaking down again. 2 weeks ago the radiator blew and on the way to work she called because something is squealing. I suspect it may be a wheel bearing as it has been shaking lately. At first I figured that was because a wheel is out of balance or perhaps a shock absorber going bad. Now I am not so sure. Will have to run to her work with all my tools and see if I can figure it out. All of our vehicles have over 200,000 miles on them and are in bad shape. At least Cherie made it to her work safely. I had a good time at the local jail yesterday. Got to talk to the two trustees, whom I have developed a relationship with. Then was able to speak with two others back in the jail area and feel it was a significant meeting for one of them. He poured his heart out about his inability to get free from the drugs and lifestyle that goes with it, and about his concern for his family. He understands that he has a big influence on them and unfortunately that influence has not been for the good. He will be out of jail shortly so I offered to spend time teaching a bible study at his house when he is released. That idea was received positively but we will see what happens when he gets out. Meantime we struggle to make ends meet. The work on the farm goes slow as my physical ability has limits and the one hundred plus degree heat hasn’t made it any easier. There are lots of melon plants growing and some of the cantaloupe already has fruit on it. The corn is doing surprisingly well despite my not putting any fertilizer on it. This last rain gave it a big boost. So we have hope but it is all a long way down the road. The job securing homes and performing maintenance on them is not working out well. Their accounting department is tasked with looking for any reason not to pay or to pay less than normal and every invoice I send has been cut, sometimes dramatically. There are several lawn mowing jobs to do in connection with that but our mower seems to be wearing out. It is burning lots of oil suddenly, not a good sign. I have another mower but it does not have a grass catcher on it. The grass catcher is important as I use it to recover clippings that I use for compost, and now I use it to harvest the rye grain.

Here you can see me slowly pouring out the clippings from the grain in the wind. This allows the wind to blow the chaff and straw away and most of the seeds fall into the wheelbarrow. When I mow about half the seeds are knocked out of the heads and fall to the ground and the rest end up in the grass catcher. I will disc the land over and thus replant the grain for another crop, should we get rain. There is so much to do and so little of me to do it. Gotta go work on Cherie’s truck now.

Paranoid? or understanding the signs of the times

5/22/12 Tuesday Been out working on the farm, continuing to bury the hundreds of yards of drip irrigation line by hand. Yesterday I planted most of the Israeli cantaloupe seeds that are left over from 2 years ago. Hope that at least one of them comes up and makes fruit so I can have seeds for next year. As I shovel dirt over the lines and carefully expose the drippers that are set every six feet or so I pray and think. Lots of thinking as I ponder the world situations, the unsettled times that seem to lay ahead for not only this country but the world as well. I tried to talk about that to one of my Kairos brothers and he literally put his hands over his ears and kept saying “I don’t want to hear you, I don’t want to hear you”. Come to find out his father had been very much taken by so many of the conspiracy theories of his day, things like the trilateral commission and Illuminati, so my words were equated with that kind of paranoid thinking. The reality is that there are many organized groups that have existed for centuries and some that are rather recent in their formation. All of them exist around various ideals and philosophies and most have a desire to make their particular train of thought dominant in the world. Some are religious, such as Christianity and Islam, and some are political, ranging from democracy to socialism, but all of them are convinced that their way of thinking is the right one. And in these groups one finds varying levels of commitment to an ideal, from those willing to die or kill for that ideal to those who sit around and just talk and try to impress others with their “intellectual” prowess. There are within these spheres of thought a variety of organized groups that have definite plans to overcome all the others with their particular ideal. I find it wise to know and understand these groups, to discern their activities and comprehend how they will affect my life and the world around me. It is not paranoid thinking to do this, it is opening my eyes and seeing what is happening. There is no question that a worldwide economic collapse is eminent and in fact the United States government is preparing for that event, though they are doing so rather quietly and trying to fly under the radar so to speak. I know of many others who are preparing for this time of turmoil as well. It is not an “if” regarding such an event, but “When”. Many of these groups I spoke of are also aware of this impending time of turmoil and some are in fact working to hasten it’s arrival, because they plan to use it as the time to force their way of thinking on the rest of the world. My personal ideal is that I believe in Jesus Christ, that He is the Son of God, came to earth and died on purpose, so that all who believe would not perish but have eternal life. Unfortunately, throughout history, there have been many who used the Christian religion to conquer and gain power over others, and in their misguided zeal, killed those who refused to believe their way. They had, and have (for there are still many around who act this way) it all wrong. Jesus preached we should love our neighbor as we love ourselves, that we should be servants and submit to authority, and ultimately be willing to die for the other persons good. It is about peace, love, and looking out for our fellow humans. Plus there is the moral component. To not lie, steal, kill, or commit adultery, are just a few of the ten commandments. All of that requires self-discipline and personal sacrifice. Unfortunately some of the other groups out there are not so considerate of others and often are quite willing to kill and conquer in order to force their ideal on the rest of us. It is coming folks, and coming soon. I suspect we will see all hell break loose right around the November presidential election.

5/14/12 Monday 2:13 – It just started raining. I am thankful for the rain but it meant I had to quit planting the tomato plants we bought and come inside. There is so much to do and so little of me to do it. It is frustrating (there is that word again) to see how much hasn’t been done and then needs to be done. One of these days God will grant us the ability to have some help on this farm. Till then I will press forward the best I can. It was interesting to see the comment anonymous left on this blog yesterday. It is the same old stuff someone has been saying since we were removed from that little church in Stanton, therefore it is obvious this comes from someone related to that church. I wonder what I wrote yesterday that spurred them to once again leave a comment. Was it the “Do you really believe?” statement? They also commented “You say the end times are coming” as their opening statement. It is sad to watch how people dance around the truth they don’t like. 5/16/12 Wednesday Time flies when you work hard. I stay out on the farm till it gets too dark to see. Finally got the tomatoes and peppers planted. Today I am trying to plow. I think it is called “list” plowing but really don’t know. This is a time I wish I knew some farmers close by who could give me some basic pointers. I am struggling with these plow blades. Dirt builds up and stalls the tractor so I just brought it in and lowered the blades so there is more room between the blades and that horizontal boom that holds them. Is that right? Don’t have a clue. I also do not know what angle these blades should be at. Right now I have the point slightly lower than the rest but all I am doing is guessing at it. The boom is not level because those arms that come from the tractor to hold them are not level. There seems to be a way to screw them up and down but when I tried the threads seem frozen, probably rusted in place. It is my hope to plant blackeyed peas where I am plowing but I am not sure if that will happen. Still have lots of watermelon to plant and drip irrigation to install. The wheat I planted is ready to harvest. Naturally this reminds me of the words of Jesus when He said “The fields are golden and ready to harvest. Pray to the Lord that He provide workers” (Bob paraphrase) So I will be harvesting by hand because that’s the only option I have here.

5/8/12 Tuesday Praise the Lord, we got rain. It came late last night and looks to be maybe a half inch at a guess. Don’t know because the rain gauge we bought was plastic and didn’t last a month under this West Texas sun. It was enough to leave a small puddle at the end of the drive. I hope to get on the tractor today and take advantage of the ground being wet. Will disc up just about everything. Need to buy some more diesel for the tractor to do it. Fortunately Cherie gets paid today. I am not working for the friend in Odessa because this farm has been untouched at this most vital of times for farming, spring. It is a tough decision to make as we desperately need the money to pay bills but if I don’t plant there is no hope for a future harvest, so I will trust in God to help us. I have managed to get one of the hundred yard rows we installed drip irrigation in planted with watermelon seeds. That job we started the company for ended up burning most of our week up last week, with me running around trying to fix loose ends with the dim hope we would be paid for even a small portion of the jobs we did. What a disappointment that turned into. We invested a thousand dollars of money we didn’t have to spare along with hundreds of miles and weeks’ worth of hours for what looked like a great business opportunity we could grow a company with. My frustrations continue. I am frustrated with Christians who choose to look down on me, I am frustrated with being surrounded by opportunities I am unable to reach out and grab, I am frustrated by so many things as I watch the world falling headlong into destruction. And few seem to even be aware of how close the end of life as they know it is. America is fed a diet of empty entertainment that keeps them distracted from what is happening right in front of them. With that my sense of urgency to prepare, to build a farm that is self-sustaining and able to feed others, increases, along with the message God put in my heart for the churches and those who call themselves followers of Christ. John the Baptist was such a prophet, crying “Make straight the way of the Lord” and preaching a gospel of repentance. In no way to I compare myself to him, but the message is the same. Do you really believe in God??? REALLY??? Do you really believe that one day you will stand before God and will be judged??? So many have been told a fairy tale that there is no accountability, that if they “Got saved” then everything is fixed and they can do anything they want without fear. That is not what the bible says. That is the “tickle your ears” message that is popular, because it doesn’t challenge or threaten anyone’s faith. The cold hard fact is that we will be judged on what we do, or do not, do. You see what you really believe is proved by the life you lead. You can say what you want but what you do shows the truth of what you believe. I gotta go farm now. As I write the Spirit of God stirs in my heart. Remember folks, I was dead and now am alive. Literally dead, growing cold and on the way to the morgue. In Luke 16 Jesus told the story of a rich man and Lazarus, where he said “Even if someone rose from the dead they will not believe”. What I know for sure, from great personal experience, is that God is and God is a rewarder of those who do good. You may question that looking at our life and how rough it has been but my reward will come when I stand before the judgment seat of Christ. Bye now.

5/6/12 Sunday I finally got to work a full day on the farm Friday. Hallelujah. Yesterday I went to the Smith prison unit for what we call an “Instructional” Kairos day. We traditionally hold these a week or so after a 4 day Kairos event and it is the start of preparing the guys for a life with Christ. We teach them to confide with each other, a hard thing for someone in prison to do, for trust is often seen as a weakness. Unlike some ministries, that come and then vanish away with no support for those whom they touched, we understand the importance of a long term relationship and work to maintain that. We realize that each life we touch now becomes a responsibility and that God will hold us accountable for that. The time at prison took much longer than I thought it would. Sure, I’ve been doing this for going on three years now but this is an example of the memory loss problems I have. I know I have done several of these instructional events but could not tell you much about it. I had planned on doing some work for that company we got caught up with, securing homes for financial institutions, but by the time I got out of the prison at 4:00 or so, I was worn out. Came home and pretty much wiped out. Today I hope to get some watermelon planted. Finally got 2 thirds of the drip irrigation in for it. Then I must finish out some work for that company we are stuck with and plan on running to Big Spring. There I will inspect a home for Chinese drywall and take pictures of the grass that isn’t there. I have to do this because they don’t trust me when I tell them that with no rain nothing has grown. It is going on 3 months we have worked for this company and we finally got paid $130 Friday. They have a whole department who’s duty apparently is to look for any excuse not to pay their vendors. I am tired of it but we would like to at least get our initial investment of over a thousand dollars back before we call it quits. That’s it. Will be another hot day so need to get to work before it hits close to a hundred degrees. Bye now.

dumbest smart person

4/30/12 Monday So much to do, so much to write about, but so little time. We spent 4 days at the Lynaugh prison Kairos event and it was both wonderful and troubling. I must think carefully regarding what I write about. I decided to not return to work in Odessa, and choose instead to work on the farm that has languished while I helped someone else make a lot of money. It will be hard work as the tiller no longer works well so I must do by hand what was once done with machine. As I write I am contemplating discing up the areas that are overrun with weeds, using my tractor. If I do this I destroy all the drip irrigation tape that was so carefully laid in the ground before. It may actually be easier and quicker to do this and reinstall new drip tape. I have a new roll of tape purchased last year, but we are out of the fittings to put them together and have tight funds so buying new fittings is a challenge. How frustrating this is, to be unable to grasp what we need to succeed, to have it just out of arms reach. During the Kairos event there were unfortunate times where my memory loss problems were openly displayed. I try to hide these events of memory loss but also let others know it exists with the hope of understanding. Understanding seems to not be easily grasped by some. Here on the farm I was elated to find garlic springing up in January but then forgot it existed and never watered it. Happened to remember this while at Kairos so went out to look this morning. It is all dead and gone now. It is frustrating to be highly intelligent yet unable to remember and follow through on so many things. I am the smartest dumb person or dumbest smart person you will ever meet. God has made me where I need others to help, but everyone is busy. It will be hot and humid, humid being a rare thing here, so I want to work outside before it gets too nasty. There is plenty to do inside as we had three dogs locked in for four days while we were at the Kairos event, so I will do that later when it gets hot. .

Disheartened by being so far behind

4/25/12 Wednesday 12:16 – Just came in from working on the drip irrigation. It is disheartening to see how far behind I am. With that are many conflicting thoughts. I am behind because I chose to help a friend, when he asked. Helping him also allowed me to earn money needed to pay bills so with the sacrifice there came a benefit. But the cost in regards to getting this farm going are high. The predicted high is 102 degrees and it seems that we are already approaching that temperature now. The sticker grass is in full swing and is already making lots of those thorny stickers we despise so much. Another thing I haven’t been able to keep up with. There is a motorized sprayer I bought two or three years ago, that has never been taken out of the box, that I remembered existed so unpacked it this morning. I bought some stuff that will specifically kill sticker grass a few years back that I hope to use with the sprayer to kill as much of this sticker grass as I can. Tomorrow I head out for the Lynaugh prison, where we will conduct another 4 day Kairos event. When we get back Jim expects me to come back to work for him. I am wondering if that would be wise now. Do I continue to sacrifice our dream for a future to help someone put money in his pocket, who really doesn’t need it, and has exhibited a definite lack of holding much esteem for who I am. I was able to visit with the guys at the jail yesterday. Had debated whether or not to go but while praying about it sensed it was important so dropped by when I picked up the mail. One of the guys is heading back to prison and another is getting out. A third had been going through all kinds of internal struggles regarding his faith in God and the situations he is dealing with. I taught about the last days, that I believe are upon us, and about the reality we will all stand before God as our judge, and answer for what we have and have not done. This is a reality that so many who wear that “I’m a Christian” badge seem to be blithely blind about. Part of that stems from this concept that all our sins are forgotten about so they feel that there will be no accountability required for what they have done. This is one of the many false doctrines that has permeated much of the Christian world and has been eagerly accepted by those who want an easy faith with little responsibility and no sacrifice. I rely on the words of Jesus, who is God and will be the judge. He said “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.” Can it be any clearer? Just a few sentences later Jesus said “Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. 22 Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' 23 And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!” What is the will of our Father? To love Him with all your heart, strength, and soul, and to love your neighbor like yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you have it made, instead examine yourself carefully and closely. Even Paul, who wrote so much of our new testament, didn’t take his salvation for granted. He said “Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. 25 All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. 26 So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. 27 I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.” (1 Corinthians 9:24) There are so many I fear for, so many who seem blind to the road they are on, and blind to their hypocrisy. I am not the judge but I am the servant of God and desire to help all rise up to a higher standard. This is part of why God put me here on earth, why He raised me from the dead, to proclaim the truth where I can, to bring life out of death. Time to get back to work in the heat

To bring life out of death

4/23/12 Monday I don’t have much time to write but must. Kairos was, as always, a wonder. How torn I am by my desire to help others change their lives, to bring life where there is death, versus the need to work and pay bills. Many of the guys at the prison kept asking when I would come back to the class I had been helping teach on Mondays, and many others expressed how they had been helped by my few words and how they missed me coming to the prison. Each one of them brought more pain and anguish to my heart as a feeling of responsibility and guilt for not meeting that responsibility rose up inside. The same holds true at the small little jail Stanton has, where I was able to visit with the guys last week. What I understand, what I know clearly in my heart, is that how much money I make isn’t important to God at all. What is important to God is the people of the world, whom He loved so much He sent His son to die for, so that they can have eternal life. When I stand before God, and before Jesus, who will be our judge, I will be called into account for how I treated those whom He loves so dearly. Did I judge them? Did I shun away from those I wasn’t comfortable with? Did I let others continue in a path that will bring destruction without at least trying to warn them? Or did I reach out, give of what I had, whether money or time, and show them the Love of God! It’s pretty clear to me, and has been since I woke from that coma. That is part of what it says on that plaque I carved while recovering. “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has lasting value is the lives we touch”. If I could I would give my life for others, but I find myself constrained to doing other things in order to pay bills and provide for my wife. I have a home that needs much work. The cesspool my grandfather built 50 years ago is falling apart, with the railroad ties he used to make the walls rotting away and the steel roof panels to cover the top rusting into pieces. Soon we won’t be able to flush the toilet and already we see evidence of the drains not working well. The farm lies unworked and unplanted as I work for another man to help him make money. We have great dreams and a vision for this farm, that are seemingly unattainable, at least with the resources we have. My vision entails a place that employs others, who are disadvantaged, and provides food and shelter for those in need. It is to create a haven should the world fall apart, a place that is self-sufficient, but even if hard times do not come a business enterprise that is profitable and beneficial to all around.

Regardless, I am unable to accomplish this or much else by myself. God, in His wisdom, has made me dependent on others to function. How frustrating this is. I hold in my hands the key to eternal life, as every Christian does, and so want to spend my days sharing that. But meantime there are responsibilities to meet and work to do. So I must get going this morning. I need to buy a half inch drill bit to fix our brush hog mower that goes behind the tractor. While in town I will fill the four empty five gallon water bottles so we have clean water to drink and cook with at home. I hope to also buy some valves so I can continue installing the drip irrigation we hope to use to grow watermelons. On Thursday I leave for another Kairos event, this time in Fort Stockton. That will keep us busy till Sunday again. After that I must return to the job in Odessa. So I have three days to work on the farm. It’s not enough but I’ll do the best I can. I got the brush hog working and it held up to mowing a good part of the weeds we have. Took almost an hour to get the rusty nut off the bolt that holds the rear wheel on the mower. Had to take it off so I could adjust the height up higher. Finally got to giving the dogs a tick bath. Ticks are bad this year for sure. Perhaps I will be able to bug bomb the front part of the house tomorrow. I am tired and pretty sore tonight. Tomorrow will be the last day I have before it’s time to head out for the Kairos at a prison in Fort Stockton. There is so much to do that I doubt I will get to it all. I hope to visit the guys in the Stanton jail and to finish mowing weeds at Mary’s house. Then there is drip irrigation to work on and a house in Big Spring we need to secure for the job we have for banks and realtors. Nodding off to sleep as I write so probably should get some shut eye.

Blinded by fun

4/20/12 Friday It’s the first full day of another Kairos. Yesterday we had a busy morning getting an oil pipeline marked and then meeting with Texas Department of Assistive and Rehabilitation Services about a business plan. Then it was a rush to get to Lamesa for the initial kick off of the Kairos event. There are so many lives we see, that have been terribly disrupted by drugs, abuse, and a wide range of circumstances. One of the reasons I participate is I had taken so many wrong turns with my life that I can certainly relate with many of these men. The possibility that through my words or influence lives can be pointed in a direction that will permanently change them for a greater good. The reality is that I cannot change a life by myself but the simple act of pointing them to God opens the door for God to work miracles. There was no internet access at the house I stayed at for this Kairos. The owner of the house goes by the name "stretch", if I remember that right. He had a couch for me to sleep on but I was longer than the couch and it was too soft and cushy so I opted to sleep on the floor. He had a nice thick carpet so it wasn't bad. When he expressed concern for my comfort I explained that I had spent years sleeping on prison beds of many kinds and had wandered homeless with only a blanket to protect me on whatever stretch of ground I found to sleep on so the floor was great. Plus having broken my back and neck so many times a hard firm surface is much less painful than his soft couch would have been. We didn't get many chances to talk but when we did it was good conversation for sure. This is a man who has been very much involved in things of God, perhaps even a pastor but I am not sure. Every chance I get I talk to others about the days to come, about how things in this world seem to be so rapidly changing and heading for an ultimate and scary series of events. Many of those I talk with see the signs of the times, though to varying degrees. Few of them are informed or aware of what our government, and our president, has been doing. Most walk in the darkness provided, distracted by all the nonsense our media and world feeds us, with little thought given to the future in store. So many are occupied with making their money, with building their little kingdoms, and with filling their days with mindless entertainment that when those hard times come they will be totally surprised.

Time is burning

This area should be full of tomato and pepper plants, but lays unready to even plant

4/18/12 Wednesday
This is going to be a busy day for sure. Tomorrow I head to Lamesa for 4 days of prison ministry and there is much that needs to be taken care of before I go. So much has been neglected because I have been busy working for a friend. He came to me in February and said “I need some help” so I dropped everything to do so. I didn’t exactly drop everything but it sure slowed things down. I asked for Friday’s off and that gave me three days a week to attend to farm, home, and ministry to others. Ministry to others takes a higher priority in my mind that taking care of my own stuff so much has suffered because of that.

Under this is drip irrigation going to waste as I do not have what it takes to clear it by hand.

These pictures will show so much that hasn’t been done. Many areas of the farm should have already been cleared and planted but sit with weeds growing. The fact that our tiller seems to have burned a valve and will no longer work puts a big damper on things. Clearing and tilling by hand is hard and slow work that brings with it extremely high pain levels.

I managed to get corn planted in this area though it's hard to see. Trying to use the old cultivator I got from one of the widows we help turned into a disaster. I have spent much time over the last 2 years installing underground drip irrigation tape and since that time the wind has blown away much of the soil so I ended up cutting and pulling up much of the tape. I repaired what I could but ran out of repair parts and we don’t have the funds to get more right now.

A high priority for me is to get the cantaloupe and watermelons planted, as we hope to finally make a profit on something we grow. So I spent hours and hours building these mounds to plant on. They had been built last year but the wind has blown away all that I did. In fact many of the water lines I had buried underground now lay stretched out above the ground. It takes me ten to fifteen minutes to make each one of these mounds so that works out to four of five an hour. I have hundreds to make.

The drip irrigation I hoped to have finished and planted for the watermelons remains unfinished. What a disappointment it is for me to see this stuff laying there undone. It is frustrating but a sacrifice I chose to make for one of my brothers in Christ. I will get it done, eventually. Part of my frustration is I am helping this brother to put about six figures of income in his pocket and he’s too cheap to buy work gloves for me to use. It has cost me several pairs of jeans and T-shirts that have had holes burned into them from welding and grinding on his project, and we can’t really afford to buy new clothes. But that’s ok, I remind myself that whatever I do I do for the Lord and when I get to heaven I will have my reward. When I get done with the two weeks of prison ministry and go back to work for him I will take a $6.00 pack of new gloves I bought for use on my farm and give them to him.

We are unsure of what will happen with the RV park. In a conversation with the brother, who said he would help back the project, he said “I’m one hundred percent invested in my other projects” indicating he had no funds to spare. I must email him and get a clarification on that for we have worked hard towards that dream and it would not be good to have the water well drilled only to find we can’t pay the guy.

Here you can see tubing that was once underground now exposed by the wind. There are also the vestiges of what once were nice tall mounds we planted with cantaloup. You can also see the white from salt deposits left by the well water.




Just got off the phone with the company that has a pipeline running across our land. Come to find out this pipeline has been in place for 35 years. It’s a crude oil line and he informed me that we can’t build anything within 20 feet of either side of it. He will come out tomorrow and mark the line clearly as well as help me understand the rules and laws concerning this stuff.

So as I write time is burning. There is so much I want to say but each minute on this computer is another minute I am not working on the farm. I hope to be able to mow a widows property today but we will see. I was able to go visit the Stanton jail yesterday and spend some time with the prisoners there. For that I am grateful. Ministering to those guys is another thing I sacrificed to help the friend and that bothers me.

The struggle continues

4/11/12 Wednesday – 4/16/12 Monday
So much on my mind these days, as I watch the world fall apart and the fast progression of insidious schemes designed to overthrow. Meantime I watch the church continue to blind it’s eyes and not speak up as people focus on their personal kingdoms and wealth. This morning’s scripture reading included a statement Jesus made in John 13. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another

It is this most basic, most central theme of the Christian faith, that is the most lacking in the church. Oh, they will say “We love!” but the reality of their actions reveal the truth. They love when it is convenient, when others are watching, and for a display, but when it comes to making any kind of real sacrifice, when it costs them something, that all seems to disappear. It’s easy to love the lovable but Jesus asks we love those who are not so easy to love. And real love, the kind that chooses for the highest good of the other person over what is good for you, means you give something up. The church that kicked us out talks about love and will tell you to your face that they show love, but not one of them sat down and talked with us. Now the pastor hides her face whenever she sees one of us. Cherie has seen her several times at the post office and she will study carefully the mail she has, keeping her eyes down, or start up and drive quickly away. This hypocrisy breaks our heart for we know the world sees and despises Christianity because of it. Plus we know that we (including me) will all stand before the judgment seat of Christ and have to answer for what we do and don’t do.

We are surrounded by people of means, who are very comfortable and have plenty. Yet we struggle to survive in the midst of this wealth. Meantime I continue to sacrifice to help others, giving of my time while my farm lies unplanted, but choosing to do what I know is best for others. I cut a tree off of a widow’s house yesterday and when she asked what I wanted her to pay I told her “you can pay me what you want. If money is short don’t pay me anything. I am happy and grateful that I was able to help you. That is my reward”. While cutting the tree two young men came by and asked what that job was worth, for they had been asked to cut a tree of the same size down by a neighbor. I let them know what a professional would charge and then told them about the love God has for them and of how God had raised me from the dead. That was worth more than a thousand trees.

I went to Kairos prison ministry training Saturday and one of the men there told me he saw “great sadness” in my eyes. He was perceptive for sure. There is a great sadness in my eyes as they see so much that others seem blind to. There is a new song I heard on the Christian radio that talks of how many in church are busy pointing their fingers and judging others, more worried about looking for faults in others than about those around who have needs, whether spiritual or material. It is the same kind of self-righteous religiosity that motivated the Pharisees and religious leaders to kill Jesus. In fact most of the prophets of old were killed or persecuted, and the same still goes on today. A true prophet presents the standards of God, and in that the sin and error of those around are exposed. With that comes jealousy, envy, and anger. If someone, who claims to be a prophet, (there are a growing number of them these days as it is a popular part of some segments of Christianity) always says what is pleasing to your ear, beware! That is a sure sign of a false prophet. A root of all this is pride and the desire to have others look up and admire you.

I wrote another email to the pastor that kicked me out, always reaching out with the hope that she will repent and thus escape the judgment of God, but I fear she chooses to not recognize or acknowledge any fault in her. Here is a story about a little church I am familiar with. The pastor came to one of its wealthier members and cried “we don’t have enough funds to help those in need, because people aren’t tithing like they should”. It was evident that she was appealing to this man for more money and presenting the “need” to help and minister to others in need. Soon after that we saw this church asphalting their parking lot, a not too cheap project. How clearly this illustrates the error in mind that exists in so many churches. I know of a pastor who told me that if the church parking lot was full of Cadillac’s more people would come. The same mentality exists when you think that a paved parking lot will attract people to church.

Jesus was clear about how to grow a church, reach out to the lost, not the rich per se. Have a true compassion for those in need. To truly love your neighbor as yourself means to look at them and understand that without a saving faith in God they are doomed, and do not have eternal life in heaven to look forward to. And then to act based on that, to reach out to them, make a personal sacrifice of your time and effort, to care enough to do something.

“Do you really believe?” is a question I want to ask so many who wear that Christian label proudly on their chest. “Really?” because I can’t see it in your actions. Read what the early church was like right after Jesus died on the cross. This is found in Acts chapter 4:32 And the congregation of those who believed were of one heart and soul ; and not one of them claimed that anything belonging to him was his own, but all things were common property to them. 33 And with great power the apostles were giving testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and abundant grace was upon them all. 34 For there was not a needy person among them, for all who were owners of land or houses would sell them and bring the proceeds of the sales 35 and lay them at the apostles' feet, and they would be distributed to each as any had need.

You see, when you really believe, and understand that this time on earth is like a job application for eternity in heaven, when you really believe that you WILL stand before the judgment seat and give account for what you did, THEN others needs are more important than your own, THEN doing what is pleasing to God is more important than just taking care of yourself, THEN you understand who you are and learn to be a servant, to humble yourself and work to build up others. Until that happens in your heart all your religion is empty and worthless.

This is a warning to take heed of. Jesus will be the judge on that day. Why? Because He lived here on earth in a human body, because He endured all the temptations we all have, and because He died so that we can have life. Listen carefully to what Jesus, who will be your judge, says. First in Mathew 7:13 - "Enter through the narrow gate ; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14 "For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.

It’s not easy folks, the easy way is the wrong path. Be careful for there are many who go to church but will not be found acceptable. Just a few paragraphs down Jesus said “Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22 "Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles ?' 23 "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.'

Did you catch that? These are people doing things in the name of Jesus, they are “Good Christians”, at least in their own minds, but are not. Sure they are doing things, good Christian things, but their hearts are poisoned. So many do things to be seen by others, to impress those around with how holy they are, but not because of real compassion and love. It is not what you do that is important, but why you do it.

I will leave you with the words Jesus spoke in Mathew chapter 25 and hope that you will understand and take to heart what He said. "But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. 32 "All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats ; 33 and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left. 34 "Then the King will say to those on His right, 'Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat ; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink ; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36 naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' 37 "Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink ? 38 'And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39 'When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?' 40 "The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.' 41 "Then He will also say to those on His left, 'Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels ; 42 for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat ; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink ; 43 I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.' 44 "Then they themselves also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?' 45 "Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.' 46 "These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

We will all be judged on how we treat those around us. These are the words of Jesus, the son of God, before whom we will all stand and answer. Remember, Jesus said, “To the extent that you did, or did not, do it to one of the LEAST of mine, you did it to me”. In Jesus’s eye, how we treat others is how we treat Him.

I have taken 2 weeks off of work so I can attend two Kairos events in two different prisons. This will cause great hardship financially but working for my friend, who came and said “I need help” has put me almost three months behind on my farm. Weeds are growing wild, drip irrigation is not installed, and crops have not been planted, so I have made a great sacrifice to help a friend and dearly hope to catch up on those three days a week I have available to work on the farm. But I will still spend time to help the widows we have been honored to serve, for this is pleasing to God. Remember me in your prayers as I strive to accomplish so much.

Too dark to see

4/4/12 Wednesday
As I opened this journal, the last words I wrote stuck out to me “Till it gets too dark to see”. My thoughts are heavy this morning as I watch the gathering gloom in the world around us, and even here locally with many we meet. On the news there is little news, but a presentation of ideas and views that are diametrically opposed to all that we hold dear as servants of God. As the views are espoused there comes with them the concept that if you don’t agree or accept the worlds view, there is something wrong with you. There is the Miss Universe pageant entry who was born a male but had a sex change operation so, after some publicity, the pageant has changed their rules, to “Keep up with modern thinking”.

There is so much I see, for I see with eyes that are different now. When I woke from that coma the whole world was new, as if I was a baby just born into the world. In the eleven years since I woke up much has returned regarding my memory but that fresh outlook still remains. I watch people who have money cling to what they have, guarding it carefully so no one else can get it. Their money has become their God, the idol they worship, but they are blind to that in themselves. There is a self-deception that is common in this, as they surround themselves with others who also diligently guard their riches and each pats the other on the back as they complement themselves for all the great charitable work they do. I have watched as those who have money develop the fear or attitude that everyone who is not as well off as they are after their money. This is often true but not always, but it sets up a defensiveness and distrust in their minds.

Today was a high pain day. Worked for Jim at his milling machine and that is like washing dishes for me. There was little heavy lifting but standing there and having to stoop slightly to observe my work is what hurts the most. Yesterday was similar so by the time I get home I am shuffling along carefully.

Went out to find the string attachment for our weed wacker and couldn’t. Nuts, I know it is somewhere but don’t have a clue where. Of course I can’t remember what I did with it so searched high and low in the garage. No luck but it sure brought out some frustration. My garage is like a picture of my life, full of unfinished projects and things I had planned on doing. Searching through the garage was a reminder of the shortcomings this brain injury has caused.

As I looked I saw this black plastic box and wondered “What is that?”. So I dug it out from under the pile of stuff on top and opened it. “Wow!” I exclaimed as I saw it was a brand new never used electric impact wrench. Here’s the deal, I don’t remember ever buying it, don’t have a clue when I could have, and despite seeing it still can’t remember. It could have been sitting there three or four years. I found a box of tools that was new to me but at least I think I know where it came from, the old red diesel service truck I had. It is a little depressing to be faced with these reminders that I still have the results of that brain injury to overcome.

I’m tired tonight. Usually I get out and work on the farm when I come home from working for Jim but not this time. The pain pills only dampen the pain and being reminded of my disability sure curbed my enthusiasm. So I decided to just crawl in the bed and write this. Having a hard time staying awake so I’ll probably sleep good tonight. That little rant about the darkness I wrote this morning shortly after waking up. Part of that is the fact that I am getting so tired of the hypocrisy I see everywhere. Hope I don’t offend any of you. All I desire is for those who believe in God to get real about it, and understand that we all will answer to God. Nuff said. Good night folks.

What does it cost you?

4/3/12 Tuesday
It’s been a busy month and now we are already into April. I’ve been working for Jim in Odessa for going on 7 weeks now. He came to me and said “I need some help making this truck”. We needed to earn some money and I am always eager to help a brother out so agreed to work for him. “How much do you want me to pay you?” Jim asked. I told him he could pay me whatever he felt was right. I did remind him that it was a 90 mile round trip to his shop and with my diesel truck only getting 14 miles to the gallon it cost me $25 each day I came to work. So I’ve been a welder, machinist, and painter for Jim, enduring great pain but not saying a word about it, other than requesting a lunch break so I can take my pain medication and get a half hour of rest.

Meantime I am way behind on so many other things. I requested Friday’s off so I can keep helping the widows we serve and take care of things on the farm. It turns out that I have not been able to keep up on those things so helping a brother has come with great sacrifice that wasn’t foreseen. As of this moment I have yet to get a single thing planted, with the exception of the strawberry plants we ordered. The nice tiller someone blessed us with is down. I think it burned a valve or something. Not surprising considering how much work it has done since we got it, I think three years ago.

I get out with the sun every morning to work on the farm. Lately my focus has been on getting the drip irrigation installed where we hope to plant melons. I used the old cultivator we picked up from Mary on the area I hope to have corn planted. It was the first time I had ever used one and in the process destroyed some of the drip irrigation lines that were buried there. I need to buy some new blades for it so will pray we find funds to do that. I had wanted the corn to be planted by now. With the tiller out of commission getting areas ready to plant will be harder. We should have tomatoes and peppers in by now but the funds for that haven’t appeared yet. All the money I make working for Jim go to pay bills and necessary items and there is none left over. There are some medical and dental needs we are asking God to help us cover as well.

The RV park project isn’t moving along very well. Part of the problem is my inability to remember and follow through on things. This frustrates me to no end. I suspect that many people think I am lazy or don’t care because I don’t get things done, choosing to not understand the struggles I have with this brain injury. The concept that I must be reminded of things like a little child is hard for many to grasp when they can see that I am fairly intelligent. I did finally get prices on septic systems and what it will take to get electricity run to the area. Finding a good source for Caliche hasn’t been done. My plan is to rent a back hoe to dig the septic system and a trencher for plumbing and underground electricity. I really don’t know if there are any backhoes available for rent.

We spent a great part of the weekend mowing lawns and weeds for the two sweet little old ladies we help, with Cherie visiting with them while I worked. I think the visiting is more appreciated than the work for in this day and age people seem to have little time to spend with others on a personal level. There are some who would suggest I should spend less time helping others out when my farm is being neglected. They don’t understand the priorities I maintain. I serve God by helping others. Jesus said we are to “Love our neighbor as we love ourselves” and true love is the one that comes with some sacrifice. The parable He told of the rich religious leader giving a chunk of money with lots of pomp and public display, versus the widow who only gave pennies, illustrates this well. He didn’t suffer at all from what he gave, didn’t cost him much for it was excess for him, but she gave all she had and it could well have cost her a meal or two. God looks at the degree of sacrifice involved with what we do. We know some who are happy to give their leftovers, what they were going to throw away anyway, and that is not wrong at all. But what does it cost you? There is the truth of the matter.

I have to leave for work soon. When I get home from working for Jim I generally sit down till the pain subsides, eat the dinner my lovely wife prepares, and then go work on the farm till it gets too dark to see.