Not the best start

9/30/08 Tuesday
It’s not the best start for a day. My mind is operating at the stupid level, that would be a three on the bob scale thing I use. Judging from the amount of time I’ve spent on the toilet the last two days I may be fighting off some kind of stomach illness on top of being slow. Whether one affects the other I don’t know.

I called the VA number but had a hard time talking with them. They asked for my discharge date and I don’t have a clue when that was and guessed at what year it was. After explaining the brain damage she asked to talk to Cherie. I told her Cherie was at work. The lady gave me an address and said to have Cherie mail a pay check stub. I’m sure that the disability check we get tomorrow will have to be repaid so will be careful not to spend it.

There is lots to do and I hope I do well at doing it. With Cherie working I have duties around the house now. The outside dogs barked all night long. I got up at 3:30 to see if there was something out there. Not that I could tell. Putting them in the kennel still isn’t working. They started digging out from the small area in the middle that was not covered with the plywood. The plywood I had recovered from the landfill to use in the “seed shack” I was insulating and wiring up to use for starting seeds. Just another unfinished project. I’m so tired of not accomplishing goals.

I’ve been mowing weeds so much I’ve neglected the hand watering I need to do. The pumpkins and melons are all suffering. Everything else has soaker hoses and I’ve been able to do that. It’s just turning on the hose and setting the alarm on my phone so is much easier. Except when I forget to turn it off.

I’m just exhausted from no sleep but don’t have time to sleep so got to go. We still have lots of fleas despite bombing the entire house and treating every animal.
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My frustration level is high as well as my anger. Went out to water the pumpkins and was shocked at what I saw. In my mind I haven’t watered in two weeks because of the rain we had but the reality is it has almost been a month. I’ve been focused on mowing weeds and because of that other things escaped my mind, things like the rest of the garden. The once proud pumpkin plants have been decimated by squash bugs. Before I went to Toledo to bury my friend I had been out watering and going through them plant by plant killing the squash bugs and scraping off their eggs. Now they are there by the thousands. I was hoping to make about a thousand dollars off of the nearly two hundred plants but will be lucky to make anything. My timing was wrong when I planted them anyway.

I work as hard as I can every day but it isn’t enough. The three days I work for the old man are cutting into my farm time heavily. I just feel like more of a man when I can do some work for someone and the few bucks I make are good to have. Then I try to do things for others we know. But I can’t keep up at home. With Cherie working the okra and peppers are not getting picked. That was something she was doing. Now there’s a ton of okra that is too old and thus no good. I’ve done some of the house work Cherie asked but have yet to clean the cat litter. I don’t want to accept that I can’t do what I used to. I don’t.