Hope today goes better

12/4/08 Thursday
I hope today will go better. I finally figured out how to turn on the wireless. Went online to the Lynksys website because the manual and set up CD have disappeared. Now that the living room has been painted much of what we had shoved into the office we’ve been able to move to the living room, where it was supposed to be. That should help clear the office up. I need to get into our storage trailer to see if there is a credenza or something that we can use. There’s some stuff in there that I had been able to recover from my old warehouse but I don’t remember what it is.

Cherie was able to come home last night and it is good to have her next to me at night but I still didn’t sleep well. I don’t know why but my side of the bed is soaking wet from sweat. I’ve been getting hot and sweating and then freezing cold for a few days now. This morning it was 28 degrees out yet walking out with just a shirt and jeans on felt good.

A guy named Willie stopped by yesterday. He said he had talked to my grandmother when she had the garage sale a couple of years ago. That doesn’t sound right cause we were here a couple of years ago and when Troy, my grandmother’s brother, had his garage sale here (against my grandmother’s wishes) she was in the nursing home. It’s just a little strange. He was pretty inquisitive, asking lots of questions like how much land and what we planned on doing with it. I don’t necessarily mind that but my suspicious and somewhat paranoid mind examines everything. I still can’t find my hoe and pick axe and the first thing I think is that someone snuck in here and stole them. I realize that this is not reasonable but the thought is still there. Paranoia and depression are things I constantly must fight against every day. I try to use reason to overcome them but logic can’t always beat out emotion. It’s just hard to look at everything I haven’t done or started and never finished.

There is no doubt that Gretchen is pregnant so we will most likely have a batch of Christmas or new year’s puppies. Anyone want a puppy? She doesn’t seem to like the nice insulated dog house I built with the idea that she would need a warm place to have them in.

If I can start writing in the morning it would be good for by the end of the day there’s just not much left in me. That mental fatigue, which I have a hard time comprehending, sets in hard if I don’t take a nap or have a busy day. I get so tired of getting so tired.

Enough whining. I need to get out and see if I can accomplish anything.
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I found my pick axe. It was out at the far side of the water system we are putting in. Unfortunately I found another uncompleted task with it. In my mind I had completed clearing out dirt from the trenches to allow the pipes to settle at the bottom. I haven’t. Every day I see things like this and it’s demoralizing to say the least. Why try. Why should I aspire when I can’t achieve.

Today my level of anger is high. That is never good and every little thing sets me off right now. I just want to hide. In fact on days like this I try to not go out in public at all. I started to run into Stanton to pick up something to eat for lunch but turned off the truck and came back inside, where I fixed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything. Simple things like opening a stubborn cardboard box results in me tearing it apart in frustration.

Great, now I have one of those debilitating headaches starting up at the back of my eyes.