12/9/05 Friday
Sorry guys about not posting. This laptop caught a nasty little disease called “Axe man” or something like that so I took it to the laptop doctor. He told me that he had several of the axe spyware come in at the same time. I told the guy “This is like a big chess game for you guys. Someone comes up with something and you have to figure it out and they come up with something else”. He just grinned and said that keeps him working.
When I got this thing Wednesday it drove me nuts as I tried everything to get rid of it. When Cherie got home I was in a foul mood and snappy. She just stayed away till I got less angry. It kept me upset all day Thursday and I took it in that morning. Pissy day.
When I went to Kroger this morning to get the stuff Fred had called me to get for him, I tried to go through the check yourself out counter. I don’t know why I keep doing that cause it often causes lots of frustration. This time after I rang up the half gallon of milk that was the first item, the machine said “Please wait for the cashier” and wouldn’t do anything else. I looked at the desk where the cashier is supposed to be to see it empty. I waited and pushed the call cashier button lots of times with no response. Now I am pissed and reloaded the cart, heading for a regular check out. Poor girl, she caught all the frustration as I unloaded loudly. The girl who was supposed to be at the other counter had been laughing and visiting the cashier I was talking to and shut up, scurrying back to where she’s supposed to be.
Then Virtual PC called to tell me my computer is ready. My baby’s going to be alright and that settled me a little. I depend on this laptop a lot, especially for this journal.
I seem to be fairly sharp now. It is 2:28. I just got off the phone with Allen. He is doing poorly and back to talking about blowing his head off. I had visited Allen a few days ago. Not really sure when but we had talked about getting him into the Zeph Center for help. I know they will help him get registered and approved for medical help. I told Allen that this way he could get medical attention for his back pain but I also know he needs the mental health attention also. Kind of a backdoor way to get him help.
I called the Zeph Center and learned what it took to get him down there. Then I called Allen back and got his permission to give the Zeph his phone number. They will have a case worker call him and set up an appointment. I will have to let him know what to say, kind of coach him because if you don’t speak their language they can’t understand you. I think I will be spending some time with Allen so I should talk to her about it. (There’s another reason for this journal. Cherie reads it and knows what I did and forgot as well as reminders like talking to me about Allen.)
I will go write out what to tell Allen now.
I am tiring out. Never did carve. I think I will get that light Cherie got for her sewing and see if it helps me see as I carve. Kind of slowing down and getting headache.
I carved for a while but it was slow going. Had to take regular breaks.

12705 Wednesday

12/7/05 Wednesday
     I just checked my E mail and there was one from my oldest son Bruce. He was in Baltimore or some city I am foggy on at the moment and said that his next E mail would be from some place sandy like Kuwait. I didn’t get to see him at all but was grateful to see he placed me on his short list of those he sends E mail out too. It hurts to write about it but writing helps me sort things out. I miss them both but they have their lives. I pretty much have been unable to be in touch with them for five years, due not only to the coma and injuries but also to the events leading up to the accident.
     I sent Bruce an E mail with two of the “Engrish” pictures. Then I checked E mail again and published yesterday’s entry. After that I went blogging for a while. Now it is 11:41. I think I will carve. I’ve been thinking about River East lately. About my things that remain over there, about my friends, Bernie and Keith, about the whole thing. I have been thinking much of this past along with about my boys. So much sadness, so much that was never finished, it’s hard not to be depressed. Good time to carve.

12605 Tuesday

12/6/05 Tuesday
     Went blogging this morning and that’s about all so far. It’s 9:26.

First Posted - Nov 22, 2005

These butterflies better be good...
(image placeholder)

Blogging can be so fun. This stuff is from engrish.com. I’ve just scratched the surface of this site and already had a tons of laughs.

It keeps going. I gotta get out of this site or I will spend all day here.

I..I..


Can’t

Stop

Finally I turned it off. Time to get ready for the day. I take Wayne to the Zeph Center.
     Cherie just called and said “Hey”. I replied and waited for her to talk as she evidently was doing with me. “Well” she said. “Cherie, you called me, I’m just waiting for you to say something” was my response. She asked if I ate and of course I haven’t. Suppose I should fix something. I had a big four egg omelet and opened the can of jalapeños just for it. That should sanitize the system. I need to call Fred, see how he is, and let him know I am picking up Wayne. I can drop off what Fred bought for Barb as it is on the way.
     I got the stuff to Barb. There was another car there with two nervous blacks eyeing me. Who is this, in his black cap with a metal symbol on the top, in this Cadillac that is definitely out of place, pulling up next to us. I pulled in on the other side of a car to ease their paranoia and waited a second before I got out. I got halfway up her walk when she got to the door. She was explaining who I was to someone out of sight as I got to it. We made the quick exchange at the door and I hurried back to the warmth of the Caddy. I’m sure if some drug task force was watching it would look real suspicious.
     I got to Wayne’s with this Bose system cranked on the blues. He heard me but not as loudly as I would of thought. Wayne was ready so I got him to the bank first. From there I headed toward the Zeph Center. I haven’t tried to go there from the bank and got lost. One of those blanks when I don’t recognize the street I am on and am uncertain which direction I am traveling. It took me a mile or so to get oriented and we made it here. After inventing a parking space (cause it was crowded) I went in and checked on Wayne. The waiting room was packed with no seats so I told Wayne “Do you need me in there today? No? I’ll be out in the car. Wake me up when you come out”.
     I went out and got his laptop out, turned on the stereo and put in the Sting CD I grabbed this morning. Didn’t write anything, just listened. Wayne made it out and I took him to the dollar store. After that I took him to get groceries. Wayne was starting to have me do everything, he would stop in front of something like a can of soup and look at it and say “I should get some of that” and then just look at it, waiting for me to reach over and get it. Wayne would then tell me something else he needed and just stop for me to lead him. I recognize this sort of dependency so I began telling Wayne he needs to pick what he wanted and help me find the correct isles. He needs to be as independent as possible. This will help combat the depression.

12505 Monday

12/5/05 Monday
     Cherie got up late and I slept longer than usual this morning. It’s 9:30 AM. I am showered and shaved so I have a good start on going to what may be an unpleasant event. That would be taking Fred back to Ed Schmidt to confront them on how they screwed him. While I am kinds up in arms about this and want to see it made right I am unsure of my ability to be of help. When I am under stress and have to think quickly my brain begins to freeze up and sometimes I can’t say what I want. Words get hard to find in my mind so I stutter. This doesn’t happen all the time. If I prepare for something where things are familiar I can be fine, unless things take an unexpected turn. Then there are good days where I can breeze through without any difficulties. The other thing I have to watch for is my tendency to say what’s on my mind in no uncertain terms.
     Fred called. We agreed to go over at 11:00. It will stay about 22 degrees all day long but will get colder when another front comes through tomorrow. I don’t think I will go take pictures at the park for a day or two. Fred said he wanted to go eat breakfast after the Ed Schmidt thing.
     I need to start using this computer calendar again. Kinda stopped a while ago. Partly I need to do this to maintain a record of what I’ve done. Why this is important I don’t know but I cling to records because of the memory loss. The visual I have in my head on that is me floundering about in deep choppy water at night grabbing for and clutching as many of the torn pieces of paper that were floating all about me. On them are written little pieces of memory.
     Enough melodrama. I just looked up Fred’s trade in value on the Lincoln as I prepare for this meet. I never worry about how I look but this time agonized over what to wear. I even ironed a shirt. That’s not normal for me but Cherie is training me. After much debate I chose the “Man in Black” look. I am going to warm up the car now.
     That wasn’t much fun. As we headed over Fred asked me to do all the talking. Going in I asked for someone important because we had a problem. They dug up the sales manager who looked about 25. He came over and Fred started in on how he felt like he got screwed. He brought up the ad he saw telling the price had been reduced from $8900 to $6750 and the sales manager knew that ad was for a different car as I had told Fred. He keyed in on that as being our mistake and would not hear much else. The Slickster came over and voiced how hurt he was by our saying he was misleading. “I’m offended you said that” he told me. I just looked at him and smiling said “OK, be offended”. He got up and left. It got to the point that I was tired of their dancing around and spoke up in a voice loud enough it could be heard across the building “How do you think it would look if everyone knew you screwed an 87 year old blind man who can’t hear”. The manager told me to watch my language. He doesn’t have a clue that it wouldn’t bother me to stand on the corner with a big sign telling of how they took advantage of Fred. In fact I would think it to be fun. It doesn’t matter because Fred signed the contract and they have no interest in changing anything. That sucks but in this country if you don’t have a lawyer you are helpless.
     After we got done Fred wanted to go to Sam’s diner where he had a coupon. We got there and Fred learned they stopped selling breakfast an hour ago. He had been looking forward to breakfast so I suggested the Waffle House. That was fine so I drove him there. I took him to Kazmiers after breakfast and helped him shop, announcing what was on the shelves as we walked by. He picked out a few things but was running out of steam by now and breathing hard so I took him through the check out and got him home. He did have me call Barb to see what she needed and picked up some sugar and something else for her.
     It is 4:00 and I am tired. Wayne just called to ask if I can come early tomorrow so he could cash his check. Better put that in the calendar.

     It is 7:13. I just looked here and don’t know what to say. Think I should call it a night. I took the garbage out and coming back in I got my heavy winter coat out and threw it on the couch.
     Oh! I just remembered I wanted to write of this. This morning (or last night, I don’t remember) I heard Cherie laughing in the other room. “What’s so funny?” I asked her. She had read what I said about the movie Batman, how with masterful logic bullshit I figured I had seen it over at Wayne’s place. “No” she said “We saw it together, We rented it”. That’s how it works, remember the movie but not the who and where.
  

Sunday - Nice and slow

I carved this heart for Cherie's valentine. The box it's on I made for my father, hoping he would like it but he sent it back.

12/4/05 Sunday
When Cherie turned on this laptop and opened my journal this morning she found that there were huge chunks of text that was corrupted. They were full of strange symbols and an occasional happy face with an unhappy smile. It scared her and she was afraid she did it, or that I would be mad, or… a million other thoughts as panic builds up. She heard me wake up and came in to tell me about it, waiting for me to be upset.

It got my attention but I didn’t think it would be too bad. I got up to see what had happened and found a mess. Now I’m worried. I started looking around in this computer to see what was there. In the Journal folder I found two copies of the Word document, two labeled word back up, and about six temporary files. Pulling up the temp files I found they were copies of the journal that were created at different dates. From this I put together the journal.
I seem to be doing quite well this morning. Enjoying being with Cherie and keep getting struck when I look at her. She’s beautiful. It snowed and sleeted last night so we don’t want to go anywhere. Ate a piece of Allen’s brownie and it was very good.

Speaking of that I need to finish telling of yesterday. Fred had called me and said that he had a rough night and he couldn’t stop worrying about the car thing. In his raspy voice Fred said (As you read this imagine his raspy voice) “Bob, would you mind going to the library and getting a copy of that ad. I know it said from $8900 to $6745. We really need that, if we wait till Tuesday,…” and on as he voiced what he had been chewing on all night long.
So I went to the library near here on Glansman. I went through the few papers they had left and found nothing so I went to the main Library downtown. I didn’t know if it would be open as they said it would be closed during the nazi idiot rally. (The computer wants me to capitalize nazi but it doesn’t deserve that) It was open so I found the newspaper selection, looking to see if any of the staff who had taught me how to use the computers was sitting at the desk. Didn’t see anyone so I went up to the newspaper section and got papers going back two weeks.
Sitting at a table I thumbed through them page by page looking for the yellow full page Ed Schmidt ad. I found plenty as that is his usual format. I finally found a silver Cadillac that had been reduced from $8900 to $6900 but it was a different model and a year newer. I let Fred know and headed over to Allen’s. I had put the grill in the trunk cause Allen wanted to buy porterhouse steaks and grill them.
When I got there I dialed his number. “Here” I said when he picked up, as I always do. I carried the grill and waited till he opened the door. I was expecting to go in but he had keys in hand ready to go so back to the Caddy. “Where are we going?” I asked. Allen said “Andersons”. Even though I have been to Andersons tons of times, even after I woke up I didn’t have a clue where to go. “Which direction” I asked him at the first corner. It wasn’t till we were almost there I figured out where Anderson’s was. It’s in the Woodville Mall, one of those malls that is just hanging on to life.
We went in to Anderson’s and headed straight for the “House of Meats” counter. Allen is excessive in his cordiality. He is trying to hard to be my friend asking my opinion on everything “What do you like? Which one of those should I get? You want this one?”. We were getting along fine and talking about many things but there is a subtle strain there. We get the steak and head back.
It took a while to decide where to use the grill and once it was we went down stairs. Allen has been isolating so long that his social skills aren’t well practiced. Actually, when I think about it, I believe it is due to traumatic brain injury. We already know he has been hit in the head with hammers and fell through the roof of a barn. His isolation is contributing to his paranoia and the effects of extreme and extended depression. Just a little bit close to being out of touch with reality. Not there but almost.
We watched the new Batman movie. I thought I had seen it already but Allen told me, matter of factly, “No you haven’t”. I said that I recognized the scene but couldn’t remember what came next. This is normal for me. I’m the guy who can see the same movie as if for the first time several times before it sticks. While I can remember the immediate scene I often can’t recall what will happen soon.
It took a while but I finally figured out I had seen the whole movie but couldn’t recall where. I eventually deciphered this mystery through masterful logic. There are only three people I have watched DVD movies with and one of them is me. The others are Allen and Wayne and Allen was getting this in on his satellite so it was with Wayne.
Allen would watch for a few minutes and then launch on a discourse about how scenes had evolved and why this was the greatest Batman movie. He would keep on a thought till I told him “I got it. Look at that!” directing him back to the movie. A few minutes later he would get back on the subject and reiterate the previous conversation. After a while I recognized this as a same problem I have and that is common with TBI’s. It is called perseveration, where you repeat yourself often.
He said something about me not calling and I made the mistake of telling him I haven’t because we always argue. This bothered Allen immensely and became the subject he couldn’t get away from. He fixated on this, bringing up his past with being abused and suckered by his grandfather, and then wandering to other examples of similar relationships including other movies. To add fuel to this fire I said that I remembered bad experiences more than good. Allen became almost desperate, feeling like I was going to stop being his friend. He would offer me things, little gifts like his brownies. I started to tell him he didn’t have to buy my friendship but was afraid of where Allen would take that.
We did talk about his going to the Zeph Center. He brought it up which was good. It means he has been giving serious thought to what I told him a while back but it didn’t take him long to get back to our friendship. “I can’t believe you don’t remember all the good times we’ve had here. I would let you come over because you were cold and could watch movie’s and play games. You save my life. If you hadn’t come over and made me do things I would be dead now. I would have put a gun in my mouth” Allen repeated what he has told me ever since it happened. (For those of you who don’t know, Allen blew himself up in a fireworks accident when they were preparing a show.) There is a desperation there and I know I can help him so I will make sure I call him more often.
Cherie called and was depressed. I told her I would be home by five or so. When I hung up Allen looked hurt and stunned as he asked me “Do you have to go? I thought you were going to stay for a while. That’s ok. I’ll put the steaks up”. OOH! I thought. I forgot all about grilling the steaks and really had no idea how long I had been there. I tried to explain that to Allen but it took some doing, however it increased his paranoia of me not wanting to be his friend.
We got the grill going and even that was awkward. When I had brought the grill and steaks before we had a problem when Allen kept trying to tell me what to do. I didn’t agree with his suggestion and he wouldn’t let it go till I said it was my steak and grill and my gift to him so I would cook it how I want. Now he is trying not to get involved at all to avoid a repeat of that. “Allen, these are your steaks and we’ll do it the way you like, OK?”. I couldn’t gauge how done the steaks were very well at all so they came out raw. We finally got some cooked good enough to eat so took them downstairs to eat. He got back on the friendship thing again and again so I would apologize again and again for saying I only remembered bad things. Then I would again and again tell him “Alright, we’ve already been through this remember? We agreed to drop it so lets drop it”.
We watched another movie, something about the crusades that was pretty good. “I knew you would like this. See! We have a lot of the same taste don’t we?” Allen pointed out as he tried to convince me we should be good friends. He had seen this movie before so would just talk, explaining what we had just seen as if I already forgot it. Then he would segway onto another subject and come back to repeat himself. Then he would get quiet, looking down till he would tell of painful deep hurts that plagued his thought. He surprised me by saying he thought of me as a father in passing as he talked of another subject. Later he would talk of how much he sought and respected my advice.
There is a loneliness and desperation in Allen that I have known so my heart goes out to him. If I spend the time I can heal some of his pain. I can do this by teaching him how to change his thinking, how to choose strength, how to strengthen self control by using it, how to love life. It’s more than healing some pain, it is opening doors to a happier and more fulfilling life. At least I think I can, who knows, probably another delusion.
I tried my best to assure Allen that he was indeed my friend and that I liked it that way but his fear would always return. It got to 8:00 so I told him I had to go. When I told him I would call more often he told me thank you.
With that I came home to find Cherie dead asleep. I quietly whispered in her ear “Do you think she’s asleep? Should I wake her up?” then I stroked her cheek and said “Hi honey, I’m home”. Cherie stirred a little bit and in her sleep said “Hiiigh honee”. I left her to sleep and really don’t know what I did with the rest of the day.

As I write yesterdays account I figured I should stop and tell of what this morning is like. We are happy, laughing, and enjoying. I told Cherie we need to stop laughing when we are kissing as it makes it hard.
When I went back through the journal looking for the corrupted spots I stopped and read several sections. It is amazing how these entries unlock memories and also show what I guess I will call episodes, slow downs and how they affected my performance.
It’s 2:32. I just had another piece of the brownie. It’s still pretty good. Might have another piece in four hours or so. Cherie has gone shopping and Fred just called. He said if I wanted to go anywhere just take off. I almost always call him before I use his car.
I just looked up at Cherie’s screen saver while it scrolled the message I had placed over a year ago. “I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU…..GOD” The only message I seem to be able to get from God is the one I wrote.

It’s 4:46 now. Cherie is fixing some kind of chicken for dinner. She told me what kind but I don’t remember. At least I remember it was chicken.
I finally baked that pecan pie I wanted. It got a little overdone but should be OK.

12305 Saturday

12/3/05 Saturday
     This morning I am a little slow. Running about a 6 on the Bob scale. I checked my E mail and saw another one from LA publishing. They specialize on brain injury and had published my story. I would like to buy some of their stuff on TBI but keep forgetting and we don’t have a credit card. Tried to use our bank debit/credit card but it won’t work. I read the story I wrote and was surprised to see it close to the top of the many stories they have. When I figure out how I will put a link on the blog to them. There are a few other links I want to put on when I learn how. I did send them an E mail to give a short update and let them know I have a blog.
     Cherie is such a sweet heart and is worried about my problems with Christianity as it is today. She leaves little things like the newsletter from our church or my Bible where I can see them. It bothers her when I make fun of some of the extremes I have seen like blaming your problems on demons and casting them out. I will try to quit doing that.
     Today I will go over to Allen’s and spend some time with him. His depression is getting bad as he called and asked if I would. He seldom calls so I know it must be eating at him. He is suicidal and with his pain and addiction to the pain pills it can be touch and go. I will keep encouraging him to get into the system for medical help. He has no reliable source of income and distrusts doctors. Bad combination when you really need help.

Friday stuff with the MS Christmas party at the end

12/2/05 Friday
I love this wireless stuff. Right now I am at the Pilgrims Church where I took Barb, Dawn, and a new woman also named Barb. As I sit here in the car the computer notified me that I was in range of a wireless network. Clicking on the balloon it shows three networks. Two of them are “Secured networks” and one is not so I connected to it and went online to check my E mail. Too cool.
I met with Jeff at the Waffle House as we usually do every Friday. We talked about what I guess you would call theology. I explained my problem with the Christian adherence to the creation story as it is found in Genesis. It totally denies all the evidence that this earth and universe is millions of years old or at least the Christian churches do. What they do is worm around every way they can to make everything conform to their belief of how it is supposed to be. They dig up scientists and experts to support these concepts and choose to ignore the facts before them. One of the explanations I have heard is that God just made everything old. Why would He do that? Beats me, perhaps to confuse everybody and make it harder to believe. According to Genesis if you follow the genealogy from Adam and Eve which shows the blood line and ages of those in it the Earth is only about 5,000 years old. I explained my theory on that and while it made Jeff think he said he will hold to his belief that it is the way he has been told by the church.
I lost track of the time and told Jeff I had to fly because this is a busy morning and it would be hard for me to fit everything in the time schedule. As I sped down the road to pick up Cherie’s check I called Barb to let her know I was running late and to have everyone ready. Picking them up I said “Hold on cause I’m gonna fly”. I made use of this North star V8 which caused a bit of consternation as I cut the red lights a bit close. “Slow down Bob” Barb told me and I explained “Barb this is nothing. You should see how I drove back in the day I was living wild”. We got here in one piece and I told them to hurry cause I have to be back at the apartment by 11:00. It will tight. They are back now so things will work out.
I made it back in time and the maintenance guy is here. He will have to turn off the water to the whole building to fix our bath faucet. 47 years of calcium build up is a problem that doesn’t fix easy. Now he is working on the window cranks that also have worn out. The leaking window they will have to get someone else to do as it requires getting up three stories on the outside of the building and perhaps roof work.
I am doing well this morning, running about an 8 on the Bob scale. As always I hope it stays that way but will try to get stuff done quickly in case I slow down. Allen called me while I was picking up the girls for food. He asked if I could come and visit because it helps with his depression. He said if I bring the portable grill he would buy steaks. That reminds me. I need to fix a dish for the Multiple Sclerosis Christmas party I am taking Wayne to.
Cherie came home for lunch and when I told her about fixing the dish for Wayne she said that was what deli’s are for. That works, never thought of it. It is great to have Cherie to help on this kind of stuff. Wayne is supposed to bring a gift worth $5 or less so I will pick something up for that. I asked Cherie if you can get a gift certificate that low in price and she doesn’t know so I will have to shop around.
It is 12:40 and I am getting tired. The headache is coming. Fred has been asking if anyone has a copy of last Sunday’s paper which has an ad for the Caddy he bought showing the lower price on it. He had asked the newspaper delivery lady to get him one and she said she would see but I know better. I told him I could go down to the library and make a copy of it for him. I’ll do that after the maintenance guy leaves.
The maintenance guy just left. I definitely have a slow down. Took the migraine pill. Still have it. When I was in St Louis, Larry would get me a bottle of whiskey for my pain. Now I know it triggers seizures. Didn’t know what a seizure was then and wouldn’t remember anyway. Hope I get better for this party I am taking Wayne too. The ears are ringing and got that strange sensation on my arms along with the equilibrium thing. Walking is difficult. Despite all that I will go get that copy of last weeks paper for Fred. I will try to make it to Walfart (That’s what I call them) and inquire about gift certificates.
I couldn’t find the ad Fred said he had seen in the Nov 27 Sunday paper. It may have been another day or was missing from the library’s copy. When I came back I told Fred I couldn’t find it. I looked at his paperwork again to try and understand what had happened. No matter how I looked at it, it appears that Fred got screwed. I told him I would make copies and see if I can find someone who could explain this to me so I knew what I was talking about when we confronted the dealership.
I went to Walmart and got a $5 gift certificate for the Christmas party. I called Wayne and told him I was coming so be ready. Picking him up we headed for Kroger where I bought a pail of potato salad as his dish and getting out the directions went out to find this residence. We found the street alright but I couldn’t see any house numbers so I called them on my cell. I was sitting one house away and looking at it when they answered. We were the first ones there, at least I think we were.
We were warmly greeted and welcomed in. The party was in an addition the guy (Sorry, can’t remember his name) had built for his wife who uses a motorized wheel chair to get around.
It was decked out for Christmas and really cool. I took pictures of everyone there but now wish I had also photographed the room. They had some antique decorations and lots of stuff on the windows that surrounded the room affording a marvelous view outside where I watched cardinals and a blue jay eating the bird food put out for them.
I went out to move my car out of the driveway because I knew many of the guests use walkers and wheelchairs and would need room to get out of their rides. As I was doing that a van pulled up. Denise was a passenger and I walked with her to show her which door to go in while her friend parked the van. I am unsure of the relationships of these folks so if they read this I’m sorry if I mess up. More people began to trickle in and the chairs began to fill up. Jill, who has been a great help working to get Wayne some safe housing showed up. She always has this wonderful smile which you can see from her picture.

All of these people amaze me with their spirit in the face of this debilitating disease of Multiple Sclerosis. Denise exhibits the worst symptoms and still keeps trying and laughing. When I see them I am ashamed of whining about my problems. They are incredibly strong, resilient, and brave as they face a future with little hope for improvement. For that matter as they face the next day. You can see Denise in the middle. That is Wayne on the left

I am humbled as I watch these folks talk. They are not dwelling on their problems at all and just enjoy being with friends. Part of me wanted to tell them of the problems I have had from my brain injury but I can’t. I have nothing to say. I sit and learn about strength. I realize that I caused many of the problems I had with socializing by dwelling on my problems.

We had a wonderful dinner and the gift exchange was quit an experience. The gifts had been set under the tree. Some where labeled male or female or not labeled at all. They went month by month calling for birthdays. When yours came up you would pick a gift from the tree or get one someone else had already chosen. No one could open their gift till everyone had theirs. It was great fun. I did not bring a gift figuring the party was for those who had MS and just stayed in the back watching the fun. There were two gifts left when all had settled on theirs and someone pointed out I did not have one. “No, I didn’t bring a gift, I don’t need one” I protested but they would have non of that. The two gifts left were labeled “female” so I said “My wife would like one I guess”.
Hearing that a woman said “Take that one in the box” so I did despite my discomfort. Then everyone opened their gifts. The one I had was too perfect. It was a little doll of a guy with outstretched arms labeled Mr. Wonderful. When you squeezed it’s stomach it would say things like “Actually I’m not sure which way to go. I’ll turn in here and ask directions.” and “Here, you take the remote. As long as I’m with you I don’t care what we watch”. It was good to feel accepted and not judged. Too bad I couldn’t get that at the church Cherie and I had gone too a while ago.

It came time to go because I still had to take Wayne to the grocery store to get his monthly stock up of food. Besides that I was tired and had a hard time keeping up with everything going on. I took Wayne to Kroger and rushed him through as I was running down pretty bad. Now I am home and it is 10:31. Time to publish this blog and go through the ordeal I always do to get the pictures on the blog. Always got to learn how every time. Good night.

It's December

12/1/05 Thursday
Time to get going. Checked E mail and went blogging but need to get moving and do productive things instead of getting distracted. I’ll start with the dishes. Today I take Wayne to see his doctor. That is all I have scheduled. I am sure that will change. Cherie left me a recipe for the bean dish she makes that I love. I always appreciate when she asks me to do things instead of taking it all on her shoulders.
I just got out of the shower and checked the phone to see I missed a call. It was Fred so I called him right away. “Are you doing anything today” he asked. I told him I was taking Wayne to the doctor but that was all I had scheduled. He asked me to cash a check for him at Tom’s and then to stop by Kroger to buy some milk, sugar, and salt. Then he said I could take the three dollars he owed me out of the check and wanted me to go by Arby’s and get the four for $5 deal. “Drop one off to Tom, give me one, and you and Cherie have the other for lunch. “Fred, I haven’t taken you shopping in a while. Is there anything else you need? How about some more chicken soup?” I said. He said “Pick up a couple of cans but get the Campbells not the Kroger brand”. Then he asked if I could take the salt and sugar over to Barb. That was not a problem especially because I will go past there on the way to Wayne’s.

It’s 1:15. I’m not doing so well right now. When I went to Kroger I got that disorientation feeling I usually get. It wasn’t bad at all. With it I started to slow down. Right now I am running at about a 5. The limp is more pronounced and the pain level in my back is getting up there. I am tired and keep yawning.
I got all the stuff Fred wanted. Just finished putting the ingredients for the bean dish together. Will back it later. (That shows how I am doing. Should have said bake instead of back) I will leave soon to get Wayne.
Well I got Wayne here to the doctor’s. The waiting room was full and very warm. I made sure Wayne was going to see the doc and after visiting with the folks waiting I told Wayne I would wait out in the car. Everyone in the waiting room were senior citizens. They were all African American and I found it refreshing that they were all comfortable with me. One lady wondered if they would bring out chairs if someone else came in. That was another incentive for me to come out here to the car. That and the fact I could control the temperature and play the stereo.
I am doing much better now. These slow downs that come and go quickly are back more now that I stopped using the herbal medication. Too bad it cost so much. I had called Sharon and told her I would drop off the Paxil stuff when I picked up Wayne and forgot it in the minutes from hanging up the phone and going out the door. This stuff always frustrates me.
It took Wayne two hours to get done. When he made it out he said the doctor had mailed the paper work we had him fill out to Social Security. “Come on Wayne. I told you we need that to go with all the other stuff. It will get lost in the shuffle at Social Security. Lets go back up there and get the copies now”. Wayne said he would just call the doc and have them sent. After sitting out in the car for two hours my frustration level was getting high but I just let it go. I have been fighting to get this done going on three years now and no matter how many times I explain things Wayne doesn’t seem to get it. When we go into the hearing we have to have all our documentation with us and if we use the lawyer he will not go until he has it also. Just wanted to smack Wayne and wake him up.
Wayne wanted to go to the bank and get some cash but they were closed by the time we got there. I took Wayne home and headed for home. I have sharpened up by this time. The slow down was again short. As I drove home I was angry and had little patience for the idiots on the road. I stopped at the park to take some pictures of the light snow that was gently settling on everything. That helped. Now I had sharpened up enough that I no longer limped. I got some pictures and headed home.
See the deer?

Cherie had put the bean dish I had prepared in the oven. That was another thing that frustrated me. I had planned on having dinner done when she got home from work but wasn’t even home then. Seeing her when I got home really brighten me up as it always does and helped me put things in perspective.
It is 11:22 right now. I was exhausted when I got home and after eating had just curled up under the covers and dozed a little. Now I am wide awake and up finishing this while Cherie sleeps. I took some of the over the counter sleep stuff that Cherie has but doubt it will do anything.

This is our first wedding

11/30/05 Wednesday
This morning I am running at a six or seven on the Bob scale but am physically tired. Yesterday started out good but by 4:30 things took a turn for the worst. I am completing yesterdays entry at the moment. Last night I had a hard time remembering the day but as is often the case I remember it fine this morning. This is one of the quirks with my brain injury. Different parts of the brain handle the various types of memory. The immediate and short term areas are damaged as evidenced by my not remembering if I washed my hair while showering. To compensate for that I stick with a routine of starting at the top and working my way down.

I am real tired. Just lost a whole bunch of stuff I had just written. Kinda going down hill right now. Spent an hour trying to figure out how to recover what I lost with no luck. Headache coming and just want to go back to bed. The new landlords will be taking pictures of the apartments for insurance so I cleaned things up. Real frustrated right now. I hoped to hear from Larry but as usual he will disappoint me.
I just called Larry. As usual it did not go well. He remembered things the way he wanted to and changed everything we had agreed on. I got upset and he told me that he hasn’t called because that always happens. I said “What am I supposed to do Larry? Jump up for joy because you don’t do what you say? Is there anything you tell me that I can count on?” I told him I covered his ass with the state of Texas for forging Jessica’s signature on the truck. He got onto the coin collection so I reminded him it was Minnie Lee’s. Jessica had taken it to sell for her and just kept it. I told him again that Minnie Lee said she wanted me to have it. He just laughed when I let him know that her statement was in the two hours of recordings we made of her when we visited a year ago. I am done with this and will report him to the state for the forgery. I tried and tried but give up. He broke the law and there is no getting around it but I am sure he will paint me as the bad guy. Maybe when I settle down I will not report him. I don’t know.
Larry called back and apologized for hanging up on me. He said he had lost his job so didn’t have any money. He was in the middle of moving out of his house when I called and I could hear him talking to the guys moving things. I said “I thought you were buying that house” to which he replied “I am. Actually a friend bought it for me and I am just making the payments to him”. Beats me why he is moving out of the house he is buying and making payments on. He did say he had a new job.
He said that I had promised him I would pay him back for the money he spent helping me which he put at $3000.00. I asked him when I made that promise and he said it was while I was in St. Louise. “Larry, I wasn’t all there at the time. I went back and read the resume’s I had been sending out and it was pretty clear I wasn’t to rational. Hell I had a cover letter that started out with something like, I just woke up from a coma so I will make a good employee” (I got copies of all that stuff and now it is hilarious in a sad sort of way)
He said I didn’t appreciate all he had done for me. I told him I did and was grateful because he was the only family member who did anything for me. I reminded him that I had not been keen on his taking me and had told him I would be a big burden on him. Larry’s answer at the time was “That’s no problem, I’ve got plenty of money so you won’t have to worry about anything”. It seems to be his pattern to make big impressive promises that he can’t keep. The mouth is bigger than the ability. Larry told me he had no choice but to get me because they were going to put me in a homeless shelter where I would probably have been killed. “Larry, I’ve been through the homeless shelters and now know that the Salvation Army would have gotten me into the system and gotten me the medical help I needed” I told him. He said he did the best he could and I have to agree with that.
In the course of conversation we covered several areas of the St. Louis time. When I said that he had handed me a phone book and told me to find a job he reminded me that I was the one who was all gung ho to get a job. I stand corrected on that because I was trying real hard not to be a burden and to get back on my feet. I reminded Larry that once he had moved me to the Chippewa residence he did push me to get a job. Not that that was wrong. I just wasn’t capable of holding down a job and had been fired from all three jobs I had gotten once the employer could see I wasn’t all there.
I said something to him about him dumping me at the Chippewa residence to which he said “I didn’t dump you. You’re the one who talked to Gary about moving in there”. That also is true. “Larry, you would bitch every day about how much it cost you to keep me in that hotel. Come on, it was stupid to pay $125.00 a week to put me there so I was trying to do what I could to help with that” I let him know. It was good for me to hear his view of these things. There are always two sides to an issue and then the truth. Both of us saw the same things differently and knowing his side increases my understanding. I won’t tell the state of his theft. At least not now.
He did say he would send me what he had promised long ago and asked that I send him one of the proof coin sets as a memento of Rudy. I am more than happy to do that. I told him I would believe him about sending money as my share of Jessica’s estate when I got it because it is a promise he has made many times and not done. His lack of honesty is frustrating. I wish he would just say what he meant instead of telling me whatever he thinks I want to hear and then not doing what he says.

Now the rest of the day. At 2:00 I went down and picked up the food Fred had for Barb and the mail he always wants me to take to the post office at the first of the month. This is all his bills and he doesn’t trust it to be left in the open box for the outgoing mail of this apartment building.
I scheduled a time to take Wayne to this Nu Vision church so he could get some clothes for winter and planned to drop the stuff off at Barb’s on the way to get him. Barb was doing ok as far as I could tell. As I talked with her I was again aware of how simple she was. Kind of like a 12 hear old. The kittens were running all over the place as usual. She had a Christmas card for Fred and talked about the kittens paw print on it with her laugh. Again I wished I could get her out of her environment and into someplace safe without all the drugs and users but I can’t.
I got Wayne to the church and we met the pastor. He is not at all what one would expect but that was fine with me. I always would rather deal with someone who is real and not putting on airs. He had shaved head and multiple ear rings. Considering the church is in one of the highest crime, drug, and gang banger areas in town a suit wouldn’t get far.
The church is an old one built in the forties and was beautiful despite not having been maintained for years. I think it had been abandoned but don’t know for sure. There was a BIG old pipe organ that he said was still operational. The stained glass windows were perhaps 20 feet tall and intricate with pictures of Jesus and stuff.
The clothes were on the third floor and because Wayne can’t climb stairs I went up and picked out some clothes and brought them down for him to see. I had a nice talk with the pastor and think he has it together. They hold their services downstairs where there are half a dozen couches and a bunch of other easy chairs. He said that the main auditorium was just too big for the number of folks who come. When we got done I helped Wayne get up the eight steps to the door and we left. I took Wayne home and he thanked me again for all the help I have given him.
(Right now as I write this I am having trouble identifying which memories are today’s and which are yesterday. This is not unusual when it comes to recalling events the same day they happened.)
What I did after that I don’t know at the moment but will probably be able to recall it tomorrow. I got home and Cherie fixed dinner. I was and am tired.
I just called my son Bruce and was lucky enough to get him. He will be shipping out to Iraq Monday. I asked if there was anyway I could see him and he said it would be hard with all the preparation and ceremonies before they all ship out. I also asked how Adam was doing and he was rather vague. I explained that I have been trying to get in touch with Adam for quite some time now with no luck and asked Bruce if he could encourage Adam to call me. I sent Bruce an E mail with a picture and asked if I could get a picture of him and Adam. I also told him about the blogs. Not sure what he will think of them. I may be able to E mail Bruce overseas.
It is 10:00 now and I am tired. Cherie just got back from her parents house. She had been over there earlier and learned that her sister Cathy had been gluing her shoes together to keep them going. Cherie had bought a pair of boots for her for Christmas and was thinking of giving them early. “Cherie, take those boots to her right now. We are buying shoes and clothes for others but need to take care of family first”. She had pretty much already decided that but just wanted my support of her decision.
I am tired and done for the day. Good night you guys and God bless.

I will put this up on occasion. It is the philosophy I live by

11/29/05 Tuesday
This will be a busy day. I am sharp this morning which I am always grateful for. The first thing on my schedule is to take Fred’s car in for the clear coat he purchased with the car. After that I will take Wayne to buy some essentials and then to do his laundry. Then I will take him to the Nu Vision church which is distributing food and clothing to the poor.
Fred just asked me to pick up a hot dog for him when I come home after getting the car done. He said he only had $3.00 to his name (That would be what he had on him) and would pay what he could. I told him not to worry about it. He has had another bad day so I again encouraged him to see the doc. He said he was going to wait till it warmed up to which I retorted “Fred, winters coming. It won’t be getting warmer anytime soon”. In fact we just had a record high temperature yesterday. I know he just doesn’t want to see the doc, perhaps because of finances. When I looked at the schedule I saw that it will be hard for me to get his hot dog but I will. Probably will have to get Wayne to a laundry mat and then run for the hot dog. I hope I remember.
Last night I got upset. While going through the stuff that has been piling up on our dinning table I found a letter from the pain clinic at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. It was a reminder that I had an appointment on November 15. I missed the appointment and upon looking saw that it had never been entered in either of my calendars. This is not good. The last time I missed an appointment it took months to reschedule. I think that Cherie had opened the letter and either put it on the table for me to see or handed it to me. Odds are it was the latter and I was focused on some other task or got distracted before I could get it in the calendar.
At that point Cherie and I started going through the stuff on the table and I found more and more things I had forgotten to do. I feel bad because it shakes up Cherie when I get upset and as always she puts the blame on herself. I do depend on her to keep me on target but she is working hard and is often exhausted when she gets home. While she did not communicate this appointment effectively I have to be better about these things.
I reviewed with her how to help me get things done. Out of sight is out of mind for me so I explained that it works better if stuff I need to take care of is placed where I can’t miss it. I also asked her to make sure she put appointments in the calendar. With that done I apologized for getting upset.
I got Fred’s car done without any problems. After that I came home and got the shower curtain we bought for Wayne and some laundry soap for his wash. I called Wayne to let him know I was heading his way. He had been asleep so it was a good thing I did. When I got there he started to give me the same “I wish you wouldn’t keep buying stuff for me” that he hands out every time. I reminded him we have had this conversation many times so unless he wants to hear my speech again he better shut up. That worked to my relief. The things we get for him are simple necessities and really don’t cost that much. Besides Cherie is an expert at finding deals so the thirty dollar boots we bought for him only cost $9.99. He had been using an electric blanket in a pillow case for a pillow. When I found it out I told Cherie to keep an eye out for a deal on pillows and that only took one day to happen. Wayne would whine and complain about us helping him every time till it got so old I had to set him down. I think he is starting to understand that for us helping others such as himself is a pleasure for us. It has a reward that exceeds all the simple pleasures of life most spend their money on. While many would think of us as poor because we have little and keep the heat down to save money, I think we are wealthier than many. I don’t see wealth as having lots of money or possessions. There are many who are rich financially but are unhappy or consumed by their desire to always get more. For us wealth is measured by the satisfaction we get from helping, the self worth we have.
Anyway I got Wayne to the laundry mat nest to my apartment and then went across the street to get Fred his hotdogs. When I took them up to him he asked how much he owed me. I said don’t worry about it and he said he wanted to pay his own way. “Fred, you let me drive your Cadillac so let me buy you a hot dog” I told him. That was acceptable to him.
With that done I took Wayne and his laundry home. Then we headed for this New Vision church the Zeph Center had told him about. We drove around where it was supposed to be and had no luck finding it. I asked Wayne if he had the flyer so I could get the address and he said he had left it home so back we went. Getting the flyer and the signed form authorizing Wayne to receive this service we returned to Cherry Street and found the place. Unfortunately all the doors were locked and when I called the number on the flyer I got a recording. I left a message and getting back in the car took a closer look at form. It had “Salvation Army” on it so I suggested we go there. Wayne knew roughly where it was so after driving around a few blocks downtown we found it. Leaving Wayne in the car I found the office and they instructed me where in the building I needed to take Wayne. It was in the basement so after explaining he had to use a walker and couldn’t navigate stairs they unlocked a door so he could access the elevator. When we got downstairs there were about 20 others waiting. We were given a number and settled in to wait our turn. The heat was cranked up and after an hour I went outside to cool of. Unfortunately it was too much hassle to get Wayne upstairs and the heat has a tremendous affect on those with Multiple Sclerosis.
It took two hours for our number to be called and I could tell Wayne was being affected by the heat. I took him into the office and helped him fill out paperwork and carried the grocery bag of food out for him. If I had known that was all he would get I would have gladly taken him to the grocery store and bought it instead of sitting two hours in 90 degrees. As Wayne tried to get in the car his leg gave out and he fell. He tried to get up but couldn’t so I picked him up and helped him get in. Once he was seated he couldn’t even lift his leg to put it in the car so I did that for him.
When I took him home we went through the sack of food. There was a big bag of powdered milk and a box of cornflakes. He already had four bags of the milk and three boxes of corn flakes cause that is what all these agencies get to give so he asked if I would take them. I found that he only had three eggs left so went to the store to pick some up for him. On the way I called Barb to see if she wanted the milk and corn flakes only to learn she too had tons of both items. At the store (Which is in Swain Field, a depressed area in Toledo) I saw a young guy with a cart of groceries evidently waiting for his ride. “Hey! Could you use some powdered milk and corn flakes?” I asked. He looked at me wondering who this crazy white guy is and what is he up too. I told him I get free food for people and had this left over. “It’s new in the box If you don’t need it give it to someone who does” I said to ease his mind. He agreed to take it which is cool cause I don’t like to throw anything away someone could use.
With all that done I headed home, stopping at Kroger to get the groceries on the list Cherie had made. By this time it had been a long day and was about 4:30. As I shopped I started getting that disorientation I often do when surrounded by a myriad of things. It is hard for this brain to sort all this out and gets worse when I have had a long stressful day. Usually it is not bad and goes away when I take a breath and relax. Not this time. It became a struggle and affected everything including the partially paralyzed right leg. By the time I got to the check out I was hanging on to the cart and had to concentrate on what I was doing. I got that done and limped out to the car.
I had broken the belt clasp for my cell phone so went to Verizon to get another one. On the way I remembered I had told Fred I was going to get him some distilled water for his oxygen machine. Of course I didn’t think of it while at Kroger so stopped by Miejer to get it. That was a chore for me at this stage. Getting that done I went to get the belt clasp. Verizon was busy so I waited in line for probably twenty minutes which was fine as it helped me relax.
I was glad to get home. It was nearly 5:30 when I did. I carried the groceries up and when Cherie saw me she told me to go lay down. She fixed the beef stew recipe that was on the stew meat she got at K&J. I had bought cloves because it was in the recipe but they were whole cloves, not ground. I put them in the pepper mill to grind them and ground to much which wasn’t good for the stew. We ate it but didn’t save any.
We had laid down and were watching NCIS when the phone rang. It was Fred and he didn’t sound good. “Bob, I hate to call you but I’m not getting any oxygen from my machine. Could you come down and look at it?” I got dressed and went straight down. I traced his oxygen line from one end to another but found no kinks so I checked the machine. When Fred refilled the humidifier he had screwed the bottle on crooked which allowed the air to escape. I fixed it and talked with him a while. He told me he didn’t know whether to call me or the rescue squad and didn’t want to bother me. “Fred don’t ever hesitate to call me. I’m like State Farm, you know like a good neighbor I am here. You know I like to help you”. He said he would call and thanked me for coming down.

The Love of my life. She is as beautiful inside as she is outside

11/28/05 Monday
It is 2:00 in the morning. I have been awake for an hour and couldn’t get back to sleep. I couldn’t get my brother Larry out of my mind. I am still struggling with what I should do about him. I think I will send him an E-mail. He had told Aunt Virginia that now that he had a job he would pay me what we had agreed on concerning my mothers estate. He said that he would finally get me off his ass about it. That’s funny. (Not really). I guess I will add this to the list of lies he has told. It is getting long.
Larry has been a conundrum. He was the only family who helped me when I woke from my coma but even that was rough. I have to wonder what he has told my family about me but will probably never know. Regardless he stole from me, taking everything of value from my mothers estate when she died. He never told me she died until I confronted him an it. His excuse was that I was living under a bridge so he felt he couldn’t do anything for me. I am sure he has latched onto this story and will tell it to anyone to justify his actions. Fact is he knew where I was living and it wasn’t under a bridge. After much wrangling he agreed to pay me $1500 as my “Half” of the inheritance but never sent me a dime. I am torn by this. He is my brother and he did help me but he has lied and stolen from me. How should I handle this? I sent him an E mail. Probably should have waited till I was settled down but I didn’t.
This morning I am doing better. Yesterday was rough. I was slow all day, which hasn’t happened in a while, but the migraine was the ending of a bad day. It was one of those close the blinds and turn off the TV migraines. I took two of the migraine pills and that seemed to help a little. This morning I still have that light headed feeling and the strange thing is I am extremely hungry. It is unusual for me to feel hunger and this time it is like I have been starved. I guess that indicates that portion of the brain is active this morning.
Right now I am at Ed Schmidt Chevy to get Fred’s car looked at. Cherie had called me from work this morning and told me she had forgotten her phone and time cards. She asked me to bring them to her which I am more than glad to do. I called her as I was driving up so she could come out to get them. When she did I teased her by saying “You’ll do anything to get a kiss”. She laughed and kissed me and I gave her the stuff. I told her I love it when she laughs and that she is beautiful. “Have a good day honey. I’ll see you when you get home” I said and drove off to come to Ed Schmidt.
I need to take my seizure prescriptions to the VA clinic on Glendale to have them filled. I should have done that earlier but of course forgot. I only have enough to last another week and the refill slip says it take two weeks to get. I still have some of the smaller doses left so that should tide me over.
If I remember I will stop by Wayne’s to visit and pick up the vacuum cleaner we had given him. I felt bad about asking for it back and wouldn’t have if I didn’t find out he has another one sitting there. That little thing Cherie bought has a high pitched whine that hurts the ears and generally sucks but not in the way it’s supposed to. I had looked at the prices of vacuums at a store and was surprised at how much they cost. We tried cheap but you get what you pay for so will keep her old one running best we can.
As I waited in the lounge for them to get done with Fred’s Caddy I got into a conversation with a lady who was also waiting. It started when Dr. Phil came on the TV. I told her about how the show on schizophrenia, how it helped me understand a little what Dixie goes through. From there it went to my wreck, coma, memory loss, living on the street, and getting back with Cherie. As always when I talk about Cherie I get teary eyed. She asked me if I was a Christian or more specifically if Jesus is my Lord. I said yes though I am no longer sure about that stuff.
It was about 80 degrees in the lounge and the TV noise made it hard for me to think so I found an isolated chair in a corner of the showroom. I did remember that Fred had been talked into getting a protective coating for the front end of the Caddy that was added to the loan so I am inquiring when that can be done. The salesman is busy right now so I will wait to catch him. Hope I remember.
It is amazingly warm out side and the wind is whipping. I took off the flannel shirt to cool off. Don’t worry, I have a long sleeve T shirt on underneath so it’s not like I am stripping down and shocking others with my fat hairy belly. Gee, maybe I should take a picture of it so my readers can get disgusted. Nah, that wouldn’t work out to good. All two of the people who read this would abandon ship.
I am home now. It is 2:55. They found the problem an Fred’s car. It was a loose ground wire. When I caught up with the sales man he looked at me as if waiting for me to get upset again. He was relieved to learn I just needed to set up a time to get Fred’s car clear coated. He said the guy was going to call Fred so I let him know he had to call me cause I am the only one driving the car. He got a hold of the guy and we set up a time tomorrow morning to get it done.
I had forgotten about the prescription until I saw the pill bottle when I got the calendar out to write down the clear coat time. I had been planning to go straight to Wayne’s at that moment. That’s normal for me and I am good at compensating for the memory problem, putting things where I can see them and remember. I know some will think that short term memory loss means the memories don’t exist in my mind. That is absolutely not true. The memories are there, just my ability to access them is hampered.
Medical science recognizes three kinds of memory. There is immediate memory, short term memory, and long term memory. I was just reading in Scientific American about a study at the University of Leicester in England on how the brain’s memory works. They tested eight epileptics who had 64 tiny electrodes implanted in their brains before epilepsy surgery. These were used to pinpoint the source of their seizures. They would show the patients pictures of movie stars and found that specific neurons would fire for each individual shown. Seven different pictures of Halle Berry all triggered the same neuron. This is facial recognition which uses a particular part of the brain. Other memories use different areas of the brain. I can remember talking to someone, remember what was said, but if I saw the person the next day I would not recognize their face. This is one of the things that throws folks off. There have been several times that some had figured I would forget so they tried to take advantage of that. Doesn’t work that way. I forget little details such as faces and dates but remember things like what was said, especially if it bothered me. All my memories are there, just my ability to access them is hampered. I compensate for this by keeping this journal as I was taught to do at the Brain Injury Institute in St. Louis. It acts like a key, helping me unlock the memories.
I have been feeling strangely weak all day in addition to being hungry all day despite stopping at McDonalds for breakfast. I just whipped up some scrambled eggs and still feel hungry. Who knows what that means. Perhaps that part of the brain has rewired itself and is working better. We will see.
I had a revelation as I sat on the toilette. I have been feeling urpie since yesterday and as I was taking care of business I could hear my stomach groaning and bubbling like crazy. Last night the stomach was having me burp prodigiously and I had a mild diarrhea which has amplified itself today. The brain interprets signals from the body and thus we feel pain, pleasure, and fatigue. Because the part that tells me I am hungry does not work well I have to wonder if this brain is interpreting an upset stomach as hunger. Who knows. I just know that I can’t put too much stock in toilette revelations.
I went to Wayne’s and we talked for a while about things like housing and the Christmas party. I was getting tired so excused myself. Still tired and will probably take my afternoon nap. I was told this is a normal thing with TBI.
Checked my E mail hoping that Larry responded but there was nothing. I suppose he will continue to hope I will just go away and let him get away with ripping off his kin. Not likely.
Cherie came home tired and when she got out some stew meat to start cooking I said “Let’s go out and eat”. She said we couldn’t afford it so I told her we could go someplace not expensive. It took a bit but I talked her into going to Bob Evans. While we were eating there she looked at me and thanked me for doing this. We enjoyed each other’s company and came home. Cherie fell asleep in my arms and is still sleeping as I write. It is good to be in love. I told her earlier that I haven’t smiled and laughed this much in 25 years. (Since we married the first time) Neither has she. It is 7:30 now and I think I will end this entry and publish this.

112705 Sunday

11/27/05 Sunday
     I have been working for two or more hours on getting these pictures published on the blog. I finally figured out how to place them where I want in the text. Before they just showed up at the front or I would have to load them as separate entries, you know individual posts. I learned how to identify the HTML code that went with a picture and then to copy and paste it to the spot I wanted. It was hard and Cherie let me concentrate on this as any distraction would make me forget where and what I was doing. As you can see from the blog the pictures are a bit helter skelter but they are there. Later, as I practice and relearn this several times, it will stay and I will get better. I am proud I stuck with this and didn’t give up despite the frustration. I really would like to go to school and learn more of this stuff instead of figuring it out myself the hard way. Working on this slowed me down as stress always does.
     Yesterday I had a headache that wouldn’t quit despite the migraine meds. I called Allen to see if he survived Thanksgiving. He had been invited over to Steve’s and they gave him lots of leftovers. That was good because depression is always amplified during the holidays, especially when you are not with family. His family is in Maryland. Mine just doesn’t want to hear from me or talk with me so I know how lonely he must be. I will try to E mail my sister, who at least replied to two of my E mails. I told Cherie that I would like to at least send cards to my family whether they wanted them or not.  
     I am pretty slow right now. I have to wonder if me not taking that herbal stuff contributes to this. Don’t know. It is almost 1:00 and I went back to bed. I am typing this in slow motion. I hate these times.
     I took one of the migraine pills. Hope it works. Got the blinds closed and everything off so it is quiet. Frustrating to not be up and doing things. Cherie went shopping or something. She told me but I don’t remember. Battery is getting low so I must put this laptop on the charger.
     It is 4:55 now. I haven’t had a day this bad for a while. Brain function is slow and I am wandering around kind of lost, always having to remember what I was about to do. Cherie came home and whipped up a nice dinner. I may be fighting something off as the stomach has been unsettled. The headache is still there. Medication did little to stop it. I was going to write about something but can’t remember now.
     I am not motivated at all. Just want to go to sleep and wake up better.

112605 Saturday

11/26/05 Saturday     
     Cherie was up and out the door fairly early to do more of the shopping thing so I slept in. When she came back she was worn out and didn’t understand why. “You been going at it full tilt for two days, of course your tired.” I told her and suggested she take a break. While I watched the news I could hear her in the kitchen cooking. Soon after I could smell whatever it was and then Cherie came in and said “I cooked breakfast and your going to eat it.” in her “I’m being the stern mom” voice. She was working hard to suppress a giggle as she said it.
     Fact is I seldom eat breakfast anymore and often forget about lunch too. I don’t feel the sensation of hunger and just forget to eat. Dinner happens cause that is always a shared meal with us but if I was out and about I would forget. She knows this and tries to make sure I eat. We are so good for each other.
     It is 12:41 now and the clouds we had this morning are gone. Cherie and I were talking about what we will do with this day. I would like to go to the park and get some pictures of our first snow. It will warm up to about 37 degrees today and that will melt the snow plus I think it is supposed to rain tonight.
     Cherie just came home. I am not feeling real good. Kinda like my skin is hot and I can feel my brow knotting up. Maybe a headache coming.
     It’s a slow down. Haven’t had too many lately, at least not as often as before. I don’t know. Will have to go through this journal to see cause don’t remember. I was telling Cherie about not feeling too well and could hear the slow down in my voice. So could Cherie. I was going to go to the park to take pictures but don’t think I will for now.
     I ended up going to the park because I didn’t want to miss taking pictures of the first snow. It was as good a day as you could ask for. There was no wind and the temperature was just freezing. I was warm in my quilted flannel shirt and a light jacket. Cherie was in the middle of doing stuff so she asked if I would mind her not going to the park with me. Of course I don’t but she is always too careful about making sure she is doing what I want. I keep telling her not to do that. I say “Cherie, you’ve got to quit submitting your will like that. Tell me what you want to do instead of asking me what I want you to do.” She is getting better at asserting herself but it is hard for her to overcome a lifetime of abuse.
     When I got to the park it was beautiful and as I walked admiring nature it wasn’t the same without Cherie to share it with. I called her and said I would take pictures of all our favorite places.  I took tons of pictures some of which I will share.



This one I call “Ripples”






You can barely see the two ducks in the middle. Click on the pictures and they will get big.






You can see the ice forming on this gently moving section of Swan Creek.



This is the last picture. I don’t have a clue what kind of tree this is but I was struck by how the bright red berries stood out in contrast to the browns and grays of winter.
     It is now Sunday as I work on putting this together. All the snow is now gone, washed away by the rain and rising temperature. It won’t be long and the snow will be staying and the rivers will freeze up. I will try to put this on the blog but suspect I will have problems getting the pictures to load correctly. It is a constant struggle for me to figure this stuff out, when I learn how to do something I quickly forget. Anyway, enough of my whining.

here's Wayne. Took a bit to get him here

 
 

My brother Larry

 

Here is my brothers usual smile.
 

Mama Weenie

 

This is her good side. 

pictures

This is Fred on his birthday. The other picture is my grandmother who will be one hundred years old in February. I have other pictures but as always must relearn how to post them. just these two took about an hour to post.

11/25/05 Friday
It is 9:00 in the morning. Cherie has been long gone doing the early morning Black Friday shopping thing. I was going to stay in bed till Fred called. He is still sick and on a liquid diet and asked me to get him some chicken noodle soup. He said he would leave five bucks on the kitchen table and to just walk in and get it. Right now I have the Caddy warming up now that I figured out I could lock it with it running and still be able to get back in with the valet key. It’s got a security system and stuff I am not sure about. It does me little good to read the manual cause I forget it anyway.

Right now I am at Eileen’s. It is 11:11 right now. Anyway I finally made it. Been wanting to make down here for a while.
I need to fix the blog to make it easier to comment. Also E mail Weenie so she can get my address.

It is now 7:35 PM. Cherie had a wonderful day shopping. For her this is an activity that puts a bounce in her step. She came home just ecstatic with the deals she found. She always feels guilty when she does something she likes and starts out conversations with “I hope you don’t mind”. I told her that anything that makes her this happy is not only just fine with me but I encourage it. We are so in love.
Eileen had some good points for me. I was showing her all the pictures on this laptop and they include some of the characters I write about. She said it was good to put a face to the names. She also scolded me for not keeping up with my entries. “Come on Bob, what am I going to read tonight. I get a lot of entertainment from the blog” she said. Well Mama Weenie (Eileen’s nickname) here it is, incomplete as usual. I do fine till the end of the day, which for me is around 5:00 or 6:00. I will put a bunch of pictures on this time including the one that shows your “Good side”.

11/24/05 Thursday
Happy thanksgiving all. This is a brisk morning with just a few puffy clouds floating on the blue sky. There is a good three inches of snow on the ground though it has pretty much melted on the pavements. It was 24 degrees when we got up but will be getting steadily colder, down to 16 or so. I am not too speedy this morning but not bad. About a 7.
We never did get the stove fixed. The guy came by and looked at it. He didn’t have the part with him so he said he would go back to the shop to get it. A little later I get a call to set up a time Friday or so to have the stove fixed. I told the lady that this sure blows the hell out of baking for Thanksgiving. “We’ll be there between 1:00 and 3:00.” She cheerily said. “Whoopee” was my response.
I fixed a big breakfast starting with cinnamon rolls I baked in the toaster oven. I followed that with scrambled eggs, bacon, and potatoes cut into little squares and fried. I am sure there is a name for potatoes cooked or cut like that but I don’t know what that is. I used to but that is one of the anomalies of this tbi. When I woke up from the coma I could remember my home phone number but not my address.
It is 12:00 now and we are getting ready to go over to the in-laws at 1:00 or so. We went to Sam’s Club and bought a pecan pie. It was huge and cost something like $8.50. I hope it is as good as it looks. Cherie is trying to do something with sweet potatoes on the stove top as the oven is not an option.
I called Fred to see how he was doing. He said he had a rough night and that he had called Cathy next door so she could help him breath. I asked if the humidifier I put on his oxygen helped and he said it did. (That was one of the things I did yesterday which of course didn’t get recorded in this journal) Fred said I could use his Caddy to go over to Cherie’s parents for Thanksgiving. I will go warm it up in about twenty minutes.

112305 Wednesday

11/23/05 Wednesday
     As you can see I did not finish the journal entries for two days and most of yesterdays entry was my recollection of Monday. This is one of those paradoxes with my memory loss. I can go downstairs, get in the car, and drive away but when I get to the corner I no longer remember where I am going so I just turn right and try to remember as I drive. I always figure it out but it is a moment of disorientation that is regular. I have a hard time with an hour ago but can sometimes remember yesterday clearly. This really throws folks of and some think I am faking or using memory loss as an excuse for something
     It is 8:21 this morning. I am scheduled to take Barb to the Trilby church for food and then Fred asked me to take her to cash in cans so she could have some money for Thanks giving. Fred was apologetic when he asked that knowing I did not like doing it. I don’t have a problem with that but now we are supposed to get one to three inches of snow starting at 10:00. I may not want to go out at all. Fred’s tires are not the kind that are good on snow and his anti lock brakes and traction control are acting up. We’ll see how it plays out.
     I need to get up and cleaned up for the day. Really don’t want to get out from under the covers. We haven’t turned the heat on this winter except one time. Here it is 22 degrees out, but it’s not too bad in here, at least not to me. I would guess 55 to 60 degrees. The girl downstairs is from New Mexico so I am sure she has her heat cranked up and some of that bleeds up here. This works out well as I don’t feel the cold as much as most because of the injury and when Cherie has her hot flashes she loves the cold. And we save money too.
     Our stove burned out yesterday. Cherie was baking a bean dish and was preparing to make banana bread when we heard the stove loudly ZaaP. I opened it up and saw that the red hot element had broken and kind of welded itself. Anyway we don’t have a stove for Thanksgiving. I was supposed to bake a pie and Cherie was going to make the sweet potato dish for diabetics we discovered for Wayne. I will call Gerdinic Realty (Our landlord) but have little hope it will get fixed today.
     I took Barb to the Trilby Church and then to cash in her cans. I asked her where the usual crowd was. She said Dawn wasn’t up yet and Dixie didn’t want to go anywhere. I asked Barb how Dixie was doing and she told me “Dixie’s being weird”. After watching Dr. Phil’s show on Schizophrenia I have a better understanding of what Dixie is going through.