9/30/05 Friday
Oh well. I never got to work on the website. Can’t remember what I did but that’s ok. I am up and the brain is operating real good, about an 8. Love it and hope it continues all day. Sharon called at about 6:45 to say she wouldn’t be able to do laundry as scheduled this morning because she did not have the right sleeping pills from the pharmacy or something like that. Regardless she did not sleep all night so that was it. If Barb is still sick like she told Fred yesterday she may cancel as well. This would be great timing if my brain continues to operate at this level because I will get much done.
I met with Jeff for our Friday morning breakfast. I told him how sharp the brain was, that I was operating at an 8 or 9 on the Bob scale. I told him I call these moments “Prime time” and never knew how long they would last. It was noticeable to him and we had a good conversation about things I no longer remember. He did bring me the book they are using at the home group to study the parables of Jesus. I promised to return it by Monday along with a paper on the parable they will hit next week. It is my way of trying to help those who had rejected me, of still participating, only doing it anonymously. Probably stupid and wouldn’t be appreciated but I try to be right and act in a way I won’t be ashamed of. I don’t care what others think of me just live a life that follows my philosophy.
I took Barb, Dee, and Dawn to the Pilgrim church for the food hand out. Getting there early worked well cause they filled the trunk and were able to get meat along with canned and dry goods. I need to get Wayne registered here cause it would help him a lot. He only gets $150 in food stamps a month and $115 in cash. That’s pretty slim, especially when they take out $25 of it for rent. He is a perfect example of who these programs were designed for but there are many taking advantage of it who are not doing bad at all.
After taking Barb and gang home I went over to Wayne’s to take him to a laundry mat. We found one next to where I take him for haircuts and we discovered that the barber had closed the business because she broke her wrist. I did some shopping while Wayne did his laundry and then took him home. I was starting to feel tired so declined his offer to stay and visit.
It is 1:00. I just got home. Did well till now. These things can come in quick. It was an instant headache with the kind of dizziness that is hard for me to describe. My head feels full, kind of pressurized. Spell check has corrected four misspellings in just these three lines. Make that four. I think I will take my seizure pill early now along with aspirin and tramadol. Was hoping to get some writing done. Maybe later. It is frustrating to have used my prime time driving others around. Will lay down now.
I think I know why this one was so bad. When I went to get my second pill I saw that I didn’t take the first one. I know I have partial seizures all the time, sometimes several in a day and sometimes none. This tells me that the pills do much to help control them, perhaps more than I thought. Right now it is like I have been drinking. Not good. Ears ringing. Definitely lay down time. Hope the pill takes effect soon. These are the times I don’t drive.
It is now 1:00 in the morning. I just woke up and decided to finish this entry, partly because it has been an unusual day and also to record it for the doctors. I seldom forget times like this but one of the reasons I keep a journal is to document events related to the brain injury.
I had laid down till around 3:30 when I forced myself to get up. I had wanted to fix a nice dinner for Cherie and needed to buy some ingredients for the Ozark pudding I had planned to make to use the apples that were getting old. One of the new shows on TV I find fascinating because of the role reversals it portrays. The name of the show escapes me now but it is the one about the woman becoming president. Her husband is now taking the role of “First Lady” and it is absolutely a riot as the Whitehouse aid who is showing him his duties repeatedly calls him that.
Because of my disability I now am the house husband. While some I know on the East side had kind of made fun, making veiled comments on the femininity of me keeping house, I find no shame in this. Not only am I grateful just to have a place to live but I am grateful for life period, no matter what form it takes. I love Cherie intensely and get great pleasure out of doing things for her like fixing a nice dinner, knowing that after a hard day of work it will bring a smile to her face.
I went to Meijer’s to get what I needed. When I got there and started walking through the isles I realized I probably should have stayed home. The right side is always affected when I have these events and that was especially true today. Walking was tough and most people just flew past me as I shuffled along hanging on to the cart. The right arm began to get real tired as if I was carrying a weight though all I was doing was pushing a shopping cart. Getting the ingredients I needed I pushed to get out.
The guy at the check out asked the standard question “How are you doing today?” I usually say something positive like “I woke up so that’s all I need for a good day”. This time I just said I was having a rough time. “I’m sorry” he dutifully said so I explained the paralysis and my belief that I am doing real good, all things considered. We talked as he checked out the items I was purchasing so I filled him in on how I had been in the coma and also how Cherie and I had met after 20 years and just remarried last year. I am sure I talk about this too much but I don’t care. It seems to bless those who hear it.
As I was getting into the car Ahmed called and asked if I could give him a ride home. It was good timing from the standpoint I was already out and about in the car. I had told him to do this after he was told he couldn’t park his semi at the apartment and he couldn’t find a place for it nearby. He was at the truck stop at the turnpike and 280. He was grateful for the ride and I let him pay me. He told me about lots of the problems he encounters as a long haul truck driver and how companies such as truck repair take advantage of those on the road.
When we got home I gave him the bag of what I had thought were dates and he laughed. They weren’t dates at all, they were dried figs. No wonder I didn’t like them. Being Lebanese Ahmed was well acquainted with dates and had two varieties with him that he let me try. This is what I had remembered dates were and had presumed when I didn’t recognize what Wayne had given me, telling me it was dates, that my memory was faulty from the injury. It was nice to know I had remembered correctly.
Still not feeling well I pushed through to fix the Thai food I had gotten ingredients for and the Ozark pudding. It turned out surprisingly well and we ate it on the bed as we watched the news. These events take a lot out of me so I asked Cherie to clean up and crawled under the covers and went to sleep. Right now the headache is still there and I have a slight nose bleed which I attribute to all the aspirin I took for the headache. I am tired but wanted to get this entry published in case anyone out there reads the blog.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
92905 Thursday
9/29/05 Thursday
It is 5:30 in the morning. I woke up after a strange and disturbing dream. I was in Hearne Texas where my grandmother on my dad’s side was from. There was an election going on and dad was one of those running for office. Carty Finkbiener, the mayoral candidate in Toledo was also running in this election. There was a debate between the candidates at the town hall. I watched my father from across the room as he sat there hoping he would look up and notice I was there supporting him. I had tried to cash a check at a bank machine to donate to his campaign but the machine wouldn’t work right.
The moderator of the debate went with his microphone to where dad was sitting and asked him how he was going to use the contributions to his political debate. Dad answered with the unhappy and angry look on his face that had been there the whole time. “I’m going to spend it on my house and me” he said matter of factly. This was the end of the meeting and Carty smiled as his election was now insured by dad’s misuse of donated funds. Dad walked out of the meeting and I hoped he would look at me but he purposely averted his gaze.
At this point I decided to talk to my dad’s opponent and throw my support to him. When I got there I asked if he knew my mother. He said Lisa had just been talking about her so I asked to see Lisa as I wanted to learn about my mother. It was said that my dad was mean, violent, and had thrown my mother out the window. This Lisa was wheeled up and she was a jack in the box head on a child’s red plastic wagon. I tried to talk to it but there was no response.
Someone handed me a manilla envelope that contained mementos that had belonged to my mom. Everyone grew respectful as I began to go through the contents and cried. The check I tried to write for dad’s campaign came back with a mark that said the machine was unable to process it because of errors.
Then my two boys were there and some crazy skinny girl was babbling about setting fires and tried to light my youngest son, Adams sweater on fire. I got Bruce and Adam out of there and we went to the railroad yards where we decided we needed to go to the other side of the tracks. I was telling them we had to be careful and watch for oncoming trains. Just as we would start across a train would roar by.
I notice Adam is no longer with us so with a feeling of trepidation I begin searching for him. I catch a glimpse of him with the crazy pyro girl who had him captured. I run into the tall wooden tower to rescue him desperately running from room to room. I see every room is drenched with a white flammable substance placed there to create a roaring inferno. When I find Adam, Pyro girl is tying him up with phone cords and runs away. I frantically work to free Adam from all the cords that tied him and finally get the last of it by ripping them from the ceiling. Then I woke up.
Lots of people look for all kinds of meanings in dreams. I know that they are the drifting fragments of what has been on your mind and my thoughts have been on my dad and the boys for some time now. I tried calling Adam, leaving messages on the phone but he never called back. I saw him walking down Lewis Avenue when I was working on Dave’s van and waved, hoping he would come over and visit. He didn’t. I talked to Cherie about having them over for dinner but haven’t followed through. Bruce was busy with his house closing when I talked to him last so asked I give him a few weeks.
Yesterday Sharon called as we were driving to the Wednesday Bible study we attend. She was crying and in a panic because she thought her cat had eaten one of her Zoloft pills. It took some time for me to calm her down and assure her that there was little likely hood that Mitchell would die. We called her a few times to check on her and she seems to have settled down.
At the Bible study I couldn’t help but jump in and expound on my view of the verses they were studying. Afterwards I asked Cherie if I talked too much. It took her a while to answer which tells me I probably did. When we got home Fred was waiting for us to talk about the letter we all got informing us the building was sold to Gerdenich Realty. As I tried to respond to Fred Cherie kept talking over me and I finally got frustrated and said “shut up”. This was wrong especially as one of the other residents was waling by. I feel bad about it and can see the impact it had on her still this morning.
This morning I am not feeling to enthusiastic about anything. Last night on the news Denny Schaefer was on and put in a plug for Mission Toledo saying that they were feeding 165 people in their kitchen. This brings up all the feelings I have and reminds me of how I never completed the research I did on Jim Watson’s history of lying and scamming under the guise of being a noble Christian. I feel guilty for not revealing his deception and using this as a means of income at the expense of those he is to help. I sit here upset at myself and feel kind of useless or something. I can’t think of a word to describe it right now. Kind of slow. Should take my pill and fix something to eat. Just remembered I turned the iron on and forgot it.
I tried calling Sharon but her phone was busy. She called as I was cooking dinner and told me her cat was ok. She had stayed up with it till three in the morning, playing with it. As she talked and talked I had to cut her off and let her know I was in the middle of cooking. After that I called Gerdinich, the new owners of our building to check on our rent check we had already mailed to the previous owners. We were assured there would be no problem so I called Fred to ease his mind. I will print up Gerdinich’s new address in big letters for Fred so he can see it. It wouldn’t hurt to print up mailing labels for him and us. Should look into how to do that.
The back pain is back from sitting at this chair. I need to check into some kind of support for this cause I would like to do lots of writing. Today I am scheduled to take Wayne to the lawyer we found who does Social Security work. Yesterday I was sharp all day and I hope I speed up by the time I pick up Wayne. I’m running at about a 6 on the Bob scale right now. One of the things I worry about is the perception others may get about this. Even though I may be slow it does not mean I become stupid. I always am able to make intelligent decisions and do not become a babbling idiot with psychotic mental instability. It just takes me longer to process information and the part of my brain that took over operating my right side has difficulty doing so resulting in my limp becoming worse. Sometimes it effects my equilibrium so I have to be careful not to trip or fall.
It is 4:11 now. I just got home and am exhausted. The lawyer thing was rough. I was not prepared and tried to negotiate him down from his 25%. He was not keen on it but at least I have a better understanding of what is needed. Right now I have quite a headache and am tired. Wish I could take the herbal medication that works so well but that’s the way it is. I will take a pain pill and aspirin and lay down.
Cherie called while I was coming home and has a chance to work late. She also can work Saturday. I’ll write in this later, to tired now and the cat is bugging me for attention.
I started watching the news and just conked out. Woke up and missed an hour or more. Cherie and I went for a walk at the park and again saw deer. It is getting cool out, nice and brisk. Cherie wanted me to wear long sleeves but because of the changes from the TBI I am not affected by the cold as much as most but heat is hard on me.
I have lots of work to do for Wayne. The lawyer is a survivor of TBI and was banged up worse than I was though he was only in a coma one week. I am impressed at what he did despite his injuries. He became a lawyer after the accident because of his treatment in court as he sued the truck company that smashed into him.
I sent out notices of the blog to most of the people I have addresses for. It will be interesting to see if there is any response. I really don’t expect much cause this journal has to be boring as all get out. I suppose if I would just give short little statements it would be better than all this writing. Most folks have no interest in spending lots of time reading things other than a good novel that keeps their attention. Time to work on the website before the back pain gets to bad.
It is 5:30 in the morning. I woke up after a strange and disturbing dream. I was in Hearne Texas where my grandmother on my dad’s side was from. There was an election going on and dad was one of those running for office. Carty Finkbiener, the mayoral candidate in Toledo was also running in this election. There was a debate between the candidates at the town hall. I watched my father from across the room as he sat there hoping he would look up and notice I was there supporting him. I had tried to cash a check at a bank machine to donate to his campaign but the machine wouldn’t work right.
The moderator of the debate went with his microphone to where dad was sitting and asked him how he was going to use the contributions to his political debate. Dad answered with the unhappy and angry look on his face that had been there the whole time. “I’m going to spend it on my house and me” he said matter of factly. This was the end of the meeting and Carty smiled as his election was now insured by dad’s misuse of donated funds. Dad walked out of the meeting and I hoped he would look at me but he purposely averted his gaze.
At this point I decided to talk to my dad’s opponent and throw my support to him. When I got there I asked if he knew my mother. He said Lisa had just been talking about her so I asked to see Lisa as I wanted to learn about my mother. It was said that my dad was mean, violent, and had thrown my mother out the window. This Lisa was wheeled up and she was a jack in the box head on a child’s red plastic wagon. I tried to talk to it but there was no response.
Someone handed me a manilla envelope that contained mementos that had belonged to my mom. Everyone grew respectful as I began to go through the contents and cried. The check I tried to write for dad’s campaign came back with a mark that said the machine was unable to process it because of errors.
Then my two boys were there and some crazy skinny girl was babbling about setting fires and tried to light my youngest son, Adams sweater on fire. I got Bruce and Adam out of there and we went to the railroad yards where we decided we needed to go to the other side of the tracks. I was telling them we had to be careful and watch for oncoming trains. Just as we would start across a train would roar by.
I notice Adam is no longer with us so with a feeling of trepidation I begin searching for him. I catch a glimpse of him with the crazy pyro girl who had him captured. I run into the tall wooden tower to rescue him desperately running from room to room. I see every room is drenched with a white flammable substance placed there to create a roaring inferno. When I find Adam, Pyro girl is tying him up with phone cords and runs away. I frantically work to free Adam from all the cords that tied him and finally get the last of it by ripping them from the ceiling. Then I woke up.
Lots of people look for all kinds of meanings in dreams. I know that they are the drifting fragments of what has been on your mind and my thoughts have been on my dad and the boys for some time now. I tried calling Adam, leaving messages on the phone but he never called back. I saw him walking down Lewis Avenue when I was working on Dave’s van and waved, hoping he would come over and visit. He didn’t. I talked to Cherie about having them over for dinner but haven’t followed through. Bruce was busy with his house closing when I talked to him last so asked I give him a few weeks.
Yesterday Sharon called as we were driving to the Wednesday Bible study we attend. She was crying and in a panic because she thought her cat had eaten one of her Zoloft pills. It took some time for me to calm her down and assure her that there was little likely hood that Mitchell would die. We called her a few times to check on her and she seems to have settled down.
At the Bible study I couldn’t help but jump in and expound on my view of the verses they were studying. Afterwards I asked Cherie if I talked too much. It took her a while to answer which tells me I probably did. When we got home Fred was waiting for us to talk about the letter we all got informing us the building was sold to Gerdenich Realty. As I tried to respond to Fred Cherie kept talking over me and I finally got frustrated and said “shut up”. This was wrong especially as one of the other residents was waling by. I feel bad about it and can see the impact it had on her still this morning.
This morning I am not feeling to enthusiastic about anything. Last night on the news Denny Schaefer was on and put in a plug for Mission Toledo saying that they were feeding 165 people in their kitchen. This brings up all the feelings I have and reminds me of how I never completed the research I did on Jim Watson’s history of lying and scamming under the guise of being a noble Christian. I feel guilty for not revealing his deception and using this as a means of income at the expense of those he is to help. I sit here upset at myself and feel kind of useless or something. I can’t think of a word to describe it right now. Kind of slow. Should take my pill and fix something to eat. Just remembered I turned the iron on and forgot it.
I tried calling Sharon but her phone was busy. She called as I was cooking dinner and told me her cat was ok. She had stayed up with it till three in the morning, playing with it. As she talked and talked I had to cut her off and let her know I was in the middle of cooking. After that I called Gerdinich, the new owners of our building to check on our rent check we had already mailed to the previous owners. We were assured there would be no problem so I called Fred to ease his mind. I will print up Gerdinich’s new address in big letters for Fred so he can see it. It wouldn’t hurt to print up mailing labels for him and us. Should look into how to do that.
The back pain is back from sitting at this chair. I need to check into some kind of support for this cause I would like to do lots of writing. Today I am scheduled to take Wayne to the lawyer we found who does Social Security work. Yesterday I was sharp all day and I hope I speed up by the time I pick up Wayne. I’m running at about a 6 on the Bob scale right now. One of the things I worry about is the perception others may get about this. Even though I may be slow it does not mean I become stupid. I always am able to make intelligent decisions and do not become a babbling idiot with psychotic mental instability. It just takes me longer to process information and the part of my brain that took over operating my right side has difficulty doing so resulting in my limp becoming worse. Sometimes it effects my equilibrium so I have to be careful not to trip or fall.
It is 4:11 now. I just got home and am exhausted. The lawyer thing was rough. I was not prepared and tried to negotiate him down from his 25%. He was not keen on it but at least I have a better understanding of what is needed. Right now I have quite a headache and am tired. Wish I could take the herbal medication that works so well but that’s the way it is. I will take a pain pill and aspirin and lay down.
Cherie called while I was coming home and has a chance to work late. She also can work Saturday. I’ll write in this later, to tired now and the cat is bugging me for attention.
I started watching the news and just conked out. Woke up and missed an hour or more. Cherie and I went for a walk at the park and again saw deer. It is getting cool out, nice and brisk. Cherie wanted me to wear long sleeves but because of the changes from the TBI I am not affected by the cold as much as most but heat is hard on me.
I have lots of work to do for Wayne. The lawyer is a survivor of TBI and was banged up worse than I was though he was only in a coma one week. I am impressed at what he did despite his injuries. He became a lawyer after the accident because of his treatment in court as he sued the truck company that smashed into him.
I sent out notices of the blog to most of the people I have addresses for. It will be interesting to see if there is any response. I really don’t expect much cause this journal has to be boring as all get out. I suppose if I would just give short little statements it would be better than all this writing. Most folks have no interest in spending lots of time reading things other than a good novel that keeps their attention. Time to work on the website before the back pain gets to bad.
92805 Wednesday
9/28/05 Wednesday
This will be a long day. I have much scheduled to do. It starts with me driving Sharon to several places that I think may include her doctor for the Paxil withdrawals. Then I will take Wayne to put in an application at Swan Cove for an apartment there. It is a facility that is geared for those with disabilities and accepts section 8. Jill said the MS Society may foot the down payment. The next thing on the schedule is to get Barb to her doctor regarding her allergic reaction or whatever is causing the swelling in her face and neck. I am sure that by then I will be pretty tired. I need to get moving because I need to be out the door in 45 minutes.
I got a lot done so far. Just made some changes on the blog. Have been sharp all day. It helps when I keep moving and having to interact with others. I got Sharon to the bank, dollar store, home depot, and Kroger’s. We talked and she is fighting depression and her doctor will transition her from Paxil to Zoloft watching her carefully for drug interaction.
I need to eat and take my second pill. Got that ears ringing thing going so must be careful. I drank a glass of milk with the pill for lunch. That seemed to help. I picked up some stuff from Fred for Barb and left to get her to the doctor. We are there now and she is telling me about the six cats she has. She seems to be doing better, at least the swelling is going down.
I took Barb to the Pharm where she got cat food. She had told Fred that the reason I didn’t want to take her to the Trilby church was because I didn’t want to spend the money on gas. I told her “Barb, listen to me carefully. I’m going to tell you the same thing I told you before and what I told Fred. You have to learn to be responsible with your money and your food. You need to make Basil pay for his share.” Either she didn’t get it or was still trying to manipulate because when I got home Fred was waiting and insisted I fill the tank with his credit card. I told him it was my turn to buy gas and I wanted to keep to our agreement the way it was to avoid further trouble. He insisted telling me Barb had said I wouldn’t take her because of the gas. I repeated my explanation that he needed to force Barb to be responsible. He was happy that I had already agreed to take Barb to the church so I let him know it was only because I was going to be down that way anyway to take Sharon to do laundry.
This will be a long day. I have much scheduled to do. It starts with me driving Sharon to several places that I think may include her doctor for the Paxil withdrawals. Then I will take Wayne to put in an application at Swan Cove for an apartment there. It is a facility that is geared for those with disabilities and accepts section 8. Jill said the MS Society may foot the down payment. The next thing on the schedule is to get Barb to her doctor regarding her allergic reaction or whatever is causing the swelling in her face and neck. I am sure that by then I will be pretty tired. I need to get moving because I need to be out the door in 45 minutes.
I got a lot done so far. Just made some changes on the blog. Have been sharp all day. It helps when I keep moving and having to interact with others. I got Sharon to the bank, dollar store, home depot, and Kroger’s. We talked and she is fighting depression and her doctor will transition her from Paxil to Zoloft watching her carefully for drug interaction.
I need to eat and take my second pill. Got that ears ringing thing going so must be careful. I drank a glass of milk with the pill for lunch. That seemed to help. I picked up some stuff from Fred for Barb and left to get her to the doctor. We are there now and she is telling me about the six cats she has. She seems to be doing better, at least the swelling is going down.
I took Barb to the Pharm where she got cat food. She had told Fred that the reason I didn’t want to take her to the Trilby church was because I didn’t want to spend the money on gas. I told her “Barb, listen to me carefully. I’m going to tell you the same thing I told you before and what I told Fred. You have to learn to be responsible with your money and your food. You need to make Basil pay for his share.” Either she didn’t get it or was still trying to manipulate because when I got home Fred was waiting and insisted I fill the tank with his credit card. I told him it was my turn to buy gas and I wanted to keep to our agreement the way it was to avoid further trouble. He insisted telling me Barb had said I wouldn’t take her because of the gas. I repeated my explanation that he needed to force Barb to be responsible. He was happy that I had already agreed to take Barb to the church so I let him know it was only because I was going to be down that way anyway to take Sharon to do laundry.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
92705 Tuesday
9/27/05 Tuesday
A rough start for the day. Cherie was doing her morning chicken with her head cut off, I’m late, panic mode as she rushed to take care of all the tasks she waits till the last minute to do. She had decided to pay the $30 late fee for rent that we had talked about and I had told her not to. She probably forgot that and didn’t remember I had taken Fred over to the office to complain when they sent him a list of late fees and they had forgiven the fee. He has always sent his check on time because I am the one who mailed it for him. The fact that we were not notified till over six months after the alleged late payment had upset me so I had gone to the office myself to complain. It was explained to me that the new girl was just catching up on stuff that hadn’t been done. I also am sure they had changed who received and processed the checks because of a continuing problem with who they had been using. I need to write a letter to them about this to resolve the issue. I will refuse to pay it regardless.
Presuming the check Cherie had asked me to walk over to the office was for rent I let Cherie know that we had been told not to take them to the office. When she said the letter that was with the check stated to take it to the office. With that I opened the envelop and saw it was the $30 late fee. Frustrated I told Cherie we had already talked about this and she started waving her arms as her voice raised an octave expressing her confusion and irritation that I could not perform the simple task of delivering a check. This as I was going to kiss her goodbye to send her off to work. “Fine, GO TO WORK” I said as I got angry. I saw the surprise and hurt in her face and feel bad about it now but being angry I went to the bedroom and she went to work without her kiss. I am not happy with myself and will make it up to her but she needs to get her morning better organized. Instead of concentrating on getting ready for work she runs around trying to do things that come to her mind as it searches for what might go wrong or what she neglected to take care of.
I finally figured out how to write to the CD. It took a while and come to find out that the record function had simply been turned off. It has taken me weeks to figure this out. And then it took me an hour how learn how to record the journal. Every time I explore this computer I find more things it can do. Then I forget them and have to learn all over again unless it is a function I can repeat often enough to remember.
It is a beautiful day out. Sunny and will only go up to seventy degrees or so. I have nothing scheduled but that can always change. Because the humidity is low it will be a good day for Fred to get out. As much as I would like to stay in and work on the website I will call him and suggest he get out.
I dialed his number and got a busy signal. As soon as I hung up it rang and it was Fred. I will take him out shopping at 10:30 so better fix breakfast and get ready. My brain is sharp this morning and with the grace of God will stay that way. I think I will make oatmeal.
Got Fred out. Took him to the Dollar Tree where he got batteries, then the post office, Dollar General, and the Pharm. At Dollar General the isles were tight and poorly maintained. I was reminded of how good it was Fred didn’t drive as he ran into everything including one person and knocked items off shelves and racks everywhere he went.
We got home just as Cherie arrived for lunch from work. We had already E mailed each other about the spat this morning so that was settled. I told Cherie that all couples will have fights but the key was what we do afterwards. We settled it and leave it behind. Cherie checked the letter I was writing to MD properties and laughed when she reached the part where I told them they could kiss my ass. I told her I just put it in for a laugh and did not intend to keep it in the letter. She asked me to cook dinner which is something I have been trying to get her to do.
I am a little tired but it is early, only 12:30. This chair is hard on my back and the pain is rising. Maybe I should lay down for just a few minutes. I rested for just an hour but it helped. I looked up recipes using dates to use up the two bags Wayne had given me. Found something that looks good so I will give it a try. As I put on some Simon and Garfunkel I have this thought. Cherie and I are lonely in a way. We are very content to just live with each other and have very little outside contact. The social attempts we had made in the past left us feeling like we were outsiders who did not belong. Cherie has only her dysfunctional family and my family is not there. There are some acquaintances we interact with such as the few I help and those Cherie sees at work. I do meet once a week with Jeff and that is as close as it gets. The old friends I seldom see. Eileen is a good close friend but her health is failing. I need to go see her more often. Enough of this crap. I need to get busy cooking date bars and getting this website put together. Through it I may be able to reach out to the world and find some we can relate with.
Aunt Virginia called while I was preparing the fig bars. She wanted to give me an update on my grandmother. She is no longer eating and the Ensure makes her sick. The hospice nurse had explained that this is not unusual because she no longer gets up and when you lie prone for so long your body stops making the fluids necessary to digest food. She may linger on for a while but this is the beginning of the end.
Virginia said she had not had Lee call because she had a hard time talking and couldn’t hold the phone. She didn’t like it because Virginia had to hold the phone to her ear. Virginia apologized for not calling to let me talk with her but I told her I understood, not to feel bad. Virginia said that Minnie Lee was the closest thing she had to a mother, which I of all people can understand.
She only heard from Larry one time over the last few months and he was demanding to speak with Lee despite the fact Lee said she didn’t want to talk. He told Virginia that he would come visit in October, which just happens to be when Lee’s farm check comes in.
Virginia said that Lee had settled sown so much it was easier to visit. She had been telling many stories of her past. Tales of my great grandmother cutting the fingers off an Indian and of my mother as a child. I asked her to write as many of these down as she could. One of my relatives had already recorded some of these stories. There are not many people left who came to Texas in a covered wagon. It is one of the deep regrets I have that life circumstances prevented me from knowing my family on either side. There is so much history that will vanish with her passing.
We went to Swan Creek Metro park today. It was good to walk and we loved the smell of fresh air filtered by nature. As we walked Cherie saw two deer who were grazing by the trail. They were used to seeing humans and just kept on foraging as we watched. We kept walking and the trail circled around so we saw the same two deer with a third. It was a mom with two young ones and were about ten feet away. As we came back we both talked about how this is a good thing to do. We are both terribly out of shape and have been talking about joining the YMCA so we can get healthy.
Cherie’s parents made it back from Florida. They are both sick with Ted still having the runs that plagued him the whole trip and Patsy having a bladder infection. They both had to wear depends on the trip, which is a first for Ted. He’s needed them for a while but refused. Here is a case where pride was literally messy. Cathy had aired the house out while they were gone but now that they are back the house is closed back up and she said it stinks again.
The date bars I cooked sucked so Cherie took them over to her folks just now. If they don’t like them Nate will take care of it. I don’t know what will happen with Nate but it won’t be good. It is hard to have to take a seat and watch him living a life that will destroy him and not be able to help. I think I will start letting folks know about this blog now to see how it goes.
A rough start for the day. Cherie was doing her morning chicken with her head cut off, I’m late, panic mode as she rushed to take care of all the tasks she waits till the last minute to do. She had decided to pay the $30 late fee for rent that we had talked about and I had told her not to. She probably forgot that and didn’t remember I had taken Fred over to the office to complain when they sent him a list of late fees and they had forgiven the fee. He has always sent his check on time because I am the one who mailed it for him. The fact that we were not notified till over six months after the alleged late payment had upset me so I had gone to the office myself to complain. It was explained to me that the new girl was just catching up on stuff that hadn’t been done. I also am sure they had changed who received and processed the checks because of a continuing problem with who they had been using. I need to write a letter to them about this to resolve the issue. I will refuse to pay it regardless.
Presuming the check Cherie had asked me to walk over to the office was for rent I let Cherie know that we had been told not to take them to the office. When she said the letter that was with the check stated to take it to the office. With that I opened the envelop and saw it was the $30 late fee. Frustrated I told Cherie we had already talked about this and she started waving her arms as her voice raised an octave expressing her confusion and irritation that I could not perform the simple task of delivering a check. This as I was going to kiss her goodbye to send her off to work. “Fine, GO TO WORK” I said as I got angry. I saw the surprise and hurt in her face and feel bad about it now but being angry I went to the bedroom and she went to work without her kiss. I am not happy with myself and will make it up to her but she needs to get her morning better organized. Instead of concentrating on getting ready for work she runs around trying to do things that come to her mind as it searches for what might go wrong or what she neglected to take care of.
I finally figured out how to write to the CD. It took a while and come to find out that the record function had simply been turned off. It has taken me weeks to figure this out. And then it took me an hour how learn how to record the journal. Every time I explore this computer I find more things it can do. Then I forget them and have to learn all over again unless it is a function I can repeat often enough to remember.
It is a beautiful day out. Sunny and will only go up to seventy degrees or so. I have nothing scheduled but that can always change. Because the humidity is low it will be a good day for Fred to get out. As much as I would like to stay in and work on the website I will call him and suggest he get out.
I dialed his number and got a busy signal. As soon as I hung up it rang and it was Fred. I will take him out shopping at 10:30 so better fix breakfast and get ready. My brain is sharp this morning and with the grace of God will stay that way. I think I will make oatmeal.
Got Fred out. Took him to the Dollar Tree where he got batteries, then the post office, Dollar General, and the Pharm. At Dollar General the isles were tight and poorly maintained. I was reminded of how good it was Fred didn’t drive as he ran into everything including one person and knocked items off shelves and racks everywhere he went.
We got home just as Cherie arrived for lunch from work. We had already E mailed each other about the spat this morning so that was settled. I told Cherie that all couples will have fights but the key was what we do afterwards. We settled it and leave it behind. Cherie checked the letter I was writing to MD properties and laughed when she reached the part where I told them they could kiss my ass. I told her I just put it in for a laugh and did not intend to keep it in the letter. She asked me to cook dinner which is something I have been trying to get her to do.
I am a little tired but it is early, only 12:30. This chair is hard on my back and the pain is rising. Maybe I should lay down for just a few minutes. I rested for just an hour but it helped. I looked up recipes using dates to use up the two bags Wayne had given me. Found something that looks good so I will give it a try. As I put on some Simon and Garfunkel I have this thought. Cherie and I are lonely in a way. We are very content to just live with each other and have very little outside contact. The social attempts we had made in the past left us feeling like we were outsiders who did not belong. Cherie has only her dysfunctional family and my family is not there. There are some acquaintances we interact with such as the few I help and those Cherie sees at work. I do meet once a week with Jeff and that is as close as it gets. The old friends I seldom see. Eileen is a good close friend but her health is failing. I need to go see her more often. Enough of this crap. I need to get busy cooking date bars and getting this website put together. Through it I may be able to reach out to the world and find some we can relate with.
Aunt Virginia called while I was preparing the fig bars. She wanted to give me an update on my grandmother. She is no longer eating and the Ensure makes her sick. The hospice nurse had explained that this is not unusual because she no longer gets up and when you lie prone for so long your body stops making the fluids necessary to digest food. She may linger on for a while but this is the beginning of the end.
Virginia said she had not had Lee call because she had a hard time talking and couldn’t hold the phone. She didn’t like it because Virginia had to hold the phone to her ear. Virginia apologized for not calling to let me talk with her but I told her I understood, not to feel bad. Virginia said that Minnie Lee was the closest thing she had to a mother, which I of all people can understand.
She only heard from Larry one time over the last few months and he was demanding to speak with Lee despite the fact Lee said she didn’t want to talk. He told Virginia that he would come visit in October, which just happens to be when Lee’s farm check comes in.
Virginia said that Lee had settled sown so much it was easier to visit. She had been telling many stories of her past. Tales of my great grandmother cutting the fingers off an Indian and of my mother as a child. I asked her to write as many of these down as she could. One of my relatives had already recorded some of these stories. There are not many people left who came to Texas in a covered wagon. It is one of the deep regrets I have that life circumstances prevented me from knowing my family on either side. There is so much history that will vanish with her passing.
We went to Swan Creek Metro park today. It was good to walk and we loved the smell of fresh air filtered by nature. As we walked Cherie saw two deer who were grazing by the trail. They were used to seeing humans and just kept on foraging as we watched. We kept walking and the trail circled around so we saw the same two deer with a third. It was a mom with two young ones and were about ten feet away. As we came back we both talked about how this is a good thing to do. We are both terribly out of shape and have been talking about joining the YMCA so we can get healthy.
Cherie’s parents made it back from Florida. They are both sick with Ted still having the runs that plagued him the whole trip and Patsy having a bladder infection. They both had to wear depends on the trip, which is a first for Ted. He’s needed them for a while but refused. Here is a case where pride was literally messy. Cathy had aired the house out while they were gone but now that they are back the house is closed back up and she said it stinks again.
The date bars I cooked sucked so Cherie took them over to her folks just now. If they don’t like them Nate will take care of it. I don’t know what will happen with Nate but it won’t be good. It is hard to have to take a seat and watch him living a life that will destroy him and not be able to help. I think I will start letting folks know about this blog now to see how it goes.
Monday, September 26, 2005
92605 Monday
9/26/05 Monday
Not bad this morning, especially considering I was up till 1:30 last night. I took Cherie to work so I can keep the car. I will work on cleaning it up and then start hitting the dealers to buy a car. Hope I maintain this level of cognizance.
So far so good. I actually have improved this morning. Can’t believe it is already 10:45 but I have gotten some things done. I downloaded the latest Kodak Easyshare software. I hope it helps with the problems I have moving the Kodak pictures to other functions in my computer. Right now I need to get my butt moving to finish cleaning the car and start going to dealerships. I will stop at Huntington bank first.
I’m back. I stopped at the car wash to do a final cleanup on the car. I skipped the bank and went straight to the Yark Chrysler dealership. I parked near the used car office and got out debating whether to go there or to the new car area. As I did so an older gentleman asked if he could help me. I told him I was going to buy a car this week if I could. He asked if I had anything picked out and I told him I was looking to pay $250 a month. He told me that that would put me in the $10,000 car range. I explained the uncertainty of our credit and asked if he could run that so I would have a clear idea what we could and could not get. He took down our information and took it into the credit department. It didn’t take long for him to return. Our bankruptcy is already showing up so we must wait till we have the disposition before they can help us.
While filling out the credit application the whole story came out. I told him of the wreck, the gift of life, and the miracle of getting back with Cherie. His name is Dave Holben and he was either amazed or impressed with what I have gone through. He told me I have incredible strength to keep fighting after all that. I don’t know about that, I just know I don’t give up. We talked of my philosophy, that it doesn’t matter how much money you have cause it comes and goes in a flash. What has value is the lives you touch. I don’t hide anything and told him of being homeless, the drugs and alcohol, and of the world I saw as I wandered. A world few seem aware of. Dave told me that when we have the disposition of the bankruptcy to come back and he would be glad to help. The close of the conversation was me telling him that my life was a gift and we are building and rebuilding life from the start. I know he was impressed but I feel this is nothing compared to many of the victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. They have a harder road ahead than I did.
I talked to Cherie and let her know what happened. Now I want to make use of this prime time and work on the website and maybe the book before another slow down. I tried to call Eileen. Glen answered and said she was taking her sister home and would be back in twenty minutes so I tried her cell phone. There was no answer so I left a message. Glen said she was doing better.
I am getting tired now. That is not unusual at this time of the day. It is a little after 2:00. Maybe if we get into the YMCA and I exercise it will help my energy level. I used to go strong for twelve to sixteen hours a day so it is frustrating to not be able to do that anymore. Suppose I should take my second pill and take a nap.
The nap helped. I really didn’t sleep as much as dozed. It still refreshed me and I got up in time to pick up Cherie from work. I grilled steaks and Cherie fixed stroganoff noodles. We enjoyed each others company as always and watched the news. It is all hurricane stuff with few new angles. I believe that much good can come out of this disaster. For those who faced death and lost all they had it will be a time of reevaluating what is important and what is not. This I am familiar with and understand. Some will come out stronger and better and some will sink into a despair which they will try to assuage with drugs, alcohol, and other excesses. One of the statistics coming out of this disaster is that the government has been tracking what has been purchased with the $2,000 debit cards they gave to the victims. Some 80% or so has been expended at strip clubs in Houston. Like the Bible said, “Lets eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”. At least I think that’s in the Bible but regardless I have heard it before and it pretty much covers this thought.
I got a hold of Eileen. She is not doing well at all and now there is something wrong in her throat. I could hardly understand what she was saying the last time I talked to her and it is no better now. One doctor wants he to have surgery for the tumor in her uterus but another said she wasn’t able to handle that. Her lungs are getting worse, they gave her a wheelchair to use because her back is so bad, and her health in general is going down hill. Some of this is due to the ravages of her lifetime of smoking and we all pay a price for such decisions. I told Cherie that she is dying slowly and that her system is so frail it won’t take much to hasten that. Some will say that is harsh or wrong but it is the reality none can escape. Death is certain, life is not. I pray that Eileen lives for many years and she may well do so, but the odds are stacked against her.
I got a call from Virginia. She was with my grandmother, Minnie Lee, and was calling to let me talk to her. Virginia held the phone up to Lee’s ear so she could talk. Lee’s hearing is noticeably going down hill as are many of her other functions. She did not talk long, only said she loved me and asked me to tell Cherie she loved her also. She couldn’t remember Cherie’s name at first so Virginia told her “It’s Cherie”. After I talked with Virginia and she told me that Lee had decided again she wanted to die and was not eating.
As I talked with Virginia, Lee told her to tell me that she had not heard from Larry in a long time. Sad as it is this is exactly what I had predicted would happen when Lee stopped giving Larry money. He is my brother and was the only family member that tried to help when I woke from the coma and I love him but he needs to look at himself. I am sure he will have every plausible excuse and explanation for this to make himself look good but I see through him. He is a world of promises that he won’t keep. This is typical behavior for a long term alcoholic but he seems to have the wool pulled over the rest of my families eyes. What a paradox. My father won’t talk to me at all, yet I think that while I have made some whopper mistakes I am the kind of man he would like. On the other side Dad always said he hated a liar yet is taken in by Larry’s misrepresentations. I still wonder what kind of picture Larry painted of me to dad but may never know. Larry sent me an E mail saying dad was an ass hole and that he had as little to do with him as possible. This was in response to my repeated requests for Larry to help mend this rift with my dad. “I don’t talk to him any more than I have to” he said. This I know is a lie but what can I do. I am two thousand miles away and they refuse to even take a phone call.
Not bad this morning, especially considering I was up till 1:30 last night. I took Cherie to work so I can keep the car. I will work on cleaning it up and then start hitting the dealers to buy a car. Hope I maintain this level of cognizance.
So far so good. I actually have improved this morning. Can’t believe it is already 10:45 but I have gotten some things done. I downloaded the latest Kodak Easyshare software. I hope it helps with the problems I have moving the Kodak pictures to other functions in my computer. Right now I need to get my butt moving to finish cleaning the car and start going to dealerships. I will stop at Huntington bank first.
I’m back. I stopped at the car wash to do a final cleanup on the car. I skipped the bank and went straight to the Yark Chrysler dealership. I parked near the used car office and got out debating whether to go there or to the new car area. As I did so an older gentleman asked if he could help me. I told him I was going to buy a car this week if I could. He asked if I had anything picked out and I told him I was looking to pay $250 a month. He told me that that would put me in the $10,000 car range. I explained the uncertainty of our credit and asked if he could run that so I would have a clear idea what we could and could not get. He took down our information and took it into the credit department. It didn’t take long for him to return. Our bankruptcy is already showing up so we must wait till we have the disposition before they can help us.
While filling out the credit application the whole story came out. I told him of the wreck, the gift of life, and the miracle of getting back with Cherie. His name is Dave Holben and he was either amazed or impressed with what I have gone through. He told me I have incredible strength to keep fighting after all that. I don’t know about that, I just know I don’t give up. We talked of my philosophy, that it doesn’t matter how much money you have cause it comes and goes in a flash. What has value is the lives you touch. I don’t hide anything and told him of being homeless, the drugs and alcohol, and of the world I saw as I wandered. A world few seem aware of. Dave told me that when we have the disposition of the bankruptcy to come back and he would be glad to help. The close of the conversation was me telling him that my life was a gift and we are building and rebuilding life from the start. I know he was impressed but I feel this is nothing compared to many of the victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. They have a harder road ahead than I did.
I talked to Cherie and let her know what happened. Now I want to make use of this prime time and work on the website and maybe the book before another slow down. I tried to call Eileen. Glen answered and said she was taking her sister home and would be back in twenty minutes so I tried her cell phone. There was no answer so I left a message. Glen said she was doing better.
I am getting tired now. That is not unusual at this time of the day. It is a little after 2:00. Maybe if we get into the YMCA and I exercise it will help my energy level. I used to go strong for twelve to sixteen hours a day so it is frustrating to not be able to do that anymore. Suppose I should take my second pill and take a nap.
The nap helped. I really didn’t sleep as much as dozed. It still refreshed me and I got up in time to pick up Cherie from work. I grilled steaks and Cherie fixed stroganoff noodles. We enjoyed each others company as always and watched the news. It is all hurricane stuff with few new angles. I believe that much good can come out of this disaster. For those who faced death and lost all they had it will be a time of reevaluating what is important and what is not. This I am familiar with and understand. Some will come out stronger and better and some will sink into a despair which they will try to assuage with drugs, alcohol, and other excesses. One of the statistics coming out of this disaster is that the government has been tracking what has been purchased with the $2,000 debit cards they gave to the victims. Some 80% or so has been expended at strip clubs in Houston. Like the Bible said, “Lets eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”. At least I think that’s in the Bible but regardless I have heard it before and it pretty much covers this thought.
I got a hold of Eileen. She is not doing well at all and now there is something wrong in her throat. I could hardly understand what she was saying the last time I talked to her and it is no better now. One doctor wants he to have surgery for the tumor in her uterus but another said she wasn’t able to handle that. Her lungs are getting worse, they gave her a wheelchair to use because her back is so bad, and her health in general is going down hill. Some of this is due to the ravages of her lifetime of smoking and we all pay a price for such decisions. I told Cherie that she is dying slowly and that her system is so frail it won’t take much to hasten that. Some will say that is harsh or wrong but it is the reality none can escape. Death is certain, life is not. I pray that Eileen lives for many years and she may well do so, but the odds are stacked against her.
I got a call from Virginia. She was with my grandmother, Minnie Lee, and was calling to let me talk to her. Virginia held the phone up to Lee’s ear so she could talk. Lee’s hearing is noticeably going down hill as are many of her other functions. She did not talk long, only said she loved me and asked me to tell Cherie she loved her also. She couldn’t remember Cherie’s name at first so Virginia told her “It’s Cherie”. After I talked with Virginia and she told me that Lee had decided again she wanted to die and was not eating.
As I talked with Virginia, Lee told her to tell me that she had not heard from Larry in a long time. Sad as it is this is exactly what I had predicted would happen when Lee stopped giving Larry money. He is my brother and was the only family member that tried to help when I woke from the coma and I love him but he needs to look at himself. I am sure he will have every plausible excuse and explanation for this to make himself look good but I see through him. He is a world of promises that he won’t keep. This is typical behavior for a long term alcoholic but he seems to have the wool pulled over the rest of my families eyes. What a paradox. My father won’t talk to me at all, yet I think that while I have made some whopper mistakes I am the kind of man he would like. On the other side Dad always said he hated a liar yet is taken in by Larry’s misrepresentations. I still wonder what kind of picture Larry painted of me to dad but may never know. Larry sent me an E mail saying dad was an ass hole and that he had as little to do with him as possible. This was in response to my repeated requests for Larry to help mend this rift with my dad. “I don’t talk to him any more than I have to” he said. This I know is a lie but what can I do. I am two thousand miles away and they refuse to even take a phone call.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
92405 Saturday
9/24/05 Saturday
This morning I will go to Dave’s to try again to get his van running. It is a potential wreck waiting to happen so it worries me. Still working to get him in another vehicle but he gets attached to whatever is familiar to him. I think he is convinced this van has to go but for now it is the only transportation he has other than his bike.
It has been a long day. Dave’s van turned out to be the van from hell. I put four hours into it yesterday and another five today. It is greasy, nasty, and southern engineered. Nothing was easy to get to as is always true with vans. Because it is an 84 bolts were frozen and in some cases missing. I had already put on $50 of parts yesterday trying to get a spark with no success. Today there was one more part to try and if that didn’t do it I was going to give up. That one part was harder than all the others put together because of how Ford engineered it. It is called a TFI module and is connected to the distributor.
It is attached with only two little screws that are about a half inch down in holes. I couldn’t see them because of the angle and depth but when I put the screw driver in it wouldn’t bite, just spin. I tried a Phillips head and then a regular screw driver with no success. Finally I had to remove the whole distributor just to see these screws. That turned into a chore that took over an hour. I pried, I twisted, I hammered but it wouldn’t come out. By now sweat was pouring off me from the exertion and I had to wipe it off my glasses to see. Even that was a chore as I searched for a part of my shirt that wasn’t greasy.
Finally the distributor popped loose and I could see the offending screws. They were small little hex head machine screws and I didn’t have a deep well socket that could reach down that far. We went to several stores searching for a socket set that would do the job.
Right now it is 9:00 PM and I am exhausted and in so much pain it is hard to sit at this computer so I will complete this tomorrow.
After looking in vain for a tool set that might supply the needed socket at a price Dave could handle my frustration level began to build. We drove back to Dave’s to get the distributor so we could be assured what we got something that worked. Going back to Lowe’s where I was confident we would be successful because of their large selection my frustration reached new heights. Nothing would get down this narrow hole and reach the screw. I went to Sears thinking that they would have the right socket though I didn’t want to pay for the higher quality. Nope, not going to happen.
Now I’ve gone from frustrated to pissed. I tell Dave to get in the car and snap at his every attempt to be helpful with suggestions that would never work. I tear down the road at a few miles per hour over the limit. Seeing a NAPA auto parts store I make a u-turn, squealing the tires as Dave holds on. I figured that if anyone would have the right tool an auto parts store would. After they all looked at the distributor and tried everything they had the answer was no.
By this time I have put four hours into this van on top of the four I put in yesterday. I told Dave that if I couldn’t figure it out I was done. We went back to his place and I tore the module off the distributor with a screwdriver, hoping I would not damage anything vital. I didn’t and after throwing the pieces of the old module away was happy when the new one fit right in. I went back to the auto parts store to find screws that would work. They didn’t have just the right one but I found a metric that I could southern engineer.
Once I got the distributor in it was time to see if that was the cure. After giving Dave a jump he turned the motor over. It coughed which means there was finally spark but the distributor was not in right so I had to play with it. Finally I got it running and set the timing by ear. What a job.
Dave’s neighbor, Bob, had come by while I worked on the van. He had been a cop and retired long ago. He drove up on his lawn mower as he has a hard time walking and is probably in his 80’s. The house I had bought with Barb, my second wife, is the one that adjoins Bob’s back yard. We had never even met for the seventeen years I lived there for several reasons. One was I didn’t get along with any of my neighbors because of my lifestyle. The other Bob told me about. Evidently Barb had pretty much chased him off and had been somewhat venomous with her words. He was a real nice guy and we had a good talk about Dave’s dad, Dave, and things in general. When I was leaving I told him that I regretted not getting to know him when I lived there.
Dave wanted to give me some money for all the work I had done but I told him to put it away to buy another car. I told him he needed to tie up the brake line that was hanging down in the back of his van and he said he would do it later. I told him “No, you’ll do it now” cause it was a disaster waiting to happen. He tried to argue saying he I could trust him to do it later and he didn’t want to get dirty right now. I handed him a piece of wire and told him I wouldn’t leave till it was done because if he last his brakes he not only endangered his life but could kill who ever he hit. Having no choice he took care of it. He said I was being a prick about it and Bob, hearing him, told him I might be saving his life. Of course Dave was not really upset, just inconvenienced. He thanked me for the work and I was grateful to go home and rest.
9/25/05 Sunday
Right now I am at St Ann’s emergency room. Barb had called at about 2:45 and asked if I could take her to the hospital Monday. I asked “Why do you need to go to the hospital?” She told me that her face was swollen up and she couldn’t swallow. Hearing this I told her I would take her to the emergency room right now. I asked her why she wanted to wait till tomorrow and she said she didn’t think I would want to go today. I know I have toughened up on her and told her that I wouldn’t make what I call fluff trips like getting one bag of food unless I was already in the area. I told her to never hesitate to call for legitimate needs such as medical.
This morning I woke up with a migraine. Even though the sun was just rising and the blinds were only raised twelve inches the light hurt. The sounds of traffic outside was loud through the closed window. I took my pill, a tramadol, two aspirin and told Cherie I may not make it to church. I asked her to go so she could ask Bill about the black book value on the car. When it got close to her leaving I was feeling better and decided I would go also.
The service was better and I was amazed that the sermon was on the very scripture I had been contemplating as we drove to church “You have left your first love”. We talked to Bill after the service and he told us what the car was worth to dealers. It will be a fight to get rid of her car and get another but it is a fight worth fighting.
After church we went looking for an inexpensive place to eat and saw an auction sign for Mike Gaisser. Mike is an old friend of mine and I love auctions but I had just talked to Cherie about her love of garage sales. I had told her we didn’t have room for nick nacks in the apartment so suggested she avoid them till we had a permanent place of our own. Auctions are pretty much like a garage sale only bigger and quicker but I hoped to find a deal on a cheap car to help Dave out with. When we got there all the cars had already been sold so we went to Reynolds Family Restaurant and ate.
When we got home I started working on the piles of stuff on the desk and dining table, getting Cherie involved as much of it was stuff she needed to file or deal with. That’s when Barb called.
I got home at 5:30. It is 7:00 now. The headache never left, just got tolerable. I was working on the website and the headache began to increase and I started having that ringing in my ears along with the loss of equilibrium. I can tell a slow down is coming, in fact it is happening now. This is getting harder to write and I must be deliberate as I type. Keep hitting the wrong keys.
This morning I will go to Dave’s to try again to get his van running. It is a potential wreck waiting to happen so it worries me. Still working to get him in another vehicle but he gets attached to whatever is familiar to him. I think he is convinced this van has to go but for now it is the only transportation he has other than his bike.
It has been a long day. Dave’s van turned out to be the van from hell. I put four hours into it yesterday and another five today. It is greasy, nasty, and southern engineered. Nothing was easy to get to as is always true with vans. Because it is an 84 bolts were frozen and in some cases missing. I had already put on $50 of parts yesterday trying to get a spark with no success. Today there was one more part to try and if that didn’t do it I was going to give up. That one part was harder than all the others put together because of how Ford engineered it. It is called a TFI module and is connected to the distributor.
It is attached with only two little screws that are about a half inch down in holes. I couldn’t see them because of the angle and depth but when I put the screw driver in it wouldn’t bite, just spin. I tried a Phillips head and then a regular screw driver with no success. Finally I had to remove the whole distributor just to see these screws. That turned into a chore that took over an hour. I pried, I twisted, I hammered but it wouldn’t come out. By now sweat was pouring off me from the exertion and I had to wipe it off my glasses to see. Even that was a chore as I searched for a part of my shirt that wasn’t greasy.
Finally the distributor popped loose and I could see the offending screws. They were small little hex head machine screws and I didn’t have a deep well socket that could reach down that far. We went to several stores searching for a socket set that would do the job.
Right now it is 9:00 PM and I am exhausted and in so much pain it is hard to sit at this computer so I will complete this tomorrow.
After looking in vain for a tool set that might supply the needed socket at a price Dave could handle my frustration level began to build. We drove back to Dave’s to get the distributor so we could be assured what we got something that worked. Going back to Lowe’s where I was confident we would be successful because of their large selection my frustration reached new heights. Nothing would get down this narrow hole and reach the screw. I went to Sears thinking that they would have the right socket though I didn’t want to pay for the higher quality. Nope, not going to happen.
Now I’ve gone from frustrated to pissed. I tell Dave to get in the car and snap at his every attempt to be helpful with suggestions that would never work. I tear down the road at a few miles per hour over the limit. Seeing a NAPA auto parts store I make a u-turn, squealing the tires as Dave holds on. I figured that if anyone would have the right tool an auto parts store would. After they all looked at the distributor and tried everything they had the answer was no.
By this time I have put four hours into this van on top of the four I put in yesterday. I told Dave that if I couldn’t figure it out I was done. We went back to his place and I tore the module off the distributor with a screwdriver, hoping I would not damage anything vital. I didn’t and after throwing the pieces of the old module away was happy when the new one fit right in. I went back to the auto parts store to find screws that would work. They didn’t have just the right one but I found a metric that I could southern engineer.
Once I got the distributor in it was time to see if that was the cure. After giving Dave a jump he turned the motor over. It coughed which means there was finally spark but the distributor was not in right so I had to play with it. Finally I got it running and set the timing by ear. What a job.
Dave’s neighbor, Bob, had come by while I worked on the van. He had been a cop and retired long ago. He drove up on his lawn mower as he has a hard time walking and is probably in his 80’s. The house I had bought with Barb, my second wife, is the one that adjoins Bob’s back yard. We had never even met for the seventeen years I lived there for several reasons. One was I didn’t get along with any of my neighbors because of my lifestyle. The other Bob told me about. Evidently Barb had pretty much chased him off and had been somewhat venomous with her words. He was a real nice guy and we had a good talk about Dave’s dad, Dave, and things in general. When I was leaving I told him that I regretted not getting to know him when I lived there.
Dave wanted to give me some money for all the work I had done but I told him to put it away to buy another car. I told him he needed to tie up the brake line that was hanging down in the back of his van and he said he would do it later. I told him “No, you’ll do it now” cause it was a disaster waiting to happen. He tried to argue saying he I could trust him to do it later and he didn’t want to get dirty right now. I handed him a piece of wire and told him I wouldn’t leave till it was done because if he last his brakes he not only endangered his life but could kill who ever he hit. Having no choice he took care of it. He said I was being a prick about it and Bob, hearing him, told him I might be saving his life. Of course Dave was not really upset, just inconvenienced. He thanked me for the work and I was grateful to go home and rest.
9/25/05 Sunday
Right now I am at St Ann’s emergency room. Barb had called at about 2:45 and asked if I could take her to the hospital Monday. I asked “Why do you need to go to the hospital?” She told me that her face was swollen up and she couldn’t swallow. Hearing this I told her I would take her to the emergency room right now. I asked her why she wanted to wait till tomorrow and she said she didn’t think I would want to go today. I know I have toughened up on her and told her that I wouldn’t make what I call fluff trips like getting one bag of food unless I was already in the area. I told her to never hesitate to call for legitimate needs such as medical.
This morning I woke up with a migraine. Even though the sun was just rising and the blinds were only raised twelve inches the light hurt. The sounds of traffic outside was loud through the closed window. I took my pill, a tramadol, two aspirin and told Cherie I may not make it to church. I asked her to go so she could ask Bill about the black book value on the car. When it got close to her leaving I was feeling better and decided I would go also.
The service was better and I was amazed that the sermon was on the very scripture I had been contemplating as we drove to church “You have left your first love”. We talked to Bill after the service and he told us what the car was worth to dealers. It will be a fight to get rid of her car and get another but it is a fight worth fighting.
After church we went looking for an inexpensive place to eat and saw an auction sign for Mike Gaisser. Mike is an old friend of mine and I love auctions but I had just talked to Cherie about her love of garage sales. I had told her we didn’t have room for nick nacks in the apartment so suggested she avoid them till we had a permanent place of our own. Auctions are pretty much like a garage sale only bigger and quicker but I hoped to find a deal on a cheap car to help Dave out with. When we got there all the cars had already been sold so we went to Reynolds Family Restaurant and ate.
When we got home I started working on the piles of stuff on the desk and dining table, getting Cherie involved as much of it was stuff she needed to file or deal with. That’s when Barb called.
I got home at 5:30. It is 7:00 now. The headache never left, just got tolerable. I was working on the website and the headache began to increase and I started having that ringing in my ears along with the loss of equilibrium. I can tell a slow down is coming, in fact it is happening now. This is getting harder to write and I must be deliberate as I type. Keep hitting the wrong keys.
Friday, September 23, 2005
92305 Friday
9/23/05 Friday
I woke up at 4:45 this morning so put on some gentle guitar music and will do some writing. I woke up with memories of my time at the Volunteers of America fresh on my mind. This after another vivid dream which this time I remember.
In this dream I was involved with helping an organization by using my knowledge of antiques to help them raise funds. I drove to a fancy glass high rise building that is reminiscent of the Ren Cen in Detroit. Leaving my car in the drive up entrance where the door man and those who help with baggage are busy I rush into the hotel. I am not sure what floor to go but push the right button and arrive at this black tie function. I get involved with different individuals, telling them about short term memory loss, all the while looking for Christine who had gotten me involved with this affair. She is not available but as I look around I notice my name is on the paperwork with hers. It was a surprise and I feel like my name had been used for their benefit without permission. When I go to leave I find that I had forgotten leaving my car in their drive. Asking about it I learn it had been boxed up and put in their storage room many floors up. I take the elevator up and find a warehouse filled with rows of shrink wrapped boxes stacked on pallet racking twenty foot high. One of them contains my car. End of dream.
Now back to the VOA. As I woke up this morning and felt how wet my pillow is from the night sweats it brought back the memories of my first days at VOA. I was taking the interferon for hepatitis and that caused me to sweat profusely while I was shaking from the chills in addition to it being winter with poor heat. I did get an extra blanket from the staff and stayed under the covers much of the time. With that door of memory unlocked there was much that returned. The journal I kept which disappeared when they threw me into jail, the file full of wrinkled papers Christine would not let me read or return to me, and the reaction of staff members when they would run into me after being jailed by them. It was a place of corruption and when I publish that it will cause a problem. I am anxious to be free of this probation for while I am in the system it is to easy for them to again use it to have me jailed in retaliation as they did before.
This morning I am to go work on Dave’s van. The first hurdle will be telling Fred for I know he is upset that I refused to take Barb this morning. It would be much easier if I would lie and tell him something like I have to see a doctor but I won’t. We’ll see how that goes. Right now I think I will work on building the website.
I had forgotten I meet Jeff but thanks to it becoming a routine remembered to go. We had a good talk and the guy in the booth next to us got into the conversation when he heard me telling Jeff we were going to buy a car. Then we talked of prison and the justice system. He had been a prison guard in Maryland so had a good inside perspective. He is also a Fed ex driver so I asked if he knew a place Ahmed could park his tractor trailer. He said some of his drivers use the K-mart parking lot. I told him about Ahmed’s truck being towed and they tried to crank him for a thousand dollars. He is familiar with that kind of scam. I called Ahmed to tell him but he is skeptical because of being towed from a similar lot.
After that I went to Dave’s to work on his van from hell. After four hours and $80 worth of parts I was still not able to get a spark. I am exhausted and toward the end the migraine started coming up. The positions I had to get in to reach the work areas have my body pain really high. I got home at 3:00. I washed as much grease off my hands as I could and scraped it off my fingernails.
I helped Dave get to several places to buy groceries, laundry soap, go to the bank to cash his check, go back to the bank to get money for the auto parts, and of course three trips to Murray’s to get the parts.
I took a survey but had difficulty following the instructions. Took some aspirin and Tramadol as well as my seizure pill. Hope the headache goes down. Almost fell to sleep as I took the survey so perhaps should take my nap. It frustrates me because I once would go for twelve hours a day with no problem and now four hours wears me out. The headache wins. Will lay down and close the blinds to keep out the brightness that bothers me at these times. I would close the window to reduce the noise but we need the air flow to keep it cool in the apartment.
Cherie had a rough morning with the hot flashes at a high level. It put her in a nasty mood and she told the cat to shut up. She never does that. I tried to get some humor out but it couldn’t override her discomfort. I hope she did alright at work. Wish I was in better shape so I could cook a nice dinner for her. Perhaps I will take her out to dinner.
Just called Cherie at work to see how she was doing she is tired as the hot flashes drain her quickly on top of working all day. I will meet her outside and we will go to the bank to deposit her check and then straight to the restaurant on Glendale we like to beat the rush. It is so good to be back with her after twenty years that I can’t help but write about it all the time. I’m sure it will get old if I ever get an audience on the blog but don’t care. The blog is me with no pretense to impress any one. Don’t like it tough. I do. This honesty and openness I try for is scary to some we have met. Seems that the whole world is so used to false faces honesty is uncomfortable.
Dinner was good as it always is at the Glendale Garden Café. Great food at an unbelievable price. It’s no wonder there is always a line there. We just beat the crowd and by the time we left there were fifteen people waiting and they didn’t mind at all.
We went looking at cars after dinner. Because we are car shopping virgins we were surprised to fine the dealerships close at six on Friday. No problem cause that means we can look without being pressed by some anxious salesman who wanted to get our money more than help us find what we wanted. I called Bill after to get his advice because he sells used cars professionally. Being our pastor helps me feel safe asking for advice. He gave me a better idea how things work which will help me decide the best way to approach this. I think that because of the time constraints we will be better off going to a dealer where we can unload Cherie’s car by trading it in and the dealer can get the financing pushed through. If we had time I could go to the bank and get pre approved for a loan thus knowing how much we can spend. Then I could go with Bill to a dealer’s auction and buy at dealer prices. Oh well, to late for that.
I woke up at 4:45 this morning so put on some gentle guitar music and will do some writing. I woke up with memories of my time at the Volunteers of America fresh on my mind. This after another vivid dream which this time I remember.
In this dream I was involved with helping an organization by using my knowledge of antiques to help them raise funds. I drove to a fancy glass high rise building that is reminiscent of the Ren Cen in Detroit. Leaving my car in the drive up entrance where the door man and those who help with baggage are busy I rush into the hotel. I am not sure what floor to go but push the right button and arrive at this black tie function. I get involved with different individuals, telling them about short term memory loss, all the while looking for Christine who had gotten me involved with this affair. She is not available but as I look around I notice my name is on the paperwork with hers. It was a surprise and I feel like my name had been used for their benefit without permission. When I go to leave I find that I had forgotten leaving my car in their drive. Asking about it I learn it had been boxed up and put in their storage room many floors up. I take the elevator up and find a warehouse filled with rows of shrink wrapped boxes stacked on pallet racking twenty foot high. One of them contains my car. End of dream.
Now back to the VOA. As I woke up this morning and felt how wet my pillow is from the night sweats it brought back the memories of my first days at VOA. I was taking the interferon for hepatitis and that caused me to sweat profusely while I was shaking from the chills in addition to it being winter with poor heat. I did get an extra blanket from the staff and stayed under the covers much of the time. With that door of memory unlocked there was much that returned. The journal I kept which disappeared when they threw me into jail, the file full of wrinkled papers Christine would not let me read or return to me, and the reaction of staff members when they would run into me after being jailed by them. It was a place of corruption and when I publish that it will cause a problem. I am anxious to be free of this probation for while I am in the system it is to easy for them to again use it to have me jailed in retaliation as they did before.
This morning I am to go work on Dave’s van. The first hurdle will be telling Fred for I know he is upset that I refused to take Barb this morning. It would be much easier if I would lie and tell him something like I have to see a doctor but I won’t. We’ll see how that goes. Right now I think I will work on building the website.
I had forgotten I meet Jeff but thanks to it becoming a routine remembered to go. We had a good talk and the guy in the booth next to us got into the conversation when he heard me telling Jeff we were going to buy a car. Then we talked of prison and the justice system. He had been a prison guard in Maryland so had a good inside perspective. He is also a Fed ex driver so I asked if he knew a place Ahmed could park his tractor trailer. He said some of his drivers use the K-mart parking lot. I told him about Ahmed’s truck being towed and they tried to crank him for a thousand dollars. He is familiar with that kind of scam. I called Ahmed to tell him but he is skeptical because of being towed from a similar lot.
After that I went to Dave’s to work on his van from hell. After four hours and $80 worth of parts I was still not able to get a spark. I am exhausted and toward the end the migraine started coming up. The positions I had to get in to reach the work areas have my body pain really high. I got home at 3:00. I washed as much grease off my hands as I could and scraped it off my fingernails.
I helped Dave get to several places to buy groceries, laundry soap, go to the bank to cash his check, go back to the bank to get money for the auto parts, and of course three trips to Murray’s to get the parts.
I took a survey but had difficulty following the instructions. Took some aspirin and Tramadol as well as my seizure pill. Hope the headache goes down. Almost fell to sleep as I took the survey so perhaps should take my nap. It frustrates me because I once would go for twelve hours a day with no problem and now four hours wears me out. The headache wins. Will lay down and close the blinds to keep out the brightness that bothers me at these times. I would close the window to reduce the noise but we need the air flow to keep it cool in the apartment.
Cherie had a rough morning with the hot flashes at a high level. It put her in a nasty mood and she told the cat to shut up. She never does that. I tried to get some humor out but it couldn’t override her discomfort. I hope she did alright at work. Wish I was in better shape so I could cook a nice dinner for her. Perhaps I will take her out to dinner.
Just called Cherie at work to see how she was doing she is tired as the hot flashes drain her quickly on top of working all day. I will meet her outside and we will go to the bank to deposit her check and then straight to the restaurant on Glendale we like to beat the rush. It is so good to be back with her after twenty years that I can’t help but write about it all the time. I’m sure it will get old if I ever get an audience on the blog but don’t care. The blog is me with no pretense to impress any one. Don’t like it tough. I do. This honesty and openness I try for is scary to some we have met. Seems that the whole world is so used to false faces honesty is uncomfortable.
Dinner was good as it always is at the Glendale Garden Café. Great food at an unbelievable price. It’s no wonder there is always a line there. We just beat the crowd and by the time we left there were fifteen people waiting and they didn’t mind at all.
We went looking at cars after dinner. Because we are car shopping virgins we were surprised to fine the dealerships close at six on Friday. No problem cause that means we can look without being pressed by some anxious salesman who wanted to get our money more than help us find what we wanted. I called Bill after to get his advice because he sells used cars professionally. Being our pastor helps me feel safe asking for advice. He gave me a better idea how things work which will help me decide the best way to approach this. I think that because of the time constraints we will be better off going to a dealer where we can unload Cherie’s car by trading it in and the dealer can get the financing pushed through. If we had time I could go to the bank and get pre approved for a loan thus knowing how much we can spend. Then I could go with Bill to a dealer’s auction and buy at dealer prices. Oh well, to late for that.
92205 Thursday
9/22/05 Thursday
Cherie and I are both tired this morning. I had those vivid dreams again. Can’t remember them now but know I had them. I was thinking I would not have to go anywhere when someone called to ask if we were still going to “do that”. I asked who was calling and it was Sharon. She said I was going to drive her to the bank so she could cash her check. I am glad she called because it totally escaped my mind. I remember now. Better get showered and take my pill.
The last two days have been especially hard. The partial seizures, what I call slow downs, have come quicker, lasted longer, and have made me mentally slower than usual. I hope this trend will end. I write this hoping I will be able to relay it to the doctors I see every six months or so for neurology at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. Every time I see a doc they ask me questions that I can’t remember the answers to. It makes it impossible for them to do their job. That is one of the reasons I do this journal but how can they read it? It is nearly 600 pages long and covers all of my life not just medical issues. I have taken this laptop in but they didn’t take me up on the offer to read it.
Last night I saw a blog that interested me and tried four times to place a comment on it with no success. I hate being unable to figure out simple things especially when this brain of mine appears to still work well in other areas. Just can’t seem to get past being confused and frustrated as I have to relearn what I learned minutes before. There are times I can do well but not recently. I forget the instructions I read seconds before I try to apply them so I find myself repeating the same error over and over again. Hope I have a good day but am starting out a little slow.
It’s 1:00 now. I got Sharon to the bank ok. She is having a hard time with the withdrawals from Paxil and is worrying what she will do when she runs out of what they got for her at the emergency room. The nurse at Zeph Center had her cut the twenty milligram pills into four pieces. This helped relieve the symptoms some but not all the way. Her fear is that when she runs out of the pieces the withdrawals will return full force so I worked to allay those fears explaining that her body was getting used to less of the drug and that the withdrawals will be much less. I don’t really know but I do know it works that way with heroin and other drugs. Hope I am right.
When she got done at the bank I asked her where else she would like to go. She said she wanted a bottle but I told her no. In that discussion I let her know that alcohol is not an answer to this withdrawal and the accompanying depression but that it would only make things worse. I have been an alcoholic and been around many. While there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner drinking alone is a real bad sign so I would not help her get a “bottle” in any way.
This said she asked if I would take her to get cigarettes. That I will do because I know the nicotine will help keep her frayed nerves together and the withdrawal from nicotine is the last thing she needs. I dropped her off and called Allen on the way home to see if he still needed help.
He said he had not slept all night and had been throwing up. “I don’t know why cause I didn’t eat but one thing and it couldn’t have been bad”. I told him it wasn’t what he ate and he got defensive “What do you mean it wasn’t what I ate? What do you think it was?”. I said I would tell him later but he called me back and said he changed his mind and was in too bad a shape for me to come over. I know he had called me looking for pain killers and am fairly certain he is going through withdrawals. I told him he needs to break down and get professional help for his pain. He has been avoiding that because he has no insurance and knows surgery is the most likely cure for his neck and pack. He can’t work in his vocation as a sheetmetal worker because of his pain and let his union dues lapse. It is tough when circumstances make you poor.
Despite my concern for him I was glad to get a break and went to Kroger for groceries. By now I have sharpened up mentally but the leg is extra numb and I am limping bad. It is so strange how parts of my body work and others don’t at the whim of whatever it is that controls this. Everything shifts around in a constant state of flux.
As I shopped I felt that rare sensation of hunger. This is another thing that comes and goes along with other senses such as taste and smell. Being hungry in a grocery store can be a dangerous thing with me. I bought all kinds of stuff and plan on cooking a great meal for Cherie and I to enjoy together. Hope I have the energy and mental sharpness to accomplish that. I picked up some milk for Fred along with all kinds of things like avocados and tomatillas with a Mexican meal in mind.
I got home right when Cherie came home for lunch. We got the food upstairs and fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherie left for work and I started getting stuff put away. Fred called and asked if I was still going to take Barb to the church for the food hand out. I told him I won’t so he asked why despite the fact I had explained it yesterday. I explained again that Barb needs to learn to take care of herself and be responsible with what she has. She gets plenty of money for food and Fred buys her $150 of food on top of that. Basil, who lives with her and has a good job needs to be contributing also. Fred knew better than to argue so I told him I would call Barb and tell her so she would be mad at me, not him. I did and it was a short conversation. “Barb, it’s Bob. I’m not going to take you to the church tomorrow” She hung up without a word. She already knew cause Fred called her. She has to learn because Fred won’t always be there and neither will I. “What’s she going to do when your gone Fred?” I had asked. I told him the biggest favor he could do for her was force her to learn how to handle her money.
I am tired now. The brain is still functioning good just the body seems fatigued. Need to wash the dishes and get cooking because if I lay down that’s all she wrote.
OK. That was a good run but I am slowing down. Got most of the dishes don’t but the back pain always is aggravated when I stand at the sink. It is the same as when I sit here and type. Just the slight slouch as I do these tasks is what sets it off. I called Cherie to ask her where the two frozen pie crusts were. She told me we had used them a long time ago. I didn’t remember that at all, just remembered I bought them and needed to use them. Oh well, another event in the life of a man with a poor memory. I remember some stuff but not others. I am slowing down now so will lay down. This is getting hard to write. This sucks.
I am grateful. I laid down for about 45 minutes and it helped, I guess you could say I got a second wind. I saw a cooking show and she was cooking Mexican food. She made a dessert who’s name escapes me that looked good and was simple to make, so simple I remember it for the moment.
Here it goes. Into a blender she put a can of something called Media Crème, a can of evaporated milk, can of condensed milk, three whole eggs, and three egg yolks. She blended that good and made some caramel which she coated a glass pie pan with and after letting that cool she poured the mix in it. That was put in a water bath (like a double boiler) and in an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
I went to Miejer to see if they had the Media stuff but they didn’t so I guess I won’t be making that. While it is on my mind I should write something else I did today. Before I went to get Sharon I stopped by the bank to get some advice on Cherie’s car. The best thing for us to do is trade it in on another car before the bankruptcy becomes official. Well I got to cook cause I’m the one who bought all this stuff.
Cherie and I are both tired this morning. I had those vivid dreams again. Can’t remember them now but know I had them. I was thinking I would not have to go anywhere when someone called to ask if we were still going to “do that”. I asked who was calling and it was Sharon. She said I was going to drive her to the bank so she could cash her check. I am glad she called because it totally escaped my mind. I remember now. Better get showered and take my pill.
The last two days have been especially hard. The partial seizures, what I call slow downs, have come quicker, lasted longer, and have made me mentally slower than usual. I hope this trend will end. I write this hoping I will be able to relay it to the doctors I see every six months or so for neurology at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. Every time I see a doc they ask me questions that I can’t remember the answers to. It makes it impossible for them to do their job. That is one of the reasons I do this journal but how can they read it? It is nearly 600 pages long and covers all of my life not just medical issues. I have taken this laptop in but they didn’t take me up on the offer to read it.
Last night I saw a blog that interested me and tried four times to place a comment on it with no success. I hate being unable to figure out simple things especially when this brain of mine appears to still work well in other areas. Just can’t seem to get past being confused and frustrated as I have to relearn what I learned minutes before. There are times I can do well but not recently. I forget the instructions I read seconds before I try to apply them so I find myself repeating the same error over and over again. Hope I have a good day but am starting out a little slow.
It’s 1:00 now. I got Sharon to the bank ok. She is having a hard time with the withdrawals from Paxil and is worrying what she will do when she runs out of what they got for her at the emergency room. The nurse at Zeph Center had her cut the twenty milligram pills into four pieces. This helped relieve the symptoms some but not all the way. Her fear is that when she runs out of the pieces the withdrawals will return full force so I worked to allay those fears explaining that her body was getting used to less of the drug and that the withdrawals will be much less. I don’t really know but I do know it works that way with heroin and other drugs. Hope I am right.
When she got done at the bank I asked her where else she would like to go. She said she wanted a bottle but I told her no. In that discussion I let her know that alcohol is not an answer to this withdrawal and the accompanying depression but that it would only make things worse. I have been an alcoholic and been around many. While there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner drinking alone is a real bad sign so I would not help her get a “bottle” in any way.
This said she asked if I would take her to get cigarettes. That I will do because I know the nicotine will help keep her frayed nerves together and the withdrawal from nicotine is the last thing she needs. I dropped her off and called Allen on the way home to see if he still needed help.
He said he had not slept all night and had been throwing up. “I don’t know why cause I didn’t eat but one thing and it couldn’t have been bad”. I told him it wasn’t what he ate and he got defensive “What do you mean it wasn’t what I ate? What do you think it was?”. I said I would tell him later but he called me back and said he changed his mind and was in too bad a shape for me to come over. I know he had called me looking for pain killers and am fairly certain he is going through withdrawals. I told him he needs to break down and get professional help for his pain. He has been avoiding that because he has no insurance and knows surgery is the most likely cure for his neck and pack. He can’t work in his vocation as a sheetmetal worker because of his pain and let his union dues lapse. It is tough when circumstances make you poor.
Despite my concern for him I was glad to get a break and went to Kroger for groceries. By now I have sharpened up mentally but the leg is extra numb and I am limping bad. It is so strange how parts of my body work and others don’t at the whim of whatever it is that controls this. Everything shifts around in a constant state of flux.
As I shopped I felt that rare sensation of hunger. This is another thing that comes and goes along with other senses such as taste and smell. Being hungry in a grocery store can be a dangerous thing with me. I bought all kinds of stuff and plan on cooking a great meal for Cherie and I to enjoy together. Hope I have the energy and mental sharpness to accomplish that. I picked up some milk for Fred along with all kinds of things like avocados and tomatillas with a Mexican meal in mind.
I got home right when Cherie came home for lunch. We got the food upstairs and fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherie left for work and I started getting stuff put away. Fred called and asked if I was still going to take Barb to the church for the food hand out. I told him I won’t so he asked why despite the fact I had explained it yesterday. I explained again that Barb needs to learn to take care of herself and be responsible with what she has. She gets plenty of money for food and Fred buys her $150 of food on top of that. Basil, who lives with her and has a good job needs to be contributing also. Fred knew better than to argue so I told him I would call Barb and tell her so she would be mad at me, not him. I did and it was a short conversation. “Barb, it’s Bob. I’m not going to take you to the church tomorrow” She hung up without a word. She already knew cause Fred called her. She has to learn because Fred won’t always be there and neither will I. “What’s she going to do when your gone Fred?” I had asked. I told him the biggest favor he could do for her was force her to learn how to handle her money.
I am tired now. The brain is still functioning good just the body seems fatigued. Need to wash the dishes and get cooking because if I lay down that’s all she wrote.
OK. That was a good run but I am slowing down. Got most of the dishes don’t but the back pain always is aggravated when I stand at the sink. It is the same as when I sit here and type. Just the slight slouch as I do these tasks is what sets it off. I called Cherie to ask her where the two frozen pie crusts were. She told me we had used them a long time ago. I didn’t remember that at all, just remembered I bought them and needed to use them. Oh well, another event in the life of a man with a poor memory. I remember some stuff but not others. I am slowing down now so will lay down. This is getting hard to write. This sucks.
I am grateful. I laid down for about 45 minutes and it helped, I guess you could say I got a second wind. I saw a cooking show and she was cooking Mexican food. She made a dessert who’s name escapes me that looked good and was simple to make, so simple I remember it for the moment.
Here it goes. Into a blender she put a can of something called Media Crème, a can of evaporated milk, can of condensed milk, three whole eggs, and three egg yolks. She blended that good and made some caramel which she coated a glass pie pan with and after letting that cool she poured the mix in it. That was put in a water bath (like a double boiler) and in an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
I went to Miejer to see if they had the Media stuff but they didn’t so I guess I won’t be making that. While it is on my mind I should write something else I did today. Before I went to get Sharon I stopped by the bank to get some advice on Cherie’s car. The best thing for us to do is trade it in on another car before the bankruptcy becomes official. Well I got to cook cause I’m the one who bought all this stuff.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
92105 Wednesday
9/21/05 Wednesday
So far so good I woke up lucid and have showered and fixed breakfast already. I hope this lasts all day but never know.
Just called Molly at Swan Cove apartments and we talked for a while about Wayne’s needs and then Sharon’s difficulties regarding their housing. Molly had some good suggestions on how I can work on this. There is little doubt that I need an education on section 8 and LMHA. Some of the things she suggested I have known I needed to do for a while but like everything else I forget and don’t follow through. The depression has been a hindrance as well. After the rejection of those I had looked up to at church I just gave up on being anything of significance and retreated into my shell. Time to change that. Still have to fight this disability and keep going.
This morning I will take Fred to MCO for his blood test and then go downtown to see if I can piss in a bottle. I am not slow like I was yesterday so figure it will work out. I am not looking forward to talking to Fred but at least I am lucid so should be better able to control my emotions.
Allen called yesterday to let me know he had flooded his place so wouldn’t need my help. I feel bad about his flood but appreciate the time he freed up for me. He said he got distracted and left his water on till it flooded the whole place. I hope he didn’t take too many pain pills this time. His whole place is full of cigarette burns where he dropped them and evidently forgot or nodded off. You can see from the length of the burns how entire cigarettes just sat there burning. It’s scary to see and I worry because if it is from the pills he is taking way too many.
Speak of the devil. As I was writing the last sentence Allen called and asked if I knew anywhere he could get some pain meds. I told him no because I no longer run in those circles and haven’t for four years now. Besides I don’t think I would even if I could because I am sure he is now feeding an addiction instead of treating his pain. That moves it from being medication to it being poison. You don’t give your friend poison.
Fred apologized for yesterday with a quick statement during a conversation about something unrelated. Just four words muttered almost under his breath “I’m sorry about yesterday”. That works for me just fine. I did tell him that the only thing I will do for Barb is necessities such as food and medical, no fluff like haircuts. I asked if he has called her on her phone and he has which means she did get it back.
His blood test did not take long. I had to register him on the phone because he can’t read his insurance card. After I took him to the Pharm and helped him buy food. He needs to eat more vegetables because he has an iron deficiency but he doesn’t like them.
I drank a pitcher of tea and the same amount of water in preparation for my piss test, figuring it would help. A few minutes before I was going to head downtown I could feel the headache that is a precursor to a slow down coming. Earlier when I took Fred to the Pharm I had no limp at all but that was changing as I walked out to the car. By the time I was on the road I could tell it was coming on fast. I drove up to the drug test facility and just parked outside. It was about twenty till twelve, which is when they close today and I did not seem to need to use the bathroom. With the slow down I really did not feel sitting there trying to work up the ability to pee knowing I would not be able to. Besides I avoid outside contact at these times. I may get in trouble for it but I gave up and went home. I’ve been taking these tests for two years and don’t think I have missed one.
I know I am clean but that doesn’t matter. If it is an issue I will gladly pay for a hair test which will give them about a six month record to prove it. I am again having difficulty writing and want to hide in the bed as I do when the migraine gets bad. All noises are loud and lights bright so I put on easy listening stuff low to kind of mask that and help me distress. Driving home was rough. I just coasted along instead of my usually more aggressive style. No surprises or quick thinking needed. This is getting worse. I so wanted to work on the website but not now. Hopefully this slowdown will go as quickly as it came. I also need to work on Wayne and Sharon’s housing needs but must put that on hold also. It is getting hot so I suppose I should turn on the air. I am done for now. Will lay down.
It’s 2:45 now. Still slow but functional. Cherie returned the call I made about cooking the cabbage rolls. I am surprised I was able to call the lawyer for Wayne and communicate but she had a hard time or I did understanding. She asked lots of questions I did not have an answer to. I set up an appointment. Tried to call Wayne about it but his line was busy. After trying for 45 minutes I called Sharon and asked her to knock on his door and hang the phone up figuring he had knocked it off the hook. He called and said he had been talking to his friend. I was short with him, probably cause I feel rough. Not good but part of this TBI thing.
Fixed the melted peanut butter on toast with honey thing I like. Cherie got worried when I told her I didn’t do the test but I told her to relax. This being slow sucks. I read what I wrote earlier and it is not well said. Oh well I know what I was trying to say. I give and will go back to bed. It is 3:00 and this is all I got done. Not productive. Still peeing out all the tea I drank earlier. Took my second pill.
I was still slow when Cherie came home but better. We ate the rolled cabbage she got at K&J that I put in the stove earlier. It was good but of course made better by her company. We watched the news on hurricane Rita and had some ice cream. After that Cherie reminded me that I had put going to the storage unit on the calendar so we went. I had forgotten about it but that is what I seem to do best. As usual if something isn’t written down it doesn’t happen. There is so much I want to do like call my kids but it never happens because I don’t schedule it in the calendar. At the storage unit we cleaned out the trunk and I found a bottle of oil so I checked it. The dipstick was absolutely dry. I had heard the motor a few days ago and was going to check it but forgot as usual. I did remember to schedule taking Cherie to work and then having the oil changed. This is the frustrating part. I have these bright moments where I remember stuff like that and have learned to act while the thought is there but then it vanishes again. I put 3 quarts in the car before it registered full which means it was running on one quart or so of oil. That is right on the edge of blowing the motor entirely which would put us in a bad bad position. She owes $3000.00 on the car after paying on it for five years. She owes more than it is worth.
So far so good I woke up lucid and have showered and fixed breakfast already. I hope this lasts all day but never know.
Just called Molly at Swan Cove apartments and we talked for a while about Wayne’s needs and then Sharon’s difficulties regarding their housing. Molly had some good suggestions on how I can work on this. There is little doubt that I need an education on section 8 and LMHA. Some of the things she suggested I have known I needed to do for a while but like everything else I forget and don’t follow through. The depression has been a hindrance as well. After the rejection of those I had looked up to at church I just gave up on being anything of significance and retreated into my shell. Time to change that. Still have to fight this disability and keep going.
This morning I will take Fred to MCO for his blood test and then go downtown to see if I can piss in a bottle. I am not slow like I was yesterday so figure it will work out. I am not looking forward to talking to Fred but at least I am lucid so should be better able to control my emotions.
Allen called yesterday to let me know he had flooded his place so wouldn’t need my help. I feel bad about his flood but appreciate the time he freed up for me. He said he got distracted and left his water on till it flooded the whole place. I hope he didn’t take too many pain pills this time. His whole place is full of cigarette burns where he dropped them and evidently forgot or nodded off. You can see from the length of the burns how entire cigarettes just sat there burning. It’s scary to see and I worry because if it is from the pills he is taking way too many.
Speak of the devil. As I was writing the last sentence Allen called and asked if I knew anywhere he could get some pain meds. I told him no because I no longer run in those circles and haven’t for four years now. Besides I don’t think I would even if I could because I am sure he is now feeding an addiction instead of treating his pain. That moves it from being medication to it being poison. You don’t give your friend poison.
Fred apologized for yesterday with a quick statement during a conversation about something unrelated. Just four words muttered almost under his breath “I’m sorry about yesterday”. That works for me just fine. I did tell him that the only thing I will do for Barb is necessities such as food and medical, no fluff like haircuts. I asked if he has called her on her phone and he has which means she did get it back.
His blood test did not take long. I had to register him on the phone because he can’t read his insurance card. After I took him to the Pharm and helped him buy food. He needs to eat more vegetables because he has an iron deficiency but he doesn’t like them.
I drank a pitcher of tea and the same amount of water in preparation for my piss test, figuring it would help. A few minutes before I was going to head downtown I could feel the headache that is a precursor to a slow down coming. Earlier when I took Fred to the Pharm I had no limp at all but that was changing as I walked out to the car. By the time I was on the road I could tell it was coming on fast. I drove up to the drug test facility and just parked outside. It was about twenty till twelve, which is when they close today and I did not seem to need to use the bathroom. With the slow down I really did not feel sitting there trying to work up the ability to pee knowing I would not be able to. Besides I avoid outside contact at these times. I may get in trouble for it but I gave up and went home. I’ve been taking these tests for two years and don’t think I have missed one.
I know I am clean but that doesn’t matter. If it is an issue I will gladly pay for a hair test which will give them about a six month record to prove it. I am again having difficulty writing and want to hide in the bed as I do when the migraine gets bad. All noises are loud and lights bright so I put on easy listening stuff low to kind of mask that and help me distress. Driving home was rough. I just coasted along instead of my usually more aggressive style. No surprises or quick thinking needed. This is getting worse. I so wanted to work on the website but not now. Hopefully this slowdown will go as quickly as it came. I also need to work on Wayne and Sharon’s housing needs but must put that on hold also. It is getting hot so I suppose I should turn on the air. I am done for now. Will lay down.
It’s 2:45 now. Still slow but functional. Cherie returned the call I made about cooking the cabbage rolls. I am surprised I was able to call the lawyer for Wayne and communicate but she had a hard time or I did understanding. She asked lots of questions I did not have an answer to. I set up an appointment. Tried to call Wayne about it but his line was busy. After trying for 45 minutes I called Sharon and asked her to knock on his door and hang the phone up figuring he had knocked it off the hook. He called and said he had been talking to his friend. I was short with him, probably cause I feel rough. Not good but part of this TBI thing.
Fixed the melted peanut butter on toast with honey thing I like. Cherie got worried when I told her I didn’t do the test but I told her to relax. This being slow sucks. I read what I wrote earlier and it is not well said. Oh well I know what I was trying to say. I give and will go back to bed. It is 3:00 and this is all I got done. Not productive. Still peeing out all the tea I drank earlier. Took my second pill.
I was still slow when Cherie came home but better. We ate the rolled cabbage she got at K&J that I put in the stove earlier. It was good but of course made better by her company. We watched the news on hurricane Rita and had some ice cream. After that Cherie reminded me that I had put going to the storage unit on the calendar so we went. I had forgotten about it but that is what I seem to do best. As usual if something isn’t written down it doesn’t happen. There is so much I want to do like call my kids but it never happens because I don’t schedule it in the calendar. At the storage unit we cleaned out the trunk and I found a bottle of oil so I checked it. The dipstick was absolutely dry. I had heard the motor a few days ago and was going to check it but forgot as usual. I did remember to schedule taking Cherie to work and then having the oil changed. This is the frustrating part. I have these bright moments where I remember stuff like that and have learned to act while the thought is there but then it vanishes again. I put 3 quarts in the car before it registered full which means it was running on one quart or so of oil. That is right on the edge of blowing the motor entirely which would put us in a bad bad position. She owes $3000.00 on the car after paying on it for five years. She owes more than it is worth.
92005 Tuesday
9/20/05 Tuesday
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
92005 Tuesday
9/20/05 Tuesday
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
Monday, September 19, 2005
91905 Monday
9/19/05 Monday
This morning started out well. I woke up with the brain operating at a seven or so. I was scheduled to get Sharon to the Zeph Center so her doctor could help her with the withdrawals from Paxil. She called and talked to Cherie who answered the phone. Cherie was late for work cause Sharon just talks and talks and Cherie is to nice to say “I got to go”. Sharon had decided not to go till she could call and find out if the doc was in. The doc won’t be in till tomorrow morning and Sharon has enough meds to last till then.
I think to myself that I will have a day to myself and may actually get things done on the book, blog, and maybe explore creating a web page. Last night I looked at programs available on this laptop. There is tons of stuff that can be useful if I learn how to use it. The Microsoft Office program again came up with it’s message that I have to activate it. I’ve been activating it with no luck and now it says I have done so too many times. I called the phone number given, which directed me to one of the call centers in India. The lady was a bit hard to understand but we got it all fixed, at least I think so but time will tell.
As I am telling myself I need to approach these tasks such as writing the book as a job the phone rings. It is Dave who starts asking me if I have much to do today or tomorrow or anytime. “What do you need Dave?” I asked. His van broke down and he needs me to fix it again. I explained my tools are in Cherie’s car and I wouldn’t be able to spend all day on it but would come out and look at it. He gave me a place to stay when I was on the street so it is the least I can do. Actually I would do it any way cause that’s me. Time to go. The sooner I leave the sooner I get back. Chow.
Dave’s van requires more than I could do at this time. It was good to visit him and I will research his vehicle and return Friday to work on it. I got home in time to see Cherie and then went over to the Distillery to get lunch. Had a couple of beers with the hamburger and am now tired. I completed some surveys on the net and I think I will lay down now.
I napped till about 5:00 when Cherie came home from work. The headache is back with the slow down it often heralds. I took some aspirin and a Tramadol. It is frustrating when I lose my prime times like I did this morning. There is a balance I must reach but don’t quite know how because peoples needs often come up without warning. Those who judged me because I do not have a regular job do not realize I do work hard and make sacrifices for others. Of course I don’t get a pay check but I do get paid in a way some won’t understand. I live by my philosophies. I don’t just say what sounds good to impress others but practice what I say. Like I carved on the plaque I made as I recovered in St. Louis “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has real lasting value is the lives you touch.”
While I am thinking about it I should write about the invitation that was E mailed to me from Donna at Cedar Creek. I may have already written about it but cannot remember. I think she messed up and sent it to me by accident for I really suspect that if I showed up it would bother them greatly. I kind of want to go to meet the others in the Life Support group I had started to get to know. Of course I don’t remember any of their names except the leader Dave and maybe the tall guy who’s name may be Troy.
Fred called and needs to go to MCO for a blood test so I will take him Wednesday morning. That is much more important than helping Allen so I will push his time up.
I so wish I was up to speed right now but even the last two paragraphs have come slow, taking an hour with me having to use spell check often. Cherie went to buy some stuff she needs and I suspect that if she was here to talk with me my voice would have that sound I don’t like. I don’t know how to describe it. Kind of like a child with Down’s Syndrome or something. At its worst I stutter. Typing is hard. I have to be very deliberate and often use the wrong word and punch the wrong key as I spell. I won’t quit and won’t go back to bed.
No body is reading the blog or at least making comments. Of course I haven’t told anyone where to access it except Jill and the other lady I met at the MS luncheon. I kind of wanted to have it figured out and put together right before I announced the blog to all I know.
This morning I was learning again how to back up stuff to a CD but I will have to do it all over again. I did learn that I can’t write on a DVD or at least I don’t think so. That would mean the packs of blank DVD’s I have are useless. The device in this laptop will write CD’s and play DVD’s so I assumed it could write on the DVD. I told Cherie I need to take classes on computer stuff. If I practice something it usually stays, at least for a while but will fade if I don’t keep doing it.
I am afraid. As I struggle to write this my fear is there will come a time that I will be stuck at this level of cognizance or worse with out the bright spots. Cherie just came in and I was right about my voice.
I tried and tried to back up this journal to the CD. It just tells me the drive is not available. I give. I hate when I slow down. Feel stupid.
This morning started out well. I woke up with the brain operating at a seven or so. I was scheduled to get Sharon to the Zeph Center so her doctor could help her with the withdrawals from Paxil. She called and talked to Cherie who answered the phone. Cherie was late for work cause Sharon just talks and talks and Cherie is to nice to say “I got to go”. Sharon had decided not to go till she could call and find out if the doc was in. The doc won’t be in till tomorrow morning and Sharon has enough meds to last till then.
I think to myself that I will have a day to myself and may actually get things done on the book, blog, and maybe explore creating a web page. Last night I looked at programs available on this laptop. There is tons of stuff that can be useful if I learn how to use it. The Microsoft Office program again came up with it’s message that I have to activate it. I’ve been activating it with no luck and now it says I have done so too many times. I called the phone number given, which directed me to one of the call centers in India. The lady was a bit hard to understand but we got it all fixed, at least I think so but time will tell.
As I am telling myself I need to approach these tasks such as writing the book as a job the phone rings. It is Dave who starts asking me if I have much to do today or tomorrow or anytime. “What do you need Dave?” I asked. His van broke down and he needs me to fix it again. I explained my tools are in Cherie’s car and I wouldn’t be able to spend all day on it but would come out and look at it. He gave me a place to stay when I was on the street so it is the least I can do. Actually I would do it any way cause that’s me. Time to go. The sooner I leave the sooner I get back. Chow.
Dave’s van requires more than I could do at this time. It was good to visit him and I will research his vehicle and return Friday to work on it. I got home in time to see Cherie and then went over to the Distillery to get lunch. Had a couple of beers with the hamburger and am now tired. I completed some surveys on the net and I think I will lay down now.
I napped till about 5:00 when Cherie came home from work. The headache is back with the slow down it often heralds. I took some aspirin and a Tramadol. It is frustrating when I lose my prime times like I did this morning. There is a balance I must reach but don’t quite know how because peoples needs often come up without warning. Those who judged me because I do not have a regular job do not realize I do work hard and make sacrifices for others. Of course I don’t get a pay check but I do get paid in a way some won’t understand. I live by my philosophies. I don’t just say what sounds good to impress others but practice what I say. Like I carved on the plaque I made as I recovered in St. Louis “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has real lasting value is the lives you touch.”
While I am thinking about it I should write about the invitation that was E mailed to me from Donna at Cedar Creek. I may have already written about it but cannot remember. I think she messed up and sent it to me by accident for I really suspect that if I showed up it would bother them greatly. I kind of want to go to meet the others in the Life Support group I had started to get to know. Of course I don’t remember any of their names except the leader Dave and maybe the tall guy who’s name may be Troy.
Fred called and needs to go to MCO for a blood test so I will take him Wednesday morning. That is much more important than helping Allen so I will push his time up.
I so wish I was up to speed right now but even the last two paragraphs have come slow, taking an hour with me having to use spell check often. Cherie went to buy some stuff she needs and I suspect that if she was here to talk with me my voice would have that sound I don’t like. I don’t know how to describe it. Kind of like a child with Down’s Syndrome or something. At its worst I stutter. Typing is hard. I have to be very deliberate and often use the wrong word and punch the wrong key as I spell. I won’t quit and won’t go back to bed.
No body is reading the blog or at least making comments. Of course I haven’t told anyone where to access it except Jill and the other lady I met at the MS luncheon. I kind of wanted to have it figured out and put together right before I announced the blog to all I know.
This morning I was learning again how to back up stuff to a CD but I will have to do it all over again. I did learn that I can’t write on a DVD or at least I don’t think so. That would mean the packs of blank DVD’s I have are useless. The device in this laptop will write CD’s and play DVD’s so I assumed it could write on the DVD. I told Cherie I need to take classes on computer stuff. If I practice something it usually stays, at least for a while but will fade if I don’t keep doing it.
I am afraid. As I struggle to write this my fear is there will come a time that I will be stuck at this level of cognizance or worse with out the bright spots. Cherie just came in and I was right about my voice.
I tried and tried to back up this journal to the CD. It just tells me the drive is not available. I give. I hate when I slow down. Feel stupid.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
91705 Saturday
9/17/05 Saturday
It has been interesting as always. I am fixing to go to Sharon’s to give her information on the Paxil she can no longer get. When I went on the net it became clear that her problems with that drug are common and dangerous. There are many lawsuits going on so I hope to get her on board that train. Hopefully when I get back I will be cognizant enough to fill in today’s events.
It is 7:20 and I just got home. This has been an interesting day and I have much to write while I am still sharp. The day started with me taking Fred to pick up Barb and get her to the dentist. While we headed over to Barb’s I mentioned that Basil still lived there. Fred got upset and said he didn’t want to hear it so I shut up.
We got Barb to the dentist and waited outside. She went in and came back out in just a few minutes telling us the office was packed and she was told they are running behind. She started needling Fred to buy her some coffee. After a while he gave in so I started up the car and headed out to find a carry out or someplace that sold coffee. That done we went back to the dentist and again stayed in the car when Barb went in. We waited an hour and a half getting more and more impatient as time ticked by. Finally Barb came out so we left to go to Kroger where Fred was going to buy Barb groceries. I had already advised him this was just enabling her to be wasteful and probably get more drugs. He had tried to disguise the fact he was doing the shopping for her but I pretty much knew it all along.
In Kroger Barb was not listening to Fred and getting as much as she could, taking advantage of the fact he could not see. I had left them to themselves and walked around the store to give them breathing room. When I came back it changed quickly as I would tell Fred the prices. Barb would go off and bring packages back, trying to slip them into the shopping cart like a kid sneaking candy. Fred was getting tired so I motivated things to get this finished.
With that done Fred took us to Red Wells where he told Barb not to go overboard cause he did not have much money. This time Barb actually listened and just got a roast beef sandwich. As we ate I asked Barb again how much money she got a month for food. She had avoided answering that before but couldn’t now. It was $200.00 so I asked if Basil was giving her money to cover his food. Barb had been talking about how Basil was working today and left at seven. Fred finally heard and angrily asked Barb if Basil was still living with her. She wouldn’t answer so I told her she better tell the truth because I already knew the answer. Now Fred understood Barb had been steadily lying to him and it crushed him. He looked at me and said he was the biggest sap in the world.
Now Barb, seeing her lies exposed, started backpedaling hard and then in anger told me “I don’t talk about you so why are you talking about me?”. I told her that the truth is the truth and she could talk about me all she wanted. She tried to get Fred upset at me telling him I used pot, I didn’t work and was leaching off my wife, and anything else she could think of. I just laughed. We got her home and I carried in her food and left. Fred was demolished as he realized how he had been used. He cares for her and I told him I would still take her to necessary appointments but he needed to make her responsible for her money because she got plenty for her food. He agreed but I think he will relent as she pulls her “I’m starving” guilt trip.
Back home Cherie called me to let me know Sharon had called from the hospital and needed a ride home. She had gone into the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning because of the withdrawals from the Paxil that the pharmacy’s no longer seemed to have. Eventually Sharon called me and asked me if I could print out the internet stuff on Paxil I had looked up for her the other day. I did so and found this was a national problem with major lawsuits all across the country. I downloaded lots of stuff including phone numbers of law firms handling the suits.
I took this to her and we talked about it. She is in bad shape. The hospital was clueless about these issues and apparently so are most medical professionals, including pharmacists. The drug company has been keeping this under wraps despite pulling it off the shelves and leaving thousands of those who required medication for depression to go through nasty withdrawals. Not good but not unusual for the drug companies who are milking the world for all they can get. No honor or integrity here.
After talking with Sharon I went down and visited with Wayne. Some friends of his son were visiting and we ended up talking about God. I taught them for two hours, answering questions and I guess counseling also. Then Cherie called to see what happened to me. I then realized what time it was and excused myself to go home where Cherie was fixing chicken enchiladas. Now I am tired and will call it a day.
9/18/05 Sunday
I am not real speedy this morning and maybe depressed.
Cherie had lots she wanted to do so I told her to stay home instead of going to church. I went to make sure Bill got my community support report and kind of wanted to see if he had any feed back on my comments to him Wednesday. I didn’t get a chance to talk but I did leave my report. I talked to the couple who sat in front of me. I could tell they were not well off which made me more comfortable with them. The guys name is John I think but I can’t remember the woman’s name (I presume she is his wife)
I had Cherie buy steaks yesterday so we could cook out for Wayne so I picked him up after church. I decided we would do this at our apartment cause I have no interest cooking outdoors at Wayne’s due to the drugs and characters there. It went well but I put a DVD on this computer so we could watch it. I suppose I should buy a regular DVD player for our TV cause this isn’t conducive to an audience.
We watched the Aviator about Howard Hughes. It started out ok but got pretty boring and slow. I was getting tired and didn’t want to be rude so hung in there as the movie seemed to drone on forever. I finally asked Wayne if it was boring him and told him I would just give him the DVD to take home. He was bored and had wanted to go home but was being polite also.
It has been interesting as always. I am fixing to go to Sharon’s to give her information on the Paxil she can no longer get. When I went on the net it became clear that her problems with that drug are common and dangerous. There are many lawsuits going on so I hope to get her on board that train. Hopefully when I get back I will be cognizant enough to fill in today’s events.
It is 7:20 and I just got home. This has been an interesting day and I have much to write while I am still sharp. The day started with me taking Fred to pick up Barb and get her to the dentist. While we headed over to Barb’s I mentioned that Basil still lived there. Fred got upset and said he didn’t want to hear it so I shut up.
We got Barb to the dentist and waited outside. She went in and came back out in just a few minutes telling us the office was packed and she was told they are running behind. She started needling Fred to buy her some coffee. After a while he gave in so I started up the car and headed out to find a carry out or someplace that sold coffee. That done we went back to the dentist and again stayed in the car when Barb went in. We waited an hour and a half getting more and more impatient as time ticked by. Finally Barb came out so we left to go to Kroger where Fred was going to buy Barb groceries. I had already advised him this was just enabling her to be wasteful and probably get more drugs. He had tried to disguise the fact he was doing the shopping for her but I pretty much knew it all along.
In Kroger Barb was not listening to Fred and getting as much as she could, taking advantage of the fact he could not see. I had left them to themselves and walked around the store to give them breathing room. When I came back it changed quickly as I would tell Fred the prices. Barb would go off and bring packages back, trying to slip them into the shopping cart like a kid sneaking candy. Fred was getting tired so I motivated things to get this finished.
With that done Fred took us to Red Wells where he told Barb not to go overboard cause he did not have much money. This time Barb actually listened and just got a roast beef sandwich. As we ate I asked Barb again how much money she got a month for food. She had avoided answering that before but couldn’t now. It was $200.00 so I asked if Basil was giving her money to cover his food. Barb had been talking about how Basil was working today and left at seven. Fred finally heard and angrily asked Barb if Basil was still living with her. She wouldn’t answer so I told her she better tell the truth because I already knew the answer. Now Fred understood Barb had been steadily lying to him and it crushed him. He looked at me and said he was the biggest sap in the world.
Now Barb, seeing her lies exposed, started backpedaling hard and then in anger told me “I don’t talk about you so why are you talking about me?”. I told her that the truth is the truth and she could talk about me all she wanted. She tried to get Fred upset at me telling him I used pot, I didn’t work and was leaching off my wife, and anything else she could think of. I just laughed. We got her home and I carried in her food and left. Fred was demolished as he realized how he had been used. He cares for her and I told him I would still take her to necessary appointments but he needed to make her responsible for her money because she got plenty for her food. He agreed but I think he will relent as she pulls her “I’m starving” guilt trip.
Back home Cherie called me to let me know Sharon had called from the hospital and needed a ride home. She had gone into the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning because of the withdrawals from the Paxil that the pharmacy’s no longer seemed to have. Eventually Sharon called me and asked me if I could print out the internet stuff on Paxil I had looked up for her the other day. I did so and found this was a national problem with major lawsuits all across the country. I downloaded lots of stuff including phone numbers of law firms handling the suits.
I took this to her and we talked about it. She is in bad shape. The hospital was clueless about these issues and apparently so are most medical professionals, including pharmacists. The drug company has been keeping this under wraps despite pulling it off the shelves and leaving thousands of those who required medication for depression to go through nasty withdrawals. Not good but not unusual for the drug companies who are milking the world for all they can get. No honor or integrity here.
After talking with Sharon I went down and visited with Wayne. Some friends of his son were visiting and we ended up talking about God. I taught them for two hours, answering questions and I guess counseling also. Then Cherie called to see what happened to me. I then realized what time it was and excused myself to go home where Cherie was fixing chicken enchiladas. Now I am tired and will call it a day.
9/18/05 Sunday
I am not real speedy this morning and maybe depressed.
Cherie had lots she wanted to do so I told her to stay home instead of going to church. I went to make sure Bill got my community support report and kind of wanted to see if he had any feed back on my comments to him Wednesday. I didn’t get a chance to talk but I did leave my report. I talked to the couple who sat in front of me. I could tell they were not well off which made me more comfortable with them. The guys name is John I think but I can’t remember the woman’s name (I presume she is his wife)
I had Cherie buy steaks yesterday so we could cook out for Wayne so I picked him up after church. I decided we would do this at our apartment cause I have no interest cooking outdoors at Wayne’s due to the drugs and characters there. It went well but I put a DVD on this computer so we could watch it. I suppose I should buy a regular DVD player for our TV cause this isn’t conducive to an audience.
We watched the Aviator about Howard Hughes. It started out ok but got pretty boring and slow. I was getting tired and didn’t want to be rude so hung in there as the movie seemed to drone on forever. I finally asked Wayne if it was boring him and told him I would just give him the DVD to take home. He was bored and had wanted to go home but was being polite also.
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