92205 Thursday

9/22/05 Thursday
     Cherie and I are both tired this morning. I had those vivid dreams again. Can’t remember them now but know I had them. I was thinking I would not have to go anywhere when someone called to ask if we were still going to “do that”. I asked who was calling and it was Sharon. She said I was going to drive her to the bank so she could cash her check. I am glad she called because it totally escaped my mind. I remember now. Better get showered and take my pill.
     The last two days have been especially hard. The partial seizures, what I call slow downs, have come quicker, lasted longer, and have made me mentally slower than usual. I hope this trend will end. I write this hoping I will be able to relay it to the doctors I see every six months or so for neurology at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. Every time I see a doc they ask me questions that I can’t remember the answers to. It makes it impossible for them to do their job. That is one of the reasons I do this journal but how can they read it? It is nearly 600 pages long and covers all of my life not just medical issues. I have taken this laptop in but they didn’t take me up on the offer to read it.
     Last night I saw a blog that interested me and tried four times to place a comment on it with no success. I hate being unable to figure out simple things especially when this brain of mine appears to still work well in other areas. Just can’t seem to get past being confused and frustrated as I have to relearn what I learned minutes before. There are times I can do well but not recently. I forget the instructions I read seconds before I try to apply them so I find myself repeating the same error over and over again. Hope I have a good day but am starting out a little slow.
     It’s 1:00 now. I got Sharon to the bank ok. She is having a hard time with the withdrawals from Paxil and is worrying what she will do when she runs out of what they got for her at the emergency room. The nurse at Zeph Center had her cut the twenty milligram pills into four pieces. This helped relieve the symptoms some but not all the way. Her fear is that when she runs out of the pieces the withdrawals will return full force so I worked to allay those fears explaining that her body was getting used to less of the drug and that the withdrawals will be much less. I don’t really know but I do know it works that way with heroin and other drugs. Hope I am right.
     When she got done at the bank I asked her where else she would like to go. She said she wanted a bottle but I told her no. In that discussion I let her know that alcohol is not an answer to this withdrawal and the accompanying depression but that it would only make things worse. I have been an alcoholic and been around many. While there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner drinking alone is a real bad sign so I would not help her get a “bottle” in any way.
     This said she asked if I would take her to get cigarettes. That I will do because I know the nicotine will help keep her frayed nerves together and the withdrawal from nicotine is the last thing she needs. I dropped her off and called Allen on the way home to see if he still needed help.
     He said he had not slept all night and had been throwing up. “I don’t know why cause I didn’t eat but one thing and it couldn’t have been bad”. I told him it wasn’t what he ate and he got defensive “What do you mean it wasn’t what I ate? What do you think it was?”. I said I would tell him later but he called me back and said he changed his mind and was in too bad a shape for me to come over. I know he had called me looking for pain killers and am fairly certain he is going through withdrawals. I told him he needs to break down and get professional help for his pain. He has been avoiding that because he has no insurance and knows surgery is the most likely cure for his neck and pack. He can’t work in his vocation as a sheetmetal worker because of his pain and let his union dues lapse. It is tough when circumstances make you poor.
     Despite my concern for him I was glad to get a break and went to Kroger for groceries. By now I have sharpened up mentally but the leg is extra numb and I am limping bad. It is so strange how parts of my body work and others don’t at the whim of whatever it is that controls this. Everything shifts around in a constant state of flux.
     As I shopped I felt that rare sensation of hunger. This is another thing that comes and goes along with other senses such as taste and smell. Being hungry in a grocery store can be a dangerous thing with me. I bought all kinds of stuff and plan on cooking a great meal for Cherie and I to enjoy together. Hope I have the energy and mental sharpness to accomplish that. I picked up some milk for Fred along with all kinds of things like avocados and tomatillas with a Mexican meal in mind.
     I got home right when Cherie came home for lunch. We got the food upstairs and fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherie left for work and I started getting stuff put away. Fred called and asked if I was still going to take Barb to the church for the food hand out. I told him I won’t so he asked why despite the fact I had explained it yesterday. I explained again that Barb needs to learn to take care of herself and be responsible with what she has. She gets plenty of money for food and Fred buys her $150 of food on top of that. Basil, who lives with her and has a good job needs to be contributing also. Fred knew better than to argue so I told him I would call Barb and tell her so she would be mad at me, not him. I did and it was a short conversation. “Barb, it’s Bob. I’m not going to take you to the church tomorrow” She hung up without a word. She already knew cause Fred called her. She has to learn because Fred won’t always be there and neither will I. “What’s she going to do when your gone Fred?” I had asked. I told him the biggest favor he could do for her was force her to learn how to handle her money.
     I am tired now. The brain is still functioning good just the body seems fatigued. Need to wash the dishes and get cooking because if I lay down that’s all she wrote.
     OK. That was a good run but I am slowing down. Got most of the dishes don’t but the back pain always is aggravated when I stand at the sink. It is the same as when I sit here and type. Just the slight slouch as I do these tasks is what sets it off. I called Cherie to ask her where the two frozen pie crusts were. She told me we had used them a long time ago. I didn’t remember that at all, just remembered I bought them and needed to use them. Oh well, another event in the life of a man with a poor memory. I remember some stuff but not others. I am slowing down now so will lay down. This is getting hard to write. This sucks.
     I am grateful. I laid down for about 45 minutes and it helped, I guess you could say I got a second wind. I saw a cooking show and she was cooking Mexican food. She made a dessert who’s name escapes me that looked good and was simple to make, so simple I remember it for the moment.
     Here it goes. Into a blender she put a can of something called Media Crème, a can of evaporated milk, can of condensed milk, three whole eggs, and three egg yolks. She blended that good and made some caramel which she coated a glass pie pan with and after letting that cool she poured the mix in it. That was put in a water bath (like a double boiler) and in an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
     I went to Miejer to see if they had the Media stuff but they didn’t so I guess I won’t be making that. While it is on my mind I should write something else I did today. Before I went to get Sharon I stopped by the bank to get some advice on Cherie’s car. The best thing for us to do is trade it in on another car before the bankruptcy becomes official. Well I got to cook cause I’m the one who bought all this stuff.