92005 Tuesday

9/20/05 Tuesday
     It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
     When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
     What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
     I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
     Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
     I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
     When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
     After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
     When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
     I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
     Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
     I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
     I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
     Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
     I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
     The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
     Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up  all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.