9/30/05 Friday
Oh well. I never got to work on the website. Can’t remember what I did but that’s ok. I am up and the brain is operating real good, about an 8. Love it and hope it continues all day. Sharon called at about 6:45 to say she wouldn’t be able to do laundry as scheduled this morning because she did not have the right sleeping pills from the pharmacy or something like that. Regardless she did not sleep all night so that was it. If Barb is still sick like she told Fred yesterday she may cancel as well. This would be great timing if my brain continues to operate at this level because I will get much done.
I met with Jeff for our Friday morning breakfast. I told him how sharp the brain was, that I was operating at an 8 or 9 on the Bob scale. I told him I call these moments “Prime time” and never knew how long they would last. It was noticeable to him and we had a good conversation about things I no longer remember. He did bring me the book they are using at the home group to study the parables of Jesus. I promised to return it by Monday along with a paper on the parable they will hit next week. It is my way of trying to help those who had rejected me, of still participating, only doing it anonymously. Probably stupid and wouldn’t be appreciated but I try to be right and act in a way I won’t be ashamed of. I don’t care what others think of me just live a life that follows my philosophy.
I took Barb, Dee, and Dawn to the Pilgrim church for the food hand out. Getting there early worked well cause they filled the trunk and were able to get meat along with canned and dry goods. I need to get Wayne registered here cause it would help him a lot. He only gets $150 in food stamps a month and $115 in cash. That’s pretty slim, especially when they take out $25 of it for rent. He is a perfect example of who these programs were designed for but there are many taking advantage of it who are not doing bad at all.
After taking Barb and gang home I went over to Wayne’s to take him to a laundry mat. We found one next to where I take him for haircuts and we discovered that the barber had closed the business because she broke her wrist. I did some shopping while Wayne did his laundry and then took him home. I was starting to feel tired so declined his offer to stay and visit.
It is 1:00. I just got home. Did well till now. These things can come in quick. It was an instant headache with the kind of dizziness that is hard for me to describe. My head feels full, kind of pressurized. Spell check has corrected four misspellings in just these three lines. Make that four. I think I will take my seizure pill early now along with aspirin and tramadol. Was hoping to get some writing done. Maybe later. It is frustrating to have used my prime time driving others around. Will lay down now.
I think I know why this one was so bad. When I went to get my second pill I saw that I didn’t take the first one. I know I have partial seizures all the time, sometimes several in a day and sometimes none. This tells me that the pills do much to help control them, perhaps more than I thought. Right now it is like I have been drinking. Not good. Ears ringing. Definitely lay down time. Hope the pill takes effect soon. These are the times I don’t drive.
It is now 1:00 in the morning. I just woke up and decided to finish this entry, partly because it has been an unusual day and also to record it for the doctors. I seldom forget times like this but one of the reasons I keep a journal is to document events related to the brain injury.
I had laid down till around 3:30 when I forced myself to get up. I had wanted to fix a nice dinner for Cherie and needed to buy some ingredients for the Ozark pudding I had planned to make to use the apples that were getting old. One of the new shows on TV I find fascinating because of the role reversals it portrays. The name of the show escapes me now but it is the one about the woman becoming president. Her husband is now taking the role of “First Lady” and it is absolutely a riot as the Whitehouse aid who is showing him his duties repeatedly calls him that.
Because of my disability I now am the house husband. While some I know on the East side had kind of made fun, making veiled comments on the femininity of me keeping house, I find no shame in this. Not only am I grateful just to have a place to live but I am grateful for life period, no matter what form it takes. I love Cherie intensely and get great pleasure out of doing things for her like fixing a nice dinner, knowing that after a hard day of work it will bring a smile to her face.
I went to Meijer’s to get what I needed. When I got there and started walking through the isles I realized I probably should have stayed home. The right side is always affected when I have these events and that was especially true today. Walking was tough and most people just flew past me as I shuffled along hanging on to the cart. The right arm began to get real tired as if I was carrying a weight though all I was doing was pushing a shopping cart. Getting the ingredients I needed I pushed to get out.
The guy at the check out asked the standard question “How are you doing today?” I usually say something positive like “I woke up so that’s all I need for a good day”. This time I just said I was having a rough time. “I’m sorry” he dutifully said so I explained the paralysis and my belief that I am doing real good, all things considered. We talked as he checked out the items I was purchasing so I filled him in on how I had been in the coma and also how Cherie and I had met after 20 years and just remarried last year. I am sure I talk about this too much but I don’t care. It seems to bless those who hear it.
As I was getting into the car Ahmed called and asked if I could give him a ride home. It was good timing from the standpoint I was already out and about in the car. I had told him to do this after he was told he couldn’t park his semi at the apartment and he couldn’t find a place for it nearby. He was at the truck stop at the turnpike and 280. He was grateful for the ride and I let him pay me. He told me about lots of the problems he encounters as a long haul truck driver and how companies such as truck repair take advantage of those on the road.
When we got home I gave him the bag of what I had thought were dates and he laughed. They weren’t dates at all, they were dried figs. No wonder I didn’t like them. Being Lebanese Ahmed was well acquainted with dates and had two varieties with him that he let me try. This is what I had remembered dates were and had presumed when I didn’t recognize what Wayne had given me, telling me it was dates, that my memory was faulty from the injury. It was nice to know I had remembered correctly.
Still not feeling well I pushed through to fix the Thai food I had gotten ingredients for and the Ozark pudding. It turned out surprisingly well and we ate it on the bed as we watched the news. These events take a lot out of me so I asked Cherie to clean up and crawled under the covers and went to sleep. Right now the headache is still there and I have a slight nose bleed which I attribute to all the aspirin I took for the headache. I am tired but wanted to get this entry published in case anyone out there reads the blog.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
92905 Thursday
9/29/05 Thursday
It is 5:30 in the morning. I woke up after a strange and disturbing dream. I was in Hearne Texas where my grandmother on my dad’s side was from. There was an election going on and dad was one of those running for office. Carty Finkbiener, the mayoral candidate in Toledo was also running in this election. There was a debate between the candidates at the town hall. I watched my father from across the room as he sat there hoping he would look up and notice I was there supporting him. I had tried to cash a check at a bank machine to donate to his campaign but the machine wouldn’t work right.
The moderator of the debate went with his microphone to where dad was sitting and asked him how he was going to use the contributions to his political debate. Dad answered with the unhappy and angry look on his face that had been there the whole time. “I’m going to spend it on my house and me” he said matter of factly. This was the end of the meeting and Carty smiled as his election was now insured by dad’s misuse of donated funds. Dad walked out of the meeting and I hoped he would look at me but he purposely averted his gaze.
At this point I decided to talk to my dad’s opponent and throw my support to him. When I got there I asked if he knew my mother. He said Lisa had just been talking about her so I asked to see Lisa as I wanted to learn about my mother. It was said that my dad was mean, violent, and had thrown my mother out the window. This Lisa was wheeled up and she was a jack in the box head on a child’s red plastic wagon. I tried to talk to it but there was no response.
Someone handed me a manilla envelope that contained mementos that had belonged to my mom. Everyone grew respectful as I began to go through the contents and cried. The check I tried to write for dad’s campaign came back with a mark that said the machine was unable to process it because of errors.
Then my two boys were there and some crazy skinny girl was babbling about setting fires and tried to light my youngest son, Adams sweater on fire. I got Bruce and Adam out of there and we went to the railroad yards where we decided we needed to go to the other side of the tracks. I was telling them we had to be careful and watch for oncoming trains. Just as we would start across a train would roar by.
I notice Adam is no longer with us so with a feeling of trepidation I begin searching for him. I catch a glimpse of him with the crazy pyro girl who had him captured. I run into the tall wooden tower to rescue him desperately running from room to room. I see every room is drenched with a white flammable substance placed there to create a roaring inferno. When I find Adam, Pyro girl is tying him up with phone cords and runs away. I frantically work to free Adam from all the cords that tied him and finally get the last of it by ripping them from the ceiling. Then I woke up.
Lots of people look for all kinds of meanings in dreams. I know that they are the drifting fragments of what has been on your mind and my thoughts have been on my dad and the boys for some time now. I tried calling Adam, leaving messages on the phone but he never called back. I saw him walking down Lewis Avenue when I was working on Dave’s van and waved, hoping he would come over and visit. He didn’t. I talked to Cherie about having them over for dinner but haven’t followed through. Bruce was busy with his house closing when I talked to him last so asked I give him a few weeks.
Yesterday Sharon called as we were driving to the Wednesday Bible study we attend. She was crying and in a panic because she thought her cat had eaten one of her Zoloft pills. It took some time for me to calm her down and assure her that there was little likely hood that Mitchell would die. We called her a few times to check on her and she seems to have settled down.
At the Bible study I couldn’t help but jump in and expound on my view of the verses they were studying. Afterwards I asked Cherie if I talked too much. It took her a while to answer which tells me I probably did. When we got home Fred was waiting for us to talk about the letter we all got informing us the building was sold to Gerdenich Realty. As I tried to respond to Fred Cherie kept talking over me and I finally got frustrated and said “shut up”. This was wrong especially as one of the other residents was waling by. I feel bad about it and can see the impact it had on her still this morning.
This morning I am not feeling to enthusiastic about anything. Last night on the news Denny Schaefer was on and put in a plug for Mission Toledo saying that they were feeding 165 people in their kitchen. This brings up all the feelings I have and reminds me of how I never completed the research I did on Jim Watson’s history of lying and scamming under the guise of being a noble Christian. I feel guilty for not revealing his deception and using this as a means of income at the expense of those he is to help. I sit here upset at myself and feel kind of useless or something. I can’t think of a word to describe it right now. Kind of slow. Should take my pill and fix something to eat. Just remembered I turned the iron on and forgot it.
I tried calling Sharon but her phone was busy. She called as I was cooking dinner and told me her cat was ok. She had stayed up with it till three in the morning, playing with it. As she talked and talked I had to cut her off and let her know I was in the middle of cooking. After that I called Gerdinich, the new owners of our building to check on our rent check we had already mailed to the previous owners. We were assured there would be no problem so I called Fred to ease his mind. I will print up Gerdinich’s new address in big letters for Fred so he can see it. It wouldn’t hurt to print up mailing labels for him and us. Should look into how to do that.
The back pain is back from sitting at this chair. I need to check into some kind of support for this cause I would like to do lots of writing. Today I am scheduled to take Wayne to the lawyer we found who does Social Security work. Yesterday I was sharp all day and I hope I speed up by the time I pick up Wayne. I’m running at about a 6 on the Bob scale right now. One of the things I worry about is the perception others may get about this. Even though I may be slow it does not mean I become stupid. I always am able to make intelligent decisions and do not become a babbling idiot with psychotic mental instability. It just takes me longer to process information and the part of my brain that took over operating my right side has difficulty doing so resulting in my limp becoming worse. Sometimes it effects my equilibrium so I have to be careful not to trip or fall.
It is 4:11 now. I just got home and am exhausted. The lawyer thing was rough. I was not prepared and tried to negotiate him down from his 25%. He was not keen on it but at least I have a better understanding of what is needed. Right now I have quite a headache and am tired. Wish I could take the herbal medication that works so well but that’s the way it is. I will take a pain pill and aspirin and lay down.
Cherie called while I was coming home and has a chance to work late. She also can work Saturday. I’ll write in this later, to tired now and the cat is bugging me for attention.
I started watching the news and just conked out. Woke up and missed an hour or more. Cherie and I went for a walk at the park and again saw deer. It is getting cool out, nice and brisk. Cherie wanted me to wear long sleeves but because of the changes from the TBI I am not affected by the cold as much as most but heat is hard on me.
I have lots of work to do for Wayne. The lawyer is a survivor of TBI and was banged up worse than I was though he was only in a coma one week. I am impressed at what he did despite his injuries. He became a lawyer after the accident because of his treatment in court as he sued the truck company that smashed into him.
I sent out notices of the blog to most of the people I have addresses for. It will be interesting to see if there is any response. I really don’t expect much cause this journal has to be boring as all get out. I suppose if I would just give short little statements it would be better than all this writing. Most folks have no interest in spending lots of time reading things other than a good novel that keeps their attention. Time to work on the website before the back pain gets to bad.
It is 5:30 in the morning. I woke up after a strange and disturbing dream. I was in Hearne Texas where my grandmother on my dad’s side was from. There was an election going on and dad was one of those running for office. Carty Finkbiener, the mayoral candidate in Toledo was also running in this election. There was a debate between the candidates at the town hall. I watched my father from across the room as he sat there hoping he would look up and notice I was there supporting him. I had tried to cash a check at a bank machine to donate to his campaign but the machine wouldn’t work right.
The moderator of the debate went with his microphone to where dad was sitting and asked him how he was going to use the contributions to his political debate. Dad answered with the unhappy and angry look on his face that had been there the whole time. “I’m going to spend it on my house and me” he said matter of factly. This was the end of the meeting and Carty smiled as his election was now insured by dad’s misuse of donated funds. Dad walked out of the meeting and I hoped he would look at me but he purposely averted his gaze.
At this point I decided to talk to my dad’s opponent and throw my support to him. When I got there I asked if he knew my mother. He said Lisa had just been talking about her so I asked to see Lisa as I wanted to learn about my mother. It was said that my dad was mean, violent, and had thrown my mother out the window. This Lisa was wheeled up and she was a jack in the box head on a child’s red plastic wagon. I tried to talk to it but there was no response.
Someone handed me a manilla envelope that contained mementos that had belonged to my mom. Everyone grew respectful as I began to go through the contents and cried. The check I tried to write for dad’s campaign came back with a mark that said the machine was unable to process it because of errors.
Then my two boys were there and some crazy skinny girl was babbling about setting fires and tried to light my youngest son, Adams sweater on fire. I got Bruce and Adam out of there and we went to the railroad yards where we decided we needed to go to the other side of the tracks. I was telling them we had to be careful and watch for oncoming trains. Just as we would start across a train would roar by.
I notice Adam is no longer with us so with a feeling of trepidation I begin searching for him. I catch a glimpse of him with the crazy pyro girl who had him captured. I run into the tall wooden tower to rescue him desperately running from room to room. I see every room is drenched with a white flammable substance placed there to create a roaring inferno. When I find Adam, Pyro girl is tying him up with phone cords and runs away. I frantically work to free Adam from all the cords that tied him and finally get the last of it by ripping them from the ceiling. Then I woke up.
Lots of people look for all kinds of meanings in dreams. I know that they are the drifting fragments of what has been on your mind and my thoughts have been on my dad and the boys for some time now. I tried calling Adam, leaving messages on the phone but he never called back. I saw him walking down Lewis Avenue when I was working on Dave’s van and waved, hoping he would come over and visit. He didn’t. I talked to Cherie about having them over for dinner but haven’t followed through. Bruce was busy with his house closing when I talked to him last so asked I give him a few weeks.
Yesterday Sharon called as we were driving to the Wednesday Bible study we attend. She was crying and in a panic because she thought her cat had eaten one of her Zoloft pills. It took some time for me to calm her down and assure her that there was little likely hood that Mitchell would die. We called her a few times to check on her and she seems to have settled down.
At the Bible study I couldn’t help but jump in and expound on my view of the verses they were studying. Afterwards I asked Cherie if I talked too much. It took her a while to answer which tells me I probably did. When we got home Fred was waiting for us to talk about the letter we all got informing us the building was sold to Gerdenich Realty. As I tried to respond to Fred Cherie kept talking over me and I finally got frustrated and said “shut up”. This was wrong especially as one of the other residents was waling by. I feel bad about it and can see the impact it had on her still this morning.
This morning I am not feeling to enthusiastic about anything. Last night on the news Denny Schaefer was on and put in a plug for Mission Toledo saying that they were feeding 165 people in their kitchen. This brings up all the feelings I have and reminds me of how I never completed the research I did on Jim Watson’s history of lying and scamming under the guise of being a noble Christian. I feel guilty for not revealing his deception and using this as a means of income at the expense of those he is to help. I sit here upset at myself and feel kind of useless or something. I can’t think of a word to describe it right now. Kind of slow. Should take my pill and fix something to eat. Just remembered I turned the iron on and forgot it.
I tried calling Sharon but her phone was busy. She called as I was cooking dinner and told me her cat was ok. She had stayed up with it till three in the morning, playing with it. As she talked and talked I had to cut her off and let her know I was in the middle of cooking. After that I called Gerdinich, the new owners of our building to check on our rent check we had already mailed to the previous owners. We were assured there would be no problem so I called Fred to ease his mind. I will print up Gerdinich’s new address in big letters for Fred so he can see it. It wouldn’t hurt to print up mailing labels for him and us. Should look into how to do that.
The back pain is back from sitting at this chair. I need to check into some kind of support for this cause I would like to do lots of writing. Today I am scheduled to take Wayne to the lawyer we found who does Social Security work. Yesterday I was sharp all day and I hope I speed up by the time I pick up Wayne. I’m running at about a 6 on the Bob scale right now. One of the things I worry about is the perception others may get about this. Even though I may be slow it does not mean I become stupid. I always am able to make intelligent decisions and do not become a babbling idiot with psychotic mental instability. It just takes me longer to process information and the part of my brain that took over operating my right side has difficulty doing so resulting in my limp becoming worse. Sometimes it effects my equilibrium so I have to be careful not to trip or fall.
It is 4:11 now. I just got home and am exhausted. The lawyer thing was rough. I was not prepared and tried to negotiate him down from his 25%. He was not keen on it but at least I have a better understanding of what is needed. Right now I have quite a headache and am tired. Wish I could take the herbal medication that works so well but that’s the way it is. I will take a pain pill and aspirin and lay down.
Cherie called while I was coming home and has a chance to work late. She also can work Saturday. I’ll write in this later, to tired now and the cat is bugging me for attention.
I started watching the news and just conked out. Woke up and missed an hour or more. Cherie and I went for a walk at the park and again saw deer. It is getting cool out, nice and brisk. Cherie wanted me to wear long sleeves but because of the changes from the TBI I am not affected by the cold as much as most but heat is hard on me.
I have lots of work to do for Wayne. The lawyer is a survivor of TBI and was banged up worse than I was though he was only in a coma one week. I am impressed at what he did despite his injuries. He became a lawyer after the accident because of his treatment in court as he sued the truck company that smashed into him.
I sent out notices of the blog to most of the people I have addresses for. It will be interesting to see if there is any response. I really don’t expect much cause this journal has to be boring as all get out. I suppose if I would just give short little statements it would be better than all this writing. Most folks have no interest in spending lots of time reading things other than a good novel that keeps their attention. Time to work on the website before the back pain gets to bad.
92805 Wednesday
9/28/05 Wednesday
This will be a long day. I have much scheduled to do. It starts with me driving Sharon to several places that I think may include her doctor for the Paxil withdrawals. Then I will take Wayne to put in an application at Swan Cove for an apartment there. It is a facility that is geared for those with disabilities and accepts section 8. Jill said the MS Society may foot the down payment. The next thing on the schedule is to get Barb to her doctor regarding her allergic reaction or whatever is causing the swelling in her face and neck. I am sure that by then I will be pretty tired. I need to get moving because I need to be out the door in 45 minutes.
I got a lot done so far. Just made some changes on the blog. Have been sharp all day. It helps when I keep moving and having to interact with others. I got Sharon to the bank, dollar store, home depot, and Kroger’s. We talked and she is fighting depression and her doctor will transition her from Paxil to Zoloft watching her carefully for drug interaction.
I need to eat and take my second pill. Got that ears ringing thing going so must be careful. I drank a glass of milk with the pill for lunch. That seemed to help. I picked up some stuff from Fred for Barb and left to get her to the doctor. We are there now and she is telling me about the six cats she has. She seems to be doing better, at least the swelling is going down.
I took Barb to the Pharm where she got cat food. She had told Fred that the reason I didn’t want to take her to the Trilby church was because I didn’t want to spend the money on gas. I told her “Barb, listen to me carefully. I’m going to tell you the same thing I told you before and what I told Fred. You have to learn to be responsible with your money and your food. You need to make Basil pay for his share.” Either she didn’t get it or was still trying to manipulate because when I got home Fred was waiting and insisted I fill the tank with his credit card. I told him it was my turn to buy gas and I wanted to keep to our agreement the way it was to avoid further trouble. He insisted telling me Barb had said I wouldn’t take her because of the gas. I repeated my explanation that he needed to force Barb to be responsible. He was happy that I had already agreed to take Barb to the church so I let him know it was only because I was going to be down that way anyway to take Sharon to do laundry.
This will be a long day. I have much scheduled to do. It starts with me driving Sharon to several places that I think may include her doctor for the Paxil withdrawals. Then I will take Wayne to put in an application at Swan Cove for an apartment there. It is a facility that is geared for those with disabilities and accepts section 8. Jill said the MS Society may foot the down payment. The next thing on the schedule is to get Barb to her doctor regarding her allergic reaction or whatever is causing the swelling in her face and neck. I am sure that by then I will be pretty tired. I need to get moving because I need to be out the door in 45 minutes.
I got a lot done so far. Just made some changes on the blog. Have been sharp all day. It helps when I keep moving and having to interact with others. I got Sharon to the bank, dollar store, home depot, and Kroger’s. We talked and she is fighting depression and her doctor will transition her from Paxil to Zoloft watching her carefully for drug interaction.
I need to eat and take my second pill. Got that ears ringing thing going so must be careful. I drank a glass of milk with the pill for lunch. That seemed to help. I picked up some stuff from Fred for Barb and left to get her to the doctor. We are there now and she is telling me about the six cats she has. She seems to be doing better, at least the swelling is going down.
I took Barb to the Pharm where she got cat food. She had told Fred that the reason I didn’t want to take her to the Trilby church was because I didn’t want to spend the money on gas. I told her “Barb, listen to me carefully. I’m going to tell you the same thing I told you before and what I told Fred. You have to learn to be responsible with your money and your food. You need to make Basil pay for his share.” Either she didn’t get it or was still trying to manipulate because when I got home Fred was waiting and insisted I fill the tank with his credit card. I told him it was my turn to buy gas and I wanted to keep to our agreement the way it was to avoid further trouble. He insisted telling me Barb had said I wouldn’t take her because of the gas. I repeated my explanation that he needed to force Barb to be responsible. He was happy that I had already agreed to take Barb to the church so I let him know it was only because I was going to be down that way anyway to take Sharon to do laundry.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
92705 Tuesday
9/27/05 Tuesday
A rough start for the day. Cherie was doing her morning chicken with her head cut off, I’m late, panic mode as she rushed to take care of all the tasks she waits till the last minute to do. She had decided to pay the $30 late fee for rent that we had talked about and I had told her not to. She probably forgot that and didn’t remember I had taken Fred over to the office to complain when they sent him a list of late fees and they had forgiven the fee. He has always sent his check on time because I am the one who mailed it for him. The fact that we were not notified till over six months after the alleged late payment had upset me so I had gone to the office myself to complain. It was explained to me that the new girl was just catching up on stuff that hadn’t been done. I also am sure they had changed who received and processed the checks because of a continuing problem with who they had been using. I need to write a letter to them about this to resolve the issue. I will refuse to pay it regardless.
Presuming the check Cherie had asked me to walk over to the office was for rent I let Cherie know that we had been told not to take them to the office. When she said the letter that was with the check stated to take it to the office. With that I opened the envelop and saw it was the $30 late fee. Frustrated I told Cherie we had already talked about this and she started waving her arms as her voice raised an octave expressing her confusion and irritation that I could not perform the simple task of delivering a check. This as I was going to kiss her goodbye to send her off to work. “Fine, GO TO WORK” I said as I got angry. I saw the surprise and hurt in her face and feel bad about it now but being angry I went to the bedroom and she went to work without her kiss. I am not happy with myself and will make it up to her but she needs to get her morning better organized. Instead of concentrating on getting ready for work she runs around trying to do things that come to her mind as it searches for what might go wrong or what she neglected to take care of.
I finally figured out how to write to the CD. It took a while and come to find out that the record function had simply been turned off. It has taken me weeks to figure this out. And then it took me an hour how learn how to record the journal. Every time I explore this computer I find more things it can do. Then I forget them and have to learn all over again unless it is a function I can repeat often enough to remember.
It is a beautiful day out. Sunny and will only go up to seventy degrees or so. I have nothing scheduled but that can always change. Because the humidity is low it will be a good day for Fred to get out. As much as I would like to stay in and work on the website I will call him and suggest he get out.
I dialed his number and got a busy signal. As soon as I hung up it rang and it was Fred. I will take him out shopping at 10:30 so better fix breakfast and get ready. My brain is sharp this morning and with the grace of God will stay that way. I think I will make oatmeal.
Got Fred out. Took him to the Dollar Tree where he got batteries, then the post office, Dollar General, and the Pharm. At Dollar General the isles were tight and poorly maintained. I was reminded of how good it was Fred didn’t drive as he ran into everything including one person and knocked items off shelves and racks everywhere he went.
We got home just as Cherie arrived for lunch from work. We had already E mailed each other about the spat this morning so that was settled. I told Cherie that all couples will have fights but the key was what we do afterwards. We settled it and leave it behind. Cherie checked the letter I was writing to MD properties and laughed when she reached the part where I told them they could kiss my ass. I told her I just put it in for a laugh and did not intend to keep it in the letter. She asked me to cook dinner which is something I have been trying to get her to do.
I am a little tired but it is early, only 12:30. This chair is hard on my back and the pain is rising. Maybe I should lay down for just a few minutes. I rested for just an hour but it helped. I looked up recipes using dates to use up the two bags Wayne had given me. Found something that looks good so I will give it a try. As I put on some Simon and Garfunkel I have this thought. Cherie and I are lonely in a way. We are very content to just live with each other and have very little outside contact. The social attempts we had made in the past left us feeling like we were outsiders who did not belong. Cherie has only her dysfunctional family and my family is not there. There are some acquaintances we interact with such as the few I help and those Cherie sees at work. I do meet once a week with Jeff and that is as close as it gets. The old friends I seldom see. Eileen is a good close friend but her health is failing. I need to go see her more often. Enough of this crap. I need to get busy cooking date bars and getting this website put together. Through it I may be able to reach out to the world and find some we can relate with.
Aunt Virginia called while I was preparing the fig bars. She wanted to give me an update on my grandmother. She is no longer eating and the Ensure makes her sick. The hospice nurse had explained that this is not unusual because she no longer gets up and when you lie prone for so long your body stops making the fluids necessary to digest food. She may linger on for a while but this is the beginning of the end.
Virginia said she had not had Lee call because she had a hard time talking and couldn’t hold the phone. She didn’t like it because Virginia had to hold the phone to her ear. Virginia apologized for not calling to let me talk with her but I told her I understood, not to feel bad. Virginia said that Minnie Lee was the closest thing she had to a mother, which I of all people can understand.
She only heard from Larry one time over the last few months and he was demanding to speak with Lee despite the fact Lee said she didn’t want to talk. He told Virginia that he would come visit in October, which just happens to be when Lee’s farm check comes in.
Virginia said that Lee had settled sown so much it was easier to visit. She had been telling many stories of her past. Tales of my great grandmother cutting the fingers off an Indian and of my mother as a child. I asked her to write as many of these down as she could. One of my relatives had already recorded some of these stories. There are not many people left who came to Texas in a covered wagon. It is one of the deep regrets I have that life circumstances prevented me from knowing my family on either side. There is so much history that will vanish with her passing.
We went to Swan Creek Metro park today. It was good to walk and we loved the smell of fresh air filtered by nature. As we walked Cherie saw two deer who were grazing by the trail. They were used to seeing humans and just kept on foraging as we watched. We kept walking and the trail circled around so we saw the same two deer with a third. It was a mom with two young ones and were about ten feet away. As we came back we both talked about how this is a good thing to do. We are both terribly out of shape and have been talking about joining the YMCA so we can get healthy.
Cherie’s parents made it back from Florida. They are both sick with Ted still having the runs that plagued him the whole trip and Patsy having a bladder infection. They both had to wear depends on the trip, which is a first for Ted. He’s needed them for a while but refused. Here is a case where pride was literally messy. Cathy had aired the house out while they were gone but now that they are back the house is closed back up and she said it stinks again.
The date bars I cooked sucked so Cherie took them over to her folks just now. If they don’t like them Nate will take care of it. I don’t know what will happen with Nate but it won’t be good. It is hard to have to take a seat and watch him living a life that will destroy him and not be able to help. I think I will start letting folks know about this blog now to see how it goes.
A rough start for the day. Cherie was doing her morning chicken with her head cut off, I’m late, panic mode as she rushed to take care of all the tasks she waits till the last minute to do. She had decided to pay the $30 late fee for rent that we had talked about and I had told her not to. She probably forgot that and didn’t remember I had taken Fred over to the office to complain when they sent him a list of late fees and they had forgiven the fee. He has always sent his check on time because I am the one who mailed it for him. The fact that we were not notified till over six months after the alleged late payment had upset me so I had gone to the office myself to complain. It was explained to me that the new girl was just catching up on stuff that hadn’t been done. I also am sure they had changed who received and processed the checks because of a continuing problem with who they had been using. I need to write a letter to them about this to resolve the issue. I will refuse to pay it regardless.
Presuming the check Cherie had asked me to walk over to the office was for rent I let Cherie know that we had been told not to take them to the office. When she said the letter that was with the check stated to take it to the office. With that I opened the envelop and saw it was the $30 late fee. Frustrated I told Cherie we had already talked about this and she started waving her arms as her voice raised an octave expressing her confusion and irritation that I could not perform the simple task of delivering a check. This as I was going to kiss her goodbye to send her off to work. “Fine, GO TO WORK” I said as I got angry. I saw the surprise and hurt in her face and feel bad about it now but being angry I went to the bedroom and she went to work without her kiss. I am not happy with myself and will make it up to her but she needs to get her morning better organized. Instead of concentrating on getting ready for work she runs around trying to do things that come to her mind as it searches for what might go wrong or what she neglected to take care of.
I finally figured out how to write to the CD. It took a while and come to find out that the record function had simply been turned off. It has taken me weeks to figure this out. And then it took me an hour how learn how to record the journal. Every time I explore this computer I find more things it can do. Then I forget them and have to learn all over again unless it is a function I can repeat often enough to remember.
It is a beautiful day out. Sunny and will only go up to seventy degrees or so. I have nothing scheduled but that can always change. Because the humidity is low it will be a good day for Fred to get out. As much as I would like to stay in and work on the website I will call him and suggest he get out.
I dialed his number and got a busy signal. As soon as I hung up it rang and it was Fred. I will take him out shopping at 10:30 so better fix breakfast and get ready. My brain is sharp this morning and with the grace of God will stay that way. I think I will make oatmeal.
Got Fred out. Took him to the Dollar Tree where he got batteries, then the post office, Dollar General, and the Pharm. At Dollar General the isles were tight and poorly maintained. I was reminded of how good it was Fred didn’t drive as he ran into everything including one person and knocked items off shelves and racks everywhere he went.
We got home just as Cherie arrived for lunch from work. We had already E mailed each other about the spat this morning so that was settled. I told Cherie that all couples will have fights but the key was what we do afterwards. We settled it and leave it behind. Cherie checked the letter I was writing to MD properties and laughed when she reached the part where I told them they could kiss my ass. I told her I just put it in for a laugh and did not intend to keep it in the letter. She asked me to cook dinner which is something I have been trying to get her to do.
I am a little tired but it is early, only 12:30. This chair is hard on my back and the pain is rising. Maybe I should lay down for just a few minutes. I rested for just an hour but it helped. I looked up recipes using dates to use up the two bags Wayne had given me. Found something that looks good so I will give it a try. As I put on some Simon and Garfunkel I have this thought. Cherie and I are lonely in a way. We are very content to just live with each other and have very little outside contact. The social attempts we had made in the past left us feeling like we were outsiders who did not belong. Cherie has only her dysfunctional family and my family is not there. There are some acquaintances we interact with such as the few I help and those Cherie sees at work. I do meet once a week with Jeff and that is as close as it gets. The old friends I seldom see. Eileen is a good close friend but her health is failing. I need to go see her more often. Enough of this crap. I need to get busy cooking date bars and getting this website put together. Through it I may be able to reach out to the world and find some we can relate with.
Aunt Virginia called while I was preparing the fig bars. She wanted to give me an update on my grandmother. She is no longer eating and the Ensure makes her sick. The hospice nurse had explained that this is not unusual because she no longer gets up and when you lie prone for so long your body stops making the fluids necessary to digest food. She may linger on for a while but this is the beginning of the end.
Virginia said she had not had Lee call because she had a hard time talking and couldn’t hold the phone. She didn’t like it because Virginia had to hold the phone to her ear. Virginia apologized for not calling to let me talk with her but I told her I understood, not to feel bad. Virginia said that Minnie Lee was the closest thing she had to a mother, which I of all people can understand.
She only heard from Larry one time over the last few months and he was demanding to speak with Lee despite the fact Lee said she didn’t want to talk. He told Virginia that he would come visit in October, which just happens to be when Lee’s farm check comes in.
Virginia said that Lee had settled sown so much it was easier to visit. She had been telling many stories of her past. Tales of my great grandmother cutting the fingers off an Indian and of my mother as a child. I asked her to write as many of these down as she could. One of my relatives had already recorded some of these stories. There are not many people left who came to Texas in a covered wagon. It is one of the deep regrets I have that life circumstances prevented me from knowing my family on either side. There is so much history that will vanish with her passing.
We went to Swan Creek Metro park today. It was good to walk and we loved the smell of fresh air filtered by nature. As we walked Cherie saw two deer who were grazing by the trail. They were used to seeing humans and just kept on foraging as we watched. We kept walking and the trail circled around so we saw the same two deer with a third. It was a mom with two young ones and were about ten feet away. As we came back we both talked about how this is a good thing to do. We are both terribly out of shape and have been talking about joining the YMCA so we can get healthy.
Cherie’s parents made it back from Florida. They are both sick with Ted still having the runs that plagued him the whole trip and Patsy having a bladder infection. They both had to wear depends on the trip, which is a first for Ted. He’s needed them for a while but refused. Here is a case where pride was literally messy. Cathy had aired the house out while they were gone but now that they are back the house is closed back up and she said it stinks again.
The date bars I cooked sucked so Cherie took them over to her folks just now. If they don’t like them Nate will take care of it. I don’t know what will happen with Nate but it won’t be good. It is hard to have to take a seat and watch him living a life that will destroy him and not be able to help. I think I will start letting folks know about this blog now to see how it goes.
Monday, September 26, 2005
92605 Monday
9/26/05 Monday
Not bad this morning, especially considering I was up till 1:30 last night. I took Cherie to work so I can keep the car. I will work on cleaning it up and then start hitting the dealers to buy a car. Hope I maintain this level of cognizance.
So far so good. I actually have improved this morning. Can’t believe it is already 10:45 but I have gotten some things done. I downloaded the latest Kodak Easyshare software. I hope it helps with the problems I have moving the Kodak pictures to other functions in my computer. Right now I need to get my butt moving to finish cleaning the car and start going to dealerships. I will stop at Huntington bank first.
I’m back. I stopped at the car wash to do a final cleanup on the car. I skipped the bank and went straight to the Yark Chrysler dealership. I parked near the used car office and got out debating whether to go there or to the new car area. As I did so an older gentleman asked if he could help me. I told him I was going to buy a car this week if I could. He asked if I had anything picked out and I told him I was looking to pay $250 a month. He told me that that would put me in the $10,000 car range. I explained the uncertainty of our credit and asked if he could run that so I would have a clear idea what we could and could not get. He took down our information and took it into the credit department. It didn’t take long for him to return. Our bankruptcy is already showing up so we must wait till we have the disposition before they can help us.
While filling out the credit application the whole story came out. I told him of the wreck, the gift of life, and the miracle of getting back with Cherie. His name is Dave Holben and he was either amazed or impressed with what I have gone through. He told me I have incredible strength to keep fighting after all that. I don’t know about that, I just know I don’t give up. We talked of my philosophy, that it doesn’t matter how much money you have cause it comes and goes in a flash. What has value is the lives you touch. I don’t hide anything and told him of being homeless, the drugs and alcohol, and of the world I saw as I wandered. A world few seem aware of. Dave told me that when we have the disposition of the bankruptcy to come back and he would be glad to help. The close of the conversation was me telling him that my life was a gift and we are building and rebuilding life from the start. I know he was impressed but I feel this is nothing compared to many of the victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. They have a harder road ahead than I did.
I talked to Cherie and let her know what happened. Now I want to make use of this prime time and work on the website and maybe the book before another slow down. I tried to call Eileen. Glen answered and said she was taking her sister home and would be back in twenty minutes so I tried her cell phone. There was no answer so I left a message. Glen said she was doing better.
I am getting tired now. That is not unusual at this time of the day. It is a little after 2:00. Maybe if we get into the YMCA and I exercise it will help my energy level. I used to go strong for twelve to sixteen hours a day so it is frustrating to not be able to do that anymore. Suppose I should take my second pill and take a nap.
The nap helped. I really didn’t sleep as much as dozed. It still refreshed me and I got up in time to pick up Cherie from work. I grilled steaks and Cherie fixed stroganoff noodles. We enjoyed each others company as always and watched the news. It is all hurricane stuff with few new angles. I believe that much good can come out of this disaster. For those who faced death and lost all they had it will be a time of reevaluating what is important and what is not. This I am familiar with and understand. Some will come out stronger and better and some will sink into a despair which they will try to assuage with drugs, alcohol, and other excesses. One of the statistics coming out of this disaster is that the government has been tracking what has been purchased with the $2,000 debit cards they gave to the victims. Some 80% or so has been expended at strip clubs in Houston. Like the Bible said, “Lets eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”. At least I think that’s in the Bible but regardless I have heard it before and it pretty much covers this thought.
I got a hold of Eileen. She is not doing well at all and now there is something wrong in her throat. I could hardly understand what she was saying the last time I talked to her and it is no better now. One doctor wants he to have surgery for the tumor in her uterus but another said she wasn’t able to handle that. Her lungs are getting worse, they gave her a wheelchair to use because her back is so bad, and her health in general is going down hill. Some of this is due to the ravages of her lifetime of smoking and we all pay a price for such decisions. I told Cherie that she is dying slowly and that her system is so frail it won’t take much to hasten that. Some will say that is harsh or wrong but it is the reality none can escape. Death is certain, life is not. I pray that Eileen lives for many years and she may well do so, but the odds are stacked against her.
I got a call from Virginia. She was with my grandmother, Minnie Lee, and was calling to let me talk to her. Virginia held the phone up to Lee’s ear so she could talk. Lee’s hearing is noticeably going down hill as are many of her other functions. She did not talk long, only said she loved me and asked me to tell Cherie she loved her also. She couldn’t remember Cherie’s name at first so Virginia told her “It’s Cherie”. After I talked with Virginia and she told me that Lee had decided again she wanted to die and was not eating.
As I talked with Virginia, Lee told her to tell me that she had not heard from Larry in a long time. Sad as it is this is exactly what I had predicted would happen when Lee stopped giving Larry money. He is my brother and was the only family member that tried to help when I woke from the coma and I love him but he needs to look at himself. I am sure he will have every plausible excuse and explanation for this to make himself look good but I see through him. He is a world of promises that he won’t keep. This is typical behavior for a long term alcoholic but he seems to have the wool pulled over the rest of my families eyes. What a paradox. My father won’t talk to me at all, yet I think that while I have made some whopper mistakes I am the kind of man he would like. On the other side Dad always said he hated a liar yet is taken in by Larry’s misrepresentations. I still wonder what kind of picture Larry painted of me to dad but may never know. Larry sent me an E mail saying dad was an ass hole and that he had as little to do with him as possible. This was in response to my repeated requests for Larry to help mend this rift with my dad. “I don’t talk to him any more than I have to” he said. This I know is a lie but what can I do. I am two thousand miles away and they refuse to even take a phone call.
Not bad this morning, especially considering I was up till 1:30 last night. I took Cherie to work so I can keep the car. I will work on cleaning it up and then start hitting the dealers to buy a car. Hope I maintain this level of cognizance.
So far so good. I actually have improved this morning. Can’t believe it is already 10:45 but I have gotten some things done. I downloaded the latest Kodak Easyshare software. I hope it helps with the problems I have moving the Kodak pictures to other functions in my computer. Right now I need to get my butt moving to finish cleaning the car and start going to dealerships. I will stop at Huntington bank first.
I’m back. I stopped at the car wash to do a final cleanup on the car. I skipped the bank and went straight to the Yark Chrysler dealership. I parked near the used car office and got out debating whether to go there or to the new car area. As I did so an older gentleman asked if he could help me. I told him I was going to buy a car this week if I could. He asked if I had anything picked out and I told him I was looking to pay $250 a month. He told me that that would put me in the $10,000 car range. I explained the uncertainty of our credit and asked if he could run that so I would have a clear idea what we could and could not get. He took down our information and took it into the credit department. It didn’t take long for him to return. Our bankruptcy is already showing up so we must wait till we have the disposition before they can help us.
While filling out the credit application the whole story came out. I told him of the wreck, the gift of life, and the miracle of getting back with Cherie. His name is Dave Holben and he was either amazed or impressed with what I have gone through. He told me I have incredible strength to keep fighting after all that. I don’t know about that, I just know I don’t give up. We talked of my philosophy, that it doesn’t matter how much money you have cause it comes and goes in a flash. What has value is the lives you touch. I don’t hide anything and told him of being homeless, the drugs and alcohol, and of the world I saw as I wandered. A world few seem aware of. Dave told me that when we have the disposition of the bankruptcy to come back and he would be glad to help. The close of the conversation was me telling him that my life was a gift and we are building and rebuilding life from the start. I know he was impressed but I feel this is nothing compared to many of the victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. They have a harder road ahead than I did.
I talked to Cherie and let her know what happened. Now I want to make use of this prime time and work on the website and maybe the book before another slow down. I tried to call Eileen. Glen answered and said she was taking her sister home and would be back in twenty minutes so I tried her cell phone. There was no answer so I left a message. Glen said she was doing better.
I am getting tired now. That is not unusual at this time of the day. It is a little after 2:00. Maybe if we get into the YMCA and I exercise it will help my energy level. I used to go strong for twelve to sixteen hours a day so it is frustrating to not be able to do that anymore. Suppose I should take my second pill and take a nap.
The nap helped. I really didn’t sleep as much as dozed. It still refreshed me and I got up in time to pick up Cherie from work. I grilled steaks and Cherie fixed stroganoff noodles. We enjoyed each others company as always and watched the news. It is all hurricane stuff with few new angles. I believe that much good can come out of this disaster. For those who faced death and lost all they had it will be a time of reevaluating what is important and what is not. This I am familiar with and understand. Some will come out stronger and better and some will sink into a despair which they will try to assuage with drugs, alcohol, and other excesses. One of the statistics coming out of this disaster is that the government has been tracking what has been purchased with the $2,000 debit cards they gave to the victims. Some 80% or so has been expended at strip clubs in Houston. Like the Bible said, “Lets eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”. At least I think that’s in the Bible but regardless I have heard it before and it pretty much covers this thought.
I got a hold of Eileen. She is not doing well at all and now there is something wrong in her throat. I could hardly understand what she was saying the last time I talked to her and it is no better now. One doctor wants he to have surgery for the tumor in her uterus but another said she wasn’t able to handle that. Her lungs are getting worse, they gave her a wheelchair to use because her back is so bad, and her health in general is going down hill. Some of this is due to the ravages of her lifetime of smoking and we all pay a price for such decisions. I told Cherie that she is dying slowly and that her system is so frail it won’t take much to hasten that. Some will say that is harsh or wrong but it is the reality none can escape. Death is certain, life is not. I pray that Eileen lives for many years and she may well do so, but the odds are stacked against her.
I got a call from Virginia. She was with my grandmother, Minnie Lee, and was calling to let me talk to her. Virginia held the phone up to Lee’s ear so she could talk. Lee’s hearing is noticeably going down hill as are many of her other functions. She did not talk long, only said she loved me and asked me to tell Cherie she loved her also. She couldn’t remember Cherie’s name at first so Virginia told her “It’s Cherie”. After I talked with Virginia and she told me that Lee had decided again she wanted to die and was not eating.
As I talked with Virginia, Lee told her to tell me that she had not heard from Larry in a long time. Sad as it is this is exactly what I had predicted would happen when Lee stopped giving Larry money. He is my brother and was the only family member that tried to help when I woke from the coma and I love him but he needs to look at himself. I am sure he will have every plausible excuse and explanation for this to make himself look good but I see through him. He is a world of promises that he won’t keep. This is typical behavior for a long term alcoholic but he seems to have the wool pulled over the rest of my families eyes. What a paradox. My father won’t talk to me at all, yet I think that while I have made some whopper mistakes I am the kind of man he would like. On the other side Dad always said he hated a liar yet is taken in by Larry’s misrepresentations. I still wonder what kind of picture Larry painted of me to dad but may never know. Larry sent me an E mail saying dad was an ass hole and that he had as little to do with him as possible. This was in response to my repeated requests for Larry to help mend this rift with my dad. “I don’t talk to him any more than I have to” he said. This I know is a lie but what can I do. I am two thousand miles away and they refuse to even take a phone call.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
92405 Saturday
9/24/05 Saturday
This morning I will go to Dave’s to try again to get his van running. It is a potential wreck waiting to happen so it worries me. Still working to get him in another vehicle but he gets attached to whatever is familiar to him. I think he is convinced this van has to go but for now it is the only transportation he has other than his bike.
It has been a long day. Dave’s van turned out to be the van from hell. I put four hours into it yesterday and another five today. It is greasy, nasty, and southern engineered. Nothing was easy to get to as is always true with vans. Because it is an 84 bolts were frozen and in some cases missing. I had already put on $50 of parts yesterday trying to get a spark with no success. Today there was one more part to try and if that didn’t do it I was going to give up. That one part was harder than all the others put together because of how Ford engineered it. It is called a TFI module and is connected to the distributor.
It is attached with only two little screws that are about a half inch down in holes. I couldn’t see them because of the angle and depth but when I put the screw driver in it wouldn’t bite, just spin. I tried a Phillips head and then a regular screw driver with no success. Finally I had to remove the whole distributor just to see these screws. That turned into a chore that took over an hour. I pried, I twisted, I hammered but it wouldn’t come out. By now sweat was pouring off me from the exertion and I had to wipe it off my glasses to see. Even that was a chore as I searched for a part of my shirt that wasn’t greasy.
Finally the distributor popped loose and I could see the offending screws. They were small little hex head machine screws and I didn’t have a deep well socket that could reach down that far. We went to several stores searching for a socket set that would do the job.
Right now it is 9:00 PM and I am exhausted and in so much pain it is hard to sit at this computer so I will complete this tomorrow.
After looking in vain for a tool set that might supply the needed socket at a price Dave could handle my frustration level began to build. We drove back to Dave’s to get the distributor so we could be assured what we got something that worked. Going back to Lowe’s where I was confident we would be successful because of their large selection my frustration reached new heights. Nothing would get down this narrow hole and reach the screw. I went to Sears thinking that they would have the right socket though I didn’t want to pay for the higher quality. Nope, not going to happen.
Now I’ve gone from frustrated to pissed. I tell Dave to get in the car and snap at his every attempt to be helpful with suggestions that would never work. I tear down the road at a few miles per hour over the limit. Seeing a NAPA auto parts store I make a u-turn, squealing the tires as Dave holds on. I figured that if anyone would have the right tool an auto parts store would. After they all looked at the distributor and tried everything they had the answer was no.
By this time I have put four hours into this van on top of the four I put in yesterday. I told Dave that if I couldn’t figure it out I was done. We went back to his place and I tore the module off the distributor with a screwdriver, hoping I would not damage anything vital. I didn’t and after throwing the pieces of the old module away was happy when the new one fit right in. I went back to the auto parts store to find screws that would work. They didn’t have just the right one but I found a metric that I could southern engineer.
Once I got the distributor in it was time to see if that was the cure. After giving Dave a jump he turned the motor over. It coughed which means there was finally spark but the distributor was not in right so I had to play with it. Finally I got it running and set the timing by ear. What a job.
Dave’s neighbor, Bob, had come by while I worked on the van. He had been a cop and retired long ago. He drove up on his lawn mower as he has a hard time walking and is probably in his 80’s. The house I had bought with Barb, my second wife, is the one that adjoins Bob’s back yard. We had never even met for the seventeen years I lived there for several reasons. One was I didn’t get along with any of my neighbors because of my lifestyle. The other Bob told me about. Evidently Barb had pretty much chased him off and had been somewhat venomous with her words. He was a real nice guy and we had a good talk about Dave’s dad, Dave, and things in general. When I was leaving I told him that I regretted not getting to know him when I lived there.
Dave wanted to give me some money for all the work I had done but I told him to put it away to buy another car. I told him he needed to tie up the brake line that was hanging down in the back of his van and he said he would do it later. I told him “No, you’ll do it now” cause it was a disaster waiting to happen. He tried to argue saying he I could trust him to do it later and he didn’t want to get dirty right now. I handed him a piece of wire and told him I wouldn’t leave till it was done because if he last his brakes he not only endangered his life but could kill who ever he hit. Having no choice he took care of it. He said I was being a prick about it and Bob, hearing him, told him I might be saving his life. Of course Dave was not really upset, just inconvenienced. He thanked me for the work and I was grateful to go home and rest.
9/25/05 Sunday
Right now I am at St Ann’s emergency room. Barb had called at about 2:45 and asked if I could take her to the hospital Monday. I asked “Why do you need to go to the hospital?” She told me that her face was swollen up and she couldn’t swallow. Hearing this I told her I would take her to the emergency room right now. I asked her why she wanted to wait till tomorrow and she said she didn’t think I would want to go today. I know I have toughened up on her and told her that I wouldn’t make what I call fluff trips like getting one bag of food unless I was already in the area. I told her to never hesitate to call for legitimate needs such as medical.
This morning I woke up with a migraine. Even though the sun was just rising and the blinds were only raised twelve inches the light hurt. The sounds of traffic outside was loud through the closed window. I took my pill, a tramadol, two aspirin and told Cherie I may not make it to church. I asked her to go so she could ask Bill about the black book value on the car. When it got close to her leaving I was feeling better and decided I would go also.
The service was better and I was amazed that the sermon was on the very scripture I had been contemplating as we drove to church “You have left your first love”. We talked to Bill after the service and he told us what the car was worth to dealers. It will be a fight to get rid of her car and get another but it is a fight worth fighting.
After church we went looking for an inexpensive place to eat and saw an auction sign for Mike Gaisser. Mike is an old friend of mine and I love auctions but I had just talked to Cherie about her love of garage sales. I had told her we didn’t have room for nick nacks in the apartment so suggested she avoid them till we had a permanent place of our own. Auctions are pretty much like a garage sale only bigger and quicker but I hoped to find a deal on a cheap car to help Dave out with. When we got there all the cars had already been sold so we went to Reynolds Family Restaurant and ate.
When we got home I started working on the piles of stuff on the desk and dining table, getting Cherie involved as much of it was stuff she needed to file or deal with. That’s when Barb called.
I got home at 5:30. It is 7:00 now. The headache never left, just got tolerable. I was working on the website and the headache began to increase and I started having that ringing in my ears along with the loss of equilibrium. I can tell a slow down is coming, in fact it is happening now. This is getting harder to write and I must be deliberate as I type. Keep hitting the wrong keys.
This morning I will go to Dave’s to try again to get his van running. It is a potential wreck waiting to happen so it worries me. Still working to get him in another vehicle but he gets attached to whatever is familiar to him. I think he is convinced this van has to go but for now it is the only transportation he has other than his bike.
It has been a long day. Dave’s van turned out to be the van from hell. I put four hours into it yesterday and another five today. It is greasy, nasty, and southern engineered. Nothing was easy to get to as is always true with vans. Because it is an 84 bolts were frozen and in some cases missing. I had already put on $50 of parts yesterday trying to get a spark with no success. Today there was one more part to try and if that didn’t do it I was going to give up. That one part was harder than all the others put together because of how Ford engineered it. It is called a TFI module and is connected to the distributor.
It is attached with only two little screws that are about a half inch down in holes. I couldn’t see them because of the angle and depth but when I put the screw driver in it wouldn’t bite, just spin. I tried a Phillips head and then a regular screw driver with no success. Finally I had to remove the whole distributor just to see these screws. That turned into a chore that took over an hour. I pried, I twisted, I hammered but it wouldn’t come out. By now sweat was pouring off me from the exertion and I had to wipe it off my glasses to see. Even that was a chore as I searched for a part of my shirt that wasn’t greasy.
Finally the distributor popped loose and I could see the offending screws. They were small little hex head machine screws and I didn’t have a deep well socket that could reach down that far. We went to several stores searching for a socket set that would do the job.
Right now it is 9:00 PM and I am exhausted and in so much pain it is hard to sit at this computer so I will complete this tomorrow.
After looking in vain for a tool set that might supply the needed socket at a price Dave could handle my frustration level began to build. We drove back to Dave’s to get the distributor so we could be assured what we got something that worked. Going back to Lowe’s where I was confident we would be successful because of their large selection my frustration reached new heights. Nothing would get down this narrow hole and reach the screw. I went to Sears thinking that they would have the right socket though I didn’t want to pay for the higher quality. Nope, not going to happen.
Now I’ve gone from frustrated to pissed. I tell Dave to get in the car and snap at his every attempt to be helpful with suggestions that would never work. I tear down the road at a few miles per hour over the limit. Seeing a NAPA auto parts store I make a u-turn, squealing the tires as Dave holds on. I figured that if anyone would have the right tool an auto parts store would. After they all looked at the distributor and tried everything they had the answer was no.
By this time I have put four hours into this van on top of the four I put in yesterday. I told Dave that if I couldn’t figure it out I was done. We went back to his place and I tore the module off the distributor with a screwdriver, hoping I would not damage anything vital. I didn’t and after throwing the pieces of the old module away was happy when the new one fit right in. I went back to the auto parts store to find screws that would work. They didn’t have just the right one but I found a metric that I could southern engineer.
Once I got the distributor in it was time to see if that was the cure. After giving Dave a jump he turned the motor over. It coughed which means there was finally spark but the distributor was not in right so I had to play with it. Finally I got it running and set the timing by ear. What a job.
Dave’s neighbor, Bob, had come by while I worked on the van. He had been a cop and retired long ago. He drove up on his lawn mower as he has a hard time walking and is probably in his 80’s. The house I had bought with Barb, my second wife, is the one that adjoins Bob’s back yard. We had never even met for the seventeen years I lived there for several reasons. One was I didn’t get along with any of my neighbors because of my lifestyle. The other Bob told me about. Evidently Barb had pretty much chased him off and had been somewhat venomous with her words. He was a real nice guy and we had a good talk about Dave’s dad, Dave, and things in general. When I was leaving I told him that I regretted not getting to know him when I lived there.
Dave wanted to give me some money for all the work I had done but I told him to put it away to buy another car. I told him he needed to tie up the brake line that was hanging down in the back of his van and he said he would do it later. I told him “No, you’ll do it now” cause it was a disaster waiting to happen. He tried to argue saying he I could trust him to do it later and he didn’t want to get dirty right now. I handed him a piece of wire and told him I wouldn’t leave till it was done because if he last his brakes he not only endangered his life but could kill who ever he hit. Having no choice he took care of it. He said I was being a prick about it and Bob, hearing him, told him I might be saving his life. Of course Dave was not really upset, just inconvenienced. He thanked me for the work and I was grateful to go home and rest.
9/25/05 Sunday
Right now I am at St Ann’s emergency room. Barb had called at about 2:45 and asked if I could take her to the hospital Monday. I asked “Why do you need to go to the hospital?” She told me that her face was swollen up and she couldn’t swallow. Hearing this I told her I would take her to the emergency room right now. I asked her why she wanted to wait till tomorrow and she said she didn’t think I would want to go today. I know I have toughened up on her and told her that I wouldn’t make what I call fluff trips like getting one bag of food unless I was already in the area. I told her to never hesitate to call for legitimate needs such as medical.
This morning I woke up with a migraine. Even though the sun was just rising and the blinds were only raised twelve inches the light hurt. The sounds of traffic outside was loud through the closed window. I took my pill, a tramadol, two aspirin and told Cherie I may not make it to church. I asked her to go so she could ask Bill about the black book value on the car. When it got close to her leaving I was feeling better and decided I would go also.
The service was better and I was amazed that the sermon was on the very scripture I had been contemplating as we drove to church “You have left your first love”. We talked to Bill after the service and he told us what the car was worth to dealers. It will be a fight to get rid of her car and get another but it is a fight worth fighting.
After church we went looking for an inexpensive place to eat and saw an auction sign for Mike Gaisser. Mike is an old friend of mine and I love auctions but I had just talked to Cherie about her love of garage sales. I had told her we didn’t have room for nick nacks in the apartment so suggested she avoid them till we had a permanent place of our own. Auctions are pretty much like a garage sale only bigger and quicker but I hoped to find a deal on a cheap car to help Dave out with. When we got there all the cars had already been sold so we went to Reynolds Family Restaurant and ate.
When we got home I started working on the piles of stuff on the desk and dining table, getting Cherie involved as much of it was stuff she needed to file or deal with. That’s when Barb called.
I got home at 5:30. It is 7:00 now. The headache never left, just got tolerable. I was working on the website and the headache began to increase and I started having that ringing in my ears along with the loss of equilibrium. I can tell a slow down is coming, in fact it is happening now. This is getting harder to write and I must be deliberate as I type. Keep hitting the wrong keys.
Friday, September 23, 2005
92305 Friday
9/23/05 Friday
I woke up at 4:45 this morning so put on some gentle guitar music and will do some writing. I woke up with memories of my time at the Volunteers of America fresh on my mind. This after another vivid dream which this time I remember.
In this dream I was involved with helping an organization by using my knowledge of antiques to help them raise funds. I drove to a fancy glass high rise building that is reminiscent of the Ren Cen in Detroit. Leaving my car in the drive up entrance where the door man and those who help with baggage are busy I rush into the hotel. I am not sure what floor to go but push the right button and arrive at this black tie function. I get involved with different individuals, telling them about short term memory loss, all the while looking for Christine who had gotten me involved with this affair. She is not available but as I look around I notice my name is on the paperwork with hers. It was a surprise and I feel like my name had been used for their benefit without permission. When I go to leave I find that I had forgotten leaving my car in their drive. Asking about it I learn it had been boxed up and put in their storage room many floors up. I take the elevator up and find a warehouse filled with rows of shrink wrapped boxes stacked on pallet racking twenty foot high. One of them contains my car. End of dream.
Now back to the VOA. As I woke up this morning and felt how wet my pillow is from the night sweats it brought back the memories of my first days at VOA. I was taking the interferon for hepatitis and that caused me to sweat profusely while I was shaking from the chills in addition to it being winter with poor heat. I did get an extra blanket from the staff and stayed under the covers much of the time. With that door of memory unlocked there was much that returned. The journal I kept which disappeared when they threw me into jail, the file full of wrinkled papers Christine would not let me read or return to me, and the reaction of staff members when they would run into me after being jailed by them. It was a place of corruption and when I publish that it will cause a problem. I am anxious to be free of this probation for while I am in the system it is to easy for them to again use it to have me jailed in retaliation as they did before.
This morning I am to go work on Dave’s van. The first hurdle will be telling Fred for I know he is upset that I refused to take Barb this morning. It would be much easier if I would lie and tell him something like I have to see a doctor but I won’t. We’ll see how that goes. Right now I think I will work on building the website.
I had forgotten I meet Jeff but thanks to it becoming a routine remembered to go. We had a good talk and the guy in the booth next to us got into the conversation when he heard me telling Jeff we were going to buy a car. Then we talked of prison and the justice system. He had been a prison guard in Maryland so had a good inside perspective. He is also a Fed ex driver so I asked if he knew a place Ahmed could park his tractor trailer. He said some of his drivers use the K-mart parking lot. I told him about Ahmed’s truck being towed and they tried to crank him for a thousand dollars. He is familiar with that kind of scam. I called Ahmed to tell him but he is skeptical because of being towed from a similar lot.
After that I went to Dave’s to work on his van from hell. After four hours and $80 worth of parts I was still not able to get a spark. I am exhausted and toward the end the migraine started coming up. The positions I had to get in to reach the work areas have my body pain really high. I got home at 3:00. I washed as much grease off my hands as I could and scraped it off my fingernails.
I helped Dave get to several places to buy groceries, laundry soap, go to the bank to cash his check, go back to the bank to get money for the auto parts, and of course three trips to Murray’s to get the parts.
I took a survey but had difficulty following the instructions. Took some aspirin and Tramadol as well as my seizure pill. Hope the headache goes down. Almost fell to sleep as I took the survey so perhaps should take my nap. It frustrates me because I once would go for twelve hours a day with no problem and now four hours wears me out. The headache wins. Will lay down and close the blinds to keep out the brightness that bothers me at these times. I would close the window to reduce the noise but we need the air flow to keep it cool in the apartment.
Cherie had a rough morning with the hot flashes at a high level. It put her in a nasty mood and she told the cat to shut up. She never does that. I tried to get some humor out but it couldn’t override her discomfort. I hope she did alright at work. Wish I was in better shape so I could cook a nice dinner for her. Perhaps I will take her out to dinner.
Just called Cherie at work to see how she was doing she is tired as the hot flashes drain her quickly on top of working all day. I will meet her outside and we will go to the bank to deposit her check and then straight to the restaurant on Glendale we like to beat the rush. It is so good to be back with her after twenty years that I can’t help but write about it all the time. I’m sure it will get old if I ever get an audience on the blog but don’t care. The blog is me with no pretense to impress any one. Don’t like it tough. I do. This honesty and openness I try for is scary to some we have met. Seems that the whole world is so used to false faces honesty is uncomfortable.
Dinner was good as it always is at the Glendale Garden Café. Great food at an unbelievable price. It’s no wonder there is always a line there. We just beat the crowd and by the time we left there were fifteen people waiting and they didn’t mind at all.
We went looking at cars after dinner. Because we are car shopping virgins we were surprised to fine the dealerships close at six on Friday. No problem cause that means we can look without being pressed by some anxious salesman who wanted to get our money more than help us find what we wanted. I called Bill after to get his advice because he sells used cars professionally. Being our pastor helps me feel safe asking for advice. He gave me a better idea how things work which will help me decide the best way to approach this. I think that because of the time constraints we will be better off going to a dealer where we can unload Cherie’s car by trading it in and the dealer can get the financing pushed through. If we had time I could go to the bank and get pre approved for a loan thus knowing how much we can spend. Then I could go with Bill to a dealer’s auction and buy at dealer prices. Oh well, to late for that.
I woke up at 4:45 this morning so put on some gentle guitar music and will do some writing. I woke up with memories of my time at the Volunteers of America fresh on my mind. This after another vivid dream which this time I remember.
In this dream I was involved with helping an organization by using my knowledge of antiques to help them raise funds. I drove to a fancy glass high rise building that is reminiscent of the Ren Cen in Detroit. Leaving my car in the drive up entrance where the door man and those who help with baggage are busy I rush into the hotel. I am not sure what floor to go but push the right button and arrive at this black tie function. I get involved with different individuals, telling them about short term memory loss, all the while looking for Christine who had gotten me involved with this affair. She is not available but as I look around I notice my name is on the paperwork with hers. It was a surprise and I feel like my name had been used for their benefit without permission. When I go to leave I find that I had forgotten leaving my car in their drive. Asking about it I learn it had been boxed up and put in their storage room many floors up. I take the elevator up and find a warehouse filled with rows of shrink wrapped boxes stacked on pallet racking twenty foot high. One of them contains my car. End of dream.
Now back to the VOA. As I woke up this morning and felt how wet my pillow is from the night sweats it brought back the memories of my first days at VOA. I was taking the interferon for hepatitis and that caused me to sweat profusely while I was shaking from the chills in addition to it being winter with poor heat. I did get an extra blanket from the staff and stayed under the covers much of the time. With that door of memory unlocked there was much that returned. The journal I kept which disappeared when they threw me into jail, the file full of wrinkled papers Christine would not let me read or return to me, and the reaction of staff members when they would run into me after being jailed by them. It was a place of corruption and when I publish that it will cause a problem. I am anxious to be free of this probation for while I am in the system it is to easy for them to again use it to have me jailed in retaliation as they did before.
This morning I am to go work on Dave’s van. The first hurdle will be telling Fred for I know he is upset that I refused to take Barb this morning. It would be much easier if I would lie and tell him something like I have to see a doctor but I won’t. We’ll see how that goes. Right now I think I will work on building the website.
I had forgotten I meet Jeff but thanks to it becoming a routine remembered to go. We had a good talk and the guy in the booth next to us got into the conversation when he heard me telling Jeff we were going to buy a car. Then we talked of prison and the justice system. He had been a prison guard in Maryland so had a good inside perspective. He is also a Fed ex driver so I asked if he knew a place Ahmed could park his tractor trailer. He said some of his drivers use the K-mart parking lot. I told him about Ahmed’s truck being towed and they tried to crank him for a thousand dollars. He is familiar with that kind of scam. I called Ahmed to tell him but he is skeptical because of being towed from a similar lot.
After that I went to Dave’s to work on his van from hell. After four hours and $80 worth of parts I was still not able to get a spark. I am exhausted and toward the end the migraine started coming up. The positions I had to get in to reach the work areas have my body pain really high. I got home at 3:00. I washed as much grease off my hands as I could and scraped it off my fingernails.
I helped Dave get to several places to buy groceries, laundry soap, go to the bank to cash his check, go back to the bank to get money for the auto parts, and of course three trips to Murray’s to get the parts.
I took a survey but had difficulty following the instructions. Took some aspirin and Tramadol as well as my seizure pill. Hope the headache goes down. Almost fell to sleep as I took the survey so perhaps should take my nap. It frustrates me because I once would go for twelve hours a day with no problem and now four hours wears me out. The headache wins. Will lay down and close the blinds to keep out the brightness that bothers me at these times. I would close the window to reduce the noise but we need the air flow to keep it cool in the apartment.
Cherie had a rough morning with the hot flashes at a high level. It put her in a nasty mood and she told the cat to shut up. She never does that. I tried to get some humor out but it couldn’t override her discomfort. I hope she did alright at work. Wish I was in better shape so I could cook a nice dinner for her. Perhaps I will take her out to dinner.
Just called Cherie at work to see how she was doing she is tired as the hot flashes drain her quickly on top of working all day. I will meet her outside and we will go to the bank to deposit her check and then straight to the restaurant on Glendale we like to beat the rush. It is so good to be back with her after twenty years that I can’t help but write about it all the time. I’m sure it will get old if I ever get an audience on the blog but don’t care. The blog is me with no pretense to impress any one. Don’t like it tough. I do. This honesty and openness I try for is scary to some we have met. Seems that the whole world is so used to false faces honesty is uncomfortable.
Dinner was good as it always is at the Glendale Garden Café. Great food at an unbelievable price. It’s no wonder there is always a line there. We just beat the crowd and by the time we left there were fifteen people waiting and they didn’t mind at all.
We went looking at cars after dinner. Because we are car shopping virgins we were surprised to fine the dealerships close at six on Friday. No problem cause that means we can look without being pressed by some anxious salesman who wanted to get our money more than help us find what we wanted. I called Bill after to get his advice because he sells used cars professionally. Being our pastor helps me feel safe asking for advice. He gave me a better idea how things work which will help me decide the best way to approach this. I think that because of the time constraints we will be better off going to a dealer where we can unload Cherie’s car by trading it in and the dealer can get the financing pushed through. If we had time I could go to the bank and get pre approved for a loan thus knowing how much we can spend. Then I could go with Bill to a dealer’s auction and buy at dealer prices. Oh well, to late for that.
92205 Thursday
9/22/05 Thursday
Cherie and I are both tired this morning. I had those vivid dreams again. Can’t remember them now but know I had them. I was thinking I would not have to go anywhere when someone called to ask if we were still going to “do that”. I asked who was calling and it was Sharon. She said I was going to drive her to the bank so she could cash her check. I am glad she called because it totally escaped my mind. I remember now. Better get showered and take my pill.
The last two days have been especially hard. The partial seizures, what I call slow downs, have come quicker, lasted longer, and have made me mentally slower than usual. I hope this trend will end. I write this hoping I will be able to relay it to the doctors I see every six months or so for neurology at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. Every time I see a doc they ask me questions that I can’t remember the answers to. It makes it impossible for them to do their job. That is one of the reasons I do this journal but how can they read it? It is nearly 600 pages long and covers all of my life not just medical issues. I have taken this laptop in but they didn’t take me up on the offer to read it.
Last night I saw a blog that interested me and tried four times to place a comment on it with no success. I hate being unable to figure out simple things especially when this brain of mine appears to still work well in other areas. Just can’t seem to get past being confused and frustrated as I have to relearn what I learned minutes before. There are times I can do well but not recently. I forget the instructions I read seconds before I try to apply them so I find myself repeating the same error over and over again. Hope I have a good day but am starting out a little slow.
It’s 1:00 now. I got Sharon to the bank ok. She is having a hard time with the withdrawals from Paxil and is worrying what she will do when she runs out of what they got for her at the emergency room. The nurse at Zeph Center had her cut the twenty milligram pills into four pieces. This helped relieve the symptoms some but not all the way. Her fear is that when she runs out of the pieces the withdrawals will return full force so I worked to allay those fears explaining that her body was getting used to less of the drug and that the withdrawals will be much less. I don’t really know but I do know it works that way with heroin and other drugs. Hope I am right.
When she got done at the bank I asked her where else she would like to go. She said she wanted a bottle but I told her no. In that discussion I let her know that alcohol is not an answer to this withdrawal and the accompanying depression but that it would only make things worse. I have been an alcoholic and been around many. While there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner drinking alone is a real bad sign so I would not help her get a “bottle” in any way.
This said she asked if I would take her to get cigarettes. That I will do because I know the nicotine will help keep her frayed nerves together and the withdrawal from nicotine is the last thing she needs. I dropped her off and called Allen on the way home to see if he still needed help.
He said he had not slept all night and had been throwing up. “I don’t know why cause I didn’t eat but one thing and it couldn’t have been bad”. I told him it wasn’t what he ate and he got defensive “What do you mean it wasn’t what I ate? What do you think it was?”. I said I would tell him later but he called me back and said he changed his mind and was in too bad a shape for me to come over. I know he had called me looking for pain killers and am fairly certain he is going through withdrawals. I told him he needs to break down and get professional help for his pain. He has been avoiding that because he has no insurance and knows surgery is the most likely cure for his neck and pack. He can’t work in his vocation as a sheetmetal worker because of his pain and let his union dues lapse. It is tough when circumstances make you poor.
Despite my concern for him I was glad to get a break and went to Kroger for groceries. By now I have sharpened up mentally but the leg is extra numb and I am limping bad. It is so strange how parts of my body work and others don’t at the whim of whatever it is that controls this. Everything shifts around in a constant state of flux.
As I shopped I felt that rare sensation of hunger. This is another thing that comes and goes along with other senses such as taste and smell. Being hungry in a grocery store can be a dangerous thing with me. I bought all kinds of stuff and plan on cooking a great meal for Cherie and I to enjoy together. Hope I have the energy and mental sharpness to accomplish that. I picked up some milk for Fred along with all kinds of things like avocados and tomatillas with a Mexican meal in mind.
I got home right when Cherie came home for lunch. We got the food upstairs and fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherie left for work and I started getting stuff put away. Fred called and asked if I was still going to take Barb to the church for the food hand out. I told him I won’t so he asked why despite the fact I had explained it yesterday. I explained again that Barb needs to learn to take care of herself and be responsible with what she has. She gets plenty of money for food and Fred buys her $150 of food on top of that. Basil, who lives with her and has a good job needs to be contributing also. Fred knew better than to argue so I told him I would call Barb and tell her so she would be mad at me, not him. I did and it was a short conversation. “Barb, it’s Bob. I’m not going to take you to the church tomorrow” She hung up without a word. She already knew cause Fred called her. She has to learn because Fred won’t always be there and neither will I. “What’s she going to do when your gone Fred?” I had asked. I told him the biggest favor he could do for her was force her to learn how to handle her money.
I am tired now. The brain is still functioning good just the body seems fatigued. Need to wash the dishes and get cooking because if I lay down that’s all she wrote.
OK. That was a good run but I am slowing down. Got most of the dishes don’t but the back pain always is aggravated when I stand at the sink. It is the same as when I sit here and type. Just the slight slouch as I do these tasks is what sets it off. I called Cherie to ask her where the two frozen pie crusts were. She told me we had used them a long time ago. I didn’t remember that at all, just remembered I bought them and needed to use them. Oh well, another event in the life of a man with a poor memory. I remember some stuff but not others. I am slowing down now so will lay down. This is getting hard to write. This sucks.
I am grateful. I laid down for about 45 minutes and it helped, I guess you could say I got a second wind. I saw a cooking show and she was cooking Mexican food. She made a dessert who’s name escapes me that looked good and was simple to make, so simple I remember it for the moment.
Here it goes. Into a blender she put a can of something called Media Crème, a can of evaporated milk, can of condensed milk, three whole eggs, and three egg yolks. She blended that good and made some caramel which she coated a glass pie pan with and after letting that cool she poured the mix in it. That was put in a water bath (like a double boiler) and in an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
I went to Miejer to see if they had the Media stuff but they didn’t so I guess I won’t be making that. While it is on my mind I should write something else I did today. Before I went to get Sharon I stopped by the bank to get some advice on Cherie’s car. The best thing for us to do is trade it in on another car before the bankruptcy becomes official. Well I got to cook cause I’m the one who bought all this stuff.
Cherie and I are both tired this morning. I had those vivid dreams again. Can’t remember them now but know I had them. I was thinking I would not have to go anywhere when someone called to ask if we were still going to “do that”. I asked who was calling and it was Sharon. She said I was going to drive her to the bank so she could cash her check. I am glad she called because it totally escaped my mind. I remember now. Better get showered and take my pill.
The last two days have been especially hard. The partial seizures, what I call slow downs, have come quicker, lasted longer, and have made me mentally slower than usual. I hope this trend will end. I write this hoping I will be able to relay it to the doctors I see every six months or so for neurology at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. Every time I see a doc they ask me questions that I can’t remember the answers to. It makes it impossible for them to do their job. That is one of the reasons I do this journal but how can they read it? It is nearly 600 pages long and covers all of my life not just medical issues. I have taken this laptop in but they didn’t take me up on the offer to read it.
Last night I saw a blog that interested me and tried four times to place a comment on it with no success. I hate being unable to figure out simple things especially when this brain of mine appears to still work well in other areas. Just can’t seem to get past being confused and frustrated as I have to relearn what I learned minutes before. There are times I can do well but not recently. I forget the instructions I read seconds before I try to apply them so I find myself repeating the same error over and over again. Hope I have a good day but am starting out a little slow.
It’s 1:00 now. I got Sharon to the bank ok. She is having a hard time with the withdrawals from Paxil and is worrying what she will do when she runs out of what they got for her at the emergency room. The nurse at Zeph Center had her cut the twenty milligram pills into four pieces. This helped relieve the symptoms some but not all the way. Her fear is that when she runs out of the pieces the withdrawals will return full force so I worked to allay those fears explaining that her body was getting used to less of the drug and that the withdrawals will be much less. I don’t really know but I do know it works that way with heroin and other drugs. Hope I am right.
When she got done at the bank I asked her where else she would like to go. She said she wanted a bottle but I told her no. In that discussion I let her know that alcohol is not an answer to this withdrawal and the accompanying depression but that it would only make things worse. I have been an alcoholic and been around many. While there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner drinking alone is a real bad sign so I would not help her get a “bottle” in any way.
This said she asked if I would take her to get cigarettes. That I will do because I know the nicotine will help keep her frayed nerves together and the withdrawal from nicotine is the last thing she needs. I dropped her off and called Allen on the way home to see if he still needed help.
He said he had not slept all night and had been throwing up. “I don’t know why cause I didn’t eat but one thing and it couldn’t have been bad”. I told him it wasn’t what he ate and he got defensive “What do you mean it wasn’t what I ate? What do you think it was?”. I said I would tell him later but he called me back and said he changed his mind and was in too bad a shape for me to come over. I know he had called me looking for pain killers and am fairly certain he is going through withdrawals. I told him he needs to break down and get professional help for his pain. He has been avoiding that because he has no insurance and knows surgery is the most likely cure for his neck and pack. He can’t work in his vocation as a sheetmetal worker because of his pain and let his union dues lapse. It is tough when circumstances make you poor.
Despite my concern for him I was glad to get a break and went to Kroger for groceries. By now I have sharpened up mentally but the leg is extra numb and I am limping bad. It is so strange how parts of my body work and others don’t at the whim of whatever it is that controls this. Everything shifts around in a constant state of flux.
As I shopped I felt that rare sensation of hunger. This is another thing that comes and goes along with other senses such as taste and smell. Being hungry in a grocery store can be a dangerous thing with me. I bought all kinds of stuff and plan on cooking a great meal for Cherie and I to enjoy together. Hope I have the energy and mental sharpness to accomplish that. I picked up some milk for Fred along with all kinds of things like avocados and tomatillas with a Mexican meal in mind.
I got home right when Cherie came home for lunch. We got the food upstairs and fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherie left for work and I started getting stuff put away. Fred called and asked if I was still going to take Barb to the church for the food hand out. I told him I won’t so he asked why despite the fact I had explained it yesterday. I explained again that Barb needs to learn to take care of herself and be responsible with what she has. She gets plenty of money for food and Fred buys her $150 of food on top of that. Basil, who lives with her and has a good job needs to be contributing also. Fred knew better than to argue so I told him I would call Barb and tell her so she would be mad at me, not him. I did and it was a short conversation. “Barb, it’s Bob. I’m not going to take you to the church tomorrow” She hung up without a word. She already knew cause Fred called her. She has to learn because Fred won’t always be there and neither will I. “What’s she going to do when your gone Fred?” I had asked. I told him the biggest favor he could do for her was force her to learn how to handle her money.
I am tired now. The brain is still functioning good just the body seems fatigued. Need to wash the dishes and get cooking because if I lay down that’s all she wrote.
OK. That was a good run but I am slowing down. Got most of the dishes don’t but the back pain always is aggravated when I stand at the sink. It is the same as when I sit here and type. Just the slight slouch as I do these tasks is what sets it off. I called Cherie to ask her where the two frozen pie crusts were. She told me we had used them a long time ago. I didn’t remember that at all, just remembered I bought them and needed to use them. Oh well, another event in the life of a man with a poor memory. I remember some stuff but not others. I am slowing down now so will lay down. This is getting hard to write. This sucks.
I am grateful. I laid down for about 45 minutes and it helped, I guess you could say I got a second wind. I saw a cooking show and she was cooking Mexican food. She made a dessert who’s name escapes me that looked good and was simple to make, so simple I remember it for the moment.
Here it goes. Into a blender she put a can of something called Media Crème, a can of evaporated milk, can of condensed milk, three whole eggs, and three egg yolks. She blended that good and made some caramel which she coated a glass pie pan with and after letting that cool she poured the mix in it. That was put in a water bath (like a double boiler) and in an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
I went to Miejer to see if they had the Media stuff but they didn’t so I guess I won’t be making that. While it is on my mind I should write something else I did today. Before I went to get Sharon I stopped by the bank to get some advice on Cherie’s car. The best thing for us to do is trade it in on another car before the bankruptcy becomes official. Well I got to cook cause I’m the one who bought all this stuff.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
92105 Wednesday
9/21/05 Wednesday
So far so good I woke up lucid and have showered and fixed breakfast already. I hope this lasts all day but never know.
Just called Molly at Swan Cove apartments and we talked for a while about Wayne’s needs and then Sharon’s difficulties regarding their housing. Molly had some good suggestions on how I can work on this. There is little doubt that I need an education on section 8 and LMHA. Some of the things she suggested I have known I needed to do for a while but like everything else I forget and don’t follow through. The depression has been a hindrance as well. After the rejection of those I had looked up to at church I just gave up on being anything of significance and retreated into my shell. Time to change that. Still have to fight this disability and keep going.
This morning I will take Fred to MCO for his blood test and then go downtown to see if I can piss in a bottle. I am not slow like I was yesterday so figure it will work out. I am not looking forward to talking to Fred but at least I am lucid so should be better able to control my emotions.
Allen called yesterday to let me know he had flooded his place so wouldn’t need my help. I feel bad about his flood but appreciate the time he freed up for me. He said he got distracted and left his water on till it flooded the whole place. I hope he didn’t take too many pain pills this time. His whole place is full of cigarette burns where he dropped them and evidently forgot or nodded off. You can see from the length of the burns how entire cigarettes just sat there burning. It’s scary to see and I worry because if it is from the pills he is taking way too many.
Speak of the devil. As I was writing the last sentence Allen called and asked if I knew anywhere he could get some pain meds. I told him no because I no longer run in those circles and haven’t for four years now. Besides I don’t think I would even if I could because I am sure he is now feeding an addiction instead of treating his pain. That moves it from being medication to it being poison. You don’t give your friend poison.
Fred apologized for yesterday with a quick statement during a conversation about something unrelated. Just four words muttered almost under his breath “I’m sorry about yesterday”. That works for me just fine. I did tell him that the only thing I will do for Barb is necessities such as food and medical, no fluff like haircuts. I asked if he has called her on her phone and he has which means she did get it back.
His blood test did not take long. I had to register him on the phone because he can’t read his insurance card. After I took him to the Pharm and helped him buy food. He needs to eat more vegetables because he has an iron deficiency but he doesn’t like them.
I drank a pitcher of tea and the same amount of water in preparation for my piss test, figuring it would help. A few minutes before I was going to head downtown I could feel the headache that is a precursor to a slow down coming. Earlier when I took Fred to the Pharm I had no limp at all but that was changing as I walked out to the car. By the time I was on the road I could tell it was coming on fast. I drove up to the drug test facility and just parked outside. It was about twenty till twelve, which is when they close today and I did not seem to need to use the bathroom. With the slow down I really did not feel sitting there trying to work up the ability to pee knowing I would not be able to. Besides I avoid outside contact at these times. I may get in trouble for it but I gave up and went home. I’ve been taking these tests for two years and don’t think I have missed one.
I know I am clean but that doesn’t matter. If it is an issue I will gladly pay for a hair test which will give them about a six month record to prove it. I am again having difficulty writing and want to hide in the bed as I do when the migraine gets bad. All noises are loud and lights bright so I put on easy listening stuff low to kind of mask that and help me distress. Driving home was rough. I just coasted along instead of my usually more aggressive style. No surprises or quick thinking needed. This is getting worse. I so wanted to work on the website but not now. Hopefully this slowdown will go as quickly as it came. I also need to work on Wayne and Sharon’s housing needs but must put that on hold also. It is getting hot so I suppose I should turn on the air. I am done for now. Will lay down.
It’s 2:45 now. Still slow but functional. Cherie returned the call I made about cooking the cabbage rolls. I am surprised I was able to call the lawyer for Wayne and communicate but she had a hard time or I did understanding. She asked lots of questions I did not have an answer to. I set up an appointment. Tried to call Wayne about it but his line was busy. After trying for 45 minutes I called Sharon and asked her to knock on his door and hang the phone up figuring he had knocked it off the hook. He called and said he had been talking to his friend. I was short with him, probably cause I feel rough. Not good but part of this TBI thing.
Fixed the melted peanut butter on toast with honey thing I like. Cherie got worried when I told her I didn’t do the test but I told her to relax. This being slow sucks. I read what I wrote earlier and it is not well said. Oh well I know what I was trying to say. I give and will go back to bed. It is 3:00 and this is all I got done. Not productive. Still peeing out all the tea I drank earlier. Took my second pill.
I was still slow when Cherie came home but better. We ate the rolled cabbage she got at K&J that I put in the stove earlier. It was good but of course made better by her company. We watched the news on hurricane Rita and had some ice cream. After that Cherie reminded me that I had put going to the storage unit on the calendar so we went. I had forgotten about it but that is what I seem to do best. As usual if something isn’t written down it doesn’t happen. There is so much I want to do like call my kids but it never happens because I don’t schedule it in the calendar. At the storage unit we cleaned out the trunk and I found a bottle of oil so I checked it. The dipstick was absolutely dry. I had heard the motor a few days ago and was going to check it but forgot as usual. I did remember to schedule taking Cherie to work and then having the oil changed. This is the frustrating part. I have these bright moments where I remember stuff like that and have learned to act while the thought is there but then it vanishes again. I put 3 quarts in the car before it registered full which means it was running on one quart or so of oil. That is right on the edge of blowing the motor entirely which would put us in a bad bad position. She owes $3000.00 on the car after paying on it for five years. She owes more than it is worth.
So far so good I woke up lucid and have showered and fixed breakfast already. I hope this lasts all day but never know.
Just called Molly at Swan Cove apartments and we talked for a while about Wayne’s needs and then Sharon’s difficulties regarding their housing. Molly had some good suggestions on how I can work on this. There is little doubt that I need an education on section 8 and LMHA. Some of the things she suggested I have known I needed to do for a while but like everything else I forget and don’t follow through. The depression has been a hindrance as well. After the rejection of those I had looked up to at church I just gave up on being anything of significance and retreated into my shell. Time to change that. Still have to fight this disability and keep going.
This morning I will take Fred to MCO for his blood test and then go downtown to see if I can piss in a bottle. I am not slow like I was yesterday so figure it will work out. I am not looking forward to talking to Fred but at least I am lucid so should be better able to control my emotions.
Allen called yesterday to let me know he had flooded his place so wouldn’t need my help. I feel bad about his flood but appreciate the time he freed up for me. He said he got distracted and left his water on till it flooded the whole place. I hope he didn’t take too many pain pills this time. His whole place is full of cigarette burns where he dropped them and evidently forgot or nodded off. You can see from the length of the burns how entire cigarettes just sat there burning. It’s scary to see and I worry because if it is from the pills he is taking way too many.
Speak of the devil. As I was writing the last sentence Allen called and asked if I knew anywhere he could get some pain meds. I told him no because I no longer run in those circles and haven’t for four years now. Besides I don’t think I would even if I could because I am sure he is now feeding an addiction instead of treating his pain. That moves it from being medication to it being poison. You don’t give your friend poison.
Fred apologized for yesterday with a quick statement during a conversation about something unrelated. Just four words muttered almost under his breath “I’m sorry about yesterday”. That works for me just fine. I did tell him that the only thing I will do for Barb is necessities such as food and medical, no fluff like haircuts. I asked if he has called her on her phone and he has which means she did get it back.
His blood test did not take long. I had to register him on the phone because he can’t read his insurance card. After I took him to the Pharm and helped him buy food. He needs to eat more vegetables because he has an iron deficiency but he doesn’t like them.
I drank a pitcher of tea and the same amount of water in preparation for my piss test, figuring it would help. A few minutes before I was going to head downtown I could feel the headache that is a precursor to a slow down coming. Earlier when I took Fred to the Pharm I had no limp at all but that was changing as I walked out to the car. By the time I was on the road I could tell it was coming on fast. I drove up to the drug test facility and just parked outside. It was about twenty till twelve, which is when they close today and I did not seem to need to use the bathroom. With the slow down I really did not feel sitting there trying to work up the ability to pee knowing I would not be able to. Besides I avoid outside contact at these times. I may get in trouble for it but I gave up and went home. I’ve been taking these tests for two years and don’t think I have missed one.
I know I am clean but that doesn’t matter. If it is an issue I will gladly pay for a hair test which will give them about a six month record to prove it. I am again having difficulty writing and want to hide in the bed as I do when the migraine gets bad. All noises are loud and lights bright so I put on easy listening stuff low to kind of mask that and help me distress. Driving home was rough. I just coasted along instead of my usually more aggressive style. No surprises or quick thinking needed. This is getting worse. I so wanted to work on the website but not now. Hopefully this slowdown will go as quickly as it came. I also need to work on Wayne and Sharon’s housing needs but must put that on hold also. It is getting hot so I suppose I should turn on the air. I am done for now. Will lay down.
It’s 2:45 now. Still slow but functional. Cherie returned the call I made about cooking the cabbage rolls. I am surprised I was able to call the lawyer for Wayne and communicate but she had a hard time or I did understanding. She asked lots of questions I did not have an answer to. I set up an appointment. Tried to call Wayne about it but his line was busy. After trying for 45 minutes I called Sharon and asked her to knock on his door and hang the phone up figuring he had knocked it off the hook. He called and said he had been talking to his friend. I was short with him, probably cause I feel rough. Not good but part of this TBI thing.
Fixed the melted peanut butter on toast with honey thing I like. Cherie got worried when I told her I didn’t do the test but I told her to relax. This being slow sucks. I read what I wrote earlier and it is not well said. Oh well I know what I was trying to say. I give and will go back to bed. It is 3:00 and this is all I got done. Not productive. Still peeing out all the tea I drank earlier. Took my second pill.
I was still slow when Cherie came home but better. We ate the rolled cabbage she got at K&J that I put in the stove earlier. It was good but of course made better by her company. We watched the news on hurricane Rita and had some ice cream. After that Cherie reminded me that I had put going to the storage unit on the calendar so we went. I had forgotten about it but that is what I seem to do best. As usual if something isn’t written down it doesn’t happen. There is so much I want to do like call my kids but it never happens because I don’t schedule it in the calendar. At the storage unit we cleaned out the trunk and I found a bottle of oil so I checked it. The dipstick was absolutely dry. I had heard the motor a few days ago and was going to check it but forgot as usual. I did remember to schedule taking Cherie to work and then having the oil changed. This is the frustrating part. I have these bright moments where I remember stuff like that and have learned to act while the thought is there but then it vanishes again. I put 3 quarts in the car before it registered full which means it was running on one quart or so of oil. That is right on the edge of blowing the motor entirely which would put us in a bad bad position. She owes $3000.00 on the car after paying on it for five years. She owes more than it is worth.
92005 Tuesday
9/20/05 Tuesday
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
92005 Tuesday
9/20/05 Tuesday
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
It is 1:00 in the morning. I am tired as evidenced by my yawning but could not go to sleep so I got up. Still slow but may have improved but can’t tell. I think I will bring up all the journals I have on this laptop and coordinate the entries then eliminate the surplus. As I type I can tell I am still operating at the level I was earlier. About a 3 or 4. The headache is gone but my ears are ringing.
When I checked my E mail earlier there was one from Jill concerning potential housing for Wayne. I couldn’t understand it at first so I called her. As the phone rang my dim mind figured out what she was trying to say so I called Wayne. She had called him with information on the housing and gave him the phone number and contact name. He thought she had E mailed me that info so hadn’t bothered to call me. I got the number and wrote it in my calendar so I could remember to call. Of course I saw the note I had placed in there to call an attorney regarding his Social Security and forgot to do. Hopefully I will do better today but if I don’t speed up or get some sleep it will be doubtful.
What a confusing mess all these journals are. I found eight of them. Some are identical and some are not. A few were doubled up, repeating the beginning halfway through. There are gunshots nearby. Two different calibers. It is now 2:55 AM.
I finally went to bed at a little after three but still did not go to sleep. I don’t know why. It wasn’t because my mind was racing or anything like that, at least I don’t think so. The good news is I am operating at about an 8 on my 1 to 10 scale. I got up and going with Cherie as I need to pick up Sharon this morning and get her to the doctor. I will take this laptop with the hope I will find time to work on things like all the journal entries and the web site building stuff that’s in MS Office.
Got to leave now after I gulp down this cup of Bob coffee.
I got Sharon to Zeph and her doctor wants her to reduce her medication slowly till she is off of it. They won’t give her anything to replace it till she is done for fear of drug interaction. With that done she asked if I could take her grocery shopping and to see her former in laws whom she regards as parents. They go to Westside and recognized me when I went in with Sharon. We visited for a short time and then I ran her to the bank and Kroger’s.
When I took her home the guy who is moving in with the girl next to Wayne was getting stuff out of his Cadillac. Sharon didn’t want me to say anything to him but I felt that I needed to let him know I was around. “You a new resident?” I asked. I could tell it made him nervous and he said he was just helping his sister, which is probably a lie as the traffic increased when he arrived a couple of days ago. He asked Sharon if I stayed with her and she said I did. When I let her know that wasn’t good she told me that if he thought I stayed there it would protect her. I told her to let him know I was an advocate and worked with agencies to help those with disabilities.
After I helped her carry her groceries up I knocked on Wayne’s door to see how he was doing. I woke him up and he told me that the guy I had been talking with the other day had tried to commit suicide. His girl friend had dumped him so he went off, slitting his wrists and running out into a corn field. I asked Wayne if he had been committed and he said no so I told him they need to inform the authorities so he could get help. Wayne wasn’t too with it and I had to explain that again. He was shady on the details but that can be attributed to the memory loss from M.S. I told Wayne that if the guy next door asked about me to indicate I worked with agencies and authorities with the hope it would encourage the guy not to cause trouble.
When I got home I let Fred know it was time for him to fill up the Lincoln. He went into instant whine mode saying “I haven’t gone anywhere this week. You did your stuff so why should I pay.”. This set me off. I had run him and Barb around this week as I do every week. We had an agreement that we would split the cost and actually I have been bearing more than my share to be correct. I said “Fine, I’ll fill it” and went upstairs to cool off. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got so I went through the records I keep of every mile and dime I put into his car. I went back three months and added up all the gas, which includes his purchases that I track because I’m the one who fills it up. Then I printed out where I went and what I did which showed a majority of it was for him and Barb. Then I wrote that if he let Barb play him like a fool that was his business but I was paying for part of it. I dropped it off to him as I left to see my probation officer.
I started out doing well but it turned into a high pain day. The limp was real bad and both the guard at urinalysis and Julie could tell I hurt from looking at my face. I slowed down to a 4 and had a hard time talking. I had drunk over a gallon of tea and water because I always have a hard time peeing in a cup with a guy staring at it to insure I don’t cheat. Despite having to go so bad I danced I couldn’t relax enough to do it. After two tries I gave up and went to see Julie.
Julie told me she got my phone call about completing my community service but had not started the paperwork to get me off probation yet. This is the first time she has seen me slow and she insisted I take the elevator down because the limp was so bad she was afraid I would fall down the stairs.
I went and filled up the car and when I got home was glad Fred did not come out to talk. I hurt and don’t want to talk because in this state I can get pretty angry and wouldn’t mince words. Right now the brain has sped up but the pain is worse. This time it is in the mid to lower back which is not where I usually hurt. Both sides where the kidneys are, are knotting up pretty bad. I am tired and dizzy on top of it. Cherie had asked me to cook the salmon yesterday and I forgot all about it till now. I will have to check this journal to see but I think I had a slow down yesterday about dinner time. That would account for my forgetting. I will lay down to see if it reduces the pain. It would be a good time for aspirin and a pain pill.
I was operating at about a 3 when Cherie got home, real rough and high pain. I tried to tell her about my day but finally just told her to go read this journal. Fred called and asked me if I was still going to take him to the doctor tomorrow. He also asked how much money I spent on gas. I told him $22.00 but it was $28.00. No big deal. He started on the problem we are having and I didn’t cut any corners. For some reason he wanted me to start tracking how much money Wayne gives me for gas. I told him it didn’t matter because our deal was to split the cost. He then said something to the effect that what Wayne gives me for gas should be counted separately from what my donation is. Kind of a third party in this. Now he is nickel and dimeing things. I tried to keep my cool but finally went off on him. I told him it didn’t matter what Wayne paid me as long as I paid my share. He said he didn’t see it that way so I told him this was getting old, we had gone through this before. He kept on till I told him I didn’t need his damn car and would bring him his keys. He started back pedaling then.
Now that I think about it his car is a problem for me because it takes so much of my prime time away. I spend so many of the few hours my brain is operating at an optimal level driving Barb around and doing stuff for her. I don’t mind helping Fred, Wayne, and Sharon but Barb is getting old as I watch her use Fred and by association me. She has enough money and her case worker is paid to take her to vital appointments but her lifestyle choices eat that up. She needs to wallow in the mud of her choices and drugs. If she chooses change then I will be glad to help but not right now.
I showed Cherie the website builder I discovered in this computer and what I had started doing. My lucidity had been increasing and while I was telling her of my vision for the website and our future it bumped up to a 9 on the Bob scale. It is rare for me to be this clear headed and I have not been enthusiastic with this kind of energetic optimism in ages. It was shades of who I used to be prior to the wreck.
The website I have been designing in my head for over a year now and finding this tool helped bring much of that back. I had been so excited and looked forward to doing positive things when we joined Cedar Creek but they killed it. I shrunk away from dreams and people after that and lost all enthusiasm for life. I hope it returns and liked the taste I had of it today.
Cherie gave me some over the counter pills to help me sleep because I was up all night. A good idea. Think I will go to bed and get my clock back in time with the day and night.
Monday, September 19, 2005
91905 Monday
9/19/05 Monday
This morning started out well. I woke up with the brain operating at a seven or so. I was scheduled to get Sharon to the Zeph Center so her doctor could help her with the withdrawals from Paxil. She called and talked to Cherie who answered the phone. Cherie was late for work cause Sharon just talks and talks and Cherie is to nice to say “I got to go”. Sharon had decided not to go till she could call and find out if the doc was in. The doc won’t be in till tomorrow morning and Sharon has enough meds to last till then.
I think to myself that I will have a day to myself and may actually get things done on the book, blog, and maybe explore creating a web page. Last night I looked at programs available on this laptop. There is tons of stuff that can be useful if I learn how to use it. The Microsoft Office program again came up with it’s message that I have to activate it. I’ve been activating it with no luck and now it says I have done so too many times. I called the phone number given, which directed me to one of the call centers in India. The lady was a bit hard to understand but we got it all fixed, at least I think so but time will tell.
As I am telling myself I need to approach these tasks such as writing the book as a job the phone rings. It is Dave who starts asking me if I have much to do today or tomorrow or anytime. “What do you need Dave?” I asked. His van broke down and he needs me to fix it again. I explained my tools are in Cherie’s car and I wouldn’t be able to spend all day on it but would come out and look at it. He gave me a place to stay when I was on the street so it is the least I can do. Actually I would do it any way cause that’s me. Time to go. The sooner I leave the sooner I get back. Chow.
Dave’s van requires more than I could do at this time. It was good to visit him and I will research his vehicle and return Friday to work on it. I got home in time to see Cherie and then went over to the Distillery to get lunch. Had a couple of beers with the hamburger and am now tired. I completed some surveys on the net and I think I will lay down now.
I napped till about 5:00 when Cherie came home from work. The headache is back with the slow down it often heralds. I took some aspirin and a Tramadol. It is frustrating when I lose my prime times like I did this morning. There is a balance I must reach but don’t quite know how because peoples needs often come up without warning. Those who judged me because I do not have a regular job do not realize I do work hard and make sacrifices for others. Of course I don’t get a pay check but I do get paid in a way some won’t understand. I live by my philosophies. I don’t just say what sounds good to impress others but practice what I say. Like I carved on the plaque I made as I recovered in St. Louis “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has real lasting value is the lives you touch.”
While I am thinking about it I should write about the invitation that was E mailed to me from Donna at Cedar Creek. I may have already written about it but cannot remember. I think she messed up and sent it to me by accident for I really suspect that if I showed up it would bother them greatly. I kind of want to go to meet the others in the Life Support group I had started to get to know. Of course I don’t remember any of their names except the leader Dave and maybe the tall guy who’s name may be Troy.
Fred called and needs to go to MCO for a blood test so I will take him Wednesday morning. That is much more important than helping Allen so I will push his time up.
I so wish I was up to speed right now but even the last two paragraphs have come slow, taking an hour with me having to use spell check often. Cherie went to buy some stuff she needs and I suspect that if she was here to talk with me my voice would have that sound I don’t like. I don’t know how to describe it. Kind of like a child with Down’s Syndrome or something. At its worst I stutter. Typing is hard. I have to be very deliberate and often use the wrong word and punch the wrong key as I spell. I won’t quit and won’t go back to bed.
No body is reading the blog or at least making comments. Of course I haven’t told anyone where to access it except Jill and the other lady I met at the MS luncheon. I kind of wanted to have it figured out and put together right before I announced the blog to all I know.
This morning I was learning again how to back up stuff to a CD but I will have to do it all over again. I did learn that I can’t write on a DVD or at least I don’t think so. That would mean the packs of blank DVD’s I have are useless. The device in this laptop will write CD’s and play DVD’s so I assumed it could write on the DVD. I told Cherie I need to take classes on computer stuff. If I practice something it usually stays, at least for a while but will fade if I don’t keep doing it.
I am afraid. As I struggle to write this my fear is there will come a time that I will be stuck at this level of cognizance or worse with out the bright spots. Cherie just came in and I was right about my voice.
I tried and tried to back up this journal to the CD. It just tells me the drive is not available. I give. I hate when I slow down. Feel stupid.
This morning started out well. I woke up with the brain operating at a seven or so. I was scheduled to get Sharon to the Zeph Center so her doctor could help her with the withdrawals from Paxil. She called and talked to Cherie who answered the phone. Cherie was late for work cause Sharon just talks and talks and Cherie is to nice to say “I got to go”. Sharon had decided not to go till she could call and find out if the doc was in. The doc won’t be in till tomorrow morning and Sharon has enough meds to last till then.
I think to myself that I will have a day to myself and may actually get things done on the book, blog, and maybe explore creating a web page. Last night I looked at programs available on this laptop. There is tons of stuff that can be useful if I learn how to use it. The Microsoft Office program again came up with it’s message that I have to activate it. I’ve been activating it with no luck and now it says I have done so too many times. I called the phone number given, which directed me to one of the call centers in India. The lady was a bit hard to understand but we got it all fixed, at least I think so but time will tell.
As I am telling myself I need to approach these tasks such as writing the book as a job the phone rings. It is Dave who starts asking me if I have much to do today or tomorrow or anytime. “What do you need Dave?” I asked. His van broke down and he needs me to fix it again. I explained my tools are in Cherie’s car and I wouldn’t be able to spend all day on it but would come out and look at it. He gave me a place to stay when I was on the street so it is the least I can do. Actually I would do it any way cause that’s me. Time to go. The sooner I leave the sooner I get back. Chow.
Dave’s van requires more than I could do at this time. It was good to visit him and I will research his vehicle and return Friday to work on it. I got home in time to see Cherie and then went over to the Distillery to get lunch. Had a couple of beers with the hamburger and am now tired. I completed some surveys on the net and I think I will lay down now.
I napped till about 5:00 when Cherie came home from work. The headache is back with the slow down it often heralds. I took some aspirin and a Tramadol. It is frustrating when I lose my prime times like I did this morning. There is a balance I must reach but don’t quite know how because peoples needs often come up without warning. Those who judged me because I do not have a regular job do not realize I do work hard and make sacrifices for others. Of course I don’t get a pay check but I do get paid in a way some won’t understand. I live by my philosophies. I don’t just say what sounds good to impress others but practice what I say. Like I carved on the plaque I made as I recovered in St. Louis “Money and things can vanish in a flash. What has real lasting value is the lives you touch.”
While I am thinking about it I should write about the invitation that was E mailed to me from Donna at Cedar Creek. I may have already written about it but cannot remember. I think she messed up and sent it to me by accident for I really suspect that if I showed up it would bother them greatly. I kind of want to go to meet the others in the Life Support group I had started to get to know. Of course I don’t remember any of their names except the leader Dave and maybe the tall guy who’s name may be Troy.
Fred called and needs to go to MCO for a blood test so I will take him Wednesday morning. That is much more important than helping Allen so I will push his time up.
I so wish I was up to speed right now but even the last two paragraphs have come slow, taking an hour with me having to use spell check often. Cherie went to buy some stuff she needs and I suspect that if she was here to talk with me my voice would have that sound I don’t like. I don’t know how to describe it. Kind of like a child with Down’s Syndrome or something. At its worst I stutter. Typing is hard. I have to be very deliberate and often use the wrong word and punch the wrong key as I spell. I won’t quit and won’t go back to bed.
No body is reading the blog or at least making comments. Of course I haven’t told anyone where to access it except Jill and the other lady I met at the MS luncheon. I kind of wanted to have it figured out and put together right before I announced the blog to all I know.
This morning I was learning again how to back up stuff to a CD but I will have to do it all over again. I did learn that I can’t write on a DVD or at least I don’t think so. That would mean the packs of blank DVD’s I have are useless. The device in this laptop will write CD’s and play DVD’s so I assumed it could write on the DVD. I told Cherie I need to take classes on computer stuff. If I practice something it usually stays, at least for a while but will fade if I don’t keep doing it.
I am afraid. As I struggle to write this my fear is there will come a time that I will be stuck at this level of cognizance or worse with out the bright spots. Cherie just came in and I was right about my voice.
I tried and tried to back up this journal to the CD. It just tells me the drive is not available. I give. I hate when I slow down. Feel stupid.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
91705 Saturday
9/17/05 Saturday
It has been interesting as always. I am fixing to go to Sharon’s to give her information on the Paxil she can no longer get. When I went on the net it became clear that her problems with that drug are common and dangerous. There are many lawsuits going on so I hope to get her on board that train. Hopefully when I get back I will be cognizant enough to fill in today’s events.
It is 7:20 and I just got home. This has been an interesting day and I have much to write while I am still sharp. The day started with me taking Fred to pick up Barb and get her to the dentist. While we headed over to Barb’s I mentioned that Basil still lived there. Fred got upset and said he didn’t want to hear it so I shut up.
We got Barb to the dentist and waited outside. She went in and came back out in just a few minutes telling us the office was packed and she was told they are running behind. She started needling Fred to buy her some coffee. After a while he gave in so I started up the car and headed out to find a carry out or someplace that sold coffee. That done we went back to the dentist and again stayed in the car when Barb went in. We waited an hour and a half getting more and more impatient as time ticked by. Finally Barb came out so we left to go to Kroger where Fred was going to buy Barb groceries. I had already advised him this was just enabling her to be wasteful and probably get more drugs. He had tried to disguise the fact he was doing the shopping for her but I pretty much knew it all along.
In Kroger Barb was not listening to Fred and getting as much as she could, taking advantage of the fact he could not see. I had left them to themselves and walked around the store to give them breathing room. When I came back it changed quickly as I would tell Fred the prices. Barb would go off and bring packages back, trying to slip them into the shopping cart like a kid sneaking candy. Fred was getting tired so I motivated things to get this finished.
With that done Fred took us to Red Wells where he told Barb not to go overboard cause he did not have much money. This time Barb actually listened and just got a roast beef sandwich. As we ate I asked Barb again how much money she got a month for food. She had avoided answering that before but couldn’t now. It was $200.00 so I asked if Basil was giving her money to cover his food. Barb had been talking about how Basil was working today and left at seven. Fred finally heard and angrily asked Barb if Basil was still living with her. She wouldn’t answer so I told her she better tell the truth because I already knew the answer. Now Fred understood Barb had been steadily lying to him and it crushed him. He looked at me and said he was the biggest sap in the world.
Now Barb, seeing her lies exposed, started backpedaling hard and then in anger told me “I don’t talk about you so why are you talking about me?”. I told her that the truth is the truth and she could talk about me all she wanted. She tried to get Fred upset at me telling him I used pot, I didn’t work and was leaching off my wife, and anything else she could think of. I just laughed. We got her home and I carried in her food and left. Fred was demolished as he realized how he had been used. He cares for her and I told him I would still take her to necessary appointments but he needed to make her responsible for her money because she got plenty for her food. He agreed but I think he will relent as she pulls her “I’m starving” guilt trip.
Back home Cherie called me to let me know Sharon had called from the hospital and needed a ride home. She had gone into the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning because of the withdrawals from the Paxil that the pharmacy’s no longer seemed to have. Eventually Sharon called me and asked me if I could print out the internet stuff on Paxil I had looked up for her the other day. I did so and found this was a national problem with major lawsuits all across the country. I downloaded lots of stuff including phone numbers of law firms handling the suits.
I took this to her and we talked about it. She is in bad shape. The hospital was clueless about these issues and apparently so are most medical professionals, including pharmacists. The drug company has been keeping this under wraps despite pulling it off the shelves and leaving thousands of those who required medication for depression to go through nasty withdrawals. Not good but not unusual for the drug companies who are milking the world for all they can get. No honor or integrity here.
After talking with Sharon I went down and visited with Wayne. Some friends of his son were visiting and we ended up talking about God. I taught them for two hours, answering questions and I guess counseling also. Then Cherie called to see what happened to me. I then realized what time it was and excused myself to go home where Cherie was fixing chicken enchiladas. Now I am tired and will call it a day.
9/18/05 Sunday
I am not real speedy this morning and maybe depressed.
Cherie had lots she wanted to do so I told her to stay home instead of going to church. I went to make sure Bill got my community support report and kind of wanted to see if he had any feed back on my comments to him Wednesday. I didn’t get a chance to talk but I did leave my report. I talked to the couple who sat in front of me. I could tell they were not well off which made me more comfortable with them. The guys name is John I think but I can’t remember the woman’s name (I presume she is his wife)
I had Cherie buy steaks yesterday so we could cook out for Wayne so I picked him up after church. I decided we would do this at our apartment cause I have no interest cooking outdoors at Wayne’s due to the drugs and characters there. It went well but I put a DVD on this computer so we could watch it. I suppose I should buy a regular DVD player for our TV cause this isn’t conducive to an audience.
We watched the Aviator about Howard Hughes. It started out ok but got pretty boring and slow. I was getting tired and didn’t want to be rude so hung in there as the movie seemed to drone on forever. I finally asked Wayne if it was boring him and told him I would just give him the DVD to take home. He was bored and had wanted to go home but was being polite also.
It has been interesting as always. I am fixing to go to Sharon’s to give her information on the Paxil she can no longer get. When I went on the net it became clear that her problems with that drug are common and dangerous. There are many lawsuits going on so I hope to get her on board that train. Hopefully when I get back I will be cognizant enough to fill in today’s events.
It is 7:20 and I just got home. This has been an interesting day and I have much to write while I am still sharp. The day started with me taking Fred to pick up Barb and get her to the dentist. While we headed over to Barb’s I mentioned that Basil still lived there. Fred got upset and said he didn’t want to hear it so I shut up.
We got Barb to the dentist and waited outside. She went in and came back out in just a few minutes telling us the office was packed and she was told they are running behind. She started needling Fred to buy her some coffee. After a while he gave in so I started up the car and headed out to find a carry out or someplace that sold coffee. That done we went back to the dentist and again stayed in the car when Barb went in. We waited an hour and a half getting more and more impatient as time ticked by. Finally Barb came out so we left to go to Kroger where Fred was going to buy Barb groceries. I had already advised him this was just enabling her to be wasteful and probably get more drugs. He had tried to disguise the fact he was doing the shopping for her but I pretty much knew it all along.
In Kroger Barb was not listening to Fred and getting as much as she could, taking advantage of the fact he could not see. I had left them to themselves and walked around the store to give them breathing room. When I came back it changed quickly as I would tell Fred the prices. Barb would go off and bring packages back, trying to slip them into the shopping cart like a kid sneaking candy. Fred was getting tired so I motivated things to get this finished.
With that done Fred took us to Red Wells where he told Barb not to go overboard cause he did not have much money. This time Barb actually listened and just got a roast beef sandwich. As we ate I asked Barb again how much money she got a month for food. She had avoided answering that before but couldn’t now. It was $200.00 so I asked if Basil was giving her money to cover his food. Barb had been talking about how Basil was working today and left at seven. Fred finally heard and angrily asked Barb if Basil was still living with her. She wouldn’t answer so I told her she better tell the truth because I already knew the answer. Now Fred understood Barb had been steadily lying to him and it crushed him. He looked at me and said he was the biggest sap in the world.
Now Barb, seeing her lies exposed, started backpedaling hard and then in anger told me “I don’t talk about you so why are you talking about me?”. I told her that the truth is the truth and she could talk about me all she wanted. She tried to get Fred upset at me telling him I used pot, I didn’t work and was leaching off my wife, and anything else she could think of. I just laughed. We got her home and I carried in her food and left. Fred was demolished as he realized how he had been used. He cares for her and I told him I would still take her to necessary appointments but he needed to make her responsible for her money because she got plenty for her food. He agreed but I think he will relent as she pulls her “I’m starving” guilt trip.
Back home Cherie called me to let me know Sharon had called from the hospital and needed a ride home. She had gone into the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning because of the withdrawals from the Paxil that the pharmacy’s no longer seemed to have. Eventually Sharon called me and asked me if I could print out the internet stuff on Paxil I had looked up for her the other day. I did so and found this was a national problem with major lawsuits all across the country. I downloaded lots of stuff including phone numbers of law firms handling the suits.
I took this to her and we talked about it. She is in bad shape. The hospital was clueless about these issues and apparently so are most medical professionals, including pharmacists. The drug company has been keeping this under wraps despite pulling it off the shelves and leaving thousands of those who required medication for depression to go through nasty withdrawals. Not good but not unusual for the drug companies who are milking the world for all they can get. No honor or integrity here.
After talking with Sharon I went down and visited with Wayne. Some friends of his son were visiting and we ended up talking about God. I taught them for two hours, answering questions and I guess counseling also. Then Cherie called to see what happened to me. I then realized what time it was and excused myself to go home where Cherie was fixing chicken enchiladas. Now I am tired and will call it a day.
9/18/05 Sunday
I am not real speedy this morning and maybe depressed.
Cherie had lots she wanted to do so I told her to stay home instead of going to church. I went to make sure Bill got my community support report and kind of wanted to see if he had any feed back on my comments to him Wednesday. I didn’t get a chance to talk but I did leave my report. I talked to the couple who sat in front of me. I could tell they were not well off which made me more comfortable with them. The guys name is John I think but I can’t remember the woman’s name (I presume she is his wife)
I had Cherie buy steaks yesterday so we could cook out for Wayne so I picked him up after church. I decided we would do this at our apartment cause I have no interest cooking outdoors at Wayne’s due to the drugs and characters there. It went well but I put a DVD on this computer so we could watch it. I suppose I should buy a regular DVD player for our TV cause this isn’t conducive to an audience.
We watched the Aviator about Howard Hughes. It started out ok but got pretty boring and slow. I was getting tired and didn’t want to be rude so hung in there as the movie seemed to drone on forever. I finally asked Wayne if it was boring him and told him I would just give him the DVD to take home. He was bored and had wanted to go home but was being polite also.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
9-16-05 More stuff
9/16/05 Friday
It is 5:25 in the morning now. I have been up an hour. Woke up to the sound of water dripping from the bedroom window as it does with every rain. I pulled the latch to tighten the window hoping it will reduce this flow. I know I do this every time it rains but don’t remember if it works or not. I fixed some scrambled eggs and Bob coffee, which is unusually strong even for me. It is kinda like a liquid defibrillator as the caffeine jolts my system. I was slow at the end of the day and still have difficulty writing this but not to bad. About a six or seven on the Bob scale of cognizance.
I tried to post on my blog but it doesn’t seem to have gone through. It is not on the blog but the record of the post shows when I push the tool bar button that is at the top of this Word page. As usual I am confused and will have to go back to the basics on the educational instructions at Blog.com and relearn what I already studied. I get tired of being confused. It makes me feel stupid when everyone tells me how smart I am. I will try a small post in case I had tried to put too much on at once and exceeded the limits set by the blog host (or whatever you call them). I wish I had money to pay someone to help me learn how to do this and put it together.
The document I pasted yesterday and this morning entry on and tried to publish to the blog is labeled as editing on the bottom tool bar. I don’t know what that means. I looked at the blogger site and still can’t figure this out. I don’t remember my password and stuff so that makes it hard. I hope I wrote this down somewhere but don’t know if I did or where it would be. Typical Bob, lost again in a simple world… I will take a break and try again. Cherie just got up and is getting ready for work.
Jeff didn’t make it to our Friday morning breakfast. I called and woke him up at 8:25. He had not gone to bed till 1:30 this morning as he and his soon to be ex. had to move their stuff out of the house. This has to be a tough time for him. At least there is progress on the divorce for they will sit down with the lawyers for the first time soon. I know how hard this is having gone through that hell myself.
I just got done exploring the blog to figure out what I am doing wrong if anything. Played with a few buttons and republished with no immediate effect. I will check later to see if anything worked.
Fred called while I was at the Waffle house and would like me to take him across the street to the Marathon where he wants to talk to Tom face to face. He would like me to do that at 10:00.
I ate too much between the eggs I cooked and what I ordered at the Waffle House. Shouldn’t have ordered but kind of felt it would be correct seeing I had sat there drinking coffee for a while. Too much coffee also. This has my stomach upset and acid so will take a tums. Been up five hours now and am tired despite it only being 9:26.
Finally something seems to be working right. I looked at the blog on Mozzila, the suggested browser and saw no change. Then I used Explorer to pull up the blog and “hurray” the posts are there.
I just got back from taking Fred across the street. That only took five minutes. I am still tired and think I will take a nap with the hope it will refresh me. There is nothing else scheduled for today so I hope to get stuff done. All the coffee did nothing for me, almost seems to have made me tired. Damn, I feel the headache coming so will take aspirin for it. Actually because I want to not be hindered on this free day I will take a pain pill also with the hope of catching the headache before it gets bad. I am operating at about a 6 level now. Not good but not too bad.
Slowed way down. A 3 or so. Had a real hard time sending E mails to Jill and Darlene. Cherie came home for lunch and as usual I can tell more when I talk. I knew I was bad because couldn’t do stuff. Even this paragraph is hard. So inconvenient. It sucks because of the timing. Was hoping to accomplish so much. Will wash dishes cause that I can do even slow.
I just called some of the places suggested by Jill for housing for Wayne and Sharon. Dove Manor has a one year waiting list. They gave me the name of preferred properties where I left a message. I will call the area office on aging cause that was suggested also. Probably should call the ability center also.
Still don’t feel good but calling around helped stimulate the brain so my speech improved. While I am remembering it I will record this. Dave called last night at 11:00. His van wouldn’t start and his bike is in the shop so he needed a ride to work. I felt real bad but was not willing to go get him. We had just been going to bed for the night and I did not feel up to getting dressed and driving nearly sixty miles in the middle of the night. I would have done it any other time.
I hate to lay down but the headache has not been touched by the pills and I am sweating. Kind of like I am fighting something off. I’ll rest and see if that helps refresh me.
It didn’t. This is one of those day long slow downs. I don’t get them often, thank God, but these are the rougher times. It is now 4:00. I can’t remember what time I laid down. I curled up and drifted on that edge between sleep and wakefulness. Turned the TV on and watched fifteen minutes of Judge Judy with little comprehension. I feel weak and the sensation of hunger is really strong as if I have not eaten in days. It is so weird to not feel hungry except on rare occasions because of the TBI and to then have it amplified like this. In addition to that my sense of smell is also present and extreme. Makes me want to shower and brush my teeth again because the odors of my body assail my nose. I showered and brushed this morning as well as putting on clean clothes so I am confident it is not as bad as it seems. I will ask Cherie when she comes home to double check cause I really don’t want to be offensive. My headache is still there in addition to the right leg being hard to function.
I want to cook dinner for Cherie and will look to see if anything in the fridge inspires me. Inspiration would be a good thing right now.
I remembered that Sharon had called a day or three ago regarding not being able to get her prescription for Paxil so I called her to check. She said James pharmacy still did not have it. I went on line to investigate because there are so many drugs that are being pulled of the market. Come to find out the makers of Paxil are being sued regarding misleading techniques particularly with children and a judge had ordered them to stop distributing it for kids. I had also been calling for housing for Sharon and come to think of it that is why I called her and she brought the paxil up. I called a pharmacist up and he did say the brand name was hard to find but there are plenty of generics available. On the web there was a lot of info about withdrawals and other issues which I told Sharon about. Part of that is the zapping sensation she has in the back of her neck. I told her to call her doc at the Zeph Center but he will be gone now. If she can’t get a hold of him I will take her to the emergency room.
Cherie is home and as I worked on all this I began to sharpen up. It is strange, I could feel a physical sensation, a kind of slow rush as my ability to type increased and my mind cleared. We are going to Don Pablos for Mexican and got to go now to beat the crowd.
Now it is 2:00 in the morning and the bar across the parking lot is closing down. I remember waking up at 1:00 and going back to bed. When I woke up and put my glasses on to see what time it was I was disappointed to see I had only slept one hour. It is not good for my clock to get turned around like this. My stomach is upset, probably from the spicy Mexican food we enjoyed. Oh well, all good things come with a price.
I am listening to the sirens of emergency vehicles coming near one at a time and can tell that the incident they are responding to is close as the sirens cut off with their arrival. Perhaps that or the noise of drunk patrons leaving at bar time woke me up. Looking out the window I can see the flashing lights in the parking lot and out in the street. A siren turns on and fades away as the vehicle that I presume is an ambulance transporting someone hurt to the hospital. Many of the police cars are moving on and I hear more sirens in the distance. Last call has come and gone and this is a busy time for the police as they must deal with the consequences of those who have too good of a time. I am glad that is no longer a part of my routine.
Cherie’s parents left yesterday for Florida. They are going to visit her mom’s sister who had been up here for the anniversary celebration. As Cherie and I enjoyed our dinner at Don Pablos she looked at me and said she needed to tell me something she had been asked to keep a secret. The police and a city official had come to her parents house a day or so ago. They informed Nate that he needed to pick up the massive amount of crap he had accumulated in the yard by Tuesday and what ever was still there the city would haul away. This is nothing new and has been a constant battle for years with several court appearances.
The reason Cherie had been told to keep this from me is they did not want me to hold it against Nate. It would seem that the general consensus of me in that household is that I am a bad guy who hates Nate so they all rally to protect him. They have been “protecting” him his whole life and in doing so have created a monster. At twenty two years of age Nate has long known how to manipulate this in addition to using his size and anger to intimidate all around. The house is a pig pen full of the evidence of a three hundred pound twenty two year old child with no controls at all. Windows and doors are broken and this once beautiful house that Ted built with his own hands looks like it went through hurricane Katrina. I stopped going over there because it broke my heart to see this and anytime I talked it was viewed as an attack. They don’t understand that I want to help and know what is needed to help Nate be a man.
The policeman who had accompanied the city official appears to be aware of this and said something to them about how wrong Nate was and this needs to be fixed. He was not talking about the mess as much as he was referring to Nate’s abuse. When their fear of Nate was brought up the cop said he would be there and could handle Nate. Patsy and Ted seem to be blind of what surrounds them. Patsy hides in her religious delusions, quoting the Bible and thinking her praying and faith will cure the fruit of her “ministry”. This has caused Nate to have a disdain regarding God and he laughs at and despises religiosity. They conveniently place the whole blame for this on a childhood experience Nate had in a local church thus absolving them from any responsibility. The Bible Patsy quotes so much tells of those who deceive themselves and have chosen to be blind. Patsy knows all these scriptures but like us all chooses to see what she wants, what makes her feel good about herself. I stopped going over there because I cannot keep my mouth shut as I watch the destruction of these lives.
Cherie’s Corrections: The city police and the city official did not come together to see Nate – Nate wasn’t home – they came separately to see Mom & Dad. The city official, “Mary” had been there before and told the folks of the decision by the neighborhood department that they would give until Tuesday morning for the mess to be cleaned up – anything out of the ordinary (grill is ok), would be hauled off and taken to the dump by the city. This prompted Mom & Cathy to go and secure a storage space big enough for Nate’s boat as well as other things. Like refrigerators, washing machines and general junk/stuff that he got through scraping – which is something Cathy also does now to bring in some money. The policeman came by later in the day to check out the situation and thought the event was to start that day. When the folks stated they had until Tuesday – the cop checked it out and found out that was correct. He also talked to Mom & Dad about the situation, letting them know that it was more than just a couple neighbors that complained about the condition of the property – it was several. I don’t think the folks would express their fear of Nate because Cathy had told me they didn’t mind him being there as they saw him as “protection” because of his size and because of the reputation he has with his temperament. But they never seem to understand that if Nate and his “friends” and all that junk weren’t there – they would probably be alright. I am sure they mentioned to the cop that Nate could present a problem – which the cop let them know he could take care of. Mom and Dad are concerned that if Nate got out of hand that he could get tased, which could kill him. It has been well suspected for years that Nate has a weak heart. The last time he helped me move to a new apartment – he could hardly do it – everything wore him out and several times he had to sit in the air-conditioning to “rest up”. He refuses to go to the doctor to get it checked as my folks as well as his mother have all had “close calls” with heart related problems. My folks are not blind to the mess around them – they have become powerless to have any effect that would cause change in their situation. Regarding the “experience” when Nate was young at a local church – there were actually several experiences that Nate had in at least three different churches locally – that were all negative and had an impact in his lack of belief today. They compare what little Bob has said about Nate (he used to say good things – encouraging things) to what Jim – Connie’s husband says about Nate – that he can see where Nate is going to be a big success someday. Sometimes I think my folks hear what they want to hear and remember things that will “build a case” around those things that God will either confirm or bless in time, according to them. Watching it all has had an impact on my faith and what I believe long before bob came back into my life.
It is 5:25 in the morning now. I have been up an hour. Woke up to the sound of water dripping from the bedroom window as it does with every rain. I pulled the latch to tighten the window hoping it will reduce this flow. I know I do this every time it rains but don’t remember if it works or not. I fixed some scrambled eggs and Bob coffee, which is unusually strong even for me. It is kinda like a liquid defibrillator as the caffeine jolts my system. I was slow at the end of the day and still have difficulty writing this but not to bad. About a six or seven on the Bob scale of cognizance.
I tried to post on my blog but it doesn’t seem to have gone through. It is not on the blog but the record of the post shows when I push the tool bar button that is at the top of this Word page. As usual I am confused and will have to go back to the basics on the educational instructions at Blog.com and relearn what I already studied. I get tired of being confused. It makes me feel stupid when everyone tells me how smart I am. I will try a small post in case I had tried to put too much on at once and exceeded the limits set by the blog host (or whatever you call them). I wish I had money to pay someone to help me learn how to do this and put it together.
The document I pasted yesterday and this morning entry on and tried to publish to the blog is labeled as editing on the bottom tool bar. I don’t know what that means. I looked at the blogger site and still can’t figure this out. I don’t remember my password and stuff so that makes it hard. I hope I wrote this down somewhere but don’t know if I did or where it would be. Typical Bob, lost again in a simple world… I will take a break and try again. Cherie just got up and is getting ready for work.
Jeff didn’t make it to our Friday morning breakfast. I called and woke him up at 8:25. He had not gone to bed till 1:30 this morning as he and his soon to be ex. had to move their stuff out of the house. This has to be a tough time for him. At least there is progress on the divorce for they will sit down with the lawyers for the first time soon. I know how hard this is having gone through that hell myself.
I just got done exploring the blog to figure out what I am doing wrong if anything. Played with a few buttons and republished with no immediate effect. I will check later to see if anything worked.
Fred called while I was at the Waffle house and would like me to take him across the street to the Marathon where he wants to talk to Tom face to face. He would like me to do that at 10:00.
I ate too much between the eggs I cooked and what I ordered at the Waffle House. Shouldn’t have ordered but kind of felt it would be correct seeing I had sat there drinking coffee for a while. Too much coffee also. This has my stomach upset and acid so will take a tums. Been up five hours now and am tired despite it only being 9:26.
Finally something seems to be working right. I looked at the blog on Mozzila, the suggested browser and saw no change. Then I used Explorer to pull up the blog and “hurray” the posts are there.
I just got back from taking Fred across the street. That only took five minutes. I am still tired and think I will take a nap with the hope it will refresh me. There is nothing else scheduled for today so I hope to get stuff done. All the coffee did nothing for me, almost seems to have made me tired. Damn, I feel the headache coming so will take aspirin for it. Actually because I want to not be hindered on this free day I will take a pain pill also with the hope of catching the headache before it gets bad. I am operating at about a 6 level now. Not good but not too bad.
Slowed way down. A 3 or so. Had a real hard time sending E mails to Jill and Darlene. Cherie came home for lunch and as usual I can tell more when I talk. I knew I was bad because couldn’t do stuff. Even this paragraph is hard. So inconvenient. It sucks because of the timing. Was hoping to accomplish so much. Will wash dishes cause that I can do even slow.
I just called some of the places suggested by Jill for housing for Wayne and Sharon. Dove Manor has a one year waiting list. They gave me the name of preferred properties where I left a message. I will call the area office on aging cause that was suggested also. Probably should call the ability center also.
Still don’t feel good but calling around helped stimulate the brain so my speech improved. While I am remembering it I will record this. Dave called last night at 11:00. His van wouldn’t start and his bike is in the shop so he needed a ride to work. I felt real bad but was not willing to go get him. We had just been going to bed for the night and I did not feel up to getting dressed and driving nearly sixty miles in the middle of the night. I would have done it any other time.
I hate to lay down but the headache has not been touched by the pills and I am sweating. Kind of like I am fighting something off. I’ll rest and see if that helps refresh me.
It didn’t. This is one of those day long slow downs. I don’t get them often, thank God, but these are the rougher times. It is now 4:00. I can’t remember what time I laid down. I curled up and drifted on that edge between sleep and wakefulness. Turned the TV on and watched fifteen minutes of Judge Judy with little comprehension. I feel weak and the sensation of hunger is really strong as if I have not eaten in days. It is so weird to not feel hungry except on rare occasions because of the TBI and to then have it amplified like this. In addition to that my sense of smell is also present and extreme. Makes me want to shower and brush my teeth again because the odors of my body assail my nose. I showered and brushed this morning as well as putting on clean clothes so I am confident it is not as bad as it seems. I will ask Cherie when she comes home to double check cause I really don’t want to be offensive. My headache is still there in addition to the right leg being hard to function.
I want to cook dinner for Cherie and will look to see if anything in the fridge inspires me. Inspiration would be a good thing right now.
I remembered that Sharon had called a day or three ago regarding not being able to get her prescription for Paxil so I called her to check. She said James pharmacy still did not have it. I went on line to investigate because there are so many drugs that are being pulled of the market. Come to find out the makers of Paxil are being sued regarding misleading techniques particularly with children and a judge had ordered them to stop distributing it for kids. I had also been calling for housing for Sharon and come to think of it that is why I called her and she brought the paxil up. I called a pharmacist up and he did say the brand name was hard to find but there are plenty of generics available. On the web there was a lot of info about withdrawals and other issues which I told Sharon about. Part of that is the zapping sensation she has in the back of her neck. I told her to call her doc at the Zeph Center but he will be gone now. If she can’t get a hold of him I will take her to the emergency room.
Cherie is home and as I worked on all this I began to sharpen up. It is strange, I could feel a physical sensation, a kind of slow rush as my ability to type increased and my mind cleared. We are going to Don Pablos for Mexican and got to go now to beat the crowd.
Now it is 2:00 in the morning and the bar across the parking lot is closing down. I remember waking up at 1:00 and going back to bed. When I woke up and put my glasses on to see what time it was I was disappointed to see I had only slept one hour. It is not good for my clock to get turned around like this. My stomach is upset, probably from the spicy Mexican food we enjoyed. Oh well, all good things come with a price.
I am listening to the sirens of emergency vehicles coming near one at a time and can tell that the incident they are responding to is close as the sirens cut off with their arrival. Perhaps that or the noise of drunk patrons leaving at bar time woke me up. Looking out the window I can see the flashing lights in the parking lot and out in the street. A siren turns on and fades away as the vehicle that I presume is an ambulance transporting someone hurt to the hospital. Many of the police cars are moving on and I hear more sirens in the distance. Last call has come and gone and this is a busy time for the police as they must deal with the consequences of those who have too good of a time. I am glad that is no longer a part of my routine.
Cherie’s parents left yesterday for Florida. They are going to visit her mom’s sister who had been up here for the anniversary celebration. As Cherie and I enjoyed our dinner at Don Pablos she looked at me and said she needed to tell me something she had been asked to keep a secret. The police and a city official had come to her parents house a day or so ago. They informed Nate that he needed to pick up the massive amount of crap he had accumulated in the yard by Tuesday and what ever was still there the city would haul away. This is nothing new and has been a constant battle for years with several court appearances.
The reason Cherie had been told to keep this from me is they did not want me to hold it against Nate. It would seem that the general consensus of me in that household is that I am a bad guy who hates Nate so they all rally to protect him. They have been “protecting” him his whole life and in doing so have created a monster. At twenty two years of age Nate has long known how to manipulate this in addition to using his size and anger to intimidate all around. The house is a pig pen full of the evidence of a three hundred pound twenty two year old child with no controls at all. Windows and doors are broken and this once beautiful house that Ted built with his own hands looks like it went through hurricane Katrina. I stopped going over there because it broke my heart to see this and anytime I talked it was viewed as an attack. They don’t understand that I want to help and know what is needed to help Nate be a man.
The policeman who had accompanied the city official appears to be aware of this and said something to them about how wrong Nate was and this needs to be fixed. He was not talking about the mess as much as he was referring to Nate’s abuse. When their fear of Nate was brought up the cop said he would be there and could handle Nate. Patsy and Ted seem to be blind of what surrounds them. Patsy hides in her religious delusions, quoting the Bible and thinking her praying and faith will cure the fruit of her “ministry”. This has caused Nate to have a disdain regarding God and he laughs at and despises religiosity. They conveniently place the whole blame for this on a childhood experience Nate had in a local church thus absolving them from any responsibility. The Bible Patsy quotes so much tells of those who deceive themselves and have chosen to be blind. Patsy knows all these scriptures but like us all chooses to see what she wants, what makes her feel good about herself. I stopped going over there because I cannot keep my mouth shut as I watch the destruction of these lives.
Cherie’s Corrections: The city police and the city official did not come together to see Nate – Nate wasn’t home – they came separately to see Mom & Dad. The city official, “Mary” had been there before and told the folks of the decision by the neighborhood department that they would give until Tuesday morning for the mess to be cleaned up – anything out of the ordinary (grill is ok), would be hauled off and taken to the dump by the city. This prompted Mom & Cathy to go and secure a storage space big enough for Nate’s boat as well as other things. Like refrigerators, washing machines and general junk/stuff that he got through scraping – which is something Cathy also does now to bring in some money. The policeman came by later in the day to check out the situation and thought the event was to start that day. When the folks stated they had until Tuesday – the cop checked it out and found out that was correct. He also talked to Mom & Dad about the situation, letting them know that it was more than just a couple neighbors that complained about the condition of the property – it was several. I don’t think the folks would express their fear of Nate because Cathy had told me they didn’t mind him being there as they saw him as “protection” because of his size and because of the reputation he has with his temperament. But they never seem to understand that if Nate and his “friends” and all that junk weren’t there – they would probably be alright. I am sure they mentioned to the cop that Nate could present a problem – which the cop let them know he could take care of. Mom and Dad are concerned that if Nate got out of hand that he could get tased, which could kill him. It has been well suspected for years that Nate has a weak heart. The last time he helped me move to a new apartment – he could hardly do it – everything wore him out and several times he had to sit in the air-conditioning to “rest up”. He refuses to go to the doctor to get it checked as my folks as well as his mother have all had “close calls” with heart related problems. My folks are not blind to the mess around them – they have become powerless to have any effect that would cause change in their situation. Regarding the “experience” when Nate was young at a local church – there were actually several experiences that Nate had in at least three different churches locally – that were all negative and had an impact in his lack of belief today. They compare what little Bob has said about Nate (he used to say good things – encouraging things) to what Jim – Connie’s husband says about Nate – that he can see where Nate is going to be a big success someday. Sometimes I think my folks hear what they want to hear and remember things that will “build a case” around those things that God will either confirm or bless in time, according to them. Watching it all has had an impact on my faith and what I believe long before bob came back into my life.
Friday, September 16, 2005
91505 Thursday Try again
9/15/05 Thursday
And I’m off. Woke up but didn’t want to. I forced my self to get my butt out of bed and got cleaned up. I went across the street for breakfast because I was too lazy to cook. While there Sharon called me. They moved someone next door to her and he knocked on her door with his belt undone and his zipper down. Not good at all. Sharon asked if they were still taking section 8 where we are so I went to the office and checked. MD properties is not to keen on it because of problems they had in the past. The lady I talked to will call the owner to see if he will make an exception. I got to go get Wayne now so will finish this later.
I am back. It is 2:53 now. The MS luncheon was really a good thing and I am glad I finally got Wayne to it. We got there at 11:30 and there was no one else from the group present. The restaurant did not have any tables set up so they threw a couple together. Wayne and I sat there for the next half hour by ourselves and I worried that I had screwed up again. Wayne kept chattering on, asking me the same questions over and over about when it was to start and which Thursday of the month it was supposed to be on. This just aggravated the feelings I had about not having it together and the fear I had come on the wrong day again.
Then to my relief I saw a van pull up that had two people in it who needed devices to help them walk. One was a motorized wheelchair and the other a walker. This gave me hope which was confirmed when they came to our table with the white haired woman in the wheelchair leading the way. She had a radiant smile that lit up her whole face and asked if we were here for the MS lunch.
There was just three of them, two with MS and the other was the driver of the van who’s exact position I am not clear on at the moment. I think she is a volunteer caretaker or something but she has a sweet disposition and is in sales with a computer corporation that I believe she said was a spin off of IBM. We all began the process of getting to know each other and began to share with each other. Denise was the one with a walker and had the most obvious physical symptoms of MS with a pronounced shaking and her speech was also affected.
I was slow by this time because of the anxiety I had earlier and the need to process all the things going on like the restaurant commotion and trying to follow the conversation at the table. There was so much helpful information and input that I went out to the car to get my notebook and write things down. I hope I can follow through on things because it would make a significant improvement for Wayne.
Right now as I write this I am tired and slowing down. I want to take a nap but want to write this stuff down. Think I will lay down. Took my pill and some aspirin. Got a headache. Wayne wanted me to come in and visit but I just wanted to get home cause I felt the headache coming. I am yawning those big yawns that cause the paralysis thing in my neck. Laying down wins. Be back later.
It’s later. I did the half asleep half awake thing that I do so much now. Cherie came home early from work and fixed a noodle and chicken dinner that was good. She seemed surprised. The headache is a killer this time. The right leg is less operational and the knee is stiff and painful. I am still not up to speed and writing this comes slowly. I had hoped to record the events of earlier so it wouldn’t vanish into the recesses of my mind. I can’t recall much right now and hope it will be accessible later. I also hope to do something on the blog and may be able because I can just post some of what I already wrote.
I got that done after going through it to X out Allen’s name.
9/16/05 Friday
It is 5:25 in the morning now. I have been up an hour. Woke up to the sound of water dripping from the bedroom window as it does with every rain. I pulled the latch to tighten the window hoping it will reduce this flow. I know I do this every time it rains but don’t remember if it works or not. I fixed some scrambled eggs and Bob coffee, which is unusually strong even for me. It is kinda like a liquid defibrillator as the caffeine jolts my system. I was slow at the end of the day and still have difficulty writing this but not to bad. About a six or seven on the Bob scale of cognizance.
I tried to post on my blog but it doesn’t seem to have gone through. It is not on the blog but the record of the post shows when I push the tool bar button that is at the top of this Word page. As usual I am confused and will have to go back to the basics on the educational instructions at Blog.com and relearn what I already studied. I get tired of being confused. It makes me feel stupid when everyone tells me how smart I am. I will try a small post in case I had tried to put too much on at once and exceeded the limits set by the blog host (or whatever you call them). I wish I had money to pay someone to help me learn how to do this and put it together.
And I’m off. Woke up but didn’t want to. I forced my self to get my butt out of bed and got cleaned up. I went across the street for breakfast because I was too lazy to cook. While there Sharon called me. They moved someone next door to her and he knocked on her door with his belt undone and his zipper down. Not good at all. Sharon asked if they were still taking section 8 where we are so I went to the office and checked. MD properties is not to keen on it because of problems they had in the past. The lady I talked to will call the owner to see if he will make an exception. I got to go get Wayne now so will finish this later.
I am back. It is 2:53 now. The MS luncheon was really a good thing and I am glad I finally got Wayne to it. We got there at 11:30 and there was no one else from the group present. The restaurant did not have any tables set up so they threw a couple together. Wayne and I sat there for the next half hour by ourselves and I worried that I had screwed up again. Wayne kept chattering on, asking me the same questions over and over about when it was to start and which Thursday of the month it was supposed to be on. This just aggravated the feelings I had about not having it together and the fear I had come on the wrong day again.
Then to my relief I saw a van pull up that had two people in it who needed devices to help them walk. One was a motorized wheelchair and the other a walker. This gave me hope which was confirmed when they came to our table with the white haired woman in the wheelchair leading the way. She had a radiant smile that lit up her whole face and asked if we were here for the MS lunch.
There was just three of them, two with MS and the other was the driver of the van who’s exact position I am not clear on at the moment. I think she is a volunteer caretaker or something but she has a sweet disposition and is in sales with a computer corporation that I believe she said was a spin off of IBM. We all began the process of getting to know each other and began to share with each other. Denise was the one with a walker and had the most obvious physical symptoms of MS with a pronounced shaking and her speech was also affected.
I was slow by this time because of the anxiety I had earlier and the need to process all the things going on like the restaurant commotion and trying to follow the conversation at the table. There was so much helpful information and input that I went out to the car to get my notebook and write things down. I hope I can follow through on things because it would make a significant improvement for Wayne.
Right now as I write this I am tired and slowing down. I want to take a nap but want to write this stuff down. Think I will lay down. Took my pill and some aspirin. Got a headache. Wayne wanted me to come in and visit but I just wanted to get home cause I felt the headache coming. I am yawning those big yawns that cause the paralysis thing in my neck. Laying down wins. Be back later.
It’s later. I did the half asleep half awake thing that I do so much now. Cherie came home early from work and fixed a noodle and chicken dinner that was good. She seemed surprised. The headache is a killer this time. The right leg is less operational and the knee is stiff and painful. I am still not up to speed and writing this comes slowly. I had hoped to record the events of earlier so it wouldn’t vanish into the recesses of my mind. I can’t recall much right now and hope it will be accessible later. I also hope to do something on the blog and may be able because I can just post some of what I already wrote.
I got that done after going through it to X out Allen’s name.
9/16/05 Friday
It is 5:25 in the morning now. I have been up an hour. Woke up to the sound of water dripping from the bedroom window as it does with every rain. I pulled the latch to tighten the window hoping it will reduce this flow. I know I do this every time it rains but don’t remember if it works or not. I fixed some scrambled eggs and Bob coffee, which is unusually strong even for me. It is kinda like a liquid defibrillator as the caffeine jolts my system. I was slow at the end of the day and still have difficulty writing this but not to bad. About a six or seven on the Bob scale of cognizance.
I tried to post on my blog but it doesn’t seem to have gone through. It is not on the blog but the record of the post shows when I push the tool bar button that is at the top of this Word page. As usual I am confused and will have to go back to the basics on the educational instructions at Blog.com and relearn what I already studied. I get tired of being confused. It makes me feel stupid when everyone tells me how smart I am. I will try a small post in case I had tried to put too much on at once and exceeded the limits set by the blog host (or whatever you call them). I wish I had money to pay someone to help me learn how to do this and put it together.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Last 2 weeks
9/5/05 Monday
It is labor day. I would like to visit Eileen on the East side. I was just telling Cherie that I have been going out and seeing people less and less. That is not good but even as I contemplate going over there as well as helping Allen as I told him I would I feel I should stay home and work on this writing and the blog I have so much hope for. I keep thinking about it, how to put it together, what to say, what to avoid.
I have showered and ate a bowl of cereal. I washed the dishes, which helps me feel like I contribute. Cherie had said something about she was sorry she didn’t get to them yet so I told her it was my job. I am a bit slow this morning, about a 6. It seems to be physical with the paralysis more evident making walking a task taken with care. I touch walls and things as I go to give me a reference that tells me if I am tilting over to far. Took my pill and may take some herbal medication.
Cherie is working on sewing stuff and has been for a day or two. I am glad she is because it is a form of creativity she loves. Her hot flashes have been pronounced lately as she toughs it out, using the least amount of hormone medication so her body will adjust to menopause as soon as possible.
It is 11:30 now. It feels like 8:00 this morning to me. Cherie came up to the bed where she has her sewing patterns spread out on her cardboard lay out thing. I looked at her and saw how she had her hair up with the fresh curls spreading across the top of her head to hang like bangs over her brow. Again I am struck by her beauty and tell her so. This brings out the smile that just freshens the room like an early morning sun beaming through the kitchen window. We share this moment and just love. I guess I can’t find a way to describe it any better than that, “Just Love” with love being a verb denoting action.
Cherie told of how it was when I first moved in, of her embarrassment at the two garbage bags that contained all I owned in the world and how she was going to have me sleep on the couch. That didn’t last till the night. I think I had already asked her to marry me by this time. We didn’t fool around she told me because we were both so tired.
Then I shared one of the unpleasant memories that had surfaced with me, of how soon after we divorced I was getting sloppy drunk and partying hard. I was a traveling salesman, what I was selling I don’t recall now. I remembered that this town had some kind of “big blue hole”. She recognized the town as Castalia right away. I told her of getting so trashed I was dragging my pool stick behind me and at the time couldn’t remember if I got home or how. As I write this I remember it as an insane one or two hour drive during which I flattened a tire by running off the road and changing it near Davis Besse power plant.
I could see by the look on her face that this was reviving one of Cherie’s deepest sorrows, one that is infused with a sledge hammer level of guilt. This is the sorrow she has carried ever since the divorce twenty years ago, laying claim on all the blame for the break up of our marriage and with that the responsibility for every bad thing I endured since then. We talked and I reminded her that the past is gone and we have the future to plan for. Then I told her that sad as it was the past is a part of our story and that story could well be a ticket to a better future.
I called Eileen’s cell phone and Glen answered. He sounded a bit messed up and when I asked what they were doing for Labor day he told me Eileen had been in the hospital for eight days. This changed the whole direction of the day. I asked Glen what her room number was and he said “Twenty one something, I don’t know”. At least he knew what hospital she was in. Cherie had wanted to go to the Jo Ann Fabrics on the East side so we went there and then Cherie suggested we buy some flowers for Eileen. I would have never thought of that so am again grateful for Cherie in my life.
As we walked up to the entrance of the hospital Suzie and kids were wheeling Eileen back from the cigarette break they had snuck her out for. Eileen was looking pretty worn and you could see the worry and fear on her face. We didn’t get much of a chance to talk to her till later when Suzie, Nancy, and their kids were out of the room. We told Eileen that the $500.00 loan we gave her was now a gift. She cried and did not want to accept that till Cherie assured her that for us it was like a gift to the Lord.
We talked about things like hospital food and Eileen expressed an interest in lobster so I asked for the phone book. I couldn’t find a place close that served lobster but there was a Chinese place near so I called them. They had shrimp so I went out to buy some for Eileen. It was a grand gesture but unfortunately the shrimp sucked, was over cooked, and came dry with no sauce.
Eileen has a blood clot in her heart and a tumor in her uterus. There is a fear of cancer and it has Eileen scared to death. I was impressed how family was streaming in to support her. It was a marked difference from the experience I had when I woke up alone. As I think about it I realize that Eileen is pretty much my best friend. There is no one else, with the unpleasant exception of my second wife, who has been around me as long as she has. I mean for the entire span of my life, from birth till now.
There is more I could write but not now. A hint to trigger a memory as I read this back. The marked difference in worlds was so evident as the topic of conversation ranged from who got drunk to how Beast was playing the system. Spending a month at a time in a hospital to save on rent and get more pills. Terry showed up as we were preparing to leave.
9/5/05 Tuesday
I woke up slow this morning. Speech was poor and had difficulty making decisions when Cherie asked me about putting off dinner with Jeanie. I get frustrated quick at these times and it is rough on Cherie as she was kind of having an anxiety attack. The headache was there when I woke up and is still there. I am still slow but a bit better. I expect Fred to call for me to take Barb around.
Yesterday was rough and needs to be entered but I am not up to that this morning. I found out Eileen had been in the hospital eight days so we went to visit.
I have been mulling over how to do this blog for days now. It is hard when you have to rethink it all over again cause you forgot what you decided before.
11:30 I am still not doing well. About a 4 on the Bob scale. It will change just don’t know when. Fred called as expected and his glasses came in so he wants me to take him to pick them up and then take Barb to cash her check and buy groceries. Even typing this is hard right now. Last night I had Cherie drive coming back from the hospital. I rarely do that because being a passenger makes me real nervous but I recognize when I am impaired by these slow downs to the point it is wise. I have to leave in ten minutes. It won’t be fun.
Almost four now and it wasn’t fun as I suspected, instead it was sad. I got Fred to the eye doctor where he picked up his new glasses. Then we went straight to Barb’s. Fred went in to the apartment and after a few minutes Barb came out with a bag of cans which she took to the back and filled out of her garbage can. While this was going on the dope man pulled up in his rusty blue car with the same passenger as before. Neither of them got out of the car, they just sat there watching the door.
Barb came out with another bag of cans and noticing them turned right around and went back in the house. The dope man waited a couple minutes more but started up and left. He know who we are and the last time told Barb to go with us. I know he is hiding, thinking he is avoiding suspicion with all this but I know better. I sold enough dope in my life to see what most would never recognize. I am sure this guy is the George who had Barb’s phone.
Fred came out and got in the car. “Barb doesn’t feel like going now” he said. Wow!! What a surprise. She also told him her check did not come and I am certain that is a lie also. The dope man showed up right when the mailman comes. This is not a coincidence and fits the overall pattern.
Fred said that Basil was not there anymore because Barb said so and he snuck around while she was outside and didn’t see his clothes. Barbs laundry hasn’t been done in over a month because she keeps spending her laundry check, probably on crack. It is piled high in every corner and besides that Fred can’t see what is on the shelves at a store so Basil’s underwear could have been hanging from the ceiling fan and escape Fred’s eagle eye.
As we drove home I tried to explain to Fred that odds are Barb is hiding Basil from him so don’t be surprised. Fred seemed anxious to believe Barb but there was a sadness in his eyes that told me he knew I was right. He has known Barb since she was 18 so he has already seen all of this before.
It is sad for me to watch this familiar pattern unfold in front of me. There is a good chance that Barb has been playing this game for a while but there is a chance she is just an easy tool for others to get their dope. Maybe a little of both. Who knows, but it is still a life going bad. Barb has seen her share of the rough side and is living with the fruit of her decisions.
She is surrounded by others who’s lives have seen much and are the shells of who they were. People who’s injuries go deep, to the core of their being. Many of them hurt in the early times when the world was still new to them. I don’t know and haven’t inquired as to the pasts of these women but I do know some of Barb’s. Where do the strippers and prostitutes go when they age? They go join all those who are mentally ill, abandoned by family, sick, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and all who are to poor to go anywhere else. These areas are like where mud pools, a low spot that draws all to it. Everyone who’s lives and lifestyles unsettle them from the firm ground so they run down hill, soon joining an ever growing river of others like them.
I am tired now. I worked with Cherie on bankruptcy stuff. Don’t remember much after that. Cherie was upset about the money I spent with Allen. We need to get the savings account down but she is worried about getting into a financial bind.
9/7/05 Wednesday
I am doing ok this morning but can’t remember if Cherie kissed me when she went off to work. I showered and shaved. Need to put razors on the to buy list. I am still puzzling over how to do the blog. I think I will have to write entries just for it and maybe start other blogs to serve as separate rooms dealing with specific areas I wish to be public about. Things like Cherie kissing me before she goes to work may not be acceptable to her for publication in the Blog.
This morning I will take Wayne to the bank and possibly to the store. I should be calling him to wake him up but I need to call Fred first. I will whip up some eggs to insure I have eaten cause I will forget to later.
9/8/05 Thursday
It was a hard night. I woke up at three with the strong desire to help whatever I ate yesterday escape from my body. That took what seemed like hours so I was glad to crawl back into bed. Didn’t really sleep and got up kind of vacant, no energy and just observing. I will have to ask Cherie but I don’t think I was able to communicate well.
Any way, it is 10:50 and I have gotten showered and would like to get some writing done with this freedom that comes with Fred’s car being in the shop. I get to stay home uninterrupted because I cannot help others without the car. I need this time because I have accomplished little lately. A good indicator of this is where yesterdays entry ended. That was it. All she wrote for the day. After I got done with the day I was done with being able to write and just zombied the rest of the day. I need to wash the dishes and clean up from the lobster that I butchered last night. Also better get the garbage out cause it already smells like rotten fish. Damn, that means I have to get dressed and put on my shoes. Yeah life is so tough.
I better get moving because the brain is working and I don’t want to miss this moment. My ability to type just moved up a few notches.
Now it is 1:30 and the moment is gone. I washed the dishes and even scrubbed the floor because it was getting bad and to get rid of the lobster smell. Cherie came home and worried about me not eating so I told her I was a big boy and could cook just fine so quit worrying. She did anyway but that is because she loves me and knows there are times I need to be led. It is hard for her to not worry and when things are fine she finds something to fear.
I fixed a monster omelet to make her feel better but also because she is right and I need to eat healthy. It was pretty good with Tarragon potatoes and onion in it along with Serrano pepper. I asked Cherie if she would just take the car to work as I do not feel up to going downtown today. Besides I didn’t finish the cost of living list yet. It is done now but I am not too hot. Drank three cups of bob coffee to get energy but it didn’t work. The headache has come to visit again and also the ringing in my ears coupled with the spinning sensation. Typing is slow, I think I will take my second pill now. I forgot yesterday. I had told Cherie I was looking forward to not being bothered by others and could write. Won’t happen if I don’t sharpen up.
I called Eileen to see how she was doing. She sounded bad and said she would have to go back to St. Charles. Her ankles were swelling up so she was going to lay with them up in the air. I asked her is she was getting any help and she was just quiet for a while and then said “I guess” as I heard Glen’s voice calling her name. “I’ll call you later” she said as she worked to get up to attend to Glen. I told her to call me if there was anything she needed but I know she won’t.
I will try to reconstruct yesterday now. After thinking and not being able remember I had to go back and look at the short entry for yesterday. This is enough to unlock the door of this memory, which is the purpose of this journal.
I went to Wayne’s at maybe 9:30, the car log will show what time. We drove to the bank and then I took Wayne to the Pharm where he got a few things including a night light because it is hard for him to walk as it is.
Fred had called and wanted me to run Barb to Trilby for food and then to cash her check and cans. I told Fred that I would not take Barb to cash in five dollars worth of cans so she can buy smokes and drugs. I said that if he wanted me to do that he would have to ride with me. I let Fred know that I had already scheduled a day and would not be able to help him. That didn’t set well but I have decided to not enable Barb’s problems any more than I had to.
I had no sooner than pulled on to Heatherdown when the Lincoln died. It drifted up to the light at Eastgate with me desperately trying to get it started. The lights were green so I kept waving them by as I continued to crank it. It would cough and start but die before I could get it in gear. I ended up having to floor the gas pedal and keeping it revved way up to get it to clear. All of this on a 5 lane road with a forty five mile per hour speed limit, not fun. I called Fred to let him know the car’s issues had gotten to the point they were dangerous and I wanted to take it to the shop. He said yes after trying again to get me to drive Barb around.
When I got Wayne home I told him that I wasn’t supposed to be at Allen’s till 12:00 didn’t want to drive to my place because if Fred saw me he would want me to run Barb around so he invited me to stay. We played checkers and Wayne talked .. and talked. He needed to and I could see it in his face as he shared of his days gone by, reminisced of the events that had been hallmarks to him. I regretted not being there for him more and still do as I write this.
I called XXXX and he said he had to run to the bank and pay bills so could I hold up a half hour? I gave him almost an hour because I know him. Despite that when I arrived he had not even made it to the bank. Unfortunately it meant I got to ride in XXXX’s truck as he did these chores. He is still a nut and scares the shit out of me.
Getting back we went down stairs. XXXX was sick with nausea, sweating, and had sharp pains in his stomach. He wanted to wait before we went to do the work he had asked help with. We watched the science and geographic channels on his satellite and XXXX told me how he thought he had a flu. He may but all his symptoms are those of withdrawal from pain killers, particularly Oxycontin. I watched as he improved over the space of an hour and think he took another pill to get well. This is close to home for it is the path that took me back into drugs. I may be wrong and XXXX denies and jokes about my concerns. “Hey I must be taking too much medicine. Look my eyes are glassy” he ridicules. It is my hope that my words are planted where he will remember them when he must face this demon.
Time was passing so I asked XXXX if he was ready to get to work. He said yes and we went upstairs. I watch as XXXX just kind of picks stuff up and asked him what his goal was, what did he want to accomplish. He wasn’t clear so I would just pick something up and look at him saying “Where do you want this to go?” I ended up taking over and directing XXXX in a way that kept him in charge. I would try to keep him from wandering from the task as he uncovered many distractions. He ended up talking with his neighbor so I finished clearing the shelf figuring I would get more done by myself.
We finally got his shelf unit transferred and went downstairs to water our dry mouths. XXXX turned on the ever present TV and we talked about some of his horticultural magazines. At 4:30 I informed XXXX I needed to go and he was a little miffed telling me we had just gotten started and there were still some things he wanted to do. “Do you have to go now?” he whined and then intimated I was not able to do things because of the wife. I explained that I was going to have a lobster dinner with my wife so he was out of luck and this helped him see a little.
When I get outside and moving I see that Fred had called twice. I figured he was just fretting aver the car and was wondering why I had not gone straight to Firestone. I was right but did not want to talk to him as I drove. I called Cherie to have her pick me up at Firestone but she didn’t hear her cell. I got through to her right when she was talking to Fred who was panicking and had caught her at the door. I am sure she loved having Fred questioning and venting while I was calling just as she got home from work. We got settled down and everything figured out so Cherie came out to get me.
I was operating at a high frustration level by now because XXXX always seems to rub me wrong and the traffic was rough as I navigated multiple construction sites. I travel them daily but also forget them daily plus they change so I was consistently in the wrong lane forcing me to take the long way to Firestone. I tried my best to describe what the car was doing and was glad to leave it there.
It is always a breath of fresh air to see Cherie and that was particularly true this day.
We came home and I cooked the lobster I had bought with Eileen in mind. She is home now so we will do that for her later. I didn’t do a good job but that’s ok. Cherie didn’t eat much so I finished it up on principle cause this stuff ain’t cheep. It really sucked but hey I was beat. It didn’t matter cause I was with Cherie. I just relaxed and don’t remember doing anything but laying in front of the TV. I had started to get on this laptop to write but it wasn’t there.
That finishes up yesterday I think. There is something about sitting here and typing that causes a lot of pain in my middle back. I have to sit ramrod straight to alleviate it but that doesn’t last long. I think I will get up and walk around a bit.
I finally took my pill after forgetting two hours ago. I may lay down to see if the pain will go down. Will take the prescription Alieve I have from the VA. It is 4:39 and my mind is on how to design this blog. I think of things and then forget what I came up with. This is frustrating and why I need to write to think. That way I can recover what I had concluded and start from that point instead of going through the same thing again.
Blog
If I don’t start I can’t finish so here are some thoughts. How do I make this understandable to any one who might wander into this site. I had thought of just publishing my journal but it would be confusing and hard to follow with out some kind of background information. Things like the injury, the journey, brain injury, my first marriage to Cherie. I would like to organize this and maybe cross reference it. Divide it into chapters. Do I make a Blog for each chapter? And also I would like to have rooms for subjects or issues I have like the criminal justice system, scams under the guise of Christianity, our being asked to leave Cedar Creek and other subjects. How do I do this? I better go through the start up tutorial yet again to relearn how to modify this blog. With time and repetition it will stay. Should I start at the beginning?
That’s as far as I got. We ordered pizza delivery cause Cherie is tired. I could see it on her face when she walked in. We hugged and held on each other for quite a while, just drawing strength from our being one, from the security we have in each others love. My back pain is back with me sitting at this computer. I need to find a better way of doing this.
Now I am tired. It is 8:00. goodnight.
9/9/05 Friday
I took Cherie to work today so I could have her car while Fred’s is in the shop. Cherie was ready early this time because she was worrying about me. Didn’t want me to get upset because she was late. I got a lot done. Met Jeff at the Waffle House and then picked up Cherie’s check. Then I went to Sam’s Club where I had a new battery put in and scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor for contacts. After that I stopped to see how they were doing with Fred’s car. They may have found a sensor that was bad and his water pump is leaking. It will cost $570 to fix so I called Fred to let him know and get his permission to do the work. He didn’t but has no choice.
Fred asked if I would take some food to Barb and give her a ride to buy groceries. I told him I would but that he needs to cut her off some till she gets it together. When I got back I headed upstairs to use the bathroom and heard someone knocking on the door. It was Cathy next door telling me that Fred had asked her to let me know he was outside waiting. Sure enough he was out by the car.
He squeezed in and we left for Barb’s. She was waiting and you could tell she had an attitude. Fred had relayed everything I told him concerning her drug use so she made a smart aleck comment about her selling everything for drugs. That opened it up for me to confront her and let her know I was smarter than she thought. She got mad at me when I told her she couldn’t bullshit me and tried to be sarcastic saying she would sell her couch for drugs. She also said she didn’t do drugs and my reply was that if she didn’t then she was getting them for her friends.
Dawn went with us and I apologized to her saying I wasn’t in a good mood. I am home now and tired. It is nap time for me. Kind of slowing down. Got the headache.
I got Fred home and then went and picked up Cherie at work to take her to lunch. We enjoyed each other as we always do. We went to a place near her work called Maggie’s or something like that. The food was good but the waitress seemed to be in over her head. I think I got stuff out of order in the previous paragraphs. It may be that I took Fred to Barb’s after I had lunch with Cherie. It is not clear at the moment. It is 8:40 PM right now. I am a little slow. We just got back from picking Fred’s car up from Firestone. After that we went to Bob Evans for dinner and then to Sam’s Club for my eye appointment. It went well and I ordered regular glasses, a pair just for close work like carving, and contacts. I never did take that nap and am run down now. Fred is insistent that I take Barb to cash in her cans tomorrow. He got a little pissey about it but that is how it is. I know Barb did her thing on him, making him feel guilty and all.
9/10/05 Saturday
We are up. Cherie is getting ready for a long day as she makes all the last minute preparations for her parents 50th wedding anniversary. I fixed her sewing machine after studying it. At first I couldn’t figure it out till I saw her using her other machine. Then I asked her to do the same procedure (winding the bobbin) on the inoperable machine and that helped me understand the mechanics so I could fix it.
Cherie is so beautiful, at least to me for I see what is inside her, I see her heart. She asked if she could fix me something like toast after apologizing for not feeling up to fixing a regular breakfast. When I said I was ok she got a guilty look on her face as she exclaimed “I’m supposed to take care of you”. I let her scramble some eggs because I know it makes her feel better.
I am still frustrated by my inability to hook up to the wireless at the Distillery that I had been using for about a month. I suspect they blocked me out but am not computer literate enough to figure it out. I really got spoiled using the high speed connection and it will make designing and building the blog harder.
Fred called and said he could not get a hold of Barb. He called her all night and said her phone was turned off. I wasn’t surprised at all. Fred did want to go to the dollar store and the Pharm so I was glad to take him. First he had me pop the hood so he could see what they had done to his car. It was sadly comical as he asked first where the water pump was and then attempted to peer down through all the parts run by the fan belt at the hidden pump. He then began to look intently at everything as he used his hands to touch and feel what he can’t see. He would say things like “That’s where the fuel injection goes into the motor” as he pointed to the air intake.
I got him to the stores and helped him see as always. He kept talking about nothing and I tried to show interest to be good company and help him feel better. He had me drive by Ray’s car wash to see if it was open. It hasn’t been for a while and I had heard Ray was dead. It was closed and I could tell it had been shut up securely for the long haul. Fred said “It’s open” as I drove by so I had to convince him it wasn’t.
I talked him into letting me wash the car because some of our parking lot partiers had spilled or thrown something on his car. Whatever it was did not come off so I will have to get something to scrub it down.
I can’t remember if Cherie was home when I got there but I was tired and laid down. I turned on the TV and watched Norm Abrams build a piece of furniture and then the US open tennis but I fell asleep part of the time. I took my second pill and washed the dishes. I need to sanitize the fridge cause it smells from the lobster juice that had leaked out. Maybe I will get to that later. It is 2:40 and I will lay back down.
Cathy called me while I was laying down. She said “Tell Cherie it is alright to take the cake at 3:00” and a bunch more stuff. I thought Cherie was still with her so couldn’t understand why she couldn’t tell Cherie herself. I told her I was confused but she got upset and hung up. When Cherie got home I told her about it and let her know I was bothered and thought I caused trouble. Come to find out Cherie had left and Cathy just wanted to leave a message for her. This is the kind of misunderstanding I often had at Cedar Creek where I wouldn’t quite get what people said. I would interpret things wrong. It is frustrating for me to have this disability slap me in the face as I try to communicate but don’t do it well. I want to get along and be accepted, to be understood. This is another reason I don’t go out much and keep my social life limited to just a few people.
I was slow but didn’t know it till Cherie came home. Maybe this thing with Cathy triggered it but don’t know. I just know that when I started to talk to Cherie I could hear it in my voice and so could Cherie. Cherie bought me a double whopper. She had planned on fixing something but I told her to just get the burger. I will check my E-mail now. Haven’t done it in a while cause the wireless connection doesn’t work any more.
9/11/05 Sunday
I got up at five this morning. Feeling kinda strange. Just not to sharp and depressed. Got upset at the computers last night. Also upset at not being able to accomplish what used to be simple tasks.
It is 11:00 now. Cherie is sewing the blouse she is making for her parents 50th anniversary party. I fixed omelets for us. Cherie is emotional because of all the pressure of this event on top of the menopause and her tendency to worry things to death. As we talked and I worked to calm her fears she opened up about something that happened yesterday as she was shopping with her sister Cathy.
She started the conversation the way she often does, “I hope you don’t get mad”. I try to assure her and welcome her to talk without fear. She told me that when they had gone to pay for the flowers they were getting for the party, Jim and Sherri Ellis were in the same line she was heading for. Jim and Sherri are the leaders of the Cedar Creek home group we attended at their home. The emotions and hurt are so deep Cherie did not even want them to see her so she went back and hid. Cathy asked what was wrong and when Cherie explained Cathy said “They hurt you guys real bad, didn’t they”. After purchasing the flowers Cherie and Cathy went out to the car only to see, to their chagrin that Jim and Sherri were parked right across from them so Cathy helped Cherie hide again. It is a sad thing when those who’s religious belief espouses love and compassion are seemingly unaware of their hypocrisy, of the pain they cause. They just go on confident in their spirituality. We never heard a word from them and I think we never will.
I told Cherie that I was not mad at all and really don’t understand why she would think I would be. I did say that I would not hide and we live a life that bears no shame. I feel an obligation to help people like Jim and Sherri understand the consequences of their actions so they can be better people. I have no desire to get even or make them feel bad though I am sure that if they read this it would be interpreted that way. I just want to help them as I want to help all I see. I guess I am a nut because I don’t seem to be able to help myself much less others. I do help some others but not to well.
I am drinking some more Bob coffee with the hope it will energize me. Fact is I am just having a hard time being positive about anything. I have been more reclusive and can’t seem to get motivated, which is a sign of the depression that I have been fighting since before the accident. I had hoped to reach out to the world through the blog, thinking that by sharing our story I could find some who were emotionally supportive and could help us press on. I have pretty much given up the concept I could make a difference and have retreated to the safety of keeping my world very small. My seeming inability to put the blog together is just another blow and puts my fear in my face. That fear is I would just be another poor disabled person who’s life is just a day to day existence with little significance.
Every one wants to be somebody, to be accepted and have friends. When I looked for that in the church it was stomped on. I still don’t understand and wonder what was going on in their minds, who they painted me to be with their words to each other, never taking the time to know who we are. It is a shame we can’t escape the pain while in this town for there are constant reminders. When Cedar Creek was on the news, getting the publicity they chase, I saw many whom we had known and the sadness and pain I had tried to bury welled back up.
Now to the anniversary party. That started out with the last minute insanity as Cherie rushed to do all the things that hadn’t quite gotten done as well as covering for Cathy, who’s plate was already full. Cherie’s emotions were out there and she would start crying at the drop of a pin. I had to be very careful and supportive, assuring her things would be ok many times. She was in a very fragile state. I tried to help her organize the different task’s she had to do but even that had to be done with extreme care for anything that could be construed as criticism would devastate her.
We went first to her parents house so Cherie could make sure things were getting done on that end. Walking in the house I was reminded again why I avoid the place. It was a pig pen with a capital P. The new screen door Nate had installed to replace the one he broke was trashed. The front yard is again full of the crap Nate collects with his pal Jeremy. He was changing the front tire on grandma’s van. It probably ran over some of the scrap metal in the driveway. Cathy was at the end of her rope and Pat and Ted were not yet dressed. We told Cathy that we would pick up the balloons and cake and take them to the Yacht Club they had rented for this event. That took part of the stress for Cathy so we hurried to get this done because we were running late.
Cherie had ordered so many balloons we had a hard time getting them into the car. The cake was impressive but we had to put it in the trunk because it was made to accommodate fifty people. That done we headed to the hall with me driving sedately to prevent damage to the cake.
When we got to the Maumee River Yacht Club I could see potential problem right away and regretted not getting involved. There was only one door to enter the facility and it was tucked in a back corner with no signage to direct guests unfamiliar with the place. There were several flights of stairs which would be a problem because many of the guests were well up there in age. One lady was ninety years old. When I went up to the hall I was surprised to find it kind of nasty. The carpet hadn’t been swept and had stains from years of abuse that had never been cleaned, at least not that I could tell. As I started to comment on this Cherie asked me to please not criticize because she would start balling. As I looked at her face I instantly regretted my lapse of support and amended my conversation.
Connie, the youngest sister, was there with her husband and Sammy, her little son. He is a handful as all kids his age are. I think he is three or four but am not good at telling children’s ages. I decided to go out side to direct traffic as the parking lot was even a problem to get to. I would run to the door every time I would see a guest arrive who had to use a walker. There was supposed to be a wheel chair there but it was still in Cherie’s parents van and they would not arrive till later. I helped several get up the stairs by giving them a strong arm to hang on to as they inched up the stairs one step at a time.
A lady got out of a car and looking at me said “Hi Rob”. I didn’t have a clue who she was till she told me. It was Aunt Judy. We had lived at their place in our first marriage. In fact it was there I fell from a tree and broke my neck, back, and had a concussion resulting in the brain damage that tore our marriage apart. Then we met them the day of our second marriage for they had come up from Florida and were eating dinner with Pat and Ted. The inability to remember and recognize faces is a big part of this disability I have.
I really didn’t know any one else for I have not been a part of this family for twenty years. Many of them knew who I was and I am sure heard all the stories of my drastic personality change twenty years ago. We shared our story with several and few of them knew any real details. They were often very surprised and we were able to help them understand brain injury and its effects.
Once things got going it went very well. Ted smiled more than I have ever seen before and it was a big smile. There were relatives from Texas, Arizona, New York, and Florida. This was a no booze event which was a good idea. Even Nate was politically correct though his tales of his boat were mostly bullshit. There is no way that old boat with its small out board engine would go seventy two miles per hour but I let him go. Not the right place or time to confront him. Besides I had promised to be good. For me that means keeping my mouth shut.
After staying outside and generally away from others I became secure enough to mix and talk. It was usually fairly innocuous conversation covering generalities after I identified myself as Cherie’s husband. With that they knew who I was. One conversation I found disturbing. The subject of the Katrina refugees came up. Judy was there from Florida and there was a couple from Texas. Of course I can’t remember their names or the relationship to Cherie but that doesn’t matter. It was the attitude. Judy said it was ok to have them move into the state as long as they were not close. A comment was made about them all being poor. “They didn’t have anything before the storm and they don’t have anything now”. The conversation went on to classifying all as drug addicts and criminals and then race came into play. I really was at a loss for words and not being able to think fast on my feet when in an unfamiliar situation I excused myself. This was such a contrast to the conversation I had moments earlier with one of Patsy’s best friend who is a devout Christian. We had talked about how it is the poor who are the focus of God’s heart and how few churches are following that teaching.
Seeing things going well took a tremendous load off of Cherie. The relief was evident on her face and her smile was radiant. This brought out her beauty and she enjoyed catching up with all the family stuff that is lost on me.
When all was said and done I helped the guests back down the stairs and then helped Cherie’s Dad. Actually Nate did most of the work with Ted. We got everything cleaned up and left. Cherie was energized and glad this was all over. We went home and chilled. End of day.
9/12/05 Monday
I am doing well today. Just got back from taking Sharon to Rite Aid and Save a Lot this morning. She doesn’t ask for help very often but I am glad to help. Fred was a bit upset. He called me while I was at the 50th anniversary party for Pat and Ted thinking I was at home. He wanted me to take him to Barb’s for the typical running she wants such as going to the Trilby church for food. She is still pressing Fred to get the cans cashed in. I told Fred that I already had Sharon scheduled for today and he did not like that. When I called him this morning he said “Why am I always last Bob, that’s not right”. I explained again, as I have many times now, that I schedule everything with my calendar and that I had scheduled Sharon last week. I asked again for him to plan ahead so I could schedule his needs. “Once your in the calendar Fred that time is reserved for you. It would be a big help if you could let me know in advance.” I told him. He said he understands but I know he will forget or just expect me to be at his beck and call. I have to go now cause I heard his door so he will be waiting.
I’m back. It is 2:40 now. I took Fred to Barb’s and she was waiting with the bags of cans out in front of her door. Part of what we were to do is take Barb to the Cricket cell phone place because she said her charger was broken. I told Fred that I would like to see her phone because I didn’t trust her. As far as I know the phone was still in the hands of this George guy. She was telling Fred that the reason he couldn’t reach her was the charger was broke. Barb had talked Fred into buying the charger and it wouldn’t surprise me if she took it back for a refund. I don’t know and it would be improper to make that judgment until I do. I do know that when Fred asked her where her phone was she got evasive and said it was in her purse. When Fred pressed she was forced to admit she only had the charger with her. Asked again about the phone she copped an attitude and said “Just forget it. I won’t get the charger”. Doesn’t look good.
Dawn went with us to Trilby. As we drove I asked Barb “Do you know why I changed, why I am not as nice?”. “Because of drugs” she replied. “No. That’s not it. There was only one thing I have asked of you, and that is that you don’t lie to me.” I told her. She really didn’t have a reply for that but she did start on the defensive telling me that Fred has known her since she was eighteen. “I think he knows me better than you do Bob”. Now I let her know I wasn’t a fool. I told her that I have known hundreds of Barbs in my life, I know her world, I know drugs, I’ve run with it all from working girls (Prostitutes) to every kind of criminal there is. There was a lot more I could have said but this made my point. Among the things that came up in our conversation was her checks have been cut $30 because she had run out of money. It wasn’t to long ago that she had $4000.00 she had to spend to prevent her Social Security from being reduced. All she has to show for it is a TV, a cheap gaudy half couch thing, the name of which escapes me at the moment, and an arm chair that at least is decent. That’s it. I don’t know if Basil is still in the picture but if her money is gone he probably is too.
She got $6.80 for her cans which she will use to buy cigarettes and cat food with. After that we went to Trilby and picked up food. I helped carry the food up for Dawn but let Barb take care of her bag. That done Fred took had me drive to Arby’s where he bought the 4 for $5.00 deal. When he tried to give one to me I said I did not want it. This upset him so I reminded him that I had told him I already ate when we left the apartment. With that done I took the girls home and Fred to the dollar store. He didn’t buy much and was tiring out so that is the end of this day, at least this portion of it.
I am still lucid but can feel me tiring out. I called Eileen to see how she is doing. It isn’t good and to add to her stress the home front is bad. She had a joint her friend had given her before she went in the hospital that she had put away so she could use it to help calm herself down when she got out. It was gone along with $15.00 that had been in her purse. About the only one who could have taken it is Terry so she confronted him. He denied it but didn’t show up for two days. Then he came in and tried to give her one, which she refused on principle. Her and Glen are trying to set a trap to catch him.
As we talked I told Eileen that she was really about the best friend I had because other than my second wife, whom I spent seventeen miserable years with, she has been around me longer than anyone, even my own family. She agreed and said that Cherie and I were her best friends because there were few others she could trust.
9/13/05 Tuesday
Was up and down last night and woke up groggy. Back when I was a drinker and druger I woke up like this often but now I don’t do either. This brain injury is so much like using drugs I find it uncanny that I used to pay money to be this hampered. Fortunately these periods do not last long, they just come and go without warning. Yesterday was a great day and I was sharp the whole time with no slow downs. Love it. I did get a little bitchy last night over Cherie’s objection to me changing the channel. I am lucky to have a woman who is compassionate and understands my TBI.
I am going to get Wayne and take him shopping this morning. When I looked at the calendar I saw that today is the M.S. luncheon that I have been forgetting to get Wayne to for months. I called him and asked if he would like to spend most of the morning with me and go to the luncheon. This time he was agreeable to going. In the past he wasn’t to hot on the idea, I think because of depression. Got to get ready and go.
When I called Fred he asked me to pick up some milk for him which I am more than happy to do. I asked if Barb had called and he said yes. “Did she use her phone?” I asked. He told me that she said it wasn’t charged up yet and wouldn’t work until it is fully charged. I explained to Fred that that is a lie. I told him that I know cell phones will work with a minimum charge on them. When he expressed doubt I said that I have owned and used cell phones for years and know it for a fact. Doesn’t look good and I get a continual confirmation of my suspicions. Not much I can do but expose her deceptions with the hope she will come back around.
9/14/05 Wednesday
Just got this computer back from the shop. I haven’t been able to go online or do much for over a week. Yesterday ended up rough. I had put the MS luncheon on the calendar for yesterday. I was proud to have finally remembered and scheduled it for Wayne after failing to do so for a few months. After taking Wayne to the store and getting milk for Fred I drove Wayne to the Garden Café for the luncheon full of hope it would do him some good. I was embarrassed to find I had the wrong day down and got very angry. It has been a while, or at least I think it has, since I have had this lack of emotional control that has plagued me since I woke up. It was nasty and I took Wayne home right away. He kept talking and talking till I told him to shut the fuck up. Not good and I feel real bad. The anger stayed with me the rest of the day and some of it remains today. It was hard on Cherie and I have been real critical about everything. This compounds Cherie’s insecurities and tears down some of the progress I have made on building up her self esteem. Much of my anger is about being faced with my inability to do simple things like writing something in my calendar on the correct day. It makes me feel like I am a moron and brings up the depression. I so want to be able to do things, to not keep failing. It is hard to have hopes and dreams, to be somebody, when your confidence is regularly shattered. I had longed for this computer for writing helps me work things out.
To make things worse I just accidentally deleted all the e-mail I had on Go.com. There were records and addresses there I cannot recover. I tried but it is gone. I used to be so smart and now I am like a kid having to learn the same things over and over again only to have them vanish if I don’t keep up with it. The joke I used to tell about what it is like to be me is no longer funny. I would say that I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you would ever meet. Just depended on what day you met me. Now I feel dumb and helpless and don’t like the reality that I am doomed to remain this way. The rejection of those I had turned to for support in church kind of made this clear.
Fred called. He wants me to take Barb to the dentist Saturday. Barb told him she still didn’t have her phone and had loaned to Pauly. That is just another lie she is caught in as she had just told him Monday, when asked, that it was in her apartment. I told Fred she had scammed him out of the $30.00 he just spent on the new charger he bought that day and probably took it back for a refund. He doesn’t want to believe it but it may be sinking in. I told him he needs to cut her off so she will face the consequences of her actions. She needs to hit bottom to wake up. At least that is the theory and the way it has worked for others such as myself but she is used to being at the bottom and is comfortable there. I agreed to take her but she won’t like it cause I will speak my mind. At least I know enough to not shoulder the blame for her down hill spiral. I did what I could but I know the power of the drugs and she is choosing this. It is sad to watch but is an old story that is repeated thousands of times every day. Same story, different face and name.
I’m pretty depressed. Allen called and tried to help but I really don’t want to hear it from him. He asked me to come over and help and said we could watch movies and stuff to cheer me up. Cherie came home. I apologized. I can hear that I am a bit slow. Have to go pick up my glasses now at Sam’s. Told Cherie we can get something to eat then so she won’t have to cook.
I’m doing better now. After we went to pick up my glasses at Sam’s Club I filled up Fred’s car. We ate at Bob Evans and then went to home group. I was angry as I drove, cussing out one guy who pulled out in front of us as he talked on his cell phone. His window was rolled down as was mine and he definitely heard me and waved his hand, perhaps in apology, I don’t know but it scared Cherie to hear me do this.
The glasses I got don’t seem right so I will try wearing them to see if they straighten up. Everything was bowed, the floors and walls all appeared to be swelling out. This upset my equilibrium kind of like being in one of those gravity houses at a fair.
Home group was different. Bill showed a video about the missionaries who were killed in the Amazon and asked advice on how to show it. I found this puzzling because he was so unsure of what to do. He mentioned that the church was having difficulties for the last two or so years and it was wearing on him. After I pulled him aside and talked to him about some of the things that had been on my heart for a month or two. I talked of Christians getting comfortable and not be reverential or having a fear of God. I quoted scriptures that came to my mind as I talked.
This puzzles me. Who am I to tell a preacher these things. I have doubts as to the existence of God and dispute some of what has become standard fare regarding church doctrine. When I discussed this with Cherie on the drive home the only thing I could think of to compare me too was Balam’s ass. If a donkey can talk to a prophet of God perhaps then God can use someone like me. I sure ain’t a holy man. Not even close. I do know the Bible better than most and see things with different eyes, a different perspective.
9/15/05 Thursday
And I’m off. Woke up but didn’t want to. I forced my self to get my butt out of bed and got cleaned up. I went across the street for breakfast because I was too lazy to cook. While there Sharon called me. They moved someone next door to her and he knocked on her door with his belt undone and his zipper down. Not good at all. Sharon asked if they were still taking section 8 where we are so I went to the office and checked. MD properties is not to keen on it because of problems they had in the past. The lady I talked to will call the owner to see if he will make an exception. I got to go get Wayne now so will finish this later.
I am back. It is 2:53 now. The MS luncheon was really a good thing and I am glad I finally got Wayne to it. We got there at 11:30 and there was no one else from the group present. The restaurant did not have any tables set up so they threw a couple together. Wayne and I sat there for the next half hour by ourselves and I worried that I had screwed up again. Wayne kept chattering on, asking me the same questions over and over about when it was to start and which Thursday of the month it was supposed to be on. This just aggravated the feelings I had about not having it together and the fear I had come on the wrong day again.
Then to my relief I saw a van pull up that had two people in it who needed devices to help them walk. One was a motorized wheelchair and the other a walker. This gave me hope which was confirmed when they came to our table with the white haired woman in the wheelchair leading the way. She had a radiant smile that lit up her whole face and asked if we were here for the MS lunch.
There was just three of them, two with MS and the other was the driver of the van who’s exact position I am not clear on at the moment. I think she is a volunteer caretaker or something but she has a sweet disposition and is in sales with a computer corporation that I believe she said was a spin off of IBM. We all began the process of getting to know each other and began to share with each other. Denise was the one with a walker and had the most obvious physical symptoms of MS with a pronounced shaking and her speech was also affected.
I was slow by this time because of the anxiety I had earlier and the need to process all the things going on like the restaurant commotion and trying to follow the conversation at the table. There was so much helpful information and input that I went out to the car to get my notebook and write things down. I hope I can follow through on things because it would make a significant improvement for Wayne.
Right now as I write this I am tired and slowing down. I want to take a nap but want to write this stuff down. Think I will lay down. Took my pill and some aspirin. Got a headache. Wayne wanted me to come in and visit but I just wanted to get home cause I felt the headache coming. I am yawning those big yawns that cause the paralysis thing in my neck. Laying down wins. Be back later.
It’s later. I did the half asleep half awake thing that I do so much now. Cherie came home early from work and fixed a noodle and chicken dinner that was good. She seemed surprised. The headache is a killer this time. The right leg is less operational and the knee is stiff and painful. I am still not up to speed and writing this comes slowly. I had hoped to record the events of earlier so it wouldn’t vanish into the recesses of my mind. I can’t recall much right now and hope it will be accessible later. I also hope to do something on the blog and may be able because I can just post some of what I already wrote.
It is labor day. I would like to visit Eileen on the East side. I was just telling Cherie that I have been going out and seeing people less and less. That is not good but even as I contemplate going over there as well as helping Allen as I told him I would I feel I should stay home and work on this writing and the blog I have so much hope for. I keep thinking about it, how to put it together, what to say, what to avoid.
I have showered and ate a bowl of cereal. I washed the dishes, which helps me feel like I contribute. Cherie had said something about she was sorry she didn’t get to them yet so I told her it was my job. I am a bit slow this morning, about a 6. It seems to be physical with the paralysis more evident making walking a task taken with care. I touch walls and things as I go to give me a reference that tells me if I am tilting over to far. Took my pill and may take some herbal medication.
Cherie is working on sewing stuff and has been for a day or two. I am glad she is because it is a form of creativity she loves. Her hot flashes have been pronounced lately as she toughs it out, using the least amount of hormone medication so her body will adjust to menopause as soon as possible.
It is 11:30 now. It feels like 8:00 this morning to me. Cherie came up to the bed where she has her sewing patterns spread out on her cardboard lay out thing. I looked at her and saw how she had her hair up with the fresh curls spreading across the top of her head to hang like bangs over her brow. Again I am struck by her beauty and tell her so. This brings out the smile that just freshens the room like an early morning sun beaming through the kitchen window. We share this moment and just love. I guess I can’t find a way to describe it any better than that, “Just Love” with love being a verb denoting action.
Cherie told of how it was when I first moved in, of her embarrassment at the two garbage bags that contained all I owned in the world and how she was going to have me sleep on the couch. That didn’t last till the night. I think I had already asked her to marry me by this time. We didn’t fool around she told me because we were both so tired.
Then I shared one of the unpleasant memories that had surfaced with me, of how soon after we divorced I was getting sloppy drunk and partying hard. I was a traveling salesman, what I was selling I don’t recall now. I remembered that this town had some kind of “big blue hole”. She recognized the town as Castalia right away. I told her of getting so trashed I was dragging my pool stick behind me and at the time couldn’t remember if I got home or how. As I write this I remember it as an insane one or two hour drive during which I flattened a tire by running off the road and changing it near Davis Besse power plant.
I could see by the look on her face that this was reviving one of Cherie’s deepest sorrows, one that is infused with a sledge hammer level of guilt. This is the sorrow she has carried ever since the divorce twenty years ago, laying claim on all the blame for the break up of our marriage and with that the responsibility for every bad thing I endured since then. We talked and I reminded her that the past is gone and we have the future to plan for. Then I told her that sad as it was the past is a part of our story and that story could well be a ticket to a better future.
I called Eileen’s cell phone and Glen answered. He sounded a bit messed up and when I asked what they were doing for Labor day he told me Eileen had been in the hospital for eight days. This changed the whole direction of the day. I asked Glen what her room number was and he said “Twenty one something, I don’t know”. At least he knew what hospital she was in. Cherie had wanted to go to the Jo Ann Fabrics on the East side so we went there and then Cherie suggested we buy some flowers for Eileen. I would have never thought of that so am again grateful for Cherie in my life.
As we walked up to the entrance of the hospital Suzie and kids were wheeling Eileen back from the cigarette break they had snuck her out for. Eileen was looking pretty worn and you could see the worry and fear on her face. We didn’t get much of a chance to talk to her till later when Suzie, Nancy, and their kids were out of the room. We told Eileen that the $500.00 loan we gave her was now a gift. She cried and did not want to accept that till Cherie assured her that for us it was like a gift to the Lord.
We talked about things like hospital food and Eileen expressed an interest in lobster so I asked for the phone book. I couldn’t find a place close that served lobster but there was a Chinese place near so I called them. They had shrimp so I went out to buy some for Eileen. It was a grand gesture but unfortunately the shrimp sucked, was over cooked, and came dry with no sauce.
Eileen has a blood clot in her heart and a tumor in her uterus. There is a fear of cancer and it has Eileen scared to death. I was impressed how family was streaming in to support her. It was a marked difference from the experience I had when I woke up alone. As I think about it I realize that Eileen is pretty much my best friend. There is no one else, with the unpleasant exception of my second wife, who has been around me as long as she has. I mean for the entire span of my life, from birth till now.
There is more I could write but not now. A hint to trigger a memory as I read this back. The marked difference in worlds was so evident as the topic of conversation ranged from who got drunk to how Beast was playing the system. Spending a month at a time in a hospital to save on rent and get more pills. Terry showed up as we were preparing to leave.
9/5/05 Tuesday
I woke up slow this morning. Speech was poor and had difficulty making decisions when Cherie asked me about putting off dinner with Jeanie. I get frustrated quick at these times and it is rough on Cherie as she was kind of having an anxiety attack. The headache was there when I woke up and is still there. I am still slow but a bit better. I expect Fred to call for me to take Barb around.
Yesterday was rough and needs to be entered but I am not up to that this morning. I found out Eileen had been in the hospital eight days so we went to visit.
I have been mulling over how to do this blog for days now. It is hard when you have to rethink it all over again cause you forgot what you decided before.
11:30 I am still not doing well. About a 4 on the Bob scale. It will change just don’t know when. Fred called as expected and his glasses came in so he wants me to take him to pick them up and then take Barb to cash her check and buy groceries. Even typing this is hard right now. Last night I had Cherie drive coming back from the hospital. I rarely do that because being a passenger makes me real nervous but I recognize when I am impaired by these slow downs to the point it is wise. I have to leave in ten minutes. It won’t be fun.
Almost four now and it wasn’t fun as I suspected, instead it was sad. I got Fred to the eye doctor where he picked up his new glasses. Then we went straight to Barb’s. Fred went in to the apartment and after a few minutes Barb came out with a bag of cans which she took to the back and filled out of her garbage can. While this was going on the dope man pulled up in his rusty blue car with the same passenger as before. Neither of them got out of the car, they just sat there watching the door.
Barb came out with another bag of cans and noticing them turned right around and went back in the house. The dope man waited a couple minutes more but started up and left. He know who we are and the last time told Barb to go with us. I know he is hiding, thinking he is avoiding suspicion with all this but I know better. I sold enough dope in my life to see what most would never recognize. I am sure this guy is the George who had Barb’s phone.
Fred came out and got in the car. “Barb doesn’t feel like going now” he said. Wow!! What a surprise. She also told him her check did not come and I am certain that is a lie also. The dope man showed up right when the mailman comes. This is not a coincidence and fits the overall pattern.
Fred said that Basil was not there anymore because Barb said so and he snuck around while she was outside and didn’t see his clothes. Barbs laundry hasn’t been done in over a month because she keeps spending her laundry check, probably on crack. It is piled high in every corner and besides that Fred can’t see what is on the shelves at a store so Basil’s underwear could have been hanging from the ceiling fan and escape Fred’s eagle eye.
As we drove home I tried to explain to Fred that odds are Barb is hiding Basil from him so don’t be surprised. Fred seemed anxious to believe Barb but there was a sadness in his eyes that told me he knew I was right. He has known Barb since she was 18 so he has already seen all of this before.
It is sad for me to watch this familiar pattern unfold in front of me. There is a good chance that Barb has been playing this game for a while but there is a chance she is just an easy tool for others to get their dope. Maybe a little of both. Who knows, but it is still a life going bad. Barb has seen her share of the rough side and is living with the fruit of her decisions.
She is surrounded by others who’s lives have seen much and are the shells of who they were. People who’s injuries go deep, to the core of their being. Many of them hurt in the early times when the world was still new to them. I don’t know and haven’t inquired as to the pasts of these women but I do know some of Barb’s. Where do the strippers and prostitutes go when they age? They go join all those who are mentally ill, abandoned by family, sick, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and all who are to poor to go anywhere else. These areas are like where mud pools, a low spot that draws all to it. Everyone who’s lives and lifestyles unsettle them from the firm ground so they run down hill, soon joining an ever growing river of others like them.
I am tired now. I worked with Cherie on bankruptcy stuff. Don’t remember much after that. Cherie was upset about the money I spent with Allen. We need to get the savings account down but she is worried about getting into a financial bind.
9/7/05 Wednesday
I am doing ok this morning but can’t remember if Cherie kissed me when she went off to work. I showered and shaved. Need to put razors on the to buy list. I am still puzzling over how to do the blog. I think I will have to write entries just for it and maybe start other blogs to serve as separate rooms dealing with specific areas I wish to be public about. Things like Cherie kissing me before she goes to work may not be acceptable to her for publication in the Blog.
This morning I will take Wayne to the bank and possibly to the store. I should be calling him to wake him up but I need to call Fred first. I will whip up some eggs to insure I have eaten cause I will forget to later.
9/8/05 Thursday
It was a hard night. I woke up at three with the strong desire to help whatever I ate yesterday escape from my body. That took what seemed like hours so I was glad to crawl back into bed. Didn’t really sleep and got up kind of vacant, no energy and just observing. I will have to ask Cherie but I don’t think I was able to communicate well.
Any way, it is 10:50 and I have gotten showered and would like to get some writing done with this freedom that comes with Fred’s car being in the shop. I get to stay home uninterrupted because I cannot help others without the car. I need this time because I have accomplished little lately. A good indicator of this is where yesterdays entry ended. That was it. All she wrote for the day. After I got done with the day I was done with being able to write and just zombied the rest of the day. I need to wash the dishes and clean up from the lobster that I butchered last night. Also better get the garbage out cause it already smells like rotten fish. Damn, that means I have to get dressed and put on my shoes. Yeah life is so tough.
I better get moving because the brain is working and I don’t want to miss this moment. My ability to type just moved up a few notches.
Now it is 1:30 and the moment is gone. I washed the dishes and even scrubbed the floor because it was getting bad and to get rid of the lobster smell. Cherie came home and worried about me not eating so I told her I was a big boy and could cook just fine so quit worrying. She did anyway but that is because she loves me and knows there are times I need to be led. It is hard for her to not worry and when things are fine she finds something to fear.
I fixed a monster omelet to make her feel better but also because she is right and I need to eat healthy. It was pretty good with Tarragon potatoes and onion in it along with Serrano pepper. I asked Cherie if she would just take the car to work as I do not feel up to going downtown today. Besides I didn’t finish the cost of living list yet. It is done now but I am not too hot. Drank three cups of bob coffee to get energy but it didn’t work. The headache has come to visit again and also the ringing in my ears coupled with the spinning sensation. Typing is slow, I think I will take my second pill now. I forgot yesterday. I had told Cherie I was looking forward to not being bothered by others and could write. Won’t happen if I don’t sharpen up.
I called Eileen to see how she was doing. She sounded bad and said she would have to go back to St. Charles. Her ankles were swelling up so she was going to lay with them up in the air. I asked her is she was getting any help and she was just quiet for a while and then said “I guess” as I heard Glen’s voice calling her name. “I’ll call you later” she said as she worked to get up to attend to Glen. I told her to call me if there was anything she needed but I know she won’t.
I will try to reconstruct yesterday now. After thinking and not being able remember I had to go back and look at the short entry for yesterday. This is enough to unlock the door of this memory, which is the purpose of this journal.
I went to Wayne’s at maybe 9:30, the car log will show what time. We drove to the bank and then I took Wayne to the Pharm where he got a few things including a night light because it is hard for him to walk as it is.
Fred had called and wanted me to run Barb to Trilby for food and then to cash her check and cans. I told Fred that I would not take Barb to cash in five dollars worth of cans so she can buy smokes and drugs. I said that if he wanted me to do that he would have to ride with me. I let Fred know that I had already scheduled a day and would not be able to help him. That didn’t set well but I have decided to not enable Barb’s problems any more than I had to.
I had no sooner than pulled on to Heatherdown when the Lincoln died. It drifted up to the light at Eastgate with me desperately trying to get it started. The lights were green so I kept waving them by as I continued to crank it. It would cough and start but die before I could get it in gear. I ended up having to floor the gas pedal and keeping it revved way up to get it to clear. All of this on a 5 lane road with a forty five mile per hour speed limit, not fun. I called Fred to let him know the car’s issues had gotten to the point they were dangerous and I wanted to take it to the shop. He said yes after trying again to get me to drive Barb around.
When I got Wayne home I told him that I wasn’t supposed to be at Allen’s till 12:00 didn’t want to drive to my place because if Fred saw me he would want me to run Barb around so he invited me to stay. We played checkers and Wayne talked .. and talked. He needed to and I could see it in his face as he shared of his days gone by, reminisced of the events that had been hallmarks to him. I regretted not being there for him more and still do as I write this.
I called XXXX and he said he had to run to the bank and pay bills so could I hold up a half hour? I gave him almost an hour because I know him. Despite that when I arrived he had not even made it to the bank. Unfortunately it meant I got to ride in XXXX’s truck as he did these chores. He is still a nut and scares the shit out of me.
Getting back we went down stairs. XXXX was sick with nausea, sweating, and had sharp pains in his stomach. He wanted to wait before we went to do the work he had asked help with. We watched the science and geographic channels on his satellite and XXXX told me how he thought he had a flu. He may but all his symptoms are those of withdrawal from pain killers, particularly Oxycontin. I watched as he improved over the space of an hour and think he took another pill to get well. This is close to home for it is the path that took me back into drugs. I may be wrong and XXXX denies and jokes about my concerns. “Hey I must be taking too much medicine. Look my eyes are glassy” he ridicules. It is my hope that my words are planted where he will remember them when he must face this demon.
Time was passing so I asked XXXX if he was ready to get to work. He said yes and we went upstairs. I watch as XXXX just kind of picks stuff up and asked him what his goal was, what did he want to accomplish. He wasn’t clear so I would just pick something up and look at him saying “Where do you want this to go?” I ended up taking over and directing XXXX in a way that kept him in charge. I would try to keep him from wandering from the task as he uncovered many distractions. He ended up talking with his neighbor so I finished clearing the shelf figuring I would get more done by myself.
We finally got his shelf unit transferred and went downstairs to water our dry mouths. XXXX turned on the ever present TV and we talked about some of his horticultural magazines. At 4:30 I informed XXXX I needed to go and he was a little miffed telling me we had just gotten started and there were still some things he wanted to do. “Do you have to go now?” he whined and then intimated I was not able to do things because of the wife. I explained that I was going to have a lobster dinner with my wife so he was out of luck and this helped him see a little.
When I get outside and moving I see that Fred had called twice. I figured he was just fretting aver the car and was wondering why I had not gone straight to Firestone. I was right but did not want to talk to him as I drove. I called Cherie to have her pick me up at Firestone but she didn’t hear her cell. I got through to her right when she was talking to Fred who was panicking and had caught her at the door. I am sure she loved having Fred questioning and venting while I was calling just as she got home from work. We got settled down and everything figured out so Cherie came out to get me.
I was operating at a high frustration level by now because XXXX always seems to rub me wrong and the traffic was rough as I navigated multiple construction sites. I travel them daily but also forget them daily plus they change so I was consistently in the wrong lane forcing me to take the long way to Firestone. I tried my best to describe what the car was doing and was glad to leave it there.
It is always a breath of fresh air to see Cherie and that was particularly true this day.
We came home and I cooked the lobster I had bought with Eileen in mind. She is home now so we will do that for her later. I didn’t do a good job but that’s ok. Cherie didn’t eat much so I finished it up on principle cause this stuff ain’t cheep. It really sucked but hey I was beat. It didn’t matter cause I was with Cherie. I just relaxed and don’t remember doing anything but laying in front of the TV. I had started to get on this laptop to write but it wasn’t there.
That finishes up yesterday I think. There is something about sitting here and typing that causes a lot of pain in my middle back. I have to sit ramrod straight to alleviate it but that doesn’t last long. I think I will get up and walk around a bit.
I finally took my pill after forgetting two hours ago. I may lay down to see if the pain will go down. Will take the prescription Alieve I have from the VA. It is 4:39 and my mind is on how to design this blog. I think of things and then forget what I came up with. This is frustrating and why I need to write to think. That way I can recover what I had concluded and start from that point instead of going through the same thing again.
Blog
If I don’t start I can’t finish so here are some thoughts. How do I make this understandable to any one who might wander into this site. I had thought of just publishing my journal but it would be confusing and hard to follow with out some kind of background information. Things like the injury, the journey, brain injury, my first marriage to Cherie. I would like to organize this and maybe cross reference it. Divide it into chapters. Do I make a Blog for each chapter? And also I would like to have rooms for subjects or issues I have like the criminal justice system, scams under the guise of Christianity, our being asked to leave Cedar Creek and other subjects. How do I do this? I better go through the start up tutorial yet again to relearn how to modify this blog. With time and repetition it will stay. Should I start at the beginning?
That’s as far as I got. We ordered pizza delivery cause Cherie is tired. I could see it on her face when she walked in. We hugged and held on each other for quite a while, just drawing strength from our being one, from the security we have in each others love. My back pain is back with me sitting at this computer. I need to find a better way of doing this.
Now I am tired. It is 8:00. goodnight.
9/9/05 Friday
I took Cherie to work today so I could have her car while Fred’s is in the shop. Cherie was ready early this time because she was worrying about me. Didn’t want me to get upset because she was late. I got a lot done. Met Jeff at the Waffle House and then picked up Cherie’s check. Then I went to Sam’s Club where I had a new battery put in and scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor for contacts. After that I stopped to see how they were doing with Fred’s car. They may have found a sensor that was bad and his water pump is leaking. It will cost $570 to fix so I called Fred to let him know and get his permission to do the work. He didn’t but has no choice.
Fred asked if I would take some food to Barb and give her a ride to buy groceries. I told him I would but that he needs to cut her off some till she gets it together. When I got back I headed upstairs to use the bathroom and heard someone knocking on the door. It was Cathy next door telling me that Fred had asked her to let me know he was outside waiting. Sure enough he was out by the car.
He squeezed in and we left for Barb’s. She was waiting and you could tell she had an attitude. Fred had relayed everything I told him concerning her drug use so she made a smart aleck comment about her selling everything for drugs. That opened it up for me to confront her and let her know I was smarter than she thought. She got mad at me when I told her she couldn’t bullshit me and tried to be sarcastic saying she would sell her couch for drugs. She also said she didn’t do drugs and my reply was that if she didn’t then she was getting them for her friends.
Dawn went with us and I apologized to her saying I wasn’t in a good mood. I am home now and tired. It is nap time for me. Kind of slowing down. Got the headache.
I got Fred home and then went and picked up Cherie at work to take her to lunch. We enjoyed each other as we always do. We went to a place near her work called Maggie’s or something like that. The food was good but the waitress seemed to be in over her head. I think I got stuff out of order in the previous paragraphs. It may be that I took Fred to Barb’s after I had lunch with Cherie. It is not clear at the moment. It is 8:40 PM right now. I am a little slow. We just got back from picking Fred’s car up from Firestone. After that we went to Bob Evans for dinner and then to Sam’s Club for my eye appointment. It went well and I ordered regular glasses, a pair just for close work like carving, and contacts. I never did take that nap and am run down now. Fred is insistent that I take Barb to cash in her cans tomorrow. He got a little pissey about it but that is how it is. I know Barb did her thing on him, making him feel guilty and all.
9/10/05 Saturday
We are up. Cherie is getting ready for a long day as she makes all the last minute preparations for her parents 50th wedding anniversary. I fixed her sewing machine after studying it. At first I couldn’t figure it out till I saw her using her other machine. Then I asked her to do the same procedure (winding the bobbin) on the inoperable machine and that helped me understand the mechanics so I could fix it.
Cherie is so beautiful, at least to me for I see what is inside her, I see her heart. She asked if she could fix me something like toast after apologizing for not feeling up to fixing a regular breakfast. When I said I was ok she got a guilty look on her face as she exclaimed “I’m supposed to take care of you”. I let her scramble some eggs because I know it makes her feel better.
I am still frustrated by my inability to hook up to the wireless at the Distillery that I had been using for about a month. I suspect they blocked me out but am not computer literate enough to figure it out. I really got spoiled using the high speed connection and it will make designing and building the blog harder.
Fred called and said he could not get a hold of Barb. He called her all night and said her phone was turned off. I wasn’t surprised at all. Fred did want to go to the dollar store and the Pharm so I was glad to take him. First he had me pop the hood so he could see what they had done to his car. It was sadly comical as he asked first where the water pump was and then attempted to peer down through all the parts run by the fan belt at the hidden pump. He then began to look intently at everything as he used his hands to touch and feel what he can’t see. He would say things like “That’s where the fuel injection goes into the motor” as he pointed to the air intake.
I got him to the stores and helped him see as always. He kept talking about nothing and I tried to show interest to be good company and help him feel better. He had me drive by Ray’s car wash to see if it was open. It hasn’t been for a while and I had heard Ray was dead. It was closed and I could tell it had been shut up securely for the long haul. Fred said “It’s open” as I drove by so I had to convince him it wasn’t.
I talked him into letting me wash the car because some of our parking lot partiers had spilled or thrown something on his car. Whatever it was did not come off so I will have to get something to scrub it down.
I can’t remember if Cherie was home when I got there but I was tired and laid down. I turned on the TV and watched Norm Abrams build a piece of furniture and then the US open tennis but I fell asleep part of the time. I took my second pill and washed the dishes. I need to sanitize the fridge cause it smells from the lobster juice that had leaked out. Maybe I will get to that later. It is 2:40 and I will lay back down.
Cathy called me while I was laying down. She said “Tell Cherie it is alright to take the cake at 3:00” and a bunch more stuff. I thought Cherie was still with her so couldn’t understand why she couldn’t tell Cherie herself. I told her I was confused but she got upset and hung up. When Cherie got home I told her about it and let her know I was bothered and thought I caused trouble. Come to find out Cherie had left and Cathy just wanted to leave a message for her. This is the kind of misunderstanding I often had at Cedar Creek where I wouldn’t quite get what people said. I would interpret things wrong. It is frustrating for me to have this disability slap me in the face as I try to communicate but don’t do it well. I want to get along and be accepted, to be understood. This is another reason I don’t go out much and keep my social life limited to just a few people.
I was slow but didn’t know it till Cherie came home. Maybe this thing with Cathy triggered it but don’t know. I just know that when I started to talk to Cherie I could hear it in my voice and so could Cherie. Cherie bought me a double whopper. She had planned on fixing something but I told her to just get the burger. I will check my E-mail now. Haven’t done it in a while cause the wireless connection doesn’t work any more.
9/11/05 Sunday
I got up at five this morning. Feeling kinda strange. Just not to sharp and depressed. Got upset at the computers last night. Also upset at not being able to accomplish what used to be simple tasks.
It is 11:00 now. Cherie is sewing the blouse she is making for her parents 50th anniversary party. I fixed omelets for us. Cherie is emotional because of all the pressure of this event on top of the menopause and her tendency to worry things to death. As we talked and I worked to calm her fears she opened up about something that happened yesterday as she was shopping with her sister Cathy.
She started the conversation the way she often does, “I hope you don’t get mad”. I try to assure her and welcome her to talk without fear. She told me that when they had gone to pay for the flowers they were getting for the party, Jim and Sherri Ellis were in the same line she was heading for. Jim and Sherri are the leaders of the Cedar Creek home group we attended at their home. The emotions and hurt are so deep Cherie did not even want them to see her so she went back and hid. Cathy asked what was wrong and when Cherie explained Cathy said “They hurt you guys real bad, didn’t they”. After purchasing the flowers Cherie and Cathy went out to the car only to see, to their chagrin that Jim and Sherri were parked right across from them so Cathy helped Cherie hide again. It is a sad thing when those who’s religious belief espouses love and compassion are seemingly unaware of their hypocrisy, of the pain they cause. They just go on confident in their spirituality. We never heard a word from them and I think we never will.
I told Cherie that I was not mad at all and really don’t understand why she would think I would be. I did say that I would not hide and we live a life that bears no shame. I feel an obligation to help people like Jim and Sherri understand the consequences of their actions so they can be better people. I have no desire to get even or make them feel bad though I am sure that if they read this it would be interpreted that way. I just want to help them as I want to help all I see. I guess I am a nut because I don’t seem to be able to help myself much less others. I do help some others but not to well.
I am drinking some more Bob coffee with the hope it will energize me. Fact is I am just having a hard time being positive about anything. I have been more reclusive and can’t seem to get motivated, which is a sign of the depression that I have been fighting since before the accident. I had hoped to reach out to the world through the blog, thinking that by sharing our story I could find some who were emotionally supportive and could help us press on. I have pretty much given up the concept I could make a difference and have retreated to the safety of keeping my world very small. My seeming inability to put the blog together is just another blow and puts my fear in my face. That fear is I would just be another poor disabled person who’s life is just a day to day existence with little significance.
Every one wants to be somebody, to be accepted and have friends. When I looked for that in the church it was stomped on. I still don’t understand and wonder what was going on in their minds, who they painted me to be with their words to each other, never taking the time to know who we are. It is a shame we can’t escape the pain while in this town for there are constant reminders. When Cedar Creek was on the news, getting the publicity they chase, I saw many whom we had known and the sadness and pain I had tried to bury welled back up.
Now to the anniversary party. That started out with the last minute insanity as Cherie rushed to do all the things that hadn’t quite gotten done as well as covering for Cathy, who’s plate was already full. Cherie’s emotions were out there and she would start crying at the drop of a pin. I had to be very careful and supportive, assuring her things would be ok many times. She was in a very fragile state. I tried to help her organize the different task’s she had to do but even that had to be done with extreme care for anything that could be construed as criticism would devastate her.
We went first to her parents house so Cherie could make sure things were getting done on that end. Walking in the house I was reminded again why I avoid the place. It was a pig pen with a capital P. The new screen door Nate had installed to replace the one he broke was trashed. The front yard is again full of the crap Nate collects with his pal Jeremy. He was changing the front tire on grandma’s van. It probably ran over some of the scrap metal in the driveway. Cathy was at the end of her rope and Pat and Ted were not yet dressed. We told Cathy that we would pick up the balloons and cake and take them to the Yacht Club they had rented for this event. That took part of the stress for Cathy so we hurried to get this done because we were running late.
Cherie had ordered so many balloons we had a hard time getting them into the car. The cake was impressive but we had to put it in the trunk because it was made to accommodate fifty people. That done we headed to the hall with me driving sedately to prevent damage to the cake.
When we got to the Maumee River Yacht Club I could see potential problem right away and regretted not getting involved. There was only one door to enter the facility and it was tucked in a back corner with no signage to direct guests unfamiliar with the place. There were several flights of stairs which would be a problem because many of the guests were well up there in age. One lady was ninety years old. When I went up to the hall I was surprised to find it kind of nasty. The carpet hadn’t been swept and had stains from years of abuse that had never been cleaned, at least not that I could tell. As I started to comment on this Cherie asked me to please not criticize because she would start balling. As I looked at her face I instantly regretted my lapse of support and amended my conversation.
Connie, the youngest sister, was there with her husband and Sammy, her little son. He is a handful as all kids his age are. I think he is three or four but am not good at telling children’s ages. I decided to go out side to direct traffic as the parking lot was even a problem to get to. I would run to the door every time I would see a guest arrive who had to use a walker. There was supposed to be a wheel chair there but it was still in Cherie’s parents van and they would not arrive till later. I helped several get up the stairs by giving them a strong arm to hang on to as they inched up the stairs one step at a time.
A lady got out of a car and looking at me said “Hi Rob”. I didn’t have a clue who she was till she told me. It was Aunt Judy. We had lived at their place in our first marriage. In fact it was there I fell from a tree and broke my neck, back, and had a concussion resulting in the brain damage that tore our marriage apart. Then we met them the day of our second marriage for they had come up from Florida and were eating dinner with Pat and Ted. The inability to remember and recognize faces is a big part of this disability I have.
I really didn’t know any one else for I have not been a part of this family for twenty years. Many of them knew who I was and I am sure heard all the stories of my drastic personality change twenty years ago. We shared our story with several and few of them knew any real details. They were often very surprised and we were able to help them understand brain injury and its effects.
Once things got going it went very well. Ted smiled more than I have ever seen before and it was a big smile. There were relatives from Texas, Arizona, New York, and Florida. This was a no booze event which was a good idea. Even Nate was politically correct though his tales of his boat were mostly bullshit. There is no way that old boat with its small out board engine would go seventy two miles per hour but I let him go. Not the right place or time to confront him. Besides I had promised to be good. For me that means keeping my mouth shut.
After staying outside and generally away from others I became secure enough to mix and talk. It was usually fairly innocuous conversation covering generalities after I identified myself as Cherie’s husband. With that they knew who I was. One conversation I found disturbing. The subject of the Katrina refugees came up. Judy was there from Florida and there was a couple from Texas. Of course I can’t remember their names or the relationship to Cherie but that doesn’t matter. It was the attitude. Judy said it was ok to have them move into the state as long as they were not close. A comment was made about them all being poor. “They didn’t have anything before the storm and they don’t have anything now”. The conversation went on to classifying all as drug addicts and criminals and then race came into play. I really was at a loss for words and not being able to think fast on my feet when in an unfamiliar situation I excused myself. This was such a contrast to the conversation I had moments earlier with one of Patsy’s best friend who is a devout Christian. We had talked about how it is the poor who are the focus of God’s heart and how few churches are following that teaching.
Seeing things going well took a tremendous load off of Cherie. The relief was evident on her face and her smile was radiant. This brought out her beauty and she enjoyed catching up with all the family stuff that is lost on me.
When all was said and done I helped the guests back down the stairs and then helped Cherie’s Dad. Actually Nate did most of the work with Ted. We got everything cleaned up and left. Cherie was energized and glad this was all over. We went home and chilled. End of day.
9/12/05 Monday
I am doing well today. Just got back from taking Sharon to Rite Aid and Save a Lot this morning. She doesn’t ask for help very often but I am glad to help. Fred was a bit upset. He called me while I was at the 50th anniversary party for Pat and Ted thinking I was at home. He wanted me to take him to Barb’s for the typical running she wants such as going to the Trilby church for food. She is still pressing Fred to get the cans cashed in. I told Fred that I already had Sharon scheduled for today and he did not like that. When I called him this morning he said “Why am I always last Bob, that’s not right”. I explained again, as I have many times now, that I schedule everything with my calendar and that I had scheduled Sharon last week. I asked again for him to plan ahead so I could schedule his needs. “Once your in the calendar Fred that time is reserved for you. It would be a big help if you could let me know in advance.” I told him. He said he understands but I know he will forget or just expect me to be at his beck and call. I have to go now cause I heard his door so he will be waiting.
I’m back. It is 2:40 now. I took Fred to Barb’s and she was waiting with the bags of cans out in front of her door. Part of what we were to do is take Barb to the Cricket cell phone place because she said her charger was broken. I told Fred that I would like to see her phone because I didn’t trust her. As far as I know the phone was still in the hands of this George guy. She was telling Fred that the reason he couldn’t reach her was the charger was broke. Barb had talked Fred into buying the charger and it wouldn’t surprise me if she took it back for a refund. I don’t know and it would be improper to make that judgment until I do. I do know that when Fred asked her where her phone was she got evasive and said it was in her purse. When Fred pressed she was forced to admit she only had the charger with her. Asked again about the phone she copped an attitude and said “Just forget it. I won’t get the charger”. Doesn’t look good.
Dawn went with us to Trilby. As we drove I asked Barb “Do you know why I changed, why I am not as nice?”. “Because of drugs” she replied. “No. That’s not it. There was only one thing I have asked of you, and that is that you don’t lie to me.” I told her. She really didn’t have a reply for that but she did start on the defensive telling me that Fred has known her since she was eighteen. “I think he knows me better than you do Bob”. Now I let her know I wasn’t a fool. I told her that I have known hundreds of Barbs in my life, I know her world, I know drugs, I’ve run with it all from working girls (Prostitutes) to every kind of criminal there is. There was a lot more I could have said but this made my point. Among the things that came up in our conversation was her checks have been cut $30 because she had run out of money. It wasn’t to long ago that she had $4000.00 she had to spend to prevent her Social Security from being reduced. All she has to show for it is a TV, a cheap gaudy half couch thing, the name of which escapes me at the moment, and an arm chair that at least is decent. That’s it. I don’t know if Basil is still in the picture but if her money is gone he probably is too.
She got $6.80 for her cans which she will use to buy cigarettes and cat food with. After that we went to Trilby and picked up food. I helped carry the food up for Dawn but let Barb take care of her bag. That done Fred took had me drive to Arby’s where he bought the 4 for $5.00 deal. When he tried to give one to me I said I did not want it. This upset him so I reminded him that I had told him I already ate when we left the apartment. With that done I took the girls home and Fred to the dollar store. He didn’t buy much and was tiring out so that is the end of this day, at least this portion of it.
I am still lucid but can feel me tiring out. I called Eileen to see how she is doing. It isn’t good and to add to her stress the home front is bad. She had a joint her friend had given her before she went in the hospital that she had put away so she could use it to help calm herself down when she got out. It was gone along with $15.00 that had been in her purse. About the only one who could have taken it is Terry so she confronted him. He denied it but didn’t show up for two days. Then he came in and tried to give her one, which she refused on principle. Her and Glen are trying to set a trap to catch him.
As we talked I told Eileen that she was really about the best friend I had because other than my second wife, whom I spent seventeen miserable years with, she has been around me longer than anyone, even my own family. She agreed and said that Cherie and I were her best friends because there were few others she could trust.
9/13/05 Tuesday
Was up and down last night and woke up groggy. Back when I was a drinker and druger I woke up like this often but now I don’t do either. This brain injury is so much like using drugs I find it uncanny that I used to pay money to be this hampered. Fortunately these periods do not last long, they just come and go without warning. Yesterday was a great day and I was sharp the whole time with no slow downs. Love it. I did get a little bitchy last night over Cherie’s objection to me changing the channel. I am lucky to have a woman who is compassionate and understands my TBI.
I am going to get Wayne and take him shopping this morning. When I looked at the calendar I saw that today is the M.S. luncheon that I have been forgetting to get Wayne to for months. I called him and asked if he would like to spend most of the morning with me and go to the luncheon. This time he was agreeable to going. In the past he wasn’t to hot on the idea, I think because of depression. Got to get ready and go.
When I called Fred he asked me to pick up some milk for him which I am more than happy to do. I asked if Barb had called and he said yes. “Did she use her phone?” I asked. He told me that she said it wasn’t charged up yet and wouldn’t work until it is fully charged. I explained to Fred that that is a lie. I told him that I know cell phones will work with a minimum charge on them. When he expressed doubt I said that I have owned and used cell phones for years and know it for a fact. Doesn’t look good and I get a continual confirmation of my suspicions. Not much I can do but expose her deceptions with the hope she will come back around.
9/14/05 Wednesday
Just got this computer back from the shop. I haven’t been able to go online or do much for over a week. Yesterday ended up rough. I had put the MS luncheon on the calendar for yesterday. I was proud to have finally remembered and scheduled it for Wayne after failing to do so for a few months. After taking Wayne to the store and getting milk for Fred I drove Wayne to the Garden Café for the luncheon full of hope it would do him some good. I was embarrassed to find I had the wrong day down and got very angry. It has been a while, or at least I think it has, since I have had this lack of emotional control that has plagued me since I woke up. It was nasty and I took Wayne home right away. He kept talking and talking till I told him to shut the fuck up. Not good and I feel real bad. The anger stayed with me the rest of the day and some of it remains today. It was hard on Cherie and I have been real critical about everything. This compounds Cherie’s insecurities and tears down some of the progress I have made on building up her self esteem. Much of my anger is about being faced with my inability to do simple things like writing something in my calendar on the correct day. It makes me feel like I am a moron and brings up the depression. I so want to be able to do things, to not keep failing. It is hard to have hopes and dreams, to be somebody, when your confidence is regularly shattered. I had longed for this computer for writing helps me work things out.
To make things worse I just accidentally deleted all the e-mail I had on Go.com. There were records and addresses there I cannot recover. I tried but it is gone. I used to be so smart and now I am like a kid having to learn the same things over and over again only to have them vanish if I don’t keep up with it. The joke I used to tell about what it is like to be me is no longer funny. I would say that I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you would ever meet. Just depended on what day you met me. Now I feel dumb and helpless and don’t like the reality that I am doomed to remain this way. The rejection of those I had turned to for support in church kind of made this clear.
Fred called. He wants me to take Barb to the dentist Saturday. Barb told him she still didn’t have her phone and had loaned to Pauly. That is just another lie she is caught in as she had just told him Monday, when asked, that it was in her apartment. I told Fred she had scammed him out of the $30.00 he just spent on the new charger he bought that day and probably took it back for a refund. He doesn’t want to believe it but it may be sinking in. I told him he needs to cut her off so she will face the consequences of her actions. She needs to hit bottom to wake up. At least that is the theory and the way it has worked for others such as myself but she is used to being at the bottom and is comfortable there. I agreed to take her but she won’t like it cause I will speak my mind. At least I know enough to not shoulder the blame for her down hill spiral. I did what I could but I know the power of the drugs and she is choosing this. It is sad to watch but is an old story that is repeated thousands of times every day. Same story, different face and name.
I’m pretty depressed. Allen called and tried to help but I really don’t want to hear it from him. He asked me to come over and help and said we could watch movies and stuff to cheer me up. Cherie came home. I apologized. I can hear that I am a bit slow. Have to go pick up my glasses now at Sam’s. Told Cherie we can get something to eat then so she won’t have to cook.
I’m doing better now. After we went to pick up my glasses at Sam’s Club I filled up Fred’s car. We ate at Bob Evans and then went to home group. I was angry as I drove, cussing out one guy who pulled out in front of us as he talked on his cell phone. His window was rolled down as was mine and he definitely heard me and waved his hand, perhaps in apology, I don’t know but it scared Cherie to hear me do this.
The glasses I got don’t seem right so I will try wearing them to see if they straighten up. Everything was bowed, the floors and walls all appeared to be swelling out. This upset my equilibrium kind of like being in one of those gravity houses at a fair.
Home group was different. Bill showed a video about the missionaries who were killed in the Amazon and asked advice on how to show it. I found this puzzling because he was so unsure of what to do. He mentioned that the church was having difficulties for the last two or so years and it was wearing on him. After I pulled him aside and talked to him about some of the things that had been on my heart for a month or two. I talked of Christians getting comfortable and not be reverential or having a fear of God. I quoted scriptures that came to my mind as I talked.
This puzzles me. Who am I to tell a preacher these things. I have doubts as to the existence of God and dispute some of what has become standard fare regarding church doctrine. When I discussed this with Cherie on the drive home the only thing I could think of to compare me too was Balam’s ass. If a donkey can talk to a prophet of God perhaps then God can use someone like me. I sure ain’t a holy man. Not even close. I do know the Bible better than most and see things with different eyes, a different perspective.
9/15/05 Thursday
And I’m off. Woke up but didn’t want to. I forced my self to get my butt out of bed and got cleaned up. I went across the street for breakfast because I was too lazy to cook. While there Sharon called me. They moved someone next door to her and he knocked on her door with his belt undone and his zipper down. Not good at all. Sharon asked if they were still taking section 8 where we are so I went to the office and checked. MD properties is not to keen on it because of problems they had in the past. The lady I talked to will call the owner to see if he will make an exception. I got to go get Wayne now so will finish this later.
I am back. It is 2:53 now. The MS luncheon was really a good thing and I am glad I finally got Wayne to it. We got there at 11:30 and there was no one else from the group present. The restaurant did not have any tables set up so they threw a couple together. Wayne and I sat there for the next half hour by ourselves and I worried that I had screwed up again. Wayne kept chattering on, asking me the same questions over and over about when it was to start and which Thursday of the month it was supposed to be on. This just aggravated the feelings I had about not having it together and the fear I had come on the wrong day again.
Then to my relief I saw a van pull up that had two people in it who needed devices to help them walk. One was a motorized wheelchair and the other a walker. This gave me hope which was confirmed when they came to our table with the white haired woman in the wheelchair leading the way. She had a radiant smile that lit up her whole face and asked if we were here for the MS lunch.
There was just three of them, two with MS and the other was the driver of the van who’s exact position I am not clear on at the moment. I think she is a volunteer caretaker or something but she has a sweet disposition and is in sales with a computer corporation that I believe she said was a spin off of IBM. We all began the process of getting to know each other and began to share with each other. Denise was the one with a walker and had the most obvious physical symptoms of MS with a pronounced shaking and her speech was also affected.
I was slow by this time because of the anxiety I had earlier and the need to process all the things going on like the restaurant commotion and trying to follow the conversation at the table. There was so much helpful information and input that I went out to the car to get my notebook and write things down. I hope I can follow through on things because it would make a significant improvement for Wayne.
Right now as I write this I am tired and slowing down. I want to take a nap but want to write this stuff down. Think I will lay down. Took my pill and some aspirin. Got a headache. Wayne wanted me to come in and visit but I just wanted to get home cause I felt the headache coming. I am yawning those big yawns that cause the paralysis thing in my neck. Laying down wins. Be back later.
It’s later. I did the half asleep half awake thing that I do so much now. Cherie came home early from work and fixed a noodle and chicken dinner that was good. She seemed surprised. The headache is a killer this time. The right leg is less operational and the knee is stiff and painful. I am still not up to speed and writing this comes slowly. I had hoped to record the events of earlier so it wouldn’t vanish into the recesses of my mind. I can’t recall much right now and hope it will be accessible later. I also hope to do something on the blog and may be able because I can just post some of what I already wrote.
Friday, September 02, 2005
My first post, more to come
8/31/05 Wednesday
I am up early. Tried to change my blog but seem unable to do so. Woke up with my past on my mind. That is always disturbing.
I wrote that at 5:00 this morning. I dipped around, checked my E mail and deleted the 110 E mails I had on go.com and then crawled back into bed where I lay thinking till Cherie began to stir. I turned on the news to watch about the hurricane and was reminded how facing death and losing everything can impact one’s view on life. I was doing well and we got up. I showered and got ready to see the lawyer about the bankruptcy. Then, as I prepared eggs and bacon for Cherie and I, I began to have that feeling I should be used to. Despite this being a regular occurrence I thought maybe it was the flu but it is another partial seizure, a slowdown. It is still growing and writing this is difficult. Hope I am better when we go see the attorney. Took my pill and need to take something for headache, which is also growing.
It is 3:30. I am tired and hope I can get all this written down before it is gone. I was pretty slow at the attorney’s but managed OK. I am glad Cherie was there for she will help me sort all this out. I am a bit stressed or something, too much to process. Just came up from talking with Fred concerning Barb and her possible drug use. I think I will lay down and finish this later. Need to take my pill. I had speeded up but now that I am home I am starting to slow down. Probably from the stress and relaxing. Don’t know but I am having hard time putting sentences together. Time to rest. Mental fatigue.
9/1/05 Thursday
As usual I didn’t finish yesterdays entry. I did get better mentally but was still tired and went to bed at 8:00 last night. After we got done at the lawyers I walked with Cherie to several of the banks I used to have accounts at, which were all within blocks of the Spitzer Building where one of my companies was once housed. The reason we did this was to see if I cold recover my banking records to help me research my past. If I could get copies of the checks I wrote and deposits it would reveal much and help me put dates on events as well as unlocking more memories. Unfortunately because it was over four years ago much of that information has been purged from the banks records. Fifth Third at first did not even show I had ever had an account there. At first I thought maybe I didn’t and the memory of being in the building was from the times I had cleared the top two floors of the building, which was where they stored their surplus furniture and equipment. But as we talked to the banker I remembered cashing many checks and that perhaps this was where my second mortgage money had been deposited.
The bank rep was amazed with our story as most are. He said he would research as best he could and took down our phone number and address. He called us at around 6:00 to let me know that I indeed had an account there but that he had found only a rudimentary record, which he will mail. He told us that there was normally a fee for such research but it was waved because of the unusual circumstances. He did say there was some money owed, which did not surprise me in the least. Actually I expected that because of the lunacy of my last days prior to the wreck. Again writing a book was suggested.
Then we went to Charter One where we made the same request. When we were seated in front of the bank rep she asked us what she could do for us. I told her the same thing I told the previous banker. “This will be a little different from what you are used to. I woke up from a coma four years ago and have partial amnesia. I would like to get records of all my transactions to help me reconstruct my past.” Again I did not show up on the computer so I left my social security number and our phone number so she could see what she could find.
The next stop was at National City Bank. There were major changes here as there were at 5th Third. The teller area had been closed and moved across the hall. It was the same as the other banks, with the same reaction of wonder as I told of the coma and of how it brought Cherie and I together. Again I was hard to find but he did find a record of an account. It was a joint checking account I had put Yolanda on. With that came memories of how she had withdrawn money after she had put me in jail on trumped up domestic abuse charges. Intrigued by our story the banker promised to see what he could find so we left our number. He called me this morning to tell me he found two accounts, both of which had been closed, one in August of 2001 and the other November 30th. I said that was while I was in a coma so he explained it was probably closed for inactivity. He gave me a number to call at loss prevention where I may learn more.
I had told Cherie of how I had liquidated lots of things for the building including many art deco items that had been a big part of the original architecture. When we left the bank I went to the security desk to see if Richard Stiff was still in charge of the building. He was but I had just missed him so I took Cherie downstairs to a restaurant called Eddie B’s. I wasn’t sure but it was in the back of my head that I had taken Cherie here before so I asked her. Sure enough I did and with that the memory returned. We had a wonderful light meal and went to pick up Wayne so I could take him back to Crissey road to exchange two pair of pants that had been mismarked.
As we walked out of the bank we ran into Jeanie, a person who had been in the home group from Cedar Creek. This was kind of amazing because Cherie had run into her at the grocery store just a week ago and here we are downtown and seeing her again. We talked and wondered if this was more than a coincidence. They considered it to possibly be some kind of divine guidance. I don’t know and no longer jump to that kind of conclusion but suggested we get together for dinner. We set a date and will do so.
We picked Wayne up to save time and gas for I had to get Cherie back to her car so she could go with her mom and sister to the yacht club to finalize things for the anniversary dinner. Fred had asked that I stop by Barb’s to get the $10.00. When we drove up her door was closed and there was a blue and white older suv. I knocked on the door and waited with no luck so I knocked again loudly. I was just about to knock a third time when I heard Barb yelling through the closed door “Bob, what do you want?”. I told her Fred was worried and wanted me to see if she was ok. She said “I’m fine” in a go away kind of tone. “Barb why won’t you open the door? Are you hiding something?” I yelled at the door. She wouldn’t answer and no longer responded to any thing else I said so I said “Your back on that shit aren’t you” referring to crack cocaine and left.
I got Cherie home and drove directly to the thrift shop on Crissey Rd. with Wayne. When we got there I explained that I had brought Wayne there two weeks ago with a voucher for food and clothes but two pair of pants had been mismarked. After looking at the pants and seeing they were women’s she said they didn’t normally accept exchanges but she would check with the boss. Coming out she said they would allow an exchange but don’t tell anyone. No problem and this time I made sure he got the right sizes.
That done I took Wayne home and went home myself. Fred caught me at the door and we sat down to talk about Barb. I kind of had to explain the facts of life to him. I told him that Barb was exhibiting all the signs of drug use. Lying, manipulating, money disappearing, possessions coming up missing with the excuse “It was stolen”. Now her cell phone hasn’t been answered for three days and I suspect it is being held for a drug debt or was traded. Fred did not want to accept that possibility and is in denial but time will tell. I had suspected Barb had been a prostitute and when I asked Fred bluntly about it he confirmed it.
I was pretty worn out as you can see from my entry yesterday and laid down turning on the TV. When Cherie got home, one look told me she had a trying time with her family. She told me she didn’t feel up to cooking and of course said she was sorry as she does for everything. She actually asked if we could go out, which is rare for her to do. “Fine” I said “lets do Mexican” and we left right away to beat the crowds. (This was about 4:00) I took her to Don Pablo’s, which is a higher quality establishment we had tried to go to before but it was packed with a half hour wait so we went somewhere else.
This time there was no crowd and we were seated right away. Cherie was very perturbed by her interaction with her mom and her sister, Connie and I was also agitated by the thing with Barb so I told her to relax and we would talk over the meal. She was feeling guilty about not fixing dinner, which is what she does, but as she drank her Sangria and ate the appetizers she began to unwind and relax. “I’m so glad you did this, its just what I needed” Cherie told me as I began to see that smile I love. It was a good night and by this time my mind had sharpened up.
OK. That was yesterday so now I need to fill in today’s events. It has been a real bus day with me going non stop for seven hours. I have been very lucid the whole day, which hasn’t happened in a while. My energy level is up, at least till I came home and slowed down my activity. Then I just became tired physically but my mind is still doing well as evidenced by this writing.
Today started with me taking Fred shopping. We went to Kazmier’s first, where I helped him see as always and picked out a roast for him. Then we went to the dollar store so he could by a few items including a birthday card for our neighbor, Cathy. We should do something because we really haven’t been very open or whatever you call it. We had invited her over for dinner about six months ago and never followed through.
Fred had wanted to drop by Barb’s after we went shopping but when he tried to call her phone was not working again so he didn’t want to spend the gas to find out she wasn’t home or awake. He asked me to drop by after I took Wayne to the doctor and I agreed to do so.
After taking Fred home and carrying his groceries upstairs I went upstairs to the apartment. I washed dishes and got the venison chili I had planned to make going in the crock pot. It was a rush in order to get Wayne to his appointment on time but I was up to it and enjoyed this time of being able to do it. I called Wayne to insure he was ready and packed this laptop, rushing to get across town in time.
Wayne was ready and worried about me, telling me not to get a ticket and finding other things that might go wrong. I kept telling him to relax and assured him that while I was a little late I did not need to speed and would be fine. We got there right at 2:00 and I worked on writing this while he was being examined. Doc wanted to get some lab work so I took Wayne to Toledo Hospital. Wayne has had a persistent raspy throat and the antibiotics Doc had prescribed did not cure it thus the need for lab work. As I was taking Wayne home he told me that Doc was concerned about the possibility of cancer which is a real concern because of almost forty years of smoking. I know I got him to quit a month or two ago but the damage is done so he has to be careful. I got Wayne home and headed over to Barb’s.
Basil was out in the drive with his boss drinking a case of beer as he does. As I approached Barb’s door he called me over. “I didn’t talk to Fred, that wasn’t me” he postulated. I don’t play with words so I told him that I was listening, it sounded like him. The person had answered Barb’s phone, was drunk, and I told him details of the conversation. Basil goes “Come on, you know me. Do you think I would talk that way” I told Basil that I did not know him and it didn’t matter because it set Fred off. I explained Fred wanted me to check on Barb and also collect the ten dollars she owed him. Basil said she was lying on the bed so I went in and called her name. She answered from the bedroom but would not come out. I could hear irritation in her voice as she said she would call Fred and would get a check tomorrow. That was the end of the conversation so I left.
I talked to Fred when I got home and filled him in. Both he and I will call Barb’s case worker tomorrow to motivate her and Fred will try to get vital info on Basil so I can see if he has warrants. I learned that Basil had physically abused Barb before so have to wonder if that is the reason Barb did not wish to be seen. It is a difficult situation with no easy answers but I will try to do what is best for Barb though she may not see it that way.
By this time I was worn and warm from being in the hot car all day so I had one of the two beers that have been in the fridge for a few weeks. I’m really not a beer drinker but it went down well as I started writing again. Cherie came home and fixed a wonderful dinner and we talked, enjoying each others company as we do. Right now it is 8:43 and I am still lucid, which is cool but at times like this I always dread the inevitable slow down. I purposely avoided the television so I would not veg in front of it and could make use of what I call “Prime Time”. Now my back pain is getting so bad it is making this difficult so I will take a pain pill and lay down. I just can’t sit in a chair for too long. For that matter doing the dishes is painful also but hey, that’s the way it is so I press on. I think I will quit now. I have a busy morning tomorrow.
9/2/05 Friday
I am still lucid and cognizant. I was sharp all day yesterday and had improved late Wednesday despite all the stress and activity. Hope it stays that way. I think that all the activity helps my mind stay awake but sometimes it has just the opposite effect. Who knows, it is all a mystery to me.
I was late meeting Jeff for our Friday breakfast because I was trying to print out a Bible study I had started while still at Cedar Creek but never finished because of the pain of their rejection. It took a while because the printer had a mind of it’s own. The study was on the poor and downtrodden, a subject that is close to my heart since my experiences when homeless.
We talked of the debacle at New Orleans. How it is the poor who were and still are being hit the hardest. Perhaps those who had money lost more from the standpoint of the value of their property but it is the poor who are paying the highest price. They couldn’t afford to get out, indeed many did not even have a vehicle and some could not afford the gas to leave. Plus they had no place to go to prior to Katrina’s landfall. I expressed my disdain for Bush and his smirky political response, making a public fly over that is strictly a political show and does nothing but present an image of concern. The fact that he had already flown over the area seems to be lost on the public and he can see much more on TV than he will ever see from the air at 600 miles an hour.
I told Jeff that if we could invade Iraq and make it to Bagdad in a week why can’t we get troops in the city to supply food, medicine, protection, and more important set up a system of communication. The responsibility for this goes straight to the top because all the bureaucrats are afraid to make a decision without approval from higher up. This fear and lack of balls has paralyzed our government agencies for decades.
After that we talked of how we both are fighting the temptations of internet garbage and how to best do that. I told him about the situation with Barb, how frustrating and sad it is to watch this destruction of life and be unable to do much.
I touched on Cedar Creek and the home group, telling Jeff how Jeanie was asked to give up her spot to make room for someone else. Jeff said he was told the story differently, that Jeanie just couldn’t come any more, not that her personal or family problems had consumed her time so attending was hard. How is it that they are so blind, how is it they don’t understand? The very people Jesus had the most compassion for, those who have the most need are the ones they withdrawing from. Jeanie said she was never called and no one reached out till they called to say they needed her space. When one is looked at as a space to be occupied there is a problem. Of course that was us also.
After I picked up Cherie’s check and came home. Fred was ready to get his haircut so we left right away. I talked to his barber who’s daughter had been married to Basil and learned Basil had gone to jail for selling drugs and she had received four checks for child support. In eight years Basil never went to see his children. Fred dug up his social security number and I got that to Wayne who will relay it to his nephew the cop. Odds are he has warrants so we’ll see.
I will take Fred over to Barb’s at 1:00. Her phone is still not connected. I think she traded it for drugs and they reprogrammed it. Maybe not but we will see. I called Shannon from Fred’s phone and left a message.
Damn it, I am slowing down. Can feel it, headache coming and am feeling real hungry despite eating breakfast two hours ago.
It is 12:34 midnight as I write this. It has been a day with some sadness and frustration. I fixed a cup of Bob coffee that will jolt me and I am drinking this black to offset the sweetness and chocolate of the ice cream I dished up. I know it’s late but after seeing the mail that came for me I figure I will want to stay up a bit. Cherie was happy when I got home a few minutes ago because it is very hard for her to be alone now. She misses me and can’t sleep as well as worrying about me. I had been at Allen’s since around 3:00 and had just gotten home. Now she can go to bed and fall asleep, secure in the knowledge I am near and she has. I expect to hear her snoring any minute now but enough of that, let me fill in the rest of this day.
I had laid down earlier because of the slow down. (I prefer to use the term slow down instead of a partial seizure, just sounds less scary) It did not last long. It was an hour later that I had to take Fred to Barb’s and I had improved but still was not up to speed. Shannon returned my call as I drove to Barb’s and we talked. She said she was limited on what she could say because I wasn’t listed on a release of information form but she could say a few things. I told her about my suspicions of drug use, Basil’s using her, and other things so she explained that she couldn’t help Barb unless she asked for it.
When we pulled up Barb was just walking out to the same blue car I had seen there a day or two before. Barb had no choice but to talk to Fred and the black guy waiting in the car was nervous and told Barb to just go with us. Fred didn’t just lay into her but told her he cared for her and was worried. She told Fred she did not get the check she told me yesterday would come but, noticing the impatience of the guy in the blue car she asked if we could take her to the carry out to get cat food.
I drove her there and told Fred she was cashing her check as she bought the cat food because I could see her through the window. She came out and when I was blunt about seeing all the signs of drug use and then pointed out things like her “coke” jaw she wouldn’t talk. When we got her back the driver of the blue car was in Barb’s house and I saw Basil quickly closing the door. Barb was in a hurry to get out and I know why.
As I drove Fred back I advised him to no longer supply her with food and money because that just gave her more to get crack with. I had asked Barb where her phone was and she said a friend had it and would call him to get it back. I just looked at her and said she probably had to give the phone up for a debt. She knew exactly what I was talking about and said nothing. I had explained all this to Fred several times and I think he was just now beginning to recognize it.
After coming home I came upstairs and cleaned up the blood that had leaked from the venison I had defrosted yesterday and washed a few dishes before calling Allen. I had also gotten on the net to see where the cheapest gas was and it was on Woodville road so I let Fred know I would be going to the East side for gas and would visit friends while over there.
I filled up at $2.99, which was as good as it got today and who knows what tomorrow brings. Then I went to see Allen and watch the movies he had rented and needed to return. Later he tells me he rented them to watch with me so had not watched “Alexander” nor “Sahara” yet. I find this a little uncomfortable but recognize and relate to wanting a friend, feeling alone, and depression.
I took some of the venison chili I made with me and don’t know if he would like it or not but won’t worry over that anyway. The first order of business came when Allen asked if I knew anything about plumbing. I told him maybe just a little but not much and asked what was up. He took me to the upstairs apartment and showed me the shower valve, turning it on to illustrate the problem. The valve that directs water to the shower nozzle was not working well and most of the water came out of the bath spout with just a trickle making it to the shower head.
I told him the cheap fix would be to plug the spout, forcing all the water to the shower head. He recognized that as a good idea and then the trouble started. As he usually does he refused to consider any method of accomplishing this other than what was in his mind. I pointed out what would happen his way he poo pooed it and went on, confident in his plan. It blew out and sprayed all over the place as I said it would so he went and got his tools so I could take the valve apart.
I have never done this before, at least that I can remember, but I still retain much of my mechanical ability so had no problem figuring it out. We got the valve out and I pointed out the worn washer so we headed to the hardware store to get a replacement. At the store the clerk pointed out a second washer that had pretty much vanished and was the main culprit. We got all that done and I reinstalled the valve. Somewhere in all this I pointed out that I was correct and that it would be nice if he would accept my advise with out a big hassle, to trust my judgement. That set him off, which set me off. Allen can trigger my temper better than anyone else, with the exception of my brother so when we got to the F you level I told Allen I was out of there. He said something about me running so I tried to explain that for me to stay there with him gnawing on the subject till I blew up was what I was trying to avoid. I finally got him to agree to let it go and move on to another subject, which he kinda did.
We went down and started the first movie, which was Alexander. It started out good but soon degenerated into a philosophical kind of presentation of the depth and value of Alexander’s homosexuality and jumped back and forth in time to show the forces and events that created him. I found this confusing and got real bored as everyone gave there grand speeches. The gay thing I wasn’t comfortable with and Allen seemed surprised when it became obvious because they worked up to it slowly, dropping little hints that became clearer as the movie progressed.
I was glad when it was over and we put the second movie, Sahara, in. It was much better and well put together, building the foundation of the story well. There were plenty of twists and turns and, other than some action scenes that could have come out of Raiders of the Lost Arc, was logical and believable.
By the time that was over it was almost midnight so I took off. The phone rang just as I drove out and it was Fred. “Where are you?” he asked and I told him I had just left Allen’s and was heading home. He was not as panicky as he has been in the past, which shows his trust in me has grown. I will not violate that trust and am glad I have earned it,
Now to the mail that inspired me to stay up. Fifth Third Bank had dug up bank records that go from December of 2000 to August of 2001 and sent them to me. As I looked at them I see when the second mortgage was wired into my account and how much I got. It seems that I had also opened up a savings account for Jonathan that also had Yolanda on it. This was done in January of 2001 and helps me greatly in putting these pieces in this puzzle of my life together.
As I look through these pages I see a telling month to month map of how bad I was doing. Many bounced checks and lots of negative balances that often where in the five to eight hundred dollar range. One of the overdrafts was for $10,962. Wow! How did I keep this account? I didn’t. It was closed in August. There is so much evidence here of when, what, and where, that I am considering paying whatever fee there is to get copies of the original checks and possibly earlier records. This will be invaluable in helping me reconstruct my journey into madness. It appears I was already well on the way down that path at the earliest date they gave me, December 2000.
It is 2:26 in the morning. I am tired but awake. So much has been stirred up in my mind by this. I should try to sleep as I am to take Wayne to cash his check and shopping tomorrow.
I am up early. Tried to change my blog but seem unable to do so. Woke up with my past on my mind. That is always disturbing.
I wrote that at 5:00 this morning. I dipped around, checked my E mail and deleted the 110 E mails I had on go.com and then crawled back into bed where I lay thinking till Cherie began to stir. I turned on the news to watch about the hurricane and was reminded how facing death and losing everything can impact one’s view on life. I was doing well and we got up. I showered and got ready to see the lawyer about the bankruptcy. Then, as I prepared eggs and bacon for Cherie and I, I began to have that feeling I should be used to. Despite this being a regular occurrence I thought maybe it was the flu but it is another partial seizure, a slowdown. It is still growing and writing this is difficult. Hope I am better when we go see the attorney. Took my pill and need to take something for headache, which is also growing.
It is 3:30. I am tired and hope I can get all this written down before it is gone. I was pretty slow at the attorney’s but managed OK. I am glad Cherie was there for she will help me sort all this out. I am a bit stressed or something, too much to process. Just came up from talking with Fred concerning Barb and her possible drug use. I think I will lay down and finish this later. Need to take my pill. I had speeded up but now that I am home I am starting to slow down. Probably from the stress and relaxing. Don’t know but I am having hard time putting sentences together. Time to rest. Mental fatigue.
9/1/05 Thursday
As usual I didn’t finish yesterdays entry. I did get better mentally but was still tired and went to bed at 8:00 last night. After we got done at the lawyers I walked with Cherie to several of the banks I used to have accounts at, which were all within blocks of the Spitzer Building where one of my companies was once housed. The reason we did this was to see if I cold recover my banking records to help me research my past. If I could get copies of the checks I wrote and deposits it would reveal much and help me put dates on events as well as unlocking more memories. Unfortunately because it was over four years ago much of that information has been purged from the banks records. Fifth Third at first did not even show I had ever had an account there. At first I thought maybe I didn’t and the memory of being in the building was from the times I had cleared the top two floors of the building, which was where they stored their surplus furniture and equipment. But as we talked to the banker I remembered cashing many checks and that perhaps this was where my second mortgage money had been deposited.
The bank rep was amazed with our story as most are. He said he would research as best he could and took down our phone number and address. He called us at around 6:00 to let me know that I indeed had an account there but that he had found only a rudimentary record, which he will mail. He told us that there was normally a fee for such research but it was waved because of the unusual circumstances. He did say there was some money owed, which did not surprise me in the least. Actually I expected that because of the lunacy of my last days prior to the wreck. Again writing a book was suggested.
Then we went to Charter One where we made the same request. When we were seated in front of the bank rep she asked us what she could do for us. I told her the same thing I told the previous banker. “This will be a little different from what you are used to. I woke up from a coma four years ago and have partial amnesia. I would like to get records of all my transactions to help me reconstruct my past.” Again I did not show up on the computer so I left my social security number and our phone number so she could see what she could find.
The next stop was at National City Bank. There were major changes here as there were at 5th Third. The teller area had been closed and moved across the hall. It was the same as the other banks, with the same reaction of wonder as I told of the coma and of how it brought Cherie and I together. Again I was hard to find but he did find a record of an account. It was a joint checking account I had put Yolanda on. With that came memories of how she had withdrawn money after she had put me in jail on trumped up domestic abuse charges. Intrigued by our story the banker promised to see what he could find so we left our number. He called me this morning to tell me he found two accounts, both of which had been closed, one in August of 2001 and the other November 30th. I said that was while I was in a coma so he explained it was probably closed for inactivity. He gave me a number to call at loss prevention where I may learn more.
I had told Cherie of how I had liquidated lots of things for the building including many art deco items that had been a big part of the original architecture. When we left the bank I went to the security desk to see if Richard Stiff was still in charge of the building. He was but I had just missed him so I took Cherie downstairs to a restaurant called Eddie B’s. I wasn’t sure but it was in the back of my head that I had taken Cherie here before so I asked her. Sure enough I did and with that the memory returned. We had a wonderful light meal and went to pick up Wayne so I could take him back to Crissey road to exchange two pair of pants that had been mismarked.
As we walked out of the bank we ran into Jeanie, a person who had been in the home group from Cedar Creek. This was kind of amazing because Cherie had run into her at the grocery store just a week ago and here we are downtown and seeing her again. We talked and wondered if this was more than a coincidence. They considered it to possibly be some kind of divine guidance. I don’t know and no longer jump to that kind of conclusion but suggested we get together for dinner. We set a date and will do so.
We picked Wayne up to save time and gas for I had to get Cherie back to her car so she could go with her mom and sister to the yacht club to finalize things for the anniversary dinner. Fred had asked that I stop by Barb’s to get the $10.00. When we drove up her door was closed and there was a blue and white older suv. I knocked on the door and waited with no luck so I knocked again loudly. I was just about to knock a third time when I heard Barb yelling through the closed door “Bob, what do you want?”. I told her Fred was worried and wanted me to see if she was ok. She said “I’m fine” in a go away kind of tone. “Barb why won’t you open the door? Are you hiding something?” I yelled at the door. She wouldn’t answer and no longer responded to any thing else I said so I said “Your back on that shit aren’t you” referring to crack cocaine and left.
I got Cherie home and drove directly to the thrift shop on Crissey Rd. with Wayne. When we got there I explained that I had brought Wayne there two weeks ago with a voucher for food and clothes but two pair of pants had been mismarked. After looking at the pants and seeing they were women’s she said they didn’t normally accept exchanges but she would check with the boss. Coming out she said they would allow an exchange but don’t tell anyone. No problem and this time I made sure he got the right sizes.
That done I took Wayne home and went home myself. Fred caught me at the door and we sat down to talk about Barb. I kind of had to explain the facts of life to him. I told him that Barb was exhibiting all the signs of drug use. Lying, manipulating, money disappearing, possessions coming up missing with the excuse “It was stolen”. Now her cell phone hasn’t been answered for three days and I suspect it is being held for a drug debt or was traded. Fred did not want to accept that possibility and is in denial but time will tell. I had suspected Barb had been a prostitute and when I asked Fred bluntly about it he confirmed it.
I was pretty worn out as you can see from my entry yesterday and laid down turning on the TV. When Cherie got home, one look told me she had a trying time with her family. She told me she didn’t feel up to cooking and of course said she was sorry as she does for everything. She actually asked if we could go out, which is rare for her to do. “Fine” I said “lets do Mexican” and we left right away to beat the crowds. (This was about 4:00) I took her to Don Pablo’s, which is a higher quality establishment we had tried to go to before but it was packed with a half hour wait so we went somewhere else.
This time there was no crowd and we were seated right away. Cherie was very perturbed by her interaction with her mom and her sister, Connie and I was also agitated by the thing with Barb so I told her to relax and we would talk over the meal. She was feeling guilty about not fixing dinner, which is what she does, but as she drank her Sangria and ate the appetizers she began to unwind and relax. “I’m so glad you did this, its just what I needed” Cherie told me as I began to see that smile I love. It was a good night and by this time my mind had sharpened up.
OK. That was yesterday so now I need to fill in today’s events. It has been a real bus day with me going non stop for seven hours. I have been very lucid the whole day, which hasn’t happened in a while. My energy level is up, at least till I came home and slowed down my activity. Then I just became tired physically but my mind is still doing well as evidenced by this writing.
Today started with me taking Fred shopping. We went to Kazmier’s first, where I helped him see as always and picked out a roast for him. Then we went to the dollar store so he could by a few items including a birthday card for our neighbor, Cathy. We should do something because we really haven’t been very open or whatever you call it. We had invited her over for dinner about six months ago and never followed through.
Fred had wanted to drop by Barb’s after we went shopping but when he tried to call her phone was not working again so he didn’t want to spend the gas to find out she wasn’t home or awake. He asked me to drop by after I took Wayne to the doctor and I agreed to do so.
After taking Fred home and carrying his groceries upstairs I went upstairs to the apartment. I washed dishes and got the venison chili I had planned to make going in the crock pot. It was a rush in order to get Wayne to his appointment on time but I was up to it and enjoyed this time of being able to do it. I called Wayne to insure he was ready and packed this laptop, rushing to get across town in time.
Wayne was ready and worried about me, telling me not to get a ticket and finding other things that might go wrong. I kept telling him to relax and assured him that while I was a little late I did not need to speed and would be fine. We got there right at 2:00 and I worked on writing this while he was being examined. Doc wanted to get some lab work so I took Wayne to Toledo Hospital. Wayne has had a persistent raspy throat and the antibiotics Doc had prescribed did not cure it thus the need for lab work. As I was taking Wayne home he told me that Doc was concerned about the possibility of cancer which is a real concern because of almost forty years of smoking. I know I got him to quit a month or two ago but the damage is done so he has to be careful. I got Wayne home and headed over to Barb’s.
Basil was out in the drive with his boss drinking a case of beer as he does. As I approached Barb’s door he called me over. “I didn’t talk to Fred, that wasn’t me” he postulated. I don’t play with words so I told him that I was listening, it sounded like him. The person had answered Barb’s phone, was drunk, and I told him details of the conversation. Basil goes “Come on, you know me. Do you think I would talk that way” I told Basil that I did not know him and it didn’t matter because it set Fred off. I explained Fred wanted me to check on Barb and also collect the ten dollars she owed him. Basil said she was lying on the bed so I went in and called her name. She answered from the bedroom but would not come out. I could hear irritation in her voice as she said she would call Fred and would get a check tomorrow. That was the end of the conversation so I left.
I talked to Fred when I got home and filled him in. Both he and I will call Barb’s case worker tomorrow to motivate her and Fred will try to get vital info on Basil so I can see if he has warrants. I learned that Basil had physically abused Barb before so have to wonder if that is the reason Barb did not wish to be seen. It is a difficult situation with no easy answers but I will try to do what is best for Barb though she may not see it that way.
By this time I was worn and warm from being in the hot car all day so I had one of the two beers that have been in the fridge for a few weeks. I’m really not a beer drinker but it went down well as I started writing again. Cherie came home and fixed a wonderful dinner and we talked, enjoying each others company as we do. Right now it is 8:43 and I am still lucid, which is cool but at times like this I always dread the inevitable slow down. I purposely avoided the television so I would not veg in front of it and could make use of what I call “Prime Time”. Now my back pain is getting so bad it is making this difficult so I will take a pain pill and lay down. I just can’t sit in a chair for too long. For that matter doing the dishes is painful also but hey, that’s the way it is so I press on. I think I will quit now. I have a busy morning tomorrow.
9/2/05 Friday
I am still lucid and cognizant. I was sharp all day yesterday and had improved late Wednesday despite all the stress and activity. Hope it stays that way. I think that all the activity helps my mind stay awake but sometimes it has just the opposite effect. Who knows, it is all a mystery to me.
I was late meeting Jeff for our Friday breakfast because I was trying to print out a Bible study I had started while still at Cedar Creek but never finished because of the pain of their rejection. It took a while because the printer had a mind of it’s own. The study was on the poor and downtrodden, a subject that is close to my heart since my experiences when homeless.
We talked of the debacle at New Orleans. How it is the poor who were and still are being hit the hardest. Perhaps those who had money lost more from the standpoint of the value of their property but it is the poor who are paying the highest price. They couldn’t afford to get out, indeed many did not even have a vehicle and some could not afford the gas to leave. Plus they had no place to go to prior to Katrina’s landfall. I expressed my disdain for Bush and his smirky political response, making a public fly over that is strictly a political show and does nothing but present an image of concern. The fact that he had already flown over the area seems to be lost on the public and he can see much more on TV than he will ever see from the air at 600 miles an hour.
I told Jeff that if we could invade Iraq and make it to Bagdad in a week why can’t we get troops in the city to supply food, medicine, protection, and more important set up a system of communication. The responsibility for this goes straight to the top because all the bureaucrats are afraid to make a decision without approval from higher up. This fear and lack of balls has paralyzed our government agencies for decades.
After that we talked of how we both are fighting the temptations of internet garbage and how to best do that. I told him about the situation with Barb, how frustrating and sad it is to watch this destruction of life and be unable to do much.
I touched on Cedar Creek and the home group, telling Jeff how Jeanie was asked to give up her spot to make room for someone else. Jeff said he was told the story differently, that Jeanie just couldn’t come any more, not that her personal or family problems had consumed her time so attending was hard. How is it that they are so blind, how is it they don’t understand? The very people Jesus had the most compassion for, those who have the most need are the ones they withdrawing from. Jeanie said she was never called and no one reached out till they called to say they needed her space. When one is looked at as a space to be occupied there is a problem. Of course that was us also.
After I picked up Cherie’s check and came home. Fred was ready to get his haircut so we left right away. I talked to his barber who’s daughter had been married to Basil and learned Basil had gone to jail for selling drugs and she had received four checks for child support. In eight years Basil never went to see his children. Fred dug up his social security number and I got that to Wayne who will relay it to his nephew the cop. Odds are he has warrants so we’ll see.
I will take Fred over to Barb’s at 1:00. Her phone is still not connected. I think she traded it for drugs and they reprogrammed it. Maybe not but we will see. I called Shannon from Fred’s phone and left a message.
Damn it, I am slowing down. Can feel it, headache coming and am feeling real hungry despite eating breakfast two hours ago.
It is 12:34 midnight as I write this. It has been a day with some sadness and frustration. I fixed a cup of Bob coffee that will jolt me and I am drinking this black to offset the sweetness and chocolate of the ice cream I dished up. I know it’s late but after seeing the mail that came for me I figure I will want to stay up a bit. Cherie was happy when I got home a few minutes ago because it is very hard for her to be alone now. She misses me and can’t sleep as well as worrying about me. I had been at Allen’s since around 3:00 and had just gotten home. Now she can go to bed and fall asleep, secure in the knowledge I am near and she has. I expect to hear her snoring any minute now but enough of that, let me fill in the rest of this day.
I had laid down earlier because of the slow down. (I prefer to use the term slow down instead of a partial seizure, just sounds less scary) It did not last long. It was an hour later that I had to take Fred to Barb’s and I had improved but still was not up to speed. Shannon returned my call as I drove to Barb’s and we talked. She said she was limited on what she could say because I wasn’t listed on a release of information form but she could say a few things. I told her about my suspicions of drug use, Basil’s using her, and other things so she explained that she couldn’t help Barb unless she asked for it.
When we pulled up Barb was just walking out to the same blue car I had seen there a day or two before. Barb had no choice but to talk to Fred and the black guy waiting in the car was nervous and told Barb to just go with us. Fred didn’t just lay into her but told her he cared for her and was worried. She told Fred she did not get the check she told me yesterday would come but, noticing the impatience of the guy in the blue car she asked if we could take her to the carry out to get cat food.
I drove her there and told Fred she was cashing her check as she bought the cat food because I could see her through the window. She came out and when I was blunt about seeing all the signs of drug use and then pointed out things like her “coke” jaw she wouldn’t talk. When we got her back the driver of the blue car was in Barb’s house and I saw Basil quickly closing the door. Barb was in a hurry to get out and I know why.
As I drove Fred back I advised him to no longer supply her with food and money because that just gave her more to get crack with. I had asked Barb where her phone was and she said a friend had it and would call him to get it back. I just looked at her and said she probably had to give the phone up for a debt. She knew exactly what I was talking about and said nothing. I had explained all this to Fred several times and I think he was just now beginning to recognize it.
After coming home I came upstairs and cleaned up the blood that had leaked from the venison I had defrosted yesterday and washed a few dishes before calling Allen. I had also gotten on the net to see where the cheapest gas was and it was on Woodville road so I let Fred know I would be going to the East side for gas and would visit friends while over there.
I filled up at $2.99, which was as good as it got today and who knows what tomorrow brings. Then I went to see Allen and watch the movies he had rented and needed to return. Later he tells me he rented them to watch with me so had not watched “Alexander” nor “Sahara” yet. I find this a little uncomfortable but recognize and relate to wanting a friend, feeling alone, and depression.
I took some of the venison chili I made with me and don’t know if he would like it or not but won’t worry over that anyway. The first order of business came when Allen asked if I knew anything about plumbing. I told him maybe just a little but not much and asked what was up. He took me to the upstairs apartment and showed me the shower valve, turning it on to illustrate the problem. The valve that directs water to the shower nozzle was not working well and most of the water came out of the bath spout with just a trickle making it to the shower head.
I told him the cheap fix would be to plug the spout, forcing all the water to the shower head. He recognized that as a good idea and then the trouble started. As he usually does he refused to consider any method of accomplishing this other than what was in his mind. I pointed out what would happen his way he poo pooed it and went on, confident in his plan. It blew out and sprayed all over the place as I said it would so he went and got his tools so I could take the valve apart.
I have never done this before, at least that I can remember, but I still retain much of my mechanical ability so had no problem figuring it out. We got the valve out and I pointed out the worn washer so we headed to the hardware store to get a replacement. At the store the clerk pointed out a second washer that had pretty much vanished and was the main culprit. We got all that done and I reinstalled the valve. Somewhere in all this I pointed out that I was correct and that it would be nice if he would accept my advise with out a big hassle, to trust my judgement. That set him off, which set me off. Allen can trigger my temper better than anyone else, with the exception of my brother so when we got to the F you level I told Allen I was out of there. He said something about me running so I tried to explain that for me to stay there with him gnawing on the subject till I blew up was what I was trying to avoid. I finally got him to agree to let it go and move on to another subject, which he kinda did.
We went down and started the first movie, which was Alexander. It started out good but soon degenerated into a philosophical kind of presentation of the depth and value of Alexander’s homosexuality and jumped back and forth in time to show the forces and events that created him. I found this confusing and got real bored as everyone gave there grand speeches. The gay thing I wasn’t comfortable with and Allen seemed surprised when it became obvious because they worked up to it slowly, dropping little hints that became clearer as the movie progressed.
I was glad when it was over and we put the second movie, Sahara, in. It was much better and well put together, building the foundation of the story well. There were plenty of twists and turns and, other than some action scenes that could have come out of Raiders of the Lost Arc, was logical and believable.
By the time that was over it was almost midnight so I took off. The phone rang just as I drove out and it was Fred. “Where are you?” he asked and I told him I had just left Allen’s and was heading home. He was not as panicky as he has been in the past, which shows his trust in me has grown. I will not violate that trust and am glad I have earned it,
Now to the mail that inspired me to stay up. Fifth Third Bank had dug up bank records that go from December of 2000 to August of 2001 and sent them to me. As I looked at them I see when the second mortgage was wired into my account and how much I got. It seems that I had also opened up a savings account for Jonathan that also had Yolanda on it. This was done in January of 2001 and helps me greatly in putting these pieces in this puzzle of my life together.
As I look through these pages I see a telling month to month map of how bad I was doing. Many bounced checks and lots of negative balances that often where in the five to eight hundred dollar range. One of the overdrafts was for $10,962. Wow! How did I keep this account? I didn’t. It was closed in August. There is so much evidence here of when, what, and where, that I am considering paying whatever fee there is to get copies of the original checks and possibly earlier records. This will be invaluable in helping me reconstruct my journey into madness. It appears I was already well on the way down that path at the earliest date they gave me, December 2000.
It is 2:26 in the morning. I am tired but awake. So much has been stirred up in my mind by this. I should try to sleep as I am to take Wayne to cash his check and shopping tomorrow.
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