Cloudy outside and inside

5/31/06 Wednesday
7:32 – I am pretty cloudy this morning. Running a 4 on the Bob scale. Cherie is going to work early because she has a doctors appointment and wants to make up the time. I am to take Fred to the barber shop this morning.

8:32 – I am not doing very well this morning. Some mornings I clear up early but not this one. We are waiting to hear from Larry or the lawyer on the estate. I think he read the blog yesterday and I am pretty sure my sister Robin did. I am working on the love story but had to E mail Cherie because I don’t remember how I asked her to marry me the first time. Was it the formal get on my knees thing or did it simply come out as we talked? I think I will go ahead and post this and then fix breakfast.
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11:48 – That was not fun. I just returned from taking Fred to the barber for his hair cut. He was in a decent mood as evidenced by his putting a little tune to the whistle he always has as he tries to breath with his emphysema.

After his haircut I took Fred to the post office where he mailed all of his payments out as he does on the first of every month. Then we went to Kroger where he bought some TV dinners. Fred was getting confused easily but that’s OK. I am used to that. I wasn’t as helpful as usual because I was still pretty slow. When we were done I took Fred home and carried his groceries in.

There was a flier with the mail and he saw the one for Arby’s. “Five for five” Fred said. This is a promotion Arby’s has been using for years and Fred always gets it wrong. “It’s four for five Fred” I corrected him. “You hungry?” he asked me. “Sure, I’ll eat one” I let him know. We planned on taking his car to the dealership to have them look at the brakes or whatever is making noise. “Fred, do you want to get the Arby’s before or after taking the car in?” I asked and then made a suggestion “It will take some time for them to look at the car so how about we get Arby’s before so we can eat while we wait”.

That worked for him so I went to Arby’s. Pulling up to the speaker I gave our order “We want the four for five deal. Make that with one ham and cheese and the rest beef. I want one of the beef ones without cheese”. Then I pulled up to the window. When the order came I asked “Do you have the ham and the one without cheese marked?”. She said yes so I took the bag.

Handing the bag to Fred I headed over to the dealership. Fred started going through the bag looking for his ham sandwich. “Fred, why don’t you let me do that. I can see what is what” I said. No that wasn’t going to do so I watched as he took the first sandwich out, unwrapped it, took it apart, and as he poked his finger into the meat said “This is beef”. “Fred, don’t do that” I exclaimed, trying to get him to quit. He proceeded to open every sandwich saying “I can’t find the ham”. I am still driving so can’t keep my eye on him. “Here it is” I heard him say as we pulled into the dealership. I parked and looking over watched Fred eating a beef sandwich. The one I had ordered with no cheese was the first one Fred had mauled.

Fred wanted to sit in the car and eat and said I should too. “No Fred. I’m going to the service desk to get this going” I told him. It was just before lunch so the service rep suggested I come back at one. That was fine so we headed out. “how did you like the beef sandwich?” I asked to let him know I was aware he had picked the wrong one. Fred planned on giving two of the sandwiches to his friend Tom at the gas station across the street. “Fred, go ahead and give them my sandwich too” I told him as I watched him sniffling and wiping his nose and mouth with his hand. “Don’t you want it?” Fred said. I told him no so he started getting bothered. Understand I am not doing well as it is so finally I told him “Fred, I wish you wouldn’t be so proud and would have let me pick your sandwich out. I can see what is what. I don’t want to eat something you had your fingers all over”. “I didn’t touch your sandwich” he protested then told me he can see. “No You Can’t” I said, ending the conversation. He offered to buy me another sandwich but I said I didn’t want one. I just wanted to get home.
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1:50 – Now I am at Ed Schmidt getting Fred’s car looked at. I dropped Wayne’s paperwork off at LMHA just before I got here. I managed to remember to put the medical records he wants returned into the knapsack I carry this laptop in. Don’t know how long I will be here waiting for them to figure the car out. If it’s not too long and I remember I will go see Wayne after this. I half expect Fred to call saying “Where are you” when he notices his car is gone.

4:39 – Just got back from the dealership. That was a long wait. They found that the two back tires were what the mechanic called “Cut”. He showed it to me and basically they have like bumps or ridges on them where they didn’t wear evenly. After talking with the used car manager the two tires will be replaced for free with new ones. That is good. This dealership has been great after I went and raised hell for Fred a couple of times. I am impressed and would now recommend them.

As I sat in the customer lounge I reviewed the E mails Cherie and I exchanged when we were first getting back in touch. Am doing this because these E mails convey the emotions of this period of time better than anything I can write. As I read them it brought back the feelings and memories of this precious and amazing time. I am and will remain amazed at how life has turned for us.

Now that I am home I checked my E mail. There was one from Connie, Cherie’s youngest sister. She had wanted to post it on the blog but had difficulties. There have been others who had a problem here so I need to check on this. At least they send me E mails.

Connie’s E mail was long and detailed. You don’t know how glad I was to see it. It is communication and communication is the most valuable thing one can have. I don’t have a problem at all with someone not agreeing with me or telling me I am wrong. In fact I like to hear this. Why would I want to hear from someone who doesn’t agree with me? First of all because I can be and often am wrong. If I am wrong I really appreciate someone telling me. I don’t like to be wrong and don’t know of anyone who does so when you correct me you are helping me understand what I am doing. Thanks.

When people don’t talk they sit in their separate camps and imagine what the other side is thinking or up to or they sit around working themselves up about something. This goes beyond the agendas of individuals and applies to nations as well. With communication comes understanding, and with understanding can come peace. Doesn’t always work, look at North Korea, but it is worth a try.

Connie referred to my Monday entry where I talked about bitterness and my father in law. In that paragraph I said it would be nice if I could just go over there and talk. I still feel this way and always will. I never desired to cause a big rift but it is there. I can blame my brain damage for some of this but not much really. I do say what I think without considering the consequences. This problem actually got me put in jail when I told the director of the Volunteers of America he was running a dope house and should be exposed. It was true. He wasn’t running a dope house but his staff was stealing medications from the inmates who were in the transitional program to get them back in society. They (the inmates) were cooking crack in the dorms and some were in cahoots with a few staff members to sell the drugs. When I announced I would call channel 24 about it I was handcuffed the next day and placed in jail without charges ever being filed. My point is brain damage doesn’t make you real smart. It doesn’t make you stupid, just not too wise where you don’t think things through.

So talking is good. Period. I won’t agree with everything someone says and I am sure they won’t agree with me but at least we understand each other. Thanks Connie for writing. That is the first real communication I have had from the family. It helped me understand and think about some things. Would love to hear more. That goes for the rest of you guys also. Hell, if my brother would bother to talk we could have been done with the estate months ago.

I got to cook dinner so need to go now.

It will be hot again

5/30/06 Tuesday
7:16 – We are up and moving. It was a sweaty night as the air conditioning doesn’t get back to the bedroom well and the residual heat from the flat roof above us keeps things warm. I have a doctors appointment this morning so will get out of the house before Cherie. Later I will take Wayne to the Zeph Center. Last night Cherie and I watched a PBS special called “Out of the Shadows”. It is about a woman who is a paranoid schizophrenic. Her daughter was the one who produced the documentary. It is a telling look into the issues faced by those with mental illness. The documentary followed the daughter’s attempts to get help for her mom in a world that provides little help for the mentally ill. Mental illness is often unrecognized and untreated. The program gave me some insight into Dixie’s condition. It will allow me to help her somewhat but I am pretty much doing all I can with my limited resources.

Here we are, scrimping to pay the bills, so there is little left to help others. I put $150 of gas into Fred’s car every month and we take whatever extra food we have to Wayne and the others. There are occasions where I will buy something for Wayne that he needs but most of the things we do for others don’t really cost much, mostly time. Time is a most valuable thing and the gift few give. It is easy to donate money out of one’s excess but to spend time with someone is much harder and a true sacrifice.

Cherie ran into someone we had known at Cedar Creek church. They are another victim of this organization. It would seem that rumors and gossip motivated the church leadership to kick them out of the children’s ministry they were involved in. Their pain and hurt was extreme and as a result they no longer attend any church. I am sure there is more to this but at the end of all this it comes down to more pain and disillusion. The Bible says “You shall know them by their fruit”. You know the results of what they do. You may not be a follower of the Christian faith but many of the sayings in the Bible are basic truths that hold up as principles of life. Things like “you reap what you sow” are true in any culture.

The lady Cherie met said that Cedar Creek is all about the money now and they are mining their congregation for all it’s worth. That is to be expected when your model and goal is to be a “Mega” church. Cedar Creek is an offspring of the Willow Creek church and is structured to imitate their proven formula. When your main thrust is to get big, helping others in need takes a back seat. Not exactly what Jesus had in mind, at least I don’t think so.

Enough of that folks. Time to get moving and get things done. I am not doing bad this morning, running a 7 on the Bob scale. I did notice, as I looked through my blog statistics that someone ran a search on the name Nate in my blog. There were twenty six entries and they go back to September when I started this blog. I went through them again and see that it is usually a consistent pattern of issues. I still solicit comments from Y’all regarding the last entries to see if you can detect anything really bad in what I wrote.

Got to go. I think I will wear my "Geek" clothes today. It is the only pair of shorts I own and the silk Pierre Cardin shirt is great when it is 90 plus degrees out.

Yeah I know. I'm getting fat.

9:39 – Well the doctor confirmed that I am still alive. That was a relief. They did their yearly blood work and determined not much has changed. I still live with pain and still don’t take much for it. There is no way I want to risk a return to the addiction to pain killers that was a major contributor to my demise six years ago. This is reinforced by what I see Allen going through.

Fred caught me on the way out and asked if I could take him to the barber tomorrow. That is no problem as there is nothing scheduled. He looked a little rough. This heat is hard on him but at least the humidity helps him breath. This surprised me when I learned it a few weeks ago.

Right now I have the ringing in my ears that is sometimes a precursor of migraines or a slow down. Who knows, I sure don’t. Cherie wanted me to mail a shirt to Connie (her youngest sister) so I did that after the doctor visit. Now I need to run a check to the storage unit so I’ll do that now. It is already getting hot so I will need to turn on the air. Hate to do it because of the electric bill. I also need to mail this camera back to get it repaired right. It came back not quite right because it won’t focus for close up shots. Hate to do it because I love being able to take pictures and record things like dressing like a geek. Hey, these momentous events in our lives should be recorded. Who knows, a hundred years from now they might be sought after collectors items. It could happen, quit laughing. Come on, being delusional can be fun.
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11:30 - Just talked to Patrick, my lawyer in Texas, about the estate. He said that we were pretty much in a position of power on the issue of Larry paying what he had promised regarding our mother’s estate. There was no question about that and if Larry chooses to not do this I can simply request and receive my half of the CD and then the farm would be assigned to both my brother and I. We would jointly own it. So instead of Larry getting $37,000 , as payment for his half of the farm out of the CD, minus the $3,000, we split the CD and then are both on the deed for the farm. Plus I can call the bank and get my half of the CD today or anytime I wish and they are required to send it. Of course if Larry refuses I can file a civil suit at which time it will come out that he forged our mother’s signature on the titles for both of the trucks. That folks is a felony under state law. So we will see. Stay tuned for more of the estate wars.
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Just called and left a message with Linda at Gerdinich. Hope it can work out. Come to find out Denise is paying rent at her parents house. Denise and I talked for a short while. She was out front smoking a cigarette when I drove up. It is pretty warm out and heat is hard on MS so we didn’t talk long. She was ecstatic that I remembered to print the picture for her and gave me a big hug. Sue, another woman with MS who helps Denise, has a vision problem that has recently gotten to the point she can no longer drive. I think this is related to her MS. I asked how she is doing and Denise said she is doing fine. I am in awe at how these people hang in there despite this disease. That is a mark of the strength of the human spirit.

Barb called while I was talking with Denise. She said “Freddy told me you were going to be in the area so said you could lend me five dollars and he would pay you back”. Unfortunately I won’t be in the area because Wayne called the medical cab to get to his appointment. I had asked him to do that but of course forgot so was planning to take him. Fortunately I am in the habit of calling Wayne before I go out. Barb wasn’t happy about it and said she will call Fred. I suppose I will hear about it later. Besides that I am not real keen on giving Barb money. I would rather purchase what she needs because I suspect the cash goes somewhere it shouldn’t, like drugs or beer for Basil.

Cherie was leaving right when I pulled into the drive. We rolled down our windows and talked for a few then she had to get on to work. It is always nice to see her. Denise and I discussed the miracle of Cherie and I getting back together. I told her it was like a fairy tale only I get to live it in person. Anyway it is 2:00 now. I ate some yogurt and a peach so that is an attempt at being healthy. Right now I am running down. Don’t want to quit so I will work on the love story some. It is almost done and has been for a while now.

Memorial day

5/28/06 Sunday
Busy day? Don’t remember at the moment but I know it has been hot. Suppose I will have to write tomorrow.
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In reply to the question, 'What is the best that people can possess, what brings them truest happiness, what is the sweetest of the sweet, and what is the pleasantest life to live?' the Buddha answered:
'Trust is the best that people can possess; following the way brings happiness; truth is the sweetest of the sweet; and the practice of insight is the pleasantest way to live.'

-Sutta Nipata From "The Pocket Buddha Reader," edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston, www.shambhala.com.

5/29/06 Memorial day (Monday)
Good morning world. I will have a good day and accomplish as much as I am able. The brain is running at an 8 on the Bob scale. This will be a warm day, 93 degrees and high humidity, kind of like being in a swamp. There has been much on my mind and I have been debating what and how to write about it. At the moment I am examining the results of my search for “What is a man”. This will help me gather my thoughts for an essay with that title. Cherie has gone shopping for summer clothes at Saver’s, a thrift shop that is right down the road. They are having a sale and Cherie does sales well. This is her forte. I can carve and Cherie can shop. We all have our area of strength. Think I will hit the shower and turn on the air conditioner. I know it is only 9:20 in the morning but it is already getting muggy and hot. Being on the top floor of this apartment building, just under a flat roof makes it pretty warm. Great in the winter but hard at this time of the year.

I tried on the clothes that Cherie bought for me. They are great and fit well. It is nice to be able to look good for Cherie and fit the image she likes. I am a chameleon in that regard and can fit into any category. I have no problem with that. I have been a biker and a business owner. I am as comfortable in a suit and tie as I am in jeans and a ripped up Harley shirt with a bandana on. What some would call a “Geek” look doesn’t bother me and neither does looking like I lived on the street. Of course the fact that I have lived in both of those worlds has something to do with it but mostly this comes from not being ashamed of who I am or what I do. When you live such a life that you are comfortable letting the world see, it allows you to be confident in yourself and to not worry what anyone else thinks.

I just got back from taking Fred to Walmart where he bought a fan for Barb. Cherie’s sister Cathy was there looking for a fan also but evidently didn’t want to talk or even say hi. She stayed out of view till Fred and I wandered on. No surprise there. I never saw her, Cherie told me about it when I got home. Shopping with Fred is always an experience. As I described each fan to Fred in a voice loud enough for him to hear the clerk an isle over could hear me. As Fred questioned me about if there was a fan like the one he had bought for Barb before I heard a voice coming from the other isle “We’re sold out of box fans”. I helped Fred decide on a fan so we could move on.

That done Fred wanted to look at laundry detergent, sort of. First it was “I want to get some Oxy Clean” then it was “Do you think I should get some laundry soap for Barb?”. As this conversation proceeded I heard a woman’s voice floating over from other side of the displays saying “Oxy Clean is over here”. I am sure others always get a kick out of the show when I take Fred shopping. We got everything and I think Fred knew I was tired so we headed for the registers. I picked a short line and guided Fred into it. As soon as we were there he wanted to get in another line. I am not real patient today and told Fred “You pick what line you want in Fred and I’ll just follow”. He cannot even see how many people are in a line, for that matter he can’t tell if a parking space is clear or not. He figured it out and just stayed in the line I picked.

From there we went to Barb’s to deliver the fan and soap. Dixie is back from the hospital now. They kept her two weeks this time. When they came to get take her away it required two cops and handcuffs. The police had to carry her to the ambulance. For those of you who don’t know Dixie is the schizophrenic woman who lives in Barb’s complex. Barb asked if I would take Dixie to cash her check. That I will do. I assembled the fan for Barb and had her go get Dixie saying “If she’s not ready I’m out of here, so go get her moving”. She did so I got her loaded in the car and took her to the carryout she cashes her check at. Then Barb hints that Dixie needed to get some food so I took them to the grocery store. “Just go in and get what you need. It’s 90 degrees out and we don’t want to sit in this hot car any longer than we have to so make it quick. Barb you go with her to keep her moving”. Dixie is known to take an age or two to shop so I figured that would help. After a while I went in the store to make sure they were motivating. Dixie was moving along pretty well but got frustrated when I explained we needed to move.

With that done I took them home. Driving up I saw Basil walking between the buildings. Barb has been hiding Basil ever since he got out of jail and I went off for her letting him back in and lying to me about it. “Tell Basil I said hi” I told Barb. “Basil?” Barb feigned ignorance. “Yeah Barb, I just saw him” I said and she came up with a “He must just be visiting someone” to explain this away. I don’t really care so leave it alone.

Finished with all that I went and got gas. Fred bought me a Rally burger and we came home. Now I am tired. It is frustrating for me to fatigue so quickly but that is how it is and always will be. As I get older it will get worse but we will prepare for that as we build the farm.

Cherie just came home and I could tell instantly that she had been to her parents house by the drawn look on her face. It always makes her sad and frustrated to go over there because of what she sees. There is not much we can do and trying is not even allowed.

That brings me to what has been on my mind for a couple of days now. Folks, look at my last entry, the one for Saturday. Can anyone see anything offensive in there? Please write your opinion in the comment section or send me an E mail. Evidently there was a big uproar at the in-law’s house about it. I reread it and Cherie went through it a few times to see what the deal was. Cherie went over there Saturday and they were up in arms. The Beverly Hillbilly reference from Thursday was a part of that.

When you look for evil you will find it where it doesn’t exist. There is nothing I can say that won’t be construed as offensive but that’s OK. I live with as much integrity as I can muster. What I do with my life is to help others as much as I can. There is nothing I am ashamed of in how I live my life today. There is much in my past I am ashamed of but I have put all of that on open display. This is my way of dealing with that for as the light of scrutiny shines on these things they shrivel up and turn to dust. None of us has lived a perfect life but all of us can face our past and move on to a better future. My past is what gives me wisdom and gives me the ability to see clearly where other’s paths will take them. Been there, done that.

It's not what you see that can harm you. It is what you don't see. One must open their eyes to the world around them to truly know the path to take.

As Cherie and I discussed things I told her “Cherie, if you see some one drowning you have to throw them a life preserver. If you don’t you will carry that the rest of your life. If they refuse to grab the life preserver that is their choice and is on them but you are free, for you tried”. There is a verse in the Bible that spells things out simply. “If a man knows what is right to do and does not do it, to him it is a sin”. If you know what is right and don’t do it that reflects on your integrity. Many live a lie, doing what they know isn’t good but denying and justifying their actions, thus choosing not to see themselves as they truly are. Kinda like an anorexic looking in a mirror and seeing fat instead of the skin and bones that is really there.

Cherie’s dad asks every day “What did he write this time” looking for something else to feed his bitterness. The more you feed a monster the bigger and stronger it gets, until it devours you. It would appear that there is a feeding frenzy over there with Nate and daddy in law. It is sad but they seem to want it this way. I would love to go over and just talk but they aren’t open to that. They don’t seem to be able to see that I am not an evil person as should be evidenced by the way I live my life. I guess it is not that they are unable to see, it is that they choose not to.

Oh well, enough of this. I need to get back to studying for my essay on “What is a man”.

It's a weekend

5/27/06 Saturday
This morning I am a little cloudy and tired. Feel like I worked all night. I did have lots of dreams. Don’t remember them but feel they were disturbing. Woke up at five this morning. It is a beautiful cloudless day this morning and the weather report says it will be this way the whole memorial day weekend. We will reach 90 degrees tomorrow. That on top of several days of rain means it will be muggy. 90 degrees in the Texas dryness isn’t bad but 90 when you have 90% humidity is a different story. We will probably use the air conditioner for the first time.

Not sure how the day will go. Allen wanted me to come over Thursday but I put that off so he expects me to come over today. Not really looking forward to that but he could use the moral support. Helping others is seldom convenient. I hope I clear up some. If not I will probably stay home.

Cherie asked what I wanted to do today. I need to get on researching the grants and government incentives that will be available to us in Texas. She said she wants to continue packing for our move there. I am only running a 6 on the Bob scale this morning. Got moving OK, showered and fixed breakfast. I seem to be going downhill as I write this with a possible migraine on the way so will take some aspirin to hopefully head this off.
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10:00 – That worked. I am much clearer and running at an 8 on the Bob scale. Nothing like waking up and having to take a nap to start your day. I suppose I would call that a petite seizure. This unpredictable instability is frustrating but part of the package. Cherie and I had our morning time of laughter and love as we pretty much do every morning. She knows when I am not doing well and let me curl up on the bed undisturbed. It is amazing how quick I can swing from doing good to bad and back to good though this morning I woke up cloudy.

I looked at Nate’s blog this morning and reread about how he had to close up the company he had started. Kind of made me sad that we never really connected because I had offered to help him out. He did do the paperwork and made things legal like I had suggested though I would bet he will deny I had any influence at all. It is a shame because I have nearly twenty years experience starting, building, and running companies. He was doing things correctly but… Nuff said there. It is unfortunate that he interprets things as personal attacks or something like that. All I want to do is help him be a better person and change the mindsets that generate problems, not only for himself but for those around him. It’s not that I don’t like him I just don’t like some of the things he does. How dare I want to help him! How dare I point out any flaw! He initially started his blog as a response to what I said in mine, at least I think so but can’t really remember. Anyway he refers to me as his “asshole uncle” and on the title page of the blog lists as one of the reasons he started it was to comment on those who think their shit doesn’t stink.

I recognized clearly that I have lots of problems, some from the brain damage but not all of them. Social skills are one of the major problem areas listed for traumatic brain injury victims. You can find lots of information on this at the Brain Injury Association’s website. Despite that I know my motives for doing things are correct. Ever since I woke up from the coma I just want to help others. I may not be too good at it but I try. I really enjoy the television show “My Name Is Earl” because I am amazed at the parallels to my life. Not only is his past life similar to the one I lived but his drive to correct the wrongs he committed is one I can relate to. I have already contacted as many as I could remember to make things right. There was some success in that. The Karma thing featured in the show is a truth in life. What you do will come back to you. Live by the sword and die by the sword. You reap what you sow. Enough of being introspective. Hope this doesn’t cause a big stir at the in-law’s house but who knows. I have decided not to walk on eggshells anymore. I had signs posted at my businesses before the wreck that spelled out one of my core beliefs. They said “It only takes two things to earn my respect. Say what you mean and do what you say”. That creed hasn’t changed.

I am sure y’all can tell I am doing well brain wise because I am rambling on. Don’t have a clue if I make any sense or not but I’m not real concerned. Time to research stuff for the farm. Cherie’s sister, Cathy, gave me some websites regarding agriculture that will take me a while to wade through. I have a notebook here because if I don’t make notes everything I read will disappear from my mind. I can learn, just have to work extra hard at it. Time to go to work.

Rainy morning

This print you should click on to enlarge. There is more than just the fox in the middle.

5/26/06 Friday
8:39 – Just got back from my breakfast with Jeff. He is one of two people from Cedar Creek church (The church that asked us to go somewhere else) who is still in touch with me and has in fact become a friend. I told him about what we would like to do with the farm, how we will make it self sufficient so we could retire with few worries. Then Jeff told me how things were going with his business. Running a business always comes with problems. I tried to share with him some of the things I had used to teach other companies as a consultant but much of what I used to know was not there. I remembered the names of some of the sales techniques but not the techniques themselves.

It is frustrating to have my memories so fragmented. That’s just the way it is. Part of me wants to start up another business but I understand that I can no longer handle the stresses that come with that. I do believe that I can do the woodworking I once did and could handle a small business there. With that I would only take on one job at a time, only accepting work that does not have time constraints or pressure. Who knows what I can do but I will stretch out to learn my limits. Pushing limits has always been a part of my personality.

Fred needed to go to his eye doctor because he broke his magnifying reader while changing his batteries. I drove him there and we went in. He didn’t have an appointment and the doctor he sees wasn’t in so the receptionist asked him to wait. I asked Fred to let me look at his magnifier because I know he can’t see his hand in front of his face. There was a strong possibility it was something easily remedied. He handed it to me and began explaining what was broke. I couldn’t find anything broke but saw that as he tried to unscrew the part where his batteries go he actually opened the wrong area. Trying to explain this to Fred proved to be not possible because he stubbornly stuck to “It’s broke” no matter what I said. “Fine” I thought and settled back, waiting for the receptionist to call Fred up.

The office was busy with lots of folks coming in. “This is what I hate” Fred said, “Waiting and waiting, I don’t like to wait”. “Fred, you didn’t have an appointment and they are busy. That’s just the way it is” I tried to explain. This settled him down for a little. It was a long wait so when Fred complained again I told him “Go up there and let them know Fred”. Eventually he did. “I’ve got to get home and get on my oxygen” he told the lady. She said the doctor wouldn’t be in till 10:00 but she would see if someone else could help.

She took the reader to have it looked at. Coming back a few minutes later she said they might have to order the part. “No!” Fred retorted. “I need that tonight. I’ve got to read and I can’t without this”. I watched the girls face as she resignedly took the magnifier back to the rear of the office. It wasn’t too long before she came back saying “Your in luck. We found your part in the back room”. I suspect they took apart another magnifier to do this. Regardless Fred has his magnifier back. I suggested he put tape around the portion that he had inadvertently opened before to prevent that from happening again, especially when I learned this had happened before.

Denise just called me. Her computer is still not working right so I will go over and look at it again now. Tell you how that goes when I get back.
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2:40 - Denise’s computer is smarter than I am. That’s sad because it is an ancient computer (by computer standards). Still has a 28 Kb modem. Anyway I couldn’t figure it out. Of course a six year old knows more about computers than I do. I did get it where she could get to her E mail and showed her how to send messages. For some reason hitting “Reply” on an E mail doesn’t work but she can use the compose mode. I am thinking about putting out a message to those I know locally to solicit donations of old computers. Wayne could use one as well as Sharon. These can be powerful tools for them, allowing them to access information on the net but more importantly to communicate with others. Wayne and Sharon both do not have transportation and Denise can’t drive. Sharon and Denise have family that help them get around. Wayne has his nephew and a friend that could help. The nephew is an undercover cop and really isn’t able to give much time. The friend may be moving out of state so that’s not good. The real area of communication that will help them is with others who have similar problems. It is good to belong to a community of peers.

I went to the blog on Denise's computer to show it to her. She loves the Beverly Doolittle pictures and asked me to print one of them. She also asked me to print the plaque I carved while I was recovering in St Louis. She had asked for that before but of course I forgot. She saw her pictures on the blog where I had written of her.

Hey Denise, Here's a Doolittle print I am putting on just for you. Thought you would like it. When you look ahead, look for the positive things that can be. Sometimes you have to search for them or make them happen.

I am tired now. Denise and I talked for a while. I took her to the store so she could get some smokes and the chocolate she was craving. Her mom came home while I was visiting and reminded me to get a schedule for LMHA for her. That I was supposed to do last week but true to form forgot it. This time I E mailed myself from Denise’s to remind me. Kind of like when I call the house and leave a message on the machine as a reminder. There are ways to overcome this memory problem, I just have to remember to do them.

Denise wanted to do something for me as a thank you for the help. We got into a discussion about Karma when I explained that just helping others was a reward in itself. “I’m selfish when I do things for you” I said. “You see I feel good when I help folks so I am doing this for me”. It didn’t work but that’s OK. She asked if she could give me the change from the store and I let her do that. I don’t care about 70 cents but it made her feel good so I took it with gratitude.

I think I should take a nap now.

We are off, another day in the saga of Bob and Cherie

5/25/06 Thursday
We are off. As I watched the news I heard Cherie’s voice coming from the living room, “That *&%#, I can’t believe this”. That got my attention. She had just read the comment Nate had put on my last entry. It wasn’t a surprise to me at all. Pretty much the way he reacts to any kind of criticism. Now I am debating what or if I should say anything. Nate doesn’t get it at all. First of all the visual of someone doing laundry in the front yard is just plain old funny, the kind of scene you would expect to see on the “Beverly Hillbillys”. But beyond that I really just want him to open his eyes and see himself. Not to put him down but to get him to be a better person and show just a little respect for his grandparents, in who’s house he lives rent free, and for his neighbors. The internal debate continues. I’ll let you know.

This morning I will take Wayne’s paperwork down to LMHA and NPI properties to keep the process of getting him out of drug city moving. I am doing much better than last night. These partial seizures are always a pain in the ass but that is just the way it is. I don’t get all bothered about things I can’t change. That is just a waste of time and energy. If the price of still being alive is these slowdowns and constant pain I have no problem paying it.
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12:51 – Now everything is a struggle. I just made copies of all of Wayne’s medical records to send to his lawyer. I couldn’t find her address but fortunately put it in my Yahoo address’s. The headache is there and it is hard to keep my thoughts clear and stay on task. Now I will take this to the post office and then run the records over to Wayne after I drop the forms off at LMHA and NPI.

3:34 – Just got back. Getting angry clears my head a little at times like this but it doesn’t last long. Still rough, running a 5 on the Bob scale. I got Wayne’s records mailed to the lawyer. Made 65 copies so it was a package. Didn’t write a letter with it as I had intended. With the copies made I went to LMHA where I learned I needed to take the form to NPI and have them fill it out, then return it. That’s OK so I headed to NPI. I forgot where I was going a few times but finally made it.

Going in the office I handed the form to the receptionist, telling her it needed to be filled out, and sat down to wait. A half hour later the girl comes back with the form and informs me that Wayne must be personally present for this. “I’m on his paperwork as his advocate” I protested. She didn’t care and when I protested further she pretty much sat down and pretended I wasn’t there. That doesn’t work well with me so I went out the door saying something about bureaucratic assholes. Calling Wayne I said “Get ready, I’m going to be there in three minutes” and explained what happened.

Like I said, getting angry clears my head. I made it to Wayne’s in record time. Pulling up I honked the horn. Wayne wanted to sit there and talk at the door but I said “Get in. We’ve got to go”. I drove straight back to NPI and they didn’t seem to be happy to see me but I really don’t care if they are happy or not. They’ve been a pain in the ass and I am glad to get Wayne out of there. Anyway we got the form filled out.

Getting out to the car I realized I had forgotten Wayne’s medical records despite putting the folder out where I could see it. Not unusual for me. I decided to take Wayne with me when I delivered the form to LMHA because it was most of the way to my place. That way I could run by the house and pick it up. After LMHA Wayne offered to buy me a sandwich at Subway. That works so we spied one on the way and pulled in. Picking up the sandwiches we went to my place. I ran in, grabbed something to drink, finished the chips that came with the sandwich and went back out to the car.

Wayne and I talked about things on the way back to his place. He could tell I was tired and not on top of my game. Pulling up to his door I popped the trunk and reached back to get his medical records off the back seat. Damn! I forgot it again. This drives me nuts and I suppose always will. You know it is really inconvenient to have brain damage. Just F’s everything up. Oh well. It took me three weeks to get his stuff copied and mailed. Maybe longer than that. Can’t really remember. I could look back in this journal to find out, after all that is one of the reasons I keep it. Nah, I don’t think so. Don’t like reminders of how bad I am. I got it done so that’s good enough.

I drove back home. Slowed down a little but was still a bit aggressive though not as bad as earlier. Now I am home and can unwind. I called Allen to make sure he got his paperwork in to welfare. He said he would get to it today. It’s 4:30 so the day is pretty much done. I need to push him because not only will he not get approved for medical without it but he may have to start the process over from the beginning. Nothing like being a babysitter for adults. I will be glad to get to Texas but knowing me I will adopt some other’s who need help.

I think I will just post this and lay back for a bit.
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Allen had told me he bought a couple of steaks and wanted me to come over and cook them. I at first said I would but called him back and said we could do it some other time. Not really ready to deal with him and at this point my tolerance for crap is low so we can do it at some later time. Interestingly he did not know what day it is. Not good but I often have to look at the calendar to check what day it is myself. I have a good excuse, hell there were times when I first woke from the coma I didn’t know what year it was. Allen is a different case though he has incurred several brain injuries from what I can gather. For him it is a matter of isolation and the large amount of pain killers he imbibes coupled with depression.

7:44 – Still a little rough. Right now there is a tornado watch issued for this area. It got up to 75 today. Tomorrow it will hit 80, which is the warmest it has been this year. I don’t mind too much though one of the results of the brain injury is the ability of my body to adjust to temperatures. Cold is no problem, in fact I do well with it. Cherie would always get upset and make me wear a coat because I could wear a T shirt when it is freezing and not be bothered. Heat is a little harder for me. Strange but that’s the way it is. Heat is also bad for Wayne because of his MS. Last year a woman with MS died when she was left outside in the sun at the nursing home where she lived. One of the good things about the apartment we will move him to is there is an air conditioner. That will save me a fight with NPI. I had already gathered statements from his doctors testifying

We are calling it a night so I checked my E mail. My son Bruce will be coming home from Iraq soon. There is no specific date yet but it is good news none the less. I look forward to seeing him soon. Perhaps he will be back in time for my 50th birthday June 8. That would be sweet. So I close with good news. Night all.

High Tide

5/24/06 Wednesday
IT IS PRIME TIME. In the ebb and flow of my brains functionality I am at high tide. This is one of those mornings where I wake up with the brain operating at an 8 or 9 and I am full of energy. Doesn’t happen as much as I would like and I never know how long it will last but I am always grateful for these moments. I have showered, washed dishes, changed the sheets on the bed, and just got done talking to Lou from Gerdinich Realty regarding Wayne and his section 8 paperwork to get him moved. He is approved on Gerdinich’ side of things, just has to get some paperwork completed. That will require my help and I will need to take him to LMHA to get some forms.

I am scheduled to take Fred to the grocery store at 11:00 so after that I will run over to Wayne’s. In the mean time I will get as much stuff done as I can while I am sharp. It has happened that I stay sharp as this all day long but that is somewhat rare. I haven’t gotten much done the last few days and top of the list is to get Wayne’s medical records to the lawyer in Kentucky. As you regular readers know I was going to do that a month or two ago and then last week. That is the way it goes with me and is another example of the problems that come with a traumatic brain injury.

Speaking of regular readers I must say high to whoever is in San Ramon, California. You are one of the most faithful readers of this blog, visiting me every day and sometimes more than once in a day. Drop me an E mail at bobcarver2@yahoo.com so we can meet. I always wonder that others take such an interest in our lives. That reminds me I need to work on the love story. It is almost finished but I am at the good part. That is where Cherie and I get back together and it is hard to keep this under a few pages.

Got to go now. Will dig into getting Wayne’s records together and sent out now before I either forget or possibly slow down.
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12:22 – Just got back from taking Fred shopping. It wasn’t too bad because Fred was doing well and only got a little confused. He was picky as usual, being outraged that he couldn’t get a loaf of rye bread for a dollar like he could white bread. I helped him make up his mind on a few things. I got dizzy like I often do in a grocery store where there is so much to process but it wasn’t bad.

They are putting another layer of asphalt on the parking lot so we should be able to use it soon. Right now I am heading over to Wayne’s to help him do his paperwork in order to move. Cherie and I must figure out how we will get everything moved. I would have asked Nate because he has a trailer but don’t think I will cause I know I can’t keep my mouth closed. There is so much I haven’t put in this blog regarding that situation. It has been hard not to write about it. I can’t resist saying this. Cherie went over there a few days ago and there was a washing machine in the front lawn with a water hose hooked to it. Nate was out there doing his laundry. Of course the yard looks like a garbage dump so I am sure the law will come out again. It is sad.

Time to run again.
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4:40 – Not doing good now. Going down hill fast. Was sharp most of the day but am now running a 4 or 5 on the Bob scale. It will be hard for me to remember what I have done since my last entry but I can recall some of it by trying real hard. I know I went to Wayne’s. Fred wanted me to drop some stuff off at Barb’s. I had gotten in the car to go and he came out, waving me down before I got away. He gave me a dollar and asked me to get some toilet paper for Barb at the Dollar Tree.

Just as I paid for it at the check out the cell phone rang. It was Fred. “Are you still at the Dollar Tree?” he asked. I said I was so he asked me to get some ranch dressing for Barb. No problem. I got it and headed out. Barb was at the perverts apartment when I drove up. I gave her the stuff and went to Wayne’s.

There I picked up the paperwork that needed to go to the realty company. I called the agent to make sure he was in and drove to his office. There I gave him what he needed and got the forms from him Wayne needs to fill out. With that I came home and picked up the bread and the pants that Cherie hemmed for Wayne. I have been forgetting to take these items to Wayne for over a week now so made a special trip to make sure it got done.

Arriving at Wayne’s I helped him fill out the forms which I will take to LMHA and NPI tomorrow. Part of it is a 30 day notice that he will be moving. I notice I am getting short tempered and not very tolerant so apologized to Wayne for it. Wayne said he was used to this and understood that it is a part of the brain injury. He has been seeing these swings for the three years we have known each other. Wayne said that I am much easier going than when he first met me. At that time I would fly off in a heartbeat. It is good to hear that settled down some.

There are probably other things I should write but they aren’t there at the moment. I know one! I took one of the new headache pills before I went back to Wayne’s. This is the third time I have used this medicine. The first time it seemed to trigger a slow down. I don’t recall how it effected me the second time but I know I am slowing down now, about an hour and a half since I took it. Need to watch this. I am going to lay down. Poured dishwater twice now and never washed the dishes. Hate when I get like this. Headache is coming back now. Not fun.

7:32 – I am down to a 3 on the Bob scale now. Maybe even a 2. Almost to the point where I stutter. Haven’t been this bad in a while. You can hear it in my voice. My equilibrium is way off and the ability to control my right leg is compromised. Think I will call it a night. This sucks. At least I got stuff done before this.

Good things happening

5/23/06 Tuesday
Good morning world. This morning I will take Wayne to look at an apartment on Bancroft. This came about when I struck up a conversation with Linda, Gerdinich Realty’s property manager, last Friday when she was here to get the repaving project going. In that conversation I learned that they do accept section 8 housing on a limited basis. We will meet at 10:00.

Yesterday Fred called to tell me he had just scheduled to pick up a meat package from Kazmier’s at 11:00 today. When I told him that wouldn’t work because of the 10:00 appointment for Wayne he got pissy telling me “Oh, I see. I guess I rate at the bottom of the list”. That didn’t work well with me and I explained that the appointment with Wayne was scheduled last week. “Fred, you have to call me before you set something up” I said. This is nothing new so I went through it again to help Fred understand. I will call Wayne now to make sure he is up.

That went well. It looks like I will be getting Wayne out of cracktown soon. The apartment we looked at is smaller than the one he is in now but nicer in several ways. There is a courtyard area with plants, trees, and a small swimming pool. The apartment complex is small with only 24 units. There is a carryout next door and a nice looking residential area surrounds the place. I put the decision on Wayne, asking him if he wanted to shop around. I also encouraged him that this seemed ideal. The best part is the apartment comes with an air conditioner. He decided to get it which works for me. It’s not that I am lazy but I would prefer not to go driving all over the place looking at apartments.

We filled out the paperwork and I stopped by the Pharm to get some bread and milk for Wayne on the way back to his place. Their bread was outrageously high but I got it anyway because it was worth an extra buck to not go to another store.

I stopped and washed the car on the way home. As soon as I get this posted on the blog I will let Fred know I am back so I can take him to the store.

Oh yeah! Got to get this down. Virginia called me as I was driving to pick up Wayne. She said that the bank would wire me the money but they would take out Larry’s $40,000 first. That was fine until she said that if I didn’t want to do it that way it would cause a big paperwork hassle, requiring that the farm be divided and all kinds of other things that didn’t make sense. Why can’t I just write Larry a check? Now I have questions that need to be answered. It would seem that this lack of trust is being displayed. I kind of feel like I am being called a thief or something. Virginia was just relaying what the lawyer told her I think. This is a slap in the face, an insult. I wonder if Larry is the one who is pushing this. Right now I am of the mind to make them go through all the extra paperwork just to slap back, to make Larry wait a little longer. I am in no hurry. Of course it would help if he would bother to call me and talk. Time to call my lawyer.
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Talked to Patrick about this estate thing. He didn’t think things needed to be so hard and suggested that the bank send Larry two checks. One for his half of the CD and the other for the $40,000 that identifies it as payment for his half of the farm. This way there is documentation. That is fine so I asked Patrick about the $3,000 that Larry had promised to pay for what he took from our mother’s estate. After discussing that he suggested that it come out of the checking account moneys. I asked Patrick to relay this to McGilvray and make Larry paying this debt a contingency to getting this all finalized. I am sure it will set Larry off but at this point I kinda like that. He needs his boat rocked a little. Besides that it is simply holding him to his word and making him do what is right. Time to get Fred out so Gotta go.

That went well also. Got Fred to K&J meat for his box of food. While there Cherie returned my call to let her know what was going on with the inheritance. As we talked I noticed Fred getting a sample of smoked sausage. He gummed it as he does but then I saw him spit the skin of the sausage into his hand. He moved along the display and then threw the skin on the floor. At this point I just kind of cracked up and moved away from Fred so I could explain to Cherie why I had started laughing. Then we took it to Barb who was pretty cheerful. Barb’s check had come so I took her to the bank to cash it. Now I am home. Haven’t eaten today and am feeling weak so I’ll fix a peanut butter and honey on toast. I am feeling tired as I often do by this time of the day. Actually having to work to not fall asleep at this computer. Time for a snack and a nap.
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5:34 – Just woke up. Pretty cloudy right now and it looks like I am running at a five on the Bob scale. Checked the blog and E mail to see if Larry decided to communicate. Larry or someone else from Fort Worth looked at the blog at 12:23 this afternoon. Cherie cracked up when I told her I asked Patrick to request Larry pay the $3,000 he promised me. She understands I don’t care about the money but would rather be treated like an honest man with just a small amount of respect. You know, talk with me. If you don’t trust me be a man and tell me to my face, none of this insulting crap like insinuating I will run off with the money. Come on guys, where am I going to go?

Catch up

5/22/06 Monday
It is 4:00 already. This has been a rough day. Haven’t done a thing. Just took the new migraine pill that I have avoided because it seemed to trigger a slow down. I’ll watch closely to see if it does this time but I am already slow, running about a 5 on the Bob scale. Cherie called and asked for me to cook dinner. At first she told me there was fish and hamburger in the fridge but I got confused asking if she wanted me to cook both. She understands that when I am slow decisions are hard so she decided on hamburger for me. That helps a lot.

7:49 – Still rough. When I checked my E mail there was a note from Patrick, the lawyer I got in Midland for the estate. It said that there was a hang up because the bank will not release the CD to settle the estate because it is to be split evenly between my brother and I. That would mean that I would need to write Larry a check for $40,000 to pay for his half of the farm. I called Virginia to talk with her about it after I called Patrick. Virginia said that Larry didn’t like that idea and started on his practiced litany of how he was to get 50% of everything and on and on. Virginia said “Somebody is going to have to trust somebody”.

I don’t have a problem with that though I should, after all it was Larry who never bothered to let me know our mother had died for five months while he took what he wanted. Then of course he came up with all kinds of rationalizations to justify his actions. “You were living under a bridge” he said, referring to the period I was homeless. The fact of the matter was that at the time our mother died I was a ward of the court and was housed at the Volunteers of America or the county jail. Larry knew where I was and even wrote to me. The only way I found out Mother had died was during my monthly visit with my probation officer. She told me she had been talking to my brother and he told her I inherited a truck. This caused much turmoil. It was only a year after I had woken from the coma and my brain was still reeling as it sought to come back into balance. Now I am trying to process this statement. “I inherited a truck? Who died?” I asked Lenice, my probation officer. She didn’t know but said she would ask my brother.

A month later I went in for my scheduled report to Lenice. She took one look at me and picking up her phone dialed a number. Putting the phone to her ear I watched as she listened to it. When someone at the other end answered she simply said “Hold on”. Handing me the phone she said “It’s your brother”. Lenice had allowed me to call Larry from her office before but it was always at my request. I asked Larry “Lenice said I inherited a truck. Who died? Was it Minnie Lee?”. Larry was a little perturbed and his first statement was “I’m never going to talk to that woman again” referring to Lenice. Then he told me that Jessica, our mother, had died. The fact that she had been dead for over four months he avoided, just saying that she had been in bad shape and was found dead in her trailer. I am stunned. This is hard to process, especially in the condition I was in. I walked the four miles back to the VOA trying to absorb all of this. I wouldn’t learn the date she died for another eight months or so and presumed it had just happened.

So my brother is nervous? He is worried I might cheat him in some way? One of the things I have learned in the volatile life I have lived is a principle that has served me well and given me much discernment. A thief is always worried about others stealing from him and a liar suspects others of lying to him. People often expect others to have the same faults they do. I know that Larry reads this blog and is always welcome to put his side of things in the comment section.

I looked to see if I had another picture of Larry that looked better than the one above. This is Larry and I with our mother at my first wedding to Cherie twenty six years ago. We both had more hair and less gut then.
So let me state my case while I am venting. When my mother died Larry was the one who went to Houston to take care of things. Minnie Lee, our maternal grandmother had paid Larry $900 to cover his expenses. At first Larry denied ever getting that money but later was forced to concede that he did when Minnie Lee showed her documentation of it. This was all part of the dance he was making around all this.

Larry and his friends cleaned up the considerable mess at mothers trailer and evidently had to scrap the trailer. What he found there we will probably never know the truth on. He showed us the Peruvian artifacts and some prints. My grandfathers coin collection was there along with a silverware set and some costume jewelry. The only other thing of value was two pick up trucks, both of which were purchased by Minnie Lee for her daughter, Jessica.

Larry, in his generosity, said I could have one of the pickups. That was something I was grateful for and could really use. Cherie and I went to St. Louis to pick it up. “Oh! Gee Whiz” Larry said as he told me that the motor was blown in the truck he was going to allow me to have. “It’s not my fault” he tried to tell me when I confronted him. He drove it from Houston and it was fine so who’s fault is it? Regardless it was junk. All I wanted was half the value of the estate, what I am due but all Larry wanted to give me was the trash. The Peruvian artifacts are the fake items sold to unsuspecting tourists and besides that if any were authentic the were illegal to have due to a federal law enacted in 1968. That is worthless. The silverware set Larry had promised to sell but later told me he had given it to dad. The coin collection had been stolen from Minnie Lee by my mother (Her daughter. Looks like this runs in the family) Grandma specifically told me and Cherie that she wanted us to have it.

Below are some E mails between my brother and I. In them you can see him promising to give me $3000 for my share of our mothers estate. Then you can see him changing that to $1500. Fact is he never paid a dime. Now that he is getting nearly $100,000 I will watch with interest if he keeps his word. If he does I will be glad to announce it and apologize for vilifying him. If he doesn’t he shows us all that he is still a liar. I hope he keeps his word. Would love to see him be a man.

From: LWest1978@aol.com
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2004 16:12:50 EDT
Subject: Hi
To: bobcarver1@yahoo.com
Hi
Hope everything is going ok with you guys, it is pretty hot down here.
I looked up the blue book and the medium price on the truck is $4100, deduct my expenses leaves $3000 divided in two would leave $1500 I would owe you. The silverware is worth about 425, you have the gold coin worth 350, the car jack is easily worth 50, plus the 50 from the truck. You also have the prints and the majority of the jewlery.
let me know what you think
larry

From: Bob Westbrook
Your expenses? You tell me my grandmother is a liar and did not give you the $900 she said. You have the silverware. The Gold coin is part of Rudy’s collection and is not in this affair. You can have the prints and the "majority" of the jewelry. All the victory nickels are missing and so are most of the silver certificates that Rudy and I collected together. I can buy a brand new jack of that size from harbor freight for $50. You can have the Peru stuff also. The truck you trashed and did not deal with until so late you had to give it away. If nothing else you are consistent in taking care of you and not taking care of business. Typical for an alcoholic. Meanwhile I only get $8.50 a month disability and Cherie will lose her job cause Paramount insurance where she works is being bought out by Anthem, a division of Blue Cross. You want an easy out send me $3000. I will be checking with Texas on the truck title if I don't hear from you in 3 weeks.

From: Larry Westbrook
In respnse to your previous e mail, I never said Lee was a liar, I asked her and she said she did give me $900, this covered my plane flight , car rental and some more but this is money she gave to me personally and has nothing to do with this, I don't hear you mention the $1500 she gave you. I am talking about $850 I paid on the trailer, my expenses such as travel and hotel, there are numerous smaller expenses I did not keep track of such as have the oil changed in the trucks and having them cleaned, a new tire and battery on the white truck, inspection and tags, 4 days of cleaning up all Jessie's trash, Neil's expense for coming to Houston and helping me and taking the truck back , Jim's expenses for driving it up to St Louis for me, etc.

The gold coin was not part of Rudy's collection and never was, It ticks me off you accuse me of taking coins out of the collection, it is exactly the way I found it. I am sure you can buy a junkie jack for $50 but that was a good one, and like I said it was worth at least $50. I would like to know how I trashed the truck, I did not drive it more than 300 miles, I had the oil changed immediately and do not quite understand how I made the oil pump quit working. I spent $200 on the computer from Delmar and about that much fixing up Jessie's, I don't hear that mentioned.

I am tired of hearing all this drunk talk, I party with freinds and drink. I don't abuse it, most all my friends and myself are pretty wild but are responsible proffessionals. I don't call Lee when I am drinking, I call her every morning around 6 am. I am not the one with problems in this area. You try to make a big deal out of a few dollares here or there, what about the money I spent on you , I spent $350 on you when you came down here because I wanted you and Cherie to have an enjoyable trip, anything I do somehow gets turned around into something negative. You seem to forget what the situation was like when this happened, I took what was of value and saved it for when your situation improved. Yes the truck helped me out very much and the white truck was a real shame. It only had 64000 miles on it but it was 14 years old.

If you think that $3000 is a fair price then I have no problem with it. I will send you the money as soon as I can. The work conditions are not even close to St Louis, I have had ads out for a month and have had more calls from people looking for a job than needing work done. I have done one small repair job for $400 in for weeks and have been working for a friend as a framer outdoors in 100 degree weather the last few weeks . It is enough to pay my bills. It is the worst part of the season being as hot as it is and with school starting up. I know I will start drumming up some work as I make some contacts and get situated.

Sorry to hear Cherie might lose her job and hope the best for you.

larry

And he doesn’t trust me? This is hard. Larry is the only one in my family that helped me in my time of great need. He did incur some personal expenses in doing that and I am grateful but that doesn’t justify deceiving and stealing from me. I just don’t have it in me to let him walk away with this. Where is a balance that can be applied here? I don’t know but hope to find one and resolve this. Don’t want bad blood here.

I see that I didn’t finish my entry for Sunday. It was a touching day as I spent much of it working with Denise. I helped her get her computer to work right and also started to teach her how to do things on it. This is strange because it was just three years ago I was being taught how to use a computer by the people at the main library. They had pitched in to help me use the library facilities to research who I was. Despite having a large (By my standards) computer network in my telemarketing company I no longer remembered how to perform basic tasks because of the memory loss from the brain injury.

Here is Denise with the actor who played "Squigy" in the Laverne and Shirley television show. He also has MS and was a featured speaker at this fund raiser.
Denise was so happy about the help I was giving her that she cried several times. I showed her how to download music on her computer after I downloaded Media Play from the internet. This blew her away when I showed her how to work it and that she could have the music playing in the background as she worked on her computer. As I watched how hard it was for her to use a keyboard because of the tremors from the MS I determined to look into getting a keyboard with big, easier to hit, keys. They are not cheap, running close to $200. Her computer is pretty old and as slow as I am on my bad days. That’s pretty slow.

We talked and talked. I don’t think Denise has had someone she felt comfortable unloading on around for a while. She might, I don’t know, I just know there was lots pent up inside her. I delved into her situation a little in order to know how to best help her get her own place. She desperately wants to be self sufficient and mostly to live on her own, not with her parents. I talked with her mom a little about that but am not sure what she thinks about that. All I know is my heart is touched deeply by Denise. She has so much to overcome. Denise’s physical condition is at the point where she sometimes stays on her hands and knees in order not to fall down. Her spirit is strong and an inspiration but the weight of her disease and little hope for improvement is a crushing thing that will wear out the staunchest of wills. The old saying comes again to my mind. I used to complain about having no shoes till I met a guy with no feet.

Good night folks. It is nearly 2:00 in the morning. I am wide awake, partly because I had a hard day and spent much of it laying down. Probably should try to sleep so my clock doesn’t get turned around.

Good weather, nice day

5/20/06 Saturday

Before, this mind went wandering
however it pleased,
wherever it wanted,
by whatever way that it liked.
Today I will hold it aptly in check--
as one wielding a goad, an elephant in rut.

-Dhammapada, 23, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Buddhist teachings.

Beautiful day out. After ten days of rainy cold weather this is a bright relief. I woke up feeling good and running about an 8 on the Bob scale. Still sharp but a headache decided to make its presence known so I took some aspirin and a Tramadol. I didn’t use the medicine the VA had just prescribed for my migraines because it seemed to trigger a bad slow down. I will try it a few times to see if that holds true but not today because there is much I wish to get done and I like having my brain available for use.

Cherie is packing things in preparation for our move to Texas. She has been incredibly happy for a couple of days now and we would both drop into raucous laughter over the silliest things, sometimes laughing so hard we couldn’t talk or catch our breath. It is hard to kiss someone when you both are laughing, but we are getting good at it.

We have been back together for three years now and the novelty has not worn off at all. As I drove Cherie to the storage unit the other day I looked over to her and was again struck. “I can’t believe your sitting next to me. It just amazes me you are here, that we are back together” I told her with all the emotions I felt. This is a conversation we have several times a week, a realization of how blessed we are. Both of us still start to tear up as we look at each other and talk of our love. “Be quiet. Shut up before I start to cry” is a common statement we both make. Me, I’m the big macho guy who has been to hell and back and I get all mushy and weepy when it comes to Cherie. I don’t care, I love my life, which Cherie brings meaning to, and could give a shit what anyone else thinks. My years of impressing those around me are gone now. I suppose that happens when you become so confident in who you are and how you live that what others think becomes irrelevant.

As per my routine I sat to think of what needed to be done, to schedule the day. I need to get Wayne’s medical records together and send them to the lawyer in Kentucky. I was supposed to do that last week but it got forgotten as so much does in my life. The other thing that needs to be done is filling out the paperwork for Lee’s government annuity so it will be released to Larry and I. I will need to call Virginia to get some information from her.

As I started this the phone rang. It was Fred and he asked “Do you have anything planned today?”. “Where do you need to go Fred?” I answered his question with a question. Fred just wanted to go to Radio Shack. “No problem Fred, when do you want to go?” I said. “How about right now?” he answered so it is time to put on shoes and go.

I had presumed Fred wanted to get some more of the light bulbs for his magnified reader he goes through as quick as he gets them. No, what he wanted was a new tape for his answering machine. He’s bought a few over the last three years and I am sure they are not wearing out but who knows what happens as he blindly pushes buttons to make something happen.

Going into Radio Shack I see signs all over that the store would be closed soon. Everything was 20 to 40 percent off. “Fred you ought to buy out their light bulbs while you can” I suggested. He agreed and went with the sales clerk to find a tape for his answering machine. I heard the clerk say “We don’t carry that tape anymore” so went over to assist. “Fred, you ought to look at getting a new machine. The digital ones don’t even need a tape” I piped up. Considering that the machine he had was probably made thirty years ago I thought it a good idea. He groused about not being able to understand how to use a new one so I promised to show him. Then he asked the price and decided to wait.

Getting done there we went back to the car. Fred said “Do you think Wall Mart will have Papermate pens?”. Sure, we’ve been down this road before. Fred wants a particular type of pen and tells me it comes in a package with one black and one red pen. Haven’t found it in the last four stores we have been in. I took him to Wall Mart and we went to the office section. I found the Papermate flair pens but there was none packaged like he wanted and they were out of the black ones. Telling Fred this wasn’t enough, he had to look for himself so I settled back for the upcoming adventure in shopping.

Fred proceeded to put his face inches from each peg full of products to try and make out what it was. “Fred, that’s white out” I explained as he picked up a package with a square container. “Those are large magic markers” I went on. Finally I decided to try and talk Fred into trying another brand. “You know Fred, there are lots of other companies that make the same kind of pen. I just need a pen to make a mark when I use it” I started. Fred said “No. I use Papermate when I make out my list of bills. That’s the pen I use”. Some how I convinced him to give another brand a chance so we got out of there.

That’s the start for our day. Cherie is shopping and I will be driving to the East Side where the cheapest gas is right now to fill up.

Hard start

5/19/06 Friday
This is a hard start morning. I have a headache and am walking like I am 80 because the right leg isn’t working well. They switched Cherie’s hours again. Changes from day to day as some sort of disturbance between executives rages in the corporation. Cherie was running late as she has to come in an hour earlier than yesterday and was accordingly stressed. Of course I have to get in the way do take care of morning bathroom duties that can’t wait. We are rushing. Cherie to get to work and me to get out of the way when the doorbell rings. “Who could that be? Nobody comes to see us. What’s all that noise outside?” runs the conversation.

The doorbell rings again and I look out the window to see front end loaders coming into the parking lot. I’m not anxious to have a visitor as I am naked, bad timing. I see the notice I had taken off my door last night and read it again. “OH yeah. New parking lot. Move cars. Shit, got to move. Cherie’s pissed at the timing and inconvenience of this and say’s “I’m not moving till I leave for work. They can wait” she says as she takes curlers out of her hair. Grabbing some sweats to be marginally presentable I open the door to see who was ringing. There is a conversation with Fred as I hear someone offering to move Fred’s car. “I got it. I’ll get Fred’s car moved” I yelled down the stairs and rushed back in the apartment. I got clothes and shoes on in record time and went out to move it. Fred is standing at the door and handing me fifty cents said “Would you get me a paper?”.

Now that I write this I wonder if I ever got him his paper. That’s a problem with this not remembering thing. I suppose I need to call Fred and ask him if I got his paper, if indeed he asked me to. I can’t tell if the my memory of his asking for a paper was this morning or yesterday.

I called Fred. Yeah I got his paper, walked in and laid it on the table like Fred asked. I explained that I was just checking up on myself. Fred understands as he spends a fair amount of time with me. He knows I forget where I am going as I drive down the road and learned to watch where I am going as I drive him. He laughed about it and we hung up.

Now what do I do. Running just a little slow with a window of clarity that lasted about an hour. I know I need to work on the love story but have a hard time because of all the noise of heavy equipment and not being up to speed. Maybe I will carve some more. That is relaxing and peaceful, something I have used to distressed going back to 1976 when I learned to carve in prison.

I called Cherie a second ago. A statement she made yesterday surfaced in my mind with the answer seemingly attached. Perhaps I had thought it through since then or my brain worked it out while I slept. Don’t know, I just figured I should call her about it while it was still in this mind. “Cherie, about what you said yesterday, that you didn’t want to start off working full time in Texas maybe only part time. That got me to thinking. You Will be working full time. But you will be working with me. We’re going to build this farm together. We got some cash so lets rent a place while we get this done. It’ll take some time. Maybe six months”.

That is so true. There is a ton of things to be done starting with paperwork. That covers getting government grants and incentives that are available all the way to blueprints and permits. The first step is to assay the total situation. Water, plumbing, electrical, structural, grounds clean up, whatever else needs to be done. Then we prioritize everything to determine the order it will be done in. How much we do and when is dependant on finances.

I have an overall plan worked out in my head that I simply call “the dream”. It is what I would do with the place if I had a million dollars or so. The thing about dreams is you might as well dream big because even if you don’t quite achieve that dream you will stretch yourself and thus accomplish more than if you had not dared dream in the first place. I have always been a dreamer.

There is a reality that I wait to face. A reality that is a question for now and can only be answered in time. That question is “what am I able to do?”. What are my limits? I always try to do more than I can. Would that be a guarantee of failure then, to always take on more than you can do? Maybe to you, or someone else (I don’t know who’s reading this) but to me it is a guarantee that I will learn something.

Enough writing. It is already 1:00 and I haven’t eaten yet. Besides the racket outside is driving me nuts. What I do need to write and do immediately before I forget is this. I talked to Linda, the property manager for Girdenich realty when I was moving the car. After a quick dig about overnight notice of the parking lot I got to talking with her. I made a comment about it being a shame that they don’t take section 8 because I knew a guy who really needed a safe place. She said they will so I got her card. I need to call Wayne.
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6:53 – I hadn’t written much about yesterday and had a hard time remembering what I did till I went to get something to eat. I found the fresh guacamole I made yesterday and what was left of the pineapple upside down cake I also made. What I did yesterday was cook dinner and went all out with it. Fred took me to breakfast where we could get eggs, potatoes, and coffee for a buck. We didn’t say much but the eggs were eggs and the coffee was hot so we got our moneys worth. After breakfast I took Fred to the dollar store where he bought stuff Barb needed. I took him to Barb’s with the goodies and then we took Barb to Kroger for food. After all that I came home and other than cooking dinner don’t have a clue what else I did.

We just went out to eat. Went to the Oaken Bucket and I am not impressed. The ribs were tough and the barbeque sauce sucked. Tasted like something Chef Boyardee would make. I’m going to run over to Allen’s tonight. He called and is feeling depressed or sorry for himself so I will go cheer him up.

Boy Howdy…That was fun!! I just watched Allen play a video game for two and a half hours. We didn’t talk other than “Did you see that, Whoa?”. Allen wasn’t feeling pain and his glassy eyes told me he was flying. He tried to get me to play but I no longer do that with him. He has hundreds of hours playing and always wants to correct me and show me better ways to do something. Everything he says is gibberish to my ears as I am having a hard time making a guy move forward much less understanding any of the intricacies of the game. This coupled with my brains inability to process information quickly takes all the fun out of playing. So I watched. Finally I said it was time to go and was glad to get moving. Allen chain smokes and invariably I am downwind from him so my clothes stink by the time I escape. I'm glad I don't smoke anymore.

Good morning world

5/18/06 Thursday
It is a bright cloudless morning and 42 degrees out this morning. Rain is supposed to arrive around noon. This morning Fred wants to take me out to breakfast. He has coupons for a place called Watson’s or something like that where eggs, bacon, and toast are only a buck. That’s Fred, saving a dollar wherever he can. I think the main reason he wants to take me out to breakfast is to take advantage of the coupons. He will gladly pay to save.

There is nothing else on my calendar. I am running a 7 on the Bob scale this morning. That is about average for me. Don’t know what else will happen.

Who knows what this day brings

5/17/06 Wednesday
It is an uneventful overcast morning. The subject of Wayne’s pants, that Cherie was going to hem, came up. Cherie had been not getting to this for quite some time now. Wayne had asked for them last week. I think he only owns two or three pairs of pants, maybe more. Cherie got upset about it and said she was going to quit doing sewing for others. I think that is good but made a quick comment about keeping your word that wasn’t too bright, didn’t help anything.

This picture of Wayne is taken in front of the Library downtown. This was when we both lived in St. Paul's homeless shelter where I met Wayne. I would walk Wayne to the library to get out of the heat and away from the dangers around the shelter.

I am to take Wayne to the bank and then to get groceries. It is the middle of the month so he is due for his second stock up for the month. I had told him 10:00 but might make it later because it is 9:40 and I haven’t gotten prepared for the day. Putting clothes on would be a good start. No, first a shower and shave. Should call Wayne to let him know.

Wayne’s fine but a little hoarse. I let him know I’d like to make it later. That was fine with Wayne and he let me know he would go lie down till I get there. I will call when I head his direction to wake him up. There is lots of fatigue with the MS so Wayne naps allot.

I am running a six on the Bob scale, not bad, not good, just the way it is. Think I better get started with the morning routine now.

Showered, not going to shave as I usually skip every other day to make my razors last twice as long. Hey…It wasn’t too long ago I was lucky to even have a razor and would use them till they would shred my face. Nuff of that. I should whip up something to eat, you know, some gas in the tank. Not sure how this day will go. I got some carving done yesterday, which is good. I think I will call Fred and let him know where I will be going in his car. Then I will head over to Wayne’s. See ya.
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1:52 - Now I am back. Carman kitty is in my lap insisting he will die if I do not pet him. Makes it hard to manipulate this laptop. I am tired. The steroid treatments are helping Wayne out. He tells me his pain is lessened and that he had all kinds of energy right after the infusions. He has more energy and doesn’t tire as easily.

I took him to Kroger and he kept up with me fairly well, at least till Cherie called. “Rob? Did you go shopping? Are you still at the store? What store is it?”. I answered her questions almost as quick as she asked them so she meekly asked “Would you mind getting a few things??”. Of course I will. She gave me a short list and I actually remembered we need milk. I’m always proud of myself when I remember something.

Wayne and I had been heading to the register when Cherie called so, looking at him I said, “That was Cherie. There’s some things I need to hurry and get. Why don’t you stay here cause I’m going to be moving fast”. That was fine with him so I headed quickly out. Of course what we needed was milk and lettuce, which are in opposite corners of this huge Kroger store. As I walk I am desperately trying to recall what Cherie wanted and then working to make sure I would not forget before I got it in my cart. I think it worked but I won’t know till Cherie comes home. She’ll tell me if I missed something.
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3:00 - Not doing well. Ears ringing and a bit lightheaded. Think I’ll lay down.

9:15 – I couldn’t remember what I did since the 3:00 entry. Now I do. I did some serious carving. It won’t look like much because I am at the point where much of the carving is more like shaving the wood. I take much smaller cuts and work with the grain so it leaves a smooth finish. Takes time. I carved for three hours straight. Had a hard time getting up and walking after that. When Cherie came home is when I stopped. We had Salisbury steak hamburgers and salad for dinner.

It’s after nine which is getting late for me. Just a little tired. Allen had returned my call at 5:00. I left a message at 12:00 that I would be free till 4:30. He is a little thick here. “Well why don’t you come by after you eat dinner” he said. I finally decided to explain things again “Allen I don’t like to be out late and don’t like driving at night. You know the hours I keep. That’s the way it is so get used to it”.
Ended that conversation right now.

I think I’ll take some pictures of the carving. Cherie is watching American Idol which doesn’t really interest me. Here's a good before and after so you can see the progress I'm making

A spot of sun

I look out the window as I go to post this. There is a bright beam of sunlight illuminating this building. All I can see is a solid expanse of dark heavy clouds moving south but I am bathed in sunlight. I look outside and see the clouds seem to split overhead to let this light in. Keeps splitting. Most peculiar but cool.

5/16/06 Tuesday
11:05 – I am up, showered, shaved, fixed breakfast, and watched Dr. Phil. I don’t think I would do things the way he does but I like how he can check someone in a hurry. Anyway, I watch Dr. Phil to learn how to understand others as well as learning how to help. It would just be nice to be able to remember what I learn, especially when I need it. I figure I get some of it by osmosis, that despite being unable to remember a show some of it still resonates down in my core. This then colors decisions and responses thus has a positive effect. You are what you feed yourself, especially me considering how much is new, replacing what was lost in the wreck.

As you can tell I am feeling introspective or something like that. Today I have nothing on my calendar but I know Fred wanted me to take him somewhere after Cathy was done doing some work for him. Don’t remember where. I also think Barb needed to go to get groceries because her check is supposed to come today. I need to finish up the love story. OK.. as I wrote I remember I had poured dishwater. Excuse me for a minute.

Got that done. Now where was I? Oh yeah! “What am I going to do today?”. That was the question I was answering. So ultimately I am going to hang by the phone till someone calls. “RINGG” There’s the kitchen phone. Hang on>

That was Sharon. She called to let us know that the guy who beat her got twenty one months in prison with twenty one more on tap if he violates parole. She is breathing a big sigh of relief and tells me she has “Committed it to the Lord”. I think of the power of religion to bring safety and comfort to one who believes as she told me of how she would be praying for this guy every day. It ultimately is the power of faith regardless of what that faith is in. It is an “I can do” attitude on steroids as it is fueled by religious conviction. The concept of an eternity of peace and joy just ahead makes all the misery of this life pale in its’ impact. Just a moment of hardship in the scheme of things. This brings strength to deal with the problems of life, courage to forge ahead.

Good morning! I now wait for the phone to ring again. I think I will look at the Love Story and see what comes out as I continue it. If there is no inspiration I will carve a little.
--------------------------------------------

This will take a while. I went back to research this last part of the Love Story by reading the E mails Cherie and I wrote to each other. This is something else, the memory and record of Cherie and I coming together. I could see the shape I was in through the E mails and the conditions of my life. E mail was the only way we talked for a month. This was because we were both afraid of causing pain

Fred just called. He wants to go to Ed Schmidt Chevy. Time to get my shoes on.

That wasn’t bad. Fred wanted an explanation of his bill and to bitch in general. He headed for the general managers office when I explained he needed to talk to Mark in finance. “Yeah, lets talk to Mark” Fred said changing his course. I walked along and when we came up to Marks office I can see he is with a customer through the plate glass window. “Fred, he’s with someone, lets sit over here and wait” I was saying when I turned around to see Fred blindly waving through the glass to who he thought was Mark. I heard Mark’s voice saying “I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes” so suggested “Fred, let’s sit over here. It won’t be long”. It would be long.

We sit, I look at the pickup in front of us, Fred says “Get some coffee for yourself”, I go and there is no coffee, so I sit back down. Now Fred is getting impatient. I see him trying to peer over the hood of the pickup into Mark’s office so tell him “He’s still busy Fred. Just relax, Mark knows you’re here”. We did this routine twice more ending with Mark walking out with his customer and going down the hall. Fred starts to get up and say something as he saw Mark abandoning him. “Fred, that guy just bought a car. Mark’s just walking him up front. He’ll be back” I quickly said to comfort him.

Mark came back and walked right out to us, calling Fred by name. “Mr. Reitz, What can I do for you”. He then invited us into his office. Fred sat first and I pulled the second chair away to separate myself from Fred. It’s his problem and I don’t want Mark to be asking me the questions.

Fred started with a “I’m going to tell you just what I think” as I was easing my butt into the chair. “This is going to be fun” I thought as I tried to not allow a smile to run across my face. Mark glanced at me and put his attention back on Fred “What is bothering you?” he asked. Fred started with the price on his title was not the same as the one for his loan. Mark explained the cost of the service agreement and taxes were on the loan. It was going to take more than that.

Mark pulls Fred’s account up on the computer and turning the screen to Fred started “If you look right here…”. “I can’t see a thing. I can’t see” Fred protested so Mark looked at me. “Why don’t you scoot your chair up here and explain what you see?” he said. I looked at the screen full of numbers and turned to Mark. I pointed in Fred’s direction with both of my hands as they rested on Mark’s desk top and said “No…You explain it to him. I already tried”. From there I held on, only cracking up once as I listened to Fred march Mark through his list of dissatisfactions with how things are. Mark was having a hard time also because you know how contagious repressed laughter can be. Fred’s last complaint was about not getting a payment book, “just this damn piece of paper”. “Now I’m going to end up with a room full of paper. What am I going to do with that? I don’t have a last page. They could bill me long after I got the car paid off and I will never know it” Fred went on. Mark patiently answered everyone of Fred’s questions, explaining things till Fred was satisfied. He’s pretty good.

I was glad Fred just wanted to go home after this. I returned a call from Allen. He had called while I was driving with Fred and I told him I didn’t like talking while driving. He just wanted to let me know that I could come over if I wanted. Not really. I explained that it was too close to when Cherie comes home so I wasn’t going to drive twenty miles for a half hour visit, not at the price of gas.

Now I am home. I think I will go back in this journal to the time I met Cherie again. It is hard to believe even now as I read the E letters we sent back and forth. I think that I will print many of them in the love story. They convey the poignancy of those moments well.


It is good to be in love folks, especially when it is a deep abiding love. When Cherie and I come together it’s as if it were a chemical reaction that creates joy. We laugh, we hug, we dream. It is good to be in love. Now back to the history this journal contains of our love.

Cherie and I went to the park this evening. The sun doesn't go down till after 8:00now. We couldn't believe how much it has grown up. I took a bunch of pictures and am glad to have the camera back. However it doesn’t seem to be focusing for the close up shots. We did see one deer. I think it was a young buck but he was off by himself.


I wish I could convey what it is like out in the forest. The smells are wonderful, a blend of fresh washed air with the scent of green life making fresh oxygen. Then there would be the scent of some far off flowers wafting with the breeze. We listened to all kinds of birds, crying out for attention or to announce they were in charge of something.


There is a spirit in the air, it is a sense of peace and we cling to it. I will drive from Texas just to smell this air again.

Moving right along...My son on my mind

5/15/06 Monday
There has already been allot of traffic on the blog. It is 1:34 and I am just now getting to going online and starting this journal. This morning was lethargic. Cherie is back on her nine to six work schedule so she got to take her time getting ready. That seemed to set my pace for the first part of the morning. I dipped around, scrambled some eggs and just vegged, accomplishing nothing. Then the phone rang.

“You want to go early? I’m ready if you are” I heard Fred’s voice crackling through the phone. “Uh, Fred? No I’m not ready yet. I’m not even dressed” I let the old guy know. “You’re not even dressed yet? How soon can you go. How’s a quarter to eleven sound” Fred said and then launched into where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do. So much for lethargic. Damn. I checked my E mail and was totally immersed in the E mail that Bruce sent me. I was trying to get it to load on the blog but this dial up sucks. No time, clocks ticking, I guess I just have to skip a shower and throw something on. Yeah…I’ll just hit the mouthwash instead of brushing. No one will know except me as it feels like I got velvet coating my teeth and gums. Can’t get these damn pictures to load. I’ll just publish this now and load the pictures later. Out the door.


“Hi Fred, You ready to go?” I said cheerily when Fred opened his door in response to my knock. “Yeeaahh” Fred slowly said. I could tell he wasn’t up to speed. Grabbing the bag of garbage Fred had put outside next to his door I hurried out the door. I ran his garbage to the dumpster and got back to his car by the time he was getting out the door.

We went and cashed a check over at Tom’s and then across the street to the BMV. There I went to stand in line for Fred so he could sit down but I was the next in line. It was a slow day. Fred worked to get up to the counter and then started the process to get the plates transferred to the Buick. I stood by and helped by relaying what the clerk said loud enough for Fred to hear. Some of the questions I knew the answers for anyway so that speeded up the process.

Out of there we went to the dollar store. Fred had a long list of things he wanted. I could tell it was all for Barb. Bleach, dish soap, SOS pads, a mop, and other cleaning stuff. Fred depended on me more than at other times and seemed lost. This is kind of how I get during my slow downs so it is interesting to watch. I got all this stuff in the cart and we headed to the check out. As always I watched as everything was scanned and made sure Fred understood he was holding a twenty in his hand to pay with.

Then we went to Barb’s. I carried the bags behind Fred as he went up to Barb’s door. Fred just grabbed the knob and tried to walk right in like he always does. It was locked so he banged on it but got no response. Barb came out of the apartment the old pervert lived in. I guess they are getting along now. Don’t care. Walking into Barb’s place Fred blew up right away. “You got to clean up this pig sty. This is ridiculous. It smells in here. Air this place out!” He preached as he poked at things with his walking stick. Barb of course instantly reacted so I spoke up “Hey guys??? Lets make this a fun time OK. Where am I driving to?”. That got things refocused so I headed out the door towards the car. They dutifully followed though Fred was still bitching under his breath. “Hey, It worked!” I thought to myself but the day is just starting.

The first order of events is to again decide where I was driving to. Barb had a ten dollar gift card from Kroger but Fred didn’t want to go to Kroger because they had charged him a late charge. So that left the Pharm. They weren’t at each others throats like I expected though they had lively discussions. I pretty much stayed in the distance and let them go. Fred asked me to get a pack of Papermate pens “They come in a two pack with one black and one red” he told me. I already knew this would be an adventure.

Finding the school supply isle I purveyed everything that was on the shelves. Nothing matching the description here. Fred comes by and I explained there was nothing like he had described. Then I have to start the being his visual announcer as he would get into the pens. As he grabbed a package off the peg I would tell him what he held. He was getting frustrated and kept grabbing. I just let him go, no longer telling him what he held as he would place his face inches away from everything determined to find what he wanted. He finally gave up. Big sigh of relief.

I got them checked out and loaded up. Fred decided to take us out for a sandwich so the discussion of where to go began. Barb was explaining that she had to eat healthy so Fred says “What about Long John Silvers”. Now that is not healthy in any way and is the greasiest crap I have ever had. I made the mistake of saying that. Finally I just stopped the car in the parking lot. “I’m not moving till we know where I’m going” I announced. That worked. Red Wells it is.

That worked out well. I had the Barbecued beef for only $1.65 and water. Fred did roast beef with gravy poured all over the sandwich. Barb had that too but without all the gravy to avoid the fat. It was good. I was glad to take everyone home and get back here. Now my back is pretty painful as I sit and type this. May have to lay down and put the laptop on my raised knees as I often do. The back and neck are exceptionally noisy today, crackling noticeably as I stretch to reduce my pain.

It is 2:41 as I write this. My ears are beginning to ring to the point it drowns out the outside noises. Hope I stay speedy. Don’t need a slow down now when I seem to be writing so well. I think I will have the last piece of apple pie and ice cream. That will make me feel better. At least there is no headache.

This says more than I can

What follows is the E mail I received from my son this morning from Iraq. This is the way I got it so you can tell I resisted correcting an occasional mispelling. It speaks much louder than I can.

All right folks, here we go again.

In my quest for answers for my subject line I have
found part of my answer.
Most of the Airman and Solders here are I will
freely admit we are getting rather bitter. Hating this
country and hating the fact that they are here
fighting a war in a country that it would seem that in
we are not wanted or appreciated. We hear on a regular
basis of our friends getting killed or shot into.
People we saw just a few weeks ago getting sent home
on a stretcher rather than their own feet.
Living here in Mosul's pop up target you get
rather quickly frustrated with rarely being able to
shoot back. Nothing you can do but stand there and
hope that their aim dose not improve. So as you can
understand that there is a lot of frustrations that
are getting blamed on all Iraqis. Because here you
never can tell who is pretending to be your friend and
who actually is.
As was mentioned in the last installment, our
neighbors the Jassem family were the unfortunate
recipient of some of this "inaccurate fire" In witch
it wounded their little girl who was still quietly
sleeping. She was peppered with shrapnel all up and
down her little back. Fortunately we were able to have
her rushed to the local hospital. She has in these few
weeks remarkably bounced back. If it was not for the
bandages you would not be able to tell that this
little eight year old was injured.
Some of us imprisoned on the academy felt rather
guilty that they received the rounds that were meant
for us. A few collections were taken up and some care
package items were donated. I hope that the people who
sent me the monstrous amounts of candy and snack foods
do not mind that it went to a different recipient. We
figured that it would brighten their day more than it
would ours.
So I ask myself when another travesty to our
collective intelligence come out of our leadership,
"What the hell am I still doing here?" I mearly need
to look over the wall at the small stucco house and
say to myself. To give them something that they have
never had before:

hope.

The pictures.


This is most of the Jassum family, minus the
working husband. The mother ended up with two boxes of
assorted items. Mainly junk food, sorry mom...


Second, Santa Clauses (intentionally misspelled).
Our two interpreters that jumped on the opportunity to
do something different. Collectively known as the
"smegals". SSgt M. Sorenson, and Sra. D. McDuffy.(the
ones in "coffee stain" 3-color).


Lastly. The little girl and "mac" he was sent in
one of the "any airman" packages. I will miss wearing
that bird tucked into my shoulder holster for boring
meetings, form filling outs and any other reasons I
needed to see if my troops are paying attention. But
he is in much better hands now.

It is the little things like this that put a face
on the country you only see bad things of in the news.
As for me it was good to put down the rifle and step
back for a second. Helps me on my quest to answer my
question. "what the hell am I still doing here".

until next time

Bruce

It's good to get along

5/13/06 Saturday
It is already 4:00 and I haven’t done anything other than sit in bed watching TV. I was up till 3:00 AM this morning. Just was wide awake and couldn’t go to sleep. Cherie had to work this morning so I got up with her and showered. After fixing a nice breakfast I laid back down and caught up on some sleep. Cherie went and did some shopping. We were going to go over to her mothers storage unit to get the twenty plus chess sets I had stored there and move them to our storage unit. Hope they are still there. When Cherie called to get the key she found out her dad is in the hospital. He wasn’t feeling good and had blood in his stool. Not a good sign.

It might be just hemorrhoids.

5/14/06 Sunday
It is already 3:00 today. I didn’t post anything yesterday and really don’t remember much other than I ran to Allen’s at 8:00 or so for a couple of hours. I just needed to get out as I had been in the house all day.

Cherie called over to her folks house to see how her dad is doing. The hospital will keep him one more night to do some tests on his colon. Cherie had called to see about getting our stuff out of her mom’s storage unit. Her sister, Cathy, answered so Cherie talked to her for a bit. Cathy had a key and called mom at the hospital to get the new code. The code had been changed because of problems with Jeremy that stemmed from him not paying for the storage unit he had. There’s more to that but there always is. Anyway Cathy is to meet us there to let us in so got to go.

I didn’t know what to expect. I haven’t talked to Cathy since the blow up when I made the mistake of talking about what goes on in that household. I haven’t been to the house since and was told I was not welcome to come over. I was surprised when there was no visible animosity from Cathy at all. She was bright and happy and talked freely. That is good. I never wanted there to be problems and am glad that at least she is OK. Now her son Nate may be another thing but we will see.

Cathy and her youngest son, Joshua, helped us get the twenty plus glass chess sets I had bought for a buck apiece loaded into our car. After that I invited them to come over to our storage unit where I showed her the desk I had recovered from my old warehouse. This came up after I saw the mahogany desk in Mom’s storage unit that I had stripped in preparation to refinishing it. That desk had belonged to Cherie’s grandfather but I was unable to finish it because I was no longer able to get to it in the garage and was no longer welcome over there. Kinda made me sad as I had looked forward to making it a gift to dad.

Cathy was impressed with my handiwork and we enjoyed talking about things like the farm and sustainable living. I didn’t know or at least didn’t remember that Cathy has a degree in agriculture so she is very knowledgeable about that kind of stuff. She made some suggestions that I can’t recall now but that’s how it is in Bob world.

While we were there the lady who manages the facility came up and asked Cathy how she got in because a bill hadn’t been paid for two months. Come to find out she mistook Cathy for someone else who will remain nameless for now. Cathy got upset pretty quickly and was getting more upset as she thought of this so I calmed her down.









I helped her understand that the manager was just doing her job and it was not a personal attack or insult. It is however one of the results of other’s actions that end up on Cathy’s shoulders. She expressed her desire to get away from these things that are not her responsibility. Escape can be a good thing. We talked a little more about Texas and I told her that I was glad we got along. I am glad. It is a relief.






I’ve been doing some blogging the last couple of days, something I haven’t done for a while. Chased down some of the links to others who visited my blog as well as some attached to the “homesteader” blog I visit. There is a large community of those who believe in and practice sustainable living as well as organic farming and the like. It would be good I think to connect with this community. One of the ones I tapped into is a Christian agrarian group.

I found some interesting theological positions as I read. Concepts that mirror some of my own regarding the church as a whole and how it evolves. While I have serious doubts and issues when it comes to religion I at the same time have a clearer understanding of these things than many who attend church regularly.



This comes from not only having a degree in theology but from my years as a minister. What a paradox. To not believe yet understand more than many who do.
The owner of one of the bogs showed some picrures of a woodcarving project, I think his first one. But anyway I figured I would post some my woodcarving in case he comes by to visit.







Eileen called me. She has been unable to eat without throwing up for weeks now. When I heard that I remembered an old herbal remedy that is prescribed in eleven states for this kind problem. I have been thinking of visiting Weenie (Eileen’s nickname) for a while so this would be a good time. I stopped by Allen’s for a bit and he gave me a gift for Eileen that surprised me with it’s generosity. “I know she’s a good woman so tell her happy mother’s day for me” he said.









That surprised Eileen also when I got to her house. She didn’t look too awake and I could tell that she wasn’t feeling well. Allen’s gift brightened her up quite a bit. We talked about old times and Eileen told me stories of the years she worked for me. They were often new to me and I asked her again to write them down for even now as I write this I cannot remember what she told me an hour ago. We had some good times and strange days like when I had to call the police to have Thor removed from the premises.

Thor worked for me and got the idea he owned a percentage of the company. I had told him that if we ever went public I would give him shares of stock. This was a pipe dream but I figure the incentive to grow the company to a state going public couldn’t hurt. It went to Thor’s head and there had been an rising tide of tension as his ego led to rebellion. I told him “Thor, enough of this. Your fired”. “You can’t fire me, I own part of the company” was his belligerent reply. Some how, in his delusion he believed this.

Thor continued peering at his computer screen as he kept doing what I had asked him to discontinue. Stubbornly he kept stabbing at the keyboard with his two finger typing skill. Eileen tells me that I had reached out, grabbed the monitor off Thor’s desk. And flung it to the ground with a resounding crash.

This is in full view of everyone in the two banks of telemarketing booths in my main phone room. They had watched this heating up all day so with this everyone ran for the doors. Claudia, a sweet old black woman, was yelling “Eileen! get me out of here! Oh My! The’re going to kill each other”.

When he refused to leave I called the police. Now it gets interesting. The police arrive. “Good, now I’ll end this nonsense” I thought to myself. The officers come in the office and as I get up from my desk Thor runs in from his desk where he had stayed in his defiance. Before I can get a word out Thor yells “You can’t throw me out. I own half of this company. Throw him out”. Now the cops are at a lose. I could see the wheels moving as they try to wrap their miniscule minds around this. Didn’t seem to work.

“Sir, we can’t remove him from the premises because he’s an owner” I was politely told. “What the hell do you want!” I screamed inside as I pointed out “Look at the sign on the door. It says WESTBROOK MARKETING. I’m Bob Westbrook. I own this company”. Not good enough. Nope. Now this is a pickle. Here I am in the office of the company I had founded and built from scratch in front of everyone that works for me and can’t make Thor leave.

Thor reared his head up as he swelled with his own pride. Then as he gloated, pretty much gave me the finger with his eyes, I got an idea. I looked at the two cops, who were not having fun, and said “I’ll be right back, stay here please”. With that I ran out of the office downstairs to the offices of River East. It was their building, they are my landlord. I had noticed one of the things the officers had told me, something about I didn’t own the building so couldn’t force Thor to leave. I explained things to River East and some one came up with me to talk to the police. They said that it was their building and they would like Thor to leave. BAM! BAM! I loved it. Thor’s face screwed up with his rage as he unleashed all that was boiling in his mind. He was then informed that to return to the building would be trespassing and he would be jailed.



Like I said “The good old days”. I am getting tired now. I do have a bunch of pictures on the desk and wood work I did as you can see

Cold rainy morning

5/12/06 Friday
I am running about a 6 or 7 this morning. Not doing bad but I had to think a moment to remember what year it was as I wrote the date above. Probably a 6 on the Bob scale. Yesterday was a good day as evidenced by the total length of my post. Almost wrote a book, but it was a busy day. This morning Wayne will use his medical cab for the first time.

Just called Wayne to check on him. He is waiting for his cab but asked if he could call me in case they didn’t show when he was done with his appointment. I asked how his blood sugar did yesterday and he said it was better than the first day.

Last night I had a headache coming so I took this new medicine for the first time. It is hard to say it worked because sometimes when I feel the start of a headache it doesn’t get bad. Last night was like that. When Cherie looked it up on the internet it said that what the drug did was reduce the flow of blood to the brain. I had presumed that the migraines were made worse because of a lack of blood so would take aspirin to thin it so more would flow. Who knows, I don’t, just guess at things.

I seem to be slowing a little as I write and the ear is starting to ring. At least I don’t have anything really planned though I do want to call Denise to see when I can go over to look at her computer. Imagine that, me working on someone’s computer when I get lost on mine. Hey, I do what I can.
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11:09 – I laid down for a short time because I am feeling poorly. It’s hard to describe. Kind of tired but not the tired where you want to sleep. I took one of the new migraine pills because it said to take them when you feel a headache coming because it wouldn’t work well after the headache was in full force. I am still running at a slow 6 on the Bob scale, probably more like a 5.

I called Jim McGilvray this morning to ask about the Federal group life insurance policy on my grandmother. He just returned the call. He said that because I had gotten a lawyer he wasn’t allowed to talk to me. I didn’t know that but there’s lots of stuff I don’t know. When I explained that I just wanted to see about the life insurance policy and wondered if it would delay things. Jim did say that it was not a part of probate at all and seemed unaware of it. This is curious because Larry specifically told me that he had sent all of this to McGilvray. I have to wonder if that was another lie and if so what would be the motive. Because of what Larry said I have not completed the form I was sent from the Federal Employees Insurance office. I better get on that as Larry is still not proving to be trustworthy. This is just another in a long line of his mistruths. Whether it was intentional or not I don’t know but I directly told McGilvray Larry said he sent this to him and Jim was specific in stating he didn’t know anything about it. I now have to wonder if there were any other insurance policies I haven’t been told about. I will E mail this to my attorney now.

Just checked this journal to get the dates on this insurance policy. We received the letter about it on the 6th of this month. I called Larry and Virginia this Monday the 8th.
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1:00 – I just talked to Sally Edwards, the attorney who I found for Wayne’s disability claim with Social Security. Bill, another person with MS fighting to get disability, had told me that she was in great pain due to a pinched sciatic nerve so was having problems keeping up with things. Sally told me that she was doing better because she was getting electronic traction. We had a good talk. She is quite a woman who takes only MS cases because her husband had died of MS. Things are under way and I will be sending as much medical information as I can to help her. The thing is I was going to do this before and as often happens it vanished from my mind. I better get on it now before I forget again. Still not moving to fast but getting some phone calls made.

I called the number on the Federal Employees’ Group Insurance and talked to the lady handling the case. She told me that She did not need the death certificate of Lee’s first husband, only Rudy’s. That will make things much easier. Time to get to work on these things before I get distracted and they vanish again.

1:26 - I’m pretty slow now. Down to a four. Dizzy and having a hard time sorting things in my head. Need to focus on just one thing. I choose to get Wayne’s medical records together.

That didn’t work. It’s a partial seizure. Down to a 3 now. Will grab a sandwich and go to bed. Maybe just go to bed.

Laying down doesn’t work. Wide awake and can’t stand watching the ceiling. Tried the television but too much noise and things to process. So I will just look at blogs as I can do that at my own pace which is real slow. Frustrating to be a vegetable. The sandwich tasted bad but my taste buds don’t always work well. This sucks.

Improvement is always good

5/11/06 Thursday
7:30 – I seem to be much better this morning than I was yesterday. No headache and the brain is working at an 8 on the Bob scale. I love it when I don’t have to look at the keys to type and these fingers dance on the board.






Last night Cherie worked with me on the Love Story. It is so strange to not remember key events in my life. Fact is some of it Cherie had a hard time remembering also. One of the areas we are both unsure of is the year I fell from a tree, breaking my neck, back, and sustaining the brain injury that caused the personality change leading to our divorce. I was amazed when Cherie told me we had been planning to move back to Texas. That was why we had let go of our apartment (Which I also didn’t remember) and moved in with her grandparents.

One of the other things I changed was not due to a lack of memory. We all have a tendency to tell a story that puts us in the best light or works to justify an action. This I did. When you tell a story one way for a period of time it becomes the truth to you, at least in your mind. I corrected that in this story. I have been placing all the blame for my second divorce on the second wife. The truth of the matter is I was no better than she was when it came to infidelity, in fact I was worse.

Honesty and truthfulness have no favorites and often reveal things one would like to keep hidden. It is not hard to tell the truth about someone else despite it revealing unpleasant things about them. However to shine that spotlight of the truth on yourself can be equally unpleasant. When I woke up from my coma and spent the next year determining the philosophy and principles I would live by, being honest and straightforward was high on the list. That has caused many problems and I have been learning how to temper that. If I think someone’s clothes are ugly I won’t rush to tell them as I perhaps would have. This is the Social Skills area that was damaged with my TBI. It is not uncommon with Traumatic Brain Injury survivors to have this problem and makes things hard for them when those around them do not understand this.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the Love Story will be finished and published on both of my blogs soon. It will be honest and one of the most fantastic love stories that you have heard. The kind of story fiction writers come up with only it is real and still going on. Yeah I know, I am biased but that’s OK. I get to live a dream that you could only find in romance novels and chick flicks. Works for me and Cherie too.

As you can tell I am doing well this morning. How can you tell? Cause I run on and write much more prolifically. I suppose I should take advantage of this time of lucidity and get some stuff done. Breakfast would be a good start. The last few days all I ate was dinner cause I didn’t think of eating or if I did I promptly forgot. So good morning folks. Stay tuned for more action in the fascinating life of Bob. (yeah I know I’m delusional but it sounds good. There’s not really much “action”)

Today I take Wayne to the monthly MS luncheon. That is always good for him and I enjoy it too. Not only does it help me understand better how to help Wayne but I am accepted there. Being accepted is nice, especially after the pain of being rejected by the good, compassionate, loving Christians at the Cedar Creek church. (Sarcasm intended) If you don’t practice what you preach I don’t have much for you.

After that Wayne goes for day two of his infusion therapy for his MS. We must watch his blood sugar closely on this. He is worrying about this and expects the worst. Hard to keep him positive. I should call him this morning to see how he is doing.
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1:40 – I am now at MUO with Wayne. He is still worrying about these infusions. His blood sugar did go up to 375 which is close to the limit. Wayne complained incessantly about having to pee every twenty minutes and not being able to sleep. He would repeat what he said again and again despite my asking him to find something else to talk about. He would be quiet for a while and start back in on it.

I got him to the MS luncheon a few minutes late. All the chairs were full so everyone slid over to make room for us. The MS luncheon was pretty good. It has grown and I suspect will continue to. They covered several subjects from how friends and family shy away from you to depression. Someone asked Denise if she could get E mail and she said her computer was messed up. I offered to look at it and she seemed surprised someone would do that.

Later Denise had to get up and leave. At first Wayne thought she wanted to go out and smoke a cigarette but I could tell she was bothered. She didn’t bring her walker in so I told her to go ahead and take Wayne’s and I would bring it back in. She didn’t so that was OK. Janet or one of the other women who is involved with the MS group went out after Denise did. She came back in and looking at me said to everyone “When you leave talk to Denise. She is having a hard time and is crying. She doesn’t think she can cry in front of all of us. That’s what we’re here for”.

Here is Denise and Wayne at last years Christmas party for those who attend the MS luncheon support group This definitely caught my attention. Denise is the lady who has impressed me with her spirit in the face of her advanced MS. Her tremors make it almost impossible for her to do some basic tasks such as drinking out of a cup. I have admired and made note of her bravery in this journal but this brings up the deep pain and despair she hides with that bravery.

It was getting close to the time we had to leave in order for Wayne to make his appointment at MUO. As we went out the door Denise was sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette. Wayne started to try and joke with her but that was definitely not working. I sat down next to her and asked a question that made it easy for her to open up. It didn’t take much.

Denise just started balling and when she tried to stop from embarrassment I put my arm around her shoulder and told her “It’s OK Denise, it’s good to cry, it will help”. I listened as she revealed her pains. How her husband had told her to get the F out because she had MS, how she had tried to commit suicide, how she was 42 years old and living at home with her parents. There was much more inside that she will need time to get out. Her pain is deep, her hope is gone, her life has no value, at least in her view. There is much need here and my heart goes out, it is touched as I shared her pain and felt the anguish that overwhelms her soul.

As she told me how they had broke down the door of her bathroom after she had taken all the pills she could find and drunk them down with a bottle of booze she said “Why did they have to do that? It was so peaceful. Why did they have to bring me back”. Her anguish was overwhelming and the despair wept out of her voice. I talked with Denise as I searched for what to say. I told her “Denise, one of the things that has helped me is to help others. It gives my life meaning. It gives it value. I will come to see you Friday to look at your computer and talk with you for a bit”. She was grateful and said “Really? You’d do that? That would be good”.

Others started coming out of the luncheon then. They would give hugs to Denise as they walked by. Bill, the Harley rider, stopped to talk to me about his Social Security claim. Evidently the lawyer in Kentucky has some health problems that are making it hard for her to do her job. This is not good news as she is the same lawyer I got for Wayne. I need to check on that. So much.

Getting in the car Wayne looked at me and said “How are you going to go to Texas when so many people need you?” That is a hard question. As I work to insure those I care for are not going to be neglected when we leave more come in whom I can have an impact on. It is hard for me to walk by someone with a need when I can help them. It’s like seeing someone drowning and not throwing them the life preserver that is on the railing next to you. Many can do this but I can’t. It’s not in me. My life is a gift and if I keep that to myself the gift becomes a curse.

I think I will stop writing for a while and ponder all of this.
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8:00 – I was pretty tired by the time I got home. Wayne was feeling better about his steroid infusion because he talked to some at the MS luncheon who had been through it. They conveyed how it helped give them energy and reduced their pain. After he got done I stopped at Kroger and ran in to pick up a couple dozen eggs for him on the way to his apartment.

I have been sharp all day long which I am always grateful for. Fred called me when I got home and asked me to please come down to see him. What is it now I thought cause I could hear his frustration in his voice. He had called Wells Fargo about his not having a payment book. This is the same thing he had talked to the finance manager at Ed Schmidt. Now he is all worked up. “Look at this number” he told me pointing to the ten or twelve digit account number he had written across his pad with the last numbers trailing down the side because he ran out of room. “Can you believe that? They told me they don’t have payment books. She said they would send out a monthly statement. I’m going to have to make two payments in one month. Their going to mess up my bank statement” Fred ran on.

“Great” I thought “How do I settle him down?”. That was the magic question. My tolerance had reached its limit earlier while I was taking Wayne home. He had gotten on his “I feel bad I inconvenience you. I wish I could pay you for what you do. I’m such a burden” thing that always drives me up a wall. If it wasn’t constant it wouldn’t be so bad but Wayne just doesn’t get it no matter how many times I tell him. I stopped the car at a stop sign and just sat there listening to him run on and on with his “I’m not worth it” pity party. He didn’t figure it out till after about five minutes of sitting in the car and not moving I said “Wayne, I’m not moving till you shut the F… up. We’ve gone through this before. I told you I help because I want to and enjoy it so let it go”. Wayne got the message.

Now I have to deal with Fred. Fred is a very different situation but it was hard for me to not let my frustration show. I tried to explain the same thing the finance manager at Ed Schmidt did with little luck. Fred went on about how he gets his bank statement on the seventeenth and he was going to be late with his payment. “I’m never late. I pay all my bills on the first of the month, you know that” he stressed. “Fred, the payment isn’t due till the 29th and that’s twenty days away” I started but he let me know it was nineteen days not twenty. “Fred just pretend it’s the first of the month. It will work out just the same. One day will not make a difference and Wells Fargo isn’t worried”. That didn’t work either. Finally I told him “Fred I know you don’t like it but this is the way it is. You have to live with it. It works out Fred. You make one payment a month”. He said he would go to Ed Schmidt and give them a piece of his mind so I gave up. I told him that wouldn’t change anything. “Just let me know when your statement comes in and I will check it over for you to make sure it is right. Yes, I’ll print up some mailing labels for you when it comes” I said as I escaped through his door.

Cherie came home and warmed up some of the Mexican lasagna I invented. Fred called while we were eating. He wanted to set up a time to take him somewhere Monday. “Sure Fred, that days clear. Where do you need to go?” I asked. He said that Barb was still having problems with her Cricket cell phone so he wanted to go there and straighten them out. You regular readers will remember the several adventures we have had down there. For the rest of you just type in Cricket in the search engine at the top of this blog. One of the entries Cherie wrote because she had the privilege of accompanying me on one of these jaunts. It is hilarious and worth going back to read. I have to wonder about this and what Barb might be up to. She said she was missing calls but I have had no problem at all reaching her so something is up. At this point I will drive them there but not get involved as I did before, just stay in the background and let them deal with it. Sounds good but I’m sure they’ll drag me in.

I have a headache on the way. The new medicine the VA prescribed for this just came in. It’s says it has 100 mg of caffeine and 1 mg of something called Ergotamine. That seems strange to me. Hope it doesn’t keep me up all night. I just took two like the directions said so will find out. The VA is known to try all the cheapest medication they can to avoid having to give out the good stuff. I don’t care if it’s cheap, just want it to work. I’ll let you know.

I think I will call it a night. The brain stayed sharp all day and other than being tired I am still doing well. Night all.

I checked my E mail when I went to post this and there was one from my son Bruce. He has always been close about what goes on there and gave the impression that there was little danger. I had ended my last E mail with I love you, stay safe. His reply said that he was trying but “Incoming made it difficult”. That and the fact that the little girl, who’s picture is on an earlier post, perhaps yesterday, was hit by shrapnel from a mortar attack on the compound reveals a little of what goes on. I am sure he will be more open when he comes home but I have to respect his not wanting to worry us stateside. Of course I wouldn’t be surprised if he is discouraged from talking about it as well.

Rough start

5/10/06 Wednesday
This is a rough morning. Woke up groggy and with a headache. I have a busy day scheduled. It starts with me getting Wayne to MUO to start his battery of steroid infusions. That is at 10:00 and I am to get Barb to a church in Sylvania by 11:30. It will be cutting things close as I have no idea how long it will take with Wayne. Hopefully this headache will go away. I am only running about a 5 on the Bob scale.

Cherie has some misgivings about the love story as she is not sure how her parents will take things. I told her to let me know what she has problems with and I will try to make it acceptable. My main criteria is that everything be accurate and the truth. Part of the problem is that everyone will view an event from their own perspective. Thus two people will draw very different conclusions from the same event. Usually we will interpret an event so we were doing the right and noble thing, to put us in a good light.

I will be leaving in an hour. Cherie is fixing to go to work so I must take a break to give her, her morning hug and kiss send off with a laugh mixed in. I love to see her laugh. It is harder for me to get her to laugh when I feel this bad.
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10:07 – I am at MUO now. They said it will take about an hour to do this procedure. That will be cutting things close. This is a hard day, one of the ones where I get lost. I have been to MUO dozens of times but today nothing looked familiar. I was uncertain of the correct street to turn on because all the buildings at the corner looked out of place. I remembered the name of the street but not how things looked. I explained to Wayne that I was not doing well and had a headache so he would understand my being curt and not wanting to talk. As I sit in this waiting room the sound of the television and people talking makes it hard for me to formulate these sentences. My right leg is also not functioning well as is often the case when I am slow.

11:24 – I am still not doing well. Went outside to call Barb and tell her I was running late because they still had Wayne hooked up for his infusion. She said Fred had been calling so I called him. Ed Schmidt needs me to drop by so they can get the number of the remote control.

NCIS’s show is portraying a traumatic brain injury. We saw a portion of it last night as the lead guy woke from a coma. He was confused and didn’t remember things. Wow, Déjà vu here. Traumatic Brain Injury is starting to get recognition and you see it showing up more on television and in movies. Fifty First Dates is a movie that portrays a man with short term memory loss. Another one is called Memento.

12:14 – I dropped Wayne off and called Barb, telling her to be outside and ready. I slid up to her apartment and took off as soon as she got the door closed asking her if she knew where this church was I was taking her to as I spun the car back the direction I had come. “It’s on Erie. I think that is what Monroe turns into when we get to Sylvania” she told me. When I told her we would be late she said she had called and we would have time. I broke a few laws getting there but I’ve had a lifetime of practice getting there faster than I should.

Barb received two bags of cleaning supplies at this church in Sylvania. Fred had called her several times already and called as we were driving away. “Trilby church? No I don’t want to go there” I heard Barb say as she began to argue with Fred. She hung up and laughed telling me “That cheap ass. I don’t want to go to Trilby. All they have is macaroni and cheese and other high starch stuff. I need to lose weight”. Understand she operates at a ten year old level much of the time and her voice has the inflections you would hear out of a child.

As I drove her home she talked about things going on. Her brother, Bill, started calling her out of the blue. I wondered if he was wanting something out of her as that is when he usually calls. Other than that she doesn’t hear from him and he won’t return her calls. He wanted her to switch her cell phone company to the one he uses. I’d bet he will get some kind of incentive for that. Who knows. He is a long term alcoholic who will go through periods where he won’t drink but always goes back to it. Selfishness is a big part of most alcoholics as they take care of themselves and will make no sacrifice for others unless there is something in it for themselves. I know a few like that. One reads this blog regularly.

I went to Ed Schmidt after I got Barb home. There I found JD and watched as he searched for a remote that matches the one for Fred’s Buick. It took a while but he finally came across one at the bottom of the box. He had me take it to the back where they programmed it for the car. I asked about the key that was supposed to be made and got the usual confusion. When they called JD and learned that Greg, the site manager, wanted this done there was movement. A key blank was found and cut in short order.

With all done that I needed done I came home. It has been a hard day with the migraine making driving tough due to my sensitivity to light. It is cloudy out so I didn’t take my sunglasses but if I did I would have been wearing them. I didn’t eat today so I will make a sandwich. My brain is now operating at a 7 on the Bob scale and the headache has faded to manageable levels.
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8:00 – So much for that. The headache had a revival meeting and the preacher is screaming to the choir in my head as they beat drums. It has been a hard day and when I thought things would clear up they came back. Oh well. I got stuff done so I can feel good about that. Running slow still and having a hard time walking. Frustrating to say the least. The weather turned bad with a low pressure system bringing lots of rain. It is supposed to be like this till Friday. Wonder if that contributes to this slow down.

I am sure I had something I needed to do but don’t remember what. Regardless I don’t feel up to doing much. Think I will go blogging and call it a night.

I just came to check my E mail and blog as I usually do before I retire for the night. I got an E mail from my son Bruce in Iraq. In it he included this picture of a girl who had been injured in a mortar attack at the compound there she was in. I am proud of Bruce and wonder that he turned out so good despite all the personal problems I had.
I suppose I showed him first hand how not to act. He is a sheriffs deputy who works in the county jail when he is not fighting in Iraq. Glad he wasn’t at the jail when I was a unwilling guest. That would have been embarrassing. I can just imagine it. “Oh hi son”. “hi dad, will you go to your bunk for count time”. Glad that didn’t happen. Here’s the picture.
Good night. I'll see ya tomorrow

Good start, warm day

5/9/06 Tuesday
Not a bad start for the morning. Running about a six on the Bob scale when I woke up but that has moved up to an 8. I got an E mail from Linda, a fellow survivor of Traumatic Brain Injury. She is going through some difficulties and her brain injury makes it harder to deal with. Depression is a common problem we have to fight. I wrote her back with the hope of encouraging her. One of her issues is having to fight the insurance company for coverage of her care. I don’t know the details but I know insurance companies. They usually have some bureaucratic dweeb who’s job is to try to save his company money. Unfortunately that often involves screwing the person who needs what they paid insurance premiums for. This is one of the reasons my Congresswoman, Marcy Kaptur, sponsored a bill recognizing TBI as a disability under the ADA (American Disability Act ?)

This morning Fred wants to go to Ed Schmidt to see if the key for his car came in and to make sure his plates were properly transferred. I told him he had signed a form authorizing them to do it for him but he didn’t get it. No problem.

I will cook dinner again tonight. I am always glad when Cherie asks me to do things and she is getting better at doing that. I fixed an egg McMuffin this morning so at least I ate. Hope McDonalds doesn’t sue me for using the McMuffin name but it pretty much describes what I cooked. That and a couple cups of coffee and I am good to go.

I E mailed the Love Story to Cherie at work so she can fix the errors I made in it. That is a problem with losing your memory is what you can recall is sometimes not quite accurate. That is one of the reasons I interview people who knew me to get the right story or in some cases just to learn what I can’t remember at all. I will probably always be doing that.

I will be leaving with Fred soon so will go ahead and post this. Stay tuned because I will add to this post as the day goes by, providing of course that I am still doing good.

OK maybe not. The server for my blogs seems to be down. I’ll have to wait till it comes up again.

12:00 – Just got back with Fred. He is acting his age today. Blogger seems to be having difficulties. At least it doesn’t say the server is not available but it is loading pretty slow.

Fred was having a hard time understanding things at Ed Schmidt. JD the salesman wasn’t in so we talked to Greg the manager. He took us to the financial manager because Fred was upset his payment book hadn’t come yet. It has only been ten days since he bought the car. Fred went on about how this would mess up his checking account because he always gets his checks out on the first of the month. His first payment isn’t due till the 29th, which is twenty days away. We both tried to explain that he had plenty of time but it didn’t seem to sink in. Then he was assured he would not have to pay a late charge so that settled him down.

We checked to see if the key and remote for the car had come in and it seems there is no order for it at wherever they make them. “I’m tired of this shit. I’m going to talk to Greg” Fred let everyone know. I sheepishly shrugged my shoulders from behind Fred to let the service manager know I sympathized with him. Then I took Fred back to see Greg. Greg got right on it and we both had to settle Fred down and assure him it would be taken care of. “Don’t worry Fred. I will come down here tomorrow and make sure it is done” I told him. We both shook Greg’s hand and left.

Alright!! Now it’s phase two of the Fred chronicles. He had mentioned he wanted to go to Kasmiers grocery but when I asked “You ready to go to Kasmiers?” Fred got confused. “You said you have to get gas” he told me so I let him know I can do that anytime. So off to the grocery store we went.

This was a nothing is good enough or cheap enough shopping trip. Fred wanted to peer at everything no matter what. I patiently explained what he was looking at but he would spend his time peering at things he doesn’t need or want. This includes the tampax isle. “Fred that’s all women’s stuff. You don’t want anything here” I would tell him and he would promptly pick up a box of Tampons and say “What is this?”.

He got tired to my relief so I got him through the check out and home. Glad it’s done. I think I will go visit Allen now
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Here is a picture of one of the reasons Allen is in so much pain. He is a member of the Pyrotechnics Guild, which is for those who build professional level fireworks. One of the ten inch shells accidently went off flingin Allen over a pick up truck which was also moved sideways four feet from the blast. His body was peppered with rocks and debris.

Allen was much better this time, at least from the standpoint of being more settled down. He was however in pain, holding his stomach as his face knotted up. “I’ll be glad when we get you approved for Medicaid so a doctor can look at that” I told him. He sat there smoking cigarette after cigarette most of the time I was there. I helped him get some stuff done that required bending over waist high. That hurt me a lot. I’ve broke my neck three times and my back once so the pain level can be high. Getting that done we watched The Hunt For Red October on his satellite. We didn’t talk much so I went ahead and left when the movie was over.

Now what do I fix for dinner? First I look in the fridge to take stock of what we have. We have tortillas, some fajita stuff from a restaurant we ate at, cheese, and the two chicken thighs left over from last night. What else is there? Oh! Here’s some of that Thai fish sauce and curry paste. OK Houston! We are having Mexican Lasagna. I got the casserole dish out and cut up onion and red pepper, mixing it with the chicken I had deboned and cut up. Pouring some olive oil and fish sauce in a wok I stir fried all of this. Then I layered this mix with tortilla shells, cheese, and some salsa. Into the oven it goes for forty five minutes at 350. We must wait till it comes out to see if it is edible.

Then I mixed up some guacamole with the two avocados that were going bad in the fridge. Not bad, I better call Cherie and have her pick up some chips on the way home. What else do we need to use up? Here’s some broccoli and carrots along with veggie dip. Cool, now we have a four course appetizer.

Dinner was great and we finished with the last of the strawberry cream pie I bought yesterday. No wonder I’m getting fat.

Right now my back pain is too much to remain at this computer. I will have to lay down. This brings concern about what I will be able to do in Texas.

It's hard to be a friend

5/8/06 Monday
Good morning. Hope y’all doing fine. Just got off the phone with my brother. I called him regarding a letter we got from the Federal Employee’s life insurance about an insurance policy on Lee. They request death certificates and a bunch of other stuff to determine if Larry and I are the beneficiaries. He wasn’t very conversational which doesn’t surprise me. If he would bother to talk things would have been figured out much quicker on the estate I think. Still doesn’t have a regular job and does contract work when he can find it.

I called Virginia just before that. She was busy doing payroll at her job so couldn’t visit much. There were three tornadoes out her way along with some pretty big hail. Virginia said that some of it went through the roofs of some trailer houses. That is a strong incentive for us to put in a cellar and carport.

Cherie’s new hours start today. She goes in at 9:00 instead of 8:00 which she loves as she was always pushing to get to work on time. She won’t be home till 6:00 but that’s fine. I cook dinner tonight. Got some chicken that needs to be cooked. Fred needs to go to the bank this morning and I will be taking Wayne to see his doctor at 2:00. There is something I need the doctor to do but I can’t remember what. Hopefully it will come to mind before then. This morning my brain is working at a 7 on the Bob scale but I have the ears ringing dizzy thing going on at the moment. Not a good sign but sometimes it just goes away. Other times it is a precursor to a slow down.

Yesterday I went and visited Allen. It can be hard to be a friend. He was flying and hard to talk with. I asked if he had taken some “medicine” (pain pills) and he said no. If he wasn’t he has some mental health issues. All I know is he would fixate on whatever he talked about and would wring it out till there was nothing left and still go. I had to tell him he was overloading me with information with little effect. Allen has a degree in marine biology and has a collection of shark teeth fossils that is impressive. He would hand me a tooth explaining what kind of extinct species it came from and then hand me another, each time giving me a dissertation. My hand would fill up so I would hand them back only to end up with another handful. He did this nonstop despite my telling him it was enough.

I helped him clean some things up but even that was hard. Allen is obsessive compulsive and everything has to be perfect. I took my camera with me to take pictures of his collection of knives and stuff. When I went to take pictures of some woodworking I had helped him do in the woodshop I had six years ago he tried to tell me how to do it.
Trying to get the camera from me to show me how to use it I told him “No”. With out blinking he kept on saying “Just let me show you how to do it? Use your Zoom”. I let him know I had taken hundreds of pictures with this camera and knew how to use it. He kept on. On the fifth NO I got pissed. “Allen, I’ve told you NO five times now. When I say NO I mean No so back off” he heard from me in no uncertain terms. This slowed him down though he expressed that he was just trying to help and couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset.


Here are just a few pictures of his stuff. He likes his dragons and the knives are all numbered collectors items. I made the two maple wall mounts with the antlers on them back in the days I was healthy.

Allen is a fascinating person who worked hard all his life and learned to be self sufficient long ago. Here is the wood he has stocked up for next winter. He heats entirely with wood in a wood burner he made from two 55 gallon drums. I want to make it clear that his problems with pain medication are as justified as they can get. His pain is severe and constant from many injuries as well as hard labor. He never sought medical help because of pride and no insurance. I am in the process of getting that fixed.

Just got back from taking Fred to the bank. He reminded me I was to take Barb to a church in Sylvania. I had not put that in my calendar and had forgotten as I do so it was good he brought it up. Called Barb to confirm things and it will be a squeeze because I just scheduled Wayne for his three days of infusions he is getting for the MS.

It is 12:00 now so I suppose I should fix breakfast.
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It is 12:00 now so I suppose I should fix breakfast.

Never fixed breakfast. Forgot as I often do. When you seldom feel the sensation of hunger it is important to make sure you eat. Add short term memory loss to that and it is a wonder I am overweight.

It’s 2:00 now and I am at Dr. Rowan’s with Wayne. Wayne is fixating on whatever could possibly go wrong. It was the Aid’s test the doctor at MUO ordered and he worried that to death till I jumped down his throat “Wayne you have to control this. All your talking about is how scared you are you might have Aids”. “I can’t help it” he said so I told him he could, just had to force his mind to think about something else. I asked him “Who have you been with the last ten years?” and helped him understand he was being unrealistic because his lifestyle really didn’t put him at risk. Now Wayne is worrying himself over possible complications with the three day steroid infusion he will be taking this week. The doc said it could affect his diabetes so he would have to check his sugar four times a week. Wayne was talking about going into a diabetic coma so I reassured him the best I can. Wayne did thank me for getting tough over the Aids thing last week. He said it helped him wake up.

Now it is 4:00. I am not doing so well. Getting confused easily, tired, and have no patience. The cats incessant meows for attention are eliciting “Shut up” responses from me. Just got back from driving Wayne around. He gabbed and gabbed to the nurses at the doctors office. I could hear him from the waiting room. At first I put my hat on thinking he would be coming out any second. Not going to happen. I resisted going up to the window and telling him “Let’s go” because I know he doesn’t get to talk to people much. Took him to the grocery store where I rushed him to make a decision on what kind of baloney to buy. I felt bad about this impatience but that didn’t change things. Got Wayne’s food, took him home, and came straight home myself. My typing speed tells me I am running a 5 now on the Bob scale. Headache is moving up now. Think I’ll take some aspirin and a Tramadol and go to bed. The ears are ringing more. So much it is hard to hear out of the right one.

I am supposed to cook dinner tonight. Better get that figured out while I am still good enough to do so. Might be a rough evening. Never did eat.
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This is a rough one. I remembered Cherie had asked me to pick up a few things at the store. Of course that is after I took Wayne shopping. I just got back from Kroger where I picked up what was on the small list. It was hard to do. I am pretty dizzy and had to hang on to the shopping cart. Times like this are when I handle lots of sound and activity poorly. Glad the list was short. I went through the self check out line so I won’t have to deal with people. Forgot to take the aspirin and Tramadol so just did. Got the chicken in the oven and set the timer because I know I won’t remember I have something in the oven. It is hard to write because my thoughts get mixed up. Went ahead and took my second seizure pill a little early.

I think I will lay down and watch the Toledo news. City councilman Bob McCloskey just got convicted of bribery so will go to prison. The Father Robinson trial continues. For those of you not up on this he is a Catholic priest on trial for the ritualistic murder of a nun. She was stabbed some thirty two times with some of the wounds in the shape of an upside down cross. Texas promises to be much more sedate. That will be good for me as stress amplifies the effects of my brain injury.

7:19 We had dinner. It was pretty good. The headache has reached migraine level and I am running at a 4 on the Bob scale. Glad this happened at the end of the day or I should say when I got done helping Fred and Wayne. Cherie understands how this gets and that is a big help. We both depend on each other and would be lost without our companionship. Typing is real slow now. I’ll call it a night now.

Funerals bring thoughts

I am now keeping essentially two journals. It’s all in the same place on this laptop, just divided into two sections. One I will publish on the blog and the other that serves as a memory and documentation of my daily life. Part of that is not politically correct with some but I realized that in only writing what others will accept in my journal I defeat one of the purposes for keeping it. That is to use it as a key to unlock memories years from now. Perhaps I will publish the rest at a later date.

Now on to what I will put in the blog. Yesterday we went to the showing of Cherie’s aunt who died in Florida. This is a time when family members come from all around the country. It is a family reunion of sorts. “Oh my, is that you? The last time I saw you, you were this big” Cherie said holding her hand just above knee level as she addressed a kid who was 6’ 5” tall. There was a constant amazement on the part of all as they didn’t quite recognize someone they hadn’t seen in decades. Lots of “Oh my God” with hugs of amazement. Then they would catch up and also recount tales from the past. There was a laptop set up which had some two hundred plus pictures in it. It was cool as the pictures would change about every five seconds or so with it slowly zooming in or move on each picture. Groups would sit and watch, reliving the memories these pictures stirred up of Aunt Mackey. (The deceased) “Oh look. That’s a good picture. There’s (whoever was in the picture. They are all strangers to me). Remember when…”

As I watched I reflected on how this is something I will never really experience. There are few memories I have. Family reunions were never mentioned or thought of that I can remember. Do I have any cousins on my dad’s side of the family? I don’t have a clue. I am sure there must be one somewhere. The relations on my grandmothers side are there but I really don’t know many of them. I know I met several when I went to live with my grandmother but don’t really recall them. This is part of the loss from the brain damage but is mostly due to my not being around.



I have no childhood friends because of the constant moving I have experienced my entire life. At two years of age my mother sold me to my dad’s mother. At around five or six years old my father shows up with my stepmother and took my brother and I away.




The next ten years we lived in Dayton, Ohio, Spain, England, Florida, and San Antonio. I left home at fourteen and was sent to live with my grandmother, Minnie Lee (The one I inherited the farm from) At seventeen I joined the military service at the strong “encouragement” of a judge. (Do it or go to prison) At nineteen I went to prison. I came back to Minnie Lee’s for a year after my release and then went to Bible College in Dallas. It was there I met Cherie. I was married to Cherie six days before my 22nd birthday. We moved to Toledo about a year later. I have been in this area longer than I have been anywhere in my life with only a short jaunt to Colorado for a couple of years.

So I have no long term relationships. I am a stranger to my father, my sister, and to a lesser degree my brother. I talked of this with Cherie’s mom at the funeral home. She said “You were robbed of your childhood”. No argument there. I had a childhood but to say it was unsettled would be an understatement.

Despite our twenty year separation I have known Cherie longer than anyone else. We are only on our eighth year of living together counting the five years before the divorce and the three years since I woke from the coma but it seems like we were never apart. I suppose I would be stretching a bit here. I’ve known my father from the time he picked me up from my grandmother on his side but I left home eight years later. We barely talked since then. No wonder I was a wild child.

As I watched Cherie’s family join together for this funeral I was a little jealous. Going to Texas may give me a chance to meet family I don’t really know. There are a few I know on Minnie Lee’s side. My uncles, Troy and Delmer are two. Virginia is my second cousin and I know her better than anyone else in that side of the family because she was the one who took care of Minnie Lee and was executor of the estate. I also hope to renew (perhaps restore would be a better word) my relationship with my sister Robin and my father and step mom. My father is a long shot but I have never been daunted by the impossible.

We go to the funeral service today at noon. After there will be a dinner at some restaurant that holds memories for this family. Not sure what just overheard a comment about it. I didn’t really mix much yesterday, preferring the safety of solitude. It’s not that I hid I just stayed by Cherie’s side so she could introduce me. I am sure most were aware of me though there is no telling what they heard. Some of it would have been from the divorce twenty years ago. Everyone was real friendly and accepting. I detected no animosity at all. I reckon I am a little self conscious.
I took lots of pictures at the funeral home and had someone take one of Cherie and I. It came out pretty good I think.


I had a chance to sit and talk with Mom for maybe ten minutes. We covered a lot. I told her our dreams for the farm, how I was going to build it with getting old in mind. “I’ve watched many get old. I see the problems you and Ted have, I saw what my grandmother went through. I’m going to build this farm with that in mind. The house will be designed to work with us twenty years from now. We’re going to make it self sufficient so we can afford to live comfortably. It’s all going to be one level. Everything will be set because Cherie and I intend to grow old there together” I began.
I hope this reassures her that her daughter is in good hands and I hope she can relay that to dad. He had little to say and I would look up to find him just looking at me. Couldn’t decipher what was in his mind cause I don’t have the mind reading thing down yet but he didn’t look real cheerful. Of course it’s a funeral so that’s to be expected.

Time to post this. Be back with more, maybe. Knowing me I will get busy and forget.

Today we go to a funeral. Cherie's great Aunt.
There won't be much of a post today. I was asked not to publish what I wrote in my journal. Freedom of speech is not allowed in some quarters, neither is honesty. So I will put pictures my son in Iraq has been sending me. By the way, the Muslim got rid of the coke whore, or at least I think so. There is someone living in his broken down van in the parking lot. He no longer has much to say to me which works out well.

Off and running early

These paintings are by my favorite artist, Beverly Dolittle. I hope she doesn't mind me posting them. Click on it to enlarge for there are always images hidden in them

4/5/06 Friday
It’s another bright morning. Woke up well, running a 7 on the Bob scale. We will see if that continues through the day. I need to call Jeff to make sure we will meet its morning. Then I will take Barb and perhaps some of the others in her complex to Pilgrim Church for the “Feed your neighbor” program.

Just got back from the breakfast with Jeff. I just talked about Texas, our hopes and dreams and what we will have to do. Because Jeff runs the Temp agency Cherie works through he would appreciate knowing when Cherie will be leaving. We don’t know for sure at this moment. There is much to do.

Time to go pick up Barb. I may go visit Allen when I get done with that. He went to family services yesterday so I want to check on that because it is through them he will get medical help. Got to go now.
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12:52 - I’m at the Pilgrim Church now. This time I took a total of four people. Not sure I will have room for everything in the trunk but probably will. This Buick’s got a large trunk. There is a crowd here so it will probably take a while.

Got some more written on The Love Story. It brings up memories that are now sweet. I went back to look at some of the old E mails we had exchanged when we first were carefully getting to know each other. I don’t have the first ones unfortunately. I will search in case they are hidden somewhere else. I will put some of them in the story as they say more than I could convey myself.

As you can see the girls got a fair amount of food. There were even some stuffed animals Dee picked up. When I asked her she said she was going to give them to her dog. Barb is the blond in the white T shirt. The other two women are a couple one of whom Barb met in jail. Barb told me how this woman was hitting on her at the jail. Barb did six months, for what I don’t know (probably drugs), and said the dyke (for lack of a better word. Didn’t catch her name) was in and out of jail three times in that period. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not being judgmental in talking about this, just want you to understand the people I help. Whether I approve or disapprove is irrelevant. Everyone has problems and make different lifestyle decisions. I have less sympathy for the ones who choose to continue destructive behavior without trying or wanting to improve. They reap what they sow. Anyone who desires to overcome what keeps them down will get my attention.

Here is the place these folks live. Dixie is the one out in front wearing red. She is schizophrenic. Her particular mental illness has her paranoid of germs. Barb said Dixie flushed her entire prescription down the toilet when some one touched one of the pills. They went to a restaurant and Dixie spent forty five minutes in the bathroom scrubbing her hands and then washing everything from the sink to the floor. Barb pretty much had to talk Dixie out of the bathroom by telling her that she was scaring the kids who came in.

Most of the residents here have mental health issues. There are many who don’t understand these things and look down on those who have these sort of problems. Many of these problems have roots in childhood abuses and circumstances beyond their control, others are a result of poor choices and excessive drug and alcohol use. Regardless they are people and need some help. It always gets me to hear “Christians” talk about folks with disgust, especially when the Bible has more references (Some 830) to helping the poor, maimed, infirm, weak, and downtrodden than any other subject it covers. I won’t help someone kill themselves but I will help them eat.

I took Barb to cash in her cans. She got six bucks for four large trash bags. I let her know this was the last time I would do this but I know she will collect more and talk Fred into having me do this again. That’s the way it is.

I called Allen cause he wanted me to come over and bring my grill to cook some steaks he needs to do something with. No answer so he is most likely still asleep. Gives me time to do some cleaning around the house and some writing. Stay tuned cause I may add to this post as the day progresses.

It's going to be a good day cause I said so.

5/4/06 Thursday
It’s 60 degrees this morning. Yesterday it got up to 78 degrees. That felt pretty warm to me. I suppose I will have to get used to warmer weather cause it was in the 90’s in Texas. I heard on the news this morning that there were hurricane force winds in Lubbock which isn’t far (by Texas standards) from where the farm is.

Also a ton of rain and hail in Abilene which also isn’t far away. (about a hundred twenty miles) Hail is a definite problem out there. Because I am thinking of putting a woodworking shop in the garage it would be smart to have a carport to protect the cars. As you can tell I am thinking about the farm quite a bit nowadays.

Cherie left for work and I am getting ready to go to Ann Arbor to see the doctors. Cherie is real worried as she is prone to be. She was going to take a day off work and go with me. I guess she wants to protect me. She kept focusing on how the docs had threatened to take my license all day yesterday and even this morning. “Cherie, I’m a big boy. I can handle this” I told her. She knows I get confused easily when asked questions and thinks they will trick me. My wife has few flaws. Worrying over something till it grows into a fear is one of them. Part of my job as a husband is to provide security and reassure her things will be alright. My years as a business owner help that because I always worked to instill confidence and a positive attitude in my employees. That and being a motivational speaker. Having a can do attitude has helped me when I would make myself be positive. That wasn’t always easy when I was wandering homeless and lost or being put in jail because the courts didn’t know what to do with me.

Fred just called and asked me to pick up a newspaper for him this morning before I leave for Ann Arbor. Best get moving folks cause I leave in twenty minutes. The brain is working well. Running at an 8 on the Bob scale. Hope to stay that good, at least for the doctors visits. I’ll post this and check my E mail and hit the road.
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I made it to the VA hospital with only the normal questioning of which exit to take. I’ve been coming here for maybe three years and at first would have to keep written instructions available because I would forget. Repetition helps me remember but I can still forget on rough days. I was also able to make my way to the Neurology section without asking for the first time. As always, whenever I go to someplace like this where there is more I must process I slow down a little. I would say I am down to a 5 or 6 on the Bob scale. Stress causes that. They are busy this morning so I have time to write this while I am in the waiting room. I think I will work on The Love Story. (The story of how Cherie and I met, broke up, and met again) I started writing that quite a while ago, maybe a year or more but never finished it. I looked it up last night when I remembered it existed and can see I was waxing eloquent when I wrote what is there. I promise to get it finished.

Gee, going to the doctor was not the most fun I have had. They were swamped. My first clue came when finding a parking spot was like a treasure hunt. I was working on The Love Story while waiting patiently for a doc. My cell phone rang. I answered it to hear Barb’s voice. “What are you doing May the tenth?” she asked. I asked her where she needed to go and as she started to answer the lady who does the paperwork came in and, pointing to a sign, said “You can’t use your cell phone. It’s right there on the sign”. OK. I told Barb I couldn’t talk and hung up.

Back to this laptop I continued reviewing what I had written on The Love Story and the phone rang again. Looking furtively to make sure the cell phone police weren’t watching I dared to answer it again. This time it was Allen. “Allen, I am at the hospital in Ann Arbor. I can’t talk now. I’ll call you later. With that I went back to reading the computer.

Every time I come to this hospital it brings different emotions. First of all are all the veterans. They are in varying degrees of health. Some look fine as I am sure I do, some are in wheel chairs or using walkers. Many wear badges to show what branch they were in, what war they fought in, or their pride in this country. These badges are in the form of hats, jackets, and patches, with messages or symbols that identify them. Here I am humbled. Sure I’m a veteran but I never saw action. Nobody shot at me while I was in the service. I saw more gunplay out on the street than in the service. I am grateful for all the benefits and help I get from the VA but will be the first to say I really didn’t earn it.

The other thing this hospital does for me is make me understand how lucky I am. In this neurology waiting room there are many others who also have traumatic brain injuries. (TBI) One stumbled and fell when his leg went out from under him. I rushed to help him but the nurse beat me to it. This guys wife was there in a wheelchair. She talked the whole time we were there. Her husband spends some sixteen hours a day in a wheelchair and the rest in bed. She takes care of him and is also wheelchair bound. She has survived four bouts with cancer. I loved her positive attitude. Inspirational.

They finally got me into an examination room so I settled in, knowing it would probably be a while. Getting this laptop out I resumed working on The Love Story. It was going good and I got a couple of paragraphs done when the nurse came by and seeing me on the computer stopped. “You can’t use that here. There are no wireless devices allowed. It’s on the sign in the waiting room” he admonished me. I protested that I was not online or using the wireless to no avail. Oh well. I put it up and waited patiently. (More or less)

Waiting. Waiting. Watching doctors scurry by. Watching my watch. My appointment was for 9:30 and it is approaching noon. Hope they don’t go to lunch. The nurse stopped in to apologize explaining that they were way behind because some of the previous appointments took allot longer than expected. Finally a doctor came in. She was asking questions as she looked for my file on the computer. Finding that she found who I was. Now she knows me and what problems I had. I told her “I know you guys are swamped so I’m doing the same as the last time”. My hope was to make this a quick visit but to their credit it wasn’t. She took the time to check me out and get a history on the last six months since I was here last.

I told her about how the Zomig doesn’t touch the migraines when they are bad. She asked how many migraines I had so I guessed at five a month. Suppose I should look in this journal and see. That’s one of the reasons you keep it dummy. (Me, not you guys)

She did question me closely about the seizures. I am not good at being cagey so I explained that I would slow down on occasion but had not had any “seizures” per se. Now she wants details on a slow down. What were they like, how did it affect me. I told her the analogy I came up with a few days ago about it being like having a dial up internet connection versus high speed. That seemed to satisfy her. (Big sigh of relief)

One of the things the doctor asked me was if I had someone taking care of me at home. I said yes and explained it was my first wife and that we remarried after she saw me on TV. The doctor looked at me with recognition and said “I heard about that”. I guess our story is one of those that makes the rounds. Still strange to me.

She brought another doctor in to discuss medication. They were asking things like “Have you taken a triptifan before?”.(Or something like that. Don’t remember what it was called) “I don’t have a clue what a Triptifan is” I told her. They went into an explanation that vanished from my brain as they told me. I just hope they send written info with the prescription. I have high blood pressure which contributes to migraines so they will put me on a regimen of daily medication to see if that works. She explained that it was a kind of experiment because no doctor knows how a medication will affect different people. I understand that well.

Finally, at 1:00 I am done. I called Allen from the parking lot to see what he needed. He told me that today was his appointment with Family Services so he wanted to know if I wanted to go with him. I would have like to but it was too late. I asked him to call when done and let me know what happened. Then I came home where I am writing this now. Just got here so I will check my E mail and post this entry.
I was asked to post a picture of the Buick so here it is

Good morning World!

5/3/06 Wednesday
Good morning world. Look out! I’m awake! I’m going to have a good day by golly. Why is that you say? Because I choose to have a good day regardless of what comes. Many of us don’t understand how powerful our will can be to overcome the problems surrounding us. Much of the time our problems are a direct result of the decisions we make. An alcoholic chooses to drink, a lazy man chooses to not work, and on and on. I know it is an oversimplification and there are always a crowd of reasons for the problems one has but we all decide to do things we know aren’t wise. There is a Biblical saying that holds true no matter what you believe. You reap what you sow. So decide you are going to have a good day and start making decisions the way you know they should be. Things will get better.



Well I woke up tired and worn out. Much of that is because I had a long day and I was up till 12:30 getting yesterday’s entry posted. On top of that I had the migraine. This morning I am all philosophical as you can tell from the first paragraph. I’m going to run over to Wayne’s real quick and get his medical information to take to his neurologist. Have to get it done early because I need to be here for when UPS arrives. Gotta go.
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Got that done. Picked up a paper for Fred on the way home. It is a perfect day outside, sunny and in the 70’s. Fred would like to get out and I can’t blame him but he will have to wait until UPS drops off my camera.

I was tired when I woke up and had a short burst of energy while I took care of Wayne but now I am tired again. It would probably help to eat some breakfast. I need to get better at making sure I eat.

Cherie just came home for lunch. It is always good to see her. I am still tired and even having a hard time staying awake. Suppose I should take my afternoon nap. UPS hasn’t made it here yet. I will have Cherie ring the doorbell on her way back to work to make sure it still works. They had to fix it a few months ago.

3:37 – Just got back with Fred. He had called me and asked if I would listen to a message on his machine cause he couldn’t understand what the lady said. I went down and wrote down the phone number that he was to call. We talked a bit and I walked out just in time to catch the UPS guy. He was writing another note that he had missed me. Of course. I’ve been in all day waiting and the one time I left the apartment is the exact moment he came by. I saw him through the window and rushed out to catch him. Long story short “I GOT MY CAMERA”.

I took Fred to the Dollar Tree where he knew exactly what he wanted. Other than the strawberry cookies it was all for Barb. Just some spices and honey. As we were walking out Fred asked “If I bought a steak would you cook it for me?”. “Sure Fred, I got a portable grill. I’d be happy to fix it up for you” was my reply. “I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I’ll gum the thing all day if I have to” Fred explained. We went over to K&J meat where he picked up four New York strip steaks. Two of them are for Cherie and I and one he wants me to take to Barb Friday when I take her to the church for the food handout. He also wants me to take her to turn in the aluminum cans. He told me this was the last time but when I asked if he told her that he said no. It’s twenty miles to her place and back plus whatever it comes to for driving to the recycling place. She only gets about $5.00 each time. Gas is almost three dollars a gallon so I am not happy about that. It almost costs as much to take her as she gets.

The doctors office called to tell me they were done with his medical records I had taken over. Forgot I even did it. She also asked about his appointment for the infusion that will take three days. I told her we haven’t got any paperwork or call on that. I need to get it scheduled because it will be three days. Actually this might be a good time for Wayne to use his medical cab.

I got busy doing stuff and just remembered about picking up Wayne’s paperwork. OOPs. I ran to pick up his paperwork and the letter. When I read the letter I knew it wouldn’t do. It said Wayne “may” need air conditioning and it “may” help him. This is not good enough because I know LMHA and NPI won’t do anything they don’t have to and something this vague will not work. I told the nurse this so she went back and talked to the doctor. Coming back the nurse said to wait and the doc will redo the letter. It was much better so I am off now.

I stopped by Kroger to pick up some eggs for the flan I am planning on making. Now I a making mashed potatoes. Fred will love these cause I make some good mashed potatoes.

Well the mashed potatoes sucked. I tried to heat them up in the microwave after I skinned them. That didn’t work well. The outer part of the potatoes were tough resulting in chunks that were not fun to chew. Cherie tried to help them while I cooked the steaks outside on the grill. I called up Fred to see how he liked his steak. Come to find out he had been expecting the steak right after Cherie came home. Oh well. I know he will like the steak but I am curious to hear what he says about the potatoes. I like straightforward honesty but know it is not a popular concept.

Tomorrow I go to the VA hospital in Ann Arbor to meet with the neurologists. This always makes me nervous. These doctors are the ones who will take my driving privileges away if they think that the partial seizures are a threat. I learned not to use the term “partial seizure” and instead say “slow down”. It is a thin line to walk. They are my doctors and I need to be up front with them so they can make good decisions regarding my health but I don’t want to lose my license.

I think I will call it a night now.

I'm tired now. Got lots done

5/2/06 Tuesday
It’s a rainy morning. I will start off taking Fred to Firestone to bitch about them doing a crap job on his Cadillac and see if he can get a refund for it. Time to write the letter.
Never got the letter wrote. Not unusual for me and part of this TBI. If I don’t focus and complete a job I will forget about it. I also forgot to eat but at least I remembered to take my seizure pill. Forgot that yesterday.

I took Fred to Firestone at 10:30. It went well. I was expecting a big conflict with them trying to get out of refunding Fred’s money. So did Fred. Walking in I could see the recognition in the manager’s eyes. We have been here many times and Fred can make sure folks are aware of him.

I walked up to the counter as Fred was saying “You talk to them Bob, you do all the talking”. “We have a problem” I said trying to look friendly. (I have learned some social skills since I woke up. It took a while to figure out nice works well most of the time) I concisely out lined the issues and laid out the documentation from Ed Schmidt’s service manager showing what was done wrong and including the Cadillac service bulletin regarding the injectors.

The manager briefly studied the material as I watched the wheels turning in his head. He wasn’t happy but I didn’t expect him to clap with ecstatic joy. There was no argument or even questioning from him. He made copies of the material and issued a full credit on the spot. When he brought a copy for Fred to sign Fred was at first looking for a problem mumbling about “They better pay me all of it”. I explained “Fred, they did you right. This is a full refund. It’s taken care of”. I then made sure he understood the credit would come on his next monthly statement but will probably have to remind him of that later.

After that I took Fred to the dollar store so he could get some Mother’s Day and birthday cards. Fred is good about doing stuff like that. I never think of it. This is always fun to do. First I asked him who the cards were for. This way I could key in to what section of cards to look at. The mothers day cards were for friends so that called for something a little generic. The next step is to start picking out cards, explaining what the picture was, and reading the card out loud. I always get a kinda perverse pleasure out of this when others are around. Picture a forty plus old man reading “You’re the best mother in the world” loudly to an 89 year old man. That’s got to cause a moment of “What!?” to the casual eavesdropper. From Mother’s Day we went to birthday cards. Fred wanted two, one for his friend Helen and the other for a guy he knows. As I start to pick out and read cards for Helen Fred reaches out and grabs a card on the rack saying “What about this one?”. “Fred, that section’s for eight year olds” I let him know and as he blindly stabbed the card at the rack I had to help him put it back. He was getting discouraged and just accepted the next two cards I picked.

From the dollar store I took Fred to the Pharm. There we went through the usual procedure of me giving a running commentary on what Fred was looking at. His main motivation for going to the Pharm was to get some chicken they had on sale. Sharon called while we were in the store. “Are you driving?” she asked. “No, I’m in the store with Fred” I replied thinking she would understand I was busy. She didn’t and launched into how the Zeph Center had housing and I should do this and do that to get him in. Poor Fred was patiently waiting for me to tell him what kind of chocolate syrup he was looking at but as he impatiently went to leave I had to cut Sharon off. Fred got a few other things also but was wearing out quickly. I got him checked out and took him home with just enough time to get Wayne and take him to see the neurologist.



This is our apartment building. Home for now but we look forward to the home we will build in Texas.




Wayne was surprised to see the new car, which is running great by the way. I got him to the right office this time and worked on this journal while he filled out paperwork. There was some confusion on the part of the new doctor. The same as last time, they didn’t find or have the records on Wayne. The doc asked who Wayne’s regular doctor was an who he had seen at MUO before. Wayne can’t remember who he saw when and I am not much better so I tried my best to help this doctor understand Wayne’s situation. “I met Wayne in a homeless shelter” I began. “I got Wayne into section 8 housing and on Medicaid. He hasn’t had much medical attention for years so I just want to make sure he has a good neurologist for his MS”.

This satisfied him so he began a rather thorough examination starting with a battery of questions. On many of them the doctor would look at me as Wayne would ramble a bit. I had introduced myself as a caregiver because I have learned that title seems to communicate why I am there well. I was able to help the doctor work through his initial interview fairly quickly. He had evidently asked the nurse to look up additional information on Wayne and it was found.

As Doc perused these papers he asked why Wayne had not gone to the physical therapy that had been prescribed when I brought him here almost two years ago. In addition there was a battery of tests that were to be performed on Wayne and never were. Now I feel bad. This a clear illustration of the problems I have helping others. I don’t remember anything about therapy or his blood tests and of course Wayne doesn’t either. The day I had brought him here before I stayed in the lobby as Wayne was examined. Did Wayne give me paperwork showing the doctors orders for lab work and physical therapy? I don’t know but regardless I didn’t find out or if I had been told I didn’t follow through. Me helping Wayne is like the blind leading the blind. I do the best I can but am always frustrated with being faced with my disability.

The doctor brought in another doc who was in charge of the department or something. He was the same doctor whom Wayne had seen when I brought him here a year or so ago. They are going to work up a full regimen for Wayne. I have to get a list of all the medication Wayne is on. I took him straight to the lab for his blood work before I forgot.

When all that was done I took Wayne to buy his monthly groceries. He is doing bad today and that was noticeable when I picked him up. The pain level is high and he is dragging his right foot behind him as he is having difficulty lifting it. Wayne toughed it out through the store despite my telling him to sit down and let me get what was on his list. I hadn’t eaten all day and was getting tired and a little grouchy. I was going to help Wayne organize his paperwork and get the medication list for the doc but just took him home and helped him put his food away. Then I came home.

I am worn out and now have a headache coming up. I didn’t get home till 5:30 so that makes a long day for me. Used to be a half day back when I worked eighty hours a week with my two companies. Sucks to not have that kind of energy anymore.

The headache made it to migraine level. Cherie tells me I have been doing well for the last two or so days so I figure I am due. I guess that’s not a real positive attitude but I deal with reality and that is I will always have these bad days. I am dramatically better than I was four years ago but I suspect I am as good as I will get. Who knows. I will always stretch myself and seek to improve. That’s just me. I’ve been fighting my whole life, unfortunately not always for a good cause, mostly out of rebellion. That spirit now serves me well as I fight my disability and for the rights of others who have disabilities. There is always struggle in life.

We got our pictures developed. It is 11:00 now so I won’t have time to upload many of them because of this dial up connection. It will take me a couple of hours to put as many on the blog as I want. Plus I have several new pictures from my son in Iraq I want to post. That reminds me. UPS came buy while I was out today so I missed them. That would have been the digital camera coming back from the shop. I hope to be here for it tomorrow. There is nothing on the calendar for me but that can always change.

Can’t believe I am up this late. Cherie is designing something for a quilt and showed it to me. Real cool I think. I like to think I have an artist’s eye. She is happy and dancing around about how it turned out. We are one so when she is happy I am also. I look forward to building her a sewing area when we get to Texas.

I think I will try to post this and put on a few pictures. Trying hard to stay awake and finish this. See ya tomorrow.

Alright, a last minute note. When I went online to publish this I noticed I had some E mails. One is from Robin, my sister in San Antonio. Some of you probably know that my relationship with my family is a little strained. That is mostly with my dad. I really don’t know my family and they don’t know me for I left home at fourteen and had very little contact. Robin I have never had a problem with and is the one that seems to not have a problem with me. My brother is a strange and strained relationship and my father just won’t talk to me at all. I must take much responsibility for this but still hope to one day mend these relationships. The blog is one of the possible ways I can do this as it reveals much about who I am. That may help me not be a total stranger to my family.

It's Monday, vacations over

5/1/06 Monday
It’s a busy day already. I went to the dealership to get a set of keys and have the rattle in Fred’s Buick looked at. Then I came home. On the way I stopped and washed his car and then waxed half of it when I got home. Fred was just coming out when I was walking in so I took him to look at his new car. He poked around asking what each button was and how to adjust the seats.

Fred remembered that we needed to transfer his insurance over so I drove him to State Farm. Despite the Buick being three years newer the insurance dropped by fifty dollars. Newer car, better car, costs less, works for me. After that I drove to Tom’s Marathon where Fred could talk to his friends. I waited in the car and set the radio stations on the radio.

Getting back Fred said he didn’t get a good look at the engine yet. “You want to look under the hood Fred?” I asked him knowing the answer already. I popped the hood and stepped back for Fred to look. As he peered intently at one point and then another, pushing his head down close to see, I explained what he was looking at. I told him how much pep the V-6 has considering how big the car is. Then Fred asks “Where’s the battery?”. Good question I think as I look all over and can’t fine it. Now I have to get the manual out and see cause there is no battery I can find under the hood.
It’s behind the back seat. That’s different.

I called Allen. He had called this morning which was a surprise in itself. He was animated as he accuses “You didn’t come over. I thought you were going to call”. This doesn’t work well with me. My first comment was on him being up this early. “I never went to bed” was his explanation. “You’re awful chipper for not having gone to sleep” was my reply and Allen knew I was referring to his “medicine”. I’m going to have another little talk. Allen has some money for the moment and money brings problems.

Just after I called Allen to let him know I was coming over Fred calls. “You got anything planned?” he asks despite my just telling him minutes before I was going to visit a friend. “What do you need Fred?” I answered with a question. He wanted to go to Firestone and challenge them on doing a crap job on his Caddy. I tried to tell him it could wait and Fred tried to not hear me. Finally I said no. Got to go now.
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Allen is still Allen. Nothing has changed much with him other than he didn’t seem to depressed. He still complained about his stomach and getting sick but I don’t expect that to change. There is no doubt he has plenty of his medication with him. I never really did sit down and talk to him about it like I planned. He knows and was kinda covering for himself as his conversation meandered around. Allen is so very alone but I can’t help him much there. He brought up the Henry Ford museum saying “Have you ever heard of it? What kind of stuff do you think is there?”. He next told me what was there without catching a breath. “Do you think you would like to go? We could make it a day” he suggested. I didn’t really have an answer for him. The idea of keeping up with Allen as he explained everything I saw is not appealing. I would love to go with Cherie but Allen is not something I’d look forward to.

I had told Allen that I would be leaving at 4:30 to go home so there would be no surprise. When 4:30 rolled up I said “I got to go”. Allen asks me “Do you think you could come back over after you eat dinner?”. Come on!!! It’s a twenty minute drive each way, gas is a million bucks a gallon, and once I get home with my wife I’m not budging. I hesitated for only a second as I analyzed this and looking up I gave Allen a simple but firm “No” as I shook my head.

It is 8:00 PM now. We warmed up some leftovers for dinner. I have a headache and am tired from visiting Allen. Tomorrow ought to be a dandy. Fred wants to march over to Firestone right away. Then I take Wayne to see the doctor at MUO.