bad confession?

11/8/07 Thursday
I just noticed that I had yesterday’s entry down as being Tuesday instead of Wednesday. After looking on the calendar I see that today is Thursday. A few days ago (exactly when I don’t remember) I was at someone’s house (who exactly I can’t remember) and was chided when I said something about having brain damage. “You need to quit confessing that” was what she said, or something like that. I remember because I thought on it long and that helps cement in memories.

What brings this up today is the fact that I am in the midst of a slowdown. I was talking with Cherie and suddenly knew it was coming because of the unfortunately familiar precursors that often herald one. “I’m slowing down” I told her and conversation got hard with me forgetting what I was saying as I said it.

So it’s a bad confession to say this? I am familiar with the concepts of positive thinking and the confession doctrine that you find in some Christian circles and agree with them for the most part…but… But I can’t deny reality. I so want to go to the store and buy the drill and extension cord I need but don’t go out by myself when I am like this. I don’t like it, it frustrates me, but like it or not I can’t deny it for it rises up and makes itself known. I have diminished ability because of the damage done to this brain. They show up on the MRI’s as big dead spots in several places of my brain. But at the same time I have been steadily improving over the years. The doctors say I will never return to my former level of cognizance but I continue to improve as this brain steadily rewires itself.

So the tractor broke again. I got the last of the tilling done and was just starting to move dirt around with the front end loader when a clevis pin broke or came out. I give. There is plenty more I wanted to do but I’m tired. I called Metro up and told them it was broke so they could pick it up now. I know I could have kept it longer but this is the third day and didn’t want to abuse or take advantage of the situation. I’m just not comfortable doing that despite paying four hundred bucks to rent it. Part of that is I don’t want them thinking bad of me, I want to maintain a good reputation.

So I am tired as I usually am with a slow down. There is lots I want to do but it will have to wait.