I'm torn

12/11/09 Friday
It looks like I’ll spend another day here in Toledo. I don’t want to but at the same time I do. Nate’s working on getting everything together for me. He’s been bustin his butt helping out. Actually he’s been doing everything when it comes to the truck, trailer, tractor, and whatever else there is. I’ve been spending time trying to visit friends and family with limited success. My oldest hasn’t gotten back with me regarding a time to see him, his wife, and nine month old baby boy. I contacted him several times so it’s at the point that any more contact becomes pushing. It’s up to him. The youngest I haven’t gotten a hold of yet. I asked his mom about his schedule and when a good time would be and she only said he had a crazy schedule, which didn’t help. I’ll drive up there this morning to pick up some of my belongings that the ex dug out of the attic for me. It’s probably books and stuff I had from bible college days and my first marriage with Cherie. Perhaps I’ll see Adam then.

Visiting friends requires a lot of time. It’s not like I can stop by for an hour and say “Hi” and then move on. So I stay four or so hours and then feel like I must cut the visit short when I leave. Part of the reason why is there are other people I want to see but mostly I run out of energy and get real tired.

My one friend, who has the pain killer medication problem, is on my mind hard. He’s killing himself steadily and I have an acute understanding of that but there is little I can do, not during a short visit to the area. He needs so much more than that, a strong hand to guide him out of the abyss, and that would require time I don’t have. Something like a year is what it will take to really make a difference because he needs to dry out and change his whole way of thinking. He’s an undiagnosed brain injury victim among other things. There is so much I can and want to do but none of it is easy. What I fear is learning he has killed himself, either by accident or on purpose. Imagine what it would be like to watch someone drowning as you stand on the deck of a boat on a stormy night. You have a life ring in your hand but can’t throw it out to him because you don’t have time or are too far away. Then if you can throw it out you watch him refuse to acknowledge he even needs it and not reach out and grab it.

So I’m torn. I so want to hit the road and get home. I so want to hug Cherie and smother her with kisses. I so want to see my dogs and enjoy the jubilant greeting I know they will shower me with. I so want to work the dirt around the farm and work on getting ready for next year. But there are people here I care for and they are people that I can help with their lives, that I can make a difference with. My fears about the dangers of Toledo for me are fortunately not an issue. Being here reinforces the reality that the life I have now is a miracle, that I am truly free of the demons that used to plague me. Watching my friend and understanding that this was me at one time really brings that home and there is no desire to go there again.

I want to take my friend back to Texas with me. For there he would be removed from the things that enslave him and he could start a new life. But that won’t happen, at least not now because we just don’t have the resources. Calvin would come to Texas in a heartbeat. He knows that Toledo is a cancerous pit of trouble and misery and there’s nothing more he’d like than to escape with Suzie and the kids. To bring them out and take them to a new world with half the problems. He can find work there for sure but mostly the whole family could find a new life in Texas and can get out of the poverty they suffer through now. If I can get this farm together and the business plan in operation I can do these things for them and others. The primary goal of creating the business is to help others.

I got to drive the new old truck yesterday. Took a bit getting used to but it runs great. There’s a switch on the clutch that needs to be replaced. I made it out of the drive of the garage Nate had it worked on and too the corner before it stalled out. Nate had showed me how to fix it but I couldn’t figure it out so had to call him to come and rescue me as traffic backed up. He’s been a big big help. I doubt I could have done this without him.

So I’m fixing to head out and pick up that stuff the ex got out for me. She called to say she’s leaving it on the porch of the house. When she did I could hear a lot of emotion and heartbreak in her voice. It’s sad but… I’m where God wants me and that’s a good place to be.