Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Search for God

This is mile marker 92 on interstate 40 in Oklahoma. I believe it's the spot I had my accident November 2001 though I'd have to check my paperwork to verify that. This would be where I died and miraculously came back to life after being declared officially done for. What a wonder life has become since then and the wonder continues every day. What a change in how I see things, in what is really important and what is really not.

12/23/09 Wednesday
Another day. The days are too short, or perhaps I just run out of energy too soon. I went to bed at 8:00 last night because I was so tired. The first thing I plan on doing is making a list of what I need to do. There are short term things like cleaning and organizing the garage and long term plans to put together. It’s time to get back to work on the business plan so I need to look up what I’ve done and contact the University of Texas Permian Basin to get that process moving again.

I called my friend in Toledo yesterday to make sure he was ok. He said he spent two weeks in the hospital with kidney failure starting the day after I visited. He called me the day after I visited and wanted to go to a movie. This illustrates the mental confusion he has. There’s a real possibility that he is or is becoming diabetic. I suggested that he get tested for that when I was there but odds are that didn’t register. The kidney failure is hopefully a powerful enough nudge for him to start cleaning his life and body up. I invited him to come here anytime he wanted for as long as he needed but odds are slim that will happen. He got a computer for Christmas so can access the internet whenever he sets that up. That can be good or bad depending on what he does with it. His thought is to return to college and study computer programming or something in that field. It will be a shock to him to learn he no longer has the mental ability he once had. Like me he’s is or was highly intelligent and like me he has suffered multiple brain injuries along with the damage that comes with long term substance abuse so college level education will be hard.

This morning, and the last few days for that matter, I’ve been thinking a lot about God. There is only one thing I fear and that is standing before Him and having the books open that catalog my life, what I did and didn’t do, how I followed what I knew was the right path or chose to ignore what I knew I should do. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom it says in the bible. Wide is the path and broad is the way that leads to destruction, it says, and many there are on it. It also says that narrow and hard is the way to eternal life with few choosing that direction. So my search for God continues as do my questions. In the meantime I’ll do the best I can and live as good as I can, continuing to help others where I can. And in the process I’ll deny myself those things I know aren’t good for me knowing that those little pleasures don’t amount to a hill of beans when compared to the long term goals of life.
10:30 – It’s a hard morning. I had a headache starting early and it’s making sure I know it’s there now. Plus I’m slow, down to a five on the bob scale. I’m not used to this because I don’t get many slowdowns these days. I suppose that makes the frustration greater. Going out and doing my walk about, where I survey the farm and study what I need and want to do, is overwhelming, especially when slow. So I came in too take aspirin for the headache and to lay down and think with the hope the headache fades.

No comments: