Monday, December 21, 2009

Skeletons from a closet

It was sometime in 1981, I think, that I fell from a tree and broke my back, neck, and sustained another undiagnosed brain injury. This brace is the one I had to wear as I recovered. What a hard time this was for Cherie as well. It was the event that precipitated our divorce. How marvelous it is that we are now restored after 20 years. What a wonder it still is to me.

12/21/09 Monday
It’s still so good to be home, and I suspect always will be. Despite having arrived nearly a week ago it feels like I just got here yesterday. Yesterday I finally got the tractor started up and drove it off the trailer. I had to call Nate a couple of times to figure out simple things like how to start it and where reverse gear was. High on my list will be to get a manual for it. It was sweet to drive and will be a powerful asset in building this farm. In fact this year I have acquired many of the tools I need to do this and have a few dollars left to invest in this farm so next year will be my first serious farming year. I plan to build a henhouse and bought a cement mixer for that. Actually the cement mixer has many uses beyond making concrete. I can use it to “Inoculate” seed and mix compost and fertilizers as well. It’s exciting to see these little pieces of the farming puzzle come together. Step by step, little by little, my vision will come to being.

But it means there is a whole lot of work to do. Part of that requires help, help that I can now afford to pay for. I would like to pay Calvin, Suzie’s other half, to come here from Toledo and work for a month. They could sure use the money and I know he could find a good paying job in the area. This would enable them to escape Toledo and all of the evils that reside there and open up a new world and life for them here. I may just be dreaming but can sure hope for this.

Going to Toledo is a heart wrenching emotional roller coaster for me. I reached out to both my sons but they never responded regarding finding a time to meet. It hurts but that’s the way it is and there is little I can do about it. You can’t force someone to love you and I suspect that my actions in that last year before the car wreck put a wedge in our relationship. Unfortunately I can’t remember what those actions were though I’ve been able to learn of some of it through asking questions and playing detective. It’s uncomfortable to search for the truth and uncover so many unpleasant things about yourself in the process. But the truth is the truth, good or bad. And it is the truth I love and strive for despite the unpleasantness of it. All of this is part of the life I choose now, of the creed I live by, of desiring to be the kind of person I can be proud of. So acknowledging past mistakes are steps forward and will help me not repeat them.

Barb, the second wife, was gracious enough to return some of my property that was left at the house when we divorced. She left four boxes of stuff on the front porch for me to pick up. I went there and thinking I saw my youngest son looking out the window called hoping he would answer, but he didn’t so I just left a message. The boxes I just unloaded from the truck yesterday. I haven’t had the time to go through them all but most of it is stuff I had when Cherie and I got divorced. There are lots of books from bible college days and I found a baptism certificate from when I was baptized in prison back in the 70’s. There is also the yearbook, or whatever it’s called, from when I went through basic training in the Air Force. Then there’s the Suma brace I had from when I fell out of the tree, broke my back and neck, and sustained the brain injury that caused the drastic personality change that led to Cherie and I getting divorced. I’ll have to work up to tackling the rest of those boxes and the memories the invoke.

Part of what wrenches my heart is the people I know in Toledo. My friend is killing himself with the drugs that possess his soul. The same drug, Oxycontin, that I had become addicted to during my fall into madness. How I want to help him, to save his life again. (I did it before, you can read about it in the early entries of this blog) But I’m 1700 miles away and don’t have the financial ability to do so. If I was there and had the time I could lead him out of the pit he dug for himself, but it would require a lot of work. He’s open to help but isn’t mentally able to comprehend how much he needs. How I wish I could bring him here as well, to help him escape the trap Toledo becomes for so many. Here he could find life and escape death.

I got water sprinklers running outside now to get some moisture to the five acres of rye that sprouted but hasn’t been able to go anywhere. Ran them yesterday all day long and will do so today too. With just two sprinklers it will take a lot to water all five acres. Eventually I’ll install a pump and pressure tank that will enable me to run more water. That’s part of the long list of improvements we plan to make as we put this farm together.

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