I found Ben

9/25/10 Saturday
I went out to hoe more weeds in the corn patch. As I did my thoughts kept going to Ben, along with the problems we have with Steve and Janie. I prayed for them and prayed to be able to forgive and let go the anger regarding whomever shot out dogs. I haven’t mentioned Steve and Janie’s name before but they’ve unfriended us on facebook and refuse to respond to any email, facebook message, or anything else I try to do to reach out to them. Perhaps someone that knows them will intercede so we can fix this. Otherwise these people, who talk about God all the time, are letting the devil win and ultimately doing his will, not God’s. I’ll keep trying and understand it puts pressure on them but running and hiding from problems only makes them worse.

I decided to once again go out and look for Ben. I crawled through the thick seven foot high thicket of some kind of weed or small tree for hours. Finally I prayed “God, help me find Ben”. When I did several vultures appeared. They weren’t there before because I always looked for them knowing they would find a body before I could. So I stood there not moving for what seemed like a half hour, watching them as they searched the area from high above me. I saw one swoop down across from the highway and land so I hurried over. Sure enough, it was Ben. He wasn’t far from where I found Gretchen but had fallen in dead grass that is the same color as his fur so despite walking over the area several times we never noticed him. He was pretty ate up by the vultures so it’s hard to tell where he was shot. But at least now I won’t worry that he is somewhere hurt but unable to get home.

So I’ll go bury Ben next to where we have Gretchen buried. It’s clear that they were both shot from the road by some ass who was driving by. They loved to go play in the thickets at the tank that is a hundred yards from us and I am sure were on their way home that morning. Why? I don’t understand. Was it someone who knew us and just wanted to hurt us anyway they could?

There is so much gossip going around, so much talk from people who don’t know us and never took the time to do so. The first church of Stanton folks had lied to the pastor, telling him about how they had come to visit when all they did is drop off some groceries and left without even five minutes of conversation. He was a Sunday school teacher and while we appreciated the groceries he said he had to leave so couldn’t visit. This story was turned into a nice long intimate visit when told to the pastor. The other guy dropped off a trailer of firewood and left. I unloaded it myself and he came to pick up the trailer when we were not there. This too was presented to the pastor as a personal visit where someone spent time with us being friendly. So pastor Dave has been sold a lie by those seeking to justify themselves and paint a picture of how good they are. This makes us out to be the ungrateful bad guys who lied when I said “No one has come to visit us in the year we went to church there”. No one did. Period. Dropping off two bags of groceries and leaving without completing three sentences is not a visit. So with all this hateful gossip, that grows in it’s intensity with time, could have spurred someone to kill my dogs. I don’t know, all the anger is welling up again. And then we have the hypocrisy of Mr. and Mrs. “We Love You Guys” who turn on us in an instant, the moment we don’t bow to them and let them do what they want.

It’s raining and lightening out now. I have a grave to dig and suppose this is appropriate weather for that. God, help me get over this anger. And help Steve and Janie be right with you.
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They stayed together, they played together, and they died together. Now that I found Ben’s body they are buried together. I think I want to find a tree to plant where they are buried. My gloves smell like death so I threw them away. My pants smell like death so they’re outside in the rain. I’m soaked through, even my socks are sopping wet. I’m tired. Have work to do but lost all enthusiasm to do anything. Need to fix my truck and planned on tearing out the rest of the wall. I’m going to take a bath and lay down.

The anger is high. It’s clear now that someone driving by saw Ben and Gretchen, heading home, and stopped to shoot them both. I pray that I don’t find out who it was. I want to, but I don’t.