Monday, September 20, 2010

A reminder of How far I've come.

What a reminder this is. I so do not miss these situations. Couldn’t find the word I wanted so situations will have to do. This is a severe slowdown and it is a reminder of how far I’ve come and how much my brain has healed itself in the nine years since the accident. Cherie called a moment ago and could hear it in my voice. She reminded me to eat, something I often forget to do. Not feeling the sensation of hunger makes that easy to forget. Cherie told me there were some tamales in the fridge I had bought at Super Mercado so I heated them up. So far Super Mercado makes the best tamales I’ve found though someone at church said their daughter makes and delivers them. I’d love to give that a try. I bought the hot ones and they are make you sweat hot.

Anyway, I got the wiring done. Somewhere in my mess of a garage is an outdoor electric socket set but I couldn’t find it. (My mind seems to be clearing up now, judging from my typing speed. Thank God for that.) Looking through stuff for it just amplified the confusion I must fight during slowdowns. I got the wires hooked up, found something I could plug in to test the socket, and switched the breakers on. Nothing sparked or snapped and the grinder worked well. Hallelujah, managed to get it done despite the mental fog. Gathering my tools I went back to the garage. Walking in with my arms full I had to face an overwhelming confusion just trying to figure out what to set down where. This is a definite reminder of what every day was like shortly after the wreck. Making a simple decision was, and for this moment as well, a major hurdle. You can read about it in the early blog entries. I would freeze up in a store, overwhelmed with the myriad of choices just on the cereal isle and unable to decide. It’s like being drunk or on drugs without drinking or using drugs, only worse. I managed to set everything down, just dumped it all, and came in the house. Even walking is difficult as the part of my brain they taught to operate the paralyzed right side is hampered at times like this.

Still boggles my mind that I used to pay money to get in such a state on purpose, and called it fun. We know people, as I’m sure everyone does, who drink and dope as a regular part of their life. It’s a sad trap that is easy to fall into. There’s a fine line that one never quite knows when they cross it, a line between “it’s ok” and “it’s a problem”. My brother is a serious alcoholic but sure has it justified in his mind. “I just have too much fun” is how he puts it. Linda’s friend is realizing he has a problem so is now no longer drinking whiskey, just drinking beer. It’s a start. Realizing you have a problem is the first step in getting free from that demon. Part of what many people don’t realize, or at least refuse to acknowledge, is the long term damage that alcohol abuse absolutely causes. There is brain damage, kidney and liver damage, and a host of other problems that don’t show up till later years. I am so grateful to be free. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think having one or two beers or a glass or two of wine with dinner is wrong. It’s drinking to the point you are impaired that is not good. That used to be the goal back in my drinking days and in fact having fun at a social gathering, whether it was friends at home or in the bar, pretty much required alcohol. So drinking was a prerequisite for having a good time and in my thinking I needed that buzz to “loosen up” and enjoy myself. One of the benefits from the TBI (traumatic brain injury) is that alcohol triggers seizures. “Benefit?” you might think, but it truly is for me. I fear returning to those things that kept me down, those habits that are in the end destructive and only lead to death, whether spiritual or physical. So the threat of seizures is a powerful inducement to not drink. On top of that nicotine also triggers seizures. Smoked a cigarette while using a nicotine patch and it put me in the hospital for three days. Yep, I’m blessed with a brain injury and it sure has helped me clean up and just stop doing stupid stuff, most of which was nasty anyway.
Click to enlargeI carved this while recovering in St Louis. It says what I believe.
These slowdowns always drain me, just suck all the energy right out of my body. Feel like I’ve been up for days and worked a twenty hour shift in the factory. That’s too bad cause I’ve got work to do so have no time to rest. Besides the brain is working again so I’ll just have to push through.

4:20 – Sure not getting a lot done. The seal for my transmission is the wrong size so I’ll have to take it back. Will wait for Cherie to come home from work and use her truck as my big diesel gulps down about ten or twelve bucks worth of fuel just to run to Midland and back. It’s a twenty two dollar part so that’s half the price just to get it and I drove the diesel to buy it in the first place. It’s sprinkling outside, always welcome. Not much but any moisture is good. I noticed hundreds of mosquito larva swimming around in my rain barrels. Not good and I don’t want to put poison in that water. Maybe some bleach? That evaporates away in a day but the dogs drink that water. I’ll check online for ideas but right now I need to see about a rental car for Ron and Paula Charles when they come to town at the end of the month. Need to get one out of Abilene cause that’s where they will fly out of.

Been planting seeds in my seed starter things. Then I think I’ll clear out more weeds. That’s a job that never ends.

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