Nice outside, foggy in.

5/16/07 Wednesday
Groggy this morning and didn’t fully wake up till after 8:00 despite Carman kitty’s trying to let me know it was time to feed him. Running a bit slow, a five on the bob scale, but I’m still working on getting my blood flowing through these veins. Got a pot of Bob coffee made. Wish I had a bunch of straws I could connect together so I could suck in my coffee that is on the dresser as I lay in bed watching the news. Jerry Falwell died yesterday. It will be interesting to see the reactions of the many different groups he has impacted. Some love him and some hate him.

Damn cup of coffee is four feet away so excuse me while I get out from under these covers to get some more of that legal drug (caffeine) that hopefully will give my ass a kick and gets me moving. This is so different from the last few mornings when I was up and moving at six and dived right into things with enthusiasm. I remember when almost every day was like that before the accident.

The muscles in my body attest to the fact I’ve been working hard for two days. Actually I like to feel this soreness because, just like lifting weights in the gym, it is a sign that these muscles got the exercise they need and will be getting stronger. The deeper pain in the bones of my back and joints of my fingers are another thing. Went ahead and took half of a pain pill. I’m pretty sure Cherie will come home today so want to wash the dishes and clean up a bit. I think she will be happy to see the flower bed I made under the window. I had her draw a map of what flowers she wants planted where. I got most of that done though I did put the wrong seeds in one spot yesterday when I was a bit slow.

Not sure what I will do today but will figure that out when this brain starts clearing up. It’s already 9:00 so I need to force myself up, fix breakfast, and get to work. I think it’s pretty much a fact that Skittles is no longer as there has been no sign of him for going on two weeks. This can be hard country on pets or anything small. When we eventually get chickens there is no doubt that there must be a strong secure henhouse and run for them. Even when we let them free range during the day we must worry about the hawks that constantly patrol this area. I would like to get a dog with a Sheppard blood line that has natural instincts to protect and herd animals but even it would need a secure area to bed down in at night.

Time to motivate myself.

Something I did yesterday as I removed a comment I found improper took the whole comment thing off so no one could place a comment. Worked to fix it a long time last night and never could. I think I did this before but don’t remember how I fixed it.

I may be a bit foggy but still much sharper than last night. Only took a few minutes to fix yesterday's comment thing
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It’s been raining for a couple of hours now. I was able to go pick up some more rocks at Bud Glassman’s property. Was able to get more than last time cause I took a five gallon bucket which I was able to partly fill (Full was too heavy) and carry to the truck saving me the time it took to toss rocks into the truck one or three at a time. Sure I back the truck to within five feet of the pile but bending over for each rock was murder.

Getting home I backed the truck to where I am going to use some of the rocks and it started raining. Came in and fixed a couple of fried egg sandwiches so I at least ate something today. I checked the bowl we kept Skittle’s food in outside in the garage and it is empty. Either he is back and keeping out of sight or some other creature discovered it. Haven’t heard from Cherie so will give her a call. Didn’t call earlier cause I know she has class. It’s after 2:00 now so I’ll risk it. Yep, she answered and is on the way home. Said she should be here in an hour and a half. I told her it is raining but not real bad. Also let her know she has a big hug and kiss waiting and that I will fix dinner tonight.
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My baby’s back. She is tired and excited but mostly glad to be home. There is much she must do to prepare to go to work. I think she starts tomorrow. I’ll help where I can but am limited because of the confidentiality agreement that is a part of her job. That’s fine cause I’ve got plenty to do around here.

Am running sharper by the way. Speaking of that, in a roundabout way, I have been asked to participate in a study by Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Department of Rehabilitation Medicine. It is a study for those with traumatic brain injuries and multiple sclerosis who have cognitive impairments. Part of cognitive impairments involve how the brain interprets words by the way. So it’s a three month study and I am happy to have been chosen or asked, whichever it is. Glad to do anything that will help anyone.

When Cherie came home she said “Something smells in here” from the bathroom. I hadn’t noticed it before but now that she mentioned it I can. I think that because of all the rain we have been having the cesspool/septic whatever we have is backing or filling up and the odor is coming from the bathtub drain. That’s the only drain that doesn’t have a gas trap (The U shaped pipe you see under the sink drain) on it. I put a plug on the drain and that seems to have helped. This whole part of the country is not at all used to this much rain.

Everything has a price

5/15/07 Tuesday
Looks like it will be another good day. Didn’t get to sleep till after one but part of that is because I wandered into some places on the internet I don’t need to go. Woke up fairly sharp despite that and having the situation with mom and dad still on my mind. That’s always going to be there cause you can’t care without it. So here are some thoughts related to that.

Here are some words and the definitions we hear and talk about all the time. Words and concepts most of us would like to think we practice in our lives.

mor•al Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human
action and character: moral scrutiny; a moral quandary.
Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior: a
moral lesson.
Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous: a moral
life.
Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation.

mo•ral•i•ty conformity to the rules of right conduct; moral or virtuous conduct.
moral quality or character.

ethics A set of principles of right conduct.
A theory or a system of moral values:

in•teg•ri•ty Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.

hon•or Good name; reputation.
Principled uprightness of character; personal integrity.
A code of integrity, dignity, and pride, chiefly among men, that is maintained
in some societies, as in feudal Europe.

On the news they had a story regarding the military’s response to the abuses and even murders that have come to light in the Iraq war. They have a definition of honor that was being strongly presented during basic training of new recruits. I like it the better than what I found in the dictionary. “Honor is doing what you know is right when nobody is looking”. I think that can be applied to “Integrity” as well. The bible says “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17.

So my point is that for me to not work for what I know is the best, to sit on my hands and watch wrong things happen, violates all these principles I respect and try to live my life by. It is unfortunate that I don’t always go about things the best way but I have no shame about trying. I have always lived by a code though the ones in my past were misguided. One of the worlds I was involved in was that of the outlaw bikers, a world where you stood with your “brother” back to back in a bar despite overwhelming odds during a fight. A world where if you were busted for a criminal act you did your time like a man and did not snitch on others despite your charges being dropped or reduced being offered. That life is long gone now but the sense of honor isn’t. It has just evolved to conform with the new life and philosophy gained from the accident, my rethinking what is really important in life. As the plaque says “Money and things are gone in a flash. What has true lasting value is the lives that you touch”.

So if doing what you know is right comes with a price, with a sacrifice, it is a true mark of ones personal integrity. Just like true friends. Everyone talks a good game but when the chips are down you will see who is really true, what’s really inside.

Time to get to work. Actually I’ve already been out there but came in to write and post this. Fixed me some eggs to make sure I’ve eaten and took my medicine. Took two pain pills yesterday and they helped me get more done but that comes with a price. When you don’t feel the pain as bad you push the body a bit more than perhaps you should, then you hurt more the next day. So I’m starting with a pill this morning. Don’t really care as much about pain as I do about getting things done. Everything comes with a price.
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Took a break because it started raining. I had just loaded the truck with garbage cans and shovel to get more goat crap from Kevin when it started. Was hoping to get some while it was still a little dry cause it’s easier to handle and smells a bit less. I think I will still head out there cause it looks like the thunderstorms are spotty and may not have hit his place.

I E mailed my nephew in law, Nate, earlier to ask that he remove the picture of both Cherie and I from the link he has on his blog to mine. With the recent issues regarding getting mom and dad in a safe place he now has the link labeled as “Asshole’s blog”. I don’t care what he calls me but will not let him call Cherie that or intimate it through having her picture there. His response was what I expected. In all fairness my approach was not a nice “Would you please” but more in the lines of “Do this or I’ll do that” thing so got to take some blame. I’m just not good at nicey nice. Not a big part of my history. (Note: Cathy just sent me an E mail saying she would ask Nate to pull Cherie’s picture)

It’s 4:00 now. I just got back from my second trip to Kevin’s to get goat crap. Picked up a total of six garbage cans in all. Unfortunately I hurt myself like I did the other time lifting the full garbage can into the back of the truck. The other time I only got two cans instead of the six this time. At least I thought to bring my furniture dolly to haul the cans from the goat pens. Just took my second pain pill for the day. Took a whole one instead of cutting it in half like I usually do.

I worked up a thirst so stopped at Sonic and treated myself to a cream slush or something like that. I think I’ll get outside and start pulling weeds so I can use them to create another compost pile. Hope the pill takes effect soon.
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It’s been a good run. Almost two full days without a slowdown of any kind. It’s 5:47 and I am experiencing the dizziness and head pressurization that comes with one. Typing speed is pretty slow and would indicate I am running at a four or so on the bob scale. Janie told us how she liked my “bob scale” and we all had a good chuckle about it. Fact is it is a good way for me to track these things as all I have to do is put “bob scale” in the search engine and have a daily and often hourly record of the frequency and severity of these occurrences.

I’ve been working on the tomato and pepper patch. Already had the Roma’s done and just made a bed for an interesting hybrid Cherie picked up called red lightning. This bed I prepared with the cotton burr compost and some of the goat manure I picked up today. I really don’t know how much I should mix in and frankly don’t know about the other fertilizers. This time I made a groove in the top of the row and placed some of the dirt labeled “Natures own” in the groove. This is where the seeds will go so they won’t be exposed to the rest of the soil till they are well on the way. Reading the back of the red lightning seed package I saw the instruction to plant the seeds in a seed starting compound. This is the first I heard about such a thing, at least that I can remember. Need to keep my eyes open for it. Might be why I have had little success starting anything. In fact I only have three plants that are progressing at a fair pace. There are a bunch of tomatillas that are doing fairly well also. Need to get back out there and finish what I started as well as doing my evening watering. It doesn’t matter how bad I am doing cause this needs to be kept up with. The good thing about being on this farm is there are always simple tasks that I can do despite being slow. Spraying water doesn’t take much. The pain is bearable with medication.
This is a cage I made for the tomato plant Cherie picked up. Wrapped the plastic around it to provide protection from the wind.

I can’t remember when Cherie is to be home. Fact is right now I don’t know what day it is so will go look. It’s Tuesday. I think Cherie will be home tomorrow. Need to get outside and focus on tomatoes cause am getting confused and a little lost.

When I opened the package of the red lightning seeds (Burpee brand) there were only four seeds in it. Kind pissed me off. Hope one of them comes up cause it is a real interesting looking tomato.

Gonna call it a night. Got a headache on top of the slow down.

The rest of the day

This has been a fantastic day. I’ve been clear headed and full of energy. Worked all day long and loved every minute of it. Just wish it didn’t get dark so I could keep getting things done. Oh well, some things you just can’t control. I think I will use this time to finish one or two of the bible studies I started. It’d be great to finish at least one thing I started.

I went to the landfill to dump the garbage and came back with more stuff than I dropped off. I tend to do that. I always look around to see if there is anything I can use and usually find something. This time I got about four lengths of water hose. I have been thinking about how to put in the drip feed watering system I had bought and realized I need some lengths of garden hose in order not to water the ground in between the hills I have the squash and melons growing on. So I go to the dump and see all kinds of hose. Yeah, they are in bad shape but I only need short sections and they will be covered with dirt so won’t be really stressed. I’ll have to get something to join them together with the drip hose. Should be cool.

The other thing I picked up, besides a couple of buckets I’ll cut the bottoms out of to put around plants protecting them from the wind, is several pieces of wire fencing or something I’m not sure what to call. This stuff I will use to make tomato cages and the heavier stuff will be trellises for beans or anything else that needs that kind of support. Hey, the price is right and a little Yankee ingenuity (I’m from Ohio, remember?) goes a long way.

After going shopping at the garbage dump I went and picked up the mail. I saw Peggy just as I was driving off and waved. Then, when I got out on the street I thought, “I should have stopped and talked to her”. It was too late. I hope she doesn’t think I was rude or something. Just didn’t think fast enough.

I came home and unloaded the truck. Then went to Bud Glassman’s land to pick up a bunch of rocks I had seen piled up when I checked out the mesquite he said I could cut. I’ll use these for the flower beds and whatever else comes up. Spent a couple of hours setting them on the edges of the front walk. That will help it drain better.

Did lots of other stuff I can’t recall now. Cherie called to let me know how she was doing. She said I should have come up with her cause her room was so nice. I guess it normally goes for two hundred bucks a night. She said it was as big as our apartment in Toledo was. Too bad I have to take care of Carman kitty and have so much to do or I would have been glad to jump in the truck and head up there.

That’s it for tonight. See ya tomorrow.

Much better

5/14/07 Monday
It’s a good morning. Had a restless night and didn’t get to sleep till after midnight as Cherie was preparing for her trip to Abilene. She is doing her morning womanly thing, you know the make up and all that. I am sharp and lucid, a stark contrast to the last two days. Already been out checking the gardens. Found my first worm or caterpillar on the corn. Not really educated enough to know what to call it or to know what kind it may be. It was a small little sucker. Haven’t seen much fresh damage on the squash or melons. I planted the lone Roma tomato plant Cherie brought home in a bed I dug in the area I will put my tomatoes and perhaps peppers in. Also direct seeded the same bed with Roma seeds. It will be interesting to see how well that works. The seeds are fresh unlike all the other ones we had. Wish they weren’t hybrids. Next year we will work on getting heirloom seeds and thus will be able to use the seeds from the tomatoes we grow.

It would be great to remain cognizant all day. Duh, of course it will. Be nice to remain cognizant the rest of my life. I am debating what to do with this land as I will till we pull it out of CRP in 2011. After talking to Ronnie goats look like an attractive direction to go as that will be much easier and less complicated an operation as the organic greenhouse and pick your own orchard concept. Much as I would like to do that I must face the fact that I have limitations due to this traumatic brain injury. No I don’t think I will accept this. Sure I have difficulties but they can be compensated for. Just need a little help when things get going, hire the right people. Still smart just not all the time.

Well Cherie’s gone. She will pick up the other lady who was hired for this job. That woman has been a county extension agent in several counties and evidently has a PHD. This seems to be another one of those fortuitous happenings as Naomi (the lady’s name) will know so much we need to know regarding this farm. I hope Cherie and her hit it off. Cherie needs some friends. We are just starting a relationship with Janie and her husband is anxious to meet us as well. Now would be a good time to write about our time at Windwalker.

Janie gave us excellent directions but it wouldn’t have been hard to find that day anyway. Just followed the traffic. Pulling into the place the first thing we saw was pickup trucks lined up in two rows, each with a flatbed trailer attached that was empty. I’m talking a lot of trucks and trailers, at least to me, there were maybe forty. Following the pick up in front of us we came to an area with many, what I guess you call pavilions. Each had a corporate name and all were of different construction. Some looked like oil derricks and some were more utilitarian but all of them were clearly designed and built to meet individual tastes and usually to match what each company did. There was another building with a large open roofed area. There were a number of people milling around along with a few trucks backed in that had evidently unloaded some of the equipment such as a sound system and a custom semi with trailer that was clearly a food operation. We didn’t know what to expect, having absolutely no experience with skeet shooting, but this was a whole lot more than we imagined. You could see people on these raised platforms and hear shotguns popping all over the place. This is the source of gunfire we occasionally hear from the farm.

I called Janie’s cell phone to let her know we were here. She said “Go to the pavilion” and that she would be by in a bit. “Uh, which pavilion?” I asked a bit confused as I looked at the structures that were lined up all over. Then I figured that she meant the one big building with attached open roofed structure. With that cleared she told us to look up “???” and tell her we were friends of Janie. (Can’t remember the name but I do that well) Going to the covered area there were maybe fifty people milling about so we just grabbed a seat. I’m really uncomfortable approaching folks I don’t know and had forgotten the name Janie told me by the time we made the forty yard walk anyway. So we sat down. I had already told Janie that we overdressed after observing the others. Hell we didn’t know what to expect and would rather look to good than not good enough. We sat down away from everyone so figured we wouldn’t be hard to spot. Besides that Janie has seen our pictures in the blog many times.

So we sat and watched, both of us wondering at everything we saw. Sure enough Janie found us. She is quite a lady. I could go into a physical description but that would be mundane as the words that best describe her go to the energy she exudes. Not sure if I know the right words but I’ll give it a shot. A vivacious, outgoing, personality, lots of joy and enjoyment of life around her. She’s one of those people you just like to be around, the kind you want to know. Everyone she saw was greeted warmly and they all knew her and returned that greeting, often with the teasing jokes that come with comfortable friendships.

After expressing how glad she was to finally meet us Janie began introducing us to everyone around. That was a rapidly growing crowd as evidently much of the shooting was coming to an end and it was getting time to eat. Of course I lost track of introductions quickly and didn’t keep up but was glad to shake hands and say “I’m bob and this is my wife Cherie” as they told me their names. Glad most had name tags on. Janie was off into the crowd in a heartbeat but we were left in friendly hands as she caught up with the many she knows. As she many of those she introduced us to sat at the table we were at and started talking to us with an openness we haven’t experienced much down here. It became evident that many if not most of these people were businessmen and executives yet despite that we were asked things like “Can I get you something to drink”. "Hospitality" is the right word here. When it came time to get food a guy said “Just follow me” as he detected I was uncomfortable. Great grub here folks. The semi food operation was top notch and did a heck of a job. These guys got it together.

Getting our plates we returned to our seats. There was lots of good conversation as these folks took a genuine interest in who we were and where we came from. Of course I told the story of how Cherie and I were reunited and didn’t cry as I so often do when I tell of this wonder we have experienced. I am worried because I often am so open about my past without thinking of how others receive my history of drug addictions and criminal activity. How I built two successful companies from scratch goes over well but the other part probably shouldn’t be part of an introduction. Got to learn to not be so open I guess but I just don’t put on a face. I am who I am and honesty is an important part of my creed but I suspect I am just shooting myself in the foot. Still something I am sorting out. Come to find out this event was a fund raiser for a ministry that helps get teens off the street and away from the evils that drugs and so often destroy. Janie talks about them in her blog. I suppose I would have fit in there somewhere.

I was pretty clearheaded and lucid, conversing freely with enthusiasm but towards the end all the activity and conversation around me started to take their toll. Cherie could see this as only she can and asked me “Do you need to go?”. I said no and hung on for a bit longer but finally had to get up and walk. Cherie asked if she should go with me but I told her no. “Don’t get lost” she advised knowing that when I am bad I literally do that, forgetting where I am or was going. All I needed was to get away from all the activity that I was not able to filter out and find some quiet solitude that allowed me to settle a bit. I walked over to where all the pavilions or shooting stands (still not sure what to call them) were and admired the variety of construction. I realized these were very similar to the places you find in sports arenas that corporations use to strengthen relationships with their clients.

Settled down and having my thoughts somewhat gathered I returned to the pavilion where I rejoined Cherie, who was glad to see me coming back. We sat back down and resumed fellowshipping with those at our table. Then came the point where they started presenting awards based on how folks did on the shooting range and honoring all who’s presence and companies donated to this organization the fundraiser was for. I can’t remember their name but you can find it on Janie’s blog, Sounding Forth. There was lots of kidding and joking as prizes were presented from a raffle drawing between these comrades in business. It was a great atmosphere full of joviality.

When all was done the crowd broke up and many returned to shooting skeet and some left for home or wherever. Janie and some who were at our table went to a shooting area attached to the food pavilion that fired the clay disks from five or so different locations. This offered a challenge as the disks flew at different angles and distances. Janie had gotten Cherie and I ear plugs to protect against the noise of the shotguns reverberating under the pavilion. This was a kind of competition shoot where two shooters were up and would take turns at firing, I think. It was hard for me to follow by this time. It seemed each shooter could only have two shells in their gun and had to hurriedly reload to complete each round. Often they didn’t have a chance to fire at a clay before it followed it’s path to the ground. Cherie and I were both fascinated as we watched this. Cherie more so than I cause at least I had seen this on TV. My dad had taken my brother and I out hunting dove before so I have fired a shotgun several times but most of what I remembered was him getting mad when I didn’t do something right like shooting at a dove that was too far away. Dad tried so many times to do things with us but he trampled on the fun with his temper, turning what could have been a good and close time sour.

After they were done shooting Janie retired with us to the main building which housed the vending operations. It was also full of mounted animals like deer and pheasant. This took Cherie aback as she looked around at the deer heads and with an intake of breath said “oh my”. Something else that was new to my city girl. Janie caught that and tried to soften Cherie’s shock by saying some of them were fake. Cherie was fine, just had been surprised. We talked over some chocolate cake one of the women with the ministry the fundraiser was for. She also joined us. This was the first time we really got to talk with Janie as she had been real busy during the event. Janie puts on several of these kinds of things so was an advisor and integral part of this event in addition to knowing many of the participants. It was good to relax with her. Unfortunately I had still not recovered all the way from the slowdown triggered by so much activity and let Janie know I needed to go home. Hated to do that. But we will be seeing each other again and look forward to doing so. It’s good to know good people.

Well I am doing well and need to get stuff done. First I need to take our garbage to the landfill. Hopefully it’s dried out enough to get into. Then I plan on going out to Bud Glassman’s property that has a big pile of rocks that were probably removed from the farm fields behind it. This particular area he called a pasture and told me about it when I inquired about the pond on the corner to cut firewood out of. I’ll use the rocks to line the flower beds I am making for Cherie.

You can tell I am doing well cause I write so much. Hope you don’t mind the long posts but these serve as keys to unlock my memories at a latter time.

Rough

5/13/07 Sunday
This is one of the roughest mornings I have had in a while. So bad I had to have Cherie drive home from church. Back pain and migraine along with being real slow, a two or three on the bob scale. Right at the level I stutter. Right now it is hard to keep a train of thought long enough to write it. For that matter to talk without forgetting what I was saying. I get lost in mid sentence. Sun is awful bright so may not do much outside. Think I’ll have to close the blanket on the window to reduce the light. As always I hope this clears up soon.

Exceptionally rough. Was talking to Cherie about what to soak the flower seeds that should soak twenty four hours in and started tearing up. Had to fight to not start crying. This is just too strange and uncomfortable. Certainly not a time I will go out in public.

Pretty much lost a whole day. It wasn’t until about five that I was clearing up though I still had a problem with the wrong words coming out. I was talking to Cherie and when I went to say the word “belly” what came out was “butt”. This happens a lot during the slowdowns but I even do it on occasion when I am fairly lucid. Usually it can be funny but sometimes a bit embarrassing.

Cherie came home with some flowers that were on sale cause they are just about dead and a tomato plant. I got them all in the ground and hope they make it. So far I am still not doing good starting seeds in the flats though I feel it’s important to learn. If I had a grow light I think it would be better. I am pretty tired but I always am after these slowdowns and this was particularly bad. Wasn’t doing to well at the end of yesterday so I’ve lost more than a day this time.

Tomorrow Cherie goes to Abilene where she will take classes for two and a half days for her new job. I’ll be on my own again but not as long as when she went to Toledo. She leaves at nine in the morning. Hopefully I’ll be in good shape as I want to write about our visit with Janie at the skeet shoot fundraiser event at Windwalker (I think that’s the name) just haven’t been up to it last night or today. Need to E mail her and say thanks.

That’s it for today. I know it’s a short post for me but it’s been a long day. See ya tomorrow.

Gonna pull lots of weeds today

5/11/07 Friday
Cherie called at three this morning. I was wide awake. She said she would come by today. In our short conversation she asked if I still loved her. I told her I never stopped loving her and never would. She asked why I was tearing the family apart and I said it was already torn apart and had been for years. I explained again that I will continue to fight for her parents to be placed in a safe place appropriate for their age and physical condition or to make sure their home will not remain the nasty hole it had become. My goal was and is for all three sisters to work together with that goal in mind. To allow things to remain the same makes us responsible for anything that may happen. Regardless there is no question that they will eventually have to go someplace like West Park no matter what. So why wait till the last desperate minute when the only choice may be something much less attractive, one of the nursing homes with a reputation or history of abuse?

I think I’m going to pull a lot of weeds today. Skittles hasn’t shown up in five going on six days now so there is a good chance he was coyote food.

I went looking for the source of the leak we had during the rain storm. Lots of places that could be the source and it could well be all of them. The siding on this house is pretty old as you can see and there are chunks coming off. I don't have a clue how to fix this. Will gladly accept advice from any of y'all.
This is typical for all the windows in the house. I don't know if it's supposed to be like this or not. Frankly I'm pretty ignorant of this kind of stuff. I do know that the windows all need to be replaced. One on the other side of the house has a hole where it rotted all the way outside from the evaporative cooler that once was there. The roof above the window shown sags and that doesn't bode well.

Pretty tired because I didn't sleep last night. The pain level is high today and most of it's centered on my lower back. Took three of the pain pills so I could keep moving and get stuff done.

The number of readers of this blog today is the highest it's ever been. I think I will call it a night.

This is it !

5/10/07 Thursday

Content deleted because some do not like the truth and for the sake of my wife. The advice of others was greatly appreciated. I will continue to pursue the goal of insuring my in laws are properly cared for.

Stirring a hornets nest

5/9/07 Wednesday
It’s still raining and predicted to continue doing so all day. There haven’t been any of the deluges like we had recently, a day or three back. As usual my ability to put a time stamp on memories makes it hard to say and I don’t feel like going back in the journal to see. So I won’t be working in the garden today.

Cherie came home with ideas and a new inspiration to keep fixing up the house. After what she saw in her parents house her motivation for keeping things clean and picked up is greatly amplified. She does a good job of that anyway but finding things like used plates, dried up pizza slices, cups, pop bottles, and who knows what else piled up three feet high behind the couch at mom and dad’s really brings things home. The sad part of that is this just touches what you would find in this house dad built, this house that was kept so clean and well. If adult protective services came in they would instantly remove mom and dad for their health and safety. How I want to unleash on this, how I want to expose what has happened over the years. I will bite my tongue for now but I care for mom and dad and this is a detestable thing. It is nasty situation and a more than just wrong. You don’t like me writing about this Cathy? Look around you and tell me you are proud of what you see, what you have allowed, what you are responsible for.

I am sure I have stirred up a hornets nest back in Toledo but it needs to be stirred. It’s the truth and if you don’t like it that’s tough. If you’re not proud of something then change it. Live a life your proud of and have no shame with, one that you can display to the world without embarrassment, one you don’t have to hide away and keep secret.

It is so hard for me not to express myself, to say what I think regardless of the consequences. So back on to our life here in Texas. I am going to start preparing the walls in the living room to be painted, filling in holes and sanding down rough areas and removing the baseboards. We can afford to buy a five gallon bucket of primer for the initial coat. That might even be enough to prime the bedroom also. Things don’t look real clean and picked up here but we are still in transition, still working on things. I suppose some would think I have no room to talk about mom and dad’s house in Toledo because we have blankets hung over the windows and things but that is simply because there is no money for curtains and other stuff we need. We do the best we can with what we have. Regardless it is clean.

I’ve got work to do but first I want to read the January 29 2007 issue of Time Magazine that Cherie picked up at mom’s cardiologists office. It is a special issue on the brain.
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It’s a great set of articles in the Time magazine and I always like learning new things, particularly how you can rewire your brain yourself through meditation techniques and focusing on particular activities. This is successfully done to combat depression and things like obsessive compulsive disorder. Cool stuff that can be powerful when you learn to do it. We are talking Harvard medical studies and stuff.

The readership of this blog has been steadily growing this year. I am amazed and I guess grateful that some find our lives interesting enough to follow. I don’t know if grateful is the word I am looking for but it’s the only one that comes to mind right now. I guess I feel like I have more friends than I thought and certainly less alone. So to y’all – HEY! (that’s the way bob says hello)

Read the comments. They helped Cherie regarding how to approach the problems at her parents. That and reading the old entries in this blog that refer to that subject going back to 2005 when I started this blog.

Night all

She's home

5/8/07 Tuesday
She’s home. Tired and emotionally exhausted but home and happy to be here. Worried a little as I drove to pick her up because I could see the lightning shows from what looked like two thunderstorms. When I got to the airport and looked on the flight monitor I saw it was fine. Sat down in the waiting area in my black dress pants (the ones I can finally fit in) and black shirt with the somewhat bright tie, holding the dozen roses I was lucky to get and waited. Finally folks started coming around the corner and I saw the prettiest face in the world (Ok, I’m just a little biased) break into a smile as she saw me. You could see the toll this trip took on her and her first words were “It’s good to be home”. Ya know there were hugs and kisses but mostly she was tired and wanted to get to the house. She started going through mail and doing things around the house so I had to tell her it could wait and get some sleep.

That’s all I’m gonna write for now. It rained good so I’m going to pull up weeds while the grounds muddy and they come up easy. One of the things Cherie said was “The weeds are so big”. Suckers grow quick when there is rain out here.
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I guess it didn’t rain as much as I thought. Must have gone all around us as there were plenty of big puddles of water just a half mile down the road. The earth is dry where the garden is. I still pulled weeds. Started a new pile for compost. Will get more goat crap (I suppose I should use a nicer word but crap types out quick and isn’t as bad as the other four letter word. Feces just doesn’t have a ring to it) from Kevin’s place to greatly enhance the compost.

Cherie came out after a bit and I gave her a tour of the garden to show her how things have come up and grown over the sixteen days she’s been gone. God I love watching her face as the wonder shows with each new discovery. Showed her the new flowers that came out after she left. They are the ones I have a picture of a few posts ago. Kind of look like a small sunflower. She was ecstatic over how the sunflower seeds have come up. I showed her how I made a bed around the mailbox knowing she would love it. She did. You know, I’ve got this love thing pretty bad. It hasn’t died down any over the three years we’ve been together. Don’t think it ever will.

Cherie brought back some seeds with her so I showed how I had prepared the beds that line our stone walk leading to the front door. Won’t use that as an entrance for some time. The first room, the one that had been a porch and closed in, stinks really bad. There is the reek of mildew but the smell of Skittles pee on top of it makes the assault on the nostrils a one, two, punch. Bam. I will go out there with a bucket of bleach and wash it all down. The mildew will be a big problem as it is in the walls and probably there is mold also. We are considering taking the walls out and returning it to being a porch.

Cherie has started opening up about what she saw and experienced while up in Toledo. The word “sad” just isn’t enough to cover it. There is a burden of sorrow and frustration on her shoulders now. Just so much that is not good and will only get worse if changes are not made. Mom is stuck on her “I’ll wait for God’s will” thing that has been the reason nothing has changed. She will sit on her hands waiting for some magical heavenly intervention instead of doing what she knows needs to be done. At least I hope she knows. Her response to all the work Cherie and Connie have done and the alternative they showed mom and dad was to say “Pray for God’s will”. So folks, pray for God’s will and that His hand be on this whole situation. There is much I want to say but will respect Cherie’s wishes not to get into it. I’ll probably get in trouble just for this but if she asks I’ll remove it.

Just like my horny toad buddy here things can be prickly when you get into it

It’s great to have her home. She’s as happy and relieved to be home as I am to have her here. Just getting away from what breaks her heart is a big help though that doesn’t mean it goes away. Nuff said.
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The rains came. Just for you readers who are not familiar with West Texas’s version of rain I suppose I should describe it for you. I mean rain is rain wherever you go it just comes down a bit harder here than we were used to up north. The weather guys on TV reported three and a half inches in one hour. That is flat unheard of in Toledo. An inch of rain in the course of a day is news up there. There is a reason that many streets are designed to do double duty as drainage ditches. Three to four inches of rain in one hour is a chunk of water real quick.

Flash flood warnings are standard fare here in West Tex and on the maps they show on television they cover large areas consisting of hundreds of miles covering many counties. You can be many miles from where a storm is unloading everything it has and it could even be dry and sunny but all that water has to go somewhere. The land has natural drainage ditches carved out over the eons that are commonly named “Draws”. The danger is that out of the blue a wall of water can come screaming down from a deluge miles away. Now you Texas natives bear with this northern city boy and feel free to correct me of any misconceptions, I’m just putting pieces together. On the way to Kevin’s place (where I get my goat crap) I go across Mustang Draw and it has a flood gauge in the middle that goes to something like six or seven feet. Can’t really remember exact but it’s up there. So the storm has blown over and the sun is coming out. The tail end of this sucker is where it got real windy, much worse than during the deluge. And the wind changed directions also.

Unfortunately I heard Cherie call from the living room “Bob, come here quick and look at this”. I came quick and she showed me where water is bubbling up at the base board. The wall is dry and there was nothing leaking from the window despite it being decrepit and the wind blowing through. Now I have another puzzle to solve. Where is the water coming from? Looking along the baseboard on the north wall this showed on I can see damage from many previous encroachments of water. Not a good sign. It’s an old house with old problems that were never fixed or may have never been noticed. All part of the package.

Cherie is going into Midland now that things are clearing up. She has to get her medicine and can get it at Walmart so I don’t have to worry about her running into flood waters. Walmart is right off the interstate. Think I’ll post this and go look up some more bible verses on holiness. I’m pretty slow but keep plugging away, sometimes. As long as I don’t forget I do. Anyway, see ya next time.

Lots to get done

5/7/07 Monday
There is lots I would like to get done before Cherie gets home. The strain she has been under showed in her E mail to me last night. I think I will need to ask Darrel to reschedule his visit tomorrow. Cherie just needs some time to unwind and relax.

Yesterday was a bad motor control day I guess. Motor control refers to the brains ability to control your muscles with the finesse it needs. I broke the door handle on Cherie’s car and the file I use to sharpen the chain on the chain saw. Glad I don’t have lots of strength in my hands cause I would have squeezed a glass too hard and broke it. Did dent the Styrofoam cup my smoothy from Sonic came in. This isn’t usually a problem.

It could be related to my using the chain saw while on the ladder as I trimmed the mulberry tree. Had to make cuts with one hand as I clung to the ladder with the other. I am unsteady standing on the ground with balance problems as it is, but put me ten feet in the air on a shaky ladder it can be scary. That’s how I broke my neck and sustained the brain injury that resulted in Cherie and my divorce twenty two years ago. So hanging onto the chainsaw with one hand was a workout that may have contributed to this. Don’t matter now. I will see if I can exchange the drivers side handle with the one from the back seat. Hope I don’t get the whole thing tore up and can’t figure out how to get it back together. Did that with the pickup when I bought it and had to repair the passenger side handle. Took it back to the dealer for help. Hard to believe I used to fix B-52’s in the Air Force.

Remember the barn swallow fight? Where I tried for a couple or three weeks to get them to quit building their nest over the door? Well Eric’s suggestion to use bubble wrap worked with some fine tuning. They would just move it out of the way and then were somehow able to get mud to stick so continued building on top of it. After coating it with soapy water they quit. I had mentioned in the post about this how it would be great if I could tell them where they could build with out causing a problem. I figured out how to do that. Took some of the wet nest mud and smeared it where I wouldn’t mind them building their nest and guess what, that’s where they are building. The doctor Doolittle song “If I could talk to the animals” runs through my mind as I think of it.

Cherie asked that I finish building her sewing table. Actually I never really started it other than buying hinges and laying the tops out on my bench. Had formulated a plan on how I would do this job but never drew it out so don’t have a clue what I had in mind cause I forget. If I would start remembering I forget, and do what I was taught to compensate for it, I would be much better off. Speaking of that I should make a list of what I need to get done today to prevent me from wandering from task to task getting little done.

I took three pictures of a huge storm cloud as it developed in order to get all of it in. Will try to see if I can put them side by side here to give an idea of the immensity and for me beauty of this.



I am running just a hair below average regarding my mental acuity this morning. Hopefully that will increase. It’s taken an hour for me to get this much written so need to quit and get working.
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Came in three times to grab something to eat. Got distracted but got things done because of it. I washed the dishes and counter top the first time. The second time Carman kitty let me know in no uncertain terms he wanted to be fed and petted. So both times I went back outside forgetting I need to eat. Didn’t think to do it this morning. Scrambled four eggs so I’ve got fuel in the body and can get back to work.
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This is turning into a “push through” day. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do. Slowed way down. Running about a four on the bob scale. Was working on transplanting some of the squash because way too much came up and I don’t want to waste it. I know the directions said pull up the extra ones so each hill was not over crowded. This is the small wonder spaghetti squash and it’s growing so good I don’t want to let it go. Simple shit is so hard right now. Should pull weeds cause I might not make good decisions. Certainly won’t climb the ladder and work on the trees right now. A chainsaw and having a hard time deciding basics like where to put my foot are a bad combination. This sucks. Got a bad headache too. Will take another pain pill. Took one at 8:00 this morning so it’s ok. Back is killing me.
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2:30 – Just got back from picking up the mail and filling two water bottles. I have cleared up quite a bit. Was thinking as I drove home about this quest I have to get others to understand about TBI (Traumatic Brian Injury). In my case it is very much like being on drugs or perhaps, if you don’t know what being on drugs is like, drinking. There is the same confusion and poor decision making, the same opening your mouth and spouting off without thinking it through, the same loss of emotional control, the same kinds of depression and focusing on your problems, and the same difficulty in understanding or translating what others say. Then there are the times you’re fine, clean, clear, and got it together. If you have looked at the brain injury sites I have links to you can find testimonies of some who have been accused or suspected of using drugs. Part of the confusion is that there is the wide scope of how much damage has been done and what parts of the brain were most affected so no two are the same.

By the way, just because someone has a brain injury doesn’t mean he/she is stupid. That is another common misperception. This can make things hard for others also when it comes to someone like me. My tested IQ is 136, which is on the bottom end of the genius scale. So in conversations others can tell I’m no dummy but in others I quite frankly am. Sometimes I remember things clearly and others I can’t. My joke has been that I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you will ever meet. It just depends on the moment you meet me. I thought up another one a few days ago (It helps to try and find humor in a situation) That would be “I am a genius disguised as a dumb person”. If that’s humorous I really don’t know but I try. There is always that being a little out of touch part of things with TBI. Telling a joke you think is funny but no one gets and laughing because you think someone told a joke but didn’t. Just a little out of touch. Why I go on about this I don’t know. Perhaps I am trying to understand why people are uncomfortable with me but another reality is they could well not be uncomfortable at all but I perceive it that way.

What I do know is my wife loves me and not just understands this mental seesaw I’m on but tolerates these swings with an amazing grace. Time to get off this soap box and go see if I can fix the door handle on the car. Think I’ll call Eric first and see if he knows a good florist so I can pick up some flowers to greet Cherie with. How I look forward to her coming home, to being complete and enjoying the security she brings.
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Well, Cherie’s flight will be a half hour late at last notice. Thanks Janie. I’ve been going nuts, feel like a kid on his first date? I couldn’t say because the first date I ever had was with Cherie in bible college. I was 22. The years prior to that were…well it was drugs, street, and nothing that resembled a relationship.

I went to get flowers and figured forty five minutes would be enough time to find the place. Didn’t want the flowers to wilt and the flower shop closed at 7:00 so tried to time it. Couldn’t find Andrews Highway. Been on it dozens of times but couldn’t seem to locate it. Finally I called the flower shop with only five minutes till it closed. The lady gave me directions starting with “Turn right on Midkiff”. I did and when I saw I was almost to the loop knew I was going the wrong way. I was already driving aggressively but now it escalated. There’s that emotional control issue. Waved at a few people with my middle finger and had plenty of things to say. Just as I pulled up to the flower shop the cell phone rang. It was Cherie. Bad timing and I feel bad. I ranted about how I wanted to get her roses (so much for surprising her) and the “Dumb broad” that gave me wrong directions and how they just closed. Cherie said her flight was going to be late and I apologized for being in a crappy mood.

Felt pretty bad and still do. So there was an employee who was obviously waiting for her ride that observed this. She asked what I wanted and then said “wait here” and ran to the back of the building. Next thing I know the owner is unlocking the front door and has me come in. He showed me the roses and asked which ones I wanted. I said “just grab one. They all look the same” and gratefully paid for them.

I had wanted to get a haircut to look nice because I haven’t had one in months. Cherie cut it the last time to save money and I really didn’t feel it was a necessary expense so it’s a bit long and shaggy. I haven’t worried about how I look in…years now. But I sure do want to look good for Cherie. Never sweated over which tie looks right like I was doing just a few minutes ago. A tie? I don't even wear one to church. Got the hair slicked down and it’s time to hit the road. Don’t even want to be late for this.

See ya.

Got to get ready

5/6/07 Sunday
Well I ended yesterdays entry saying I hoped I got a good nights sleep and wake refreshed. I slept well as far as I know and woke up lucid and clear. It’s 3:30 in the morning. ???I’ll take what I can get. Got the coffee on and am going to heat up a pot water to take my bath with. Then I will continue the studies I started in the bible yesterday. Woke up with scriptures in my mind that I want to look up. Seems there’s a whole lot of them running around up there this morning. Oh!! I hear the coffee maker is done so I’ll get a cup and get moving while the time is good.

Tired, which is understandable. Church was fine. I got there early and enjoyed talking with James for a while before things got going. I pinned Darrel down on a time to get together. He asked what I wanted to talk about which I expected. He will come over on Tuesday at 6:00 PM. Wish it would have been a day or three later cause Cherie will be home late Monday night. I’ll take what I can get.

I’ve got lots to do in preparation for my baby coming home. It will be so good to see her but she has much that is weighing heavy on her mind.

Foggy out and now in too

5/5/07 Saturday
It’s foggy out this morning as it has been since the rains came. Didn’t get to sleep till after midnight. Climbing on that tree with the chainsaw seems to have increased an area of pain that has recently been becoming more noticeable. That is in my right hip. Not good. I know about the issues of hip joint deterioration from a guy we knew in Toledo who had his replaced. Getting older ain’t fun, especially when you spent a lifetime beating yourself up. Like it says, that rule you can’t escape from, “you reap what you sow”. Been doing a lot of reaping lately. But, by the same token, I’ve been sowing lots of good seed since I woke up. Haven’t been able to do much of that since we moved to West Texas due to being a little isolated but that is slowly changing.

While I’m thinking of it let me slip this in. Got the E mail from pastor I’ve been looking for. The time stamp says it came in at four this morning. Dave gave me a brief rundown of his recent activity and some of what he will be doing soon. Dude, (a non West Texas word) you gotta slow down, give yourself some breathing room. But being a pastor has it’s price, definitely not your nine to five occupation. Eric was talking about the toll just helping with the charitable giving at his church, the cost that comes with caring. Yet the rewards are much greater. Helping others is addictive when you see the smiles and improved lives. From the Christian point of view you are laying up treasures in heaven, not here on earth.

Time to get out to the garden and take advantage of this cooler part of the day. It is great to see some plants springing up, getting past that delicate first stage when a little thing can destroy it. For me this is school, this is preparing for a future with this land we are blessed with. The more mistakes I make the more I learn. Making the same ones over again helps cement them in this brain, you know, repetition. Don’t like it but if that’s what it takes that’s the way it is.

Gonna start some more flats of tomatoes and peppers, and whatever else I can think of. Should do much better with good dirt and the lessons hopefully learned from previous attempts. Will set up some trellises that I will make from some of the scrap that this farm was littered with. There is a British cucumber that looks interesting and the instructions on the back recommend the trellis.

I bought some of that sprinkler hose that leaks water into the ground when I went on my shopping spree at Walfart the other day. They had some where you make your own hoses to custom lengths and divisions which were a much better buy than the premade stuff as well as being better suited to our application. Want to get more goat crap today. We’ll see how that goes as it’s a weekend and I don’t like intruding. I’ve been slowly emptying the garbage cans that I had filled with the compost I shoveled off the ground at Aldredge nursery just for that purpose. They are smaller so will be easier for me to move about. Will also take the furniture dolly to roll them around when full.

I also want to start cleaning the house in preparation for Cherie coming home. One of the projects I have neglected is building her sewing table. Need to put that up on the list. I’ll have to buy some wood for that. Hoped to use some of the mulberry wood that is so pretty finished but don’t have the tools I need to mill it into usable pieces. Still putting aside lengths of the limbs for future use.

Took my medicine and will go cook some food to make sure I eat today. My weight has stabilized and remains at the 200 pounds it was a few days ago so I suppose that’s a good thing. The gut I had when we came down here is mostly gone, works for me. Those last two sentences were hard to write as this one is. Have to search hard for the words to use and how to structure the sentence. It’s a marked change from when I started this post so may indicate a slow down. It may not also. Think I need to focus on something else, choose a basic task that doesn’t require me to think. Scrambling eggs will be a good start.

Definitely a slow down. Ears ringing has increased and have that dizzy head pressurized feeling along with my ability to type and put together words is pretty slow. That was a tough sentence to write. Done for now.
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Been pulling weeds. That’s a good thing for me to do when slow. Am doing much better now as evidenced by my fingers dancing on this keyboard and how quickly I formulate sentences. That’s how quick things can change with me. Going to run over to the John Deere dealership to see a Ronnie? Cook. Not sure of the first name but repeated the last in my mind enough for it to stay. Bud Glassman stopped as I was pulling weeds and I asked who owned the property on the corner that has a pond surrounded with mesquite trees. He said Mr. Cook was the one that farms it. I want to get permission to cut dead wood out of there to stock up for next winter. Gotta plan ahead on stuff like that cause waiting for the last minute can lead to a cold winter. Rather do it myself than ask for a handout.

It always makes me nervous when this laptop hiccups. Screen just went to that half size thing and wouldn’t let me scroll up or down. Had to close it all the way out and back up again to fix. After I post this I’ll run the spyware and restart. It gets funny if I don’t turn it off now and then.

Talked to Ronny (Yep, it was his first name) and he said it was fine for me to cut firewood out of there as long as I didn’t drive on the field. Not a problem as I’d need four wheel drive to do that anyway. I stopped and looked at the place and it will involve carrying the wood a ways so I’ll have to take the wheelbarrow to carry the wood to the truck. Boy you can sure see where the coyotes bed down. Got grass laid down in all kinds of spots. There are maybe a hundred dove living in this little sanctuary. I should go take some pictures of it.

Bud Glassman said I could cut wood off his property that is three miles or so up the road. I’ll look at that to see if it’s easier to get at. At the price they charge for firewood here in West Tex I might be able to make a few extra bucks that we could certainly use. I’ll see how this body handles it first. Regardless I’m getting what we need for next winter. Speaking of that it’s time to take another pain pill. Much as I don’t like them they sure help me be able to get stuff done.
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Went to the place that I think Bud said was his. There was tons of mesquite bushes but no real trees with trunks of any usable size. There could have been some but if there were they weren’t anywhere I could see which means anywhere easy to get too. These mesquites have two to three inch thorns that will make short work of a tire. Leroy told me they flatten his tractor tire. There were a bunch of old telephone pole fence posts as well as some full length poles. Those I can use as things get bigger here on the farm. Also saw a big pile of rocks that would be great for building fences or lining garden beds. Hmm, there’s a thought. Think I’ll wander over there and pick up a few. Right now I’m gonna get some flats prepared to try this seed starting thing. Third times the charm, right? I’m sure it will be better because “I got good dirt, maann”. (Said with a hippy drawl) Time for me to do what mama always said not to, go play in the dirt.
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I suppose that when you find yourself falling asleep on the toilette your mind is giving you a subtle hint that you need to take your nap. Hate to do that when I am getting things done. At least I got one flat planted. Thought I had more pepper plants. I think that now that we have a couple of bucks where our next meal is not in doubt I should spring for fresh seeds. I was surprised to see they are only a buck at Walfart. Somewhere in this mind I had the idea that seeds cost much much more. I don’t know, just go day to day seeing everything for the first time again and again. Can’t believe it’s already four. Will grab this nap that I need to have whether I like it or not. Again it’s like I’m 80 years old, same kind of crap they go through needing naps and getting confused. See ya when I wake up.
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I am still wiped despite it being 7:30.
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9:00 – Something drained my energy. That’s a good indication the slow down I had earlier was a serious one. Didn’t write down when it happened as far as the time goes but it just have been before or after the entry where I was falling asleep on the toilette. Reading that entry again I see I said it was 4:00. I do remember having dreams that were strange and disjointed though the details are gone. Still have what I call a thick head which is a headache that feels like there is pressure building up inside and thinking is like walking through deep sand. Haven’t shaved or washed up for church tomorrow so I’ll have to do that in the morning. I heated up the rest of the rice, bean, and everything else I could throw in I had yesterday to make sure there was some protein in this body. Started to do a short study on holiness in the bible because Eric’s post on his blog spurred my interest. Just wasn’t able to follow my own train of thought.

It’s a good thing my ears are sensitive. That is also part of the brain injury where my ability to filter things out is affected. That filtering is what lets you tune out things like the sounds of things like an air conditioner and the buzz of fluorescent light fixtures. Anyway, I heard a click from the kitchen and recognized it as the thermostat on the hot plate turning the juice on and off. Sure enough I had left it on after heating up my food. Getting up to deal with that I remembered to check if I took my medicine. No didn’t do that either.

Hope I get a good nights sleep and wake refreshed. Don’t like being in public when I’m not up to speed and church has become a stressful time for me. Part of that is my fault but fault doesn’t make things easier. Good night.

Gonna get hot

5/4/07 Friday
Gotta get to work early. The Dipel dust biological insecticide should be put on early when there is a little dew on the plants as that helps it stick on. I also picked up a big bag of sulfur. There was a guy at Aldredge who was real helpful and went out of his way to get my question on how to apply the dust. Think his name is Bill. Great guy. We talked about my wreck and other things as well. It was he who told me about using the sulfur around borders of the garden to keep bugs from coming in. Love good advice.

So I’m doing great this morning. Woke up well rested and mentally sharp. It’s going to hit 91 or so degrees today, which is another reason to get out there early. See ya. Gonna scramble some eggs and get going.
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It is frustrating to repeat the same mistake over again. I put the one remaining flat, the one I posted a picture of yesterday, out in the sun thinking it would be good for them to get a short burst of sunlight. I figured that I would just let it have maybe an hours worth of sun then pull it out. Now I know I have a short term memory problem and sometimes compensate for it through the methodologies taught me at the Brain Injury Institute in St Louis. I also know that common sense is often absent. I fried the flat. Maybe two or three of the plants will survive.

Been out planting more corn. Seem to be able to handle that OK. I’m looking forward to seeing the difference having fertilizer, compost, and the bone meal will make. I only put the bone meal on one type of corn and mixed it with fertilizer and compost with another. This I am keeping notes on. It will help me learn what works and what doesn’t.

With that finished I have returned to looking at the seeds we have and trying to decide what to put where as well as what needs to be started indoors or planted directly outside. Unfortunately I have to go over the same territory I’ve already traveled several times. Just like when I try to read a book I have to start over every time I pick it up because I don’t remember what it said I must do the same with what I studied on the seeds. Need to take notes I can refer too.

It’s 1:00 now so I need to fix something to eat. Best do it now before I forget again.
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Looked in the fridge and found the rice and bean mix I had gotten from the church dinner last week and some rice and chicken I had made who knows when. The fridge, despite me turning the thermostat as warm as it will go, still will freeze the ice tea but slowly. I would guess the temp is just barely freezing cause the eggs haven’t frozen. With this in mind I trust the food is still good despite maybe being old. So I mixed the two together adding some Lowry’s season salt and Worcestershire sauce. Stayed with it this time so I wouldn’t again burn the food. So I ate.

Had to take another pain pill. Took one this morning cause I woke up with back pain and working on the garden didn’t help none. I checked my E mail, hoping to hear from pastor, and see that I got my monthly newsletter from LA Publishing They’re the firm that specializes in material related to traumatic brain injuries. The parent firm is Lash and Associates. I have a link to them on my links list to the right or you can click on the name here. You oughta just go and look at the things they have. These are materials designed for caregivers, parents, and educators to help them understand and work with TBI survivors. Just perusing the titles of these programs and books will give you an idea of what our issues can be. I am continually trying to get others to understand but with little luck. Some have said that I use my brain injury as an excuse to do or say things, to justify being obnoxious or whatever it is. That was up in Toledo. It’s not an excuse but an explanation. The key in these things is communication, to talk things out and help the survivor to understand what he/she is doing. All of these programs are for working with survivors, not watching from a distance and judging based on standards that aren’t fair to apply. I’ll shut up now.

No I won't. Please go to the Survivors Forum at LA's site to read of what many of us have experienced.

It’s the end of a day. I got the chainsaw and ladder out and attacked one of the mulberry trees in the front yard. Started out with the tree pruner I bought yesterday but chipped a tooth off it right away. Took it back and exchanged it about 8:00 or so. You can tell it’s Friday cause folks are driving nuts. On the way into Midland a pick up veered off the highway. At first I thought he did it on purpose as I’ve seen lots of folks make their own exits off the highway out here. But he kept going without slowing down right into the field running over a few of the mesquite bushes that were about as tall as the truck. Then the guy drifted to a stop. I slowed down and was going to turn around to see if he was alright but another pick up was already doing that so I went on to Midland. On top of that I had two birds fly into the truck. I guess it’s Friday for everyone.

Coming home I turned on the TV. It never fails to amaze me the commercials companies make designed to sell their products. This one I just have to comment on. It opens with a Zoo guy who was caring for an elephant. The guy has a cold and keeps sneezing. So far so good. The elephant obviously cares about his keeper. The dummy had his credit card out while he washed the elephant so when he sneezes his way off stage the elephant picks it up with it’s trunk. OK, so now what. Said elephant saunters his way out of the zoo and walks to a city that is obviously about fifty miles away. Yeah, dumb and unrealistic but that’s OK. Most of this stuff is made at a third grade level anyway.

But now it gets sad. The commercial is to advertise the new credit cards that can be waved in front of a machine that reads them. So this elephant goes on a shopping spree with the credit card it stole. Not one clerk questioned why this elephant had a credit card, no id’s were checked, nothing. Now that’s a credit card to look forward too. Of course every crook in the country is looking forward to it also. Yeah, this commercial convinced me alright. Convinced me I don’t want it.

The best end of a day is to talk with Cherie. She’s doing better and things are progressing towards getting both parents in a home. Come to find out it’s one I did a marketing program for maybe eight years ago. Great place, small world. When Cherie started to tell me about it the memories of the place came back as memories often do with triggers. I started telling Cherie about some of the selling points and services they offer. Go figure. So things are looking good in that area. There is still a lot of things that need to be taken care of. Mostly getting the finances under control. It won’t all be settled before Cherie has to come home and that’s a shame. But things are set in motion so it looks good.

It’s 11:00 and I’m wide awake. Think I’ll look at what I will plant where and how. Some of the seeds actually need to be put in the refrigerator to get them to germinate. Some have to be “bottom fed”. That’s where I pour the water into the flat so it soaks up from the bottom. I’ve got a lot of this stuff downloaded now so that should help me figure things out.

Night all.

Lots of dreams

5/3/07 Thursday
Slept restlessly, lots of dreams. Woke up at 4:00 and Carman kitty thought that was his signal to start demanding attention. As I tried to burrow deeper under the covers because it got cold he purred, licked my nose, and crawled on top of my head. Despite that I fell back asleep. Just woke up at 7:00. Fed kitty (like he gave me a choice) and got the coffee on. A little foggy now but am still waking up. Not one of those snap awake kind of mornings.

Not sure what I am to do this morning. I know I have to get a dust sprayer or whatever is needed for the Dipel dust insecticide. I plan on getting more of the goat droppings but may wait till it dries simply to reduce the weight. That last batch still hurts. I planted another bed of corn but have to finish digging the other three I started. I also need to start digging where I am thinking the tomatoes and peppers will go. Would love to have a tiller, that would speed things up, but at the same time I’ve got all that space Leroy tilled with his tractor for me. Deciding what will go where is a problem for me. Has been a struggle for the last two months or however long it’s been. I can dig and prepare but making simple decisions is a challenge.

Looks like I’ll have to start the day with a pain pill. Don’t know what I did but the back is definitely letting me know it’s there. Better take it and my regular meds now before I forget.
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Thought I’d take a picture of some of my gardening trials. This is the one starter flat I’ve gotten going. The previous two were totally unsuccessful, I think having old seeds and really poor soil had a hand in that but my general incompetence certainly finished off anything that managed to sprout. It’s tight on this one as well. With this new dirt I gleaned from Aldredge I have higher hopes of success. As in all things time will tell. The lettuces also failed to come up with the exception of two. That’s not a surprise as it needs cold soil to sprout.

Been meaning to E-mail pastor Dave and been forgetting as is often the case. Just want to stay in touch and get feedback on how I am doing as far as learning to get along. Think I’m doing better but when your memories aren’t clear it is hard to be sure.
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It’s been a long day and I am worn out. Cherie called while I was out pulling weeds. Always good to hear her voice. Because she will be coming back Monday it is rush time up there. So much to do and not enough time. Her other sister, Connie, will be coming up tomorrow. Wish I could tell you what’s going on but really can’t. Maybe when it all plays out I will. I told Cherie I admired her and that she was a strong woman to take these things on. She will have to go back up there later to help finish getting mom and dad settled in a new and safe place where they can be well cared for in the twilight years of their lives.

That’s it for today folks. Sleep well and come back tomorrow.

Storms coming

5/2/07 Wednesday
Sleep avoided me last night like a man who owes you money. My typing speed tells me this brain is not operating at optimum. I would place it at a four on the Bob scale. Already been wandering back and forth getting breakfast ready. Went to get my first cup of the coffee I just made and came back with a glass of milk. Lots of that.

There are serious thunderstorms on the way. The television weather said there were golf ball to baseball size hail reported over near Odessa. I think I’ll clear the garage enough to get Cherie’s car in. It has bare minimum insurance. The truck has more though I am clueless if it covers hail damage. Can hear thunder so need to get my clothes on and moving. Wednesday is cleanup day where I shave and take a full “Stand uppy” (that’s what we call them) bath. Be a good day if storms keep me indoors. Took my morning meds and ate. Gotta move.
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It’s almost here now. The weather is saying winds are up to 70 miles an hour. Lots of reports of up to softball size hail. It’s just starting to rain and blow outside. I pulled the cars as far into the garage as I can. Cherie’s car is the most important in my mind despite it is much older and worth much less than the truck. I put a piece of carpet on the exposed part of her rear window and closed the garage door as far down as it will go. Unfortunately this is as far as I can get the truck in. Figure the garage will ward off any hail that may fall. The worst of the storm looks like it will be just south of us. Gee, I think I’ll put off working in the garden for a while. One of the plans we had made when we thought there would be $20,000 cash from the inheritance was to build a car port to protect from just this kind of thing. Oh well, the best laid plans...
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Just came in to put the last of the coffee in my cup. Been setting out on the veranda with my coffee watching the storm and admiring the force of nature. Skittles surprisingly did not go in the garage but after meowing loudly in the hope I would let him in settled in the chair he often sleeps in. When I went out to watch the storm he hopped on my lap where I petted him as things got crazy. Little sucker was damp and now I smell like wet cat. There was a little bit of hail at the start of things, about marble size. I watched as birds sought shelter. One of the barn swallows found a place in this veranda and I saw a few make their way into the garage where there is a gape at the top from the partly closed doors. One poor bird is in the mulberry tree out front and I watched as a wind gust would knock it off it’s perch. It desperately flew against the wind to get back on. The wind was so strong it barely made it back despite furiously flapping it’s wings.

Lots of flooding reports as some places are getting two inches of rain in an hour. Water up to the windshields in some places. "Flash flood" is a term you hear lots here in West Texas and for you folks who read this from other parts of the country and even the world it is an accurate description. The streets out here are often designed to serve as drainage channels during these deluges. You have to be careful driving on them dry cause if you hit them at speed you will bottom out the car and even launch off the ground. With these deluges water comes fast and hard, turning roads into instant rivers and parking lots into lakes. It can sweep a car off the road in a heartbeat and be very dangerous.

Some of the pictures I am watching on TV are incredible. There's a school bus having a problem getting across. They are running a list of the closed roads like they run lists of closed schools up north with the snow storms. There was a semi on the interstate that was blown over. Just heard on the TV that there have been some 80 mile per hour winds. More reports of hail the size of softballs. How mind boggling that is. And not an unheard of thing out here. Hard to imagine. They are showing houses that are flooded and rescue crews are working to get people out of them.

This has just about passed over us from the radar picture they showed. Actually it has slowed down dramatically outside. Think it will be a good time to work on the other blog I wish to start.
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Everything has settled down weather wise. I went into town to get the mail and picked up a hot dog at Sonic for lunch. Cleared up a little during the storm, or at least I think I did. It’s hard to tell when I don’t have to interact with someone. Not real speedy at the moment and have a headache that is increasing. Hard to motivate. Went online to find out how many vehicles travel this part of I-20 on an average day but it will cost ten dollars to get that information from the Texas Department of Transportation. Forget that. If I don’t get better I’ll skip the church dinner. Hate to do it. Tired. Haven’t cleaned up or shaved. Real irritable. The sound of Carman kitty cleaning himself next to me is driving me crazy and I yelled at him and pushed him off the bed. Not good. When I’m running at this emotional level I’ll tell someone to “kiss my ass” at the slightest provocation. Don’t like it but it’s part of the emotional instability that comes with the brain injury. Another reason to not go out because others won’t understand. Maybe I should say that some choose to not understand simply by keeping a distance and not trying. Not a good time for me to write now. Hope this improves by dinner time. Really want to keep the doors open for Cherie’s sake.
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Cherie just called. God it’s good to hear her voice. Just changed my whole mood. Mom is doing well and was able to eat some more of the pureed food. If she keeps that they will be able to take the feeding tube out of her stomach. Cherie and her youngest sister may have found an option for mom and dad. Dad is a combat veteran from the Korean war and there is some grant money available. There are some other things she must deal with but she asked me not to speak of them on this blog. She did want me to thank all of you who have been praying. She is so very grateful. Thanks folks.

Went to the church dinner. I keep thinking it starts at 6:30 and thought I was getting there early at 6:15. They were already in line getting food. It was the same way when I went “early” before so I would be able to talk a bit with pastor Dave. Of course I didn’t quite remember the time so repeated the mistake.

I had already decided not to eat before I went. Just didn’t feel like it and wanted to spend time talking with others instead of eating. I did grab a piece of the German chocolate cake to not seem rude when the guy, who had shown me a piece of finished mesquite a while ago in the Sunday school class, said I should grab some food. I told him I wasn’t hungry which is pretty much the truth all the time. Him and his wife sat next to me. When I went in I didn’t see pastor Dave so sat at a table that was empty. Felt safer that way. Peggy made it a point to sit next to me and we talked, actually she talked and I did more listening. She asked if I remembered a girl back when I had attended First Baptist in 1978. This was after I got out of prison and was waiting till I was allowed to go to the bible college. I don’t remember her at all, not even a glimmer. Peggy had a lot to say and I was glad to hear it, just feel bad that I wasn’t able to absorb everything she said. Just came too fast for me to process it all.

I just remembered the name of the other guy. It is James and I remember because that is the same name of the guy at the Circle Six camp. One of the more open people I’ve met here. His wife is also and they both asked how mom was doing. I explained quite a lot of what she’s facing up there. They are understanding about this and said they will pray. Some other people asked about her also. Darrel said something as I passed by but I didn’t quite hear it so asked him to repeat it. He asked how I was doing I think. This opened a conversation, mostly with his wife, who also asked about Cherie. Can’t really remember much more of the conversation. I did tell Darrel that I would like to sit down and talk with him. Had wanted to set a time and place but never did.

I was getting a little dizzy where closing my eyes made my head spin so didn’t close them when everyone prayed. That and tired on top of thinking about everything Cherie had said when she called earlier so I was not on top of things. Doesn’t matter cause I seldom am anyway. Still tired so should sleep better than last night. Kevin did stop by and joked about how it didn’t look like I got much of the goat crap. I let him know that I would probably be getting more on a regular basis. That was fine with him. Television is crap as usual so will call it a night early. Tomorrow I have to buy something to spray this biological insecticide I bought at Aldredge. It’s a dust. The directions don’t say how to apply it just how much and for what so I’ll have to go ask them. Something chewed up some of the melons that were coming up. The rain and hail did some damage also. Beat it up pretty good. It’s all part of the game. I’ll learn and then learn again till it stays.

Night all.