Lots to get done

5/7/07 Monday
There is lots I would like to get done before Cherie gets home. The strain she has been under showed in her E mail to me last night. I think I will need to ask Darrel to reschedule his visit tomorrow. Cherie just needs some time to unwind and relax.

Yesterday was a bad motor control day I guess. Motor control refers to the brains ability to control your muscles with the finesse it needs. I broke the door handle on Cherie’s car and the file I use to sharpen the chain on the chain saw. Glad I don’t have lots of strength in my hands cause I would have squeezed a glass too hard and broke it. Did dent the Styrofoam cup my smoothy from Sonic came in. This isn’t usually a problem.

It could be related to my using the chain saw while on the ladder as I trimmed the mulberry tree. Had to make cuts with one hand as I clung to the ladder with the other. I am unsteady standing on the ground with balance problems as it is, but put me ten feet in the air on a shaky ladder it can be scary. That’s how I broke my neck and sustained the brain injury that resulted in Cherie and my divorce twenty two years ago. So hanging onto the chainsaw with one hand was a workout that may have contributed to this. Don’t matter now. I will see if I can exchange the drivers side handle with the one from the back seat. Hope I don’t get the whole thing tore up and can’t figure out how to get it back together. Did that with the pickup when I bought it and had to repair the passenger side handle. Took it back to the dealer for help. Hard to believe I used to fix B-52’s in the Air Force.

Remember the barn swallow fight? Where I tried for a couple or three weeks to get them to quit building their nest over the door? Well Eric’s suggestion to use bubble wrap worked with some fine tuning. They would just move it out of the way and then were somehow able to get mud to stick so continued building on top of it. After coating it with soapy water they quit. I had mentioned in the post about this how it would be great if I could tell them where they could build with out causing a problem. I figured out how to do that. Took some of the wet nest mud and smeared it where I wouldn’t mind them building their nest and guess what, that’s where they are building. The doctor Doolittle song “If I could talk to the animals” runs through my mind as I think of it.

Cherie asked that I finish building her sewing table. Actually I never really started it other than buying hinges and laying the tops out on my bench. Had formulated a plan on how I would do this job but never drew it out so don’t have a clue what I had in mind cause I forget. If I would start remembering I forget, and do what I was taught to compensate for it, I would be much better off. Speaking of that I should make a list of what I need to get done today to prevent me from wandering from task to task getting little done.

I took three pictures of a huge storm cloud as it developed in order to get all of it in. Will try to see if I can put them side by side here to give an idea of the immensity and for me beauty of this.



I am running just a hair below average regarding my mental acuity this morning. Hopefully that will increase. It’s taken an hour for me to get this much written so need to quit and get working.
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Came in three times to grab something to eat. Got distracted but got things done because of it. I washed the dishes and counter top the first time. The second time Carman kitty let me know in no uncertain terms he wanted to be fed and petted. So both times I went back outside forgetting I need to eat. Didn’t think to do it this morning. Scrambled four eggs so I’ve got fuel in the body and can get back to work.
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This is turning into a “push through” day. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do. Slowed way down. Running about a four on the bob scale. Was working on transplanting some of the squash because way too much came up and I don’t want to waste it. I know the directions said pull up the extra ones so each hill was not over crowded. This is the small wonder spaghetti squash and it’s growing so good I don’t want to let it go. Simple shit is so hard right now. Should pull weeds cause I might not make good decisions. Certainly won’t climb the ladder and work on the trees right now. A chainsaw and having a hard time deciding basics like where to put my foot are a bad combination. This sucks. Got a bad headache too. Will take another pain pill. Took one at 8:00 this morning so it’s ok. Back is killing me.
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2:30 – Just got back from picking up the mail and filling two water bottles. I have cleared up quite a bit. Was thinking as I drove home about this quest I have to get others to understand about TBI (Traumatic Brian Injury). In my case it is very much like being on drugs or perhaps, if you don’t know what being on drugs is like, drinking. There is the same confusion and poor decision making, the same opening your mouth and spouting off without thinking it through, the same loss of emotional control, the same kinds of depression and focusing on your problems, and the same difficulty in understanding or translating what others say. Then there are the times you’re fine, clean, clear, and got it together. If you have looked at the brain injury sites I have links to you can find testimonies of some who have been accused or suspected of using drugs. Part of the confusion is that there is the wide scope of how much damage has been done and what parts of the brain were most affected so no two are the same.

By the way, just because someone has a brain injury doesn’t mean he/she is stupid. That is another common misperception. This can make things hard for others also when it comes to someone like me. My tested IQ is 136, which is on the bottom end of the genius scale. So in conversations others can tell I’m no dummy but in others I quite frankly am. Sometimes I remember things clearly and others I can’t. My joke has been that I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person you will ever meet. It just depends on the moment you meet me. I thought up another one a few days ago (It helps to try and find humor in a situation) That would be “I am a genius disguised as a dumb person”. If that’s humorous I really don’t know but I try. There is always that being a little out of touch part of things with TBI. Telling a joke you think is funny but no one gets and laughing because you think someone told a joke but didn’t. Just a little out of touch. Why I go on about this I don’t know. Perhaps I am trying to understand why people are uncomfortable with me but another reality is they could well not be uncomfortable at all but I perceive it that way.

What I do know is my wife loves me and not just understands this mental seesaw I’m on but tolerates these swings with an amazing grace. Time to get off this soap box and go see if I can fix the door handle on the car. Think I’ll call Eric first and see if he knows a good florist so I can pick up some flowers to greet Cherie with. How I look forward to her coming home, to being complete and enjoying the security she brings.
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Well, Cherie’s flight will be a half hour late at last notice. Thanks Janie. I’ve been going nuts, feel like a kid on his first date? I couldn’t say because the first date I ever had was with Cherie in bible college. I was 22. The years prior to that were…well it was drugs, street, and nothing that resembled a relationship.

I went to get flowers and figured forty five minutes would be enough time to find the place. Didn’t want the flowers to wilt and the flower shop closed at 7:00 so tried to time it. Couldn’t find Andrews Highway. Been on it dozens of times but couldn’t seem to locate it. Finally I called the flower shop with only five minutes till it closed. The lady gave me directions starting with “Turn right on Midkiff”. I did and when I saw I was almost to the loop knew I was going the wrong way. I was already driving aggressively but now it escalated. There’s that emotional control issue. Waved at a few people with my middle finger and had plenty of things to say. Just as I pulled up to the flower shop the cell phone rang. It was Cherie. Bad timing and I feel bad. I ranted about how I wanted to get her roses (so much for surprising her) and the “Dumb broad” that gave me wrong directions and how they just closed. Cherie said her flight was going to be late and I apologized for being in a crappy mood.

Felt pretty bad and still do. So there was an employee who was obviously waiting for her ride that observed this. She asked what I wanted and then said “wait here” and ran to the back of the building. Next thing I know the owner is unlocking the front door and has me come in. He showed me the roses and asked which ones I wanted. I said “just grab one. They all look the same” and gratefully paid for them.

I had wanted to get a haircut to look nice because I haven’t had one in months. Cherie cut it the last time to save money and I really didn’t feel it was a necessary expense so it’s a bit long and shaggy. I haven’t worried about how I look in…years now. But I sure do want to look good for Cherie. Never sweated over which tie looks right like I was doing just a few minutes ago. A tie? I don't even wear one to church. Got the hair slicked down and it’s time to hit the road. Don’t even want to be late for this.

See ya.