Hate reminders

7/6/07 Friday
Still depressed. I hate reminders that I have a problem, that I have a damaged brain. When I talk to others I tell them that my IQ was tested at 136 and confidently assert that I am still smart and can do fantastic things, blah blah blah. But then I find simple things I’ve done wrong. Denial is a word that comes up often in the literature on traumatic brain injury. I don’t want to acknowledge how much I have lost. I don’t want to. It is like admitting defeat and resigning myself to my fate so to speak. It is like giving up. But it is hard not to. There is so much potential here and we now have people who can encourage us and give a helping hand when needed but even that is hard. I have a hard time with the concept that I need help. Cherie does to and was not at all comfortable when I told her she should take Janie up on her offer to use their washing machine for laundry. Stanton has a new laundrymat now so that will make things easier.

I will go plant more of the monkey grass now. Perhaps I’ll work on the apple trees. Some of them may not make it but that is no surprise as they were in horrible shape when we got them. There is so much to do but escaping into work sometimes helps. At least we got a good night’s sleep on our first night on the new mattress.
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I over did it outside. The pain level is up and the carpal tunnel crap makes holding a fork hard. Janie just called. She was talking with some farmers or friends who suggested spraying the weeds with some kind of weed killer. They told her it won’t hurt what we are growing in the garden. I’m not worried about that, we just don’t want to be exposed to these kinds of poisons ourselves. The cancer rates among farmers is much higher than many other occupations. I guess a concern they had about running a shredder was what might be hidden under the weeds. Janie was running stuff by me faster than I could process. I am pretty wiped from being out in the sun and a little slow so I let her know that and we ended the conversation. Perhaps we can continue it tomorrow. I am laying down and probably will have to call it a day. Need to go close up the garage first. Should have taken the afternoon nap but pushed through because focusing on work helps me not focus on other things.