Insecurity

7/10/09 Friday
I am enduring one of those bouts of paranoia. It’s not the kind where you think someone is spying on you or anything like that, it’s the kind I go through almost every day. I’ve written about it many times. I write to talk about what my life is like, to bare my inner thoughts and fears, and also with the hope of gaining understanding. What I worry about is what I say and how it’s received. I know some will think I’m making excuses for bad behavior. I didn’t want to be declared disabled, didn’t ask for that, but the VA made that assessment when I was receiving care when I was homeless.

One of the reasons they declared me disabled is a common problem with TBI, that’s labeled as “inappropriate behavior” along with a lack of social skills. I say things and wish I didn’t. Sometimes I realize it was wrong and sometimes I don’t have a clue. When someone bought me a brand new set of cordless tools I said something about them being the size a woman would use, not the kind needed on a farm. As soon as I said that I wished I could take it back. It’s a form of extreme honesty that isn’t appropriate at all, but these things keep coming out of my mouth. Often I just don’t understand or wrongly interpret what was said. The bible says “to the pure all things are pure” so I must think that to the rest of us we see the “impurity” in things. And I probably see things that aren’t there. I fear that people keep away from me because of this and am sure that others sense how uncomfortable I am and thus are uncomfortable as well. This is a reason I isolate so much. When others are talking I’ll walk a few steps away because I don’t want to be in the way and presume that’s how they want it. At a friends place recently he went inside his house. I just sat down on the lawn and didn’t follow. I wonder if that bothered him. I just didn’t know if he wanted me to or not. I did come in when he offered me a drink of water.

How I hate this insecurity. I don’t want to be like this but can’t help it. If I can be around someone a lot I can become comfortable but I’m not around anyone a lot except Cherie. It takes time and time is what people have the least to spare.