Monday, July 06, 2009

What is a friend?

7/4/09 Saturday
I talked to a friend today. I think he’s a friend, actually I’m sure he is but I’m not sure what a friend is. I’ve never had many and the ones I thought I had disappeared when the chips were down. I tried to explain to him how it is with a brain injury, as I try to do too often. This stems from my uncertainty of how people view me, the paranoia that is a constant erosion of my self confidence. I don’t know if I made things worse or better, I don’t know if I made sense, I don’t know if he understands or thinks I’m a nut. I just don’t know much for sure. Oh I covered a lot, how I take statements literally and don’t comprehend subtleties. How I don’t get jokes. How I say things that latter I understand I shouldn’t have. How uncomfortable I am in social situations. How I am learning how to be a friend and friendly. I explained that I’m a whole lot better than I used to me. I didn’t explain that I fear others think I’m stupid because of the brain injury, that they discount my words as those of a rambling fool and just ignore them. That my opinions carry no weight.

I was going to explain that I’ve had these problems long before the brain injury, or the most recent brain injury I should say. I’ve had them since childhood, all my life. It’s part of the Asperger’s syndrome, of being a high functioning autistic. It just got worse with the TBI and I’ve been relearning my social skills ever since I woke up. I was going to say that but never did. I don’t know if I did good or bad with the conversation. I’ve only talked to him a few times in the two years I’ve known him and seldom in any depth. He’s a good man for sure. But I really don’t know him, not like you do with someone you’ve been around for years and done a lot with. I don’t know anyone like that and never have, except Eileen, who was my secretary and friend for twelve years. But she’s dead now. So I’m uncertain. About the only thing I’m certain about is Cherie, that we love each other no matter what and that we understand each other deeply. We provide stability for each other, supporting and holding up us both so that together we have strength and can overcome all that comes against us.

I am so glad that we can now get PBS on occasion, usually at night. It provides a breath of fresh air compared to the fare available on the other two stations we can get. I take that back, there’s a third station that is a blessing. That is GLC “God’s Learning Channel”. It’s just nice to find something that has a purity to it, something that is not full of who killed who and how they did it, or who is unfaithful or whoring around. Sex and violence, the fare the rest of the nation seems to feed on. Today the program was on “A Prairie Home Companion” a radio show that isn’t dirty or suggestive. It has a purity I enjoy and a simpleness that is refreshing. We have found two PBS radio stations as well. Can’t always get them in but it’s nice to listen to orchestra music and things with a level of intelligence that doesn’t seem to exist anywhere else. The bible says “Whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is just, think on these things”. I’ve seen so much of the world, so much that is evil and unjust, that I don’t want to see any more of it. You are what you feed on. It permeates your soul and corrupts. I’m tired of it. Been there and don’t want to go back. So I choose that which lifts me up, I need it. Don’t get me wrong now, I still watch the other stuff and get caught up in some mysteries and CSI shows, but it’s nice to find an alternative. I really don’t watch much TV at all now.

I’m tired. Good night. Will probably read this tomorrow and wonder why I wrote it.

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