Friday, July 31, 2009

Will the rain fall?

Yesterday I started mowing weeds. Instead of putting them in the compost I spread the clippings on the beds I'm making for fall blackeyed peas and tilled them in. Where I had put lots of compost on the other blackeyed peas, just two rows to see what happened, they are doing much better than the rest. A good sign.

7/31/09 Friday
We got another good rain overnight. Haven’t checked the rain meter yet but from what I see in the driveway, where it pools up, I’m guessing a good inch. We’ve gotten more rain this week than all year. I’m happy for every inch. Even if we can’t use it all on the surface (because I don’t have fall crops planted yet) it will trickle down to the well a hundred feet below ground. At least I think it does. This morning I’m going to work on the business plan. It gets neglected because I spend so much time working outside and am pooped by the time I come in. So I usually lay down, let the pain subside, eat dinner, go online to check email and the blog, veg out in front of the TV, if we can get anything in worth watching, and go to sleep.

But yesterday was a little different because of the letter I got from my dad. I researched CNS Lymphoma and then my sister called. We talked a lot about dad and also my relationship with my brother. I wasn’t surprised to learn that dad had forbidden her to tell me he was sick way back in March. He pretty had discouraged any contact between us though my sister was willing to talk with me, mostly be email. She wouldn’t share details like when my dad’s birthday was or talk about him at all but was interested in our lives here on the farm. That I was grateful for. I feel bad that I wasn’t very good at writing her consistently. I’m not good at doing much consistently. We discussed my brother a bit. She said that she didn’t understand why we didn’t get along. That’s because she hears Larry’s spin on things, and of course he paints the picture that he was a saint when it came to how he treated me. I’m real curious to hear what he had, and has, to say about me. I shouldn’t have but I told her about how Larry had lied, cheated, flat out stole, and tried to scam me out of this land I inherited. But he was the only one who reached out and helped when I was in the hospital and they were going to escort me out and leave me on the street. They probably would have dropped me off at Salvation Army or someplace similar. I told my sister that I wanted to sit down with Larry to work this stuff out but she doesn’t think he’s to inclined to do so. It would be a hard meeting with my temper and his attitude. I said that if we did get together it would be a good idea to have a mediator there to help keep things under control. I’m blunt, painfully honest, and say what I mean without any guile or sugar coating so I often don’t come off well with others. I’m getting better at that, at least I think so, but that may because I don’t stay around people who trigger these things. Good company helps good conversation.

All in all the primary topic was this opportunity to communicate with dad. As much as I want to she advised it was premature to go visit him. So I’ll send cards and letters and will follow her advise to keep things light and positive, and avoid any of the controversy. I can do that and keep in check all the things I want to say. Things like the truth of what’s happened versus the stories he’s been told. Dad always hated a liar but he sure has been quick to believe lies and not at all inclined to learn the truth. He’s listened to every side but mine. Again I wonder what Larry has had to say. I know what my ex said, or at least have a good idea.
Yesterday's sunset
So all this is running through my head. I imagine conversations with my dad and also my brother, playing out scenario’s in my mind. There is always the fear that I will somehow mess up this opportunity, this door that has been opened with the father I never knew.

I suppose I better get to work. All of this depresses me. It brings back so many unhappy times and reduces my hope. As I watch the grey overcast clouds I wonder if the rain will fall on this chance to renew my relationship with family. Hell we never had much relationship so it should be considered a brand new start.
I never worked on the business plan. Just went out and started running the tiller. Came in at noon to rest, take a pain pill, and sit in front of the fan to cool off. It’s not that hot out, only in the 80’s but I’m soaking wet from working so sitting in front of the fan is absolutely chilling. Feels great. Cherie called to let me know that we can now afford for me to get a motherboard for my laptop, that is if I can find one for about $200.00. That’s a price I saw but I’ll have to make sure it’s the right one. So I’ll get the serial number or anything else I can find to insure I do. It’s good news. A big part of this is the fact that our vet didn’t charge nearly as much as we feared to remove the pin. In fact she just charged for an x-ray and anesthesia, no charge for taking the pin itself out. What a sweetheart.

I think I’ll run the tiller most of the day. Have to in order to combat the weeds that are going to town with these rains. I thought I had stored my rye and sudan seeds securely where they would stay nice and dry but when I got the pails they were in out I was not happy to see one had filled with water and the other was pretty wet too. All the seed is gone now. The rye had been soaked for a while and fermented pretty bad. Really stank. I had hoped to plant it in some of the blackeyed pea beds to till under as what is called “living manure”. Not going to happen.

I suppose I should eat something before I go back to work. Eating isn’t convenient but something I need to keep up with.
4:44 – Came in to once again cool off and take a pill. It’s been four hours and that’s the appropriate time. I sent a letter to my brother asking him to sit down and talk so we could work out our differences. He sent quite a nasty letter back telling me I’m severely psychotic, cause problems everywhere I go, care nothing for other people, only myself, and that I was like poison ivy so he wanted to stay as far from me as possible. Wasn’t quite the response I was hoping for. I went back and read all the emails we ever wrote to each other. It brought up lots of stuff but to be fair I wasn’t always nice either. I can see the effects of the brain injury. I sent Larry a response to his response and when I just looked at it see all kinds of mistakes in my writing. It’s kind of confusing. Normally I proof read and can catch the many mistakes I make but I didn’t on this one. No telling how he’ll interpret it. So it’s not looking good. What a shame but I hope it will get better. But it’s depressing. That’s not good as depression is always lurking around a corner waiting for a chance to attack me. It’s a battle I must fight often. Don’t have time for that now.

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