Some times things just get a little prickly. For some protection comes from being nasty of you get to close. Unfortunately it keeps good away also.

I’m fixing the Bruce Springsteen CD’s I ripped and placed on Cherie’s computer. It didn’t do it right yesterday so I went on line and updated her Media Player along with other updates for Microsoft programs. As I reload this I am listening to the music and the words, the poetry, the ability to tell a story in a short time, are inspirational. These are things I need to learn and develop to pursue being a writer. They are glimpses of things Bruce has seen and felt. There are so many glimpses in my life that are…well, powerful, emotional, sad, happy, and revealing.

One of the things I wish to do when we reach Texas is take some writing courses. This is where the power is. The ability to not just tell a story but make those who hear feel it, to transport them so they are there with you and can see what you saw. I have lived many lives and seen much. There is wealth in my memories. Things that can open eyes and bring understanding. Things that can help some be better and live better by possibly helping them avoid the mistakes I have made. This would be a legacy I can be proud of for these words will last long after I am gone. Whether anyone will read them I don’t know but if I help one person that will be enough.

11:00 Time to take Fred out.
Got Fred out to the bank where he took care of his problem. Then we went to the Dollar Tree where he got a list of stuff. I ran him over to Radio Shack after to get him the light bulbs for his reader. He looked for an antenna for Barb’s TV but they didn’t really have one that was cheap. He was out of steam by then and had to get on his breather before I drove him home.

Now I need to take care of something that is a result of a previous entry. Common sense and kids seldom go together.
Fred just called and said he was double charged for the Ajax he got at the Dollar Tree so I got to go back and get his dollar.

Good Morning

3/7/06 Tuesday
Good morning. It is a bright sunny cloudless morning with an outside temperature of 20 degrees. That will rise to the 40’s so about as good as it gets. I had angry dreams again this morning and it took a while to wake up. There is nothing scheduled today, at least not so far, so I will spend some time online researching legal procedures for Eileen to establish her common law status. I also will continue pursuing Wayne’s Social Security disability as well as getting him access to medical help for his Multiple Sclerosis. Perhaps I will carve.

I am not a person who is good at tippy toeing around or not saying what I think. This is frustrating as I continue to watch stupidity being posted on a blog of someone I know. What people are proud of is kind of sad, especially when they post it and say “Hey! Look what I did. My mommy would be proud of me. And I am so happy to be causing more problems”. (I’m speaking metaphorically and I suppose being sarcastic at the same time). I am sure I will hear about this from those who are offended by the truth. It is just sad to see. I had the F’ you attitude for a good part of my life and it only took about fifty years to learn life would have been much better without it.

Nuff said there. Cherie and I are looking forward to Texas but I explained to her that while it will help to not see things that tears her heart out daily, they won’t go away. It will be easier on her in Texas, because she will be able to focus on things other than what’s up here in Toledo. I just know, from a lifetime of experience, that things generally get worse before they get better. We will help as best we can but have been pretty much shunted out of the picture. It hurt Cherie greatly when she got a call to inform her of the death of a friends mom and the caller did not even ask how Cherie was doing. Rejection is a hard thing as is cold indifference.

Fred just called and would like me to take him to the bank so he can straighten up a problem. Then he wants to go to the dollar store and probably a couple of others providing his lungs can hold out. He still won’t carry his oxygen tank. That reminds me. Barb is quitting smoking because she has a lung infection in addition to seeing what smoking did to Fred. That’s real good. I got Wayne to quit but Allen and Eileen haven’t been able to. Eileen has so much stress that quitting would just make worse so I suppose she is better off now smoking.

It’s time to get ready to be his chauffer. Fred kept saying “If you don’t mind” when he asked about me taking him places. To fill new readers in, Fred’s eyesight deteriorated to the point he can’t drive and can’t even see to shop. As a result he lets me use his Cadillac if I drive him around and act as his eyes. I told Fred “Fred, don’t say “If you don’t mind”, you know I don’t and that I am grateful for the use of your car”. Fred said that he just didn’t want to interfere with my plans. That is nice but helping others gives value to my life as well as giving me something to do in spite of my disability.

I just checked my E mail and got some pictures from my son in Iraq. So gotta go.

Long day Long entry

Just as this tree is coming back to life, so shall we be breathing life back into this farm. We look forward to making this home and thus leaving behind the things which trouble our hearts. It is new life we look forward to and a new life we will be building from scratch here at the farm.
I’m up and going. Cherie and I started out with a little friction when I mentioned something regarding family. Oh well. This is a part of all marriages but we know to not allow things to grow into something big. We do this by talking with each other and being honest. Honesty is a spotlight that reveals things so they can be repaired. It also is something some flee back into darkness because of what it reveals.


I called Wayne to make sure he was up and he was. He told me that Social Security doesn’t open until 9:00 so that will make things tight. I’ll have him at the door at 9:00 so we can make his 9:30 appointment with LMHA. There was a light dusting of snow but the roads retained enough heat to melt it. I reckon I should fix a breakfast cause it’ll be a long day.

Well I got Wayne all squared away. I got him to Social Security at ten after nine. There was already a line so we had to wait. I guess LMHA does their reviews at the same time cause many there were also getting their proof of income. Getting Wayne’s I rushed to LMHA, getting there at 9:37. Don’t know why I hurried cause I knew we would have to wait anyway.

The review went well as I knew it would because Wayne’s situation has not changed. He has a new caseworker named Jeannine Hummel and she seems to be pretty sharp and compassionate. We talked a bit after she learned who I was. I told the story of how I met Cherie and all that. It had the usual effect, one of delight or whatever word you use to describe the “Oh! That’s wonderful” thing. I’ll probably think of it later but can’t access it at the moment.

Right now I am at Wayne’s and will play a game of checkers as brain exercise. Wayne needs to get a copy of his bank statement to LMHA. I got confused as I do sometimes. I was telling Wayne that he needed to get a copy of the bank statement to family services. Then I went on about there was something else he needed. Wayne sat there puzzled as I insisted on this. “Wayne, you know you can’t trust your memory, that’s why you need to write everything down”. Come to find out I was the one not remembering. I got Wayne confused with Allen. I was so sure of myself that Wayne was starting to believe that he had forgotten me taking him to Family Services. Then it dawned on me. Oops. I apologized but Wayne was OK with it. We played a game of checkers and I was going to have him win. He had three kings and I only had one left but he made a mistake that I couldn’t pretend not to see so I won. Oh well. I tried.

Barb had called and asked if I would be willing to take Dixie to cash her check and get some groceries. “That’s fine Barb” I told her. Then I asked about the laundry and Barb said she was going to spend her laundry money on food. “No Barb, you need to get your clothes washed. I’ll pay for the laundry” I said in my no arguments voice. She couldn’t argue with that deal so agreed.

I finished the game with Wayne and went over there. Dixie was out and about which is good considering her tendency to hide for days because of the schizophrenia. She was kind of bock and forth about going to the store and when I asked if she would also like to get her laundry done that really made it hard. It took Barb and I about fifteen minutes to convince her to do both. “Come on Dixie, you get to ride in a Cadillac with a chauffeur. It’ll be fun and you can style in the back” I said to get her to laugh and relax. It worked so off we went.

I took her to the bank to cash her check and then we headed to Kroger. This is one of those poor memory days. When we got to Kroger I pulled up and then, looking around said “Oh man, we forgot to go to the bank”. It was one of those mind farts I used to have on a regular basis. The girls laughed and told me “We already went to the bank Bob, what’s wrong with you?”. With that I remembered and felt a little foolish but not too bad. It helps that Barb also has brain damage and has the same problem so she understands. Keeps the embarrassment down.

Dixie didn’t go to do laundry despite my offer to pay for her also. I took pictures of her and Barb though Dixie wasn’t to hot on the idea. For that matter neither was Barb but I convinced them by saying it was for my journal and would help me remember them when I move to Texas. That worked so here they are.

I got Barb to the laundry mat after heading in the wrong direction. This is one of those get lost days and Barb had to remind me where the laundry was despite my taking her there many times. I got quarters and gave Barb what she needed. Because I knew I would be taking Barb to the laundry I told Cherie I would do ours also. Getting everything going I asked Barb if she was hungry because I had to go to the bank and was going to stop at Taco Bell. She wasn’t so I took off, confident I knew where the bank and Taco Bell was. Somehow I missed Laskey road, which required me driving right past it. Once I figured out I was way off course I got myself going in the right direction. I found the bank but never did find Taco Bell so settled for Burger King.

Getting back to the laundry mat I gave Barb more quarters for the drier. Then I got my stuff in the drier also and sat down with this laptop to record events before I forgot them. I showed Barb photo’s of the farm and we talked about her brain damage and memory loss. It is pretty much the same picture as me. She said one of the good things was that she could watch the same video over and over again like it was the first time. For you new readers I suppose I should clue you in on today’s cast of characters.


Barb incurred her brain damage some fifteen years ago when two people came running out of the carry-out they had just robbed and tried to take her car. Barb threw her keys in the snow so they beat her with a tire iron, splitting her skull open. This damage was severe enough to drop her to about a ten or eleven year old level. She had already lived a hard life that included severe alcoholism and drug addiction. Now she lost custody of her children and then watched her mother die slowly of a brain tumor. She is a good person at heart, feeding and caring for many in her complex. Unfortunately many take advantage of her goodness and condition. I do what I can but have limits.


Dixie is also a woman who has seen the darker side of life. I believe she was a stripper and lived in that realm. She has a daughter and grandkids that she gets to see some. Unfortunately she is schizophrenic and is taken away on a regular basis, sometimes in a straight jacket. She has a phobia of germs that leads to manic and harmful behavior. Dixie has washed her hands till raw and bleeding and will use bleach and rubbing alcohol on everything, including her raw hands. They took all the glass cups and dishes away because she would wash them repeatedly and break them. Then she would keep washing, cutting her hands and would attack the cuts with alcohol and even bleach so germs won’t get in. She is friendly and personable when she ventures into the outside world. Barb is one of her main supports, getting her to come out and drink coffee. Barb long since hid her glasses in the freezer so all there is for Dixie to use is plastic.

These are some of the people I serve. I don’t care what they have seen of life or what they have done. That doesn’t matter now. They are people who need help with little available. They do serve as an example of the consequences of poor decision making. I have seen hundreds of these examples and am living with the consequences of my decisions. Perhaps this is why I can be so blunt with others about how they are going about life. I saw more by the time I was nineteen than most will see in their whole life and that gives me an insight, a wisdom if you will. I know many have issues with the Bible but there is some smart stuff in it. One verse says “There is a way which seems right to a man, but the end of that way is death”. We all think we are doing great, we’re in control, nothing is gong to go wrong, but we all learn from our mistakes.

On the way home, by some miracle, I remembered to stop by LMHA with the bank statement they needed from Wayne. Jeanine was in the front reception area when I went in and was surprised and happy to see me. I gave her the statement and waited till she made a copy. She again said “Thank you for helping Wayne” and I was on my way. Now I am home and a little light headed. Despite having multiple brain farts I have been sharp all day. This is one of the hard to understand things about my TBI. Just because I forget what I did five minutes ago doesn’t mean I am stupid. The rest of the brain is cognizant and active. Then I have the slow downs where the brain speed is sluggish. I still make lucid intelligent decisions, just take longer to do it.

Now I am tired and kinda dizzy so probably should lay down. Cherie just got home from work but has to go see the doctor. I’ll fix some peanut butter and honey on toast incase the lightheadedness is from a lack of protein. Will publish this first. The readership of this blog continues to increase which is flattering, I think.

It got better

This is Cherie and the lamp she bought yesterday. See what I mean about it putting a smile on her face? Her sister and others have remarked on how much happier she is now that we are back together. She said she had not seen Cherie smile as much before. They don't seem to count that as much now that I rocked the boat.

Cherie came home from shopping and I got out of bed, finally getting moving. I hate losing big portions of a day but that’s the way it is with this TBI and the partial seizures. Cherie looked at me and said “I spent allot of money. I got something I probably shouldn’t have. BUT I got a great deal on it! I hope you don’t mind…”. As she started on her long explanation of how great of a deal it was I interrupted her “Cherie, what did you buy”. “I got a Bruce Springsteen CD set. It only cost $15. There was no way I could ever get it that cheap. I…” She started again to justify her purchase.

This is because of the low self esteem she has. Because of what she has gone through in her life she has very little confidence in herself. Cherie has the quickest “I’m sorry” I have ever seen. It is a reflex response that she developed because of constant criticism. It will probably take years for me to build her up to where she understands that her opinions have value. I work on getting her to assert herself all the time, to speak out and say what she thinks, not what she feels others want to hear. I told Cherie that I trust and love her so much she could come home with fifty CD’s. Hell, I’ve made her responsible to tell me what I can spend. Of course major decisions we do together. For that matter we do that with everything.

I never did finish writing about Eileen. Boo was there when we got to her place and we all talked about lots of stuff. Boo told me about stuff Terry had stolen when he worked for me. That wasn’t a big surprise. Bobby came over drinking a beer and then someone who I think is related to Boo came by with her child and boyfriend. He was pretty respectful, not wanting to offend by bringing a beer in. I don’t know but he may have gotten out of the joint not to long ago.

These are people I’m comfortable with. It is a culture that is foreign to Cherie. I’m a chameleon and fit in with about any group, be it wealthy suit and tie businessmen or ex cons. It was F this and F that. I want an F’n beer. Did you hear what that C said. And on and on. The language was not what Cherie is used to though she's heard allot at XXXXXXXXXXX(edited at her request) This is just normal conversation in some circles and they think nothing of it. It really doesn't bother me and when with my friends I've been known to say a few F's also. Does that make them or me bad people? I don't think so.

Anyway Eileen was wearing out fast. She suffers from cluster headaches, which are worse than migraines. She was starting to get one and I could see it in her face. We excused ourselves and went home. Eileen needs to learn to tell folks to just go home when she gets tired. She is also not used to asserting herself but is getting better. She is happier than I have seen her before. Mick is good for her and is just what she needs. I had his name wrong and called him Nick in earlier entries. Probably should go back and change it but it won’t make a difference.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. I will take Barb to the laundry so will take ours and do it at the same time. I have to take Wayne for his yearly review at LMHA but first have to get him to Social Security for a proof of income that is required. That means I get moving early and will leave at the same time Cherie does for work. Hope I am sharp. Right now it is 10:30 and I am wide awake. Hate it when my clock gets turned around. I think Wayne’s doctors office building burned down this morning so I am sure that will cause problems.

A rough start.

This will be the garden in the Oasis we will eventually create in Texas. It was the garden when my grandparents were both able to care for it. Sand has drifted to the top of the fence as it does out there.

The rest of yesterday.

We just got back from Eileen’s. She was happy to see us… I’ll have to write on this tomorrow. Right now I’m tired and need to get out of these clothes cause they smell like smoke. It’s hard to believe I used to smoke and never was bothered, no actually felt at home in a cloud of smoke. Now that I don’t smoke the odor is strong and repugnant. This is the way of things. When you are surrounded by something it becomes unnoticeable. I’ve known people here and overseas who did not bath and were unaware of their B.O. Sewer workers to whom the smell of a sewer meant nothing. This holds true in other areas. People who live in the midst of trash seem unaware of how crappy their environment is. They are used to it and are dumfounded when others are disturbed when they enter the premises.

3/5/06 Sunday
Cherie and I both woke up at 4:00 this morning. It was hard to go back to sleep but when I did I had angry dreams. Did not want to wake up later. We watched a show on PBS about a guy named Oakley Hall who was a renowned up and coming playwright who had incurred brain damage from a fall from a bridge. It is always interesting to see these things as I can relate to them very well.
I wasn’t too bad when I woke up but am slowing down now with a headache coming. Cherie is getting wash together. The Sunni Moslem next door brought some blonde home for the night. I suppose hypocrites are not a Christian monopoly. He prays five times a day and always talks of how things are “illegal” for him like sex. He’s scary and just got scarier with this. I have seen this dichotomy before. It is like the Christian who says one thing and does another. He or she is conflicted, fighting a constant battle inside as the two sides war with each other. The greater their fervor the greater the conflict, mentally tearing themselves apart and becoming increasingly unbalanced. That is why Ahmed is so scary.

The slow down was a rough one. It started about 8:00 or so and is going away now at 2:00. The migraine got to the close the blinds and turn down the sounds level. I got out of bed a little while ago just to go out and give Cherie a kiss and was just about blinded from the sunlight coming in the windows in the living room. Cherie has gone shopping now and I am sharpening up. Go figure. I watched a program on PBS about gardening and that has spurred my imagination about what we can do on the farm in Texas. We are both excited about the new life we will build there. Cherie said she will be happy to get away from the things that vex her heart here in Toledo. It will be another escape for her. One she has made several times in her life only to return and feel the pain again.

I notice again that Cherie’s sister, Connie, is reading the blog. That is good and she has spent a lot of time doing this. There is six months of our life published on this blog so I would dare to say that Connie, by taking the time to read this, now knows more about us than anyone else in the family. When you read this Connie I just want to say thank you for taking the time. Don’t know if you approve or disapprove but we appreciate you caring enough to learn about us. I have four years of journal that will be published on the website I am building. That will cover some rough ground, telling of what I went through once I woke up from the coma.

Keep moving

Here it is. The philosophy we are both striving for. Life is what we make it and we choose to make it one free of bad pasts. There is only the future to look forward to.

The craft show was a bore. Cherie said it was allot smaller than before so she was disappointed. Not much that impressed me regarding talent and ability but there was some. Cherie was surprised when I told her that allot of the stuff there was mass produced and had been purchased for retail sale. She thought it was a rule that everything had to be made by those at the show. I’m sure much of it was but by all means not all of it. Cherie kept looking around because she was afraid she would see her mom and that was a source of trepidation.

After that we went to Kroger on Jackman road for gas after going online to see who sold the cheapest gas. At the station I called Eileen to see if she was up for a visit. I was surprised when she answered her phone. We talked quite a bit and she told me about the snotty crap she was getting from Sue, one of Terry’s girlfriends. She said something about Eileen not waiting for Glen to get cold before she had a man. Nick checked her hard on that and Terry didn’t have anything to say. He is still just walking in like it’s his home. Eileen needs to lock the door and as far as I’m concerned if someone has little or no respect for Eileen they need to stay the hell away.
I really want to meet this Nick guy. The more Eileen tells me about him the more I like him. She needs someone strong like that and Nick was her love long before she met Glen. They had a child together. Eileen, if your reading this “You go girl”. Take care of yourself and to hell with the rest. You only live once so live good. You don’t have to make anyone else happy, just yourself. Besides that, what the hell are some of these people hanging around you for if they don’t think much of you? On top of that you know some of them are thieves. You had too much stuff disappear over the years. Like the song says “Smiling faces, sometimes hide a frown”. Watch em and take care of yourself. Nuff said.

After that conversation we headed home. Cherie said “Look, there’s an estate sale”. Then she said that we had already gone too far past it. “Cherie, would you like to go to the estate sale?” I asked her. She waffled around as she does because of the fear that has been instilled since childhood, afraid of imposing or upsetting or saying something wrong. I spun the car around in a U turn and headed back. “Cherie you know I love you. Don’t ever be afraid to say what you want. Where’s this sale at?” I said. We talked about her being afraid and how I was helping her get free from it.

At the sale most of the good stuff was gone but there was a lamp she liked. It was priced at $28 but they said everything was half price to get rid of it. I offered the lady $10 and with a dejected look she accepted. This put a smile on Cherie’s face that I would have paid forty dollars to see. With that we headed home and talked more about these deep seated fears and low self esteem that has plagued her most of her life. Cherie said “You know, with you I can finally be free. I don’t have to be afraid anymore”. It will take a long time for her to overcome a lifetime of….well I best not say cause it will rock the boat more. I’ve done enough of that and truth seems to be a bad thing in some circles.

Halfway through the day

How's this for a back yard?


Jimmy Patterson, the guy in Texas I E-mailed this morning already responded. I think he will be a great asset for us as he already told me where God vacations and God lives down there. That kind of insider information you just can’t get anywhere. (Now I hope that wasn’t offensive to anyone. It was just a tongue in cheek expression he used regarding some great places to visit)

I got Wayne to the bank and Kroger. His legs started giving out towards the end so I had him stay at the check out and ran to get the few items left on his list. It’s good that his walker also doubles as a seat. Wayne understands now why I make him do things like pick up items off the shelf and put them in the cart and is insistent on doing things himself. This is about his only form of exercise and he needs it. His blood sugar has been high so I told him what he already knows. To eat three or four small servings a day instead of two big meals like he does now.

Wayne brought up something that has been bothering me for some time now. He said “I don’t know what I’m going to do when your gone Bob”. Fred has family and friends, including Rick and Cathy who live in this building, who have all told him they would care for him. Barb has her case worker from the Zeph Center and Allen is a big boy who has transportation so they are covered when we move to Texas. But Wayne is a different story. This will be one of the last loose ends I need to address.

When I pulled up to Wayne’s apartment I noticed the apartment next door had the window boarded up. I wondered about that cause it has been empty ever since they moved the prostitute out. When Wayne came to the door I said “What happened here? Did the crackheads break in to smoke their stuff?”. He told me that the old lady who lived in #1 had gone on a rampage breaking windows. He thought it was some kind of medication she was on but I know this comes from smoking crack. Wish I could get him out of there.

Cherie and I are fixin to go to the craft show and spend some time together so I must leave this journal for now.

The start for the day

This is a sunrise in Mosul, Iraq that my son took a picture of. He told me that the sunrises and sunsets are one of the few redeeming qualities of the area.

3/4/06 Saturday
It is a beautiful, sunny, and twenty degree morning. Typical for Toledo in March. I will get Wayne to the bank and grocery store this morning. There is a craft show at the Rec Center today that Cherie would like to go to so I’ll put that on the agenda.

I just sent an E mail to a guy in West Texas who seems very involved in the community down there. This is just one of the things I will be doing to warn West Texas that I am coming so they can run and hide. Nah! They don’t run and hide down in West Texas, they might just set up a road block with a big sign saying “Yankee go home”. Hey, I was born in West Texas, just because I haven’t lived there in twenty seven years and lost my accent doesn’t make me a Yankee. Now I admit I’ve seen some things up here that y’all would find a bit uncomfortable but it’s a big world and the more you see the smarter you get. (I don’t know if that is true but it sounds good)

Actually the folks in West Texas are generally pretty friendly. Allot friendlier than you find up here. I remember that as you pass someone on the farm roads they would lift their index finger as a friendly greeting. If I did that in the wrong neighborhood here it would be assumed I used my middle finger and they would chase me down with a gun for “dis’n” them. I think there is less tolerance for those who don’t “fit in the box” in West Texas. Things like long hair brings out a judgmentalism as you are automatically categorized. Of course you find that everywhere, it’s just that there are different boxes for different areas of society. Now I haven’t been there in twenty seven years so I really don’t have a clue what I will find when we move.

I just cooked eggs and hashbrowns for us and we are preparing for the day. I called Wayne to make sure he was awake. He wasn’t but he is now. Just for fun I told him I would pull up in three minutes so he had better be ready. That woke him up. “I’ll be there in about thirty of forty minutes” I reassured him so he will have time to get moving. We need to buy him another alarm clock as he broke the last one we got for him. Time to get moving.

Goodnight

It’s 5:51. I am still a little thick headed but running at a 5 on the Bob scale. The migraine is gone now. Tired. It’s been one of those days that drains me. Cherie is cooking a chicken dish she says I like. Of course I don’t remember ever having it before. I found some West Texas blogs that I will be exploring when I am sharper.
Wayne called. His check came in and it is time for his monthly food stock up. I usually take Saturday off but won’t this time because I was not up to taking care of him today.

We had dinner. The chicken Cherie fixed was great. Afterwards we watched America’s funniest videos. We always like that. Cherie was tired and fell asleep as she laid on my shoulder. It always touches my heart when she falls asleep as I hold her. I know she will kill me for saying this but I love to hear the sound of her snoring as she lays in my arms. There is a peace, a unity, a sense of rightness that is heightened during moments like this. I feel protective, I feel like her guardian, I feel so much. For both of us life has been renewed when our marriage was renewed. I will spend my life making sure Cherie is secure and happy and when she is happy I share her joy. I suppose that is a kind of selfish on my part because I benefit by insuring Cherie is happy. I don’t think she minds.

Growing interest

Just looked at the Mapstats and am again amazed at how many people are reading this blog. I know it’s nothing compared to most sites but still find it somehow a compliment that others would have an interest in mine and Cherie’s lives. There was some one from Egypt and that may have been my old friend Dr. Ron Charles who is in Egypt right now. He takes medication and ministers to the former Moslems who are transported to one of the largest garbage dumps in the world when they convert to Christianity. These people lose everything they own, their bank accounts, homes, and anything else and become rejects, considered to be trash.
I am getting more hits from England also. Someone did a search on Hearne Texas, where my dad’s side of the family hails from, and that led them to this blog. Too cool how this works. Today there are hits from Denmark, Canada, and one from Kansas City. I think that one will be my friends who helped me so much in St Louis when I was still in pretty bad shape from the accident. They didn’t know me, just knew I needed help with basics like food and clothes and was going to be homeless because my brother had not done what he promised. You can read about all that when I get the website up or my book written.

Thawing out

I noticed that Nate deleted portions of his blog that had to do with our little problem with each other. He did it at the request of family like I did at the request of Cherie. For that I compliment him and hope it is the start of a healing of sorts.
Nuff said there. I got the stove cleaned and it was a chore with this migraine and slow down. This is a physical one where the leg doesn’t work and my equilibrium is off making it difficult not to fall over. I am able to think a bit faster but the migraine is growing despite the medications. It is almost to the close the blinds level.
I just listened to my first Podcast. When I was looking at John Scalzi’s blog, http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/ , I saw a mention of this and John had a link to one of his short stories that was a Podcast. (By the way, John’s blog is one of the few I visit regularly. He is a published science fiction writer and his blog has a rare thing, Intelligence) I have been hearing about Pods for a while but never bothered to learn what they are. I had just presumed it was music and have no interest in paying to wander around with speakers in my ears. Education is good. I grew up on Sci Fi books, they were my escape from a rather troubled life. Unfortunately reading is difficult now because of this short term memory loss from the TBI but I have been wanting to read some of John’s stuff. I never remember to look for his books and really don’t buy much for myself because of our budget so the Podcast was an opportunity to check him out. He has a great sense of humor and of course the imagination required for Sci Fi writing. I listened to the Podcast moments ago but don’t remember much about it besides it was about alien animals and a few fragments like a pet alien that tried to eat the pet cat and smoking an alien skin with some pot. (You’d have to read or hear it to understand)

My ears are ringing pretty bad now. Hate when that happens. Glad I’m not scheduled to go anywhere cause I wouldn’t right now anyway. Everything is getting loud. The sound of Cherie’s computer, traffic out side, someone opening there door in the apartment building, the drip of water in the bathroom. It may be time to go hide in the bedroom where it is dark and…no, quiet doesn’t work because the sound comes through no matter what. Hey, I woke up today and I say that is all I need to have a good day so I’ll stick to that and refuse to feel sorry for myself. I did this to me so tough titty Bob, deal with it.

Some days are hard, some easy

Some days are hard. Some days are easy. But there are always obstacles to get around. The mark of a man is shown by how he does that.

3/3/06 Friday
I am slow this morning. Running about a 4 on the Bob scale. Not too bad but not too good. It has been a while since I woke up slow. I am at the Waffle House to meet with Jeff. Just had that change of hearing that is not a good sign. Hope it’s not going to be a bad slow down cause I am out and about. If it gets worse I will go home. Cherie asked me to pick up some time cards. That is just a few miles down the road so will be OK. I didn’t have anything scheduled but Wayne may get his check today so I will take him to the bank and then to stock up on groceries. I am sure I will be doing better later. The slow downs generally last only a couple of hours though the bad ones last all day. Those are the ones that put me in bed and usually come with the migraine.
I love this Wi-Fi. I can go on line here at the waffle house. Jeff could tell I was slow from my speech. I would have to hunt for words as I talked. Being slow doesn’t effect how or what I think, it just slows how fast I can express those thoughts and answer questions.
We talked about several things. He had mentioned “brainwashed” referring to the Prime Time show on polygamy that aired last night. These people believe the one the call “ The Prophet” is the one true voice of God. This was part of a wide ranging discussion on religion around the world and how it is used to control people and achieve certain agendas their leaders have. I said that the war in the middle east was a religious war and that it would have no end.
Blind belief is the core of so many religions and is the cause for the many problems that come with them. Everyone thinks that they have a lock on the truth, they are right and everyone else is wrong. I talked of how judgmentalism was the core of our problem at Cedar Creek Church. Rick told me that he thought I looked arrogant as I would stand in the lobby area of the church. He talked to me about “Why don’t I have a job” and read me scriptures on how a man should work and support his wife. This was a judgment he made of me and possibly the root of their rejection. I am sure they thought they were “Doing the work of God” in getting me out of the church and in their zeal made sure we were uninvited from the home group.
As we talked I got sharper and Jeff noticed that my voice improved. This is from the stimulus of conversation. I still wasn’t up to speed but better. When I got home I settled down and dropped to a lower level of cognizance. Writing this has taken me three hours. The migraine is on the way so will take the usual barrage of stuff in an attempt to cut it off at the pass.
Cherie just came home for lunch. I am cleaning the oven. Unless I am real slow I can still do stuff around the house. I got the dishes washed and finding some oven cleaner have attacked the 40 years worth of crap that has built up in the oven. It is thirty degrees out but I have the windows open in order to breath with the odor of oven cleaner permeating everything.
It is always good to see Cherie come home. She said I look tired and I am. The slow downs do that. Cherie said she is tired too and had to work to keep from falling asleep. Now that she is here I can tell how slow I am from my voice. Running about a four on the Bob scale. Actually seem to be getting worse.
Cherie is better. She was real sad about all this family stuff and depressed. She is snapping out of that and again looking forward to the home we will build in Texas.

By the way, I just looked at the monthly E mail I get from Lash and Associates, who have extensive resources for those with brain injuries and their families. My story has been featured since they got it sometime in 2003. You can find it at http://www.lapublishing.com/BrainInjurySurvivorForum.htm There is lots of information that will help you get an idea of what this injury can do.

My son (The oldest one)

Dinner was good with the exception of the peach pie. It’s crust was real salty. This is the first time I used the broiler because it never worked until I called the new landlords and got it fixed. Anyway it cooks faster than I thought so the steaks were not up to the usual Bob standard. Still weren’t bad.
I had sent Bruce an E mail in Iraq the other day and as always enjoyed reading his response. It was only a few sentences as usual because he has limited time on the computers which are shared by everyone on the base. This afternoon I got an E mail from Bruce which contains the first pictures I have had of Bruce since I woke from my coma. Here they are. He is a great kid.

The rest of the day

This turned out to be a long day. I am glad I stayed sharp. It started with taking Allen back to Family Services. He talked to his caseworker for the first time. She was very efficient and not at all the uptight bureaucrat Allen was expecting. I have run into a few of those in this journey but lately not as much. She worked through the forms quickly and advised Allen not to bring up a certain subject as it would just bog things down. That’s the kind of advice I like. She said it would take a few months before Allen could get approved for medical help though he needed doctors to fill out some forms. Almost a catch 22 but he can get it done through the Carenet program.
She was able to get Allen food stamps today and that was good news. Cherie and I have been taking him food for a couple of years now. Having food doesn’t mean Allen will eat it. I have been telling him he needs to eat whether he feels like it or not. With his depression he doesn’t care about eating and often his stomach is too upset for food. He told me he was throwing up all day yesterday. He thinks it was some kind of bug but I don’t. This is nothing new and I suspect it is connected with his pain killer abuse. Who the hell knows but that is why I am working to get him medical attention.
Fred called me while we were at Family Services. “Where you at Bob” he asked. “I’m at Family Services with Allen, Fred” I answered. “How long are you going to be there? I told Barb we would pick her up at a quarter to twelve” Fred said with his I’m worried voice. I told him I would be there as soon as I could, “Fred, you know how much rigmarole you have to go through down here so hang on. I’ll get there”. He was satisfied with that. Fred has gotten a lot more relaxed about things over the last year or so.
It wasn’t but a few minutes later and we were done. I took Allen home and listened to his thank you’s as I dropped him off. I headed right out, hurrying to get home and pick up Fred. I made pretty good time though Fred would have panicked if he had been riding in the car with me. I called him from the cell phone to let him know I was outside and he came right out.
We got to Barb’s and I honked the horn. She wasn’t too fast so Fred took the bag of stuff he had brought for her to the door. When she got into the car she couldn’t wait to tell me the good news “Basil’s gone, he’s in jail”. She proceeded to fill me in on the details. He has always been a leach and is one of the reasons her money disappears. He refused to give her money for rent despite having his check and she was fed up with it. She knew he had warrants for violating his probation so she called the police. She has tried to get him out of the house before but the police refused because his clothes were there and under state law it made him a legal resident. Now they took him to jail. She got rid of almost all of his clothes, throwing most of them out, but his boss said he would pick up the rest Monday.
We were late for the Huntington Community Center and thought it would mean she would have a long line and most of the stuff would be gone. Not quite. There was no line at all and they still had lots of stuff so guess what? They had to get rid of as much as they could. Instead of a few bags we filled a grocery cart and could have gotten more if we were greedy. Fact is Barb will hand out food to many of the residents of her complex and I got stuff for Wayne as well. I also got a peach pie and some baked potatoes from Red Lobster that were frozen that I brought home for us.
We took Barb home and I carried her groceries in as well as bringing in her garbage cans from the road. We set up a time for me to take her to the laundry and Pilgrims Church next week. Barb is very happy about Basil being gone and said it was like being free again. I told her I was proud of her for getting rid of his alcoholic ass and said “If he comes around again don’t let him in and if he gives you trouble give me a call”. I have been trying to get her to get him out for a long time because I know he was taking advantage of her operating at a ten or eleven year old level from the brain damage. It was a good thing to hear.
With that done Fred and I went to Wayne’s to drop off the food and two cent stamps I got him. Wayne was grateful as always and tried to give me fifty cents for the stamps. “Wayne keep that shit, you know better” I said as I plopped the bags of food down.
On the way home Fred talked about how Barb had told him she didn’t know what she would do if he was gone. This brought up the fact that Cherie and I will be going to Texas. “Fred, I feel bad about leaving you here because I know you depend on me” I told him. Fred reassured me that he would be taken care of. He had already discussed this with friends and relatives. It was good to hear. I am working to make sure everyone that depends on me in one way or another will be covered or at least is on a path that will help them. Then I am also working to deal with other things I see that need to be addressed to prevent future harm.

It is 4:30 now. I need to get started on dinner. Want to make it a nice one for Cherie. We will have T-bone steaks and I’m making twice baked potatoes from the Red Lobster potatoes. That and peach pie and ice cream. Time to move.

Who's packing your parachute

This tree is like many people I have known, including myself. We once thought it was dead and were surprised to see new life springing from death.


I just got this from my blog E mail address. It comes from a lady named Linda Eppely, who is one of the many I have met through this blog. Linda is another “Survivor”, one who has sustained a traumatic brain injury and has gone through the problems many of us do. This is a good thought so I thought I would share it.

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat
missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb
ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years
in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures
on lessons learned from that experience!

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man
at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in
Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk . You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise
and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb
assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here
today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb
says, I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white
hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I
might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or
anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table
in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the
silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he
didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"
Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the
day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his
plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical
parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual
parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what
is really important We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you,
congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give
a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through
this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your
parachutes.

Bob, I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in
packing my parachute . And I hope you will send it on to those who have
helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but
still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes. And to
let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you
are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded
joke.

So my friend, next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've
been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of
today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you
a smile, just helping you pack your parachute........
I suppose that is what I do. I spend my time helping, or at least trying to help, those who’s paths cross mine. Some do not appreciate it, some resent it, and many will never know, but that is fine with me. I don’t do it for accolades. I just feel that my life is a gift and a privilege so I share that gift the best I can. I get uncomfortable when some tell me “thank you” or “I don’t know what I would have done without you” all the time but it is good to hear. It’s got “Go to hell” beat by a long shot.

Another day

If you look you can find beauty anywhere, even in the midst of desolation.


3/2/06 Thursday
Today I am to take Allen for his appointment at Family Services. With his application for Social Security disability I am confident he will be approved to get Medicaid. Nah, confident isn’t the right word here, high hopes would be more accurate. As you can tell from the shortness of yesterdays entry the end of the day was a bit rough. The migraine didn’t last long but always takes a bit out of me. I am running about a 5 on the Bob scale right now. The limp isn’t bad.
Cherie headed out to work. It appears that we didn’t get as bad of an ice storm as feared, which makes me feel better about her driving to work.
I called Fred to see how he is doing. He is as good as can be expected for some one who is 87 and has emphysema so bad he requires oxygen to sleep at night. He said he talked to Barb last night. It’s the same routine. She said her check didn’t come in and that she is out of food so Fred wants to take her to the Trilby church or the Huntington community center for the food handout. No problem, it’s what I’ve been doing for three years. I can’t help her with the money because it’s her choice to spend her check on drugs, alcohol, or whatever drain it constantly goes down. She had called last week and asked me to put a table on my credit card because she had the cash for the down payment but they wanted a credit card for the monthly payments. That got an absolute “NO” from me. She has pulled stuff on Fred and on her payee by getting them to pay for things like newspaper subscriptions and then canceling to collect the money.
Allen called. He is awake and moving. That is a good sign and further encourages me he is serious about getting help. He is just one of the folks I help. In his case to get medical attention for his chronic pain, thus freeing him from the addiction to pain killers that are sucking him dry.
Yesterday I was researching legal help and found that the University of Toledo’s law college offers help for those who are poor. One of the areas is Social Security disability which will help Wayne and maybe even Allen. I will also inquire on behalf of Eileen who needs to establish that she was Glen’s common law wife. (This is how I spend my time Nate).
It’s time to go now. I’ll wash the dishes and clean the kitchen later.

It is another slow down. I got dizzy and then got bitchy. The headache is coming so took aspirin and Tramadol. Will take a Zomig now. My ears are still ringing. This one seemed to come on fast. It is 6:45. Typing is hard but wanted to record this. Cherie went shopping. Good time for that as it is easier for me to not have to interact. Even the news is hard to follow.

Still in love

We never stopped loving each other. She is still as beautiful today as she was twenty seven years ago when this was taken.


Fred hasn’t been doing well so doesn’t want to get out of the house today. He said maybe tomorrow but I told him the weather forecast is for everything to ice up. He didn’t seem to understand that.
I just talked to Virginia about the estate. They have to put up a legal notice for seven days and then things are done or at least Larry and I will get letters from the lawyer. Right now I am sending her an E mail to inquire who the politicians are for that area.
I took Cherie out shopping. I told her to take the day off because she was still upset about her parents house and the whole thing with the family. We went to the antique mall and she found an oil lamp and some copper Jello molds she liked. I found some small wood carving tools that I can use. Yesterday Cherie had bought me a nice jointers plane which she gave to me as an apology for what she wrote in this journal. That caught me by surprise cause I thought she was more than justified to be upset. It was really a nice plane and she got it for a great price.
We usually go out to eat at a nice place at the beginning of each month but Cherie didn’t want to cause I took her to the Brownstone restaurant when her mom had the wreck. “We spent $60.00 Bob, that was enough for now” she told me. I let her keep me in check cause it’s nothing for me to spend $100 on us when we go out but we have to be conservative. The trips to Texas drained my savings account and we need to replenish that. Anyway we went to Taco Bell but the one on Conant sucks. They couldn’t get the order right and were skimpy on everything. Hey, it’s a quick snack so no big deal. I think I will cook some of the steaks or something we have in the freezer. I suppose I should go look and see what we have.
Wayne called and asked when postage went up. I told him at the beginning of the year. He asked me to bring a two cent stamp cause his phone bill had come back. “Wayne, I’ll get you the stamps but not today ok.” That was kind of ok but he said he needed to get the bill mailed now. I told him that it wasn’t a big deal, the phone company wouldn’t shut him off because his check is a couple of days off.
We went to the storage unit and picked up some material Cherie had there as well as dropping off some stuff from our regular clean the apartment out season. We are home now. I am tired as I often get halfway through the day so should lay down for a couple of hours. The limp is getting bad which always indicates slowing down. I’ll be fine after a short rest.
Cherie went to do some laundry. I am having a hard time working on this. Time for a break.

Cherie has been deeply disturbed by all this so at her request I will no longer use this blog to communicate. Now that I have a working E mail address I will try to talk to Nate that way. If we had talked earlier things may have been better though I’m not sure of that. Communication is always good. I don’t dislike the guy just think he needed to do better.