If only I did.

2/4/07 Sunday
I’m not as sore this morning as I thought I would be. The last two days were hell from a pain standpoint. Don’t know or remember what I did to cause that but hope I don’t do it again. Not sure what we will do today at the moment but we’ll figure it out. I know we will be going through finances to plan on our trip to Ohio. There are a few bills left to be paid but I told Cherie to hold up on the one to Verizon. We haven’t used their cell phones for two months or more, ever since we got the Altell phones here. Unfortunately we are stuck in Verizon’s contract which has a penalty for early cancellation. Cherie had misread it and thought the contract ended in February. Now it seems that we’re locked in till April. I told her to give them a call and tell’em we’re living on my disability check, haven’t used the phones in three months, and can’t pay the three months we already owe for much less the next two months we are stuck with because of a $350 or so cancellation fee. It’s a shame to have this on our credit report after we cleared it with the bankruptcy, or at least most of it. Seems that AT&T didn’t remove that debt from wherever it is they’re supposed to remove it from.

We got back from church two hours ago? Man, it seems like we just got home. Anyway let me record this while it’s still in the brain. We were again heartened by the genuine greetings we got. The guy who I talked about woodworking with brought me a piece of mesquite in that he had put some finish on. Beautiful wood and there is plenty of it here in Texas so I am looking forward to working with it when the shop gets together. It is evidently hard as a rock so will be hard on the tools but also will make hardier furniture and the structural things I have in mind would be bullet proof. There is lots of plans in that part of this brain. How I itch to again create with wood. Now that I’ve seen this wood I’d like to do the whole kitchen with it. That would be…Wow! Take a picture good.

Kevin mentioned that he will be cutting some mesquite next week and asked if I wanted some. “Sure” I said. “How long a piece can you get?” I asked contemplating cutting some lumber out of it. This wood, with it’s natural color, would go over big up north where it’s not been seen. I’ve always daydreamed of getting one of those big band saws that you can trailer to a location and slice whole trees into planks. In Ohio there is Walnut, Maple, Butternut, and all kinds of other hardwoods that are valuable. I’ve watched sadly as it was cut up for firewood or just cut down and laid to waste. My business mind saw not just the waste of beautiful wood but allot of money that could have been made. That part of my mind is still there.

Anyway, back on the subject, I let Kevin know we had a wood stove and asked if he could bring some of that also. Seems that Mesquite burns incredibly well, nice and slow with coals that produce a great deal of heat. In the discussion that ensued others brought up the price of firewood in these parts. About triple of what it is in Toledo. Nate would love it down here and at two hundred bucks for a third of a cord it’s almost feasible to truck some down. I’m not sure I got the price right but that’s what’s sticking in the brain now.

Kevin asked if we had hot water yet and I explained not quite but we were close because we have the funds to get the water heater. Most likely we do but will know for sure when we get back from Toledo. Never know how expensive a two thousand mile trip will be. Actually I think it is 1800 miles each way, give or take a few hundred, so we’re looking at 3600 miles there and back. If I remember right the gas cost $600 when we came down. So I won’t count my eggs before their hatched.

Back to the subject. As I explained getting the water heater I said that we would have to run some 220 volt wiring to it. Kevin pondered for a couple of seconds and said “You know, we’ve got allot of talent in our class and for that matter in the church. I bet we could come out and just knock this stuff out in a day”. You know folks, this is so much like the way things were back in the homestead days, the kind of thing that you still see in the Amish communities where everyone would come out for a “Barn Raising”. We were discussing this on the Homestead forum a few months ago as a nationwide “lets get together” concept was being thrown around. I told Kevin that we would be glad to put on a pig roast for such an event. Now I know it would not be a huge thing, just a few folks to help get the water heater in, but it would still have that spirit.

You know, I think this was the root of my thought process during church. As we walked to the sanctuary?, can’t find the word for it right now but the main church area where the service is held, several folks who’ve become acquainted with us asked how things were going. We told them of how we’ve been blessed with the woodstove and how things have been going so well. This continued after we got our seat. Pastor Dave greeted us with…joy or something. I’m having a hard time finding words right now so bear with me. He was happy to see us. We talked about how blessed we are and how our needs seem to be met out of the blue from often unforeseen sources. “That’s God” he said.

I asked him how his writing was going and man did his eyes light up. Things stick in my memory better these days and I recall him telling of his love and desire to do some writing way back when he visited us on our first week or so here. Of course the writers meeting we went to yesterday has filled me with an enthusiasm so that triggered my question. I told him about the West Texas Writers group and the meeting we went to. He said he would love to get some information about it and I E mailed it just before I started writing here.

The service was again good and David was great at getting his message across, telling some excellent stories that helped illustrate his points. Part of that came from a program he’s been watching for a week on MSNBC about prisons and the prisoners in this country. Of course having done time in some of the tougher prison systems in the U.S., Texas being the top of that list, I could definitely relate. His sermon was from Galatians’ and about being free. I don’t know if this is the proper format to go into detail but it boiled down to not being enslaved by all the do’s and don’ts of legalistic church rules as well as the enslavement certain lifestyles bring with them. I could write a book about that and who knows, I just might.

They always sing hymns before the sermon and it was during these my mind was drawn into some wistful thoughts. There were songs about the gifts, blessings, and goodness of God. I had just been telling folks of how good things have been for us, of how blessed we are. Oh, how I want to believe, how I miss the days twenty years ago when I walked in faith, confident there was a God and that He loved me. I thought of how it would be to believe that God had his hand on all this, how it would be to be able to proclaim to the world “Look what God has done”. I’d love to, I want to so badly, to be able to share that kind of message, to shout it from the rooftops, but I can’t. It’s just a matter of being honest. I want to but in my heart I don’t know. I don’t know there is a God. I hope desperately there is and if there is I hope he’s not the God some have conjured up. I remember the security of “knowing” that God is in charge, that His hand is on our life, controlling events, protecting, and guiding us. I miss that confidence I had and believing my life had a purpose, that hope of meeting friends and relatives in heaven where I would live for eternity worshipping my creator. I miss that, but I don’t know now. I have so many doubts and questions but regardless the one thing I do know is that the morals and ethics espoused in Christianity and for that matter Judaism and a few others is the best way to live life period. And those who practice their belief are the best people to have in your life, they are trustworthy and won’t lead you down a path of trouble. Yeah, I know. People are people and they all have their foibles, their weaknesses and moments of lapse but so do I. Forgiveness is the basis of this religion, that and love.

I hope y’all don’t mind these meanderings but, as you can tell, my mind is moving and I generally share what’s on it. Honesty has it’s price and I’m sure there can be one attached to revealing my heart but that’s the way it is. You’ll get no false front with me, no pretending in order to fit in or gain favor, just the real me. No matter what I will live honestly and live a life I can be proud of, one where I have nothing to be ashamed of though there will always be things I wish I could do better.

I have been real tired today. When I closed my eyes for prayer at church I started to nod off. I haven’t taken my nap this afternoon but it is a wonderfully nice day out so I won’t. Gotta take advantage of this good weather and lucid mind so I’ll post this and get outside.

5:27 – Stopped to make a note. Been outside burning trash in the burn barrel and dug some on the pit I’m making in the back yard. Tore a dead branch out of the mystery tree and arranged the heavy log left from before so I can attack it with the chainsaw without digging into the dirt. Came in to get a hat so I don’t get sawdust in my hair and remembered the Super Bowl is on. I turned on the TV to see if it is playing on one of the stations we can pick up and it is. However channel seven is coming in poorly and I’d rather be getting things done than squinting at a game that isn’t a big deal to me. I was going to join Eric on his live internet comment on the commercials thing but I’ve been getting bumped off allot so that would be an exercise in frustration. I’ll miss doing that. Oh well, back to work and taking advantage of doing fairly well.

7:06 – I cut some more tree and was getting pretty tired so called it a day. Was just closing up the garage when Cherie drove up from doing laundry in Midland.

10:00 – That’s it. Done for the day. Been tired all day, the want to go to sleep tired. It’s been one of those days where my brain is putting the wrong words in my mouth. When I asked Cherie if she could get me a bowl of cereal it came out a bowl of ice cream. When I didn’t understand her reaction telling me I’ve got a truck outside so I can go to the store and get some I repeated it, still using ice cream for cereal. I looked at Carmen and said “Carman is trashed” instead of crashed. That cracked Cherie up. Didn’t get much written after my burst of literacy after church. Now I’m going to bed. It’s been a decent day and the pain level has been real low so can’t complain. That’s all folks.