Thursday, May 20, 2010

I must refuse

What can I do? When I went out to work depression, or hopelessness, or something hard to define, hit me like a brick wall. Thoughts and suspicions of other's betrayal and deception fill my mind as I struggle to accomplish something, anything. I plunked around with my tools, pulling weeds and raking, but finally gave up. Came in to pray and try to refocus. This is overwhelming. Cherie's been going through stuff also. But with me it's physically palpable, my ears are ringing so perhaps it's a slowdown? There's so much going on, so many hopes and future dreams were dashed to pieces. Plans for the farm were thwarted, and it appears someone's words did that. Then there is my doubting my ability to accomplish much of anything, evidenced by the vast array of unfinished projects. Why keep trying when my efforts are doomed to fail? I must overcome this, I must keep fighting to move forward. Even if I fail at least I tried. The urge to crawl into the safety of the bed, where I can waste time watching TV is strong, but that I will refuse to do. Must keep pushing.

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