Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Integrity is inconvenient, but I'll practice it anyway

5/19/10 Wednesday
My laptop just crashed. I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened but it never fails to be frustrating. It had come to mind that I should back it up a few times recently but, as is so often the case, I would forget. I’ve been out shoveling dirt all morning, repairing the damage the dogs have done in their enthusiastic digging. It’s amazing how much dirt they can move. If only I could harness that energy and make use of it around the farm. I wouldn’t need a tractor. I had fired up the Massey Ferguson to takle this job when it decided to strip the gears and die. Could have done this work in just a few minutes. I started on it right away when Cherie left for work, about 8:00, and shoveled dirt till 9:45. I was done for by then. Unfortunately I couldn’t take a pain pill till 11:00 so had to wait. Got the laptop out and quickly figured out that the pain level was too high to work on it sitting in a chair so turned it off so I could transfer it to the bed, where I could work with it laying down. That’s when the operating config system, or whatever it is, disappeared. It’s going to be a long day. Cherie was not feeling real positive this morning either, she had to make a decision not to do something she really wanted to because we don’t have the funds anymore. I feel bad about it as well. It seems like we are under attack with so many things going wrong. I’m still reeling from the old man’s sudden change of attitude and so many other things. Losing the tractor is just a material thing but it sure makes life harder. I just got an email from the lady with the barn I’m obligated to tear down, asking when I was going to finish the job. I’ll borrow a friends torch and head out there by myself if I must, in order to keep my word. Perhaps there’s enough money left to pay Mike for one more day of labor. I had wanted to have two able bodied men there but he wasn’t able to find anyone else at the halfway house who was available to work. I need to do what I need to do, no matter how inconvenient it is. This honor and integrity thing is sure inconvenient but I suppose that’s why so few people can wear that badge. I will be the kind of person I can be proud of and choose to do what I know is right despite the hardship.

Meantime, there are so many things around this farm that are being neglected. I work till I can’t, rest, and then work some more but still can’t keep up. The alternative, sitting on my ass and doing nothing, is not remotely acceptable to me. But I’m sure that those who like to talk and judge assume that’s what I do from seeing so much stuff laying around this farm not finished. That feeling of isolation and lonliness has been coming around again lately. Going to the Kairos so helped me in that area. It was good to feel that I not only belonged but was welcomed and appreciated. It was good to have people around me. The one friend I had in Stanton suddenly thought I was taking advantage of him and pushed me away in no uncertain terms. That still hurts and puzzles me. As I work out near the road I wave at cars as they drive by and on occasion someone will honk their horn so I have that and the dogs to keep me company. I’ll take what I can get. Just read a medical study on traumatic brain injury and depression that told me what I already knew. Those who have TBI are eight times more likely to suffer from chronic depression. It’s a battle I have been fighting for years, most of my life, but it’s harder when you don’t have a good support group around you. We found a great deal of love and support with our church family in Midland but it’s not like they are next door and I’m not one to call out for help much.

Enough whining. The pain pill is helping make things tolerable and there is work to do. I must do my laundry soon so will be going to Midland for that. Cherie had taken that chore from me because I do my laundry like a guy, throw it in and guess at how much detergent to put in, turn the knobs, press the buttons, and hope it turns out ok. But Cherie’s work has been tiring her out so she will let me do my own laundry to help her out. That I am glad to do.

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