Depression sets in

This is where my sugar snap peas are supposed to be growing

6/16/09 Tuesday
The depression’s setting in. I got up and out early to beat the heat of another 100 degree day but when I looked around to decide what to do it all just got to me. Where last year I had rows of thriving plants there is only barren windswept soil. Much of what I did manage to plant this year I destroyed with the insecticide soap I mixed up. I came back inside and Cherie asked “How are you doing?” as she always does. When I told her I was depressed she said she knew why. I said something about how much better it was last year and my puzzlement about why nothing seems to be done. “I think I work hard” I said. “You work hard every day” she assured me. It doesn’t help. Nothing is done. I feel so alone. There is no one to talk to. Sure we know some fantastic people and when I go to church it is a bright spot but those conversations are always short and end when I leave. The encouragement I get helps greatly.

Last year this had row after row of vegetables growing, and we were harvesting and selling them at the farmer's market

Cherie is my biggest encourager. Without her I would be lost. Without her I would have no motivation to try. I know there are some in Stanton who smugly say to each other “See, I told you he wouldn’t amount to anything”. They probably have me pegged as a lazy bum. I know they have judged us because they told me so with their words and attitudes. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. Especially because they wear the pretense of being good church going Christians, but there is no love there. Depression brings out my feelings and amplifies the pain they caused. Depression is such a debilitating thing. It robs me of my desire to succeed, to be somebody. I know this and recognize it but still can’t stop it. For those who say “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” I have words I can’t print. Walk in my shoes jerkwad. Go from being someone to being no one, from being able to conquer the world to having a hard time accomplishing simple goals, from having an actives social life, being popular, to spending your days alone. Again Cherie is my bright spot. With her I am not alone. I know I’m not but it sure feels that way.
The same for this area. Perhaps I be able to till in all these weeds. At least barren means no sticker grass is growing.

I know people who are much worse off than I. I think of Suzie and her family living in a house with no electricity. The food in the fridge has spoiled and there's no sense buying more because she can't keep it. There are no lights so by 8:00 or so they are in darkness. They can’t cook because the stove is electric. It’s hard but that doesn’t make me feel better. I am grateful for life, for being able to wake up every morning, but the depression is still looming over me like a black cloud. I fight it all the time and I know it will fade. This is a common issue for those of us with TBI. I refuse to take medication that plays with the chemistry of my brain. It’s in a delicate balance as it is and I don’t want to play with that.

I’m going to force myself to go out and do something.