Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Depression sets in

This is where my sugar snap peas are supposed to be growing

6/16/09 Tuesday
The depression’s setting in. I got up and out early to beat the heat of another 100 degree day but when I looked around to decide what to do it all just got to me. Where last year I had rows of thriving plants there is only barren windswept soil. Much of what I did manage to plant this year I destroyed with the insecticide soap I mixed up. I came back inside and Cherie asked “How are you doing?” as she always does. When I told her I was depressed she said she knew why. I said something about how much better it was last year and my puzzlement about why nothing seems to be done. “I think I work hard” I said. “You work hard every day” she assured me. It doesn’t help. Nothing is done. I feel so alone. There is no one to talk to. Sure we know some fantastic people and when I go to church it is a bright spot but those conversations are always short and end when I leave. The encouragement I get helps greatly.

Last year this had row after row of vegetables growing, and we were harvesting and selling them at the farmer's market

Cherie is my biggest encourager. Without her I would be lost. Without her I would have no motivation to try. I know there are some in Stanton who smugly say to each other “See, I told you he wouldn’t amount to anything”. They probably have me pegged as a lazy bum. I know they have judged us because they told me so with their words and attitudes. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. Especially because they wear the pretense of being good church going Christians, but there is no love there. Depression brings out my feelings and amplifies the pain they caused. Depression is such a debilitating thing. It robs me of my desire to succeed, to be somebody. I know this and recognize it but still can’t stop it. For those who say “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” I have words I can’t print. Walk in my shoes jerkwad. Go from being someone to being no one, from being able to conquer the world to having a hard time accomplishing simple goals, from having an actives social life, being popular, to spending your days alone. Again Cherie is my bright spot. With her I am not alone. I know I’m not but it sure feels that way.
The same for this area. Perhaps I be able to till in all these weeds. At least barren means no sticker grass is growing.

I know people who are much worse off than I. I think of Suzie and her family living in a house with no electricity. The food in the fridge has spoiled and there's no sense buying more because she can't keep it. There are no lights so by 8:00 or so they are in darkness. They can’t cook because the stove is electric. It’s hard but that doesn’t make me feel better. I am grateful for life, for being able to wake up every morning, but the depression is still looming over me like a black cloud. I fight it all the time and I know it will fade. This is a common issue for those of us with TBI. I refuse to take medication that plays with the chemistry of my brain. It’s in a delicate balance as it is and I don’t want to play with that.

I’m going to force myself to go out and do something.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are so lucky to have Cherie to encourage you! I know what you mean about bright spots too. But in the end, I come home to an empty house...except for my dogs. My parents live about 8 miles away and they check on me every day. But I still have that deep emptiness in my life because Rob is no longer here to share it with me.
I know there are those that have it worse than me, and those that have it better than me...but I still feel the sting of loneliness for that mate that I had for so many years.
I sometimes break down and cry when I try to do something that Rob did and I just can't quite seem to get it. Then after I have a good cry, I try it again. It is very frustrating for me to learn and take care of everything here.
Well, enough about me! *smile*
I know you feel completely frustrated over your garden. This has been a strange weather pattern year. And the awful heat just sucks the water right out of the ground too. And I know all that sand blowing is such a bother too. A lot of work for Cherie to clean up in the house and for your to put it all back where it got blown from.
God is with us in all that we do....and we just have to trust in Him to get us through our days.
Here is a big hug for you and Cherie! Did you feel it?
Hey...when you need a laugh, just picture me laying on the floor changing out the toilet guts in a space made for a skinny midget...and we all know...I am NOT a skinny midget! *smile*
Bless you and Cherie both Bob!
Love Vickie