Start of another week

6/14/10 Monday
Start of another week and always more to do than I can keep up with. I still need to finish tearing down the barn in Crane but we are out of money so I can’t even afford the gas to go there. Had a surprise charge made on our account from the Stelera internet guys when the charged me for the replacement internet box. Looking at the bill I see that they never gave me the discounted rate we signed up for, the low rate designed to attract new customers. Seems that we were charged full price from the start. Now I feel lied to. I’ve placed several calls to the lady who replaced the original representative, who either got fired or went somewhere else, but she has yet to return a call.

Replaced the section of pipe that the gophers chewed through. Not a good sign at all, the amount of damage those little pests caused. This could be a really bad problem if I can’t get a handle on it. I’m sure they are not happy about the wire cages I surrounded the wind break trees with but at least so far that seems to be working. All of the trees are still alive as of now. We lost 90 trees before and that hurt. Nothing is easy out here. Not at all like the farm country we were used to up in Ohio/Michigan.

We have a few sporadic patches of Bermuda grass that has managed to grow out of the twenty or so pounds of seed I put out. Most of it never came up but I’ll take what I can get.

I found myself trying to explain why I don’t have a “regular” job last week to a well meaning person who offered to try and find me one. First of all folks don’t seem to understand that I work full time as I strive to build this farm. I put in 12 or 15 hour days, on the days I’m able to do that, so it’s not like I lay around doing nothing all day. I tried to convey the difficulties I face but am not sure if I was successful or not. People seem to have fixed opinions about things, little boxes they desire to fit everyone in based on their experience. I don’t fit in a box. You can’t generally find a job where you can work when you feel like it, or those times you are able to, and not work when you have a seizure, severe headache, or hurt so much you must lay down till it goes away. I have that job right here on the farm, it’s just what the doctor ordered. I just am not making any money at it right now. Plus I find time to help others out despite the difficulties. I mow the widows lawn and do chores around her house as well as spend time visiting and praying with her as she wrestles with so many problems it makes my life seem mild. I visit and sometimes teach bible at the halfway house and intend to get back to going to the prison in Fort Stockton on a regular basis. I endeavored to explain to this well meaning brother that I don’t do well in unfamiliar environments and my brain isn’t able to process lots of new information fast so any fast paced situation would leave me in shambles. Plus there’s the emotional control issue, one that hasn’t been a problem lately because I avoid situation that would aggravate it.

I can do a lot of things, no question about it, but they have to be on my terms. There’s a chance I can build some pagoda type things for a lady and that I can do. It would be great and would also help me find work for some of the guys at the halfway house. I’m not concerned about me for God takes care of us, but in my mind life isn’t about taking care of yourself but about helping others. That’s why I liked building those table tops for that lady last week. I would see the existing ones every time I went to eat there and they had totally deteriorated so I offered to make her new ones. When she asked how much I would charge I just said “Pay me whatever you think they’re worth after I’m done” and offered to take food in trade as well. I’m not worried about money, I just want to help and was glad to do so.
Here's a picture of the wild sunflowers that grow around here. Cherie likes them and so do I so they didn't get chopped down with the rest of the weeds.
I’ve spent two hours on this computer and that’s a waste of valuable time so got to go. There’s a list of things to do and they won’t get done with me sitting here.

Heat to beat

6/11/10 Friday
Friday’s come around too quickly these days. A weeks gone by and it seems that nothing’s been accomplished. I’ll run to Steve’s this morning and stain some wood for him. Always glad to do anything for someone who has done so much for us. I expressed how glad I was that he asked for the help.

Watched the rain go north of us yesterday evening. There were storm clouds southwest coming our way so I hoped to get some rain but they fizzled out and never made it. We met with the USDA guys yesterday and they came out to the farm to look around. They pointed out all kinds of plants to me, explaining what they were and what they were, or weren’t, good for. Some were labeled as not worth much other than holding the ground together so it didn’t blow or wash away. Out here that’s worth a lot. It’s unfortunate that I will be unable to remember much of what they showed me but I can remember some. The memory is better than it was a few years ago and I’m always grateful for that.

Went to the Stepping Stone bible study Wednesday and enjoyed fellowshipping with the guys. Some had just gotten out of prison a few days ago and we talked of how hard it is to adjust to simple things like not hearing the 24 hour a day noise of prison life. The peace and quiet can be very unnerving and takes a while to adjust to. I so wish I had the funds to hire these guys, to help them in this period of adjusting to freedom, to provide a safe work environment without the issues that can be found in other places. That is part of my long term goal with creating this farm, to help them as they start life over, literally start over from scratch.
Firewood I need to cut and stack

This evening I head back to Fort Stockton with the Kairos prison ministry. I feel bad about not writing the guys I met there as I promised. There are so many things I want to do and don’t get to. It’s the biggest frustration I have with this TBI, this seeming inability to follow through on things. I am surrounded by unfinished business. Cherie dug up some forms I needed to fill out six months ago and never got to. One of them is for tax free diesel fuel for the tractor and there are others. Cherie is unable to be my “babysitter” and keep after me to do these things. Her hands are full as it is. I was able to build several companies despite multiple brain injuries years ago with the help of a secretary, who’s job was basically to remind me of what I was to do when. Like I’ve said before “I’m the smartest dumb person or dumbest smart person you will ever meet”.

There’s work to do and heat to beat so time to get moving.

I was dead, but now I live

6/8/10 Tuesday
This heat can sure slow you down. Yesterday was Sam’s last day to work, at least for now because there are no more funds to pay him. I finished making the table tops for the little place we sometimes grab a bite at. Any more I hesitate to name places for our experience has been that those who have a root of bitterness in them (Hebrews 12.15) make it important to plant seeds of distrust anywhere they learn we go. The really sad part of that is it appears to be church people doing this. But that isn’t unusual, unfortunately. There’s a saying I’ve heard for years, going all the way back to the days I was in bible college studying for the ministry (1978) “Christians are the only people who shoot their wounded”. A few verses before the one in Hebrews I referred to above it says (vs 12) “Therefore strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble” and that’s how it should be. It is that way in much of the church but in the few places, or perhaps just times, this isn’t practiced it shows up like a fire in the night and the whole world sees. I know this breaks my Lord’s heart. 1 John, along with pretty much the rest of the bible, talks about loving your brother and neighbor. Chapter 4 vs 21 says “This commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also”. The verse before that is blunt saying “If someone says, “I love God” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

Now I know that I have given others reason to feel uncomfortable around me and have tried to remedy that. After reading the words of Jesus in Mathew 5.23 “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” I went to the pastor of the church we felt rejected by and asked forgiveness. He clapped his feet together four times during the conversation so I asked “Why are you doing that?”. He said “I’m shaking the dust off my feet” evidently in reference to the scripture at Mathew 10.12-14 where Jesus sent His disciples out and told them to do this anywhere they were not received. This so hurt, and is such a misuse of scripture that I was dumbfounded. This action was aimed to those who rejected the disciples and their message. We didn’t reject the church, in fact I pleaded with them to accept us, pleaded for fellowship and expressed our desire to have friends and told of the loneliness we felt despite attending there for over a year. It was the words of some who poisoned this, but I must share the blame for I keep this journal online and in it simply talk about what does and doesn’t happen each day.

To my knowledge I have never said a word that isn’t true but if I did would gladly apologize and correct it. This is a typical issue with those who have traumatic brain injuries and also for those with Asperger’s syndrome, where we say what we think openly and honestly without considering the social ramifications. So I reached out to apologize and try to mend the problems I caused, so I did what Jesus said to do, so I humbled myself. And I didn’t do it for me, I did it because it was the right thing to do and because I know that these roots of bitterness planted in others will harm them and disrupt the body of Christ. Hebrews 12.14-15 “Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled”. I pray for them all.

This love that the bible speaks of isn’t the feel good emotional kind of love we have for family or our spouses, it is a choice based not on emotion. Oh, emotion can well be a part of it for if you truly love and care for someone there is deep emotion when you see them choosing death over life by their actions or when you see them blessed and achieving something. Jesus says it best, as He always seems to do. In Mathew 5.43-48 he says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”.

It was my hope, when I approached the pastor, that he would see that the scripture I brought up applied to them as much as it applied to me, and I presumed that he understood that God, and His son Jesus, desire unification, that one of the underlying principles throughout the whole bible, both new testament and old, is restoration and forgiveness. This is still my hope, for their sake. I don’t believe there are any accidents in my life anymore, and suspect that God knew that when I came to that church with my addled brain damaged mind that I would stir things up. So I have to believe that God, who knows all and has sure had His hand on my life since I was raised from the dead, had a purpose in mind for this. He often does things to break through the walls we put up, to break through the hardened hearts of those He loves. This is God’s way, He shines His light on darkness, exposing the works done in secret in order that once exposed they can be washed away. Me, I’m pretty much like Balaam’s ass, the donkey that talked to Balaam, a prophet who was selling his religion, doing what he knew was wrong for gain and the accolades of others. I figure that if God will use a donkey He can use me. Lord knows I’ve been an ass plenty of times before. I don’t desire to cause trouble but seem to anyway.

What I desire is for all I meet to be better people, to have better lives. I don’t have much ability to do that but I know God and He absolutely has that ability. It’s been a blessing to spend time with the guys at the Stepping Stone ministry, men whom have ruined their lives in many ways but came to, or came back to Christ while in prison. They all face severe hardships as they transition from prison back to the free world. For many alcohol and drugs were at the core of their problems and it makes me aware of just how blessed I am to be free of these things. There are many I know who play with these poisons, seemingly unaware of the dangers that lurk within, or refusing to recognize them. I tried to talk to my brother about it but was rebuffed. It’s hard and sad to see how a lifetime of drinking has affected him, damaged his brain and I’m sure his liver isn’t in great shape either. His statement to me was “I’m not an alcoholic, I just have too much fun with my friends”. He, nor others I know, can’t understand that when consuming alcohol is a prerequisite for having a good time things are out of balance. Balance is a key word here.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that drinking any alcohol at all is wrong. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a beer with pizza and in great moderation these can actually provide some health benefits. But I spent years in bars drinking heavily so have seen both sides of the coin. It’s when you feel you need a little “Buzz” to enjoy company or that drinks are a requisite to liven up the party that things are getting out of balance. It’s an insidious drug, alcohol is. One that will slowly over time gain an ever increasing hold on your life and “denial” is a key part of this process. There’s always the “I can quit anytime” rationalization and the fact that it’s a social disease where all your friends, who are great successful people that have it all together, accept and support you in it that make this so hard to see. That’s why it is often that one has to “Hit the bottom” before they even recognize they have a problem. The sad part of that is that by then they have already done a great deal of damage to their bodies, minds, and lives.

I watch. I see so much yet feel helpless to say anything, knowing my words or opinion mean little to them. It’s the Christians who compromise their lives that tear at my heart. They blind themselves to the truths they know and let the world hold a greater sway in their hearts. There’s a scripture that says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end of that way is death”. Jesus said (Mathew 7.13) “For the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it”. I’ve learned these truths the hard way and have been granted a second chance at life, a rare thing indeed. I am surrounded by temptations, by things that “aren’t that bad” but I know how it works. I bend a law here, compromise a little there, knowing that God will forgive me, but in taking that path I’m straying from the truth I know. After a while each compromise becomes easier and soon that which is deplorable to God no longer bothers me at all and I end up fooling myself and believing a lie, where good becomes evil and what was evil becomes good. Who am I to say these things? What right do I have to express such judgment? I was dead but now I live, I was a genius but now struggle to remember what happened yesterday, I was an adult but became a child in my understanding, I was rich but now am poor, ultimately I am blessed with so much being restored. My life is a gift and my desire is to give life to all I see.

Poor decisions

I haven't added it all up, and probably won't, but so far this is what we've gotten for about a thousand dollars overall expenditure going back two months when we started the project. It wasn't the smartest decision I made but at the time it looked good. I just didn't have a clue how much it would take to get this "free" material.

6/5/10 Saturday
Boy, am I beat. We didn’t get home till 11:00 last night. It was a long, long, day. Tearing down this barn has been a struggle from the start and in retrospect probably not the smartest decision I have made. Knowing what I know now I would not do it again. We have over a thousand dollars invested in getting this “free” barn and for that money I could have bought the materials we hope to gain from it several times over. But a promise is a promise and keeping my word is important for many reasons. The biggest reason is because I let people know I believe in Jesus and once you do that they watch how you act, judging Christianity and you by what they see. I’ve seen so many who wear the Christian label but don’t live it, even though they seem to think they do, and I have no desire to be placed in that category. You know the one, the word that seems to be most connected to Christianity, hypocrite.

We put 400 miles on the truck in two days for this job and Sam, the guy helping me, worked 26 hours in two days. Despite that we aren’t halfway done. A lot of the miles were put on driving back and forth getting things needed to do the job. The small oxygen acetylene bottles only last about thirty minutes and we estimated we would have to refill them over ten times before we finished cutting all the steel. At twenty three dollars a pop that quickly adds up to a chunk of change in addition to the two hours of driving it takes for each refill. So when we were getting the bottles refilled yesterday morning, on the way out to the job I asked the guy if they rented out the large bottles. They lease them but it would require opening an account and passing a credit check, and that would take days. Plus I already know there’s no way we could pass a credit check, we have never established credit in our names or the farm’s name. “Do you sell bottles?” I asked. Yep, they do and he could work out a deal for me to get what he called personal use size bottles for $300. Money is tight and I try hard to be frugal but I did the math and it would be better to get the larger bottles. They aren’t as big as the full size commercial ones but are way bigger than the little bitty ones I had borrowed from Eric. Plus I knew that Tractor Supply sold that size for $700 and that it would cost over three hundred to get the little ones like I had at Harbor Freight, so it looked like a good deal.

I had assumed that the gauges and regulators on Eric’s bottles would work with these new ones. You know what they say about “Assume”, it makes an ass out of u and me. So we went to Harbor Freight and bought a cart to haul the bottles in because it was a better one that Airgas had for about the same money. Then we went to Crane, where the barn is. By now it’s already 11:00 so getting started early to beat the heat wasn’t happening. I’m excited about having these new bottles that would allow me to get to work and keep working till the job was done so we put the cart together (You know that everything has to be assembled these days) and Sam and I went to attach the regulators and hoses. NUTS>the acetylene stuff won’t fit. So we go back to Harbor Freight only to learn they are sold out of the kit they had on sale for a hundred bucks. Then we go to Tractor Supply and find they too do not have just an acetylene regulator but they did have a kit with both the oxygen and acetylene regulators along with a torch set. But that was two hundred bucks and by now I’m choking on spending any more money. I told the kid that I thought I could find it cheaper so he took it back to the stockroom where he had gone to get it at my request. We get out to the truck and look up welding supplies in the phone book I had the presence of mind to take with us. Calling them I learn that just an acetylene regulator was $230.00 by itself. So we go back in, embarrassed, and ask that they once again bring the kit out from the back.

Finally, we can use the bottles I bought. So we get back to the barn and get started. By now it’s almost 2:00 and certainly warm. We were relieved to see that everything hooked up so fired up the cutting torch and got to work. It didn’t work, not like it was supposed to nor like I remembered when I learned to use a torch in shop class back in high school. So I struggled along trying to cut this steel, wondering what I was doing wrong. Taking a break from the heat we sit in the cab of the truck and read the instructions that came with the torch. We learn that we had a #0 size cutting tip and that was designed for thin sheet metal, not the stuff we were attacking that is about ¾ of an inch in places. So it’s back to the store to get the right size tip. They didn’t have it so we got the biggest one they had, which was a #1, just one step up. It’s the best we could do. Didn’t work as good as I wanted but was better than what we had.
A hose broke while I was out. We get that a lot with all the old garden hoses I use. Unfortunately the spigot this one comes from is so full of that hard water crust it won't turn off.

So it was a long arduous day, with things moving at a snails pace. When the sun went down I called it a day. We loaded what steel we had cut and hooked up the trailer. I was tired and when I’m tired I don’t always think as clearly, not that I think clearly much anyway. As we drove off the property I heard a crash and looking back see the trailer had come loose. I had carefully hooked up the chains and plugged in the lights, but I forgot to lock the trailer hitch. It took an hour to get the trailer back high enough to hook it up and several goes at it to back the truck to the right spot as we were just crossing a ditch to get on the road when this happened. I am so grateful this didn’t happen as we were going down the highway at 60 mph. (the fastest I can go with the trailer hooked up as it sways) That could have been a disaster.

The lady, who owns the barn, called. She’s no longer in a hurry for us to finish the job, and for that I am grateful. Today, Saturday, is the Sabbath, a day of rest. And resting I need to do. I’m not moving very fast at all and am a little slow brain wise. Cherie keeps feeling bad for me as she watches me stiffly shuffle around. Keep telling her not too but that doesn’t do any good. It’s nothing unusual, she just knows I pushed more than I should, which is also not unusual. I don’t care, I’m used to it and it’s just life. What I tell myself all the time is that if a little pain and stiffness is the price of being alive I will gladly pay it.
Things neglected. This whole area should have been seeded with the Giant hay Bermuda

We must buy dog food so will go to town today. What bothers me the most about the barn project isn't the project itself but the cost in other areas. The torch set and oxy/acetylene bottles are an investment that will be used often in the years to come as we build this farm so will pay for themselves in the long run. But as I work and expend resources on tearing down this barn other things are being neglected. It rained three or four days ago and I really needed to get seed out while the soil was wet. That didn't happen. The funds we were gifted with to pay for help around the farm are not going to last as long as we hoped but there is still some left so next week Sam will come out. A guy expressed interest in buying the truck and trailer yesterday so that would be cool. But I'll have to not hope to much for that because things don't always work out.

Tearing down a barn

It's not really a barn but it's a lot of work and all welded steel so tough to take down.

6/4/10 Friday
This will be short. Went to tear down the barn yesterday and it was a long day. The small oxy/acetylene torch set up I borrowed only lasts thirty minutes before it runs out. Nuts. We didn’t know where to fill these tanks in Odessa so I ended up driving back to Midland. Considering that we had only done ten percent of the job before I ran out of gas it looked like I would be spending $230 replacing the little bottles ten times with the associated time and miles too. Yesterday I put two hundred miles on the truck with only one bottle replacement run. Talking to the Airgas guy he said that the large bottles would only cost $70 bucks and hold way more gas so that I would not come close to using it up. Oh well, I do the best I can with what I’ve got.

We weren’t well prepared yesterday. I didn’t have all the tools needed nor the gas for the portable generator we took to run electric tools with. After running out of torch gas I went and bought a reciprocating saw but we ran out of gas for the generator. We worked from 7:30 in the morning till 7:00 that night. I was beat and we didn’t get a lot done, or at least not as much as I had hoped.

Hopefully this will be a better day. Got to get going cause it’s going to be a hundred plus degrees. Had a bad slowdown this morning but it's past now

This would be our 31rst anniversary from the first marriage

My first and third wife folks. What a wonder she is.

6/2/10 Wednesday
The hundred degree days start now. According to the weatherman it will hit 100 today and keep going up till it gets to 106 on Sunday. Yesterday evening I watched storm clouds, with heavy rains coming to the ground clearly visible, go through Midland heading northeast. Midland is over twenty miles away and there was no question that these storms would bypass us by at least that far. We’ve been needing rain for a long time, with all the Bermuda seed I’d sowed lying dormant or blowing away, so I prayed. “God, we can use some of that rain. Could you bring it our way?”. The winds, that were blowing the clouds away, changed direction right then. I wondered at that, wondered if God heard my prayer and did this or if it was just happenstance. So I watched the storms, straining to tell if they were coming our way, if they had actually changed direction. I knew from watching the weather radar online that everything within a hundred miles was heading northeast and now this storm seemed to be coming straight south. It wasn’t long before we were in the midst of a thunderstorm with lots of lightning and some hail as well. The power went out and unfortunately that blew our Stelera internet box. In fact, when I looked at the box the wire going to the outside antenna had somehow popped out. Fortunately none of our computers appear to be damaged.

So we got rain. That will make for a very humid 100 degree day but that also changes all my plans. I had intended to go to Odessa and work on tearing down the barn today but with the rain and wet soil I must attend to this farm. It’s good in a way because both of the guys I had scheduled to help with the barn became unavailable. Mike said he hurt his back and the other guy had a parole meeting of some type. So I was going to go out there by myself, to the great worry of my wife and the concern of Steve, who said “That’s dangerous, you can get hurt”. But I try to be a man of my word, to do what I say, and have put this off for a while being unable to pay for help until we were blessed last week with that surprise gift. The guy who had a parole meeting said he would be available tomorrow so perhaps we can get out there then, Lord willing. I try to believe that God has His hand on our life so perhaps all of this was providence of some type. I don’t know, just pray for that confidence, that kind of faith. Regardless, I go with the flow. I’ve got a full day of activity now that it rained, in fact more than I can do in a day and I’m sure the heat will take a toll. I helped Steve stain wood yesterday and the heat sure slowed me down. He would like me to help some more but I had already scheduled tearing down the barn and now the rains came so must focus on what needs to be done here on the farm.
The first wedding, back when I was skinny and had hair. Love her so much I had to marry her again.

By the way, Cherie reminded me that we had been married the first time on June 2, 1979 so today would have been our 31st wedding anniversary from that marriage. We were remarried on June 20th 2004 (I think but have a hard time remembering for sure) so when that date comes by we can celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary. Regardless, it’s a reminder of the miracle our life is, the miracle of how our lives and marriage has been restored. She’s gorgeous and I am still amazed to see her by my side, and intend to stay amazed. This helps me with my faith, that had been so damaged, and helps me say “There is a God” who loves us and is actively involved in our lives.

There is work to do and it’s going to get real hot so I’m done writing. Hopefully we will get a replacement internet box soon so I can post this online but in the meantime I’ve got to get busy.

Saw a movie, First 3-D for me.

5/29/10 Saturday
Yesterday we went to see a movie. Haven’t done that in three or four years now. Keep seeing advertisements and saying “Let’s go see that” but never do. However Cherie has had a rough week so I know she needed some levity in her life to break the stress. Plus the widow has been going through major stresses between losing her job and having her grandson going through a divorce and being suicidal, and that’s just part of it, so we called and asked if she would like to go. “I don’t have any money” she said so I told her it was our treat. We went to see Shrek III. There is so little out there that is acceptable to me, so little that is uplifting and isn’t full of sex, murder, and cussing. So mostly what I care to see is kids movies anymore. We’ve seen the other Shrek movies so this looked like a great choice, and it was. I’ve never seen a 3-D movie in my life so that was a first. It was great. The movie has a good message, a moral theme that really worked and applies to life well. The widow enjoyed it as well but the theme may have hit close to home regarding her grandson as it dealt with dissatisfaction in life and marriage. But it gave her a break. The grandson is back at home and is still going through hell with his soon to be ex and others who don’t say things to help or settle him down.

I’ll be going to the widows today and mowing her lawn. The Kairos prison ministry is back down in Fort Stockton at the prison. I wanted to go but it didn’t work out. I intend to stay involved with that but am fighting my depressions and other things as well. Borrowed a cutting torch to use on taking the barn down in Odessa and got fresh tanks of gas for it. Was able to line up some labor for that job so we’re planning on Wednesday. Hope things work out.

That’s all for now.

Time flies

One of the flowers on the cactus we have out front.

5/27/10 Thursday
Time flies past so quick I wake up surprised at what day it is. Been helping a friend the last couple of days. That means lots hasn’t gotten done around the farm but things seldom seem to get done around here anyway. I can afford to pay for some help now so will call the halfway house to see if Mike or any of the others are available. Actually I think I’ll drive up there this morning and talk to them. The gift we were given won’t last long so we need to be careful and wise regarding it’s use.

Just called Stepping Stone ministries (the halfway house) and talked to Mike. Let him know we now have funds so he can come back to work. Asked if there were any others there who would be able to help tear down the barn and he told me about a guy who was just released from prison yesterday that may be able to help so he will ask him and let me know. I set a tentative date of next Wednesday to take down the barn so he can make sure it’s scheduled with his parole officer. It’s good to be able to help others again, though it won’t last long.

I need to make a list of things to do today. Otherwise not much will happen. There’s a large batch of wood that needs to be cut and stacked, it’s the start of preparing for next winter. I want to install drip irrigation in the plot I plowed last week. I need to replow where the blackeyed peas are to be planted. They should have been planted a month ago. There’s more fence that needs to be put up. Particularly where the watermelons are to be grown. That is also where I want to build the chicken house, another project I want to do. Plus there is the barn I plan on building, I’m thinking of at least setting the telephone poles in place for that. First part of that job will be to draw up a preliminary plan for the building so I have an idea of how wide and long the building will be. I know where I’ll put it, where we had a transformer and electric meter installed when Alan was planning on moving his mobile home here, so I have electricity available for it.

Cherie’s been sick for several days now, fighting something off that sure effected her emotionally. She’s continued to go to work and pushed through but it took a toll. When she gets frustrated I share it so am easily frustrated as well. She’s starting to feel better so that’s good.

Wild sunflowers. Cherie likes them so I didn't till this area in.

Took a pain pill this morning, knowing I’ll need it. There’s so much to do, always so much to do. Mike can’t come work till next Wednesday so it’s just me for now. Our friend is working on an oil well today so I have some time off from helping him. So need to get moving and make the best of the time I have, especially while it’s still cool outside.

I was wanting to note when the truck hit 200,000 miles, just thought it would be cool to watch it roll over. Nope, missed it. Looked at the odometer yesterday and it happened three hundred miles ago. Still running on two gears. If it works out I'll have Nate pick a transmission up in Toledo cause he can get it for a whole lot less than it'd cost me here in Texas. Now I'll work on getting 300,000 miles out of the truck.

Look what God does

5/24/10 Monday
There’s so much going on and part of that is I’m fighting this laptop so it may take a while to write it all. After the laptop crashed a friend offered to fix it. Unfortunately he erased everything so I ended up with a computer with nothing on it but what comes when you buy them new. All the software I’d purchased and put on was gone along with every bit of work I’ve done. That included the spyware program I’d just purchased so the computer isn’t protected. It didn’t take long for someone to invade it cause I already got a spam email sent from myself this morning. So I changed the password but am still unprotected.

We will take Gretchen to the vet this afternoon. Her leg is pretty chewed up and appears to be infected. I suspect this happened as she protected Ben from attack the day they disappeared. Perhaps they will not wander off as much now, at least we hope so. For the moment we have two three legged dogs between Ben and Gretchen.

Saturday we heard the dogs barking, the kind of bark we recognize as saying “someone’s here” so I got up to see. There was a white van in the drive that I didn’t recognize so I called Rascal and Trixie and put them in the house. We have to do this for they are somewhat aggressive with strangers. A woman got out and came up. She said “You’ve taken so many pictures on the blog that I recognized this place”. She is a regular reader who follows our story and has left a few comments. I recognized her name when she told me. She didn’t say a whole lot, just asked “If I gave you something, would you take it no questions asked?”. Cherie and I both said yes and she got her checkbook out and wrote a check. There’s no need to say how much it was, that doesn’t matter, but it was significant. What matters is the heart, the motivation behind any action. She told us that she has been touched by how I keep going despite difficulties. She also had some advice regarding those who think little of us and would rather spend time talking about us, tearing us down, than actually talk to us and get to know who we are. It is evident she has experienced a few difficulties in life too and thus could relate to some of ours. I wanted to give her a tour of the farm and tell of all the dreams and plans we had but she seemed inclined to get moving. After she left Cherie just cried, saying “I can’t believe it”. Thank you friend. I won’t use your name because… Don’t figure you did it for recognition anyway.

So once again our needs are met, miraculously out of the blue. “Use that money wisely” our friend, whom we’d never met before, advised us. That’s not a problem, we are careful about every penny we have. God is good, and takes care of us. We have met so many whom show the love of God and practice what they preach, instead of just talking about it. Our prayer is that they all be blessed and our knowledge is that they will be. Psalm 91 says “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord “My refuge and fortress, my God in whom I trust” for it is he who delivers from the snare of the trapper”. It goes on to speak of how God protects and cares for those whom love Him. Verse eleven says “He will give his angels charge concerning you, to protect you in all your ways”. Cherie and I had just read psalm 94 the day before this lady showed up at our door and I told her about it as we discussed those who spend time talking about us, how it tells of God’s vengeance against those who wish to harm His children. “They pour forth words, they speak arrogantly; All who do wickedness vaunt themselves. They have said “The Lord does not see, nor does the God of Jacob pay heed” Psalm 94.4. I am far from perfect and have made many mistakes, but tried to reach out and asked for forgiveness. So I leave things in the hands of God, who is the perfect judge and knows men’s hearts. As I struggle to believe and work to be pleasing to God things like this wonderful gift happen that reinforce my faith.

I must leave to take Gretchen to the vet so will finish this later.
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Gretchen’s gonna live. She’s got some infection and inflamed ligaments and tendons. The vet said it looks like she “took a slide” on some pavement. Perhaps she got hit by a vehicle. I don’t know but there is no question that she had tangled with some critters, whether dogs, coyotes, or something else I can’t tell. She gave us some medicine and a bill, telling us to let her know if the swelling doesn’t come down.

I’m still fighting to bring this laptop back to speed. Right now the Picasa picture program is trying to absorb the fifteen thousand or so pictures that were on the external hard drive we had backed the laptop up on. Unfortunately every time it runs into one of the many videos we had taken it crashes and loses everything so I must start it over. That’s happened over twenty times so far. I’m sure there’s a way I can program it to not do this but don’t have a clue. Each time it crashes and I restart it shows the particular movie that caused the problem and lets me “Hide” it on the disc.

Yesterday I spent seven hours on the tractor. Man was my butt sore but it’s stuff that has to be done. There’s a hint of rain coming and I desperately need to plant the hay Bermuda seed we bought, along with the regular grass type. Oops! The Picasa program just crashed again so hang on while I start it again.

With the gift our friend gave us I’ll be able to afford to hire some of the guys from the Stepping Stone halfway house to do some of the work that is so hard on me. Part of that is finishing tearing down the barn in Odessa. It will be so nice to be able to keep my word. Plus my hope is to use the material to build a greenhouse along the garage and building a barn where I can work on tractors and equipment is a big part of our vision for the future. Picasa just crashed again so got to fix it.


It’s exciting to be me, sometimes, when it’s not depressing. My life is a wonderful series of things just coming together in spite of the obstacles put in our way. As I struggled with my faith, struggled to believe and reconcile my doubts these events (time for another Picasa fix) show me that there is a God and that He is an active living being who cares and gets involved, who really does things. I’ll be telling my story, or at least part of it, this Wednesday morning at the First Christian Church that is on Louisiana Avenue (or street, not sure) for their prayer group who meet at 7:00 am. You are welcome to come.(Cherie called me after reading this. It's a mens only prayer group) I’ve got about a half hour to speak so that isn’t enough to cover the whole wonder my life is. (Crap, there goes Picasa again) So I’ll probably focus on what I consider the greatest part, how the marriage between Cherie and I was restored after 20 years, but I’ll certainly touch on the rest of it.

This Picasa thing is driving me nuts but it’s the way it is. I’ll keep plugging along till I get things restored. I heard thunder outside so that may mean rain is near. Here I am working on getting this laptop up and also to finish writing for the blog when I’ve got lots of work to do outside as well. It’s always that way, a balance of what is the most important thing to do versus what can I put off and for how long.

In the realm of our life is the lives of others we help. Cherie went with me Saturday to visit with the widow. Her grandson was put in a mental health evaluation facility where he is only allowed short visits. It’s kind of like jail. So she was headed out to see him for the first time and was glad to see us. I talked with her for a short time as other family members were there getting his clothes and things together to take to the facility. This family has seen so much difficulty and much of it is the result of previous problems. The widow had been molested as a child and was later married to an alcoholic so she had overcome much in her life but then saw the pattern repeat with her daughter. I’ve seen this so many times in so many lives that it’s a familiar story to me now. I offered again to speak with the young man and the widow said she’d convey that to him. Part of his problem is the abuse he received from his dad, who was sexually abusing the daughter and despising him at the same time. So the pattern repeats and that cycle must be broken. The young man is physically and mentally abusive to his wife, who is divorcing him now, and controlling and possessive. Pray for him, that his eyes open up and he can see himself. That’s the hardest person to see, you know, yourself. He treats his daughter like gold but his son gets little love or compassion from him. The little boy is only about three years old or so. What I know is that most of us learn our parenting skills and how to love our mate from our parents.

Enough writing. I’ve got work to do. God bless you all. The Picasa program finally was able to accumulate all the pictures so that’s done.

I will succeed.

Hi folks, I'm doing better. These bouts with depression happen all the time, especially when I am slapped in the face by my failure to achieve basic goals. It's hard sometimes. I am struggling to find words to use here, words that don't seem vindictive or whiny but express the truth. So I just won't. My words have been taken the wrong way and honesty doesn't seem to be appreciated so I'll just say that this is a new day and I will get out and struggle to move forward despite the difficulties. There are some who express delight in my failure and they spur me to succeed in my defiance.

Today I must disc under all the plowing I did yesterday. There is a lot of sticker grass that has come up in between the rows. I thought all night on it and decided that it would be easier to disc it all in and start over rather than spend days with a hoe going after the weeds by hand. It's so nice to have a tractor that works. Eventually I'll be able to add to the implements I can use with it but for now the disc and two blade plow I made by putting together two blades I'd gotten separately do a lot of work. They don't match but they do the job.

The laptop is in the hands of a friend, who said he can fix it. I like the Picassa program on it because it lets me reduce the quality of pictures I post online and thus they take up less space and load much faster. Right now all we have is the Mac and I don't know what it's capable of and can't see a way to reduce the pixels.

Here's a picture of our lawn on the south side of the house. It's the only spot that came up out of the ones I had sowed. Must have been a timing thing. It took several days over the course of weeks for me to sow the seeds. My guess is that much of the rest washed and blew away and rain came just right for this spot. I'm afraid to water the areas I've resowed but will do a small spot to see if that helps or hurts.

Gotta keep my head up and work on a positive attitude. It's not easy when you are alone all day. I miss having Alan here every day. He was great help and good company. The other guy helped out well too, but we can't afford that now. I will succeed, despite the difficulties. God is with me because the bible says He is. It says "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

I must refuse

What can I do? When I went out to work depression, or hopelessness, or something hard to define, hit me like a brick wall. Thoughts and suspicions of other's betrayal and deception fill my mind as I struggle to accomplish something, anything. I plunked around with my tools, pulling weeds and raking, but finally gave up. Came in to pray and try to refocus. This is overwhelming. Cherie's been going through stuff also. But with me it's physically palpable, my ears are ringing so perhaps it's a slowdown? There's so much going on, so many hopes and future dreams were dashed to pieces. Plans for the farm were thwarted, and it appears someone's words did that. Then there is my doubting my ability to accomplish much of anything, evidenced by the vast array of unfinished projects. Why keep trying when my efforts are doomed to fail? I must overcome this, I must keep fighting to move forward. Even if I fail at least I tried. The urge to crawl into the safety of the bed, where I can waste time watching TV is strong, but that I will refuse to do. Must keep pushing.

Integrity is inconvenient, but I'll practice it anyway

5/19/10 Wednesday
My laptop just crashed. I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened but it never fails to be frustrating. It had come to mind that I should back it up a few times recently but, as is so often the case, I would forget. I’ve been out shoveling dirt all morning, repairing the damage the dogs have done in their enthusiastic digging. It’s amazing how much dirt they can move. If only I could harness that energy and make use of it around the farm. I wouldn’t need a tractor. I had fired up the Massey Ferguson to takle this job when it decided to strip the gears and die. Could have done this work in just a few minutes. I started on it right away when Cherie left for work, about 8:00, and shoveled dirt till 9:45. I was done for by then. Unfortunately I couldn’t take a pain pill till 11:00 so had to wait. Got the laptop out and quickly figured out that the pain level was too high to work on it sitting in a chair so turned it off so I could transfer it to the bed, where I could work with it laying down. That’s when the operating config system, or whatever it is, disappeared. It’s going to be a long day. Cherie was not feeling real positive this morning either, she had to make a decision not to do something she really wanted to because we don’t have the funds anymore. I feel bad about it as well. It seems like we are under attack with so many things going wrong. I’m still reeling from the old man’s sudden change of attitude and so many other things. Losing the tractor is just a material thing but it sure makes life harder. I just got an email from the lady with the barn I’m obligated to tear down, asking when I was going to finish the job. I’ll borrow a friends torch and head out there by myself if I must, in order to keep my word. Perhaps there’s enough money left to pay Mike for one more day of labor. I had wanted to have two able bodied men there but he wasn’t able to find anyone else at the halfway house who was available to work. I need to do what I need to do, no matter how inconvenient it is. This honor and integrity thing is sure inconvenient but I suppose that’s why so few people can wear that badge. I will be the kind of person I can be proud of and choose to do what I know is right despite the hardship.

Meantime, there are so many things around this farm that are being neglected. I work till I can’t, rest, and then work some more but still can’t keep up. The alternative, sitting on my ass and doing nothing, is not remotely acceptable to me. But I’m sure that those who like to talk and judge assume that’s what I do from seeing so much stuff laying around this farm not finished. That feeling of isolation and lonliness has been coming around again lately. Going to the Kairos so helped me in that area. It was good to feel that I not only belonged but was welcomed and appreciated. It was good to have people around me. The one friend I had in Stanton suddenly thought I was taking advantage of him and pushed me away in no uncertain terms. That still hurts and puzzles me. As I work out near the road I wave at cars as they drive by and on occasion someone will honk their horn so I have that and the dogs to keep me company. I’ll take what I can get. Just read a medical study on traumatic brain injury and depression that told me what I already knew. Those who have TBI are eight times more likely to suffer from chronic depression. It’s a battle I have been fighting for years, most of my life, but it’s harder when you don’t have a good support group around you. We found a great deal of love and support with our church family in Midland but it’s not like they are next door and I’m not one to call out for help much.

Enough whining. The pain pill is helping make things tolerable and there is work to do. I must do my laundry soon so will be going to Midland for that. Cherie had taken that chore from me because I do my laundry like a guy, throw it in and guess at how much detergent to put in, turn the knobs, press the buttons, and hope it turns out ok. But Cherie’s work has been tiring her out so she will let me do my own laundry to help her out. That I am glad to do.

It's official, the Massey died

It’s official, the Massey Ferguson tractor has died. It appears that one of the gears in the rear end has stripped out. Despite it’s many shortcomings (Not going into reverse when warmed up) it was a valuable tool. The front end loader did much more than move dirt. I use it to lift and move heavy objects, like the disk I’m working on, and the telephone poles I get for free and plan on using to build my barn, chicken coop, as well as fencing. Right now I have the disk I bought from Skyler flipped over to work on it and have no idea how I will be able to put it right side up again. The front end loader and hydraulics, along with the PTO still all work on it but the tractor won’t roll forwards or backwards now so it’s stuck right where it stopped. Not a very convenient spot at all. I suppose I could winch it onto the trailer and take it someplace to get worked on but odds are you can’t get parts for a 1959 Massey anyway. Besides that we’re back to being broke so even if I could there’s no money for it. So it’s another set back for Westbrook Farms. No big deal, just makes life a little harder. We are blessed and grateful to have the John Deere tractor and that has been running great, other than half the bolts on one wheel mysteriously disappearing one night. All the rest of the bolts were loose. It made me wonder. Did they all just work loose? Or was there some vindictive tampering going on. I don’t know but am learning to keep an eye out. Bolts do loosen and I suppose that with farm equipment that is worked hard you must check on them.

A nice cool morning

5/18/10 Tuesday
It’s a nice cool morning but the humidity is high, probably in the nineties range. It won’t take long to warm up to the predicted 87 degrees and the rest of the week will be in the mid 90’s. I’ve been out with the roller pressing the Bermuda seed I sowed till it was to dark to see last night into the ground. You can regulate the weight of the roller by how much water you put in it. I put plenty of water in so pushing and pulling that thing already has be soaking wet from sweat despite how cool it is. Part of that may be residuals left from the fever I had.


There is still lots of areas I wish to sow Bermuda on. Here’s a picture to show how I prepared it to spread with the fertilizer broadcast type spreader. The Bermuda seed is small, about the size of a grain of sand so in order to help spread it more evenly I mixed it with sand in the cement mixer. I had this in mind when I bought the mixer though mixing cement is in the plans somewhere in the future. I read something about “inoculating” seed with a cement mixer. I know I read all about what inoculating seed entails but can’t remember any of it. That’s unfortunately the way it is and has been since I woke up from the coma. I research and learn and then must go and learn it all over again because it all vanished from my mind.

So there’s work to do and hot weather on the way. We’ll pray for a gentle rain to help all this seed germinate because there is so much salt and chlorides in the well water we dare not water it. That would essentially kill the seed and waste all the work I’ve done.
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10:40 – I finished rolling where the apple orchard once was. That was a short lived venture as all but one of the trees were killed by gophers and whatever other elements were at work. That lone tree still clings to life so we will do what we can for it. I went to start preparing the next area I wish to have grass on, the ridge along which the wind break trees are planted, but found myself weak and light headed. Walking is a chore at the moment, something I must do with care as I seem to be unsteady on my feet. Nothing new there, just one of the continuous inconveniences that come with a brain injury. I hate taking a break as every minute the temperatures climb but I do what I must. Looking at the ridge I wish to plant I ponder how to go about preparing the area. Underneath the soil now resides drip irrigation tape on the outside and the drip system for the trees on the other so I can’t till it for fear of tearing that up. I did that a few weeks ago and spent hours repairing the damage. So it’s all going to be hand work. How I miss the time I could work hard for ten or fifteen hours in a day and not miss a beat. But that’s the price of being alive and I’m blessed no matter how hard it is.

I don’t know where Ben and Gretchen have been disappearing to lately. They weren’t there in the morning yesterday or today and I haven’t seen them yet. Ben had gotten too close to a skunk a few days ago and you can still smell it on him. We pray that God keep them both safe. Our dogs are so much of a blessing to us and enrich our lives. But with that comes worrying, or at least concern.

Fever broke

Making a yard, in process as I till it all up.

5/17/10 Monday
Evidently my fever broke last night. It’s a shame that Cherie had just put fresh sheets on the bed as they were soaking wet by this morning. I don’t feel any better but at least know I’m on the mend. There’s plenty of work to do, as there always is. I’ve been working hard to prepare areas for Bermuda grass. We’ve lived here for five years now and it would be nice to have a lawn. Little by little we’re building a home, and a farm. I’d sown grass seed before but we had some severe rains and it washed all the seed away. What the rain didn’t wash away I think the wind blew away. I pushed through yesterday despite feeling pretty crappy. Must work hard today to finish the job. First is to finish raking the ground level and then I will sow the Bermuda seed. After that I will pull the steel roller I bought at auction in Ohio over it all to press the seed in the ground. It’s going to be warm and humid, with the possibility of thunderstorms later so the earlier I get out there the better.
Making a yard, after tilling and raking level

It looks like the Massey Ferguson tractor might be dying. When I went to use it to load dirt into the raised beds I am making it made lots of clanking noise and jerked real bad as I drove it. Not good. It was a bad purchase on my part because I didn’t have a clue about tractors and trusted the lady who sold it but I figured that at least I can use the front end loader to move the tons of dirt I need to redistribute. Oh well, just another obstacle.


I’m still sweaty and feel feverish this morning. Hope whatever this is goes away soon. Real tired and just want to go to bed but can’t let myself do that.

Been sick and didn't know it

5/16/10 Sunday
For two days, Friday and Saturday, I’ve struggled to get motivated. Talked about a melancholy heaviness and figured I was fighting off another batch of depression. Yesterday I walked outside six times, intent on doing something, anything, but with one exception I would come back inside. I did manage to hoe and pull weeds on the front yard. After spending all night wide awake or having some unpleasant dreams, and burning up under the covers or freezing when I got out I had to make a quick trip to the bathroom. Come to find out I’m running a fever so I now understand that I’m fighting off some kind of bug and have been for days now. With it my back pain is pronounced. I heard about aches and pains with flues and other ailments so guess that’s to be expected. So it’s time to drink plenty of liquids, take some vitamins, and help my body overcome this. We were planning on visiting a different church that we’ve been invited to today but might not go anywhere. It’s not nice to share your illness and a heck of a way to introduce yourself.
Moving these railroad ties by myself will come with a price. But as always I do the best I can with what I've got.

This adds to the frustration of having so much to do and not doing it. This inability to complete tasks has cost me dear in the past and will continue to do so. Regardless of how I feel I must take advantage of the wet soil. That requires raking areas tilled flat, tilling more areas while the dirt is soft, and spreading Bermuda seed on all the areas I want grass to grow. Plus I need to plant blackeyed peas and other crops. I’ve been meaning to do this for quite some time now but never did. Looks like I need to visit the bathroom again. It’s going to be so much fun today. Ha Ha Ha. (Sardonic laugh)

Wrestling with theology

5/15/10 Saturday
We are starting to work on observing the Sabbath, to make it a day dedicated to God. This is hard for several reasons. Saturday is a day off of work and that means it’s a time we can catch up on stuff around the house. For me there is a never ending list of things that need to be done when it comes to farming. I suspect that the live asparagus and sweet potato plants I got almost two weeks ago are dead by now. Haven’t even looked in the fridge we have in the garage, where I stored them. The whole thing with the old man and railroad ties really set that back as I was not about to plant anything there if I was going to return them. Now the rains have delayed things there as well. The thing about keeping a Sabbath is that it’s to be a day of rest, where you don’t work on things. I’m wrestling with that theology right now for Jesus made it a point to go against the Jewish traditions and said some pointed things. So what’s right and what’s not? I’m thinking that if I keep my heart and mind on things of God during the day that qualifies…but I’m still wrestling with that. Whatever I do will be an improvement over doing nothing. So step by step we will work towards getting closer to God.



I went out and took more pictures of the rain damages. The hail pounded our plants pretty good but for the most part they are still in good shape. I can see several areas that are low and where the rain settles to. One of the concepts I have is to dig and build a cistern to capture rain water and another is to perhaps create a pond type area lined with the stuff I got from the landfill that seals it. So many ideas but so little in resources and ability to follow through on them.



Here’s a picture of our onions. We had covered them all back up when the wind blew all the dirt away and with this rain they are all exposed again. If I could I’d buy a hundred or two railroad ties to make raised beds and prevent this from happening. Meantime I’ll do the best I can. I can see that making tall furrows doesn’t work out well. Did I see that last year as well? Don’t know and can’t remember so I’m doomed to repeat the same mistakes till I can. But making raised, lined beds is certainly a way to go long term. That just requires the time and money I seem to be often short of.

Today I will focus on doing some writing though some things outside are pressing needs. Weeds always need pulling, especially the sticker grass.

And the Rain came

And the rains came and rain it did. I got most of the rain catching buckets filled. Some didn’t do as well as others due to poor placement under the roof or something. This blew in fairly fast but with plenty of warning. There was some hail and that greatly affects the outside dogs. There is little question that both Ben and Gretchen have been exposed to some nasty hail during their life as strays for when you hear the first “Bang” as hail stones hit there is instant panic. Yesterday, I think, there was some hail dropping and when I opened the door to go in the house both Ben and Gretchen rushed in between my legs. That caught us by surprise for both of them know they don’t come in the house but their fear of the hail was palpable and…well, you should have seen the looks they gave us, with those big eyes saying “You’re not going to throw us out are you? Please, please, don’t throw us out in that storm!”. So they stayed till the hail stopped. I had a hard time coaxing them outside and they only did to follow Rascal and Trixie out.

With this storm I went out to comfort them. They wanted in the house again but I didn’t allow it. They huddled together at the office door, the farthest point from anywhere the hail could be, so I gave them lots of pets and hugs. Oh, they loved it and clung to me, whining when I left them to come in.

There wasn’t much hail, mostly rain, but that came down plenty fast. There was a lot of close lightening so I turned the power off to the Mac and our new printer. Would hate to lose either one of them, but especially the Mac. I really had a hard time making use of the inside time, couldn’t quite come to a decision on what to tackle. I sure could use a secretary. Spent over a decade with that kind of assistance and sure got a lot accomplished. I’ve always had a brain injury, in fact I have had multiple injuries dating all the way back to when I was a baby. There are seven separate events I can identify in my life that had high likelihoods of or absolutely did cause traumatic brain injuries. So I built my companies twice (That’s another story. I lost both of them due to being jailed and then started them up from scratch again three years later) despite a damaged mind. A big help was having a secretary, whose job was to remind me what I was supposed to be doing and when, along with being my memory, telling me who it was that walked in the office because I couldn’t recognize them.

One of the reasons I feel pressed to get things done is the sticker grass. I was going to write about it earlier but just found the pictures. The reason for the urgency is that each one of these stickers is a seed and they are all making stickers at once as quick as they can. So the battle is on. This is a war I bought the tractor for so now have resources to battle with. I know I’ll always have sticker grass but this year I want to get ahead of it. So I’m disking EVERYTHING the tractor will reach and have sharpened the hoe for all the places I can’t get to. Plus I must run the tiller extensively to catch the back yard and other areas the tractor isn’t good for. The problem is I’m already late so any stickers that get tilled under are essentially planted and will come up. I must now wait till the ground dries out some but perhaps the hoe work can be done, now that it’s stopped raining.

Here's cilantro in our herb garden that's blown over.

It’s a good thing I didn’t get the Bermuda seed out because this would have washed it all away, just like last time. So being behind was a blessing. It’s still raining and lightening out. There was a short break where I could go out and take pictures. I was all set to head out there and get to work after writing in the blog when the rain started back up. I’ll go online and look at the radar.

Yep, there’s lots more weather coming. I can see the line of storms coming on News West 9’s weather website. That’s technology for you, live weather radar on screen at your house. I need to buy a rain coat. Been wanting to for months but forgot as always.

The Wonder of it all

5/14/10 Friday
Hard to believe it’s Friday, feels like it should only be Tuesday. I ran the tractor till it suddenly stopped at about sundown. I think it ran out of diesel, at least I hope it did. That could be a problem in itself as I’ve heard you really don’t want to do that. Something about air getting in the fuel system. First thing this morning is to go fill up the five gallon container with diesel. I had hoped to find something that I could use to store diesel, a tank on a trailer that I could take into town and fill up, but that hasn’t happened and now the funds are gone. Went and knocked on a farmer’s door that I was told had one for sale and left messages on his phone a month or three ago but never heard from him. This is all part of slowly building the farm, acquiring the things like that, which make life easier. Meantime I suppose I should go online and see about what to do when you run out of fuel on your tractor.

So there’s more rain on the way and I’m pressed to get stuff done. If it starts raining I will probably stay out in it because…I need to. Nothing easy or convenient about farming, especially when your resources are low and it’s just you. Yesterday I went to Midland with the expressed purpose of buying what’s called “Tall Bermuda” but after exchanging an auger bit and buying a new flag to replace the one that’s shredded in the wind I totally forgot. That, unfortunately, is not unusual for me. I need to get the seed in order to sow it when the ground is wet from rain.

Here’s a picture of a new flower. At least it’s new to me but I could well have seen it before and simply not remember. I saw it as I was running the tractor so went and got Cherie and the camera. I love to share things like this with Cherie. It’s a wonder to watch her face brighten up as she sees something beautiful. Perhaps my face brightens up when I see Cherie and wonder at the marvel she is, at the miracle of how our marriage was restored. I can’t see my face but sure can sense my heart at these times. Anyway, I wonder if this flower is related to the giant dandelion like plant I took a picture of the other day for the geometric pattern is similar. Hopefully I will remember to go check on it as these flowers mature but odds are it will vanish from my mind. That’s why I take pictures and keep this journal.

There’s work to do and rain on the way, possibly. You never know about the rain.