Good morning world

4/12/07 Thursday
Good morning world. It’s going to be a good day to get stuff done. There is so much I don’t put down in this journal but if I wrote down everything, each day would be a book. I was out the other day and marveled at the myriad of sounds all the creatures were making out in the grassland we have. Anymore I think of things in terms of a writer, composing my thoughts as if I was putting them on paper. I run sentences over in my head and change them, finding what I think are creative and effective ways of conveying my thoughts and emotions on that particular subject. By the time I get in it is all gone.


I’m doing fairly well this morning and pray that continues for the whole day. Yesterday Cherie told me that the kitchen sink had started draining real slow. This was an area I have known would need to be addressed if nothing else to learn where this pipe going into the ground goes. There are two holes in it that look like a bullet went through. Don’t know, it’s all part of the mysteries of this place.

So I started digging unsure of what I would find. First I had to remove the bricks covering the area. Then I started digging, following the pipe down. It didn’t take long before I hit something. Carefully clearing off the dirt I find this. It’s a sign of some sort but I can’t make out more than just a few letters. It became obvious that this was not a small sign. I don’t know what is under it though I suspect some kind of a leach field whatever that is. Frankly I don’t feel like a major excavation right now though it will have to be done sometime. This is just another of those things that Darryl or his dad, Troy, could tell me about. It is a shame they have not really opened a door for communication. Part of that I suppose is my fault for not pushing harder to “get in the door”. I’m just not comfortable pushing myself on anyone. Staying alone is safer but not wiser.

As I read about Asperger’s I saw something I have seen before, but it faded away like most things do. It is also something talked about regarding tramatic brain injury. It’s a part of social skills. You see we communicate with much more than words. There are many signals we put out unconsciously. You can look at someone and tell when they are angry, sad, happy, and everything else. These are often conscious signals, for instance putting a smile on your face, but even then there are tale tell signals.

I remember being told at Cedar Creek, the church that asked us to go anywhere else but there, that I was arrogant. Rick, one of the “pastors” said he got this from how I would stand while waiting in the foyer for church to start. The fact that I have broken my back and neck and my stance reflects those injuries never dawned on this leader in the church. This was the guy who married Cherie and I. He would later turn a little nasty regarding us. So here is my point. We all have met people that we could tell were just a little off. Nothing we can put our hands on but it’s there, something that makes us uncomfortable. Little things like laughing at the wrong time, telling a joke that doesn’t quite fit or makes you wonder if there is a punch line. Saying things that just don’t fit the conversation. A gaze that seldom meets the eyes. So many subtle nuances that our subconscious minds pick up on, sending a signal to the conscious part to be uncomfortable. Of course we all shy away from what makes us uncomfortable. The problem is that if folks would take the time to really know someone they can learn to see past these disconcerting outer signals. We really don’t want to be alone but we are. I’ve got a better relationship with some in the blogging world than with anyone we have met here in West Texas. A big motivation to go to church was to meet good people with moral standards we are comfortable with. People we could feel comfortable and safe around. Well we’ve met lots of people but it’s been like two ships passing in a fog, waving at each other as they pass by.

OK, I went off on a tangent. Get used to it, it’s one of the things I do best. Back to another thing that happened yesterday. While digging to uncover whatever the kitchen sink drain went to I had a start. A frog hopped out of a little chamber he had been encased in under the bricks. How did it get there? The entire area is paved with bricks that are generally laid tight together with no room for anything except a small bug to squeeze through. I took picture with the hope of identifying this creature but when I pulled up amphibians on the internet I found a baffling array of critters and gave up on figuring out where this guy belonged. I am just fascinated by this frog being buried with no visible way for it to get there or for that matter get out.

It’s back to the garden now. It’s gonna get windy today. That is a big factor in where I put plants. I’ve been meaning to plant the squash seeds for a few days now and have yet to get to it so today will be another try.

11:50 – Just came in to take a pain pill. Didn’t need them yesterday at all. This morning I am building hills to plant the squashes in. It requires me to get on my knees to mix the compost and fertilizer in the soil. That’s what is amplifying the pain. Bending over is not to bad at all but getting up off my knees is an effort. I don’t have much strength in my legs and the knee’s pain comes out with the pressure. I am tired physically and probably mentally as well. Yesterday I felt like I had walked a thousand miles. I keep catching myself closing my eyes, even as I write this. It is like I have an eighty year old body and for that matter mind too. I suppose I should take a nap like doctors told me too but I don’t want to quit working on the garden. There is too much to do and too much that hasn’t gotten done.

It’s one now and I am getting up. The headache is still there. I wonder if wearing a hat contributes to that. Got to have it on tight because of the wind out here. I am a bit cranky at the moment. Headaches don’t help. We had the water tested after that last affair and it came back positive for E Coli again. I’ll go out and pour a gallon of bleach in it. After it sets a while I’ll need to run the water till it clears out.

The VA called to confirm our appointment on the eighteenth. That will be a major expedition for us. It is a seven hour drive each way and will add up to a bit over eight hundred miles. One of the kind souls we have met in the blogosphere offered to let us use their frequent flyer miles to fly down there. What a generous offer, touched both of our hearts. After some reflection I thanked her but declined the offer. We figure it will run about a $120.00 for gas and if we flew, a rental car and hotel would be a little more.

Here’s a question. Is it improper to take a rain check on something like that? This is an area I am weak on, another of the social skills things that I need to learn, knowing what is appropriate and acceptable and what is not. Like I’ve said before, pretty much everything I know I’ve had to learn in the last six years but I’ll be learning for a long time. So here is what’s in my mind (I know the person will read this so it is a roundabout way of bringing it up with the hope of not offending) Cherie’s mom is finally improved enough from her open heart surgery that they are considering moving her to a rehabilitation facility. Cherie would love to be there to help with all the needs they have and assist her sister who is carrying the whole load on her shoulders. We drained every resource when we went up there to Ohio to visit and get the rest of our furniture so getting her up there again just isn’t possible for now. The truck has been just sitting because it’s on E and Cherie’s car gets better mileage. I’ll be forced to put some gas in it to take the garbage to the landfill. Been putting that off but it’s building up. So that is what I am wondering about. Would it be wrong to ask to have Cherie fly home and back? I’d love some feedback. I’ve never been good at asking for favors and seldom if ever do, always took care of things myself. A bit of pride or something. When I was homeless I wouldn’t ask for a quarter even if that was all I lacked to buy the dollar hamburger I felt lucky to get in a day.

Another example of this brain’s instability. Cherie fixed a great noodle dish with broccoli. She poured me some of the peach tea that is my favorite. Nothing tastes right. Just as there are times my senses of smell and hearing are attenuated to the point that it is overpowering so has my sense of taste. I can still taste the food despite the fact it’s been twenty minutes since I ate. The tea I’ve been drinking all day now tastes completely different. It is strange to be me.

I have had a headache all day but was able to keep going. I know that there is a petite seizure going on. Reviewing what I just wrote shows things like not keeping the correct tense in a sentence. I looked at the dresser where I keep this laptop and not seeing it was going to call to Cherie in the next room and ask if she had it. That was as I was typing with it on my lap just now. Like three minutes ago. It is always different.

So I got all the squash planted. Don’t know what will come up but if it all does I won’t know what to do with it all. Even structuring these sentences is a chore damn it. Some of the corn that got hit in the freeze is coming back. Tough stuff. I think I’ll have to give this journal a break. Sense that I am going down hill now. At least I had a fairly productive day. I’d rather have these at the end of a day instead of the start.

I’m going to put the bleach in the well now. This slow down is coming on hard. Just trying to talk with Cherie was hard. Almost at the level where I stutter.