Thursday, April 26, 2007

Politically correct???

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4/26/07 Thursday
It’s the start of another day. I am fairly sharp this morning. Still thinking on what to do with this blog. I still keep the journal as I have long before I heard about blogs at all. Just have to internally debate the concept of being politically correct. Being totally honest and open isn’t working. Perhaps I should start wearing the mask others do, put on a happy face in order to be acceptable. My old creed of “Say what you mean. Do what you say” is causing problems. Yet honesty is an ideal all talk about but few practice in every area of their life. Many parts of their life they probably are more honest with but deceit still slips in when hiding their true feelings is advantageous to them.

This rancor’s me. I can’t do that and maintain the integrity I swore to have when I woke from the coma. So saying nothing keeps the boat from rocking huh? If one lives a life he is proud of he has no problem with the world seeing it. If ones life contains that which he is not proud of, he runs for the darkness when the light is turned on it, trying to avoid exposure. “I have nothing to hide” is a statement I want to always be able to say with honesty. We all have mistakes in our pasts, all of us. That’s fine. I’ve “confessed my sins” so to speak by revealing them to the world with this blog. Oh, don’t get me wrong, there’s a whole lot that hasn’t made it to these pages. There really isn’t enough room in the day to day accounts and much of it will be in the books I imagine I will write. Still, I have faced my shames and will not hide them. Ask me a question and I will give you an honest answer. If I could get others to do the same I’ve done something, for the world will be a better place…maybe.

So, as the plaque with the creed I live by says “Love life, live a life you can love. Become a person you can be proud of”. By doing so you have no problem with the world watching you. Hey, CLOSE the door when you go to the bathroom cause we don’t want to see that but that’s not the point. It is good to have no shame with how you live today. I understand not wanting to reveal the shadows of the past. The Christian theology’s central point is that slate has been wiped clean, past sins are forgiven. Some in that realm have the concept that because sins are forgiven by confessing them, to God, not to other people, they can keep on doing what they know is wrong. There is a line somewhere in this that shouldn’t be crossed, a point of no return, a point when you are spitting into the face of God with your abuse of the freedom forgiveness brings.

So what right do I, a man plagued with doubts, an “unbeliever” by some peoples standards, have to speak of God. I am Balaam’s ass. WHAT!!! Let me tell you a story. There was a man, a prophet of old who spoke the words of God to the people, but a man who had two faces. On one side he represented God but on the other he followed other belief systems and gods that were a violation of the first. Yet the bible says God still spoke through him.

So a king fighting the Israelites wanted Balaam to prophesy against them. He wanted to be told that he was going to win, he wanted to hear what made him feel good. Kinda like we all do, what we all want to be told no matter what the truth is. Balaam wouldn’t because, despite his hypocrisy, he knew God’s thoughts on the matter. But money was offered, not once but three times as this king struggled to get Balaam to bend the line his way. So Balaam, the two faced man, went for the money. God told him not too but, as many of us do, Balaam chose to do what he knew was not right and headed out to get the money. So God, in an attempt to change this stubborn mans heart, had his donkey (his ass folks) speak. I don’t know about you but if I’m riding a donkey and it starts talking I start listening. That would be after I checked to make sure I didn’t eat some kind of strange mushroom. If God can use an ass to speak some sense into another why then can He not use me? I’ve been called an ass many times. I don’t even come close to claiming any kind of connection like that with God, remember, I’m an unbeliever.(By somes' standards) But I see what I see.

Maybe I’ll start the blog I’ve contemplated for three years now. The one I would call “Balaam’s Ass”. There is much I see, there is much I want to say, there are many who need their eyes opened, to look into a mirror and see clearly what looks back at them.
So back to being “politically correct”. I will work on the garden today. There are beds I’ve dug and never planted a thing in. Now weeds grow there. This is where I planned on putting herbs. Yesterday I pretty much stayed in bed being depressed about things I presumed were happening but really didn’t know. Today I’m going to get my butt out there and work. Haven’t eaten much the last two days. In fact the only thing I ate yesterday was what they had at the church dinner. I’ll have to do better and eat whether I feel like it or not.

Just got back from Aldredge Nursery and Greenhouse. Spent fifty bucks which surprised me. When I drove to where the bags of cow manure were there was a pile of bags that had broken open. I asked if I could have one marked Cotton Burr Compost. He said sure, take all you want. I loaded several bags up including one with potting mix and two labeled soil conditioner. Most were in such bad shape there was maybe only twenty percent left and much of that spilled out when I picked it up. I am thinking of going back with a shovel and some garbage bags.

Unfortunately when I got home I got a slow down, which is getting worse as I write. I want to reconstruct how it happened. First I had called Dave Decker about the house he said he’d kicked someone out of that is down the street from us. Wanted to see how much he would rent it for in case Cathy and her kids, or mom and dad, or the whole gang would want to come down here. Don’t know they would but thought knowing a place was available would be information useful. He said $400 a month. I called Cherie and told her. She is doing much better than yesterday when her fretting over me stirring things up had her a mess. I was still doing fine.

Then I got to thinking about the receipt from Aldredge. I had seen a twenty nine dollar price that I thought was entered twice. Now I could swear the lady said the manure was only $2.90 so I’m getting upset. I go to look for the receipt but only find the part that had the total but not the itemized part. Now I start looking for it and looking more and not finding it. Went everywhere, pulled the seats in the truck forward to look under them, walked around the yard in case it blew out, went through the house, looked everywhere. Didn’t find a thing. Now I am slowing down. Stress and trying to think this thru are the triggers.

I was going to call Aldredge to ask how much a bag of cow poop was when a basic bit of deduction dawned on me. $29.00 plus $29.00 equals fifty eight bucks and I only spent fifty. DUH!!! Plus I bought more than cow poop. In my mind I remembered only two small bags that cost four and five dollars. Couldn’t remember what was in them but remembered the price kind of so I went out to the truck. So here is DUH!!! number two. There was a fifty pound bag of fertilizer sitting in the back of the truck. Glad I didn’t call Aldredge and raise hell. Coming to the wrong conclusion is easy when you can’t remember or don’t have the right information. That is why, Stanton readers, it is good to talk with me if what I think is a bit off. (or sometimes WAY off) A little communication goes miles in creating understanding.

Now that I am relaxing and sorting this out on paper I am speeding up some. Writing helps me think. In Toledo, when I was in much worse shape than now, I would go into the library and write on their computers just to figure out what was going on. Fact is I read this being suggested for folks who don’t have my kind of issues.

So I went out to the truck and unloaded the stuff I got. Being already slow trying to decide what to do with what got impossible so that’s when I came in here to write. Making decisions are real tough at those times, even deciding where to put a bag is hard. I left it all out there. Will go finish that up in a bit. Probably should fix something to eat as it’s 1:46. One of the ladies I talked with at the church dinner encouraged me to take some of the left over food home. They always pack it up for everyone but I don’t take it for no good reason. Not wanting to look like a bum is pride. Like I said, no good reason. So I’ve got some rice, beans, cheese, and hot sauce. I’ll put it in a pot and warm it up. It’ll be nice to get the stove, oven, microwave set up we bought installed. Then I could just nuke the stuff to warm it up. At the rate I move and the resources we have that will take a while. Getting a hot water heater installed comes first. I heard talk about help with that but it’s just talk for now. Nothing’s happened and at this point, after five months, I don’t expect anything will. Like I said at the beginning of today’s post, part of my creed, the principles I live by, is “Say what you mean and do what you say”. So much for being politically correct.

OK, I’ve talked enough crap so time to get food and get back to work.

Just posted that and when I checked Mapstats I see that someone has read something like fifteen pages of this blog. It looks like they are still reading. I wonder who it is like I always wonder who takes an interest in our life. Few leave comments so most will remain a mystery. Y’all feel free to introduce yourself if nothing else. Ya got something to say or ask I encourage it. No secrets in Bob’s life. Nothing to hide. Just a little off beat and out of step with the rest of the world.

4:00 – It’s been a strange day with the pendulum of cognizance or whatever you call it swinging back and forth many times. Go from sharp to stupid quickly, even in mid sentence. A few dizzy or equilibrium changes thrown in where I stumble when the right leg doesn’t go where I thought it would. I’ve been fixing something to eat since…let me go look…1:46. Put way too much cheese in the beans and rice I got from the church so I got out a package of hamburger to kind of compensate for it. The hamburger is frozen so that took a few. Tasted it and added cayenne and some Lowry’s season salt. Tastes pretty good now. As always, the slight stoop required to deal with things countertop high is hell on the back. Picking up the bags of manure didn’t really bother me but stirring a pot does. Go figure. I think I will eat now and see if that helps.

I forgot about eating and forgot I had a pot of food on the burner. Didn’t burn bad just have a layer stuck on the bottom of the pan. Little distractions. Hate to do it but I’m gonna have to take a pain pill. Can’t believe it’s already 4:30. Haven’t got much done. I wish that wasn’t how it usually is. Looking out the window I see the wheelbarrow still pulled up to the back of the truck where I left it hours ago. It’s got a load of the compost I swept out of the truck and I wasn’t sure what to do with it so there the damn thing still sits. I never took a nap cause I don’t think I got tired, but I’m tired now.


Eric said...

Hey, Bob...that was as good a rendering of the story of Balaam as I believe I've ever read.

I wouldn't be too hard on folks who can't work up the same level of transparency in their lives as you. I saw this lyric just the other day and it seems relevant here, as Kris Kristofferson put it: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." A lot of people think they have a lot to lose by being too open and forthright. Whether they're right or not is another matter. Anyway, I respect your personal perspective on the issue.

Bob said...

Thanks Eric. I've got a whole bible study I did on Balaam. Quite a character. One of the things I struggle to learn is how to relate to others. This is a problem that is common with brain injuries. Saying what I think, being bluntly honest doesn't go over but at the same time I want to help others be better. Kinda gets confusing sometimes.