unsure

4/29/07 Sunday
Woke up at three this morning and slept fitfully till I got up at seven.

Unsure and worried how things will be at church this morning. Will try to get there early to have time to visit with the others. Will also try not to be confrontational or say the wrong things. It’s hard for me to not say what I think, to just sit there meekly. Not a new problem, I was thrown in jail for a month when I told the director of the Volunteers of America facility the court put me in that he was running a crack house. This place was getting paid by the state to house inmates on a prerelease program. It was the only place they could find when they learned how bad a shape I was in after I was extradited from St Louis where I had been taken by my brother from the hospital. I had violated probation by not reporting as I was supposed to. The fact that I was in a coma didn’t seem to make a difference.

Anyway, this place was rife with drugs. The inmates were cooking crack in the dorms and I watched as some would sell their tennis shoes and anything else to buy this drug they were returning to. It vexed me so I opened my mouth, threatening to expose this through the media. I was handcuffed and taken to jail where I was held for thirty days without any formal charges being made. Under law the court could do this because I was on probation.

On my birthday I began a hunger strike where I would give my food away as soon as meals were served, making sure the guards knew it. In four days I was loaded in a van and taken to a “Christian” facility where they required tenants to go out and sell candy. I was kicked out in three days, thus ending on the streets where I wandered till the ABC television station learned of me. When I was featured as “Toledo’s John Doe” (I have a copy of the video) friends I knew I had but couldn’t remember came forward and got me off the streets. This was how Cherie learned of me and our marriage was restored. In my mind a miracle.

Got to church early. Real unsure or something like that. Kevin was just heading to the class when I pulled up. He was friendly, which I was glad to see. I showed him the letter from Ron Charles that spoke of the persecution Moslems endure when they convert to Christianity. He used it as part of the lesson. I need to remember to get it back from him. Had a headache and with that and the stress of being so unsure of how I would be received made it hard for me to open up at all. I mostly just sat there being good.

Church was the same way. There were many who made a point of talking to me and several asked about Cherie. I explained she stayed an extra week, telling a little of what’s happening up there. Pastor Dave also made a point of saying hi. Every time I was asked how I’m doing I said OK. I’m sure my reticence (another word who’s meaning I am unsure of) was obvious and hope it wasn’t misinterpreted. I just wasn’t up to being real social, kind of withdrawn. A little depressed on top of everything. Much of pastors sermon revolved around Jesus’ commandment to love one another the way He loved them. As he talked I wondered. Did those I’ve reached out to understand this? Did Darrel? Or is this something you do when it’s convenient, love the guys you know and are already friends with. That other guy, the one who makes you uncomfortable, who just isn’t quite right, the one who’s inconvenient, what do you do with him? Smile and be nice and go your way confident you did what Jesus asked? Convenient Christianity. There’s a phrase.

There is a big fundraiser dinner after church with chicken and all kinds of food. I didn’t go because I really have no money to give. It’s a matter of personal integrity. I could have and had a great meal but I already was uncomfortable as it was. One of the fears is that some think I am just leaching, just using the church for my own selfish desires. I would have been more than happy to serve food and clean up but won’t eat what is intended for those who give financially. Besides that I don’t want to give anyone reason to think bad of me, to give anyone ammunition.

I just smelled the food I was heating up. Forgot all about it as I so often do. It burned pretty good this time so I’ve got a mess to clean now.

I was looking forward to meeting James, from the Baptist camp. I was going to bring my calendar but when I looked in it I saw we had not bought the calendar pages to refill it this year. Didn’t have the money to spare. I didn’t see him but that wouldn’t matter. He could have been standing right in front of me and I wouldn’t recognize him. I would really like to help and get involved doing something good. He said he would meet me and probably have days I could come up written on a piece of paper. Who knows what happened.

It’s raining pretty good now. Of course it is cause I was out at 7:30 this morning watering everything. Things are pretty cool temperature wise. Now that I think of it several people asked me how the garden was doing. Must have talked about it allot or something. Kevin did remember about me wanting goat crap so drew a map on how to get to his place. He asked how much I wanted and when I said as much as I could get he kinda smiled saying “I’ve got a whole lot”. I’ll take it and pile it up to compost for next year.

I really wish I didn’t feel so awkward around people or uncomfortable in crowds. Maybe that’s a factor in this whole thing of no one really reaching out. I’m sure my being uncomfortable makes them so as well. But for me I get comfortable when I get familiar with both the individual and situation. This is another common issue with brain injury survivors that you can read about in the links I have to brain injury websites.

So it’s not one of my better days right now. Quick note while it crossed my mind, Peggy said she had some things she would like to tell me something about my childhood. She’s been reading the blog. I would love to talk with her about it. For that matter I would just love to talk to people, more than the quick few words you can have in church before the service starts or on the way out the door.

Better check and see if I took my medicine. The headache is still here so I’ll take a couple of aspirin too. Yeah, I remembered to take the morning meds, that’s good.

I sure miss Cherie, especially at these times of insecurity. God how I want to give her a hug right now.

I called Peggy up to ask her about what she remembered about my childhood. She was just leaving for the church thing tonight. She asked if I was going. I said I didn’t know there was one. Now I knew they were doing something but when they announced it I heard something about church choir and bringing finger food. I don’t belong to any choir and don’t have finger food. Not quite sure what it is anyway. Regardless it’s an unfamiliar situation and a crowd of people so just the kind of thing I’m supposed to stay away from, especially if I don’t have Cherie with me. She said she’d call me later and set up a time to have lunch or something and talk about it. That would be nice. Hell it's nice to just talk.

With the ground wet it was a good time to pull weeds as they come up easily, roots and all. So I grabbed the hoe and found a pair of gloves that weren’t soaked because I left them out and went to work. There are storms all around and I liked watching the lightning as I always do. I could hear the electricity snapping through the power lines each time one would strike close by. Neat. It was raining a little, just a few big drops that didn’t get me real wet. Then hail started falling. That’s different. It wasn’t big hail so I kept pulling weeds but it began to get worse. The news had said there was quarter sized hail somewhere so I decided to pull Cherie’s car as far into the garage as I could. Then I moved the truck up but can only just get the nose in. Of course I got soaked. Haven’t gone out to look yet but I know the rain ran off the front of both vehicles into the garage so there’s a flood. Grabbed a cup of the coffee I turned on to warm up around noon when I got home from church. Choked that down on principle. Now that I think of it I don’t think I ate today and it’s 7:00. Best get something before I forget.

OK, I just read the earlier part of today’s entry and see that I did eat and burned the food. Figures. Should eat anyway cause it’s getting late.
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TV is incredibly crappy tonight. Course it’s seldom really all that good. I fixed the pork chops Cherie had gotten out and put in a marinade before she left. Probably should have eaten them a few days ago. Sitting here with crappy TV is as about as boring as it can get. Wish I could fall asleep thus escaping just laying here thinking. Thinking doesn’t seem to do me much good lately. Damn I miss Cherie.

The weather shows lots of storms out there. One was putting out something like two inches of rain an hour. Screw this. I’m gonna take a pain pill and try to go to sleep.